‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
Bill Ayers is a dick, of course, but that doesn’t diminish from the humor of his brief encounter with a dumpy wingnut blogger from Wilmette, Illinois, at a Starbucks stand in DC’s National Airport. The tale is recounted by Anne “The Backyard Conservative” Leary, the blogger herself, and it becomes, in her retelling, a triumph of, well, Mitty-esque proportions.
It all starts innocently enough:
There I was, sitting in Reagan National Monday morning, sipping a Starbucks by the United counter before going through security.
I’m not quite sure how you sip a Starbucks but I suppose it’s somewhat easier than eating an Outback Steakhouse.
I had a little time, so I was browsing through the news. … That’s when I saw Bill Ayers, an instant blight. … I gathered my things, got my camera ready, and snapped a shot right when he got his coffee.
I asked–what are you doing in D.C. Mr. Ayers?
Sadly, he didn’t say “I’m here to get gay-married to Barack Obama,” but appears instead to have hoped that a look of disdain might chase this annoying little pest away.
For a moment I thought he might be on my flight back to Chicago. Charming.
Apparently she’s worried that Ayers cooties will seep throughout the aircraft and that she’ll have to take a Silkwood shower when she gets back to her backyard to get them all off.
I asked him if he was speaking at GW? (Only I said GFW, guess I had the VFW on my mind) He said oh you mean GW, he said no.
I have no clue where Ms. Backyard learned her mad punctuation skillz or concocted the notion that Ayers was speaking at GFW. This was a reference to George Washington University, one of at least five colleges in DC, and not even the most well-known. Apparently GW is the only DC university that Ms. Backyard has ever heard of.
[Y]ou shouldn’t believe everything you hear about me, [Ayers said,] you know nothing about me. I said, I know plenty–I’m from Chicago, a conservative blogger, and I’ll post this.
At this point, after Ms. Backyard revealed that she was, gasp, a conservative blogger and therefore possessed of kerning skills, unparalleled insights, and teh mad superpowerz, Ayers burst into tears, got down on his knees and pleaded with her not to post anything, just to leave him in peace and be on her way. In fact he was so shaken by the mere presence of a “conservative blogger” that he admitted that he was Obama’s ghost writer:
Then, unprompted he said–I wrote Dreams From My Father.
And, if you don’t believe that Ayers said that, well, Ms. Backyard has posted a picture of her boarding pass, which settles the question beyond all doubt. Seriously.
Of course, it never even occurs to Ms. Backyard that she was being played. Even Bob “My BBQ Greeyuhl Got All Smayeshed Up By The Hurrycane” Owens figured this out, which leaves Ms. Backyard in the unenviable position of being one of the three individuals (well, maybe four if you include Clown Hall’s Carol Platt Liebau) in the group of people on the planet dumber than the Confederate Yankee.
Bonus fun with a particularly dull knife in the wingnutosphere drawer: Someone blogging as Serr8ed examines the EXIF data on Ms. Backyard’s photo to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that Ayers claimed authorship of the Obama book.
Here’s Paul A. Ibbetson, ‘lecturer on the Patriot Act’:
A return to the Planet of the Apes
… Before I begin to share why I believe this country is going to the apes (self-deserved destruction), which I am sure will make the fur fly among many who would falsely infer my assessment is focused somehow on race, instead of policy, and accuse me of crossing into the forbidden zone, let’s look at the overall message that the Planet of the Apes movies tried to convey.
Yes, let’s, Mr. Ibbetson. Lest our ape fur fly at the silly suggestion that your column comparing Barack Obama’s America to the Planet of the Apes might somehow be about race.
Take but a moment to look around you and it won’t take long to see the deadly preparation for chaos that is unfolding from every corner of this country.
It’s like the anarchist boy scout said, ‘Be prepared … for chaos!’
The United States has elected a president in Barack Obama, who when not busy fomenting racial conflict among the people who voted him into the most powerful position in the world, works with every ounce of his strength to destabilize the traditional pillars of this country.
Damn that talking ape Obama for fomenting racial conflict! And even worse, using his ape-like sinews to destabilize the tradition of comparing black people to apes!
