The Lawgiver! It bleeds!!

Now show the Bomb our true faces.

Damnit, blew a frist! God I loved those movies. When they needed a background for the dystopian future of Conquest of the Planet of the Apes, they chose Century City, CA. Not bad, considering that’s where ex-president Reagan’s office was, in the building that happily gets blown up in Die Hard.

His photo is begging for a fancy feathered cap and a toilet.

He did it… he finally did it.

Ah, Renew America, home of the Leonard Pinth-Garnell School of Op/Ed Writing.

a return to the planet of the apes (chaos and destruction)

What was so chaotic or destructive about Planet of the Apes?
Harrumph.

O-o What was all that about, though?

Take but a moment to look around you and it won’t take long to see the deadly preparation for chaos that is unfolding from every corner of this country.

What, those disruptive and dangerous Tea Potty loons?

The United States has elected a president in Barack Obama, who when not busy fomenting racial conflict among the people who voted him into the most powerful position in the world, works with every ounce of his strength to destabilize the traditional pillars of this country.

It’s true. I’ve seen Obama’s diary, and it looks like this:
6.00 am Organic muesli and vegetable juice breakfast
6.30 am Jog around oval office wearing loincloth
7.00 am Foment racial conflict
11.00 Pray to Satan my master
12.30 Lunch – arugula
1.30 Nap
3.00 Destabilize traditional pillars (especially Christian ones)
7.00 Din-dins
11.00 Sweet sweet lovin’

Correction: that last line should have read:
11.00 Sweet sweet lovin’ with a blackity black woman who’s livin’ wit’ me in De Whitey House, heh heh heh. These bedsprings have never sprung so much.

Before I begin to share why I believe this country is going to the apes (self-deserved destruction), which I am sure will make the fur fly among many who would falsely infer my assessment is focused somehow on race, instead of policy,…

“… must accept that I am too dull to understand anything that isn’t couched in vapid melodrama. I use Planet of the Apes because I am a monosyllabic cretin not because I’m desperately looking for a metaphor that let’s me compare Obama to an ape. See how I did that? Aren’t I clever?”

… politicians committing personal scandals as if it’s a race,

Errr, excuse me, Mister Apey-whatsit, but weren’t they by and large Republicans?

Now listen?! Comparing the Apes movies, which are about racism/slavery/inequality, to the govt of a black man is NOT about race. Simply, because I can create parallels to support my views. Still, it’s a great analogy? It works in so many ways!!! This is the kind of propaganda that everyone can agree and laugh with/at.

PLANTE OF THE APES WATERMELON TERROR FIST JABBING TRAITORS (like Hitler /Satan)

Owlbear, it’s probably also because PotA gives them an excuse to think of The Mighty Charlton (also wearing a loincloth, coincidentally), which gives them a thrill up their legs (and whatever: I have no wish to imagine further).

Expect analogies based on Moses and Omega Man to follow soon. And of course Soylent Green (“It’s people! ACORN is people!”)

Wingers do like their Chucks, don’t they?

Yeah, of all the dystopian models of Teh Future he might’ve picked to squint at, he picked the one where the scary gorillas are in power. Its a total fucking mystery.

Beneath the Planet of the Apes didn’t just jump the shark, it obliterated the shark in a nuclear holocaust.

But yes, a time-travel parable is the perfect thing to compare this administration’s policies to future events. However, I’d have chosen an older classic source that has Morlocs and Eloi, with the trogloditic Graystaters/Redmeatstaters rising up to prey upon the flesh of those who live in an ecological paradise with simple pleasures and silk garments that prove that the reverse engineering of the silkworm DNA will not get their wings back and thusly must be torn off as they imply Darwinism and Hitler and good eatin’.

BTW, all the really cool infant/toddlers will be sporting this on Halloween.

Damn fucking pussy apes. Hell, god-damned dirty apes only engage in cannibalism and child murdering on a semi-regular basis.

Leonard Pinth-Garnell School of Op/Ed Writing.

Ooooh, good one. I was merely going to say this fellow was sliding into Swank-ville.

Is it possible the Renew America crowd actually sit back from the keyboard, look at their output, & pronounce themselves satisfied? Is there some sort of Alan Keyes Textual Mixmaster that makes them all write this crazily? For example:

this show of weakness is swiftly spat upon by villains

Or

ill conceived military weakness in foreign assemblies, such as the United Nations

Next time, Mr. President, bring an armored division to the General Assembly, ‘K?

A sincere thank you to Mr. Aristo, for his service to Sadly, No! Late Night. The night owls & (if I may presume to speak for them) Anti-Podeans appreciate it muchly.

The Coast is the most, baby!!

who when not busy fomenting racial conflict among the people who voted him into the most powerful position in the world, works with every ounce of his strength to destabilize the traditional pillars of this country.

Bertrand Russell said it first,* with greater balance and concision: “All the time that he can spare from the adornment of his person, he devotes to the neglect of his duties.”

* Though he claimed to be quoting a Professor of Philosophy on the subject of the Professor of Greek.

bjacques: What you do in that case is type “Second!!” w/ no further reference.

Oh, look, an Anti-Podean! (Freakin’ Podes!)

this show of weakness is swiftly spat upon by villains
While TWIRLING THEIR MOUSTACHES.
Not everyone can twirl and spit at the same time. You try it some time. There’s a good chance that the saliva will end up all over your fingers, giving the show of weakness a chance to escape.

Well, I for one think the whole Planet of the Apes allegory held together very well. Race was clearly the furthest thing from Ibbetson‘s mind. It says far more about his critics that they would even think such a thing.

His next article: “Why Defeating Obama is the White Man’s Burden — but not in a racist way!”

wield nuclear cleansing fire against the none-believer.

Oh, then we’re in the clear. Since you guys keep telling us all the time how this is a Christian nation, blah de blah de blah, we’re cool since we believe in something. And I’m pretty sure the PRC, being the only major world power that is a ‘none-believer’ (aside from the belief in the almighty power of tiger dong) can watch their own backs.

