A banner week for wingnuttery
I felt as though last week was something of a banner week for wingnuttery, between Dan Riehl’s suggestion that Bill Sparkman was a child predator, Erick Erickson’s threat to replace his police force with mercenaries and the whole Olympics freak out. Just when I think that the American right can’t possibly get any stupider, they do.
And this week they’re at it again. Check out Conservapedia’s new “Conservative Bible Project”:
As of 2009, there is no fully conservative translation of the Bible which satisfies the following ten guidelines:
1. Framework against Liberal Bias: providing a strong framework that enables a thought-for-thought translation without corruption by liberal bias
2. Not Emasculated: avoiding unisex, “gender inclusive” language, and other modern emasculation of Christianity
3. Not Dumbed Down: not dumbing down the reading level, or diluting the intellectual force and logic of Christianity; the NIV is written at only the 7th grade level[3]
4. Utilize Powerful Conservative Terms: using powerful new conservative terms as they develop;[4] defective translations use the word “comrade” three times as often as “volunteer”; similarly, updating words which have a change in meaning, such as “word”, “peace”, and “miracle”.
5. Combat Harmful Addiction: combating addiction by using modern terms for it, such as “gamble” rather than “cast lots”;[5] using modern political terms, such as “register” rather than “enroll” for the census
6. Accept the Logic of Hell: applying logic with its full force and effect, as in not denying or downplaying the very real existence of Hell or the Devil.
7. Express Free Market Parables; explaining the numerous economic parables with their full free-market meaning
8. Exclude Later-Inserted Liberal Passages: excluding the later-inserted liberal passages that are not authentic, such as the adulteress story
9. Credit Open-Mindedness of Disciples: crediting open-mindedness, often found in youngsters like the eyewitnesses Mark and John, the authors of two of the Gospels
10. Prefer Conciseness over Liberal Wordiness: preferring conciseness to the liberal style of high word-to-substance ratio; avoid compound negatives and unnecessary ambiguities; prefer concise, consistent use of the word “Lord” rather than “Jehovah” or “Yahweh” or “Lord God.”
I can’t decide what I like best about this — the fact that they think the Bible is an Ayn Rand-style ode to the glory of the free market or that they demand that the text not be dumbed down in guideline #3 while demanding that the text be dumbed down in guideline #10.
At any rate, I’ve got a piece over at AlterNet recapping the week that was in wingnuttery in case you missed any thing. Needless to say, Erickson’s brilliant plan to privatize his police force made the final cut:
Writing at the PeachPundit blog, Erickson said that he actually asked the city attorney about the possibility of dissolving the police department. The attorney replied that police unions in the state of Georgia cannot strike or collectively bargain, meaning that any union the police formed would be essentially worthless. This didn’t deter Erickson entirely, however, as he said he’d still rather “contract out to the sheriff’s office than see a union come in” because unions “breed inefficiency, corruption, and taint.”
Regardless of how this ultimately turns out, you have to seriously question the intelligence of a man who talks openly of canning his entire police department. It’s almost as if he’s begging to be pulled over and subjected to multiple anal cavity searches.
Please consider reading teh whole thing. Thx.
Dr. Tintin adds: The absolutely best part of this ConservaBible business is further down where the writer (presumably the redoubtable Andy Schlafly) claims that “Father forgive them for they know not what they do” is a liberal corruption of what Jesus actually said, which was, apparently, “Father, smite these sorry-assed motherfuckers with a lightning bolt because they know exactly what they are doing!”
As of 2009, there is no fully conservative translation of the Bible which satisfies the following ten guidelines:
1. Framework against Liberal Bias
There you have it, folks: God is a liberal.
“God is an American.”
– Jean-Pierre Ferland
7. Express Free Market Parables; explaining the numerous economic parables with their full free-market meaning
“Suffer the little children to come to me…so we may use them in our sweatshops making cheap religious chotchkes.”
They could simplify their conservative Bible project by jettisoning everything except Leviticus. Get away from Jesus’ diatribes against rich people and get back to misogyny and gay bashing!
4. Utilize Powerful Conservative Terms: using powerful new conservative terms as they develop;[4] defective translations use the word “comrade” three times as often as “volunteer”; similarly, updating words which have a change in meaning, such as “word”, “peace”, and “miracle”.
5. Combat Harmful Addiction: combating addiction by using modern terms for it, such as “gamble” rather than “cast lots”;[5] using modern political terms, such as “register” rather than “enroll” for the census
So…avoid “defective” translations by using only our choice of “defective” translations.
…I’m floored. There’s so much here to ridicule. It’s an embarrassment of riches.
I find the top-down theology the most risible: they have decided what the Bible says and are now going to “translate” the Bible to say exactly that. No discussion of which books will be cannon. Nothing about the apocryphal versus at the end of Mark. Nothing about trinitarianism. The whole set of standard theological debates centered around the text don’t even make the list.
This is why Christians love them some innocent Baby Jesus in a manger, and some crucified Jesus on a Stick–because in both tableaux, He is mute. He is either cooing happily as the bestest lil’ baby ever, or writhing in silent agony on the cross–either way, NOT. TALKING. It’s the stuff he was saying between, those 2 iconic times that caused the problems.
This is basically the logical conclusion of Andy Schlafly’s kooky “Bible Retranslation Project” which he canned a year or so back. This one’s more honest, anyway, since the purpose of the original project was to remove those dreaded “liberal” words. (And then someone came along who actually did want to do a retranslation of some of the older books, at which point Andy freaked out and ended it. Ah, memories)
Anyway, this stems from Andy’s weird quest to remove the famous “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone” segment from the Bible. Per Andy, it doesn’t belong there, because…shut up, that’s why. (I guess in the Conservative Bible, Jesus will join in on the stoning)
4. Utilize Powerful Conservative Terms: using powerful new conservative terms as they develop;[4] defective translations use the word “comrade” three times as often as “volunteer”; similarly, updating words which have a change in meaning, such as “word”, “peace”, and “miracle”.
‘Word’ itself has undergone a change in meaning. In powerful new conservative terms, ‘word’ is now ‘Cheetos’. Matter of fact, ‘peace’ and ‘miracle’ also have that same powerful new conservative term. This designation also satisfies #10.
I’m for it. I read a hippie bible once and it was very very funny: this’ll be as funny I’m sure.
I really should get to work on my Republican Bible. I could get so damn rich on it, but I wrote a chapter and just gave up. It’s so damn hard to keep the crazy flowing that hard…
This is some sort of prank. It’s not true. It’s like they read about Republican Jesus and decided he needed his own Bible. This is why satire of the wingnuts is so difficult. Today its a funny joke, tomorrow its their actual position. It was always their actual position. Shut up!
Avoid all pesky translation issues: produce the bible’s Mallard Fillmore Drawering Version.
And we were just wondering how they could get any stupider. Rewriting the bible to erase all the liberal bias in it. Well, we have our answer.
Anyway, this stems from Andy’s weird quest to remove the famous “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone” segment from the Bible. Per Andy, it doesn’t belong there, because…shut up, that’s why. (I guess in the Conservative Bible, Jesus will join in on the stoning)
Oh, link please. That sounds like the awesomest thing ever.
King James was a well known socialist. What with dismissing parliament when they wouldn’t give him money, trying to marry his son to a wealthy spanish woman and cracking down on catholics. What a bleeding heart.
6. Accept the Logic of Hell: applying logic with its full force and effect, as in not denying or downplaying the very real existence of Hell or the Devil.
