Post-Election Hangover

Everybody in the club getting tipsy

I’ll admit I reeked of booze on election night. To be fair, it was because my girlfriend placed a poorly sealed glass of scotch in a really precarious place and it spilled all over me, but fuck it, I’m counting it.

Ugh… I had a sinking suspicion this would be the result and by sinking suspicion, I mean Nate Silver foretold it in the exacting way he has done every other election, and so knew this was a given and so began drinking early just to be ready.

And it makes sense for it to go this way this time. Yes, Republicans are still more crazed than a wolverine on meth and are still dedicated to getting petty revenge on the filthy “others” who dare pretend they are people by burning everything to the ground. But they also managed something this election cycle they haven’t in previous years. Which is not letting their reptilian masks slip too much before they were put in seats of real damage. There was not an exorbitant amount of candidates ranting about witches or the Trilateral Commission. Heck, they’ve even managed to keep their talking points relatively bland and most importantly of all, seem to have mostly cut out the right-wing noise machine entirely, letting them focus almost exclusively on demonizing individual Democrats than doing much defending of their worst offenders.

Mix that in with a bunch of battleground states that were mostly carried through on Obama’s tidal wave back in 2008 and the fact that most of the supposed liberal candidates were too afraid of being called commies or “liberals” to actually defend super popular ideas like the increase in minimum wage and our slightly expanded health care and of course the wonderful help provided by our Supreme Court in rubber-stamping the modern “literacy tests” and well, it’d make sense that the Reptilians would be able to claw and scrape themselves into a position where they can at least more effectively derail not only legislation, but even congressional debate that isn’t about one of their endless hobby horses.

It’s understandable, but still shitty, seeing as how nothing has really changed and conservative ideas have only become more insane, disconnected from reality, and pettily abusive to see the usual groups of morons forget that the election cycle it isn’t shoved in their face repeatedly. And I can draw comfort in the continued social victories, that minimum wage increases are succeeding even in glibertarian hellholes and that there is continued peel-back at least in my state of the entrenched and vile prison-industrial complex and drug war. Not to mention the utter failure of the professional homophobes to even really get much in the way of anti-gay legislation to the ballot, much less win.

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Reefer Homicidal Madness

I think I got this! No is the answer, right? Yeah, I’m definitely going to go with “no”

Cliff Kincaid, Stream of Consciousness America:
Can Marijuana Fuel Jihad

I think unhinged wingnuttery can sometimes be viewed almost like musical pieces…. not good music mind you. After all that requires craftsmanship and effort, two things most wingnuts are tragically fatally allergic to (or at least I’d assume that’s the case given their bowel-movement like regular posts). But certainly the type of music produced by a bunch of kids entering into their first Battle of the Bands without practicing because their “natural talent” is going to make them “megastars”.

And given that lens, we can see the evolution of genres like the worst radio station on the planet.

I mean, you’ve got the throat-scratching primal screams of hate, the ham-fisted metal-like noise of people who think simple loudness equates to technical proficiency and sweeping baroque like illustrations. And you’ve got the insufferable version of an emo self-pitying cry apeing the alienation of the genre to instead wax poetically on the immeasurable and seemingly invisible slings and arrows suffered by the overfed and powerful at the hands of such nebulous concepts as “gubmint” and “social justice warrriorrrs (come out to play-ay)”. And let us not forget the insufferably pompous attempts at deep intellectual and complex work farted out by the equivalent of a talentless boy band, hoping that overwrought swoops and nonsensical metaphors will somehow equate to having anything of worth to sing about. And all manner of paycheck songs, album filler to round out the set and keep the crowd awake as one wonders on the wisdom of quitting one’s day job.

And of course, today’s output: the genre mashup. Now, I generally love genre mashup pieces, as one might expect from an old-school techno fan. When well-done, they can give new life to multiple styles of music and produce a much-needed fresh sound.