The Coming Of The Purple Better One.

I’d say something, but Burroughs beat me to it.

So, people are now dressing their mutant (redundant, I know) offspring as any immobile object & dragging them about for Hallowe’en?

Youth: You have nothing to lose but your stupid costumes!

A. J. and entourage start into New York night club. A. J. is leading a purple-assed baboon on a gold chain. A. J. is dressed in checked linen plus fours with a cashmere jacket.

MANAGER: “Wait a minute. Wait a minute. What’s that?’

A. J.: “It’s an Illyrian poodle. Choicest beast a man can latch onto. It’ll raise the tone of your trap.”

MANAGER: “I suspect it to be a purple-assed baboon and it stands outside.”

The Lawgiver! It bleeds!!
I shall interpret that as a veiled Judge Dredd reference, giving myself an excuse to link to teh Screaming Blue Messiahs.

Aw-reet! Dr. Benway in a lucid phase!

What? No, it’s telepathic psychological warfare by the mutants against the gorilla army, like the mirages of apes crucified among flames. But, still…MEGA CITY 1!!!!111!

@jon: The Bomb’ll get you for that.

We Americans, and the world, are truly watching a return to the planet of the apes (chaos and destruction), but as bleak as this reality is, we are still the architects of our future and with that there is hope, and the possibility of redemption.

It’s just me I am sure, but I read something like this and I think about Wag the Dog… when Willie Nelson is told to come up with a song about an old shoe, a ballad about “loss and redemption”. Renew America, making faux tragedy into an art form.

Leonard P-G it is: (applauding) “Dreadful! Jejeune! Never have metaphors been more blissfully mixed.”
Gosh, could it have been that this dipstick missed out the anti-racist metaphors in Conquest of the Planet of the Apes?

Errr, excuse me, Mister Apey-whatsit, but weren’t they by and large Republicans?
The liebural media would have you think so, but in reality it’s just because Obama is fomenting racism day and night. And the appearing weak. That’ll do it.

Gosh, could it have been that this dipstick missed out the anti-racist metaphors in Conquest of the Planet of the Apes?

The whosy-whatsit now? There can’t be anti-racism in Planet of the Apes, look how they oppressed the poor white man! Figure that one out, smarty-pants liberals!

—

Really, these people couldn’t spot a metaphor if it was bribing them.

If Obama tears down all the pillars, won’t the building fall in on him? Damn it, I KNEW we shouldn’t have let his hair grow long.

politicians committing personal scandals as if it’s a race

I thought he said it wasn’t about race …

works with every ounce of his strength to destabilize the traditional pillars of this country

So he’s the ape Samson now?

the grotesque gorilla governed ground

You say that like it’s a bad thing.

The Planet of the Apes was a world of repetitious pain and anguish

Yes, those sequels got pretty repetitious, and I definitely felt pain and anguish when I watched them.

You know, if Obama DID turn up with an armoured division at the UN, the Right would just howl that he was trying to impose martial law… especially as the UN, those evil foreigners that they are, is of course based in New York. Do they actually know, do you think, what the reality of what they are arguing for even would look like?

Get your filthy hands off my teabag, you ape!

fomenting racial conflict among the people who voted him into the most powerful position in the world

Translation:
When I caught a listen to one of Obama’s cabinet meetings I knew he was out to get whitey.

The country is “going to the apes”? Aren’t countries and other entities in decline generally described as “going to the dogs”? But I suppose that would undermine his carefully honed and totally not-racist policy driven metaphor based on a series of films about a society in which the slaves overthrew their masters.

The United States has elected a president in Barack Obama, who when not busy fomenting racial conflict among the people who voted him into the most powerful position in the world, works with every ounce of his strength to destabilize the traditional pillars of this country….This same president invites the apocalypse worthy of the Ape World by emasculating the United States through ill conceived military weakness in foreign assemblies, such as the United Nations.

If your balls resemble pillars, consider seeing your doctor.

emasculating the United States

I believe I see the crux of his problem…

Wow, this is pretty impressively idiotic even by Renew America standards. I still have no clue what the point of that article is, except to repeat all the usual “Obama is Hitler AND Chamberlain” teabagging stuff in the most retarded and needlessly racist way possible.
…
Wait, I think I do understand.

Does he live in Guinea or something? Labouring under the impression that it’s the USA?

I can only shake my head in frustration as this show of weakness is swiftly spat upon by villains, such as Iran’s dictator Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, on the floor of the U.N. Assembly

But Ahmadinejad was allowed to address the U.N. General Assembly three times during Bush’s presidency! Does that mean Bush is three times the killer ape-man that Obama is?

Does that mean Bush is three times the killer ape-man that Obama is?

Like John Bolton, this guy paid absolutely no attention to the UN while the Bush administration was in charge.

I didn’t either, but I have an excuse. A terrible excuse that relies on me being lazy, but still, an excuse.

Obama Administration: “Grape Ape! Grape Ape!”
Paul Ibbetson: “YEOW! It’s a gorill-ill-ill-ill-la!”
It all goes back to his childhood…

Remember how Bush made us strong with Mission Accomplished in two countries?
~

Almost 50 comments and no one has screamed about maniacs blowing things?

I laughed. I cried. I wished you didn’t have quite so much material.

…who when not busy fomenting racial conflict among the people who voted him into the most powerful position in the world…

See, I think he’s misunderestimating things here. The people who voted Obama into the most powerful position in the world…they aren’t the ones fomenting racial conflict.

…to grasp and wield nuclear cleansing fire against the none-believer.

I’d have thought conservatives would be happy that atheist-bashers are getting better armed.

Anyways, I’m not sure what Ibbetson’s problem with Planet of the Apes is. A strict authoritarian society with a class structure dictated by one’s racial background where the militaristic ultra-nationalist patriots are at the top. Sounds like a wingnut dream-world.

I recall the planet of the apes being a fairly sophisticated, orderly society until those pesky humans landed. Or maybe that’s the theory here: Civilization? It’s for apes!

By all means, we’d be better off in the utopia imagined by the rightwingers than we would on the Planet of the Apes.

I like to think of the rightwing utopia as “Planet of the Snopes”. It features all the intelligence of current-day apes without the cheesy faux-monkey suits.

There’s a “wolverines!” aspect to this in that it’s a Charlton Heston flick he’s chosen as a metaphor. Now he has set the stage for his next piece on The Ten Commandments as he bemoans the lack of a savior to tell Obama to “let my people go!”

I hate every ape I see
From chimpan-a to chimpan-zee
No you’ll never make a monkey out of me

I love you, Dr. Zaius!

I hope Ibbetson retranslates the Planet of the Apes scripts to remove their liberal bias.

The United States has elected a president in Barack Obama, who when not busy fomenting racial conflict among the people who voted him into the most powerful position in the world

Actually the people who voted him into that position are just fine with one another bub. It’s the ones who didn’t vote for him who are experiencing all the racial tension.

[…] works with every ounce of his strength to destabilize the traditional pillars of this country.

I really wish this part was true, actually. If I had to put a number to what percentage of his strength he puts to this sort of thing, I’d say maybe 5%, 10% if I was feeling generous.

The humans in the Planet of the Apes movies that Taylor and company discovered had lost their ability to speak and subsequently it was a precursor to additional hardship and abuse for everyone. This is not so different from the here and now, as, at times, the American people do the same (remain silent at their own peril) by way of their busy lives and self induced apathy.

Did they lose their ability to write in English? DID THEY?

Did they lose their ability to write in English?

OMFGLOL! WUT? LOL!

Lawd, these people just cannot help themselves.

Surely this article is in fact a subtle argument in favor of torture, showing how useful such techniques can be when applied to, say, a language.

Really, the best bit is when he frets about Teabaggers being ‘dehumanized’ … in a column comparing his political opponents to apes.

this show of weakness is swiftly spat upon by villains….such as Ahmadinejad reach out in wild-eyed salivation to grasp and wield nuclear cleansing fire against the none-believer.

He has issues about spit, I think.

We Americans, and the world, are truly watching a return to the planet of the apes (chaos and destruction),

Oh, yawn. These guys are such pussies!! They think the world is coming to an end if people are allowed to make fun of them.

Really – Compare and contrast – our version of an abusive president? One who suspends habeus corpus. Their version of an abusive president? One schoolchildren sing about.

Is Pastor Swank giving writing lessons?

The giant flying stone head in my backyard suggests that the U.S. is going the way of Zardoz. Talk about emasculating.

Well, the penis is evil, you have to give them that much.

Beware the Wingnut, for he is the Devil’s pawn.
(Sadly not) alone among God’s primates,
He kills for sport or lust or greed.
Yea, he will murder his brother to possess his brother’s land.
Let him not breed in great numbers,
For he will make a desert of his home and yours.
Shun him; drive him back into his jungle lair,
For he is the harbinger of death.

Erm, that last bit had nothing to do with any part of Paul son of Pibbet.

Oh don’t be coy. I think Ibbetson would be absolutely fetching in a red diaper and gogo boots.

Planet of the Apes isn’t just about race. You can’t overlook the secondary theme of PotA: the suppression of knowledge and research by a religious authority, i.e. the Minister for Science/Defender of the Faith. Why this Ibbetson thinks that applies to Obama and not his predecessor Bush, I don’t know, but it is a non-racial theme.

Wasn’t Ronald Reagan the president who liked to pall around with a chimp?

let’s look at the overall message that the Planet of the Apes movies tried to convey.

I believe that message was “racism is bad”. But do go on…

You can’t overlook the secondary theme of PotA: the suppression of knowledge and research by a religious authority

But isn’t a facet of racism, at least societal and cultural racism (as opposed to individual racism), the deliberate suppression of information that would tend to humanize those who are oppressed?

Think about it: when slaves were kept in this country, weren’t the people who didn’t own them and weren’t slaves basically told “They ain’t like us” so as to keep suspicions that, you know, they might be people too at a minimum?

Is this the end result of a 24/7/365 “diet” of listening to/watching the jugglers and clowns on teh teevees and teh wirelesses? Cuz I think my family thinks like this. I haz a sadz now.

You know, I have the same response to this as I did to the New York Post chimp cartoon: if I’m drunk enough to give you the benefit of the doubt and decide MAYBE you didn’t set out to be racist, you still sure as shit need to come up with something non-monkey related if you’re going to rant about the first black president. If you choose not to, you’re dumb enough to deserve being branded a racist.

I think I’m sophisticated
‘Cos I’m living my life like a good homosapien
But all around me everybody’s multiplying
Till they’re walking round like flies man
So I’m no better than the animals sitting in their cages
in the zoo man
‘Cos compared to the flowers and the birds and the trees
I am an ape man
I think I’m so educated and I’m so civilized
‘Cos I’m a strict vegetarian
But with the over-population and inflation and starvation
And the crazy politicians
I don’t feel safe in this world no more
I don’t want to die in a nuclear war
I want to sail away to a distant shore and make like an ape man
I’m an ape man, I’m an ape ape man
I’m an ape man I’m a King Kong man I’m ape ape man
I’m an ape man
‘Cos compared to the sun that sits in the sky
compared to the clouds as they roll by
Compared to the bugs and the spiders and flies
I am an ape man
In man’s evolution he has created the cities and
the motor traffic rumble, but give me half a chance
and I’d be taking off my clothes and living in the jungle
‘Cos the only time that I feel at ease
Is swinging up and down in a coconut tree
Oh what a life of luxury to be like an ape man
I’m an ape, I’m an ape ape man, I’m an ape man
I’m a King Kong man, I’m a voo-doo man
I’m an ape man
I look out my window, but I can’t see the sky
‘Cos the air pollution is fogging up my eyes
I want to get out of this city alive
And make like an ape man
Come and love me, be my ape man girl
And we will be so happy in my ape man world
I’m an ape man, I’m an ape ape man, I’m an ape man
I’m a King Kong man, I’m a voo-doo man
I’m an ape man
I’ll be your Tarzan, you’ll be my Jane
I’ll keep you warm and you’ll keep me sane
and we’ll sit in the trees and eat bananas all day
Just like an ape man
I’m an ape man, I’m an ape ape man, I’m an ape man
I’m a King Kong man, I’m a voo-doo man
I’m an ape man.
I don’t feel safe in this world no more
I don’t want to die in a nuclear war
I want to sail away to a distant shore
And make like an ape man.