This same president invites the apocalypse worthy of the Ape World by emasculating the United States through ill conceived military weakness in foreign assemblies, such as the United Nations.
Talking — it’s for pussies! And apes!
I can only shake my head in frustration as this show of weakness is swiftly spat upon by villains, such as Iran’s dictator Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, on the floor of the U.N. Assembly. In fact, just as the cult of the doomsday bomb worshippers knelt in reverence to an intercontinental missile (termed the Divine Bomb) in Beneath The Planet of the Apes, today, zealots such as Ahmadinejad reach out in wild-eyed salivation to grasp and wield nuclear cleansing fire against the none-believer.
Wait, the Iranians are the apes now? Also, Planet of the Apes kind of jumped the ape with Beneath the Planet of the Apes. Just sayin’.
It’s almost impossible to focus on impending destruction from afar with the domestic clamor of criminal activities from ACORN …
Goddamn apes! They’re friggin’ everywhere! Iran, ACORN offices, the Laff-A-Lympics …
… politicians committing personal scandals as if it’s a race, and the bird-like sing-song chants of personal allegiance by public school children to Barack Obama as lord and savior.
Now those apes are turning our kids into birds! Birds that will undoubtedly be turned into apes … goddamn mutant ape-birds! They’re everywhere!
As if that were not the limit, TEA Party goers are completely de-humanized by the government when they say to an overbearing socialistic administration, ‘Take your stinking paws off me!’
And let me tell you, it’s quite a trick for pawed ape-birds to dehumanize anybody, so this must be pretty serious.
Who among the non-lobotomized left in this country is not shouting aloud (or within), ‘It’s a mad house!’ I ask you now?
I prefer shouting ‘It’s a mad house!’ without AND within, because then it’s like I’m having a conversation with another person.
We Americans, and the world, are truly watching a return to the planet of the apes (chaos and destruction), but as bleak as this reality is, we are still the architects of our future and with that there is hope, and the possibility of redemption.
Fuck yeah! Let’s go kill some apes! Who’s with me? &cetera
This old classic shall never, never go away.
If CBS producer Robert (Joe) Halderman intended to blackmail David Letterman about the funnyman’s sex life, he would have demanded cash, his lawyer said Monday. […]
“Look at the fact that there was a $2 million check. In the history of extortion, I don’t think there’s been a single case where the alleged extortionist took a check in payment. It just doesn’t make any sense.”
And as long as we’re here — the Ernie Anastos “episode” (Putting the Fucking in KFC) reminded us of another even older classic:
I felt as though last week was something of a banner week for wingnuttery, between Dan Riehl’s suggestion that Bill Sparkman was a child predator, Erick Erickson’s threat to replace his police force with mercenaries and the whole Olympics freak out. Just when I think that the American right can’t possibly get any stupider, they do.
And this week they’re at it again. Check out Conservapedia’s new “Conservative Bible Project”:
As of 2009, there is no fully conservative translation of the Bible which satisfies the following ten guidelines:
1. Framework against Liberal Bias: providing a strong framework that enables a thought-for-thought translation without corruption by liberal bias
2. Not Emasculated: avoiding unisex, “gender inclusive” language, and other modern emasculation of Christianity
3. Not Dumbed Down: not dumbing down the reading level, or diluting the intellectual force and logic of Christianity; the NIV is written at only the 7th grade level[3]
4. Utilize Powerful Conservative Terms: using powerful new conservative terms as they develop;[4] defective translations use the word “comrade” three times as often as “volunteer”; similarly, updating words which have a change in meaning, such as “word”, “peace”, and “miracle”.
5. Combat Harmful Addiction: combating addiction by using modern terms for it, such as “gamble” rather than “cast lots”;[5] using modern political terms, such as “register” rather than “enroll” for the census
6. Accept the Logic of Hell: applying logic with its full force and effect, as in not denying or downplaying the very real existence of Hell or the Devil.
7. Express Free Market Parables; explaining the numerous economic parables with their full free-market meaning
8. Exclude Later-Inserted Liberal Passages: excluding the later-inserted liberal passages that are not authentic, such as the adulteress story
9. Credit Open-Mindedness of Disciples: crediting open-mindedness, often found in youngsters like the eyewitnesses Mark and John, the authors of two of the Gospels
10. Prefer Conciseness over Liberal Wordiness: preferring conciseness to the liberal style of high word-to-substance ratio; avoid compound negatives and unnecessary ambiguities; prefer concise, consistent use of the word “Lord” rather than “Jehovah” or “Yahweh” or “Lord God.”
I can’t decide what I like best about this — the fact that they think the Bible is an Ayn Rand-style ode to the glory of the free market or that they demand that the text not be dumbed down in guideline #3 while demanding that the text be dumbed down in guideline #10.
At any rate, I’ve got a piece over at AlterNet recapping the week that was in wingnuttery in case you missed any thing. Needless to say, Erickson’s brilliant plan to privatize his police force made the final cut:
Writing at the PeachPundit blog, Erickson said that he actually asked the city attorney about the possibility of dissolving the police department. The attorney replied that police unions in the state of Georgia cannot strike or collectively bargain, meaning that any union the police formed would be essentially worthless. This didn’t deter Erickson entirely, however, as he said he’d still rather “contract out to the sheriff’s office than see a union come in” because unions “breed inefficiency, corruption, and taint.”
Regardless of how this ultimately turns out, you have to seriously question the intelligence of a man who talks openly of canning his entire police department. It’s almost as if he’s begging to be pulled over and subjected to multiple anal cavity searches.
Please consider reading teh whole thing. Thx.
Dr. Tintin adds: The absolutely best part of this ConservaBible business is further down where the writer (presumably the redoubtable Andy Schlafly) claims that “Father forgive them for they know not what they do” is a liberal corruption of what Jesus actually said, which was, apparently, “Father, smite these sorry-assed motherfuckers with a lightning bolt because they know exactly what they are doing!”
ABOVE: Portrait of Friedrich Sigismund van Heiden
Reinestein Barnes (1740-1806) by an unknown artist
Shorter Fred Barnes, “The Blog”
Obama’s Olympic Failure Will Test the Washington Press Corps
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
ABOVE: Jacques-Louis David, La Mort de Hanson, huile
sur toile, 1787
Shorter Victor Davius Gaius Valens Hostilianus Messius Quintus Hanson,* Pessimus Angulus Americae Occulto Per Fimus™:
A PR Nightmare for the Obamas
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
I’m going out, but here’s a topic to discuss:
Which right-wing hissy fit was stupider, the one about Obama’s school speech or the one about his failed Olympics bid?
Bonus topic: How will they ever top either one?
Bonus topic II: Obama better not get caught with an intern. Just sayin’.
Macon, Georgia’s most illustrious prose stylist, grammar maven, and scholar of history Erick “Joe Bubba” Erickson lets that colored boy in the White House have it:
ABOVE: Mahatma “Bubba”
Mahatmason
Obama released a statement regarding Mahatma Gandhi’s birthday. In the statement, Obama says, “Americans owe an enormous measure of gratitude to the Mahatma. His teachings and ideals, shared with Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. on his 1959 pilgrimage to India, transformed American society through our civil rights movement.”
There’s just one problem.
Mahatma Gandhi was assassinated in 1948.
Surely Obama’s statement was just poorly worded. But you would think the man who wants to set an example by banning texting while driving government vehicles would also want to set an example on proper grammar and writing.
Jesus, Joseph, and Mahatma! Only somebody whose entire knowledge of Martin Luther King’s life was that grandpappy once said King was a communist agitator financed by Northern nigg*r-lovers would read Obama’s statement to mean that King met personally with Gandhi during King’s famous pilgrimage to India in 1959. I suppose if Obama ever mentioned that Jesus’s teachings had been shared with him at church, Cracker Crackerson’s retort would have been that Jesus was crucified in 32 A.D.
