Teh Top Five Conservative Pizzas
I’ll bet that if you’re looking for movie recommendations, the first place you think of going is Clown Hall. John Hawkins, at your service:
10 Horror Movies For Conservatives To Watch This HalloweenHalloween is almost upon us and you’re probably thinking, “Gee, wouldn’t it be great to kick back on the couch and rent a few conservative horror flicks for the big night?”
For those of you wanting to make snarky comments about the amount of couch-kick-backing that Hawkins must engage in, you should understand that on Halloween this is actually the healthy option for him as compared to his other plan, which was to dress up as Chewbacca and go door to door cadging handfuls of mini-Snickers, candy corn and Reese’s Pieces.
Here’s the problem: horror films aren’t family friendly. They’re gory, they’re violent, and they’re vulgar. Even setting that aside, there really aren’t very many “conservative” movies overall and there are almost no truly “conservative” horror flicks. Still, as a Right-Wing horror film aficionado, I can at least make a few solid recommendations
For a guy who needs to stay within his own sheltered world of conservative horror flicks, conservative search engines, conservative anatomically-correct blow-up dolls, and conservative hemorrhoid creams, this Halloween couch night still poses a problem. After all the heavy exercise involved in playing DVDs makes John start to get a little peckish, he will almost certainly decide that it’s time to order a pizza. A “conservative” pizza. And the idea for Hawkins’s next column is born.
As another benefit of your fully-paid subscription to Sadly, No!, we now bring you Hawkins’s next column before he even writes it:
Five Pizzas For Conservatives To EatDinnertime is almost upon us or, if not, lunch time, or maybe even it’s late-night snack time. I mean it’s time to eat somewhere in the world almost any time of day. So you’re probably thinking “Gee, wouldn’t it be great to get up off the couch for a sec and order a few conservative pizzas?”
Here’s the problem. Pizzas are, for the most part, liberal — socialist even. The typical toppings, with their Italian names (pepperoni, parmesan, sausage), stand as a pathetic America-hating apology for American exceptionalist cuisine: meat loaf, corndogs on a stick, Hamburger Helper, French’s Mustard, and Tuna Noodle Casserole topped with crushed potato chips and cornflakes. And don’t get me started on the whole socialist concept of putting the pie down in front of people divided into equal slices where everybody can just take and eat what they want. Still, as a right-wing pizza aficionado, I can make a few recommendations:
5. Meat Eaters Pizza. The liberals says that cattle-farming creates greenhouse gases and that meat production, by using more land, water, food and resources than any other kind of food exacerbates world hunger. Suck it, libs. Every time you eat five pounds of meat on a crust, Al Gore’s head explodes.
4. Hawaiian Pizza. Ham and Pineapple. The ham guarantees that no Muslim has ever wanted to eat this pizza and the pineapple can make you nostalgic for the halcyon days when the United Fruit Company kept brown people in third-world countries in line.
3. Deep Dish Corndog Pizza. Admittedly you can’t order this from Domino’s or Pizza Hut or anywhere else for that matter. But it’s easy to make, just use the regular yellow American mustard instead of Honey Dijon called for by the recipe. You can freeze it and nuke it when it’s too late for delivery. This mouth-watering treat comes from Texas. What could be more conservative than that? Eat it while wearing a ten-gallon hat and your cockroach kickers.
2. Cheeseburger Pizza. Topped with ground beef and cheese, ketchup, pickles, gherkins, fried onions, bacon and tomatoes. Best of all it’s George W. Bush’s favorite meal. After two bites you’ll be ready to start your own war in the Middle East and wiretap your neighbor’s phone.
1. White Pizza. White. That’s all you need to know.
[via Thers and commenter Laym]
If that list doesn’t START with “An American Carol,” I’m not reading it…
WTF?!? Hawaiian Pizza!
Blasphemy. That is the holy food of the Temple of the Invisible Pink Unicorn and NAWT FORE CONSERBATURDS.
Besides, Hawai’i is part of the “Pretend Barack Hussein Obama X was born in the US” conspiracy.
I thought the slasher films like Friday the 13th were conservative.
It’s kids who have sex that always get killed first.
That Hawaiian Pizza had better have the long form birth certificate on it!
I imagine John Hawkins as one of those unbalanced-looking guys who’s always wandering from Kinko’s to Starbucks toting around a grocery bag full of ratty notebooks and scraps of paper and manila envelopes all packed with evidence and data that’s been collated in that graphomaniac way that only makes sense to himself.
Except John Hawkins posts those lists on the internet in the form of Top 10 lists.
That Hawaiian Pizza had better have the long form birth certificate on it!
you didn’t read the fine print: “Imported from Kenya”
Shorter N.C.:
JOHN HAWKINS IS TR00FIE!!!!
Amy Alkon’s Red Dawn Pizza:
Eat raw ground beef.
p00p bl00dy st00l.
Yell WOLVERINES!!!!11!reagunisgreat!1!!!
and
So which one is it, John?
Man, I really need to figure out a way to get rich off the fact that conservatives love everything that is Teh Suck. Horror movies without gore or violence? I’m sorry but that doesn’t sound very horrifying. Then again, these are the fuckstains who invented Christian Rock, which does not contain any actual rock. Sorry guys, but rock music and horror movies ARE NOT FOR YOU.
Hate to be looksist, but with a face like that, Hawkins IS a conservative horror movie.
Hate to be looksist, but with a face like that, Hawkins IS a conservative horror movie.
LeatherDoughfaceIt’s a timely and true message: Don’t count on your government in a crisis.
cf. Hurricane Katrina
It’s a timely and true message: Don’t count on
yourRepublican government in a crisis.Back on the subject of pizzas, I imagine that pepperoni and sausage pizzas would be suspect because the phallic images conjured by these pork products would drive young conservative males (e.g. Chowder/Shapiro- slash intentional) to teh buttsechs.
Address my meat-laden pizza, libs!
John Hawkins is pretty hard on the eyes. The scariest thing about his web page was the ad for Mooselini’s “Going Rouge.”
Tuna Noodle Casserole topped with crushed potato chips and cornflakes
Are we revisiting the recipes of Amber whoever-she-was-how-many-years-back? Hang onto your mayonnaise jar!
And why has John Hawkins forgotten the great horror classics like Dracula, Frankenstein, etc?
There is only one conservative pizza.
Thank you Till, for going where I couldn’t bear to tread. I think I will be sick now.
“the sweet, sweet joy of watching a guy in a Ronald Reagan mask taking an ax to dirty, drug addled hippies throughout the movie.”
Is he talking about conservative horror or porn here? Or is there any difference?
Best Horror Films for Conservatives:
The Haunting(1963 version): Massachusetts girl, probably slutty, dies because of housing crisis
The Birds: reveals the danger of unchecked environmentalism; California slut dies
Fall of the House of Usher: Massachusetts brother and sister, possible slut, both die when housing collapses
Cat People (1942): A tale of the perils immigration brings to US. Slutty immigrant dies, slutty New Yorker terrorized.
I Walked with a Zombie: horrific vision of the future under Obamacare. Dead slut dies again.
etc.
The Mist is a conservative movie? The Mist? Where one of the chief villains is a wackadoodle evangelical, and the ending is basically a condemnation of the whole “you’re on your own” conservative mindset (and whose unmatched bleakness also implies that there’s no such thing as a merciful God)?
Actually, I could probably stare in amazement at the majority of his choices. But I’m especially tickled by the idea of Clownhall fans nationwide* saying “well, Hawkins said it’s good, and only a little gory, so let’s just fire up this here Reanimator DVD and HOLY SHIT NOOOOOOOOOOOO …”
* All three of them. And you have to consider Kentucky-to-Idaho “nationwide.”