But sometimes, you get messes like these. Discordant noise made out of ill-stitched standbys of the genre in order to create a horrifying Frankensteinian monstrosity from still rotting tissue.

And unlike The Monster, there is no saving this tragic beast.

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

  • In the course of human affairs, it appears that right-wing myths about mary-jew-juan-a can explain why the sand-monkeys and niggers are violent and dangerous forces needing only the most exacting elimination. To demonstrate this, I will casually assume, yes, a handful of right-wing muslims in the news used this shit, but such pedestrian concerns tire me greatly, so instead allow me to devote the majority of my time to the smearing of those darkies slaughtered by our brave and certainly not high at all cops, lest any forget that the whole mary-jane panic is about (and has always been about) demonizing the faggots, the niggers, and the assorted commie scum.

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Piss-ing off the Haters

Oh hey, when Matt Barber was last relevant.

So it turns out exiting a giant tangle of part-time work actually takes a bit of time and a lot of work training my replacements. Not to mention the effort of finding a rhythm with my new job. Even worse, I’ve been happy. All of this has added up to the fact that I’ve fallen off my game and hard.

So I need something to get me back in the harvesting mood. Something ignorant as fuck, obviously. Something willingly deluded to any reality you or me might call home, duh. And of course, something hateful and blindingly reasserting of a narrow subset of white sexist douchebag supremacy, because yeah. But that’s something I can get at any nickel and dime conservative post on the internet.

If I truly want to get the old flame burning again, I need to find something special. Something…

Matt “I can’t stop looking at gay porn for… research, yeah research honest…” Barber, Scream ‘Murica:
’LGBT’: The ’T’ is for Tyranny

Boom! There it is.

So apparently even the dedicated dead-enders of the professional homophobe movement have begun seeing the writing on the walls and are getting mighty nervous about how many victories gay rights have had recently and how much fewer and fewer people there are every year who can be relied on to send him their life savings in exchange for ranting pronouncements of just how dirty and sinful those half-naked gay men are.

And as such, just like the leaves turn in fall, so must bigots turn to the latest flavor to further delay the day when they would have to get a real job. And luckily for them (and unluckily for those of us given the short straw in the genetic lottery) there is a convenient oppressed group close enough related to mostly rely on a quick find and replace on the standard newsletter. That of course being people with pronounced dimples…

Wait, I read that wrong. I meant to say trans* people, because of course it is. I mean, wingnuts have already been shifting that way since the writing first popped up on the walls and trans* people are entering into that stage of the rights struggle where they are visible enough to be a fundraising topic, while hated enough and politically unrepresented enough to be a reliable and safe group to publicly despise.


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Did You Know that Friendship was a Fungible Commodity?

I wonder, can you purchase friends at the Applebee’s Salad Bar?

Bobo* Brooks, Washington Faust:
There Are Social and Political Benefits to Having Friends

You know what I hate?


Yeah, you heard me, dirty filthy moochers stealing up my hard-earned tax dollars what with their unamerican whines of “but I need to eat” or “I don’t want to die here on the streets”. Oh boy fucking hoo, what about my stock portfolio, that’s what I say.

You know, I used to mock overprivileged assholes on this blog who seemed to think that everyone would become just as sociopathic, bigoted, egocentric, and short-sighted as them if only they were able to tug hard on their bootstraps and magic their way into that full-time middle-class employment that is totally on every street corner just waiting for someone white go-getting enough to seize it.

But now that I’ve caught that elusive golden snitch and just now seized a full-time teaching job with nothing but hard work, moxie, and good-ol’ inherent worthiness, I realize the folly of my former socialist ways. Sure, this random conflux of events is somewhat… clouded by the desperation that preceded it and the grim knowledge that a bit of crucially timed luck is the only thing that separates me now from the homeless woman hiding under a blanket in a street alcove or the tragedy of Kate von Roeder. I mean, it’s not like I can erase the way I had to casually discard an important dream and retreat to a dangerous self-loathing head-space to try and put together some form of panicked short-term survival. Nor can I avoid catching a glimpse of the still-healing scar all up and down my left arm from a recent wake-up-warning suicide attempt only foiled by gross incompetence and skin apparently as hard as Emma Frost’s.