Kinks Apeman lyrics

In related news, one of the detainees that got released to go work on that golf course has been arrested for espionage.

Yes, Bermuda police have the Spy of the Uighur.

What on earth could a Chinese Muslim possibly learn on the mini-golf course at the Fairmont Southampton that could be of use to Al Qaeda? What club to use on a chip shot from 70 yards out????

If they want to draw a wingnut parallel to a preachy 1970s chuck heston sci fi movie, why not the Omega Man? Chuck Heston is the Last Man On Earth, lives in a fortified apartment surrounded by guns and the last icons of Western civilization, surrounded by anti-technology hippie zombies in California who lob clumsy shots at him from a catapult while he picks them off with a rifle. I can’t think of a better metaphor for the intellectual wingnut’s self-image.

Of course they’d never touch Soylent Green. Now With More People(tm)

Soylent Pepsi, the Taste of a New Generation.

Soylent Pepsi, the Taste of a New Generation

Any brand that gets Derek Jeter as a spokesman should be suspect.

@Cargo: Especially because, much like Heston, the past couple years saw Bush get replaced by a younger, more endearing black guy with a cute dog.

I’m so cute. I start reading that eedjit and I can’t believe it! It just gets worse and worse!

The feeling slowly dawns on me, “Wait…what?…This…this man is a complete…” And then I see he’s from Renew America, and it all makes sense.

Renew America: The House Organ of Indignant Idiots

Poor Paul A. Ibbetson. He’ll always be James Franciscus to Pastor Swank’s Chuck Heston.

Soylent Green is about a future America suffering from global warming and over-population. I think the wingnuts just find the idea of humans being oppressed by talking apes to be slightly more realistic.

“Renew America”? Is that the group with Michael Marcavage, the guy pushing 30 who’s still a virgin and brags about it?

He was protesting against abortion someplace and a 14 year old girl passing by told him he needed to “grow a vagina” before he started telling women what they can do with theirs.

All the rightards have are their hate and racism – and a mainstream media who kiss their a**es and give them legitimacy.

Sad for the country.

OT – from yesterday’s riffing on the conservative bible malarky, Twitter has this fucker blanketed. Just search for #conservativebible , there’s lots of internets being won.

This same president invites the apocalypse worthy of the Ape World by emasculating the United States through ill conceived military weakness in foreign assemblies, such as the United Nations.

Wait… Hold on. I’ve been interpreting that movie incorrectly my whole life. I thought the ending was a statement on too many nuclear weapons. Where the cold war led into a hot (very hot, nuclear hot) war which obliterated the planet. Apparently, I missed the part where nuclear disarmament led to nuclear oblideration through the mechanism of… wait. huh?

“Dr. Zaius”
Ape: Help, the human’s about to escape.
Troy: Get your paws off me, you dirty ape.
Ape: [gasping] He can talk!

Apes: [in unison, chanting] He can talk, he can talk, he can talk, he can talk, he can talk, he can talk!

Troy: [singing] I can siiiiiing!

[funky beat of “Rock Me Amadeus” starts playing]

Female Nurse Ape: Ooh, help me Dr. Zaius!
Apes: [in unison] Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius / Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius / Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius
Oh… Dr. Zaius
Ape: Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius.

Troy: What’s wrong with me?
Zaius: I think you’re crazy.
Troy: Want a second opinion.
Zaius: You’re also lazy.

Apes: [in unison] Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius / Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius / Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius

Troy: Can I play the piano anymore?
Zaius: Of course you can.
Troy: Well I couldn’t before!

[plays piano]

Oh lordy, the Simpsons truly had a golden age.

Oh, Homer, that’s just an urban legend. People don’t do that kind of thing with fish! Now, Dan Riehl, on the other hand…

You can’t overlook the secondary theme of PotA: the suppression of knowledge and research by a religious authority …

But the point isn’t what Planet of the Apes is or isn’t about. The point is, as another commenter mentioned, that of all the dystopian future sci-fi to compare present-day America to, PotA is the one that absolutely adds a racist overtone to your analogy, by dint of the well-known historic dehumanization of black people by comparing them to apes.

This is not a complicated thing. The moron who wrote the above column even recognizes this problem with his analogy, but goes ahead with it anyway. That means either a) he is too stupid to figure out another sci-fi tale to use for his little exercise, or b) he goes ahead with the PotA thing because he actively wants to blow the racist dog whistle (ape whistle?) while disingenuously disowning it at the same time (the more likely explanation).

(ape whistle?)

Probably “Aba Daba Honeymoon,” because it’s virtually impossible to whistle “Mickey’s Monkey.”

So, apes are the dog whistles of planetary fascism?

I can only shake my head in frustration as this show of weakness is swiftly spat upon by villains

I just want to know why these guys are so transparent about their insecurities: oh noez i haz impotenss!