I’ve fixated on this, for some reason. I’ve been hearing about hell and the devil from christians since I was a little miniature person. What gives?
For example, the conservative word “volunteer” is mentioned only once in the ESV
Since when is volunteer a conservative word?
Although I am looking forward to seeing the Conservative Samaritan story that was linked to around here somewhere recently in this new conservative Bible.
Oh, link please. That sounds like the awesomest thing ever.
Done.
In fact, RationalWiki has a huge section on Andrew Schlafly and Conservapedia. I heartily recommend it. Believe me, we only scratched the surface when that site was first opened.
Ya know, if they’re just going to ignore the actual text and come up with whatever the hell they want, wouldn’t it be easier for them to just create their own God and Baby Jesus Bible?
After all, John Smith turned a broken wagon* into an entire
cultreligion, replete with multiple wives and magic underwear.I’m sure these clowns could come up with their own “America is God’s Wet Dream” version, in which:
I could keep going, but I got work to do. I’m sure my fellow Sadlynaughts can come up with some more ideas …
(*There’s no other reason to think JC will come back in Independence, Mo. Trust me—I live here. The only thing that comes back here is meth.)
So… are those 10 guidelines written in stone?
So… are those 10 guidelines written in stone?
Andy: The Lord has given me these 15…[crash]…these 10 guidelines for you!
…and then a Samaritan passed by the man, and saw that he was grievously wounded, and would surely die, so the Samaritan said, “let us offer this man a tax cut so that he can afford a high-deductible catastrophic care policy, combined with a tax-advantaged health savings account to defray his expenses. Furthermore, let us mandate that all must purchase such policies from the insurance companies, so that they may increase their wealth, and raise rates for all policyholders, lest the increased burden of covering unfortunate wretches like this one before me who…appears to be dead…(kicks body to be sure)…yup, dead! Oh, well, he would only have been a burden to his insurance provider anyway, and would have caused my rates to go up too.”
Fear, greed, and spite, same as always.
After all, John Smith turned a broken wagon* into an entire cult religion, replete with multiple wives and magic underwear.
If only he knew about thongs…
I got to the point in this where Assfly indicated his intent to remove the word ‘peace’ from the Bible, because its modern meaning implies an absence of war, and pacifism is un-Christian…. ye gods. Next time someone tells me about the Devil quoting Scripture to his purpose, I’ll just point him to this project as an example…
Since when is volunteer a conservative word?
Oh, since always. Conservatives looove volunteers, as long as they themselves don’t actually have to volunteer for anything. But they’re super-keen on getting gullible/vulnerable people to work for free — voluntarism is the ultimate tool for cheap-labour conservatives, especially since they can then rook their marks by insisting that working for their sorry asses for free makes you virtuous and morally superior.
Having grown up in a Republicanoid town and watched event after event where the already-rich organisers would award themselves plum paid sinecures and then shovel all the actual shitwork off onto poor people and whoever else they could con into working their asses off for a free t-shirt and two slices of pizza at the after-party, I now absolutely despise the concept of voluntarism generally. Either pay me at least minimum wage, or piss off.
Conservative Jesus loves volunteers; he likes to straw-boss and not actually have to disburse any shekels at the end of the day, and then tell his workers there’ll be pie in the sky, by and by.
Conservatives seem to think contemporary America’s political dichotomy applies to the politics of a region around the world and two thousand years ago (and more!). It’s like they can’t conceive of the world in any other way, so they imagine dirty Democrats hanging Jesus on a cross and then rewriting the Bible to make him look like an Obama voter.
Personally, I think actual ancient Hebrew and Greek scholars have better things to do with their time. If this project (assuming it isn’t a troll) actually produces anything, it’ll consist of a bunch of ignorant monolingual Republicans looking up words in a Hebrew dictionary and tweaking the KJV to be more “accurate.”
How do they propose to resolve the bible’s veiled penis references?
Also, I ran across this in a comments area of a blog, cannot remember which, but I thought you all might like the sentiment. Perhaps even one of you came up with it.
Erickson has more than one anal cavity?
Well, it figures.
Andrew Schafly’s essay on the “Adulteress Story”.
Apparently including “If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her” in the Bible is a liberal plot involving time-travel.
Hey, it looks like the cadre of nuts have already started. Behold, the Conservative Gospel of Mark. Have at it.
Rumor is that a lot of parodists were involved in this, so if something screams Poe, that might be why.
Aren’t they calling the Bible a liar in guideline #8? So they think that the Bible is not, in fact, the handed-down word of god and think that they can improve upon the word of god? And they think god will be hunky-dory with all of this?
Posting from iPhone so cut-paste sux, what was that about “eye witnesses?” Eye witnesses to what? That’s not just “retranslation” that’s inventing a whole different history. Well they are tru conservatives after all.
its modern meaning implies an absence of war, and pacifism is un-Christian
In fairness, he probably thinks “turn the other cheek” is a slam at David Vitter.
They should just make it easy on themselves and get rid of the gospels entirely. In fact, get rid of most of the New Testament, except for some of Saul of Tarsus’s more nasty diatribes and Revelations. They can hire Feckless Glenn to re-write Revelations to more aptly reflect whatever it is he’s doing, but I’m sure that the 7 horses of the apocalypse and all that retirbution, hellfire and damnation can be rewritten to fit into his shitfit du jour.
Make Leviticus the first and foremost book of the New Contarded Alt-Bible, add pop-ups & crayon drawings esp about dinosaurs roaming with revised Baby Jeebus, and voila: good to go!
I don’t know why they’re going to all that effort. A Conservative Bible just needs to have a thick sturdy cover selected for its acoustic properties, so as to provide a nice loud satisfying sound when thumped. The interior pages can be blank, as the book will never be opened anyways.
There is a particularly virulent strain of fundamentalists that believe that the KJV and only the KJV is the real deal.
excluding the later-inserted liberal passages
Like the New Testament?
Anyways, whatever they do they need to manlify Jebus – he always seems pretty ghey in the Bible, at least make him interested in cheerleaders or something.
he always seems pretty ghey in the Bible, at least make him interested in cheerleaders or something
I strenuously object to your characterization! Jesus was a manly man…look, he got a hooker to spend time 24/7 with him and HE DIDN’T PAY HER A DIME!
Major Kong said,
October 5, 2009 at 16:59
There is a particularly virulent strain of fundamentalists that believe that the KJV and only the KJV is the real deal.
FOLLOW THE GOURD!
FOLLOW THE SHOE!
later-inserted liberal passages that are not authentic, such as the adulteress story
I’d love to know what the definition of a “liberal” was at the time that story was written. Someone who thought the peasants deserved more bread?
Well, if Elizabethan English was good enough for Jesus, it’s good enough for me.
A Conservative Bible just needs to have a thick sturdy cover
It just needs its audio-book: Ask anything, and the
narratorvoices in your headCreator tells you what you want toknowhear.They could just start from scratch you know. Take Palin’s new book, and staple it to a copy of Atlas Shrugs. Then incase that is still too coherent, babelfish it all into hebrew, then greek, latin, and back to American.
at least make him interested in cheerleaders or something
That’s why Carrie Prejean‘s posing for the Conservative Bible’s centerfold.
A Conservative Bible just needs to have a thick sturdy cover
And advertising. Specifically for male enhancement pills.
In the beginning, God created the Cheeto and the Funyun, and it was good….