Or the fact that this random bit of luck on my part does not change the terrifying reality that faces many more my age who are barred from full participation in the economy or the fact that I’m only one bad boss or broken closet door away from being right back in a capitalism-fueled mess that very nearly took away the last of my sanity and self-preservation. Having to forego food and basic necessities out of stubborn pride and refusal to deny my being for a chance at life.
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Portrait of a Court Jester

Okay, maybe he could also manage being a sandwich artisan.

Meritocracy Spokesman, Jonah Goldberg, National Catnap:
What ‘War on Women’?

Jonah Goldberg legitimately fascinates me.

And I think a large part of it has to do with the unique role he serves in the right-wing writing-whorepit. He’s deliberately lazy and incurious, so much so that he can’t quite commit to the hand-wringing faux-intellectualism of a Christina Hoff Summers or a Ross “I fear women” Douthat, though he certainly does try (for about 3.5 seconds from time to time). Nonetheless, he doesn’t quite have the full lobotomy that leads one to earnestly believe that Obama is a muslim lizardman from Alpha Centauri here to steal our white women though again, he’s willing to pander to that misshapen mass as demonstrated by his successful mass-production of the “nuh uh, you” school of argument.

Additionally, he’s a protected mama’s boy and fancies himself a gen-yoo-ine scholar who thinks really deep thoughts and occasionally like whole dozens of words on his own and like opens a book or two and really wants to be accepted as the super-smart academifyness that he thinks that makes him.

And this all adds up to some legitimately fascinating and unique moments. I mean, at the end of the day, it all adds up to Liberal Fascism and begging people to do his job for him, but between those hallmarks of Jonah, there’s little moments of treasonous thoughts. Little bits where he unwittingly sails dangerously close to actual knowledge or actual acknowledgment of reality and almost falls off the reservation before trusting that his classic laziness will make the bad hurting feeling that causes in his head to go away.

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

  • Man, if reality and the feminazis are right, then this rape culture is fucking insane and brutal and I’d be an asshole for supporting it and shitting on the only people trying to fix it… thus, it must all be make-believe because I as the All-Holy Penis-Bearer know the lives of women far better than any she-creature.

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That Grinding Noise You Hear is Propaganda Crashing on the Wall of Reality

Cognitive dissonance, much like metalwork, is an impressive thing to see in action.

Ian Tuttle the Coffee Boy, National Retread:
No More Rotherhams!

One could easily make the argument that right-wingers easily get wrapped up and lost in their own propaganda campaigns and grand story telling. And by make the argument, I mean pointing at pretty much any right-wing obsession and going duh, because it’s pretty much the required standard. By this point, if the call has come down from on high to obsess and repeat, it’s pretty much guaranteed to be 100% bullshit designed to try and kickstart a non-event into something the bobble-head news anchors can latch onto in order to continue to ignore the ever-continuing Depression or the explosion of the police state and various crimes against women and minorities.

But while those Benghazis and Obamacare Death Panels are “fun” to deal with time and time again, I think the most interesting aspect of the propaganda campaign are the moments when the right-wing noise machine accidentally stumbles on something that is partially noteworthy and then proceeds to drown out its potential lessons in the mad dash to absorb these events into grand conservative narratives.

One more tragic example of this is the explosion around ISIL, where the raw noise of outrage about a terrorist group in the country we utterly destroyed with our dumbassery trying to drag us back into their conflicts because we were the single best recruitment vehicle they could have ever hoped for going around killing journalists (because apparently it’s only bad when dirty bad foreigners kill journalists in Iraq*) is actually dragging us back into that misguided clusterfuck of a war**.

