Sadly, No!

Shorter Michelle Malkin: Government-backed union thugs with their tactically violent hate criming respond only to a show of force. Shorter Tony Blankley: I have begun to grow, urp, concerned about the president’s exit plan from Afghanistan, or his, oof, lack thereof. Shorter Austin Bay: Surfing the Internet is like riding the wave of the future! […]

Shorter Dennis Prager: If elected, a President Barack Obama would peel away decades of conservative policies, when all voters wanted was to elect a black dude. Shorter David Limbaugh: Leftist partisans, who for years slandered Bush as “a reckless cowboy” and a “moron,” have engineered the likely presidential election of an anti-American radical who might […]

Shorter Ben Shapiro: MTV manufactures its own market of porn-loving sluts. Shorter Cal Thomas: Of course bipartisanship is date rape, so instead of us ‘reaching across the aisle’ to them, I think they owe us a reach-around. Shorter Austin Bay: Turns out it’s actually better that we didn’t kill or capture Osama bin Laden. Shorter […]

I’m scared to go out at night, it’s not safe on the streets. And it’s hard to disagree in today’s society, you can’t trust anyone you meet. Shorter Thomas Sowell: Whither Obama: Too black? Too strong? Or is he, as some critics have persuasively argued, neither? Shorter Dick Morris and Eileen McGann: Obama should tell […]

Shorter Kevin McCullough: I’m not saying he’s a queer or nothin’, but I bet Barack Obama thinks unicorns kick ass. Shorter Janice Shaw Crouse: Get it straight, United Nations: teenage mothers — especially the married ones — in the Third World don’t need your advice, or your contraceptives. Shorter Doug Giles: The fact of the […]

Shorter Bill O’Reilly: While virtuous rightwingers justly denounced Michelle Obama, hateful leftwing internet haters left hateful comments at the HuffPost about poor lil ol’ Nancy Reagan. Shorter John Andrews: Hahaha, Obama’s surge has had the effect of cutting the Clintons down to the level of that hick Mike Huckabee, and I bet that really ticks […]

Shorter Phyllis Schlafly: Only commies and traitors could disagree with some guy’s research vindicating Joe McCarthy. Shorter Doug Wilson: The fact of the matter is, freedom will die if President Bush’s tax cuts are allowed to expire. Shorter Star Parker: Upon closer analysis, Fred Thompson’s campaign failed because he just wasn’t conservative enough. Shorter Matthew […]

We haven’t done one of these in a couple months… Shorter Rich Galen: You can’t trust the Pee-Pee. Shorter John McCaslin: Excelsior! Trent Lott bases his governing philosophy on the outlook of a town that most Americans have never heard of. [rimshot] 23 Skidoo! Shorter Mary Grabar: Only filthy communists like Jane Fonda think that […]

Shorter Mary Katharine Ham: It was nice to see someone ask Hillary Clinton some tough questions regarding her Presidential records. Shorter Amanda Carpenter: Americans dread another eight years of Hillary Clinton as president. Shorter Michael Medved: Principles and democratic ideals have no place in politics, where winning is everything. Shorter Allison Kasic: Lady science professors??? […]

And in the 70s there were Osmonds, lots of little Osmonds. Lots and lots of Osmonds everywhere. Shorter Michelle Malkin: Colleges should teach students to defend their beliefs. As in, physically. Shorter Ben Shapiro: The fact that Jackie Robinson suffered institutional racism in silence while the Rutgers women’s basketball team seemed to revel in the […]