Actual Conservative Horror Movie suggestion:
No T&A, no blood, no gore, no secrit lie-beral agenda to homo-fy the kids – in fact, a dire warning against the unseen horror – and yet creepy as fuck.
The Happening: Shows Reagan was right about the killer trees.
I never thought I’d see anything as horrific as Mrs. Rush Limbaugh, Sr.’s “Under the Sea Salad,” but I think that pizza recipe may be up there.
I still think the greatest conservative horror movie is The Texas Chainsaw Massacre– not only do those hippie dippy teens get what for, but the movie shows a “traditional values” Heartland family, just trying to provide for themselves without taking any government handouts.
Holy frijole. I thought McMegan’s raw-veggies-and-cup-of-salt-on-pound-of-noodles was the worst Teh Sadly Cuisine ever got to.
There is only one conservative pizza.
I’m sorry, I can make that even more
blandconservative.You can’t use real cheese, it has to be either Velveeta (the cheese that wouldn’t die) or Cheez-wiz from the can.
Reanimator? REANIMATOR? Severed head cunnilingus scene and all? Real conservative there.
Hell, if you’re gonna go for the gore, you might as well pick The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: regular meat-eating Americans from the Heartland show smug city kids what real family values are.
except for that corndog abomination, i like all those pizzas.
there are almost no truly “conservative” horror flicks.
I say this as a liberal who dearly loves horror and has even tried writing a few stories — but horror is, in general terms, one of the more conservative forms of literature — it’s all about something coming in, upsetting the status quo, and the protagonists’ struggle to return things to the way they were before.
Hawkins is dumb as a brick if he doesn’t know that.
T’anks, Tintin.
Is anyone else having a problem reading this post? IE7 is farging up all the margins and text is disappearing behind the ads, etc.
And I’m only on IE7 because of the work overlords, so no browser comments please.
[Tintin adds: Wasn’t an IE7 problem. I forgot to fully close a tag. Firefox, which I use, overlooked the sin, but IE did not. Tag is now closed and the post displays properly. Sorry.]
Scott: Yeah, but…some of em have BEWWBS!
Omg…did you see the ad for the waterboarding t-shirt. Best horror movie for liberals? “The Horrible Fucking Sick Twisted Minds of Conservatives.”
laym, I’m having the same trouble…
Laym,
Same issue.
Same reason.
Hell, I only upgraded from IE 6 last year because they said it was OK.
there really aren’t very many “conservative” movies overall and there are almost no truly “conservative” horror flicks
Except for this one, I guess.
Same trouble here (also with IE7).
For those of you mentioned “Chainsaw”,good call. Whenever I think of good old fashioned conservatard fam I always picture those freaks.
horror is […] all about something coming in, upsetting the status quo, and the protagonists’ struggle to return things to the way they were before.
Also true of love stories. No?
Except for this one, I guess.
Hee hee! “All the President’s Men” had crossed my mind.
Yeah, I’m with Scott. Isn’t most horror conservative? I mean, not even just by the exact definition of why by Scott, but also, the sheer amount of horror films that are basically recreations of traditional wingnut scare tactics.
I mean, let’s go down the list, torture porn (nuff said) like Saw? Not only the obvious, but most are about “dredges of society” getting “due punishment” and the copycats threw out that lame bullshit to just be “raping and killing women” over and over which as we see in the anti-choice movement, a giant wingnut hard-on.
Slashers? Promiscuous youth get slaughtered with implied (or stated in Friday the 13th) reason being the having of consensual sex outside the bounds of matrimony.
50s monster movies? Outside the “no nukes” horror tales, a shit ton of them were manifestations of the Red Menace, communism come to take over YOUR town. See Invasion of the Body Snatchers or Children of the Damned.
Paranormal? How many are basically about some “egghead” scientist ignoring the warnings of good honest religious kooks before being completely slaughtered by ancient (often demonic) evil. When it doesn’t, then often it’s just straight up priests fighting it (see Exorcism). All promote the religious idea that there is a world beyond ours and thus usually also a heaven and hell.
I mean, ok, zombie flicks usually no, because of Romero, but for the most part, if you want conservative values telepathed into your brain, horror is the safest genre to go to outside maybe romantic comedy and it’s best to avoid the latter because of all teh sex.
Madness.
So if this is the plot of a conservative horror movie, does that mean Dr. Strangelove is a conservative comedy?
Also true of love stories. No?
Not sure I follow your reasoning. Explain?
I thought the slasher films like Friday the 13th were conservative.
Yep, the Black and Brown folks are always murdered early and anyone who smokes a joint or has sex is a certain to get whacked. Jason Voorhees: Teh Repubican Id. At least zombies are egalitarians.
Anyway, though, how prissy and weak-minded do you have to be to even want to do a political-correctness check on your horror movies?
Good call on that “Things Mankind Was Not Meant to Know” evil-scientist bullshit, Cerberus.
Photo caption:
Please advise where to begin. Is the pasty, white, doughy thing on the left the (un-cooked) pizza?
And should the pizza (whichever one it is) be called a “man-hole cover?”
Oh yeah, adding to myself, the serial killer movies usually are super-pro-death penalty because it was a liberal’s belief in “rehabilitation” of “evil” that lead to evil serial killer’s escape before slaughtering lots of people. A slaughter that only ends (until the next movie at least) when they kill the fucker and make sure it stays dead.
Also the “things you yell at the screen for the actress not to do”, the “common sense” “everyone” should know? Are usually the actions only a paranoid would really follow in our bland normal world, thus training paranoid suspicion on the part of the viewer.
I’ll admit to enjoying fruits of the genre as well, but it’s as retrograde as cinema gets.
On the For Reals list, why no “Ghostbusters” love? The depiction of the EPA guy is right up wingers’ alley. Is the thought of being terrorized by junk food just too much for them to bear?
I think THE MIST is supposed to be conservative because the ending is anti-mercy killing, a.k.a. “pro-life.”
Of course, another way to read that ending is, “as long as you have hope, the government can save you.” Not surprising he wouldn’t read it that way.
I mean, ok, zombie flicks usually no, because of Romero
I’d say especially zombie movies. What makes zombie movies scary? It’s not just the dead guys walking around — it’s the idea that Western civilization is being besieged by dirty, rotting outsiders, and if they get to the protagonists, they get turned into dirty rotting outsiders, too, and Western civilization dies in chaos and entropy.
Also true of love stories. No?
Not sure I follow your reasoning. Explain?
Perhaps I should not generalise from personal experience.
kingubu-
Well, don’t know if it counts, but I made a conscious decision to blanket ban the torture porn genre in my household, but that’s just because the palpatable hatred of women and love of killing them goes so much beyond even slasher movie fare. But yeah, it’s not like I go down to the rental place and say, no, this has too many conservatives in it, oh this vampire flick promotes libertarianism, oh I think this might have a sympathetic republican in it.
These people are basically the equivalent of a hypothetical liberal who won’t watch The Birdhouse because Gene Hackman’s character has lovable traits.
it’s the idea that Western civilization is being besieged by dirty, rotting outsiders, and if they get to the protagonists, they get turned into dirty rotting outsiders, too, and Western civilization dies in chaos and entropy.
But aren’t zombie movies often metaphors for the deadening effect of mindless adherrence to the status quo? And yeah, in particular I’m thinking of Romero’s films, but also Shaun of the Dead.
