Feb
27
27
Two Minute Renew America
Feb
25
25
Are You Still A Whore If You Enjoy The Fuck That You’re Getting Paid For?
Shorter Nick Gillespie, Hit & Run:
Why the Evil Koch Bros. Must be Stopped: They Support Drug Legalization, Gay Marriage, Reduced Defense Spending.
- We support all the things that the Koch Brothers do because they give us money, which is, in and of itself, one of the many good things the Koch brothers do.
Alternate Shorter Nick Gillespie, Hit & Run:
Why the Evil Koch Bros. Must be Stopped: They Support Drug Legalization, Gay Marriage, Reduced Defense Spending.
- Libertarians: union busters who like to smoke dope.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
[h/t gocart mozart]
Feb
24
24
Do Gay Elephants Dream of Ivory Keyboards?
ABOVE: Bruce Carroll, America’s Most Ridiculous
Homosexual™
Homosexual™
When the Obama Administration announced yesterday that it would stop defending the Defense of Marriage Act in lawsuits challenging DOMA’s constitutionality, I thought: “At last, something Obama has done that even America’s Dumbest Homosexual™ and his blogging cohort at GayPatriot Bruce Carroll (aka America’s Most Ridiculous Homosexual™) won’t complain about.”
Then I came to my senses.
Obama could guarantee free blow jobs from cute boys for life for the both of these sex-starved losers and they would still complain that it was a government takeover of the best prostitution system in the world. So I figured we’d get the standard grousing from one or the other of them about state’s rights and the constitutional right of straight people to tell gay people where to put their naughty bits and for how long and under what circumstances — just the usual spectacle of a few cattle longing for the abattoir.
But even I was aghast at what Bruce Carroll had to say about the DOMA reversal:
I don’t want to debate the “right” or “wrong” of the Obama Administration’s latest gymnastics over gay rights issues.
Sadly, no! Because the very next sentence that’s just what Brucie is going to do
But I would like to offer this provocative question:
Would that be how can Obama waste his time on gay rights when we have unions to bust? No, it’s worse.
Should a President who both knowingly signs a law that is unconstitutional (Obamacare) AND who refuses to defend a law (DOMA) passed by Congress and signed by a President that he deems to be unconstitutional be charged with impeachment?
And I bet you know Brucie’s answer to this before I tell you:
And they told me that if I voted for McCain, there would be an Imperial Presidency. They were right!
Is it completely wrong of me to fantasize about the White House saying that it was virulently opposed to gay Republicans gouging out their eyes with rusty spoons and then shaving their own testicles with box cutters?
Feb
23
23
Jay Gets Letters
ABOVE: Jay Nerdlinger
Shorter Jay Nordlinger, America’s Shittiest Website™:
Have You Ever Encountered This Attitude?
- As further proof that public school teaching is a cushy sinecure for a bunch of lazy, over-privileged, excessively compensated louts, I’ve received letters from people telling me that there are public school teachers who take vacations in Europe.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
Feb
21
21
Yeesh
Shorter G. Murphy Donovan, American “Thinker”:
Risky Business: Lara Logan and CBS
- Lara Logan was attacked by the mob in Egypt because she was a slut, so she should have known better than to go to Tahrir Square in the first place. Of course, I’m okay with her being a slut because I think she’s a hottie, but still it was all pretty much her own fault. Maybe CBS’s too, because they also knew she was a slut and still sent her there. One more thing: Anderson Cooper was attacked in Tahrir Square because he’s as purty as a girl.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
Feb
20
20
If By Privileged You Mean Free To Eat All The Ramen Noodles They Want
Shorter John Hinderaker, Powerwhite (Minus One) Blog:
Obama: Defending the Privileged, As Usual
- Public school teachers, not CEOs, are the most privileged class of people in America.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
Feb
17
17
You Know Who Else Liked Solar Panels?
ABOVE: Pastor R. Mark Musser, Lunatic
Shorter Pastor R. Mark Musser, The American “Thinker”:
The Nazi Origins of Apocalyptic Global Warming Theory
- The secret purpose of climate warming alarmists is to kill all the Jews.
[Thanks, Pinko Punko!]