Um, isn’t some non-insignificant number of fundies going to hear about this and, I don’t know, immediately start planning suicide bombings or something? What with the (KJV) Bible being the Untouchable Sanctified Word of God Forever and Ever Amen?
I cannot imagine that everyone in the More Godly Than Thou community is going to take this well.
Wait, Conservapedia is for real? I always thought it was a joke, like some anti-conservative trolling or something.
From the Conservative Bible: Book of Wolverines…
Danny: They were people!
Robert: Yeah, well, so was my dad.
Aardvark: What was it like?
Robert: It was good.
he got a hooker to spend time 24/7 with him and HE DIDN’T PAY HER A DIME!
Maybe she felt sorry for him because he couldn’t get it up.
Still, it’s not the hooker thing that screams ghey, the last supper is like the most homo-erotic episode ever in the history of religion.
“In the beginning, God created the Cheeto and the Funyun, and it was good….”
Good? It was delicious!
My favorite part of this entire farce is that they’re en route to destroying the one thing they’ve “got,” which is the poetry of the King James Version. It’s the antique locutions and unfamiliar constructions that make the Bible seem not of this world, and therefore divinely inspired. People who think Shakespeare is a guy who makes fishing rods read all those “Ands” and “for, verily’s” and nod in awe.
And these small-minded dickheads want to destroy it. Wolverines indeed.
the last supper is like the most homo-erotic episode ever in the history of religion.
And why? Because he shared with twelve other men his bod–
Oh.
But wait. Don’t they have to add a section about the dinosaurs that Jeebus rode hither and yon? That would help get rid of all the icky science and stuff.
And! I look forward to the bible-burnings to purge all of the unclean copies from their midst. Full-circle wingnut into the singularity. What would Jeebus do?
And, speaking of burning, a section on witches would probably be helpful to the cause. I mean, if they really want to get Old School and all.
Shorter wingnuts: Jesus was too liberal. Get me rewrite!
It’s Joseph Smith that started teh Mormons. John Smith starred in teh FEVER with Pocahontas.
With fundamentalists, the political precedes the spiritual. Cultural conservatism isn’t caused by some arcane reading of the Bible, but itself motivates Biblical interpretation supporting pre-existing authoritarian proclivities.
John Smith starred in teh FEVER with Pocahontas.
Don’t anyone give your right name, no, no, no.
Every “family values” politician from the Bible Belt should be asked on camera if they support this. Start with the elected officials.
Doomed at conception
Their whole plan of a ConservaBible is doomed by their very first guideline. A “thought-for-thought” translation, you see, would require that their be thought on this side of the translation, and that’s where we run straight into a brick wall.
The unrepentant sinner Ayn Rand is currently and for all eternity suffering the torments of Hell.
Every “family values” politician from the Bible Belt should be asked on camera if they support this. Start with the elected officials.
I’d pay to watch some of the editorial meetings on what is included/excluded or edited. At least until my head asploded from moron particle exposure.
And get a load of Mark 2:3-8:
http://tinyurl.com/ycrudn6
They translate “scribes” as “intellectual types.”
These petty, lying, small-minded, deeply stupid people, culturally speaking, are the scum of the earth.
They should also get on the Nicene Creed. I’ve done the first line for them already:
I believe in one market, free and unfettered, of hands both visible and invisible.
A chapter of St. Ronnie would probably be a good idea, methinks.
And a passage that goes something like this: “Blessed is he who emerges from the Holy Cage Match victorious. He shall be known for his Righteousness and the Holy Chair of Head Smashing shall be remembered each time we shall sit.”
Are they going to change Leviticus to say, “eat all the bacon you want, wear that wool/cotton blend, slavery is bad, but keep on stoning the queers?”
They can’t say slavery is bad. That would be interfering with the free market, which they’ve somehow decided is the entire point of Christianity.
Check it out: the new Conservative translation changes Pharisees to intellectuals: http://conservapedia.com/Gospel_of_Mark_(Translated), chapter 3, verse 2. Smartypants intelleckshuls killed Jesus!
Check it out: the new Conservative translation changes Pharisees to intellectuals
I guess they couldn’t call them “The Jews” without jeopardizing the 2012 campaign financing.
I think they should refer to them as hairy, scimitar-nosed kikes. It would just prove how anti-Semitic the Democrat Party is in a way I’ll make up later.
Say what you will about Islam, but this kind of shit would never fly there – there’s exactly one version of the Koran, and it’s in the Arabic and exactly as Mohammed composed it. Changing a word of it would be deeply blasphemous. Of course, that doesn’t prevent interpretations to suit particular goals and the fabrication of Hadiths to support them, but at least nobody ever tries to screw with the source text.
I can’t wait to see what they do with the camel through the eye of a needle bit.
11. Get the ATM and Bukakke parables back into Genesis.
WOW. maybe the conservative bible project will just exclude the gospels all together. it’s not like they read ’em anyway. also, since when do conservatives value “open-mindedness”?
are we sure this isn’t just a joke?
The Conservapedia “conservative” “translation” is so pathetic it has Tchaikovsky’s 6th coming out of its metaphorical ears.
Thomas Bowdler is spinning in his grave.
Wait, Conservapedia is for real? I always thought it was a joke, like some anti-conservative trolling or something.
I honestly still can’t tell one way or another. Conservapedia is the most sustained ongoing proof of Poe’s Law evar.
But the early obsession on Conservapedia’s part with “gay bowel syndrome” does make it seem authentic.
Yea, it is easier for Mickey Kaus to pass through a camel than for a poor man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven.
I can’t wait to see what they do with the camel through the eye of a needle bit.
They’ll change it. It will be something to do with a brontosaurus in the new version. Two birds, one stone and all that.
Every “family values” politician from the Bible Belt should be asked on camera if they support this. Start with the elected officials.
Until that time comes, Kingubu, maybe this will help.
Idn’t this what’s otherwise known as a schism?
Think they even realize that?
At the opening of market, God produced both the heavens and America,
America was shiftless and without outlet for productive enterprise, darkness was over the face of world and the Patriotic Spirit of God hovered over the waters.
And God saw the demand for light and the invisible hand of the market brought light forth in a manner much more efficiently and with less waste than government would have done it.
Waitaminute, I think I understand, they want to deregulate the Bible.
It all makes sense now.
Idn’t this what’s otherwise known as a schism?
A purge by any other name…
Stephen,
Personally, I think actual ancient Hebrew and Greek scholars have better things to do with their time.
Yes we do.
a bunch of ignorant monolingual Republicans looking up words in a Hebrew dictionary and tweaking the KJV to be more “accurate.”
Bullseye. Here, take this new shiny internet, it’s yours, you deserve it.
Utilize Powerful Conservative Terms
How about The Gospel according to Chuck Norris?
I have spoken to God (it was in one of the recent mega-crossovers, in a one-shot that may not have reached most comics stores) recently, and boy oh boy is She pissed at these assholes.
Also:
“God is an American.”
– David Bowie
FTFY.
You know who else put out his own version of the bible?
THOMAS JEFFERSON, THAT’S WHO!
So why did they throw a hissy-fit about Salman Rushdie, then?
And if you don’t understand that question, go read the Satanic Verses.
On another note, when I read the opening grafs of this, all I could hear was Eric Cartman shrieking “Respeck My Argument from Authoritah!”
This particular Conservative hissy-fit just goes to show that people see in the Bible whatever they find convenient, and that it’s the Word of whoever’s talking at the moment.
phleabo,
there’s exactly one version of the Koran
Actually, there are at least seven.
and it’s in the Arabic
And Arabic and its history being what it is, hundred years after Muhammad’s death, people had serious trouble understanding it. Hence volume upon volume of commentary and explanation.
