Posted on March 22nd, 2010 by D. Aristophanes
… it smells like victory. Get those virginal throats ready, Real Americans! We have achieved ramming speed on health care reform! w00t! &cetera:
Posted on March 21st, 2010 by Tintin
ABOVE: Jay “I Am A Teabagger Too” Nordlinger
Shorter Jay Nordlinger, America’s Shittiest Website™
Racism Today
- The fact that health care protestors called a black man “nigger” rather than lynching him is proof that our country is no longer racist.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
Posted on March 21st, 2010 by Gavin M.
Megan “Two Sheds” McArdle, The Atlantic Monthly:
Politico’s ‘Doc Fix’ Memo: Fake, But Accurate?Mar 19 2010, 3:37 PM ET
Update: Please READ THE POST before launching into your attacks. Hint: the headline is name checking a famous quote, not suggesting that this was a valid idea. Had you read the post before beginning your cringe-inducing denunciations of my “hypocrisy”, you would have, um, known that.
Let’s look at the post again. Nope, there’s not much for us to do here but add some formatting. This process is for you in some way, uh, Matt.
But hold on. Megan, I know you’re there; I can smell the x-tini vapors from the ginger- pomegranate- anger- and cackletinis, as well as from the underlying home-alone buzz of narcissistinis from the bottle marked “I’m not the bottle; you are.” Turn on your voice recognition input-output software for a minute. I think it’s under ‘accessibility.’ O hai! Here comes our friend Colin Abomscaire. Let’s get him caught up on things.
Check, test, ahem. Nope, there’s not much for us to do here but…mmm, prepare to play this Tales from Topographic Oceans compact disk, and add some formatting. The formatting is for Matt, see?
For Matt, see, Colin?
CD, See, Colin?
For Matt, see, Colin?
Enter: Yes.
Yes. Are you sure? Yes.
…Is the band whose compact disk is playing, or not, Megan, hello are you there? Welp, guess we’ll see if this slows her down at all, not that any physical or moral boundary ever seems to.
She might be a Mac user, since magazinos, journalists, and people paid as journalists often are, and I don’t know how you do this to a Mac, but it’s probably something like, Apple can erase your hard drive remotely at any time, but you aren’t allowed to access any folders without going to the Apple Store, where an admin will add privileged user credentials to your service plan. There should also be, if I’ve perceived these things correctly over the years, a shockingly easy way to do it by typing ERASE SESAME or something, that old-school Mac people are now generationally familiar with, but that’s now mounded over on the Internet by ten million forum discussions in which recent Mac users debate questions like, “My Mac isn’t working. Should I press squiggly-something?” or “What does the ‘control’ key actually control? If it’s programs, why is there also one on the opposite side?” Oh right, the formatting:
Shorter Megan “Widey McGyre” McArdle:1
Above: Arthur Rackham, illustration from McAlice’s Atlantures
in Montherland (1907)
Megan “Lit & Stretchy” McArdle,2 The Atlantic Monthly:
Politico’s ‘Doc Fix’ Memo: Fake, But Accurate?
- Update: Please READ THE POST before launching into your attacks. Hint: the headline is name checking a famous quote, not suggesting that this was a valid idea. Had you read the post before beginning your cringe-inducing denunciations of my “hypocrisy”, you would have, um, known that.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
One of those read-the-rest-ratings, such as people do, would only step on the beautiful fading resonances of her final chord. It would be a number like no. I mean by this the number, no, which is defined as zero except without all that non-nothing stuff that zero has stuck in it, such as the ability to denote decimal places. You may ask, “How many decimal places does the blop-blop, something with the jim-jam…” and if you’re discussing the number, no, the answer is not even none, not even zero decimal places. The answer is, “How many decimal places does the blopNO.” And if they start talking again, you say, “By mathematics, talk equals NO.”
That’s how you’d have to truthfully answer, and it’s about what an objective read-the-rest rating would have to be. Also, is it me, or does The Reincarnation of Peter Proud sound like an Edwardian stage production with lots of, you know, Being Earnest, if you varda my palare?3
Notes:
1 Cf.
2 Cf.
3 Porn version: The Reërection of Dixie Rection. I go now to eat of the Diareëse’s Peanut Butter Cup. I have for her a song:
Waah do you fill me up (fill me up),
Nutter Butt, baby, just to let me down?