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
Feb
16
16
We’re All White Now
ABOVE: Jeff Jacoby
Shorter Jeff Jacoby, jeffjacoby.com:
Retire the Racial Bean Counters
- Obama lies when he calls himself black. In fact he is a mulatto. Indeed there are so many mulattos running around these days that there really isn’t a need for the Civil Rights Act any more.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
Feb
15
15
Sometimes A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Words
ABOVE: Andrew Breitbutt and “Friend” at 2011 CPAC
Shorter Andrew “Sexy Beast” Breitbart, Big Gay Government:
Correction Request
- I am NOT gay!
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
Feb
14
14
And I Take Col. Mustard At His Word That He’s Not A Practicing Pedophile
Above: \Will-i-a-m Ja-c-ob-s-on\ n. 1. Buttwipe.
2. cobag 3. dickhead.
Shorter William “Col. Mustard” Jacobson, L-eg-a-l I-ns-u-r-erec-t-i-le D-ysf-u-nc-ti-on
They Just Can’t Let Go Of The Birthplace And Religion Issues
- The real problem is not that there are bunches and bunches of Republicans that believe that Obama is a Kenyan-born Muslim. Instead the real problem is that the press keeps pointing out that bunches and bunches of Republicans believe this. Speaking of which, where is Obama’s long-form birth certificate? Huh?? Huh???
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
Feb
13
13
Two Minute Renew America
Arlen Williams: Grover Norquist’s pro-business policies are further proof that he is nothing but a Marxist Nazi Islamist Activist.
Bryan Fisher: Even though I took down my column saying that Native Americans forfeited their moral rights to their tribal lands by having too much extramarital and gay sex, I fully stand behind everything I said in that column.
Gabriel Garnica: I can’t get Fox News on my teevee set.
Selwyn Duke: To all you liberals who think that democracy in Egypt is such a good thing, I have one thing to ask: why are you still in favor of fag marriage after the people of California voted it down?.
Ken Connor: To all you liberals who think that Christians are neanderthals, I have one thing to say: science is complete bunk.
Lloyd Marcus: In spite of what all you liberals are saying, Obama is in favor of eliminating the black race, which is why Obamacare forces all pregnant black women to have abortions.
Sher Zieve: To all you liberals who deny that Obama is trying to install the Muslim Brotherhood as the rulers of Egypt, I have one thing to say: Bill Ayers.
Feb
10
10
Tintin Goes To Tampa Bay
ABOVE: Mr. Delgaudio Practices Pirate Skills
Eugene Delgaudio, a Republican official in Virginia’s Loudon County, best known for claiming that gay TSA agents were getting their jollies patting down male passengers’ junk, is sending out a letter to his constituents claiming that radical homosexual pirates have invaded Tampa Bay, Florida, and are roaming the streets. My bags are packed and I’m hopping the first flight to Tampa with my copy of “How To Talk Like A Pirate” safely tucked under my arm. What fun! I am particularly looking forward to some of the novel uses one might make of a parrot during a gay encounter with a pirate.
January 29th is the 106th annual Gasparilla Pirate Fest in Tampa Bay, Florida. By all accounts it is quite some event, opening with a real live pirate ship docking at port, and literally hundreds of people in pirate costumes “invade” the city in groups called “krewes” The event is a full two weeks of seemingly family oriented events
When I think of family-oriented events, real live pirates are pretty much the first things that pop into my mind. Nothing brings a family together like kidnapping, robbery on the high seas, plank-walking, rum-drinking, some fitful sodomy, and, of course, the occasional lash.
But in recent years Radical Homosexuals have been intent on turning it into a two week alcohol fueled display of public debauchery. Organizers started by purposefully making the parade route zig-zag so no one could call it a “straight parade.”
A little known fact about me is that I used to be more heterosexual than Charlie Sheen on coke in the Plaza Hotel until that fateful summer when I did a zig-zag parade route and wound up in the arms of a well-endowed and insatiable bullfighter before the parade was even close to finished. Once you’ve done the bolero with a torero you want no more-o the senora, as they say, more or less, in Seville.
