Shorter Junior Detectivo and Master Kerner Ace, Ace of Spades (No One Gives Me) Headquarters Did Anyone Order A WeinerGram?
You wanna know how I can prove that Anthony Weiner’s Twitter account wasn’t hacked as he claims? Because I know what his dick looks like and that is absolutely, positively a picture of his dick. Trust me.
One case of some non-white Muslim terrorists voting for a Democrat in Kansas City, Missouri, is proof of widespread voter fraud throughout the nation.1 Also liberals lie about all the people without IDs who couldn’t vote if we pass voter ID laws, because absolutely every single person in Kansas has a photo ID,2 which proves that this must be the case everywhere else in the United States.
1 Koch conveniently neglects to point out that the Missouri Court of Appeals found that every one of the Somalis in question produced valid identification confirming their registration to vote.
2 Koch relies on statistics that Kansas has issued more state photo IDs than there are people in Kansas according to the latest U.S. census. It apparently doesn’t to occur to Mr. Dumber-Than-A-Cornfield that since non-documented aliens are counted in the census, this also means every illegal alien in Kansas has a state-issued photo ID and therefore every illegal alien in Kansas will still be able to vote!
Feminists should stop bellyaching about how little housework their husbands do and realize that the dishwasher, which makes housework easier, was invented by men and bought for them by their husbands.
Muslims are using the revenue from selling pee-sicles to Jewish kids to fund international jihad*
*The only evidence that Frau Schlüsselscheiße has for this vast conspiracy and hitherto unknown terror-funding mechanism is a bottle of frozen urine found in one ice cream truck that was pulled over with a drunk driver behind the wheel. He did not have “urine popsicles to sell.” It’s not quite clear either how the drunk guy was going to turn a bottle of frozen urine into peesicles but I’m sure that there is a jihadist manual somewhere that explains the process. Still, it seems that peeing directly into the popsicle mold is a much more efficient process. And, not to be overly particular, but the peesicle conspiracy, due to the likely absence of repeat customers, strikes me as an idea unlikely to provide funding for much more than a suicide firecracker attack.
It’s amazing what you can learn on the Internet. You can learn that oreo cookie crumbs are a powerful aphrodisiac and a potent laxative and, apparently, you can also learn that I, Tintin, am really Carl Salonen. This amazing revelation is being bandied about by none other than the dim-witted Donald Douglas, who learned this from our favorite transvestite Amy Arnold Alkon, who revealed my, ahem, identity during an interview with Instahayseed’s Wife, Dr. Helen, which was posted on media powerhouse Pajamas Media TV. With so many high-powered wingnuts and delusionists involved in this stunning revelation, how could it be wrong? How could I, of all people, have lived for these last 34 years without realizing that I was, all along, someone else other than the person I thought I was? The saddest ravage inflicted by the disease of liberalism on its victims is, apparently, an inability to read their own drivers licenses and to think, therefore, that they are someone else entirely.
Now as you can see, the nutty perfesser, who thinks he’s stumbled upon some kind of holy grail, is intent upon not squandering it in the same way he has squandered the rest of his unremarkable life as a run-down unpublished professor and third-rate blogger, so he’s threatening more: law suits, photographs, party hats, jello shots and his own favorite herbal viagra. This should be fun. Stay tuned.
Also joining in the fun is the dull knife who blogs, oxymoronically, as ser8ted, or serr8tted, or s3rrat3d, or some such l337 nym. He apparently thinks that Carl Salonen is really Jonah Goldberg or something.
One last note: you have to “register” to view the Mrs. Dr Instahick video featuring Amy Arnold Alkon revealing my top-secret but really and actually true forever identity. Perhaps an enterprising Sadly, Naut! could register and share the login with everyone. I, for one, would love to see the entire video.
UPDATED: L337 blogger s3r88tard, or however the fuck she spells her fiendishly clever nym, brings the unintentional funny to an update where she accuses me of cowardice for, get this, anonymous blogging. Well, call me a coward, if you will, surr877ed, but at least I’m smart enough to realize that I am blogging anonymously.
Because Paul Krugman has a beach house and two oddly named cats, there is no need for me to address the substance of his arguments. Well, okay, if I must: His arguments are stale. There. I win.
ABOVE: Don Surber in front of his newly-remodeled home
When Sadly, No! fave Don “Jim Bob” Surber takes down a post after being given a little too much attention from the Sadly, Nauts, I would probably otherwise leave him alone to nurse his wounded pride on pork skins and moonpies in the solitude of the leaky shack he calls home. But, sadly, I just can’t. Not when he posts something called “Correcting Kristof” and he is, in fact, as wrong as a Catholic priest in a boys locker room.
What has our Plato of Poca all fired up is a Kristof column about Republicans being on the warpath “against family planning programs at home and abroad.” To illustrate the consequences of not having available family planning abroad, Kristof tells the story of a Somali woman who died in childbirth.
In comes Super Surber for the kill:
And on and on he goes.
Not once in his column does he mention Planned Parenthood.
There’s a reason for that.
Planned Parenthood does not have an office in Somalia.