Conservative “Horror” movies:
An Inconvenient Truth;
The last Rainforest;
Born Free;
The March of the Penguins;
Gorillas in the Mist;
Watership Down;
Anything by Michael Moore
Horror movies are conservative, but Hawkins isn’t. He’s a movementarian, or a kulturkampfer. Whether a film, novel, organization, or person is politically correct (“conservative”) hinges entirely on whether it can be seen as attacking kampfer totems of hatred — wealthy liberals, college students, sexually available women, non-Christians, blacks, and of course the Jews (in the guise of that dastardly librul media, or Hollyweird freaks who aren’t like us).
This also explains why a film depicting a competent and heroic government security force is conservative for that reason, and a film depicting an incompetent and neglectful government security force is also conservative for that reason. Worthless Government Bureaucrats are kulturkampf totems of hate, and Noble Gun-wielding Lawmen Who Gets The Job Done are heroic symbols. If forced to explain both with the same narrative, the movementarians would claim that the government is useless because the Noble Lawmen are held down by the Worthless Bureaucrats, but it’s not really necessary — it’s all about symbols.
A simple social experiment would be to write a slasher script about a stabby murderer killing greedy, shallow, and immoral rich people. Set the film among rock-ribbed Republicans in Orange County, and you’ve got a despicable piece of liberal filth. Move the setting up to Beverly Hills, and you’ve got a glorious conservative broadside against the moral depravity of Those People. Same script, with place names and cultural signifiers tweaked. I guarantee it.
Trust me on this, those nose-picking zombies are the WORST!
Undead zombie boogers…
Whatever happened to Amber Pawlik anyway?
Scott-
Hmm, good point. I was just playing off the fact that Romero put in a lot of anti-racism, anti-consumerism messaging into his zombie flicks, but you are right about the symbolism. There are very strong similarities to the alien intrusion genre as well as the general themes of corruption from within which are big wingnut talking points.
I suppose the better question to ask is how many “liberal” horror movies are there? I mean, Carrie, Ginger Snaps, maybe Jacob’s Ladder, but that could go either way, maybe Romero and Romero-inspired, but again either way, and maybe the “no nukes” giant monster movies (minus the ones about how dangerous and “wild” africa is and therefore any “product” of africa would be). My guess is that it would be a much shorter list.
I’d say especially zombie movies.
The funny thing is, I think that the zombie movie genre has really been the best place in horror to advance more liberal ideas, partly because of you can turn the outsider/insider theme on its head. Night of the Living Dead is one of the best examples, of course, but in a more concrete way, I’ve noticed that more current zombie movies tend to be more feminist than most other horror movies, and not even in just the “OMG sexay zombie killer” way (though those certainly exist).
No conservative horror movies? At the end of the original Night of the Living Dead a white cop shoots a black man!
But aren’t zombie movies often metaphors for the deadening effect of mindless adherrence to the status quo? And yeah, in particular I’m thinking of Romero’s films, but also Shaun of the Dead.
(shrug) A good movie/book/whatever can have lots of different and often contradictory meanings. “Invasion of the Body Snatchers” is about Communists invading America… OR it’s about McCarthyites demanding robotic allegiance from everyone… OR it’s about both at the same time.
I think of zombie movies as a generally conservative sub-genre because the plots often sound a lot like how the wingnuts describe the Evil Brown Menace coming to eliminate Noble Honkey Freedom.
When I went to Hawkins’ article the first thing I saw under his “Ten Horror Movies” was “Sarah Palin is Back”. I didn’t have to read another thing.
Same script, with place names and cultural signifiers tweaked.
I agree. Yet *we’re* the moral relativists.
Djur, yeah but I mean look at the selection. I mean, most slashers target blacks and sexually active women first. Hence why the trope was so thoroughly skewered (on one level) in Snakes on a Plane where only the people of color and those sleeping with the people of color survive.
And plenty of torture porn movies are either slaughtering attractive “loose” women or “society’s worst” in all it’s Rorsarch glory.
It’d be like moaning the lack of selection for good, honest anti-alien sci-fi films.
No conservative horror movies? At the end of the original Night of the Living Dead a white cop shoots a black man!
Yeah, but the black guy was the hero. I think conservatives are still pissed about that.
I think Saw, with its twisted morality play, was really offensive, although I have to say, it shares with The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, a surprisingly smaller amount of on-screen gore than suggested gore. Never saw a need to check out any of the other torture-porn “video nasties”.
Truth to tell, the last “horror” movie I saw on the big screen was Bubba Ho-tep, which I loved. Yeah, it started out as a cheesy horror-comedy, but ended up as a melancholy, elegaic piece about aging.
But zombies themselves are conservatives, they eat brains. What do you do with that?
Stephen King makes the point in Danse Macabre that all horror is reactionary and reinforces some aspect of “Us vs. Them” dynamic. That, or it allows us to play out repressed sexuality or ego/id conflict.
I thought these good points, and if you had to find a political referent for being “reactionary” I suppose the closest thing to that nowadays would be the current crop of conservatives. Ditto for repressed sexuality or wrestling with the id. However, broadening the identification of ideas which are mostly interpersonal or internal to include the political directly is a bit of a stretch.
For example, The Shining in either of the media in which it comes to us is inherently reactionary. The father is an alcoholic, and the mother lenient and indulgent with her son- therefore they are visited by catastrophe, which takes the form of an out of control parent. Literally, the lack of control exhibited by the father as regards his alcoholism, and the absence of control evident in the mother manifest themselves supernaturally. It is only the return of Dick Halloran (a “good” father figure if there ever was one), and his eventual redemptive self-sacrifice that allow the child to survive.
All of this is about as reactionary as you can get, but to identify that with conservatism per se is mostly projection. Conservative parents are as likely to be alcoholics or overindulgent as liberal ones, and it is only the worst kind of partisan jingoism (“everything good is like US!”) that would lead you to even try to do so. Stories of any kind are about the personal, not the political, and this is doubly so for horror, which must resonate in the reader/viewer in a deeply personal way to be effective.
I think of zombie movies as a generally conservative sub-genre because the plots often sound a lot like how the wingnuts describe the Evil Brown Menace coming to eliminate Noble Honkey Freedom.
I can see that, but I think there’s often a lot of social commentary cutting the other way in zombie movies. Whereas the idea that the horror genre is generally conservative, holds up well for me since most horror is based on being punished for meddling with nature/god/whatever and getting your just desserts as a result.
I suppose the better question to ask is how many “liberal” horror movies are there?
Ultimately, I think that’s a question that should be left solely to the Hawkinses of the world. I don’t want to limit what movies I see or what books I read to the ones that appeal to my politics. I don’t want to think of “Dracula” or “Night of the Living Dead” or “The Haunting” as conservative or liberal — I want to enjoy them as good horror, first and foremost.
Sure, I want to be able to understand what influenced the creators and what different interpretations of the film’s symbolism and metaphors are — but dividing the world into Liberal and Conservative boxes is a game for culture warriors, not for me.
OT, but very, very thinly veiled teabagger reference.
Same script, with place names and cultural signifiers tweaked.
I agree. Yet *we’re* the moral relativists.
And even after righties publish lists of acceptable films, rock songs, books, actors, etc, we’re the politically correctness ones.
I think there’s often a lot of social commentary cutting the other way in zombie movies.
I agree. Also, there’s some wiggle room in the “Us vs. Them” paradigm that’s been exploited time after time in the zombie genre–even though they’re “them,” they’re still “us.” This has pretty much been done in terms of emotional connection and really hasn’t been put into a political context, but there’s still an acknowledgment of the fact that morality is messy.
