Dec
30
Posted at 21:02 by Sadly, No!
Whenever we feel down, whenever we find ourselves running out of ideas, whenever we think we’ve officially bottomed out and consider bringing in a guest blogger, we know where to find our salvation: The Rant.us, the “common sense news issue magazine with an admittedly conservative slant.” Also, a lot of first rate loons.
We’ve written about one such specimen, Ryan Thompson, previously. And if we weren’t on an AOL dial up account, we’d give you a link. We like Ryan, because he reminds us of earlier, simpler times. Men were men back then, and when they decided that straw had been acting up lately, they didn’t hesitate in showing straw who’s boss:
Before we can get into the specific flaws of modern day liberalism, we must understand the fundamental problem.
Tell us, oh wise one!
Liberalism underestimates the potential of the average citizen. According to modern day liberal philosophy, the average citizen cannot make it on their own. To exist, the average citizen requires assistance from the government.
Who here could forget the great liberal line: “I receive unemployment insurance compensation since the board of directors of my old employer was indicted on several counts of fraud and the company went bankrupt, therefore I am.”
Until the left recognizes that Americans are against the nanny state, they will not be able to gain a substantial portion of the vote.
Until that fateful day, the Democrats will have to realize that the best they can do is win 47 to 49% of the vote in presidential elections, a sure sign that most Americans do not want this so-called “nanny state.” All of this advice, of course, coming too late for Kerry/Edwards’ ill-advised campaign slogan, “We Will Nanny You.”
The liberal position allows for compromising of our freedoms while the conservative position defends them. This is why liberals are willing to allow a dictator to stay in power when conservatives are calling for their head.
Ladies and gentlemen: we swear we didn’t make up that last passage. Go check out Ryan’s article if you like, it’s in there.
By forcing gay marriage down the throats of the American people, they have created the opposite.
The opposite of gay marriage being? Speaking of which, is chicken the opposite of tuna, or is it salmon?
If the left wants to suck some air out of the values’ movement, they need to set an agenda that limits the number of abortions.
We’re willing to settle for one abortion for every woman, with an abortion-trading scheme. Under our plan, Ann Coulter is not granted one.
If the left does not figure out how to save social security without raising taxes, they are likely to alienate even greater numbers of young voters.
So be brave Democrats and save social security the President Bush Way: run up a huge deficit.
With the average age of Democrats being 60, they clearly need to expand their youth base or face total isolation in the future.
We wanted to check the source of that particular piece of knowledge, before deciding we were happy staying away from Ryan’s ass.
Instead of supporting defeat and compromise, they must advocate victory and life.
Because in Wingnut Land, saying you’re losing is like advocating defeat. So stop saying that, and also please limit your killing to the poor, minors, goofy bastards, and people with incompetent counsel convicted on the basis of flimsy evidence. Thank you.
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Dec
28
Posted at 21:33 by Sadly, No!
Needless to say, it ain’t us.
Jo Fish of Democratic Veteran sends us an email to let us know that:
the folks who run the Internets Radio show “Subject to Discussion” out of Las Vegas have asked me to appear on Weds the 5th of January at 11PM eastern.
Thought you might be interested in tuning in here: http://lvrocks.com/, click on the “live events” button, and chatting along with us via whatever IRC thing they use. If you think your readers might be interested, please feel free to let them know.
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Dec
28
Posted at 10:22 by Sadly, No!
In an otherwise long and fairly uninteresting story about blogs, Fortune magazine writes:
Tig Tillinghast, who runs the respected advertising industry blog Marketingvox.com, calls Mazda’s blogging clumsiness “the moral equivalent of doing an English-language print ad that was written by a native French speaker.”
Tig Tillinghast? Any relation to Art Cordelay?
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Dec
27
Posted at 21:58 by Sadly, No!
The management regrets its long absence, due to this past year having been filled with grievances. We’d tell you to visit the many fine blogs listed on our blogroll, except that it, too, is missing.
So whatever you end up doing, good luck with that.
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Dec
24
Posted at 6:00 by Sadly, No!
Given that it has been well established that conservatives love South Park, in addition to the fact that they hate all those who don’t love Christmas, we offer this version of South Park’s Bill O’Reilly’s Merry Fucking Christmas.