I can’t wait to see what they do with the camel through the eye of a needle bit.
They’re waaaaay ahead of ya.
My fave part is actually this:
The committee in charge of updating the bestselling version, the NIV, is dominated by professors and higher-educated participants
Curse those goddamned liberals and their fancy book-learnin!
Maybe if these dumbasses had a college education, they’d know that “translation” doesn’t mean “replacing words we don’t like.”
Following up on Bulbul, the Koran is subject to editing.
This one’s even better: The Epistle to Philemon. I guess I was unaware that “laborer” was a socialist term, or that the New Testament was so bellicose that “peace” didn’t actually mean peace.
at least they could put more zombies in it. I mean, there’s a couple, but you really need a horde to sell with Today’s Yoot.
The hippy-dippy Bible – yclept “Good News!” if I recall correctly – was a comedy goldmine … a veritable theological whoopee-cushion …& this, too, shall come to pass gas.
IM IN YR CANONZ, BLASPHEMING YR DEITY
Socialistic terminology permeates English translations of the Bible, without justification. This improperly encourages the “social justice” movement among Christians.
From the entry at Conservapedia. That kinda lays it out there, doesn’t it?
This one is great:
“And Jesus rebuked him, saying, Hold thy peace, and come out of him.”
to:
“Jesus then rebuked the evil spirit, “Shut up and depart from him.””
And then Jesus was like, “Screw you evil spirit! Eat shit!”.
Three American scientists share Nobel Prize, including two lady scientists.
John Derbyshire is throwing a fit.
Weekly Standard to protest award.
~
Substance,
naskh is an exegetical thing, so it has to do with interpretation, not editing.
The lack of even the slightest awareness of consequences in their thinking is just precious, don’t you think? It’s like a five-year-old saying something like, “we should just make all the bad guys go live on Mars!” Adorable!
Of course, if you set out to “re-translate” the Bible, to say nothing of “correcting” what you see as “liberal misinterpretations”, etc., you might just have a few (million) people on your side screaming bloody heresy and murder! Did you really think they were just going to look at your little crayon-smeared Magnum Opus and declare it to be the Final Word of Biblical scholarship?
It’s like John Perry’s little “military overthrow” fantasy on NewsMax last week. He assumes the whole thing would be a bloodless “civil” coup, and that the very next day, the whole country would just return to business as usual after the democratically elected president has been overthrown. What could possibly go wrong with such a plan? How about the rest of the world getting spooked and yanking every last dime of foreign investment in the US withing one day, for starters?
11. Get the ATM and Bukakke parables back into Genesis.
If it means Phil Collins won’t sing anymore, I’m for it.
When lines are added or removed from text I feel pretty comfortable with characterizing it as editing.
For the record, here’s the main page for their little project. Despite how it looks, there’s not much here yet. Sadly, there’s no movement on the two I really want to see: Psalms (because it’s beautifully poetic and I can’t imagine what these artless fucksticks are going to do to it) and Acts (because it’s the most overtly socialistic book in the Bible and nothing short of removing content will change that).
This is clearly going to be a treasure trove of hilarity. Maybe we could start a project of our own: monitoring this thing for activity so that it can be easily mocked. Maybe even adopting the satirist’s robe (to employ that liberal wordiness that Schlafly despises so much) and pushing it along. Thoughts?
***palm >>>>> forehead***
Not sure why the hell I always get those two mixed up—guess those early-American white guys all blend together at some point. Either that, or I shoulda paid more attention
to the Disney channelin history classThis is another piece of evidence for my theory that conservatives don’t worship Jesus, but Mammon.
If the whole Revelations/Tribulations BS is true, I’d wager on the antichrist being a conservative American president. I mean, who else could sway the majority of Christian to his side through honeyed lies? If the Antichrist was a liberal, the majority of Christians would see right through him.
Aren’t they going to have to rename our Savior?
I can’t imagine that he’s supposed to have a Mexican name.
~
Oh boy, that Epistle to Philemon is really something:
“your spirit” is anachronistic today.
So I guess people have no spirits anymore. The idiots don’t know the difference between “anachronism” and “archaism”.
“Despite how it looks, there’s not much here yet.”
Look again. None of the O.T. is there but most of the N.T. is (one exception being, alas, Revelation. Can’t wait to see how they improve that.)
All the books in blue are “translated.” Which means, “falsified to conform to the conservative ideology of a group of mediocrities and hacks, AND stripped of every literary and linguistic quality that makes them memorable and worth reading.”
This is genius. We couldn’t have come up with a better way of alienating the Christian right masses if we’d tried.
Can’t we slip these guys a couple of bucks? They’re doing our work for us.
This is clearly going to be a treasure trove of hilarity. Maybe we could start a project of our own: monitoring this thing for activity so that it can be easily mocked.
Not wishing to diss the idea, but the whole monitoring “project” thingie reeks of hard work and stuff. Also, this will be like monitoring Nascar crowds for assholes. Basically, it’s going to be there and we can poke fun at the morans as and when we please.
Unless you take the original text and ideas and transform them as best you can into modern English WITHOUT purposefully distorting it to fit preconceptions of what it SHOULD say, “translate” is not the word you’re looking for, nutbars. In fact, according to many of your fellow Conservatives, it would be better called “sacrilege” or “blasphemy.”
Accept the Logic of Hell: applying logic with its full force and effect, as in not denying or downplaying the very real existence of Hell or the Devil.
LOL. This reasoning is so circular, I got dizzy just reading it. They’re positive the devil is real because it says so in the Bible. How do they know it says this? Because they insist on translating it that way. Ooookaaay.
Man, as we all know, reality has a liberal bias, so they have to create their own.
Also, re: the discussion of the Koran. There was no “original” Koran. It was an oral revelation disseminated among Mohammed’s earliest followers and was written down in bits and pieces by early Muslims. Tradition states that the caliph Uthman (579-656) had all these partial or inaccurate versions destroyed and produced a single definitive text that has come down as the “official” Koran — for which efforts he might have been assassinated.
The Ten Commandments of Financial Success
Principles of Temple Money-Lending
Do Not As The Pharisees Do… Unless You Want to Succeed
Liberal Wordliness: Their Shit’s Fucked Up and they Talk All Retarded, by Glenn Beck (foreword by YHWH (as told to Ted Nugent) )
Loaves, Fishes, Maybe a Nice Knish: New Jewish Cuisine
40 days and a mule: How to cultivate disciples, and get your message across while working for yourself
Take, eat, this could be your body: The New Testament Secret to Getting Thin
Substance,
When lines are added or removed from text I feel pretty comfortable with characterizing it as editing.
With all due respect, you misunderstand what’s going on. The text of the Quran is sacred, no Muslim, let alone a mainstream theologian, would add or remove anything from it. Now when one speaks of “removal” or “replacement”, it’s in the context of validity as a commandment or law. No actual removal or addition of text into actual copies of the Quran is involved.
The removal of verses under nas? al-?ukm wa-‘l-til?wa was done back when there were multiple conflicting traditions and resulting multiple versions of the Quran around. This ended with the compilation of the canonical text under U?m?n, though theologians – as is their want – kept arguing about for centuries to come.
Seriously, WP? No Unicode for me? Fuuuuuck you.
