Sadly, No!

ABOVE: Neil Stevens (not Photoshopped)

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Remember Neil Stevens? He’s the Red State Trike Forcer who concocted one of the wingnutosphere’s most hilarious Google conspiracies from the Google search-bar drop down menu. Now Neil weighs in on the Arizona “show me your papers” law and, not surprisingly, thinks that claims that it might be racially applied are unfounded. He knows this because he eats “salsa chips” and drinks “Jarritos fruit punch.” No, seriously. Now, I didn’t peg Neil for a carrot sticks kind of snacker, but, seriously, eating shit you buy at the bodega doesn’t really give you any added credibility on the Arizona law. Just as bearing an uncanny resemblance to Uncle Fester doesn’t guarantee you a part in a Broadway musical.

Let’s roll the tape:

The absolutely worst argument I keep hearing against Arizona’s law banning illegal aliens, [sic] is that somehow it was going to be racist in its implementation. A bunch of ignorant folk seem to have this idea about those of us in the southwest [sic] who oppose illegal immigration, that we see brown-skinned folk and think illegal! … [W]e out here know specific traits that mark likely illegals from [sic] living in the far southwest

Like what? They speak Spanish? They have black bean breath? They have kids named Angel and Jesus? The hang soccer balls from their rear view mirrors?

But, Neil isn’t going to share with us those secret traits or fashion choices that permit canny white Southwesterners to tell the difference between a legal and illegal gardener, because Neil, all buzzed up on Jarritos fruit punch, gets distracted and comes up with an even dumber idea:

But it was only tonight as I sipped my Mexican Coke on the way home from picking up at the store some salsa chips and Jarritos fruit punch at the store [sic], it occurred to me exactly what’s going on.

To the people out there [in Maryland, DC and Virginia], apparently they see these tiny minorities and think of police singling them out as illegal aliens, because in the greater beltway area that group stands out as a foreign element.

Not so here in California and Arizona. … You really think that police would or could see a full quarter-to-third of the population and honestly think that just looking like them would cause a reasonable suspicion of illegal immigration status? …

Seriously. If the Arizona cops thought they had to stop one out of four people, the law would stop being enforced in a week. Just think, people, before you accuse.

Just think, dipshit, before you blog. You don’t have to fuck every goat on the farm to be a goat fucker as long as the only thing you fuck are goats. Likewise, you don’t have to demand papers from every Hispanic-looking individual to be racist as long as the only people you demand papers from are Hispanic-looking.

Above: \Will-i-a-m Ja-c-ob-s-on\ n. 1. Buttwipe.
2. cobag 3. dickhead.

Shorter William “MiniInstaHayseedWannabe” Jacobson, L-eg-a-l I-ns-u-r-erec-t-i-le D-ysf-u-nc-ti-on
“Eight Days In April,” by Paul Krugman

• The BP oil platform explosion, which Obama is totally ignoring, is a much worse disaster than Hurricane Katrina because dead birds and fish are much more troubling than 1500 dead Negroes.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

Scott Johnson, Powerline
At some point you have grabbed enough power

…At some point you’ve held enough -line,
Mirengoff makes you yawn,
So do Johnson and John,
It’s the slog of the year for all time.

[Back shortly with Powerline-does-Aristotle]

Tjasko, RedState For Kids!¹
The 3 most damning graphs in modern American politics

Right, as if we’d let that pass unchallenged.

Above: Dah-hah-haaaaamn, that’s a goddamn damning graph in modern goddamn American thingy, with the damning.

Indeed, plus also damn.² So Tjasko, blast it, let’s see your three darned things of dratted reprove.
Read the rest of this entry »

Thomas “La moustache de la sagesse” Friedman, March 24, 2010:

That is why I want my own Tea Party. I want a Tea Party of the radical center.

Thomas “der Schnauzbart der Weisheit” Friedman, April 25, 2010:

So if there is going to be a Green Tea Party, it will have to emerge from a different place — the radical center, a center committed to a radical departure from business as usual.

Sadly, Thomas’ columns all seem to come from the same place. (Le trou du cul).

*

ABOVE: K-Lo wannabe Julie Mason

Shorter Julie “GWB is my BFF” Mason, Byron York’s Washington Examiner:
Obama’s election year pitch leaves out white males

• A little known fact: all white males are over 40, all young white males having mysteriously disappeared from the face of the planet. Perhaps they all died off after a massive asteroid collision, like the dinosaurs, you know. Maybe they were all victims of liberal abortions. But, as a result, Obama’s racist electoral appeal to young people was not an appeal to any white males.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

ABOVE: James Sharples’s 1790s portrait
of Noel Sheppard

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Newsblusterer Noel Sheppard, the prissiest of the entire crew of prissy pants over at Brent Bozell’s daycare center for perpetually outraged wingnuts, soiled his training pants yesterday when he heard that Ted Turner dropped the “Bulls–t Bomb” while appearing on the Fox Business Channel. What will all the six-year olds in the FBC audience think? Will they march straight up to their parents and say “bullshit” and “rat piss” over and over again until they get more apple juice?

You would think someone who’s been involved with television for forty years would know what words you’re not allowed to say on the air. 

For some reason, such logic escaped media mogul Ted Turner Monday during an appearance on the Fox Business Network.

You would also think that someone whose job — to the extent that collecting a wingnut welfare check for blogging can be called a job — involves covering the media would know that the apocryphal seven words that you can’t say on television can be said with impunity on cable television. Judging from the amount of time Sheppard forces himself to scrutinize Bill Maher on HBO for liberal outrages against heartland conservative values, you would think that Sheppard would know that by now.

While the constantly hyperventilating Sheppard was having his hissy fit over bullshit (literally), it occurred to me that a quick search might show that the disgustingly obscene word was probably plastered all over the Newsblusterer site. Happily, yes! When Novakula said it to Carville, there was much joy in Newsblusterville. When wingnut novelty act and whack-a-doodle global warming denialist Penn Jillete used the horrid word to describe global warming on a cable channel, Sheppard himself thought it was the most amazing and uplifting moment in television history since Bill Buckley called Gore Vidal a faggot.

Hilariously, Sheppard’s post disappeared from the Newsblusterer site almost as soon as it was posted. I guess Noel got, er, newsbusted himself. Happily, my RSS newsreader preserved Sheppard’s nonsense for posterity and it is set out in its entirety below the fold for your reading pleasure.

Read the rest of this entry »

Shorter Allahpundit:

Allahpundit, Hot Air:
Gibbs: The DOJ is still reviewing Arizona’s law but let’s call it “fundamentally unfair” anyway

• Obama is disrespecting the police again as Gibbs, who is wrong to offer an opinion, reveals a banal procedural intrigue of some kind — and hey, speaking of Arizona’s ethnic ‘show me your papers’ law,¹ check out this Democrat wacko comparing it to Nazism.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

ABOVE: Debbie Schlussel, White American Patriot.

Shorter Debbie Scheißell
With Women, Obama Turning U.S. Navy Into “Village People’s” Navy¹

• A 1959 Cary Grant comedy is all the proof I need that women on submarines will get pregnant.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

¹ WTF? I mean WTF(ckity)FFF do the Village People have to do with this?? Is Obama thinking of allowing Indians and Negroes on submarines? Does she not know that the Village People are GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY and wouldn’t want women “In The Navy” — their veiled paean to rum, sodomy and the lash?

Shorter Andy McCarthy, Teh Corner:
Reply to Jim Manzi

• While admittedly I know fuck-all about climate science and it seems likely that anthropogenic global warming is actually happening, I deny it exists because otherwise scientists might pass a law against stuff I might want to do, like fill up my swimming pool with crude oil and light it on fire or something, plus the Islamo-Nazis want us to worry about global warming so’s we’ll be distracted from their plot to blow up the universe, and how strange it is that this doesn’t seem to bother you in the slightest, Mr. Greeny-pants Crypto-Jihadist!

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™