“Veiled” ass-man reference?
The real conservative horror movie is The Incredible Shrinking Base.
Maybe a little off-topic, but despite horror’s generally conservative underpinnings, most horror writers seem to classify themselves as liberals. I don’t know exactly why that’s the case, especially when you consider how many science fiction and fantasy writers are whackaloon Repubs or glibertarians.
Well, don’t know if it counts, but I made a conscious decision to blanket ban the torture porn genre in my household, but that’s just because the palpatable hatred of women and love of killing them goes so much beyond even slasher movie fare.
Yet a significant portion of fans of those movies are women.
No conservative horror movies? At the end of the original Night of the Living Dead a white cop shoots a black man!
i.e.” conservative porn, not horror..
PENIS.
wasn’t there an awful movie made, oh 10-15 years ago, about flesh-eating Llamas that attacked menstruating women? Attack of the Blood Llamas or some such??
And even after righties publish lists of acceptable films, rock songs, books, actors, etc, we’re the politically correctness ones.
Their ability to project is almost enviable.
BARN OF THE BLOOD LLAMA!
Well, most people who classify themselves as political liberals are conservatives, because the American status quo has been the ideology that self-identified ‘liberals’ hold for decades. “Liberal” and “conservative” are cultural identifiers in the United States, not accurate descriptions of ideology.
I think of zombie movies as a generally conservative sub-genre…
Yet there is another reading of the “zombie movie” which one could identify with a more “liberal” viewpoint- if one looks at the protagonist of any of these films as a symbol of the uncoopted-self, they become stories of maintaining a separate, genuine identity against hordes of intruders that want to make you just like them. But again, I think it’s a stretch to make this a political idea…it is an interpersonal drama, ultimately.
(My own review of said llama film, though I still haven’t gotten to see it yet.)
OT, but very, very thinly veiled teabagger reference.
The Onion, getting it right since 1756.
I suppose the better question to ask is how many “liberal” horror movies are there?
I don’t think there’s a conservative or liberal horror movie out there. I think each has elements in it that can be viewed as drawing on both philosophies.
Take this whole dynamic of “punishing sexuality” which conservatives latch onto like leeches.
But now look: you have a couple of teenage kids, usually, pretty innocent beyond having urges, and they get beheaded and slaughtered for the Biblical act of pro-creating.
Errrrrrrrr, not for nothing but the fact that they face a death penalty for an error in judgement? Sounds like it’s presenting a pretty liberal POV on the state of American culture to me.
Maybe a little off-topic, but despite PIZZA’s generally conservative underpinnings, most cookbook writers seem to classify themselves as liberals.
Fixed for on-thread-ness.
Themes in horror movies take different moral lessons.
1) Undeniable Bad Thing out there. Evil vs.Good, plain and simple. A tacit admission that there’s just Bad Stuff Out There. You’re always fighting it. Dracula, Nosferatu, Salem’s Lot. It’s all reduced down to a tug-of-war, whoever’s stronger wins.
2) Bad Thing caused by foolish people – either meddling with or ignoring the forces of nature, which causes some kind of imbalance. All those nuke-paranoia movies. A sub-set of this is the hubris horror movie – Frankenstein – someone self-aggrandizing reaches too far and “creates a monster.” Basically, in these movies it’s someone’s fault, and the whole movies is about learning the lesson.
3) Something wants to eat you. It’s not Evil, it’s just performing naturally, but its effects are bad. You may have to kill it, but it’s not a moral issue.
Horror movies remind us of the modern conservative movement simply because they use the exact same tactics to try to scare us.
My favourite pizza: Mozzerella, chicken, sweetcorn, and pineapple. Thin crust. It works, try it!
wasn’t there an awful movie made, oh 10-15 years ago, about flesh-eating Llamas that attacked menstruating women?
I thought that was a reality show starring Lorenzo Lamas!
That pizza has way too many vegetables on it.
But srsly I bet even Comrade Zhdanov is horrified by the culture-warrior bullshit driving this horror movie list.
While the underlying basis of pizza, the crust if you will, is conservative and does not change much in different iterations, the pizza itself has always been associated with the working class, populist demographic. Pizza is also very adaptable, and, having been introduced to the American cultural landscape by immigrants, is embraced and modified by more recent immigrants.
Gonna have to run out for a slice now.
Scott, absolutely true, I was even thinking of putting a disclaimer similar to what you said when I mentioned it. It was merely a sort of rhetorical question. The nature of the setup pretty much sets up conservative tropes, sometimes there can be liberal tropes which are clever pretty much entirely because they are subversions and subversions of the expected are where originality flourishes. Besides, what makes “good” horror usually is a question of whether or not it gets into your head in the right way, either psychologically (Jacob’s Ladder, Rosemary’s Baby) or straight through the good ol fashioned blood-pumping fear response (Slashers, monster movies).
It’s about the catharsis of released emotion. Same with “action” movies or “weepies”. Hell, a lot of good cinema is about that now that I think about it.
Rusty Shackleford-
I got nothing.
Wait.
Nope. Nothing. Consider my mind boggled.
Any mention of “real family values” is incomplete without a call-out to Parents.
Also Society now I think of it.
See, actor, I’ve always read the sex/death thing in slasher films to be more of an outlet for sexual anxiety than about being punished for having sexual feelings. It’s an external outlet for whatever guilt or fear you have pent up in you about sex, not a morality tale..in my opinion, anyway.
In what world is “The Dead Zone” conservative?
The hero unmasks a right-wing fundie political candidate as a coward in front of cameras, thus preventing a future nuclear holocaust.
And should the pizza (whichever one it is) be called a “man-hole cover?”
Veiled buttseks reference.
Re-Animator conservative?
Herbert West would be rolling in his grave… if he could die!
Sockpuppet-
And there’s the masterful summary.
Note to self, be more pithy.
…go door to door cadging handfuls of mini-Snickers, candy corn and Reese’s Pieces.
This is one of the reasons I love this blog so: attention to detail. Those are three of the most disgusting Halloween candies imaginable.
(I’m revealing my deep-seated belief that peanuts and chocolate together are an abomination.)
How many are basically about some “egghead” scientist ignoring the warnings of good honest religious kooks before being completely slaughtered by ancient (often demonic) evil.
Well done, Cerberus! And this has been going on since well before the 50s films.
Nope. Nothing. Consider my mind boggled.
Like all chick stuff, it’s all about feelings and relationships. Horror movies and torture pr0n are to regular chick flicks what action movies about war are to documentaries about war. Also, they love the make-up and cosmetological wonders that are the foundation for a lot of the shock. It’s troo, ’cause chicks dig make-up.
Yet a significant portion of fans of those movies are women.
I haven’t seen a ton of “torture porn” movies, but I have to say that I think they sometimes get more flack than they deserve in terms of misogyny. In the first saw movie, the main victims were two dudes, and while Saw II did have women in it, they weren’t tortured any more than the men and the torture wasn’t sexualized. Hostel was a terrible movie with plenty of sexist shit in it, but there was also this (probably unintentional) thread of feminism in it–these guys’ bodies are bought and sold by people more powerful than they, AND it happens not long after they visit a prostitute and have been objectifying women in a fairly disgusting way throughout the movie.
Plus, as the article points out, there are ass-kicking women in these films, and they’re usually smarter and more assertive than women in classic slasher films.
Oh, and I’ll argue that 90% of “romantic comedies” are just as sexist as any horror film out there. At least horror films can be entertaining.