“I am distressed for you, my brother Jonathan; greatly beloved were you to me IN A TOTALLY NON-GAY WAY, your love to me was wonderful, passing the love of women NOT THAT WE EVER HAD SEX OR ANYTHING ICKY LIKE THAT BECAUSE THAT’S JUST WRONG.”
Aren’t they going to have to rename our Savior?
I can’t imagine that he’s supposed to have a Mexican name.
He was, I’m sure named something manly: Brad, Lexx, Spartonious, Low Hung, Long Dong, etc., etc.
Look again. None of the O.T. is there but most of the N.T. is (one exception being, alas, Revelation. Can’t wait to see how they improve that.)
If you actually click on the links, you’ll see that none of them (Except the extremely short Philemon) are finished, and some are just placeholders.
It was here:
That’s the point. Part of the removal was to make things consistent. That’s editing.
Slightly OT, but still on the topic of Conservapedia: In the infamous “liberal deceit” article, one of the editors alleges that national health care causes terrorism. His source for this is . . . *sigh* Fox News. How’d I miss this one? It’s over two years old…
He was, I’m sure named something manly: Brad, Lexx, Spartonious, Low Hung, Long Dong, etc., etc.
Reagan.
~
Aren’t they going to have to rename our Savior?
I can’t imagine that he’s supposed to have a Mexican name.
Chuck. He shall be known as Chuck.
Herod Reid sentenced Jesus to death.
They ought to just go with a collection of Republican Jesus comix. Same thing. . .
Substance,
Absolutely. But you said:
It’s not. It was as some point, like most/all holy writs, but it’s not anymore.
OT: The Original Pantload bloviating now on NPR.
I hate to do this, but as stupid as contracting out to the sheriff’s office would be, it’s not the same thing as using mercenaries. Accuracy in snarkage, plz.
I really like this:
“…not dumbing down the reading level, or diluting the intellectual force and logic of Christianity.”
You can like it, or even love it, but leave logic out of it.
I think the term you’re looking for is enforcer. See also, thug, n.
including two lady scientists.
STONE THEM!!!!!!!
Substance,
<i>When lines are added or removed from text I feel pretty comfortable with characterizing it as editing.</i>
With all due respect, you misunderstand what’s going on. The text of the Quran is sacred, no Muslim, let alone a mainstream theologian, would add or remove anything from it. Now when one speaks of “removal” or “replacement”, it’s in the context of validity as a commandment or law. No actual removal or addition of text into actual copies of the Quran is involved.
The removal of verses under nas? al-?ukm wa-‘l-til?wa was done back when there were multiple conflicting traditions and resulting multiple versions of the Quran around. This ended with the compilation of the canonical text under U?m?n, though theologians – as is their want – kept arguing about for centuries to come.
Naskh is exceedingly unlikely, that’s for sure. But who stops people from having differing scriptures or altering the text outside Muslim countries with blasphemy laws? There’ll be another version along at some point: it’s what people do.
How could somebody be pro-teabagging but anti-taint?
WTF, Djur? Having a bad day? No hyperbole allowed? One could also make the claim that once the sherrufff contracts out, they become de facto mercenaries.
7. Express Free Market Parables; explaining the numerous economic parables with their full free-market meaning
I like the parable where everybody comes to work at different times and then they all get paid the same.
Who enjoys a good Andrew Sullivan penthouse letter?
http://wonkette.com/411443/one-time-andrew-sullivan-boned-some-dude-for-like-12-hours
OT: The Original Pantload bloviating now on NPR.
So much for my letter to the ombudsman.
One could also make the claim that once the sherrufff contracts out, they become de facto mercenaries.
Plus, the sherriff deputies are union represented, so what exactly is he avoiding….?
10. Prefer Conciseness over Liberal Wordiness:
Lot went outside to meet them and shut the door behind him and said, “No, my friends. Don’t do this wicked thing. Look, I have two daughters who have never slept with a man. Let me bring them out to you, and you can do what you like with them. But don’t do anything to these men, for they have come under the protection of my roof.”
….
One day the older daughter said to the younger, “Our father is old, and there is no man around here to lie with us, as is the custom all over the earth. Let’s get our father to drink wine and then lie with him and preserve our family line through our father.” That night they got their father to drink wine, and the older daughter went in and lay with him. He was not aware of it when she lay down or when she got up. The next day the older daughter said to the younger, “Last night I lay with my father. Let’s get him to drink wine again tonight, and you go in and lie with him so we can preserve our family line through our father.”
Plz concise-ify.
kthxbai
“As of 2009, there is no fully conservative translation of the Bible”
I thought that was “Mein Kampf”?
This one had me puzzled. It’s been a long time since I read (Elaine Pagel?) a good “History of Hell” but I seem to recall that the modern Xian take is what evolved after many centuries of Papish stewardship. Anyway, I suspect they enjoy having someone to blame when needed. The Devil made me do it!
One day the older daughter said to the younger, “Our father is old, and there is no man around here to lie with us, as is the custom all over the earth. Let’s get our father to drink wine and then lie with him and preserve our family line through our father.” That night they got their father to drink wine, and the older daughter went in and lay with him. He was not aware of it when she lay down or when she got up. The next day the older daughter said to the younger, “Last night I lay with my father. Let’s get him to drink wine again tonight, and you go in and lie with him so we can preserve our family line through our father.”
“Get the old man sloshed and he’ll knock you up big time!”
🙁 tag close fail.
I have no idea why Soros wants to rule Philadelphia.
Blessed are the corpsemakers
Lot went outside to meet them and shut the door behind him and said, “No, my friends. Don’t do this wicked thing. Look, I have two daughters who have never slept with a man. Let me bring them out to you, and you can do what you like with them. But don’t do anything to these men, for they have come under the protection of my roof.”
Plz concise-ify.
Buttseks is TOO ICKY! Fuck my virgin daughters instead.
One day the older daughter said to the younger, “Our father is old, and there is no man around here to lie with us, as is the custom all over the earth. Let’s get our father to drink wine and then lie with him and preserve our family line through our father.” That night they got their father to drink wine, and the older daughter went in and lay with him. He was not aware of it when she lay down or when she got up. The next day the older daughter said to the younger, “Last night I lay with my father. Let’s get him to drink wine again tonight, and you go in and lie with him so we can preserve our family line through our father.”
Plz concise-ify.
It’s okay to fuck your daughter as long as you pretend to be drunk.
Lot went outside to meet them and shut the door behind him and said, “No, my friends. Don’t do this wicked thing. Look, I have two daughters who have never slept with a man. Let me bring them out to you, and you can do what you like with them. But don’t do anything to these men, for they have come under the protection of my roof.”
“NO POOFTERS.”
Plz concise-ify.
Your daughter. Does she go?
It was Alice K. Turner, PeeJ. Otherwise, spot on.
“A very small camel could easily pass through the eye of a needle; therefore, it should be quite simple for a rich man to enter the Kindom of Heaven”
In re Leviticus: What will the conservatives do about all the “don’t charge interest”, “Sabbatical year” and “Jubilee year” stuff? Leviticus puts some serious dampers on the free market …
Also Leviticus mandates payment/feeding of Priests who happen to be significantly involved in providing medical care. I somehow doubt that conservatives would be in favor of a tax (and set fees for services) to support what is effectively socialized medicine.
We all know that the Whore of Babylon is Nancy Pelosi, but will Obama make Antichrist?
It was Alice K. Turner, PeeJ.
Yes, of course, thank you. I may have been thinking of The Origin of Satan by Pagels. Also a great read.
D Johnston–
Whoops. My mistake. It makes sense, though. It is unimagineable that they’d have been able to revise most of the New Testament without our learning about it long before it was finished.
Which, of course, it never will be. They’ll get bored and distracted by some other conserva-masturbo-project and the poor old Conservative Bible will drift out into deep space, one more piece of abandoned wingnut detritis.
Not to mention the prohibition of gleaning the fields, leaving some vineyard corners for the poor and so on. That fucking socialest Leviticus!
Jesus H. Christ!
It is pathetic that an atheistic godless commie fag like myself appears to know more about the Bible than these knuckle draggers (h/t Alan Grayson).
The reason, Schlafly, that that quote in Luke isn’t in any of the other gospels is because each of the different gospel writers used different sources. If you had taken any sort of New Testament class, you would know this.
I predict this is an opening gambit in the Council of Wingnuttia, in which they convoke a gathering of illiterate haters to edit all the offensive (i.e. empathetic) stuff out of the Bible, or any of those anti-free market passages that command you to take care of the meek and other fucking losers.
This will end with the Bible distilled down to just the Gospel of Mark, Deuteronomy, Leviticus, the “vengeful God” parts of the old testament, any passages that talk about stoning teh gheys and subjugating women and, of course, the Apocalypse of St. John (aka Revelation).
Luke and Isaiah are right out since they are commie losers who spend too much time whining about the poor and “justice.”
I like changing “not put on two coats” (Mark 6:9) to “practical clothes” with the comment “A comfortable but nice garment would seem to be fine with the text.” I’m imagining a line of tastefully-understated disciple-wear.
The only reference to the original text I see on that page is a rebuke: On Mark 6:22, “??????? is typically translated simply as “girl” or “damsel”,[4] but we use the term “temptress” to convey the context better.[5] The Greek language may have been inadequate to convey the immoral overtones.”
I like changing “not put on two coats” (Mark 6:9) to “practical clothes” with the comment “A comfortable but nice garment would seem to be fine with the text.” I’m imagining a line of tastefully-understated disciple-wear.
So Tim Gunn works in Conservapedia? FABULOUS!
“The Logic of Hell” Hmmmm. OK, I’ll take a crack at it:
There’s this place, see? and it’s all, like subterannean. only it’s not really really in the middle of the Earth (although it might be), except it’s big enough to hold, like, an infinite number of souls. And everybody who’s ever gone there is still there, burning and screaming and being tortured for all eternity. No matter how bad you can imagine, the actual, true, for-real torments of the damned in Hell are, like, infinity times worse, and it never ends, never lets up, and there is no hope that the pain will ever end, ever, for like the life of the Universe, and God will send you there for ever and ever if you ever do anything bad, or even think bad thoughts, or even if you never do anything bad, but don’t believe in him, and worship him the way you’re supposed to…because he loves you!
The world’s gonna end soon, so it only has to hold X billion souls.
I wonder if Doug Giles is going to get involved in this. Seems right up his alley.
“The Greek language may have been inadequate to convey the immoral overtones.”
Wait, someone seriously wrote that? Yeah, Greek was such a naive language as the speakers were unconcerned with matters of morality or, even, philosophy.
Wait, someone seriously wrote that? Yeah, Greek was such a naive language as the speakers were unconcerned with matters of morality or, even, philosophy.
You’d think the Reich-wingers would be more understanding of the Ancient Greeks: they too liked to discourse on the morality of others, all whilst fucking young boys.
If you actually dive into completed parts of the Conservative Bible you will find much hilarity.
For example, “Pharisees” has been changed to “intellectuals”.
The Greek language may have been inadequate to convey the immoral overtones.
He was trying to write what I want him to have written but he didn’t have the word for it yet.
Worst. Translator. Ever.
sheep on the right, goats on the left…
“Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’
“Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’
“The King will reply,
‘I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.‘ ‘That’s right. Fuck those losers. Salvation’s for closers only.’For example, “Pharisees” has been changed to “intellectuals”. – Eldos
Actually the Pharisees were liberal intellectual types. The Pharisees were, in many ways, the Democratic party of their day. Compare what Jesus has to say about the Pharisees with what your typical Nadarite type has to say about the Democratic party or for that matter what Commies had to say about “liberals”.
Of course, since what we have of Jesus’ critique of the Pharisees comes from Matthew who was writing at a time when Rabbinic Judaism (the successor movement to Pharisaic Judaism) and the nascent religion of Christianity were in tough competition to be the successor religion to the Temple Cult left inoperative by the destruction of the Temple, we have to really take what Jesus “said” about Pharisees with a grain of salt anyway.
But Pharisees were hardly the selfless bastards they are made out to be in the popular imagination. Here the conservative Bible types are right — “intellectuals” is a fair translation. Of course, when you translate it that way, you come to see that Jesus starts sounding an awful lot like a Commie.
Oops … “selfless” should read “selfish” in my above standard-issue rant about misconstruing the Pharisees.
Stryx said: “The King will reply, ‘I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.‘ ‘That’s right. Fuck those losers. Salvation’s for closers only.’
Made of win
That’s the thing. The tenth item is the unappreciated gem here; it believes it’s being clever and modern in turfing out all the confusing, faggishly liberal extraneous terminology for Baby Jesus, and is completely unaware that the English synonyms calque Hebrew and Greek ones directly – and that each represents a fundamentally different outlook on the nature of God. The Bible, like most reasonably faithful translations, doesn’t obey English’s squeamishness about nominative repetition very strongly.
The Bible having been written by an editorial committee of Moses and Jesus, of course, that is impossible. Must be liberals’ fault.
Mind you, it’s hilarious that he understands just enough of textualism to know that there’s a later addition to the adulteress story, but not enough to get that a summarizing maxim inserted into the text doesn’t make it eligible for redaction ‘cuz it offends you. But it really is no match for how proud the author is of taking the earliest and most fundamental elements of textualism out of the English translation of the Bible. If plain English is good enough for Jesus, thinks Schlafly, it’s good enough for us.
and that each represents a fundamentally different outlook on the nature of God. The Bible, like most reasonably faithful translations, doesn’t obey English’s squeamishness about nominative repetition very strongly.
That’s exactly right. But then again, Reichwingers and Wingnuts are not noted for their ability to deal in subtleties.
And since they believe that every word of the Bible is THE WORD OF GOD, nevermind what those Commienazi Germans with their Higher Criticism had to say about the matter (what are they, Episcopalians?), they will continue to produce utter stupidity.
The New Testament class I took in college was enlightening.
I kinda wish it were required that everyone in America take such a class.
I’d be in favor of teaching the Bible in schools if it were taught the way my NT class was taught.
Or remind them that it’s from Shakespeare and not the Bible.
Not that church wouldn’t be improved by using Titus Andronicus as scripture, I’m just saying.
Also great: changing “unclean” to “evil”. If only someone had thought to give Osama bin Laden a ritual bath and leave him sit for a week. Liberals!
Roger L. Simon:
“The Greek language may have been inadequate to convey the immoral overtones.”
Lots of opportunities there for creativity, but I suspect that Leftie saboteurs are at work, trying to
parodisemake more explicit the bullshit content of calling it “translation” when you mean Write-your-own-Bible.“The Hebrew language may have been inadequate to convey the [insert own preoccupations about sexuality, retributive justice, sociopathic economics, or all of the above combined] overtones, so I will use my own words as follows…”
————————————-
As a pagan, I’m surprised to find myself so shocked and disgusted when people start out with a political agenda and a list of proscriptions for others to follow, and then set about retconning a Bible that will bestow religious force upon how they intend to behave.