I can’t believe you missed the most important sub-plot! That reference to “sing-song chants” is clearly a reference to the ape-like “Yellow Peril” Red Communist Mao Devil Doctor Fu Manchu Chinese Apes that also want to Destroy America and steal our white women. So you’ve at least 2 different flavors of miscegenation mixed in with the intoxicating scent of bestiality. Excuse me, I have to go lie down for a few moments now.

my GODS these people are sore losers

I loath bananas.

ill conceived military weakness in foreign assemblies, such as the United Nations.

I did not know we were planning for our military to storm the UN assembly, I am certainly glad Obama’s put a stop to that.

Seriously, though – even knowing what I know about the issues that wingnuts fixate on, this nonsense is so poorly written I have no idea what they’re talking about.

What does he mean by “ill-conceived military weakness in foreign assemblies such as the United Nations.”? I assume he’s talking about Obama chairing the UN Security Council summit on nuke non-proliferation, but how could anyone who didn’t know that get THAT out of what he wrote?

“Assemblies such as the United Nations?” Oh, are there others out there, then?

And just what the heck is this referring to:

“Barack Obama, who when not busy fomenting racial conflict among the people who voted him “ this is just a “given” the reader is supposed to accept?

and : TEA Party goers are completely de-humanized by the government – WTF?

If, in 10 years someone were unlucky enough to stumble on this, it will be literally impossible to figure out what it means.

…many who would falsely infer my assessment is focused somehow on race, instead of policy…

Amen! Preach it Ibby!
Defense of Bush-era torture atrocities?
Continued claims of powers of indefinite suspension?
Bankster TARP relief?
Escalation in Afghanistan?
Watering down the Public Option?
Avoiding FOI requests by hiding behind “National Security”?

What’s it gonna be? What policies are you gonna skewer?
…
ACORN and Iran? That’s what your prediction of the primate-ruled dystopian future is based on? Ummmm, perhaps this “policy” thing you invoked doesn’t mean what you think it means.

You can tell I’m a Canuck by the way all my sentences end like questions? Eh?

the deadly preparation for chaos that is unfolding

Oh good! They’re killing themselves, preparing. Or is it the unfolding of the preparation that’s deadly? What the fuck is he talking about?*

* blackity black nigger in the white house, yes I know.

zealots such as Ahmadinejad reach out in wild-eyed salivation to grasp and wield nuclear cleansing fire against the none-believer

Wild-eyed and salivating, eh? Didn’t realize that Ahmadinejad was a character from a comic book.

And, um, cleansing? That word has positive connotations, dudn’t it? Are we seeing an unintentional reveal there?

my GODS these people are sore losers

I prefer to think of the Renew America crowd as more of a doomsday cult. If only they’d buy their damn Nikes and hitch a ride on the next available comet.

“In one of the countless billions of galaxies in the universe, lies a medium-sized star, and one of its satellites, a green and insignificant planet, is now dead.”

I prefer to think of the Renew America crowd as more of a doomsday cult. If only they’d buy their damn Nikes and hitch a ride on the next available comet.

Perhaps they could go ahead and actually cut off their balls.

I think that it’s worth taking a closer look (if just for a moment; steel yourselves for the task, darlings) at this Paul A. Ibbetson. He done wrote hisself a book that got five-star reviews on Amazon from, among other people, Amy E. Ibbetson of Cherryvale, Kansas, and… Paul A. Ibbetson. Coincidence, I’m sure. Not sure whether he favors the Patriot Act or not, but a more nuanced view may be coming with his next book, Let Your Chains Sit Lightly Upon You: Loving Big Brother, As Long As He’s Not A Brother Man.

Take but a moment to look around you and it won’t take long to see

so, it won’t take long to take a moment. Thanks for that.

Writing this bad makes me chuckle.

“Barack Obama, who when not busy fomenting racial conflict among the people who voted him “ this is just a “given” the reader is supposed to accept?

Yup, that’s wingnut MO. We just know that Obama is causing domestic strife and implementing Socialism Communism Fascism simply by existing and exerting his dusky will to sap that of the Heroes, or something – no laws are being passed or anything, it all happens through pure magic.

I stumbled across the website of a former coworker of mine yesterday – hadn’t seen the guy in ten years, so not since pre-Gee-Dumbya days. Back then he was a libertarian. Now he’s gone full wingnut and his blog has gotten steadily more hysterical since Obama was elected, using just this mechanism of asserting that Obama is making us socialist and gonna raise our taxes!!! gibber gibber!

Seems like the noises in the echo chamber have gone a bit shrill.

And in case anyone didn’t read their Krugman yesterday, which I hadn’t, he fucking nails it again.

The key point is that ever since the Reagan years, the Republican Party has been dominated by radicals — ideologues and/or apparatchiks who, at a fundamental level, do not accept anyone else’s right to govern.

Here I thought it would be OT to post it. Silly me.

Before I begin to share why I believe this country is going to the apes (self-deserved destruction), which I am sure will make the fur fly among many who would falsely infer my assessment is focused somehow on race, instead of policy, and accuse me of crossing into the forbidden zone, let’s look at the overall message that the Planet of the Apes movies tried to convey.

“I’m about to say something offensive, false and racist. So, let’s talk about movies.”

Just Alison, aka Snail Joust said,

in your original post, it should have read:

11.00 Sweet sweet monkey lovin’

it makes more sense than anything that Ibbetson’s article said.

I think that the compulsory bananas in every house and the tyre swing in every room are the biggest clues to preparing for apey chaos.

I think that the compulsory bananas in every house and the tyre swing in every room are the biggest clues to preparing for apey chaos.

This is hidden in the reconciliation version of the Omnibus National Health Care and Uniform-Wearing Act of 2010.

Xecky, I like the part about how he’s not only doing it, he’s “busy” doing it, and also working “with every ounce of his strength” to …er … Something Bad.

I think that the compulsory bananas in every house and the tyre swing in every room

Veiled PENIS and CIRCUMCISION reference.

I like the part about how he’s not only doing it, he’s “busy” doing it, and also working “with every ounce of his strength” to …er … Something Bad.

I agree, that is especially precious. I can just imagine the sweat beading on Obama’s brow with the effort, and I’m sure the Ibbster has imagined that too – in great detail.

He did miss a chance to use the phrase “every fiber of his being” there, tho, so minus four Wingnut Points for that.

“In one of the countless billions of galaxies in the universe, lies a medium-sized star, and one of its satellites, a green and insignificant planet, is now dead.”

I still remember how damn scared I was sitting in the theater after hearing that line (spoken by Paul Frees)

TEA Party goers are completely de-humanized by the government

Nature beat government to that job, chief.

The most awesome part to me was how clever he thinks this bit is.

Despite some hippie-residue of the cultural time in which the movies were made, I think some fundamentally important messages rang out from the grotesque gorilla governed ground in which the character Taylor would fight to survive. The most important enduring message is that if we abuse what we have (our power, authority, tradition, and yes our country — if not world) we will not only find ourselves running in chaos amongst the freaks, but that we will also deserve to be caught up in the nets of our own demise.

That’s also about where I had to stop reading, due to the flames and blood spouting from my eye sockets.

My Obama/ape analogy is not racist because I say so, which is in fact central to my point.

crossing into the forbidden zone
For a second there, I had a dreadful sinking feeling that he was about to base his anti-Obama diatribe on “Stalker”.

we will not only find ourselves running in chaos amongst the freaks
There’s his problem right there. He misspelled ‘Choos’.

Given all this talk about civilizational collapse, now’s probably a good time to reread Gibbon.

Eh, Gibbon, Ape. Same difference.

I like the part about how he’s not only doing it, he’s “busy” doing it, and also working “with every ounce of his strength” to …er … Something Bad.

That reminds me, I need to stop off for an ounce of strength on the way home tonight.

Eh, Gibbon, Ape. Same difference.

Scientists have noted differing funk levels.

That reminds me, I need to stop off for an ounce of strength on the way home tonight.

I like to buy by the key. It lasts a little longer.

“That reminds me, I need to stop off for an ounce of strength on the way home tonight”

Veiled glory hole reference?

Ow! Quit throwing shoes, you guys!

So anyway, I want to thank you people for venturing into that cesspit so I don’t have to. From what I can gather, this dude appears to think the apes are the bad guys in the movies, when if I remember right, the bad guys were really present-day us?

Who among the non-lobotomized left in this country is not shouting aloud (or within), ‘It’s a mad house!’ I ask you now?

You’re about a year late for my shouting, Ibby.

Eh, Gibbon, Ape. Same difference.

Scientists have noted differing funk levels.

Brass monkey speaks his mind.

you didn’t set out to be racist, you still sure as shit need to come up with something non-monkey related if you’re going to rant about the first black president. If you choose not to, you’re dumb enough to deserve being branded a racist.

You are more charitable than I am. When the cartoon about the dead chimp appeared, I was inclined to believe that possibly it was not done with racist intent. There was, after all, a dead chimp, shot by police, in the news at the time. I can imagine some political cartoonist thinking, “Need to make my deadline. Maybe I can use the dead chimp somehow? Maybe something on the stimulus?…” Of course, that cartoonist (or his editor, or the typesetter, or somebody) ought to have realized what he had done and deleted the thing before submitting it, but I can believe the original image was not intended to be a dog-whistle.

This thing, though…As others have pointed out, there are a lot of SF dystopias that you have to go through before you get to the one where the apes are in charge. Especially if you are trying to claim the guy’s a Marxo-Commo-Fascist or whatever. In order to look past 1984 to see Planet of the Apes, you sort of have to be wearing your ape-coloured glasses to begin with.

Of course, the movie had its stereotypes exactly backward vis-a-vis the aggression of various primate species. Gorillas, the low-brow “war-mongers” of the ape-world, are actually the most pacifist and thoughtful members of the primate family. Chimpanzees, by contrast, are vicious fighters, and are documented committing terrible acts of murder, gang-assault and even organized war-like raids on neighboring colonies. I don’t know offhand whether orangutans are the “intellectuals” portrayed in PoTA, but I know that by far the most vicious and warlike primate, by far, is the human.

I don’t know offhand whether orangutans are the “intellectuals” portrayed in PoTA

Yup, in a word.

PLANET OF THE APES IS UNREALISTIC!

Put that in your lieberal pipe and smoke it, Hollywood!

Was it over when the Germans bombed Ape Harbor?

NO!

And it ain’t over now!

Was it over when the Germans Apes bombed Pearl Whitey Harbor?

NO!

And it ain’t over now!

Fixed.

Almost 50 comments and no one has screamed about maniacs blowing things?

Now you leave Mickey Kaus out of this.

You gotta watch a lot of TV to keep up with that illogic.

For today’s totally OT link, I give you schadenfreude.

If a man takes a wife and, after lying with her, dislikes her saying, ‘I married this woman, but when I approached her, I did not find proof of her virginity,’ …and no proof of the girl’s virginity can be found, she shall be brought to the door of her father’s house and there the men of the town shall stone her to death.

there the men of the town shall stone her to death

Can’t she just come with a money-back guaranty?

Monkey-back?

That’s it!

Ibby was watching “Monkey-Back Mountain” not PotA!

This fucker writes as if he’s had a serious head injury (no disrespect to anyone who’s suffered such an injury).

Maybe he can be one of the principal authors of the New and Improved Conservative Bible.

Dr. g, I thought it was just me. I can’t figure out what Mr. Teen South Carolina is saying.

From PeeJ’s link:
But they picked the wrong victims on this occasion after being floored by two cross-dressers who are believed to have been cage fighters on a night out.

It is hard to imagine a sentence containing much more condensed awesomeness.

Maybe if the cross-dressing cage fighters had been snowboarding out of an exploding helicopter, but that’s about it.

He’s bringing monkey back
and Charlton Heston don’t know how to act.