(I’m revealing my deep-seated belief that peanuts and chocolate together are an abomination.)
They are, ’tis true. When you add the third member of the trinity, however, it’s magical. Peanut butter, chocolate and cilantro – three great tastes that taste great together.
Most horror films have a very unsubtle plot. Any film with a very simple message tends to look conservative, because conservatives love to express everything in terms of black and white.
Film makers are at a disadvantage in the shortness of the format. They can’t always tell a very complicated story, and most films end up being a simple story about a conflict of some type.
Conservatives also like to tell imaginary little stories about simple conflicts where there are good guys and bad guys. It is easier and more compelling than actually thinking about things.
Any film where the “bad guys” are just a paper cutout is going to look conservative, because that matches the conservative world view. The more complicated the personalities of all the characters in the film, the more likely you are to see some sort of liberal message.
Horror films are just notorious for having simple plots, and no character development at all. Action movies also lean the same way.
TruculentandUnreliable-
That makes a lot of sense. I suppose a good amount of torture porn is just “patriarchy gone wild”. I’ll admit being mostly unnerved prematurely so I haven’t really gone out of my way to really probe the genre too deeply (Shut up Smut).
Okay, okay — a liberal horror movie: King Kong.
An animal is torn from its natural habitat by ruthless businessmen and transplanted to an unnatural setting. Though the creature does upset the status quo, and though the status quo is brutally reinforced at the end, our sympathies always lie with the reluctant monster. The biplanes, the enforcers who try to return the world to normal, are depicted as savage destroyers, and the audience never doubts that Kong never should have been removed from his natural world.
Those are three of the most disgusting Halloween candies imaginable.
(I’m revealing my deep-seated belief that peanuts and chocolate together are an abomination.)
You. are. a. COMMUNIST!
TruculentandUnreliable-
Also agree on the point on rom coms. They’re either first most regressive or second-most regressive depending on how you rank horror.
Also funny how the movement conservatives similarly balk at them, but that’s probably the wingnut fragile male fear that watching “chick flicks” will make your dick fall off.
…and cilantro – three great tastes…
for vanishingly small values of great. Cilantro. Ugh.
Look, I get the idea, sort of.
I don’t read wingnut blogs. I know what they’re going to say. I don’t watch fox or most of the shit, I know what they will show me.
So I sort or, well, kind of, get the idea of enjoying material that isn’t, on the face of it, idiotic.
But I’ve never wondered if a film was the same political bent as I am. I’ve never made a list of great liberal songs. What is this obsession that wingnuts have with this kind of thing?
Sockpuppet-
Makes sense. I suppose it’s also because if you want your simple plot to make sense, you have to base it off things “everyone knows” or “want to believe” which tend to be right-wing scare tactics or right-wing inspired urban legends.
That’s it, I’ll never ever eat again. Ever.
Not trusting the shorter, I read the original. Hawkins should have simply called it “10 Horror Movies I Like” because he makes little (and in some cases no) effort to clarify why his favorites are ideologically conservative. Maybe he thinks that they must be conservative because he likes them.
See, actor, I’ve always read the sex/death thing in slasher films to be more of an outlet for sexual anxiety than about being punished for having sexual feelings.
That’s another way of looking at it, but that kind of self-reflection would almost immediately be labeled liberal 😉
ice weasel-
Need you ask?
Their entire life philosophy is essentially: shut up, stop asking questions, and conform. But almost all the great art, the great works are based on rising above conformity to make something new and genuinely interesting or otherwise explores the taboos that conservatives don’t want people to think about.
But all they live for is being the “normal”, the “cool” that everyone joins clique style in high school where they are emotionally stuck.
So what do they do? Try and sell approved versions of the normal that aren’t infected with the “be unique” “think for yourself” virus.
“How many are basically about some “egghead” scientist ignoring the warnings of good honest religious kooks before being completely slaughtered by ancient (often demonic) evil.”
Chief Wiggum: “Enough of your boreaxe, Poindexter! A man’s life is at stake!”
(Fires gun indiscriminately at portal that Homer disappeared into)
“Take that, ya lousy dimension!!!!”
Also agree on the point on rom coms. They’re either first most regressive or second-most regressive depending on how you rank horror.
I think part of the attraction for women to horror films is that the shit normally marketed toward us is so fucking AWFUL and a lot of women just swing to the other extreme. I think it’s also a response to pressures to be traditionally feminine and a pushback against stereotypes of women.
I actually think that romcoms and horror movies are often two sides of the same coin, but at least the horror side is more entertaining.
I’ve never made a list of great liberal songs. What is this obsession that wingnuts have with this kind of thing?
He’s rephrasing the argument that he and his compadres are a beleagured minority — the few defenders of Helms Deep, as it were, surrounded by an endless army of liberals, who will use any weapons against them, and have already corrupted Teh Movies into a veritable shitmoat of left-wing propaganda.
You don’t need to list great liberal songs because the music industry is also in thrall to the Left so the vast majority of songs are liberal anyway.
How about ‘Frailty’? Is that a conservative
pizzahorror film?The hero unmasks a right-wing fundie political candidate as a coward in front of cameras, thus preventing a future nuclear holocaust.
Also, actual self sacrifice rather than just blogging about how self-sacrificing he is.
Pizza: cracker thin hand-rolled sourdough crust topped with roasted corn (lightly sauteed with a little sage and garlic in butter) and goat cheese, and cooked on the grill. Or in the spring this.
romcoms and horror movies are often two sides of the same coin
Well that’s just asking for a mash-up, then isn’t it?
In what world is “The Dead Zone” conservative?
The hero unmasks a right-wing fundie political candidate as a coward in front of cameras, thus preventing a future nuclear holocaust.
If you remember, the way it worked was the Good Guy was going to assassinate the Preznitial candidate, despite his moral qualms about murder, One-Bad-Act-Serving-The-Greater-Good and all that.
He didn’t succeed, but what defeated the Bad Guy was his own reaction to the threat – he used a little kid as a human shield from the bullets. After that, he was a goner as far as public opinion was concerned.
In today’s politics, the folks on the right would find some way to defend even that action, and maybe Michelle Malkin would be snooping in the kid’s background to prove he deliberately set out to discredit the guy.
Well that’s just asking for a mash-up, then isn’t it?
Surely it’s been done??? If not, I may have to get on it. My zombie novel isn’t going anywhere and zombies are getting so fucking passe anyway.
If said coin had three sides, then “teen comedy” would be on it, as well.
On our side of things, I’ve heard a lot of people put forth the idea of “The Devil’s Rejects” as social commentary on the American attitude post-9/11 in the form of William Forsythe’s character.
Did someone say mashup?
“Must Love Jaws”
Surely it’s been done???
I’d think it’s been done, but nothing’s springing to mind. Of course I’m by no means well-versed in the horror genre.
You can certainly combine Romanticism with Horror: Frankenstein. But maybe it’s time to retool that zombie script…
Well, the movie version of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies is probably only a few years away at most and Shaun of the Dead was pretty much a guy wins back girl movie with a backdrop of zombie apocalypse.
P.S.: How the fuck did he miss “The Last House on the Left”? You don’t even have to have seen it, you just have to know there exists a movie about middle-aged parents killing bloodthirsty hippies dead.
I suppose the better question to ask is how many “liberal” horror movies are there?
Purely tongue-in-cheek here: how about The Faculty? The heroes turn out to be the students who ignore the societally desirable roles (a dropout, the mocking school journalist, a lipstick lesbian, an outsider transfer student– the jock hero of the group quit the school team to focus on his studies, for heaven’s sake!) and it turns out that illegal designer drugs are the key to saving Earth from the alien menace!
