Sadly, No!

Insert Immature Constipation Joke Here

The Twitching Sweating Horde, Pressing Up Against the Walls of the Shit Dam:

Any drunken chimpanzee who has been aware of the right-wing for the last couple of years could see the buildup of pressure among the right-wing as they notice that their old euphemisms and dog whistles weren’t enough to literally stop the clock and keep it 1850 forever and so have been itching to be honest as possible if they are going to be sliding into irrelevancy forever.

And being as good as at least a heavily doped up bonobo on a good day, I’ve been watching this train wreck for a while with the correct mixture of horror and wry bemusement.

Because it has birthed some awful things (the relegalization of lynching in Stand Your Ground Laws, the weeding of conservative candidates to only those who openly support a second Civil War and raping all the womenfolk, the massive increase in state-sponsored and individual terrorism against minority groups, and the outright sabotage of democracy), but it has also revealed the dark underbelly on each and every one of the right-wing’s scams.

“We just care so much about teh babiez” has been openly revealed as the sexphobic babies as punishment for being women bullshit feminists have always known it to be. “Supporting gun rights” about shooting unarmed black kids and women who think they have a right to get away from you and getting away with it. And of course “we support America” to be we only support America when it is a whites-only utopia where we’re allowed to control everything, otherwise, this country and everyone in it can burn.

I almost have to admire the honesty even though it seems to be waking up that mushy muddle-headed middle who actually believes the voter-pleasing malarky of “both sides do it and the right course is in the middle” that maybe, just maybe, conservatives are assholes.

They’re finally being true to themselves. It’s only a shame that that self is a 150 year-old anachronism whose antiquated bigotries are no longer supported by the vast majority of people alive today.
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Via Roy, TPM and Slate and featuring the biggest “Welfare Queen” in the land and in the news, whose name does not end with what might sound like a synonym for penis, and as well, also, too, a last name that reminisces the last name of an early ’90’s analog of Archie Bunker.

Not sure how many Rich assed White Persons I will be pissing off, and frankly not giving a damn, Scarlet, let us introduce those who may have been living under a rock, to the embodiment of an “Entitled Racist Shitbag” by the name of Cliven Bundy.

Now that he’s won a confrontation with the Bureau of Land Management over grazing his cattle on federal land,

“…confrontation…?!?!?!

The Shitbag in question has been stealing from all of us for more than 20 years, at least. And yet, he seems to think that the most powerful force on the planet, the Negro is to blame, which brings me to a suggestion, that any of you are welcome to thank me for the lack of nice things in the world. By the sheer measure of my existence, of the sight of me and others like, we seem to have done more to support the continuance of the patriarchy and plutocracy than any other subset of humanity. Apologies to those for whom my existence actually buttresses the the boots on your necks.

The marriage of half dead Hyperbole to the long and dearly departed Irony can be a terrifying thing to behold.

Nevada rancher Cliven Bundy has time to hold court on everything from abortion to the current state of “the Negro.”

Bundy made some racially charged comments about government assistance in his daily news conference Saturday, according to a New York Times story published Wednesday.

“I want to tell you one more thing I know about the Negro,” the rancher began as he described a “government house” in Las Vegas where he recalled that all the people who sat outside seemed to “have nothing to do. They didn’t have nothing for their kids to do. They didn’t have nothing for their young girls to do. “

Blink, blink, blink…Blink, blink, blink…

If I did not know better, I might be inclined to think I stumbled out of the mangrove glen into a forest of chestnuts, a chestnut farm as it were…Forget the fucking blood of tyrants, the tree of Tory Liberty on these shores, in this “home of the Brave” has been watered with the blood of the “Negro.”

“And because they were basically on government subsidy, so now what do they do?” he asked. “They abort their young children, they put their young men in jail, because they never learned how to pick cotton. And I’ve often wondered, are they better off as slaves, picking cotton and having a family life and doing things, or are they better off under government subsidy? They didn’t get no more freedom. They got less freedom.”

I see from browsing the comments from the last post that tsam has had a similar reaction to the ridiculousness in question, I’ll farm out the work, already done, to him. Such are my crafty yet nefariously shiftless ways:

He hit every single white conservative trope in ONE SENTENCE. This guy is a fucking genius.

“I’ve often wondered…”
No, you haven’t. You’ve often made up your own version of history and reality and then believed it was all true. This is the poor-man’s version of the normal right wing fallacy “it begs the question”, when it clearly does not.

“are they better off as slaves”
I’m sure there are millions of black people sitting at home, wishing they were owned by a confederate fascist. Seems legit.

“picking cotton and having a family life
Backbreaking work and deliberate system that was meant to keep families from being united–not exactly a family life, bro.

“or are they better off under government subsidy?”
Well, are YOU better off under government subsidy, Cliven? WTF kind of name is Cliven? Sounds like his name was something that he couldn’t pronounce until his early 20s so the impediment name stuck.

“They didn’t get no more freedom. They got less freedom”
Cliven doesn’t know the definitions of the words more and less. Cool.

So we have yet another example of the marriage of innumeracy, bald faced pig-ignorance (apologies in advance to the pigs) outright naked racism and Projection that would make every IMAX theater in existence blush…In other words, standard wingnut fare.

Only in the hivemind that is what passes for intellectual acumen in the realm of Whitemanistan™ would this ersatz welfare queen be granted the following acolades:

In the aftermath of Bundy’s standoff with federal authorities, conservatives were quick to champion the rancher’s cause, going as far as to compare him to civil rights icons. Richard Mack, a right-wing former sheriff who helped organize the militia that gathered at Bundy’s ranch, said the rancher and his supporters were like “Rosa Parks refusing to go to the back of the bus.” National Review correspondent Kevin D. Williamson wrote that the Bundy’s struggles with the law paralleled those of Mahatma Gandhi.

Meanwhile, Rats and sinking Ships, is a phrase that comes to mind:

The Times reached out to spokespeople for Sens. Rand Paul (R-KY) and Dean Heller (R-NV), who have spoken in support of Bundy, and for Texas Attorney Gen. Greg Abbott (R). Those who responded distanced themselves from Bundy and his remarks.

No doubting that nudges and winks will follow…For as much as these assholes hate having to answer for the honest ramblings of one of their own, there is little question in my mind* that they hate even more being boxed in by their lunatic fringe and forced to admit behind closed doors that they “…really are racist shitheels, just like you, double serious, just can’t say so in public, but we still really, really hate the niggers, and will do whatever we can to continue blaming them for everything that is wrong with the country…”

*Ha to the fucking ha…These asshats not only embrace the bigotry of their fellow travelers, but enjoy the warm embrace they receive due to the mantle of martyrdom upon which they must climb every time they must apostacize themselves before the mighty and “Lieberal MSM.”

Where’s a drunk Kurt Russell when you need him?

The Balrog Phyllis Schlafly, Christianist Host:
Facts and Fallacies About Paycheck Fairness

Readers… I… have a horrible secret to confess. Something so unthinkable and shocking that you may very well want to make sure your small children are out of the room house planet before you dare scroll onward, for it is raw poison to that most holy of objects, the family.

I’m… fuck, it’s so hard to say… I identify as a feminist. And I’ve done so for a long time… I know this is a shock and may very well ruin your marriages through the much researched transitive power of cooties, but I needed to get this off my chest, much like a bra that I am burning.

I hope together we can move past this horrible revelation… but I understand if you need time and shorters.

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

• The reason for the pay gap between men and women isn’t because of endemic sexism, but rather because women are naturally geared towards unfair slave labor due to the fact that their delicate lady brains just can’t handle the working world. Also, they are secretly making more than men and thus should be discriminated against more for daring to defy me by getting jobs in the first place!

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Kevin Williamson is hard at work on his Patrick Swayze cosplay for this year’s SeditionCon.

“Meritocracy at Work”, National Oh Y’all are Just Being Cute Now:

Some of you may be wondering where I’ve been for the last week. Well, some of it is still classified, but I can confirm as per the rumors that it did indeed involve a rocketship, the Attorney General of Vanuatu, and an entire barrel of Kinky Brand Liquor*.