’cause he’s dead, you see.

C’mon and Do the Donkey Kong!!!!

If the country is, indeed, going to the apes, it had better be the bobobos.

Hooray, hooray, the first of May indeed!

It’s hideous and beautiful!

The Jeebus Presents the Constitution painting

If the country is, indeed, going to the apes, it had better be the bobobos.

Bob Owens and David Brooks?!?!?!?!?

NNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Or did you mean, bonobos?

The Jeebus Presents the Constitution painting

Oh man, that is just so wrong on so many levels.

We can start with the lack of black women…

Niles G:

True, but the video contains even more awesomeness. Starts out as yer typical depressing Saturday night tableau: shirtless drunken morons beating up on people. Then they start harassing some trannies, and BOOM! BOOM! TWO OF ‘EM, BEAT DOWN BY THE LADYBOYS! Then they go staggering off, clearly much worse off than before.

No audio, but I believe the line was, “Git ya stinkin’ paws offa me, ya damn durty chav!”

(How’s that for trying to get back on topic?)

The Red Badger of Courage said,

The Jeebus Presents the Constitution painting

Damn you RBoC! I was just about to post that link. I was delayed by the awesomeness of the zoom-in commentary.

You know what that painting needs? APES! Where’s Dr. Zaius in that scene? Huh?

We can start with the lack of black women…

You can just make out Harriet Tubman in the upper left corner, but – in what is undoubtedly a tribute to Rosa Parks – she has been relegated to the back of the bus, so to speak, along with Sequoyah, Frederick Douglas, and the black union soldier behind Giant Ben Franklin.

Citizen, I’d skipped the video the first time around, but you’re absolutely right, of course.

handy said,

C’mon and Do the Donkey Kong!!!!

Wait a second. I know that monkey. His name is Donkey

Monkeys aren’t donkeys. Quit messing with my head!

Donkeys make for lousy butlers. Also.

It’s hideous and beautiful!

The Jeebus Presents the Constitution painting

That is truly frightening.

If a man takes a wife and, after lying with her, dislikes her saying, ‘I married this woman, but when I approached her, I did not find proof of her virginity,’ …and no proof of the girl’s virginity can be found, she shall be brought to the door of her father’s house and there the men of the town shall stone her to death.

I suspect this passage will totally make the cut for the ConservaBible.

I originally thought that painting was just another piece of religious effluvia until I saw that the college student in the lower left is holding a copy of The Five Thousand Year Leap.

The Jeebus Presents the Constitution painting

I like how the (seemingly African American) college student in the lower left-hand corner is holding a copy of Cleon Skousen’s “The Five Thousand Year Leap.”

The words, they fail me.

Damn you, N.C. and your quick posting!

I originally thought that painting was just another piece of religious effluvia until I saw that the college student in the lower left is holding a copy of The Five Thousand Year Leap.

Hey, if it’s good enough for Glenn Beck, who are we to argue?

I may not be hip to the finer details of gettin’ down, but I think Adams may be in the midst of Doing the Donkey Kong, while to his left, Hamilton looks somewhat unnaturally pleased at the thought of tussling the smug, darwin-loving professor’s hair.

Or did you mean, bonobos?

Ignore the man behind the cretin… I can’t believe I typed that!

Dean Jonathan Gardner, aged 19, and Jason Andrew Fender, aged 22, were arrested following two separate incidents in The Kingsway which took place just moments apart in the early hours of August 30

I would have expected better from an academic!

Donkeys make for lousy butlers. Also

They dance well, until they are sexually assaulted by Dan Riehl.

Wow, there is an entire harvest o’wingnut in that painting. Notice how everyone behind Jesus on the left is looking at Jesus, but on the right, everyone is sneering or pleading or looking disappointed at Mr. Hollywood, Mr. Smug Professor, Ms. Liberal Media Reporter Lady, etc. (With Satan behind them all!)

Also, the decisions the Supreme Court Justice is mourning: they go all the way back to freaking Marbury vs. Madison in 1803. Apparently, God was blessing us for having all those founding fathers, Presidents, and generations of soldiers who were willing to work/fight/die for the country, and at the same time that the Supreme Court was steadily Satanificating it into hell on earth. Or something.

And then there’s Mr. Frightened Heathen Chinaman: he’s not bad, he just didn’t realize where America’s greatness came from!

Hi there. Long time listener, first time caller.

It’s hideous and beautiful!

The Jeebus Presents the Constitution painting

Okay, first question: what the hell are Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Jefferson, and Thomas “Age of Frickin’ Reason” Paine doing here?

Second question: why is Emperor Palpatine in this picture? (No, really. Stage left, just below Hamilton. The artist says it’s Satan. The artist is lying.)

Third and final: why, why, why did this guy have to use White Jesus? It’s not like we wouldn’t recognize him. The halo, nail marks, and royal robes should clue us in that this is the Son of God.

I originally thought that painting was just another piece of religious effluvia until I saw that the college student in the lower left is holding a copy of The Five Thousand Year Leap.

A Wonketteer said each of the little scraps of paper below the Judge have hyperlinks to Supreme Court cases Mr. McNaughton disagrees with.

Given what I can see of this crawling horror I truly cannot tell if that is snark or not.

why is Emperor Palpatine in this picture? (No, really. Stage left, just below Hamilton. The artist says it’s Satan. The artist is lying.

That’s not Palpatine. It’s Lucius Malfoy. Sheesh.

A former friend sent me a link to that painting today. I had to shove tampons in my eyes to stop the bleeding.

It’s hideous and beautiful!

I imagine it looks better on the original black velvet.

Also, WTF? Why no Elvis?

I had to shove tampons in my eyes to stop the bleeding.

ATTENTION DEMONIC HEATHEN: accept the lord and your eyes will drip apple pie.

Not to mention no poker-playing dogs.