And, excuse me for pointing this out, but Bubba Bubbason is not in such a good position to be dissing anyone else’s writing skills. Look at some of Bubba’s prose stylings that I found all in one post:
The ineffable sorrows of improper subject-verb agreement:
The incidents of late with Rush Limbaugh, Mark Levin, Dick Cheney, and others is why I raise this.
…
The “anyone” being referred to are the leftists who won’t take Levin, Limbaugh, or others seriously anyway.
…
As an aside, perhaps an even greater bother are the high minded types on our side who condemn any level of aggressive activism
Confusing pronoun antecedents cause people to ostracize their admirers:
Their typical means of ostracism is to condemn the rest of us for daring to say nice things about them.
You would think that members of the party of David Vitter and Larry Craig would learn how to spell indiscreet:
But it should likewise mean we don’t race to the nearest microphone to condemn our own when they do something indiscrete.
Tortured metaphors keep America safe from terrorists:
Like a vulture flying in flock with swans, they benefit from the work the rest of us are doing to gain themselves credibility. The media plays along calling the vultures swans so others, they hope, see ugly ducklings around the vultures instead of swans.
From the current Gandhi post, a dangling participle has Obama writing laws while driving cars:
But you would think the man who wants to set an example by banning texting while driving government vehicles would also want to set an example on proper grammar and writing.
And one last dig at the Gandhi post before we’re done: the inane comparison between improper grammar and texting while driving deserves special mention, unless, of course, I’ve missed all those people killed or injured by subject-verb agreement errors.
I have seen the future, my friends, and it is hilarious.
Last night I was struck by a prophetic dream in which RedState doofus and Macon city councilor Erick Erickson has succeeded in his quest to save his town from the scourge of its police department. Join with me, friends, as we gaze into the crystal ball…
Erickson dissolves Macon police department
City councilor Erick Erickson today declared that his successful bid to abolish the police department in Macon was a triumph for free-market capitalism and for freedom-loving Tea Party patriots everywhere.
“Ridding our fair city of this pestilence will bring in a new era of freedom that will serve as a model for the rest of American to follow!” bellowed Erickson, who was dressed in his customary powdered wig and triangle hat. “Eliminating the police department is just the start of my bold agenda to downsize government in Macon. Memo to the firefighters: your asses are next!”
When asked who would be responsible for arresting and detaining criminals in Macon now that the city had no organized police force, Erickson blinked his eyes for five seconds before muttering, “What?”
Crime in Macon spikes by 2 trillion percent
City councilor Erick Erickson pleaded for calm in the city today even as new data showed that crime in the city has risen by 2 trillion percent since he decided to dissolve the police department last week.
“Freedom is messy,” said Erickson, whose powdered wig looked somewhat unkempt. “But golly gosh, it’s only been a week! Before some of you negative nellies in the press start attacking me, let’s give the program more of a chance. Golly! Goodness gracious me!”
At this point, Erickson’s press conference was cut off as a pack of gangsters stormed city hall and held up all the reporters at gunpoint. Erickson was hurriedly escorted off the premises by his bodyguards.
“We absolutely love this Erickson character,” said Rocco “Skinny Legs” Mancini, one of the gangsters at the stick-up. “Ever since he abolished the police department, it has created a wonderful free-enterprise zone where we may conduct our wholly legitimate business without interference.”
Mancini said that he and his family — who had moved in from New Jersey just days after hearing of Erickson’s decision to disband the police — had formed ErickPAC, a political action committee dedicated to making Erickson a city councilor for the next five thousand years.
Erickson hires Blackwater to protect Macon
After enduring months of looting, pillaging, mass murder and general lawlessness, Macon may finally be getting a police force… of sorts.
City councilor Erick Erickson today announced that he had hired the private security firm Blackwater to protect Macon’s terrified populace.
“The long town-wide nightmare that I created is now over!” boomed Erickson, who stood at the podium surrounded by Blackwater employees equipped with fully automatic weapons. “Through the miracle of the free market, I have given Blackwater a no-bid contract to protect the citizens of Macon from crime for more money than it would have cost us to pay our own ungrateful, union-loving police department. Behold the wonders of capitalism at work!”
