ABOVE (clockwise): John Hawkins, Michael Steele, Pizza
I’ll bet that if you’re looking for movie recommendations, the first place you think of going is Clown Hall. John Hawkins, at your service:
10 Horror Movies For Conservatives To Watch This Halloween
Halloween is almost upon us and you’re probably thinking, “Gee, wouldn’t it be great to kick back on the couch and rent a few conservative horror flicks for the big night?”
For those of you wanting to make snarky comments about the amount of couch-kick-backing that Hawkins must engage in, you should understand that on Halloween this is actually the healthy option for him as compared to his other plan, which was to dress up as Chewbacca and go door to door cadging handfuls of mini-Snickers, candy corn and Reese’s Pieces.
Here’s the problem: horror films aren’t family friendly. They’re gory, they’re violent, and they’re vulgar. Even setting that aside, there really aren’t very many “conservative” movies overall and there are almost no truly “conservative” horror flicks. Still, as a Right-Wing horror film aficionado, I can at least make a few solid recommendations
For a guy who needs to stay within his own sheltered world of conservative horror flicks, conservative search engines, conservative anatomically-correct blow-up dolls, and conservative hemorrhoid creams, this Halloween couch night still poses a problem. After all the heavy exercise involved in playing DVDs makes John start to get a little peckish, he will almost certainly decide that it’s time to order a pizza. A “conservative” pizza. And the idea for Hawkins’s next column is born.
As another benefit of your fully-paid subscription to Sadly, No!, we now bring you Hawkins’s next column before he even writes it:
Five Pizzas For Conservatives To Eat
Dinnertime is almost upon us or, if not, lunch time, or maybe even it’s late-night snack time. I mean it’s time to eat somewhere in the world almost any time of day. So you’re probably thinking “Gee, wouldn’t it be great to get up off the couch for a sec and order a few conservative pizzas?”
Here’s the problem. Pizzas are, for the most part, liberal — socialist even. The typical toppings, with their Italian names (pepperoni, parmesan, sausage), stand as a pathetic America-hating apology for American exceptionalist cuisine: meat loaf, corndogs on a stick, Hamburger Helper, French’s Mustard, and Tuna Noodle Casserole topped with crushed potato chips and cornflakes. And don’t get me started on the whole socialist concept of putting the pie down in front of people divided into equal slices where everybody can just take and eat what they want. Still, as a right-wing pizza aficionado, I can make a few recommendations:
5. Meat Eaters Pizza. The liberals says that cattle-farming creates greenhouse gases and that meat production, by using more land, water, food and resources than any other kind of food exacerbates world hunger. Suck it, libs. Every time you eat five pounds of meat on a crust, Al Gore’s head explodes.
4. Hawaiian Pizza. Ham and Pineapple. The ham guarantees that no Muslim has ever wanted to eat this pizza and the pineapple can make you nostalgic for the halcyon days when the United Fruit Company kept brown people in third-world countries in line.
3. Deep Dish Corndog Pizza. Admittedly you can’t order this from Domino’s or Pizza Hut or anywhere else for that matter. But it’s easy to make, just use the regular yellow American mustard instead of Honey Dijon called for by the recipe. You can freeze it and nuke it when it’s too late for delivery. This mouth-watering treat comes from Texas. What could be more conservative than that? Eat it while wearing a ten-gallon hat and your cockroach kickers.
2. Cheeseburger Pizza. Topped with ground beef and cheese, ketchup, pickles, gherkins, fried onions, bacon and tomatoes. Best of all it’s George W. Bush’s favorite meal. After two bites you’ll be ready to start your own war in the Middle East and wiretap your neighbor’s phone.
1. White Pizza. White. That’s all you need to know.
[via Thers and commenter Laym]