I heard there is no Christmas,
In the silly northeast
No trees, no snow, no Santa Claus,
They have different religious beliefs
They believe in J.F. Kerry,
And not in our holiday
And so every December,
I go to the northeast and say…
Hey there liberals, Merry Fucking Christmas
Put down that book by Paul Krugman
and hear some holiday wishes
In case you haven’t noticed,
It’s Jesus’ Birthday
So get off you heathen lib’rul ass
And fucking celebrate.
There is no holiday season in Eye-raq I’ve heard
They don’t hang up their stockings,
and that is just absurd
They’ve never read The Corner,
they don’t know what a clashpoint is ’bout
And that’s why in December,
I’ll go to Eye-Raq and shout…
Hey there Mr. Qaeda, Merry Fucking Christmas
Drink Colt 45, eat some grits
and pass it to the Missus
In case you haven’t noticed,
It’s Jesus’ Birthday
So get off your freedom fighting ass,
And fucking celebrate.
Now I heard that in Key West,
Everyone just lives in sin
They play on several teams,
And do too much with tea bags
On December twenty-fifth
all they do is get a perm
and that is why I’ll go to Key West,
and walk around and say…
Hey there Mr Sodomist, Merry Fucking Christmas
God is gonna kick your ass
You abormal lifestyle enthusiast
In case you haven’t noticed,
There’s festive things to do
So lets all rejoice for Jesus
and Merry Fucking Christmas to you.
On Christmas Day, I travel around the world and say
Lib’ruls, Muslims, Homos and ACLU too
Merry Fucking Christmas to you!
Thank you, Mr Hat.
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Dec
23
Posted at 21:41 by Sadly, No!
Thomas Friedman writes:
Count me a “Blair Democrat.”
Would you settle for “annoying asshat” instead?
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Dec
23
Posted at 20:37 by Sadly, No!
The Editors are busy with other things, and so we jump on Kaye Grogan while we have the chance:
Something is going to have to curb the “madness” of voter fraud and sore-losers trying to steal elections. Until this happens, election robbers will continue to capitalize on being adept at rigging elections in their favor.
Because if we noticed anything in the elections held since 2000, it’s that Democrats are very adept at stealing and rigging elections, which has allowed the Republicans to gain control of only the White House, Congress, most State legislatures and governors’ mansions, (and the Supreme Court,) leaving only the Municipal Council of Washington, DC under Democratic control. And then, only because they cheated.
I remember awhile back helping a friend to catch a thief. The friend worked in a golf store. At the end of the day, he was always coming up short of a substantial amount of money. He replaced the stolen money out of his own pocket to avoid his nightly inventory from coming up short. He commented about a friend of his visiting almost every night just before closing time, and the friend would stay in the store while he was moving golf carts, and doing things outside the store. [Like what?!? –S,N!] I told him to mark the top bills inside the cash register just before time for his friend to arrive, and then ask his friend if he had change for a twenty after he completed his usual chores outside. The thief was caught red-handed when the marked money was exchanged for the twenty dollar bill. The moral of the story?
Your friend is retarded?
There are ways to catch thieves, including those who try to steal elections.
Well, we were pretty close.
The same tactic used claiming “unfairness” toward the Democratic voters is getting old and questionable.
Yes, if only those Democrats stopped whining and complaining about everything, things would be so much better.
Democrats May Steal Election as Voter Registration Grows
Doctor Voting for Bush: Democrats Are Killing Us
Ohio Gov. Says Vote Fraud Massive
Liberal Vote Fraud Must Be Stopped!
Where were we?
Dealing with absentee ballots is another headache, and in some cases invites voter fraud. Maybe sending law enforcement officers to retrieve these votes would be better than mailing them.
Let no logic or unsolvable logistical difficulties stand in the way of your dream.
Bonus points: Kaye begins by complaining about too many opportunities for legal recourse in the case of contested elections, yet offers no solutions that address this problem.
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Dec
22
Posted at 21:35 by Sadly, No!
JB “Captain Cell Phone” Williams is back, and he’s really pissed off now:
But most are not aware that every taxpayer in America is subsidizing the practice. That?s right; atop the list of legitimate Medical Expense Deductions in the IRS Code is Abortion, which means every US taxpayer is picking up the tab.
JB’s link, for some reason, and here we don’t mean to suggest that JB was doing research into the procedure because of his personal interests or anything like that, no of course not, is to this:
Washington, DC, — Traditional Values Coalition Chairman Rev. Louis P. Sheldon has just sent a letter of concern to IRS Commissioner Mark Everson over the IRS decision to permit tax deductions for so-called “sex change” operations.
So-called? You try one and get back to us, JB! By the way, why does abortion feature “at the top” of the IRS list? [Double check link to make sure we’re not linking to Ann Coulter porn by “accident.”]
The items are listed in alphabetical order.
Damn liberals, they thought of everything! Next thing you know they’ll be petitioning to have abortion’s name changed to AAAAbortion. Where will it end? Will conservatives counter with AAAAAsshole transplant?
What some argue is a physical birth defect; others argue is simply a mental malfunction. Either way, “we the self-governed,” have a Right to decide if our tax dollars will be used to pay for things such as abortion or sex change operations.
JB, you might want to stay away from the topic of mental malfunction. Even if you don’t, you might want to consider the difference between tax dollars being used for something (say paying for public schools,) and allowing people to deduct certain expenses from their taxable income. If only JB could see the irony in having a conservative calling for people to pay higher taxes. Does he? We bet the answer is… Sadly, No!
We also can?t afford to worry about what names we will be called as a result of our efforts! We are “conservatives”, and in most cases “Christians”. There?s not much worse one can be called these days anyway?other than maybe “rich” too, a lethal combination that makes you everyone?s target!
“Conservatives,” “Christians” of the world… unite.
Meanwhile, we’ll be setting our ridiculing phasers on… stunned.
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Dec
20
Posted at 20:28 by Sadly, No!
It’s really, really hard to know where to start with this one. It’s a fantastic tale of Satan worship, exorcism, Jen Shroder and murder. First, let us go to the expert:
The Church went from one excess to another. Yesterday, it was the obsessive witches? hunt that instead of exorcizing them, burned them; today, she has abandoned everything: devils and exorcists.
What else floats in water, Father?
Question ? Besides the Pope, what is the state of belief in the Devil in the Church?
Answer ? Too low. The Devil is very pleased with that, since this gives him free reign to do his work.
Trying to defeat Ace & Gary, running First Citiwide Change Bank, and being the go to hair and makeup guy for some of the internet’s hottest writers. Now let’s bring in more experts! No experts? Well then, let’s go to Daniel Ryder!
And, for instance, the FBI has come out debunking the phenomenon, saying, unequivocally, there is no tangible evidence organized Satanic ritual abuse exists at all.
But?
However, my research shows it does exist.
Poke you in the eye, FBI! What was your research methodology, Daniel?
For the last four years, I have crises-crossed
It don’t get no better than crises-crossing the country, believe you us. Some of his research led Daniel to uncover this shocking tale. It was reported by UPI:
The alleged leader of a devil worship cult was found guilty of first degree murder Friday in the ritual killing of a young Fall River, Mass. prostitute last year. Carl Drew, 26, stood pale and expressionless as the verdict was announced. He was immediately sentenced to life imprisonment by superior court judge Francis W. Keating…Miss Marsden was allegedly killed, mutilated and beheaded by Drew and two others in a blood-soaked night time ritual in a wooded area because she wanted to leave the cult.
Miss Marsden? This one? Sadly, No! If Miss Marsden ever does find out about us, let the sexual harassment begin. Then again, for Rachel Marsden, being called a prostitute is pretty flattering if you ask us. Yet we should not make jokes about Carl Drew, because he was obviously all business:
Declaring himself to be Satan, Drew would reportedly chant and pray in “a different language,”
Do we need to tell you what that language was? Now it’s time to bring Jen Shroder:
According to 2003 government statistics, in California alone, 10,684 adults have gone missing, never recovered.
Never? Can Jen see into the future? The future, Sadly? Yes, the future.
The End.
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Dec
20
Posted at 19:41 by Sadly, No!
If you loved Kyle Williams, you are going to adore Rudy Takala, the newest* and the hottest home schooled conservative writer on the internet!
On Thanksgiving, for instance, my uncle stated that he had “no idea” whether or not we lived in a constitutional republic; and of course he didn’t know who Senate minority leader Harry Reid was.
So it turns out that Uncle Leo is a real person after all! Hello!
Not many things have changed in recent human history, aside from the style of governance in various nations.
Spoken like a true 15-year old, what can we say?
…they [socialists] make no distinction between democracy and monarchy, claiming that inequality is the only despotism and as such will always result in violent upheaval.