I quote Ezra Pound:
“Either move (or be moved),”
I ain’t whist-lin’ Dixie-
-Rection’s a didgeridoo…
O-oh, a canned demand: (a map, Lacan),
Maná-la-pan, ma candy-rú.
What? You’re lookin’ at me like you got a nanimus against the human spirit.
I wrote a play about people’s nanimosity. It’s about a guy named Lart who’s sitting on a bench. Lart, Poor Lart, it’s called. “Lart, poor Lart.” And Lart sees his friend, LaVie. “Say, LaVie,” he says. And LaVie answers, “Come see Cumsah,” because Cumsah is their friend. And LaVie opens the laundry bag he’s carrying and inside is a giant bag of cheese popcorn, a couple big tubs of ice cream, and about a hundred Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, along with DVDs of Albert Ayler, Sun Ra and his Arkestra, and Pharoah Sanders, and some toy cars and army men and a mini strobe light; and Lart is like, “Bong voyage!” LaVie says, “Bong march, eh?” but Lart jingles his keys. “To da coupe!” they say.
And since the play isn’t a Kia Sephia or a Geo Prizm, you might not want a giant spoiler for the end, so I’ll just tell you the day-new-mon of Act One. At Cumsah’s house, they’re all waiting for GoDonuts, ’cause Flat Amir and Estra gone out for some, except “nothing very definite,” according to Amir. Lart commiserates with his friend Les. “Lart, poor Lart,” says Les. “Les, miserable Les,” says Lart. And all this is going on, and then, just as LaVie is getting into a whole unfortunate thing with this big palooka Shawn, Plus-Sized LaMame shows.
You’re lookin’ at me like you don’t have a raisin debt.
You need to go out and find your raisin debt. This is just cheese news, but I owe a lot of my raisins to gourmet food gatherings like the Savoir Fair and the SoupCon. All the tetta-tets and P.A. dettairs, talkin’ about Chef Doovers, and Mater Dotel, and Sue’s Chef and their chefsty cuisine. It’s true. Helped me to set up my me’s in place. I used to be like, “I’m glad this is fo’ Grah, ’cause I wouldn’t like none myself.” Now I just love it how the S-car go.
Horse derfs. Now, I prefer those at the beginning of a meal. Amuse ghouls — those can upset your stomach, but if you’re a ghoul, I guess you won’t mind the squirrel eyeballs and stuff in ’em. The ol’ can of peas, a moose bush. Oh, look at the time: Dick’s wheat cans. Nerf. I gotta go; it’s nearly findy-sickle, and my show is on. …On Shonté; it’s a show on a girl named Shonté. Sure. Oh, me too. Ta-ta! Or as they say in La France: Late ‘Ta,’ Same Wah.
Posted on March 20th, 2010 by Brad
Hey guys. Not supposed to let this slip until tomorrow, but Obama has promised that I can run my very own death panel once reform passes tomorrow. Yippee!
Let me know who is most deserving of my judgment in the comments! Eeeeee! So excited!
Posted on March 20th, 2010 by Brad
- The health care reform vote doesn’t count unless you have an 80% majority of Congressmen voting for it. See also the cases of No v. Backsies and Smelt It v. Dealt It for precedent.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
Posted on March 20th, 2010 by Brad
I know I keeping banging this drum, but I think it’s important to point out the vast differences between conservatives in other countries and wingnuttery in this country. Here’s the latest example:
Tory leader David Cameron details plan for bank tax
Tory leader David Cameron has announced plans for a new tax on banks – even if other countries decide not to do so.
Mr Cameron has dropped his condition that he would only introduce such a tax if other countries did.
In a speech in London, he said the levy was “necessary” and the banks were one of the “vested interests” he was determined to confront.
Labour favours such a tax but only with international agreement. Lib Dems say banks must pay for taxpayer protection.
It is of course perfectly fair to question Mr. Cameron’s motives:
The Tories, who have not yet provided any details of how their scheme would operate, hope that by adopting a more limited measure if the UK acts alone they will avoid driving banks into exile.