But a more fascinating example (at least in my opinion) is the attempt to hijack yet another tragic story about the failures to address child molestation and violence in the UK in order to feed the “Islamic Menace is going to conquer Europe and faggy liberals will let it happen” skreepocalypse while also pretending that child molestation and violence is somehow uniquely an issue with the “mongrel races” as these neo-nazis would put it.

And that disconnect between reality and what conservatives so desperately want it to be sometimes leads to utterly amazing things:


  • Interviewer: So tell us about how the evil muslims molested girls like you and how the nasty evil government covered it up with their liberalness.
    Interviewee: Um, here’s the reality of child molestation and how global and common an issue it is and-
    Interviewer: Yeah, yeah, but what about-
    Interviewee: [Reality]
    Interviewer: B-but [Propanda]

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Full of Nothing, Signifying Sound and Fury

The sad thing is I could probably do a variant cover for every Fox News bobblehead and still not have enough for all the cookie-cutter blonde cylons that are chunked out of the lab.

Katherine Timpf, National We Will Literally Hire Anyone Who Has Made a Failed Wingnut Product in the Last 20 years:
Feminists Blame Patriarchy for Not being Able to Skateboard

Wingnut language is weird.

I mean, I’ve already commented ad nauseating on the weird way right-wing rants have begun to form almost an entirely separate language made up of only dog whistles and desperate pleading requests for continuing tribal protections. And such habits have only gotten worse in the era of Teabagger purges and the predictable cost of training an entire political movement in nothing but paranoia and conspiracy theories.

But I don’t think I’ve fully driven into the ground the equally laughable quirk of wingnut language of reacting to every usage of common words that the right-wing has decided are scary with the sort of mind-numbing terror one’d expect from a skimpily-clothed teenager who’s just had her boyfriend murdered in the car next to her.

We’ve seen it flare up here and there over the years. Rapture-fetishists freaking out over the notion of peace and loving one another because they’ve decided that’s the secret code for the antichrist. Wingnuts freaking out over the notion of empathy because they didn’t like a brown woman nominated by a black man talking about it. Every single bitter old rant about some aspect of youth culture that stick-in-the-mud squares want to pretend are single-handedly destroying the great nation that totally existed in the television shows of their youths.
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Uppity Whippersnappers On My Electoral Lawn

The first thing that pops in my head when I hear one of these rants… which is ironic, because today’s 18-year-olds don’t really remember that episode and more remember the memes based on it.

Josh Gelernter, National GET OFFA MAH LAWN!!!:
Raise the Voting Age

At this point, do I even need to point out that conservatives despise actual democracy in the same way they despise an actual free market? I mean, whether it be all the attempts to quite literally reinstate the old voter disenfranchisement tactics against black and poor voters. Or the way that schools often have the least voting machine support for a populace their size. Or the attempts to argue that allowing homeless people to vote is somehow voter theft. Or the ways in which they’ve made it ever easier to outright buy elections. Or the gerrymandering, outright election theft, calls for the elimination of votes to women and minorities for “voting wrong”, and the outright masturbatory glaze they get for the days of feudalism.

And that’s before musing back in history and realizing that at every point, authoritarian right-wingers have been at the front of the push for rollbacks of rights and shrinking of the populace with power, while progressives have always been pushing against them for the greatest amount of equality and equal voice.

And it makes sense why. For a movement that is entirely about the fictional universality of a small clump of suburban white douchebags, the notion of even electoral equality with the filthy queer and brown masses must be like nails on a chalkboard. HWAT, my glorious vote is only as worth as much as some filthy tranny whore rotting in the street? THIS SHALL NOT DO!

Add in the fact that they are losing to all of that and may have to evolve and change to stay relevant and you have the recipe for an epic hissy fit of pissed off tomcats in an ever-shrinking box of their irrelevancy.
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God Would Support Your Lynch Mob

Wingnut Jesus upon his Celestial Throne.