Word is that Radical Homosexuals have infiltrated as event organizers to promote homosexual events that are designed to prey upon unsuspecting college students by enticing them to join their “krewes” and help build parade floats in exchange for free alcohol. When the young men are sufficiently intoxicated, homosexuals dressed as pirates whisk them away to God knows where to take advantage of them sexually.
Now, I was buying into the whole gay pirate invasion story right until this last bit. I have more than a little experience in the art of gay seduction and I can testify that plying some guy with free booze, even with a little float building thrown in for good measure, is not going to lead a perfectly straight college kid to consent to being whisked off for a little game of hide-the-sausage with a pirate or anyone else. The only person who might give credence to this notion is someone who has limped home after a late night session of buggery and tried to blame it on the Captain Morgan’s. We’re looking at you, Eugene
There are even countless stories of any number of immoral sex act being performed by open homosexuals – some even in broad daylight during the event.
Apparently, sex acts performed by non-open homosexuals are a-okay, which, of course, conveniently gives a pass to those thousands of closeted gay Republican politicians. We’re looking at you, Eugene.
As long as the Radical Homosexuals run free in our streets, they will continue to spread their debauchery and corrupt our culture.
Now would be the time for me to work in a butt pirate joke, but I’m just not coming up with one here.
Feb
8
8
First They Came For The Neo-Nazis
Shorter Rep. Peter King (R-NY), quoted in the New York Times:
Muslims to Be Congressional Hearings’ Main Focus
- To include Neo-Nazis along with Muslims in my hearings on terrorism would be completely unfair to the Neo-Nazis.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
Feb
7
7
Would It Kill This Guy To Tweeze?
ABOVE: Michael “Eyebrows” Walsh
Shorter Michael Walsh, New York Post
Ft. Hood’s victims: sacrificed for PC1
- No. Muslims. In. Our. Military. Ever.2,3
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
1So far no one has ever had to be sacrificed for a Mac. (NY Post: home of the country’s worst editors)
2Because only Mooslim soldiers kill their fellow soldiers.
3If you get off the boat, be sure to visit this little pile of rotten mangoes in Walsh’s piece:
“Political correctness,” which literally seeks to make certain speech unthinkable, should have no place in a free society.
America stopped being free the minute people couldn’t call black folks ni**ers anymore.
Feb
5
5
The White Stuff
ABOVE: Lloyd “Double Stuf” Marcus
Shorter Lloyd Marcus, Ruhnoo Muhrka
Black American Dreads Black History Month
- February should be White History Month instead of Black History Month because white people were responsible for every advancement of the Negro race.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
Feb
2
2
Best New Comment Thingy Game EVAR
Let’s shamelessly steal Roy’s comment game based on this ridiculous drivel from NRO’s Michael Walsh:
Anyway, when you look at the course of revolution in the modern era, it’s always the same-old same-old:
* Czar Nicky — Kerensky — Lenin
* Kaiser Willie — Weimar Republic — Hitler
* Shah Pahlavi — Mr. Bani Sadr — Khomeini
Here are a few examples to start us off:
Frankie Roosevelt — Jameson Carter — Barrold Obama
Maria Anna Schicklgruber — Alois Hitler — Hitler
The Gilgameshinator — King Hank the VIII — Joey Stalin
Hitler — ‘Worse Than’ — Glenn Greenwald
Sojourner Truth — Civil War — White Chicks
Tamerlane — Fred Basset — Barcodes
Yesterday — Last Week — The Day After Tomorrow
Feb
2
2
Gay Marriage Isn’t Valid Unless Printed On Special Paper With Special Ink
This fellow in the video, Pastor Bob Nelson from the Merced First Baptist Church, seems quite pleased with himself (as does the women who makes a brief appearance in the background) for coming up with an incomprehensible argument against gay marriage that has something to do with how you figure out whether a $20 bill is counterfeit. That, says Preacher Bob, is the same way you figure out whether a gay marriage is counterfeit. Apparently if you try to pay for your gas with a gay marriage the Secret Service will arrest you for trying to pass a counterfeit bill. From this we can only conclude that gay marriage should be made illegal.
If your gaydar just went whoop-whoop-whoop, you’re not alone.
[h/t Evan Hurst]