But this really isn’t about whether or not Cameron is being sincere or not. It’s about what the general public accepts as legitimate discourse. Over here in the U.S., any tax on the banks will be immediately dubbed a communist plot. Over there it’s framed as a matter of basic national survival and financial security. Compare and contrast this to some of our esteemed conservative leaders:
Boehner’s comments come as bankers prepare to descend upon Capitol Hill to press for changes to the bank-reform legislation, which they wouldn’t support in its present form. Boehner said he urged bankers not to be shy when meeting with the lawmaker staff members and to send a message that new regulations and taxes translates to into banks having less available for lending.
“Don’t let those little punk staffers take advantage of you and stand up for yourselves,” Boehner said.
See the difference? In a halfway sane political culture, John Boehner would pay a major price for encouraging Skeletor to thwart financial reform. But in America it’s always considered cool to kiss up to our Corporate Masters, even if they’ve wrecked the entire economy. I don’t know quite how to fix this — between the accounting scandals of the early part of last decade and the epic Wall Street meltdown in 2008, I thought we would have learned not to trust these assholes. What the hell will it take?
Posted on March 20th, 2010 by Gavin M.
Jeffrey T. Kuhner, The Washington Times:
Impeach the president?
The ‘Slaughter Solution’ would violate the Constitution
- The “stain resistant” pots who are viciously blaxploiting ordinary Americans in a shoeshine-slathering hot tar rampage are unprecedented in literally being pot-shaped holes punched in the fabric of space through which oozes the pure, sentient blackness of Hell. Yet flabbergastingly, in their demented fury to de-cook your food, these pots seek to anally rape into law the totalitarian Hitler-Marxism of the kettle-blackness libel.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
Notes:
1 Title explicitly cf. while shaded a bit with cf., only accidentally cf., and pieces of kite, the materials you never catch-uh.
:Þε∞ Whutzip? No, I’ve got over that Thomas Kuhn phase. I was having too many observations that didn’t fit into his theory.
My new tag since then is LaOcoön, ’cause it’s right in the series of those LaReference names, and also ’cause it’s a Trojan Horse filled with the serpents of diacriticism. Because do you know who will pronounce it right, even after seeing the diacritical perched right there trying to be friends with them, like in coöperation? You know who, you know who?
Noöne, that’s who. Bahaha! Goodbye, I must sustain myself with the flesh of the Chocodile.
Posted on March 20th, 2010 by Tintin
Shorter Peggy Noonan
Now For The Slaughter
- Obama’s postponement of a trip to Australia because he needs to stay in Washington to secure his domestic health care reform agenda is much more detrimental to the international reputation of the United States than George Bush’s invasion of Iraq over non-existent WMDs.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
Posted on March 20th, 2010 by D. Aristophanes
… riffing on the new news that Debbie Schlussel has discovered that Sean Hannity is a mendacious douche. Previous iterations include Charles Johnson’s awakening to Pam Atlas’ utter lunacy, Patterico’s enlightenment re: Jeff Goldstein, and assorted wingnut cottonings to Glenn Beck’s deep-seated unhingedness.
Interrogative: When do we, the longstanding voices of sanity in these matters, get any friggin’ credit at all for having called these spades, spades for years and years and years? Too lazy to link, but we’ve seen a marked rise in rightbloggers actually linking here (and to other lefty blogs) for evidence/support for their various excommunications of former bedfellows … yet nary a word of acknowledgment for being goddamn right all along, begrudging or not, comes our way.
Not looking for new allies, just some common courtesy.
Posted on March 19th, 2010 by Brad
Yes, I’ve been following it but I can’t really take sides yet. How the hell am I supposed to tell which one of them is full of it? Could they both be wrong?
UPDATE: Just wading into it now. There’s some great shit going on here:
Yes, sadly, there are a growing number of anti-Semites on the right, and Erick Erickson is one of them.
Plus — Ollie North is involved??? Wow-wah-wee-wah-wow. I have no idea who is lying here. This may be one of those rare situations where you have an unnatural convergence of crazy resulting in all sides of the dispute somehow being correct.