I especially like the six evil people in the bottom right corner: The Supreme Court Justice crying in shame next to the pregnant woman, the politician on his cell phone, evil lie-brul teacher with his Darwin book, Mr Hollywood, and the sleazy lawyer counting his cash. What no Clenis?

Also, where’s George Soros and ACORN also?

won’t somebody think of the big-eyed children!

Well, it’s a good effort, but he’s no Thomas Kinkade.

Is it me, or does the School Teacher resemble a certain Quitta from Wasilla?

It’s just me, innit?

The Supreme Court Justice crying in shame

I second that facepalm. And I’m guessing that greedy lawyer/stock broker/banker guy is named something like Jewy Jewjew McJewish.

What no Clenis?

He’s underneath the nosy lady reporter’s skirt.

I also note a distinct absence of Joseph Smith and/or Brigham Young- they are probably in the full version which is still hidden from the Evangelical Protestant types.

Wait until they see the vault copy.

This is what it is all about. If it ever comes to light that Barry Obama called little Susie a poopyhead and pulled her hair in kindergarten, we are going to have to deal with another impeachment people.

http://www.wnd.com/index.php?fa=PAGE.view&pageId=112015
WND also has reported that among the documentation not yet available for Obama includes his kindergarten records, Punahou school records, Occidental College records, Columbia University records, Columbia thesis, Harvard Law School records, Harvard Law Review articles, scholarly articles from the University of Chicago, passport, medical records, files from his years as an Illinois state senator, his Illinois State Bar Association records, any baptism records and his adoption records.

That Mc Naughton site is not loading the full pict but I can only count about 5 blacks, all far in the back. There are a few people hanging their heads in shame and a guy holding a book but sadly I can’t tell what that’s all about.

It takes a powerful brand of sheer stupidity to believe the constitution was handed down to all us sinners by a tall Caucasian Jebus. Nice touch with the young boy at the forefront. They got a thing for young boys.

It’s just me, innit?

I thought so, too. when was this escrescence painted, anyway? I refuse to go back and look for that info.

That painting was compromised in reaching its full wingnut potential when a philandering Kennedy was included in it.

erm, that would be ‘excrescence’. also

I presume you’ve checked out the immigrant and his cowering before the might of the Christ.

I presume you’ve checked out the immigrant and his cowering before the might of the Christ.

Same thing happened to my dad when he got off the boat in 1951. Back then, every immigrant was personally welcomed ashore by a U.S. Constitution-holding Jeebus.

I hear that Jesus is a bad mother…

Somebody broke the internet?

Somebody fixed the internet?

Has anyone noticed the translucent Satan tucked behind the college professor and Mr. Hollywood.

The Jeebus Presents the Constitution painting 2.0

Captions now contain new snark features:

http://www.shortpacked.com/McNaughton%20Fine%20Art.htm

Davy Crockett???

“None-believer,” huh. I’m going to read that as a non-typo.

I have just optioned the rights for APE CHAOS VS. ZOMBOCALYPSE 2011!!!

Michael Bay is helming it, motherfuckers!! KA-CHING!! we’re gonna have a DOZEN writers!

Adam Baldwin!! Bruce Willis!! Melanie Griffith!! Chim-Chim the Bike Riding chimpanzee!! and Woody Harrelson!!

In addition to snark, the shortpacked.com version also has quotes from the usual suspects among the FFs–Jefferson, Madison, Franklin, Paine (or, as this idiot McNaughton calls him, “Thomas Payne“)–concerning what they really thought about this business of mixing up chrch and state.

What does he mean by “ill-conceived military weakness in foreign assemblies such as the United Nations.”?

I think he means that Obama should nuke the General Assembly.

As others have observed, Pastor Swank, look to your laurels. Mr. Ibbetson is “aping” your style.

Re: McNaughton painting.

FTW:

http://js-kit.com/blob/mPe8Np0hox_geDfBmf9Bi8.jpg

Hat tip for above link goes to comment section at Joe.My.God:

http://joemygod.blogspot.com/2009/10/jesus-wrote-constitution.html

I can see his jowls flapping as he reads this back to himself, satisfied that he’s given us all a good piece of his mind.

I fear his hate projector has fried his self-awareness capacitors.

Tulsa put up a surprisingly strong bid, but, as expected, the committee awarded the UN headquarters to Guantanamo Bay.

Newbie McNoob, those captions are priceless.

Returning to the apetty ape theme, I’m wondering why no-one has yet mentioned The Funky Gibbon. Surely a mid-70s dance tune from a British comedy trio is worth a mention?

[Stumbles off into corner, muttering “I used to love the Goodies, when Ah were a lass…”]

Alison,

Substance McG did, in fact, go there, horrible as it may be.

Are we sure he didn’t mean “This apery is going to the cunts”, because that makes more sense than what he wrote.

Then again, most anything that clearly references the oppressive deification of male-gaze hetero normative modes of synthesis in a semiotic blancmange of post-structural teakettle barbecue hatstand fishmonger makes more sense than what he wrote.

oppressive deification of male-gaze hetero normative modes of synthesis

Jeez, I wuz just lookin’, I didn’t tetch nuthin’.

Adam Baldwin!! Bruce Willis!! Melanie Griffith!! Chim-Chim the Bike Riding chimpanzee!! and Woody Harrelson!!

Sounds promising — but who’s going to play the humans?

what humans? We’ve got Zombies! And Monkeys!!

and Roddy McDowell as “Esther”

WOW and LMAO. You’re a douchebag and a half, sir (I say that admiringly just so we’re clear). Thanks for the laugh.

iz gotz sumpin ta saay. dem witeez dat sayy blak peepel b apez b rassist 4 sayin dat cuz dey b crakas an sheet. eyez be a curcumfized blak geneyis wif ay eyeq ov 226.00% soh iz knows whatt iz b talkin bout mafuka. al dem witeez b badd an dey discuminalatez agaen blaks cuz dey b razzict. kil witeez an blak powa!