Where do these home schooled kids keep running into socialists who write or say anything like this? It’s as though we only examined the craziest conservative writers on the web to criticize an entire political ideology! Oh, right.
* Newest only means that we’d never heard of him. Also he may well be 16 now. And no longer home schooled. Otherwise, our post is right on the money.
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Dec
19
Posted at 18:20 by Sadly, No!
Well, we got as far as installing MT3.12.
Look for us to restore the old content any hour now.
Update: We fixed things up as best we could and while the template needs a bit of work, all should be fine. The only thing to note now that is a few people are still getting the old site and leaving comments there — keeping them busy in their own, bizarro alternate universe. :)
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Dec
19
Posted at 16:30 by Sadly, No!
Jen Shroder asks:
Did Geraldo completely make up all those cult stories and if so, why is he still a respected journalist?
This is a little bit too much like World Forum:
Good evening. Tonight is indeed a unique occasion in the history of television. We are very privileged, and deeply honoured to have with us in the studio, Karl Marx, founder of modern socialism, and author of the ‘Communist Manifesto’. Vladimir Ilich Ulyanov, better known to the world as Lenin, leader of the Russian Revolution, writer, statesman, and father of modern communism. Che Guevara, the Cuban guerrilla leader. And Mao Tse-tung, leader of the Chinese Communist Party since 1949. […]
Che Guevara - Coventry City last won the FA Cup in what year? No? I’ll throw it open. Coventry City last won the FA Cup in what year? No? Well, I’m not surprised you didn’t get that. It was in fact a trick question. Coventry City have never won the FA Cup.
PS: Don’t miss this exciting treatment of Jen’s recent column, In Lone Defense of Scott Peterson:
Jen’s got all the instincts of a great lawyer. See, she takes the time to explain that “unknown circumstances” are just fancy legal jargon for “circumstances that are unknown.” Johnnie Cochran, watch your ass!!!
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Dec
19
Posted at 15:00 by Sadly, No!
Andrew Sullivan writes:
ALL-TIME MALKIN AWARD NOSTALGIC ENTRY: How could we forget the classic Pat Robertson fund-raising pitch:
Given that the only clear reason for the existence of the Malkin award is her calling bullshit on Andy’s fundraising drive pathetic cries for money, mixing up Malkin award and fund-raising pitch really takes things up to a whole new level.
Meanwhile, Andy and his anonymous reader receive another F in German from us:
MISC: It turns out that the correct spelling is “verklemmt” …
if you spell it the German way, which I think most people would. The Yenta character on Saturday Night Live used the word as if it were Yiddish, but it’s not–it’s high German for “overwrought”–it just sounds Yiddish and funny to the English ear.
Leo says:
Unmittelbare Treffer
uptight = verklemmt
Funny how right Leo can be sometimes.
We’d also add that we’ve only ever heard of high German in reference to the spoken language — not to indicate that some words have different meanings in, say, Hannover and Stuttgart. (On this point though, we’ll happily defer to any native speaker that might be around.)
Bonus points:
Verklemmt is an actual German word that is still in use, and means shy, self-conscious, repressed. Verklempt sounds Yiddish to me, and probably has a similar meaning.
PS: How is it that a self-proclaimed inventor of the blogosphere still can’t manage to have a separate link for every post, choosing instead to post several items as one? JFC get a clue.
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Dec
19
Posted at 14:42 by Sadly, No!
Over at Talking Points Memo, Josh Marshall links to the (excellent) No More Mister Nice Blog with this comment:
[ed.note: Thanks to this blogger for pointing me toward the story.]
Hmm…
ARTHUR:
Old woman!
DENNIS:
Man!
ARTHUR:
Man. Sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?
DENNIS:
I’m thirty-seven.
ARTHUR:
I– what?
DENNIS:
I’m thirty-seven. I’m not old.
ARTHUR:
Well, I can’t just call you ‘Man’.
DENNIS:
Well, you could say ‘Dennis’.
ARTHUR:
Well, I didn’t know you were called ‘Dennis’.
DENNIS:
Well, you didn’t bother to find out, did you?
ARTHUR:
I did say ’sorry’ about the ‘old woman’, but from the behind you looked–
DENNIS:
What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior!
ARTHUR:
Well, I am King!
Permalink
Dec
19
Posted at 14:12 by Sadly, No!
is you:
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