Er, Jim Bob, the reason that Kristof doesn’t mention Planned Parenthood is because HE ISN’T TALKING ABOUT PLANNED PARENTHOOD, a possibility you might have considered before dribbling ketchup and spittle on the front of your K-Mart overalls. Because, you see, Jim Bob, Planned Parenthood is not the only U.S. program funding international family planning activities. There’s the mysteriously secretive organization called USAID, which also funds family planning activities overseas. And the Repubs cut the agency’s reproductive health and family planning from $648 million to $575 million. That’s what Kristof is talking about.
The reason, Don, you have no chance at a Pulitzer ever is not because you’re a particularly unphotogenic right-wing extremist. It’s because you’re dumber than a wrecked Chevy on cinder blocks.
Obama should have stuck to his campaign promise to capture Osama and give him a trial so that I could accuse Obama of being a Muslim and soft on terrorism. Now that he’s killed Osama he’s revealed himself as a dangerous hypocrite unfit to be President.
“UNREAL!” screams the Hoft post headline. Uh, oh, I think, this must be really good. Well, it’s not only unreal but …
This ought to make you sick…
Sheez, I say, preparing myself for the worst. Let me get a plastic bucket over here.
This ought to make you sick…
The official Obama policy:
Photos of dead US soldiers – Good.
Photos of dead Osama Bin Laden – Bad.
Good lord, man. What’s going on? Is Obama posting photos of U.S. soldiers with gory head wounds on the White House website? Is he telling the Pentagon to send pictures of wounded corpses to the networks for the evening news? Because, you know, if he is, well . . .
In February 2009, his second month in office, Barack Obama changed official policy to allow photos of dead US soldiers.
That can’t be.! How could he? It even says so in the article that Hoft links.
The Obama administration has decided to open the gates of Dover. In a policy to be unveiled today, Pentagon officials told reporters, Defense Secretary Robert Gates — the only holdover from the Bush administration — will announce that news photos of flag-draped coffins will be allowed, as long as families agree.
That’s it. I’m voting for Trump. Oh, wait . . .
… news photos of flag-draped coffins will be allowed …
There really is no reason to ask, at this point, if Hoft could really be this stupid. Nor should it really come as a big surprise that you can find someone with an even more profound and heartbreaking intellectual disability in his comments section:
THis is a madman in office, a lunatic Jihadi, who probably saved Osama in the raid
In fact, Osama is now comfortably ensconced in the Lincoln Bedroom and on Monday will be appointed the Chief Justice of the new Sharia law judicial system that Osama is creating to replace the current one.
Andrew Malcolm, a political blogger for the L.A. Times whose only qualification seems to have been a year as press flack for Laura Bush, enters the sweepstakes for what GOP operative can make the most ridiculous arguments to discount Obama’s role in the demise of Osama Bin Laden with the post having the headline pictures above. The hilariously garbled headline accusing Obama of “misteaks” and “cnofsuoin” (Mr. Pot, meet Mr. Kettle) is just the beginning.
Without a body, how could President Obama prove that he was The One who brought Osama sudden justice without the burden of time-consuming civil trials …?
So, although it meant only nine holes of weekend golf instead of 18, Obama OKd a May commando raid, as long as he could still attend the White House Correspondents Assn. dinner to mock that jerk Donald Trump.
So, let’s see. According to this Bush shill, Obama ordered the commando raid for his own political benefit provided that it wouldn’t interfere with his golf game or his social schedule. I guess that once the L.A. Times hired Jonah Goldberg as a columnist there really was no longer a limit on the fabrications that it will permit its writers to put in their columns and blog posts.
Reactions to the death of Osama bin Laden at the hand of US forces were varied — from the jubilation of impromptu crowds celebrating in front of the White House and at Ground Zero to the shock and relief experienced by family members of his victims to concerns about a short-term spike in terrorist activity resulting from the al-Qaeda leader’s execution.
A minority took a very different approach, poking at the tea leaves to try to divine a way for the news to be very, very bad for Barack Obama. Now that’s outside-the-box thinking — this wouldn’t be most people’s first reaction upon learning that the current president’s troops had succeeded at accomplishing a major military goal left unaccomplished by his predecessors.
Breaking -= FOX News is reporting that Muslim leader Osama Bin Laden is dead and that the US has his body. Obama to address the nation, I hope he doesn’t get choked up …
And really, a big news day like this would be difficult for anyone. How to balance gloating over the death of a monster, scoring political points and collectively blaming hundreds of millions of co-religionists for the actions of a tiny few?
Pam’s method — mix n’ match — is as good as any, we suppose.
Gd bless the US military. We killed him. Oorah!
I hope Muslims are dancing in the streets in America. No? Or has CAIR filed a lawsuit?
The 300 million or so non-Muslim Americans who didn’t take to the streets to dance a jig last night all had a legitimate excuse — fallen arches, they were washing their hair, etc.
UPDATE: The teleprompter is speaking *yawn* The teleprompter is taking credit for the killing. Every other word is I.
‘We are not at war with Islam.’
‘He was not a Muslim Leader’
Sheesh …….. the man is insane.
Insanity, as they say, is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. How many times does Obama have to appear on television before he figures out that Pammycakes is not a fan?
UPDATE: Crowds of cheering Americans gathered outside the White House in Washington DC, chanting ‘USA, USA.’ Not a burka in the crowd.
Nary a cowboy hat, neither. Why do rodeo clowns hate America?
Meanwhile, Atlas commenter ParahSalin finds the cloud at the heart of the silver lining:
