ABOVE: Greg Gutfeld
Shorter Greg Gutfeld, Big Hollywood:
Daily Gut: What I Learned From ‘Cops’
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
The leaked recordings of Mel Gibson’s violent rants against ex-girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva would seem to be enough to put anybody off their lunch, but not Mad Mel’s loyal supporters amongst the FoxNews.com commentariat.
‘It’s pretty sad how since the release of “The Passion Of Christ” the media has taking every angle and advantage to humiliate and capitalize on every negative move or failure that Mel Gibson has made,’ laments somethintothink. Make a feature-length ode to the blood libel and those dirty Jews that control the media will hound you to your death.
Francheska Bardacke also sees a progressive hand somehow pulling the strings in this affair: ‘[I]f studios continue to support MG after such hostile and racist slurs (not to mention atrocious behavior regarding his girlfriend such that there needs to be legal action) I will lose all faith in Hollywood.’
Just wait for a slow news day, Francheska — Breitbart no doubt has an evergreen post on file explaining how self-hating studio execs were behind this whole thing.
Commenter ti1968 fingers the true culprit in Mel’s demise — Oksana, the ‘gold digger’ who ‘is using this to her advantage’. Presumably, the ‘this’ in question is getting screamed at by an unhinged racist and allegedly having your teeth knocked out for good measure. Virginia-based trishl notes sagely that the supposed ‘victim’ in l’affaire Mel ‘looks just like Octo-mom and is just as crazy as Octo-mom’.
We would only add that the Russian-born Oksana is a Slav, and everybody knows that they are only an evolutionary rung up from the sub-human Juden, who also breed like vermin and bear large litters of scheming Christ-killers. That is, if you believe in evolution — and truthfully, you’d be a fool to fall for such a scam. Better to think of Russians as large vodka-swilling rodents that crawled out of Lucifer’s ass roughly 6,000 years ago.
Carigis, meanwhile, is having none of this hand-wringing over Mel’s supposed transgressions: ‘I am buying one mel gibson movie for every day that fox rehashes this silly domestic dispute that is none of its business in order to try to drum up ratings.’ Happily, this may require a reboot of the Lethal Weapon franchise if the Gibson-Grigorieva saga goes on for a few more weeks. Danny Glover could use the work.
Bree is more pleased with the Fox coverage of the story than Carigis, nitpicking only that ‘you “*” out the F word and the B words, which is great, but you don’t do the same for the worst word in the article (hint, initials g and d).’ And goddamnit if she isn’t right!
Finally, wise words courtesy of jeanettemurray from Texas: ‘I feel so badly for such a great man that gave us “The Passion of Christ”. He must be caving in to the demons tormenting him. He needs our prayers, not our condemnation.’
The debbil made him do it.
Eh, Thers, what is your Chav Knacker Rap when compared to the glories of Englatvian or Latglish?
Full lyrics here since Aisha’s English is, well, barbaric. I do not think there has ever been a better Eurovision lyric than this:
What for are we losing?
Only Mr God knows why
But his phone today is out of range
Apparently Mr. God gets the same shitty service on his AT&T iPhone as everyone else.
ABOVE: New bathroom innovation keeps people from pissing all over the
bathroom floor.
Shorter John Hinderaker, Power Failure:
Gitmo, Let Me Stay!
Paul Mirengoff, Power Failure:
A Skunk By Any Other Name
Shorter Scott Johnson, Power Failure:
Busted
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
And blows up Thers, who thought he was safe, with “An Eastern European Kinda Funk.” Silly Thers.
Of course, an Alvin and the Chipmunks remix was inevitable and is below the fold.
ABOVE: Otoplasty Candidate Noel “Just For Men” Sheppard.
Shorter Noel Sheppard, Newsblusterers:
Guess Which Liberal TV News Host This Is?
Shorter Newsblusterer Commenters:
Guess Which Liberal TV News Host This Is?
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
*This is the same Noel Sheppard who got all splutter-faced when some bloggers mentioned that Sarah Palin might have gotten a boob job.
Shorter Jim Hoft, Gateway Dumbtwit
Taliban Training Killer Monkeys to Shoot Americans!
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
Now that the whole country* is sad over the German team’s 1-0 loss to Spain last night, some journalists have decided to crank up the inappropriate comparisons machine. To wit (our translation):
Just as the love between Teresa and Robert Enke didn’t have a happy end, the same now unfortunately holds true for the party people and this promising team.
Who was Robert Enke?
At the time of his death, he was widely considered to be a leading contender for the German number one spot at the 2010 World Cup.
On 10 November 2009, Enke committed suicide.
* Sadly, No! is headquartered in Germany.
ABOVE: B. Daniel “Gay Patriot West” Blatt
Dan-no has been driving around the United States visiting relatives which meant he hasn’t had time to post much. But that hasn’t stopped him from keeping his thinking cap on and thinking deep thoughts about the perfidy of liberals, especially gay liberals. So when he made it back home, like the elephant uncorked by the monkey, a torrent of, er, posts came flowing out.* Because our job is to read shit so that you don’t have to, here are Dan’s latest posts.
On Gov. Lingle’s Veto of HI Civil Unions Bill (& related matters)
A Reflection on the Liberals in My Family & the Critics of our Blog
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
*Cf. (canonical elephant joke no. 8)