But enough about me and my probable sex tape**, because the sad truth of life is that all this time off from reading the absolute worst of humanity has left me with an unhealthily healthy self esteem. Thus, the only thing to save you all from an impending horde of my Doombots is to inject myself with so much liquid crazy that I begin shitting my drawers and thinking Reagan was a decent president.
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Being a queer conservative is a kink too far for the likes of me.

Andrew Sullivan, The Seriously, Sully, that Gay Male Stereotype?:
The hounding of Brendan Eich

You know, I never thought I’d ever do this, but I have to agree 100% with Andrew Sullivan.

As someone else who has suffered job discrimination because I am trans*, I am utterly sickened at the way that Eich has been hounded out of his job just because he identifies as a transman. Especially as he would have been the first trans* person to ever hold such a lofty position in a major company and-

What? That isn’t actually what it is about? Oh, I shouldn’t have given Sully that much credit, but still, it’s worth noting that anti-gay discrimination is still rampant, especially in the upper echelons of companies where bigoted attitudes can thrive and fester on the backs of rich white men who’ve never had to interact with the greater culture and-

Really? No? Okay, to be absolutely fair, I haven’t actually read his post yet, just the seventy-three million iterations of anti-gay conservatives claiming he has apparently been the only gay rights activist who has ever lived and a “champion” of gay marriage who spotted a nasty case of discrimination and if I can’t trust professional bigots who’d lie about the color of the sky if they thought it would give them an electoral advantage, who…

Maybe I should double check what this is all about…

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

• Bu-bu-but the free market is only supposed to work against the under-privileged! That’s not how libertarian talking points are supposed to work.

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Pocahontas, no! That’s how you catch the AIDS! Now you have pregnant herpes! #Howconservativesthinksexworks

Janice Shaw Grouch, American Cryogenics Resurectees:
Exposing the Myths of Recreational Sex

Okay, lay it to me straight readers*.

You all just made up this “sex” thing to confuse us asexuals, didn’t you? I mean, sure, you have all this so-called “porn” on the internet, you all talk about it amongst yourselves, and you’ve bribed the greedy bankrollers in Big Biology to make it seem like the primary form of reproduction and recreation amongst a huge swath of the Animalia Kingdom.

But tell it to me straight. When all us asexuals walk out of the room, you just devolve into giant peals of laughter about how gullible we are, right? Yeah?

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

• Oh lawdy, lawd! Sex? For fun? Oh you kids are inventing new and more exciting ways to be heathen little sinners aren’t you?

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“…have sex under a hive of Africanized Bee’s?”

That line kills me every time.

Consider this an April Fools Week, open thread.

…

Look upon ye Master, ye huddled slaves. Let its shiny can overwrite your mind and fill you with subliminal thoughts!

Kyle Smith & Wesson (but really failed comedian Greg Gutfield), New York’s The Post:
The hipster war on you: How liberals use cool as a weapons

Heh.

Oh, we have gone far too long, my friends. Far too long since the last epic meltdown piece by desperate conservatives desperately trying to grasp onto some falling piece of youth culture or hip relevance.

And it’s a real shame, because these posts practically write themselves with their total failure to grasp even the outlines of the broader culture the wingnut finds themselves lost and confused within. I mean, with their insistent demand to dominate all culture and gain its reputation without work or effort, and of course their myopic failure to grasp just why they will never ever understand the culture they flail around, it’s pretty much a gold mine for us snark merchants.

Even more so when the whiny conservative in question decides to mix some good old fashioned dominant group with a persecution complex baggage into the mix in order to blame his personal failings on some Lovecraftian conspiracy of PBR beer cans and trucker hats.

In short, ladies, gentlemen, non-binary individuals, and fluberts, start up the popcorn, because we are in for a treat.

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

• The only possible reason my hacktacular rip-off show bought for me by wingnut welfare trying to ape the success of The Daily Show without a single understanding of its appeal failed is because of a vast conspiracy of PBR-drinking, truck hat-wearing, ironic racism-spewing hipsters working overtime to personally destroy me and other conservatives. It’s not my fault, it’s the coolocracy, I’m telling you! THE COOLOCRACCCCCCYYYYYYY!