Patricia L. …okay, now you bastards aren’t even trying. I mean, honestly, Dickson, that just leaves nothing for us poor snark merchants to work with and for another th-, American- I mean, really, really, it’s just, ugh, roll the link, I can’t even:
The Christian Message vs Social Justice

If there’s been one interesting versus mind-numbingly infuriating thing about this whole entitled gamer harassment campaign, it’s got to be how all the rants about Social Justice Warrriors (come out to pla-ayay!!!) have driven home an often unremarked facet of horrible people.

And that’s how often it is that all these varied batches of scum turn out to be the same batches of scum or at least are all wrapped in the same conspiracy theories and devoted to the same stupid lingo and terrible ideas.

And it shouldn’t really be that surprising in retrospect. If you’re the type of scared anxious douchebag who thinks that a single indie game about things of interest to women will single-handedly kill all games ever and cut off 90% of all men’s balls, then you’re probably also prey to the equally nutso conspiracy theories about how hordes of black men are waiting to rape your white woman and are only held at bay by the rocket launcher you leave poorly secured in the room next to the baby.

But nonetheless, it is still nice when the fuckers really spell out the connections. I mean, every time that it turns out that the dedicated homophobe group bought their mailing list from the Klan or some anti-choice group starts trying to air out eugenic arguments about “inner cities” or some prominent right-wing hack lets slip some MRA lingo, it makes one realize that often these seemingly infinite varieties of violent hateful thugs are really the same band of bitter fucks ranting about how they are not the kings of the cosmos that popular media of their childhood promised them they’d be.
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Fuck “Gamers”

This post is 15,000 words long, which I’m pretty sure is a record for the site. For those of you who are fans of my longer work, consider this a partial apology for being whisked away for so long. For those of you that prefer the shorter stuff… apparently I hate you and wish you pain. I’m sorry, but the voices make me make you suffer so.

Milo Yiannopoulos, The Andrew Breitbart is Still Dead Necropolis:
Feminist Bullies are Tearing the Video Game Industry Apart*


You, see, with luck, you’re sitting there completely ignorant of the amount of stupid I’m going to have to explain today with this… everything and thus you are safe and secure, shrouded in blissful ignorance of just how entitled, disconnected from reality, and just utterly dumb today’s subject is and the “movement” he comes from.

Cause make no mistake, what we’re having to cover today, the depths of research I had to pull just to understand the full scope of batshit conspiracy theory level bullshit that underlies the event this fuck is talking about and more importantly, the fact that I’ve already learned of most of it, just because of the interests I have and the circles I run in… It’s just so… DUUUUUUUMMMMMBBBBB. Mind-numbingly so.

Cause see, today’s bullshit is regarding harassment of women in gaming.

And we’re diving straight into the horse’s anus to see what poisoned oats have been sampled to allow a bunch of whining pathetic man-children seem like the victims of the horrific unbelievable oppression that is DUN DUN DUNNNNNN women fucking existing in the treehouse they thought they had properly sterilized as their he-man woman-hater’s club and it’s time to pitch an epic level hissy fit. That’s right:

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

  • AAAIIIEEEE our targets for online harassment actually recognizing it for what it is and not being super happy about being driven out of their homes and having their friends and family stalked, harassed, driven out of their jobs, and put in fear for their lives because a bunch of sad losers think that endless terrorism will somehow make all the women disappear forever and allow pathetic men to pretend sitting on a couch and playing Call of Duty makes one a super manly man whose manparts are extra manly and irresistible to fake anime girls IS THE REAL OPPRESSION FROM VILE HARASSING VILLAINS WHO WANT TO DRIVE PEOPLE OUT OF GAMING! It is! You can’t take away our toys by… enjoying and creating more of them, while being women and/or queer! You can’t! Also, this suicidal attempt at driving out the majority of people who’d be interested in gaming won’t at all backfire by creating a situation where companies are less and less likely to churn out giant artistic megaprojects for the douchebro gamers given that their audience is a dwindling audience of manchildren who think not getting exactly their way is something that should be reacted to with death threats and endless harassment.

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