@ Schuyler T. Colfax
Bravo, Sir. Well-linked.
I don’t know if any of you fucking fuckers mentioned this already, but the original The Stepfather is a movie conservatives would love, not realizing the titular maniac is actually one of them. How about the French Eyes Without A Face? It’s French, but they come off rather poorly in it. You libs would enjoy it because of its goodfilminess.
Well, the movie version of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies is probably only a few years away at most and Shaun of the Dead was pretty much a guy wins back girl movie with a backdrop of zombie apocalypse.
I forgot about P&P&Z–and you’re probably right about an upcoming movie. I was thinking that you could very easily slide into Shaun of the Dead territory, as well.
ABOVE (clockwise): John Hawkins, Michael Steele,
Pizza“Rainbow” Special Olympics Participation Medal (with participant’s name, guardian phone number, and directions to send him back to event location in case he wanders off printed clearly on the back)Fecksed
How did he miss the new version of “The Hills Have Eyes”, in which a bunch of Fox News viewers afflicted by nuclear fallout and inbreeding terrorize and murder snooty elitist liberals who trespass on their territory?
Maybe he thinks that they must be conservative because he likes them.
Well, isn’t the usual wingnut argument against something “x is liberal because I don’t like it/him/her”?
I guess I’ve developed a tolerance for “chick flicks” since most of the movies I’ve gone to (physically into a theater) have been on dates, and that’s what we went to, so Romantic Comedies hold no terrors for me.
My girlfriend’s and my favorite RomCom, though, may be the RC/Horror mashup you speak of: The Truth About Cats and Dogs. We’re both sitting there going: “On what PLANET is Uma Thurman the more attractive of these two women? Have zombies eaten everyone’s brains?”
Of course, Janeane Garofalo is number one on my Freebie List™, and she’s fine with that, so we may not be typical….
Well, the movie version of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies is probably only a few years away…
Well, if they wanted brains, at least Mrs. Bennett would be safe. Along with Mr. Whatshisbutt, the pompous guy who first proposes to Lizzie.
Mr. Collins.
By the way, completely off-topic, here’s my entry for the Washington Post pundit contest that ended last night. So excited to find out if I won.
Dear Fred Hiatt,
Here is my submission for your job position of assistant pundit. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed Star Wars when it first came out.
First, my bio:
I’m a white male adult, 210 pounds if dry and clean-shaven –212, let’s be perfectly frank, as I intend my column should be – and I speak English and can read a little French and order a side of legumes in that same language, but nothing else. I have married only twice.
Now the column:
As my long-time readers will surely know, I often say various things. And that’s been good enough to get by with for a long time, if you consider 200 years a long time. Which I do. Can you imagine if your shoes were 200 years old, for gosh sakes? I’ve been doing this since I had both the power of speech, written speech but also talking. I mean saying various things, in case you lost the thread there for a second like I did.
It has always been my intention to say things with a clarity of startling perspicuousness. Some people have remarked on this before. So here’s the point, or as we writers like to say, the “pitch” or “skidoo juice.” America has been around for 200 years plus the years after the Bicentennial, which is around 230-plus years. And for Americans to say, “the Founding Fathers had this specific thing in mind when they wrote this part of the constitution I favor over several other ones,” when after all we can’t possibly know what the Founding Fathers were thinking, is just plain nuts. Nuts! 233 years, I did the math.
I mean, if we think they meant a certain group of people when they wrote about some part of the situation they were in, but some other group of people is like, “what?” and they freak out, are you going to tell me Benjamin Franklin was one of those people? I mean he was right there. They meant somebody else, or at least they didn’t come right out and say it to his face. Because then he’d just split to France.
So let’s bury the hatchet and get down to brass tacks. This Founding Fathers stuff has got to end, before the nation is torn asunder by a quarrel that pits North against South, and brother against brother. Especially the taller brother with red hair. He’s wild.
Thanks you very much for reading my submission and giving me the prize.
Yours
B*n Tr*pp (name redacted to protect my identity.)
Well, the movie version of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies
Just finished it. Would like to see the movie made. I did not know that Zombies sometimes mistake cauliflower for branes. Helpful fact.
I guess I’ve developed a tolerance for “chick flicks” since most of the movies I’ve gone to (physically into a theater) have been on dates
The first date my husband and I went on was to see “The Virgin Suicides.” So, yeah…I’m not sure what that says about us. I’ve also been sweet enough to see THREE Fast and the Furious movies in the theater.
And I agree 100% re: Uma Thurman and Janeane Garofalo. She’s clearly the hotter of the two, especially in that movie.
RDWotC:
That’s a winner, to be sure. You’ll be writing WaPo editorials before you know it (except you may have to make them a little more obtuse).
Re: The Truth About Cats and Dogs: I remember when that came out and Siskel and Ebert panned it because they thought the premise was so unbelievable, because Garofalo is so attractive.
I always thought they were ok after that review.
For liberal horror movies, I think you have to go no further than “Night of the Living Dead, “Dawn of the Dead”, and “Day of the Dead”.
Not only was the original protag of “Night of the Living Dead” African-American, he is doomed because another freaked-out survivor refuses to work together with him – **and then** the protagonist gets accidentally killed by the military that’s supposed to save them.
“Dawn of the Dead” has a great subtext about mindless consumerism, and “Day of the Dead” is about just giving up and moving on when the battle isn’t worth fighting, rather than actually becoming less human than your enemy to win.
Re: The Truth About Cats and Dogs: I remember when that came out and Siskel and Ebert panned it because they thought the premise was so unbelievable, because Garofalo is so attractive.
See also the new TV comedy Cougar Town, in which Courtney Cox has trouble attracting men.
Thanks you very much for reading my submission and giving me the prize.
Out loud, I did, laugh. I should try this in a cover letter.
I’m surprised no one has seconded my nomination of The Hills Have Eyes for the list of top conservative horror movies.
And now that I mention it, I’m still deeply disappointed that no one ever picked up on my reference to that K-Lo photoshop from a few threads back as Kolchak: The Nightstalker.
And now that I mention it, I’m still deeply disappointed that no one ever picked up on my reference to that K-Lo photoshop from a few threads back as Kolchak: The Nightstalker.
I did. I just assumed everyone did. That was a great show.
well, I must say THIS turned into a pretty tasty dinnertime thread…
I remember seeing The Hills Have Eyes and thinking, “I didn’t know Mark Hamill was gay.” For much of the picture I thought the teenage son was just a little swishy, maybe because the actor was trying to play 10 years younger than his actual age. Then he does a cartwheel, and years of gymnastics lessons flash across the screen, and I understood.
So I’m not sure conservatives would be comfortable with that, because he lives.
well, I must say THIS turned into a pretty tasty dinnertime thread…
TEST#1—————————————————————–> cauliflower
**Listens for shambling sound moving from left to right**
Understand, sorry. Lost control of my tenses.
And now that I mention it, I’m still deeply disappointed that no one ever picked up on my reference to that K-Lo photoshop from a few threads back as Kolchak: The Nightstalker.
I did. I just assumed everyone did. That was a great show.
Seconded. I’m particularly fond of Jeff Rice’s original book. Pretty damn good, indeed, and you can totally see that he had Darren McGavin in mind the whole time, though it’s a bit more noirish and hard-boiled than the TV movie came across. Also, if you got Netflix, you can watch the TV show for free on-line, which is why the internets are great.
Way to single-handedly hold the site together, tintin!
Props. Mad props.
…and zombies are getting so fucking passe anyway.
Hey!!!
Also, if you got Netflix, you can watch the TV show for free on-line…
Dude. Sword-wielding undead motorcyclists here I come!
I did not know that Zombies sometimes mistake cauliflower for branes. Helpful fact.
It’s FICTION, Looch.
Then there’s my theory that The X-Files was just a ripoff of Kolchak: The Night Stalker. But The X-Files did have Gillian Anderson, who was about number three on my Freebie List™ before the recent overhaul….
Then there’s my theory that The X-Files was just a ripoff of Kolchak: The Night Stalker.
Chris Carter acknowledged the debt (how could he not?). Remember the Darrin McGavin episode?
Dude. Sword-wielding undead motorcyclists here I come!
Also. “Columbo”, “Maverick”, “Fawlty Towers” and “Red Dwarf”. It’s almost like they decided that if nothing else, they were gonna make me, Matt T., happy with the selection.
Kolchak was a fine show, and scared me enough that a particular scene with a monster falling after being shot with a crossbow has just never left me.
Hey, wait a minute. That’s no pizza – that’s a quiche!
I’m working my way through Dexter on Netflix now. Somehow my queue never gets shorter…
Conservative pizza? Why, Cheetoh and Mountain Dew flavor, of course.
Also, as far as liberal horror movies go, who needs ’em? We’ve had the last eight years to live through.
I love how, in the Cloverfield and Silence of the Lambs comments, he praises the military and law enforcement, then turns around and talks about how you cannot trust government in a crisis. I guess law enforcement and military functions are not something a government does.
Definitely a JACA (Just Another Conservative Asshole).
Just to be an asshole, I’d like to point out that Invasion of the Body Snatchers is not so much a polemic against Commies as it is against the mindless conformity of postwar suburban life. You know, “go to sleep, become one of us”, etc. (Same goes for the Philip Kaufman version from the 70’s, which I actually prefer to be honest.) The Thing (the original Howard Hawks version, specifically) works better: ruff ‘n’ tuff army guys against a bloodthirsty menace what’s being mollycoddled by the eggheads. Anyway, this probably belonged nearer to the top, hum de doo…
ZRM–I’m just sayin’ that maybe you should think about converting to vampirism, is all.
Actually, I just get bitter when stuff I like becomes hipster-cool. Fuckers already did it with robots and are doing it with zombies.
BTW, bacon is next. Just watch.
Robots were cool? How come nobody told me?
Brussell sprouts on pizza.
This is my own personal horror movie I’m describing, not necessarily a conservative one.
It’s FICTION, Looch.
**Packs up sound gear, Zombie-proof blind, infrared camera and cauliflower**
Brussell sprouts on pizza.
Eeeeevil!
BTW, bacon is next. Just watch.
Micro-smokeries. Vanilla-imbued Lite Bacon. Home bacon kits.
The mind reels…
Actually, there is a smokehouse/butcher near us that does all sorts of cool stuff. The smoked chicken is to die for. Looking at dropping some serious cash there to fill the freezer.
Attention slowpoke.
Robots were cool? How come nobody told me?
Mostly just the cutesy ones and the steampunk ones. You really didn’t miss much.
Micro-smokeries. Vanilla-imbued Lite Bacon. Home bacon kits.
Heh. Mr. T&U makes bacon once or twice a year.* I think you just gave me an idea for a business venture.
*This is quite dangerous, but my cholesterol levels are very good somehow.
ZRM–I’m just sayin’ that maybe you should think about converting to vampirism, is all.
Ummm, I don’t think it works that way.
Actually, I just get bitter when stuff I like becomes hipster-cool. Fuckers already did it with robots and are doing it with zombies.
What about Hipster Zombeez?
Attention slowpoke.
Shit! Totally going to have to turn in my Cool Badge.
What about Hipster Zombeez?
Oooh, thanks for the Halloween costume idea!
Robots were big, but now that they’re unfashionable again, you can enjoy them non-ironically.
Unless of course the Astro-Boy movie is popular. (Gigantor next?)
Pride and Prejudice and John Stuart Mill:
It is a truth universally acknowledged, that stupid people are generally Conservative.
Heh. Mr. T&U makes bacon once or twice a year.
I had a home-made smoker (a 55-gallon drum for fuel and smoke material with a kettle BBQ attached to the top). Did turkeys, ribs and chicken in it using different woods for smoke flavor (apple, cherry, hickory). I think the key is to brine the meat beforehand. It gives it flavor and keeps it from drying out too much.
Hip-hop or rapper zombies would also make a good costume.
I went one year as Devil in a Blue Dress – it was a real Mrs. Cleaver dress too, and I wore oven mitts along with the horns, tail and of course pearls and high-heel pumps. Kind of like Serial Mom with horns.
Probably the most creative costume I ever did was one year when I was pretty broke, I bought a plastic T Rex dinosaur for like a dollar, and a cheap men’s Hanes undershirt and some vampire blood, duct-taped the dinosaur to my belly, put on the shirt, cut a whole in it and poked T. Rex’s head and upper body through, and squirted it all down with vampire blood.
I was “chest-burster dude from Alien.”
This was not the bacon image I was looking for.
There are more than one. (Which says somerthing …)
WARNING: My not be safe for wage-slaves. Safe Search is Off.
(Hey, losing the quote marks from the links really works!!)
“My” is definitely not safe. “May” not be either.
What about Hipster Zombeez?
Redundant.
I had a home-made smoker
I was going to suggest smoking malt to make your own Rauchbier, but perhaps we should wait to read Mr Hawkins’ list of 5 Conservative Beers.
This was not the bacon image I was looking for.
Is that entirely kosher?
This was not the bacon image I was looking for.
As a gay vegetarian, that image makes me nonplussed, to say the least.
See, there’s just no justice. She slaps on a few strips of bacon in lieu of a bra and her image is splashed across the Interducts.* I improvise a posing pouch from a few leftover sausage casings, and do I get any recognition? Do I bog-roll.
* Shut up.
Is that entirely kosher?
It’s entirely unkosher. Even if it weren’t pork, fleishig and milchig together?!!
It occurred to me during my just completed afternoon nap that the top conservative horror mover should be Parts – The Clonus Horror. The first 3/4 of it anyway.
movie, too.
Shit, now I’m picturing John Hurt with boobs. This may be the end for me. Thanks a lot, Jennifer!
That’s what Lauren Bacall looked like: John Hurt with boobs! Her appeal always escaped me—now I know why.
The effect was completely campy. Costume WIN.
Even if it weren’t pork, fleishig and milchig together?!!
It is probably all for the best that my idea of the Live Lobster Bra did not get the green light from the Frau Doktorin.
In case there’s anyone out there who STILL thinks that robots are cool, I present to you my favorite game, RoboRally (sorry for the non-cool linkage).
http://www.wizards.com/default.asp?x=ah/prod/roborally
Also, remember Glenn Reynolds wants to be a robot.
Just to be an asshole, I’d like to point out that Invasion of the Body Snatchers is not so much a polemic against Commies as it is against the mindless conformity of postwar suburban life.
I always thought IotBS worked because it used one of the all-time great metaphors: Compelling, yet so vague that you can read almost anything into it.
It is probably all for the best that my idea of the Live Lobster Bra did not get the green light from the Frau Doktorin.
Are you kidding, it’s a GREAT idea: train them to be pinchy little guard-lobsters and call them “Booby Traps.”
OT, and not that you were going to do it anyway, but if you’re in Minnesota don’t drink bong water.
Freshman year in college, a dude down the dorm hall poured Mad Dog into his bong and passed it around heavily for a week, then drank the resulting infusion.
Hey, it was the ’70s.
Anyone for pizza?
Hey, it was the ’70s.
I saw similar behavior in the 80s, only with cheap tequila instead of MD. Sadly, crazy belongs to no particular decade.
Anyone for pizza?
I went to the local specialty pizza joint to try the Deep-Dish Corn Dog pizza. They had it, but it was a thin-crust thing – the deep dish was for catching the vomit.
Anyone for crushed dog-whelk pizza?
They do put corn on pizza in Japan, you know. Gimme a GMO corn pizza and a frosty six of Coors and I’m good for the night… say, crushed Cheetos would probably make a good au gratin topping, right? Cheese and crumbs, right there in one convenient package!
In the Ukraine as well. Plus lemon slices. With seeds and peels intact.
Teh original Booby trap.
In the Ukraine as well.
Is that where they sell Fuckbum?
Ukranian eggs do evince a hallucinogenic influence. What on earth do they feed their chickens?
Just to be an asshole, I’d like to point out that Invasion of the Body Snatchers is not so much a polemic against Commies as it is against the mindless conformity of postwar suburban life. You know, “go to sleep, become one of us”, etc. (Same goes for the Philip Kaufman version from the 70’s, which I actually prefer to be honest.)
Strange, I thought the 1978 film had a rather different subtext: life in large urban centers had gotten so many people estranged from their neighbors that large numbers of citizens got replaced without anyone really noticing.
Is that where they sell Fuckbum?
This must be the Ural Sex that I hear so much about.
This must be the Ural Sex that I hear so much about.
Yes. Now available in grocery stores!
Oh, and is this pizza conservative or not?
An iPhone app? Hmm…what is the “litmus test” on that? Every Apple product you see on TV still has to have a sticker over the logo because Apple contributed 100 grand to “No on 8” over a year ago. (of course, so did Google, but they’re OK, apparently.) On the other hand, Karl Rove was an early adopter of the iPhone and Rush Limbaugh is a fanatical Apple fan. I’m quite confused as to the over/under on this, and of course that means I can’t do anything till someone tells me whether it’s conservative enough.
Hey, if you’re going to go as crazy-violent as Re-Animator, why not the Evil Dead 2/Army of Darkness double feature? Lots of conservative values there. “Stupid liberal college professor unleashes ultimate evil on the earth, and plucky everyman Ash Williams uses good old Amercian firepower and manly, brush-clearin’ chainsaws to fight back!”
On the subject of horror/rom’com mashups, i’m a bit alarmed by the idea i’m the only one who’s seen this:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zombie_Honeymoon
The ultimate conservative horror movie: reruns of 2008 election coverage.
BTW, bacon is next. Just watch.
That ship done sailed. I’m about halfway through a bacon-themed zombie story. No bullshit.
Don’t most horror films involve monsters killing promiscuous teenagers? How is that not conservative?
I think the main problem for conservatives is that in films like Dracula (where an aristocrat gorges on the blood of his victims) and American Psycho (where a yuppie chops up women and homeless people), they have a very hard time figuring out who the bad guy is.
I’m surprised Hostel 2 didn’t make the conservative horror movie list. It’s the bare conservative id in a two hour nutshell: survival is a matter of wealth.
(Of course, the only survivor cutting off her tormentor’s dick might have something to do with conservatives running the other way….)
@Jennifer:
Halloween as Mrs. Cleaver is fun if you couple 1950s attitudes with the clothes. How things really were back then is scary to people who have a Republican view of the era.
We effete European types sneer at “Zombie Honeymoon” and watch “Trouble Every Day” instead.
Godzilla: Anti-nuclear or pro-construction industry subsidy?
I believe virtualy every horror film that MST3K covered should be considered “conservative horror films”. They have little or no gore or nudity and also have the added bonus of being loaded with the FAIL that the conservatards seem to love so much.
There’s a local frozen pizza maker who makes one called White Garlic, it’s actually pretty good, and a nice non-tomato-sauce alternative once in a while.
Not that I’d want to eat it with John Hawkins; he’s one of those fellows that you have to break down and tell, “John, I don’t care what score it got on Rotten Tomatoes, I’m busy that night. I’m always busy.”
“Fundamentally decent FBI agents match wits with one of the great horror villains of all-time, Hannibal Lecter, ”
I thought Jodie Foster is a lesbo. How can that be conservative?
Predator is a conservative film: Illegal Alien gets shot and killed by authorities. What’s not to love for a teabagger?
Day or two late, as is wont for zombies, and lame like I dropped a leg, but my own satire is here: http://empireofthesenseless.blogspot.com/2009/10/guilty-pleasures.html
(following thundra’s footsteps)
Hmm, when I first read this I thought I might make a joke about conservative horror films, but I can see that the theme has some detractors around here, so I had better make a point about liberal horror movies:
1. George A. Romero’s Living Dead series: Almost all of these movies are socially conscious, and almost all have a strong socialist message. In the old living dead movies, the zombies aren’t much of a threat. If people would just pull together, they could survive and turn back the threat of the zombies. Racial issues are a common thread in all, and Dennis Hoppers character in Land of the Dead is specifically modelled on Donald Rumsfeld. ( http://www.subtletea.com/landofthedeadreview.htm )
2. 28 Days Later: When the movie starts out, it might seem that the animal rights activists who release the chimps is some anti-liberal commentary. However, as my brother points out, “Why was the lab turning the chimps into monster’s ‘infected with rage’ in the first place?” There are other liberal themes throughout, for example see how the military behave.
3. Aliens Series: The Weyland-Yuanti corporation wants alien DNA to create bio-weapons. If a few people, or a whole colony have to be sacrificed for corporate profits, well that’s the cost of doing business. It’s an Ayn Rand utopia, corporations are the government.
4. The Shining: In the movie the Shining, Kubrick is making a subtle point about the Native American genocide. Hey, not everyone will hit you with an anvil when making a point. ( http://www.drummerman.net/shining/essays.html )
In honor of the Japanese “cursed number” I’ll leave it at 4. Lot’s of horror movies have a political perspective either purposefully or reflecting the predjudices of those who created it. Much as I love Lovecraft, he was a reactionary racist and those themes creep into his stories from time to time. Stephen King is pretty far to the left, and occaisionally hits me with a left wing anvil so unsubtly in his stories that I go “Ok, Stephen, I get it!”
“Here’s the problem: horror films aren’t family friendly. They’re gory, they’re violent, and they’re vulgar.”
But since I’m a conservative and don’t know the meaning of the word “hypocrisy,” I’ll suggest a few non-family-friendly, gory, violent, and vulgar flicks that I’ve enjoyed watching while demonizing liberals as vulgar and anti-family…
Hmmm…I never got the ‘far left” aspect of King’s work, although I stopped reading him about the time he decided he didn’t need an editor for his 800-page works of self-indulgence. What turned me off was his mailing it in after making his fortune.
Top 5 Conservative Ogden Nash poems:
On proper parenting:
On the decline of morality in pop culture:
On the virtue of capitalism:
On not engaging in risky behavior:
And, finally, on the decline of Western morality:
I actually read the list. It starts with Cloverfield where the military/government bravely fights a giant monster (patriotism!). On page two it has Quarantine where the military/government are incompetent and can’t be counted on to save the main characters so it shows how you need rely on yourself to get out of trouble and not the government (conservative values!).
It is simply unpossible to parody these clowns! UNPOSSIBLE I SAY! PENIS! ALSO!