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I mean, I would have gone with Crimea River, but apparently every media hack on the planet beat me to it.

Roger Cohen, The Motherfucking NY Times™:
Cold Man in the Kremlin

Bob in Himmel’s anus, am I tired of reading wingnut drivel about Russia in Ukraine.

Fresh off their brief love affair with the Russian tyrant in the wake of his anti-gay policies, we’ve got an unending spring of intense polemics.

I mean, yes, duh, Putin is an asshole who invades sovereign nations because they think being a UN security state with a nuclear arsenal and a large military gives one a free pass for whatever war of choice one wants to perform. Gosh, I wonder where he got that idea! Couldn’t possibly be our decade plus of dicking around the Islamic world for our personal game of Crusade Reenactment Porn. Nope, must be Endless Tyrant Obama quailing like a little mouse before Putin’s virile chest and “showing weakness” because apparently global politics is apparently supposed to operate on the self-delusions high school bullies tell themselves.

And yes, there’s a host of other bullshit in everything. Right down to the way that some people in Eastern European states pining for the days of the Soviet Union after seeing how crony capitalism and mass corruption led by Anti-Communists has left them. Putin’s own brand of corrupt corprotacracy. And the way that the EU has treated sections of the former Eastern Bloc in their efforts to join. Not to mention that Russia wants to rebuild its own empire by sucking up the “rebel nations” that escaped it and how a lot of his moves are about punishing countries for resisting his heavy-handed efforts to steal elections to serve his cadre of corrupt capitalists and his perverse nationalism.

And who knows, if we were having an earnest conversation about the failures in the Post-Soviet era and modern Russia, that’d be great.

But all through the media and especially on every right-wing blog on the planet, it’s not about that. It’s instead about one thing.

Shorter Every Fucking Idiot on the Right since Putin Coughed in Ukraine’s Direction:

• Oh please say the Cold War is back. Oh please say the Cold War is back. We’ve been desperate for an enemy as perfect for our interests ever since they went away. The existential terror of annihilation, the supposed leftist point of view which let us posit right-wing capitalism and christian dominism the opposite, the spies and secrecy which let us blacklist and demonize whole swaths of activists and intellectuals and prop up our own talking heads as patriotic heroes, the way conformity could be posited as patriotism, and so on. Oh, we’ve tried our best with the “terrorists” but you just can’t dress up those right-wing religious nutjobs as the same existential threat that the commies represented. Fuck, we just want our apocalypse. C’mon Putin, we’ve been good. We need this release so fucking bad.

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And she’s only one of the meaty offerings up for display this fine day.

A Whole Lotta Fail, The Usual Suspects:

So thanks to educating the young sprogs of America, I have managed to catch the Grand Daddy of Fuck You Colds. As such, I’ve been reduced enough in mental faculties to be able to shotgun far more than the usual amount of toxic chemicals… I mean, wingnut bullshit, I mean… wait, was I right the first time.

Point being, dwelling on the plague bearers that cursed me has reminded me of the favorite wingnut rant about kids these days (as in literally, rather than the usual all-encompassing rants about anyone under the age of 60).

That being that kids have been COMPLETELY RUINED by the “everyone wins” culture. A demonic consortium that rewards participation instead of only celebrating those whose jaws drip red with the limbs of those who came in 4th. Or at least that’s how they would categorize it.

Which has baffled me, because the types of assholes who whine about this are not at all the sorts who would be winning any competition that wasn’t bought and paid for with their daddy’s money (or perhaps an Upper-Class Twit of the Year style event). I mean, sure, they rubbed themselves until they spurt blood at the thoughts of the swaggering jock assholes, but that doesn’t mean they were anywhere close to the running.

And that’s when it hit me. The poor bastards are jealous and have misinterpreted rewarding the effort to at least try as a conspiratorial action against their clear and obvious genius in combing Obama’s birth certificate for kerning.

As such, I think it’s right time we rewarded these recognition starved incompetents and hand out some awards for what meager spoils the poor bastards do succeed at.
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