THIS IS NOT THE BIBLE IN WHICH I DON’T BELIEVE.
Being a freegan is oh-so-much cheaper.
If it were the Bible in which I don’t believe, I’d not believe in it even harder, but I especially do not believe in this not-Bible – not being the not-source of my not-ethos (for I am a nihilist and “I fuck you in the ass” is a not-morality), I cannot even not not-believe its not-authoritative not-spirit.
Also.
Being a freegan is oh-so-much cheaper.
Fortunately the Frau Doktorin is a Sheathen.
They have the Book Of Mackenzie translated, & of course their interpretation is bass-ackwards:
One day the older daughter said to the younger, “Our father is old, and there is no man around here to lie with us, as is the custom all over the earth. Let’s get our father to drink wine and then lie with him and preserve our family line through our father.” That night they got their father to drink wine, and the older daughter went in and lay with him. He was not aware of it when she lay down or when she got up. The next day the older daughter said to the younger, “Last night I lay with my father. Let’s get him to drink wine again tonight, and you go in and lie with him so we can preserve our family line through our father.”
Also: Too drunk to determine whom your effing? Probably too drunk to fuck.
“You’re!”
Just thought you’d like to know, I currently have a recommended diary on this over at Great Orange Satan. I of course credited you for the heads up.
“Utilize Powerful Conservative Terms:”
Power Conservatards Unite!
God will send you there for ever and ever if you ever do anything bad, or even think bad thoughts, or even if you never do anything bad, but don’t believe in him, and worship him the way you’re supposed to…because he loves you!
A User’s Guide to Big Juju.
Has there been a worse president in our lifetime than Barack Obama?
Simon better watch himself. His target audience remembers FDR, Kennedy and Carter. And by “remember”, I mean, “have a wildly distorted image of”.
3. Not Dumbed Down: not dumbing down the reading level, or diluting the intellectual force and logic of Christianity; the NIV is written at only the 7th grade level[3]
Yes, by all means, write it in language that the only people dumb enough to believe it in the first place can’t understand.
Hilarity abounds.
I’m imagning a new passage: “Verily, I say unto thee, sucketh thou not on the one-eyed serpent that springs from thy master’s loins.” That’s from Fellatians 69.
Also. Instead of turning water into wine, Jesus can go to the wedding in Canaan and turn the water into Brawndo. Cause Brawndo’s got electrolytes.
What’s so hard to understand? The President is a) a Democrat and b) a nigger. What more motivation do they need?
Bible 2:God Goes Galt
Combat Harmful Addiction: combating addiction by using modern terms for it, such as “gamble” rather than “cast lots”;[5] using modern political terms, such as “register” rather than “enroll” for the census
“Fucking” rather than “knowing”.
Check it out: the new Conservative translation changes Pharisees to intellectuals
Funny, I’d been led to believe that it meant “self-righteous religionists” by those damn hippie papists in the brightly colored dashiki-type robes.
Not Dumbed Down: not dumbing down the reading level, or diluting the intellectual force and logic of Christianity; the NIV is written at only the 7th grade level[3]
Says the guy who wants to remove all not-easily-translated socio-historical-theological language from the book.
There is very real danger here that by tweaking the wording of Teh Holey Bible they will inadvertently disrupt the sacred Encyclical Redundancy Checksum, colloquially known as Teh Bible Code.
To be sure, their efforts to date have already corrupted the parity bits (between a rich man and a poor man in the eyes of Gawd), but further alterations risk the direst of consequences for their meddling (cf Dan Brown).
I can actually see where Andy Schlafly is coming from. After all, the liberal theologians and liberal christians get to re-interpret the Bible all the time, turning this part and that part into metaphorical expressions of spiritual strivings, and turning the embarrassing bits about ‘literal resurrection’ and ‘virgin birth’ into Veiled References (not to mention all the out-and-out old-testament superstition) while trying to retain the basic Goddiness.
And is that fair? Is it fair that the biblical-inerrancy right-wing christians can’t also revise their inerrant bible? No, it is not fair, and HA HA HA HA HA.
The Gospels according to St. Wingnut can’t possibly be better than the LOLCats translation of the Bible:
http://www.lolcatbible.com/index.php?title=Genesis_1
their efforts to date have already corrupted the parity bits (between a rich man and a poor man in the eyes of Gawd)
Oh noes! If chirality conservation breaks down, Jesus will find himself sitting at the left hand of God!
I really want to see their picked-over Sermon on the Mount:
“Blessed are the Galt-goers, for they shall have an invisible force field.”
“Blessed are the WOLVERINES!, for they shall confound the Russkies.”
Paging Supply-side Jesus.
“If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him with a roundhouse kick”.
— St. Chuck 5:39
Luke 2:14
Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peance, freeance toward men.
“An Ceiling Cat [sez], i can haz lite? An lite wuz.”
There’s something about this line that just works in any dialect. I’ve been working on a set of stories about a glibertarian in an American answer to Villa Grimaldi, and when I’m feeling preposterous I call it Fiat Dux.
Someone fucking shoot me before I become VDH.
I just realized something hilarious: Schlafly’s innovations (continuity of voice, emphasis on corrupt agents of the world, reductive language, fanon inserts, friendliness to capitalism) make his Conservabible unusually suitable for the claims made by the Koran to theological continuity w.r.t. Judaism and Christianity.
In short, he’s written the Revised Standard Islamofascist Pregaming Bible.
Brilliant.
Fantabulosa! I will see your LOLcat Bible and raise you the Polari Bible.
1 And Adam knew Steve his palone affair; and she conceived, and bare Cain, and cackled, I have gotten a homie from the Duchess.
Translated “using a scripting language called perl although this apparently has nothing to do with necklaces.”
On Mark 6:22, “??????? is typically translated simply as “girl” or “damsel”,[4] but we use the term “temptress” to convey the context better.[5] The Greek language may have been inadequate to convey the immoral overtones.”
INADEQUATE!
Also: korasion kor-as’-ee-on: a (little) girl — damsel, maid. Maid == VIRGIN, as in not a MATRON. Seriously, what is it with all these Humbert Humbert cats?
Actually the Pharisees were liberal intellectual types. The Pharisees were, in many ways, the Democratic party of their day.
I thought the Sadducees were the effete liberal types… You can practically hear their eyes roll at all the religious talk the time or two they’re mentioned. I love those guys.
Or remind them that it’s from Shakespeare and not the Bible.
FWIW, the quote from the play is based on a Bible story: the devil cites a bit from Psalm 91 during the second temptation.
I prefer to believe that the suggestion of replacing “young girl” with “temptress” came from an infiltrating japester, rather than take it seriously, because it is too early here to start drinking.
This will end with the Bible distilled down to just the Gospel of Mark, Deuteronomy, Leviticus, the “vengeful God” parts of the old testament, any passages that talk about stoning teh gheys and subjugating women and, of course, the Apocalypse of St. John (aka Revelation).
I think all they really need is the set of verses they list in every Chick tract – Romans 3:23 and John 3:16 ought to be enough, in a pinch.
I hope this Conservatardia Bible revision pisses off some thumpers and sets off a big intrawingnuttia slappy fight. Srsly, you thump the Bible you have, not the Bible you might want or wish to have at a later time.
The Greek language may have been inadequate to convey the immoral overtones
Yes, the Greek language is often inadequate when it comes to conveying subtle psychological nuances- like, what’s this “agape” shit anyway?
Actually, the Conservabible will probably hilariously translate “agape” as “wide open”, which is a veiled CREED reference.
To conclude- BRUSSELS SPROUTS!
Sure, but it’s just one of dozens of things that Anglophone pop culture mistakes for stuff from Bible (by Michael Crichton).
And I still think most churches would be dramatically improved if they had to open with Judas Iscariot and Pontius Pilate brutalizing Mary Magdalene, causing Jesus to bake them into a pie such that they are et.
Also great: changing “unclean” to “evil”.
Menstruation: Evil, or Unclean, or just plain Icky?
Perhaps the truth lies somewhere in the middle.
And I still think most churches would be dramatically improved if they had to open with Judas Iscariot and Pontius Pilate brutalizing Mary Magdalene, causing Jesus to bake them into a pie such that they are et.
I for one would like to second the nomination of Alec for chief dramaturge in charge of revising the Oberammergau Passion Play, to bring it into line with contemporary tastes.
I sleepted but mai heart wuzint sleepin.
Mai lovr iz scratchin at teh door:
“O hai let me in,
mai pijin.
Mai head iz wet
an mai hair iz wet too LOL.”
3 I iz naked –
duz i haz to get dresst?
I lickted mai pawz an dey iz clean
duz i haz to get dem dirty agan?
4 Mai luvr sticked hiz paw thru teh cat flap;
Ai made a mess.
5 I got up to let him in,
mai handz smellded niec,
bcz i wuz wearin perfume,
i gotted it all ovr the dornob LOL.
Has there been a worse president in our lifetime than Barack Obama?
Hold on, let me think for a minute here….
8. Exclude Later-Inserted Liberal Passages: excluding the later-inserted liberal passages that are not authentic, such as the adulteress story
If they exclude later-inserted passages, they’ll end up with a pretty fucking thin book: the whole thing was written after the fact, generally by folks who weren’t there at the time.
Still, that’s fine by me. Hope they’ll also admit that the old testament was written by those dratted Hebrews, so it’s not really Krystyan, so they can dump that as well.
From the Gospel of Conservative Luke (The Parable of the Galt Samaritan):
30 Conservative Jesus replied, “A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and he fell among robbers, who stripped him and beat him, and departed, leaving him half dead. 31 Now by chance a priest was going down that road; and when he saw him he passed by on the other side. 32 So likewise a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. 33 But a Samaritan, as he journeyed, came to where he was; and when he saw him, he recognized him for the parasite he was, 34 and went to him and harangued him for not having the presence of mind to arm himself, and protect his sacred property. Verily did the Samaritan assert that A equals A, and the harangue lasted for a full three hours. Thereupon, the man did acknowledge the superior moral force of the Galt Samaritan.
In keeping with the Rand theme, they should retranslate John 15:13 thusly:
Original: “Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.”
Conservative: “Never live for the sake of another man, and ask no man to live for yours.”
“…I tell you, it is easier for a rich man to shit in the eye of a liberal than for a camel to enter the kingdom of the Lord.”
When the Disciples heard this, they were greatly astonished and asked “Who then can be redeemed?”
Jesus looked at them and said “With camels and their jockeys this is impossible, but with the free market all things are possible.”
Regarding “utilize”:
I can’t really add anything to that, other than to say “Wang” again.
Oh, so just because Mr. Wang is Chinese, that automatically means he has an abacus? I see how it is.
Regarding “utilize”:…
Yeah maybe, but the guy uses “translation” when he means “non-faithful interpretation” so I think we have to assume he takes the Humpty Dumpty approach to semantics.
He incurs brain damage by falling off walls?
That too also.
I clicked on their link to their definition of “Liberal”
I just gotta their definition:
A liberal (also leftist) is someone who rejects logical and biblical standards, often for self-centered reasons. There are no coherent liberal standards; often a liberal is merely someone who craves attention, and who uses many words to say nothing.
I assume this was drafted in answer to the question, “Mommy, what’s a liberal”?
Big Hollywood columnist worries about propaganda.
Am I a bad person for wanting a version of the Holy Bimble that has been rendered into Badly-translated-from-Japanese-assembly-instructions English?
“Do not inrest tab A into slot B for leads to CONFUSION.”
If a man goes to sleeping with a companion squire while it became with a woman (or Thirteen-year oldmaiden consent without), is the Homonups! They must be pressed on Internets by a white pair in of also the subpar Before-All-Hallows livery “Woman-Salesman and Sexcrafter”.
There’s a truly wonderful irony about the fact that these are the same folks who have been kvetching forever about “political correctness.” IOKIYAConservative.
Exclude Later-Inserted Liberal Passages
Isn’t that what Mark Foley asked the pages to do?
At some point in Mark they’ve thrown in “Jerusalem intellectuals.”
That one has to be a parody plant.
THIS.
I can’t believe I am the first one to mention this:
Power, Profit and Passion, the Gospel According to Marshall.
“Jesus, what if I told you that the meek could inherit something a whole lot better than the earth?”
“Jesus I used to be like you… dirty, smelly, thinking I was the son of god.”
It’s so full of win I just want to transcribe the whole thing.
I’ll stick to the LOLCat Bible, thank you very much:
http://www.lolcatbible.com/?title=Main_Page
A liberal (also leftist) is someone who rejects logical and biblical standards, often for self-centered reasons. There are no coherent liberal standards; often a liberal is merely someone who craves attention, and who uses many words to say nothing.
Forty words to say “liberals = BAD”. Also rich: accusing us of rejecting biblical standards, then reparaphrasing the Bible, including excising bits, because they think actual translations are too liberal.
Wasn’t Ayn Rand an atheist? It’s a little weird to apply an objectivist slant to the Bible.
In the absence of mirrors perhaps.
Erickson said that he actually asked the city attorney about the possibility of dissolving the police department. The attorney replied that police unions in the state of Georgia cannot strike or collectively bargain, meaning that any union the police formed would be essentially worthless. This didn’t deter Erickson entirely, however, as he said he’d still rather “contract out to the sheriff’s office than see a union come in” because unions “breed inefficiency, corruption, and taint.”
The truly amusing part of Eirkson’s cunning plan is this: Under Georgia law, public sector unions have no ability to collectively bargain, there are no protections against discipline or discharge for union activity, and of course it is illegal to strike. If Erikson’s cunning plan succeeded, and the police functions were contracted out to a private company, Georgia law would no longer apply, but the National Labor Relations Act — which governs private-sector labor relations — would. That would mean that all of the protections afforded by the National Labor Relations Act would apply to the police. Thus, among other things, the employer would be under a federal-law duty to bargain in good faith with a majority representative of the police officers and police officers would have the right to strike.
Someone should ask them what they’re going to do with this passage:
I warn everyone who hears the words of the prophecy of this book: If anyone adds anything to them, God will add to him the plagues described in this book. And if anyone takes words away from this book of prophecy, God will take away from him his share in the tree of life and in the holy city, which are described in this book.
Someone should ask them what they’re going to do with this passage:
Easy, they’ll just say that it strengthens their case and leave it at that.
Someone should ask them what they’re going to do with this passage:
BUTTSECKS reference needs more veils.
It is amusing, but it’s not just Republicans who do this. Recall the Jefferson Bible, the Tolstoy Bible, the 4-color Bible, …. Curiously, the authors all tend to find that the real Jesus agreed with them. Here we go again.
This is actually one of several better content articles associated with things that We have continue reading this specific matter these days. Fantastic perform.