Sadly, No!

There once was an evil king who shoveled all his subjects’ dignity into a roaring bonfire, and his name was Brea King.

Baba Tim, Big Government:
BREAKING** Milblogger Baba Tim: Sources Confirm Pakistanis Have Captured Mullah Omar

From the noted miliblogging site Free Range International comes this confirmation of Big Government and Big Journalism’s exclusive story by Brad Thor about the capture by Pakistani authorities of Mullah Omar:

Which brings me to my final topic

Now that’s burying the lede!

and it is not something Americans should be happy about.

Happy, you say.

I have been hearing for weeks

Earring, you say.

rumors about the detention of this guy:

Rumours, you say.

Detention, you say.

Forsooth, when Brea King is finished with Brad Thor and company, it’ll be time for a long journey through the lands of his brothers Drin and Wan.

ABOVE: Andy McCarthy, Patriot

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Cornerdomite Andy McCarthy thinks that he’s the best U.S. Attorney ever, even though his single accomplishment was shooting a blind sheikh in a barrel and even though he is now reduced to collecting wingnut welfare for flapping his gums about his glory day in that single case. As part of his duty as self-proclaimed best U.S. attorney ever, McCarthy has been conducting a blog jihad against Eric Holder. McCarthy’s latest car bomb in his jihad is a post at America’s Shittiest Website™ titled “The Most Transparently Irresponsible Administration in American History.” (The effect of that title would have been complete if McCarthy had only appended “!!!!1!!11!” to it at the end.)

The whooshing sound that you are now hearing is a collective sigh of relief emanating from the graves of Ulysses S. Grant, Warren Harding, and Richard Nixon, all relieved to have been finally outpaced in their own transparent irresponsibility by the Obama Administration in little more than a year.

So what outrage justified McCarthy to slobber out a post naming the Obama administration as one of the most irresponsible administrations in the history of the United States? Did Eric Holder burglarize the Republican National Committee Headquarters last night? Did any Obama appointees skim off millions of dollars of tax revenue from the government to their own financial gain? Did Ken Salazar just take a bribe to award public oil concessions? Did Obama lie about the threat posed by a country before invading it and killing thousands of U.S. soldiers and untold hundreds of thousands of innocent civilians?

Er, no. Eric Holder said something about the Arizona “Show Me Your Papers” law without having read the text of the law itself and based only on what he had read about the law in the newspapers. Of course, even though The Bestest U.S. Attorney Ever had himself not read a word of the health care reform legislation, much less all thousand pages of it, and had only read about it in the newspapers (if that), this did not stop him from spouting off about that legislation. No indeedy, not so much and no siree Bob! McCarthy called it “socialized medicine” and then later called it “rationing and death panels.”

Showing off one of the awesome tricks he learned as the Best U.S. Attorney Ever, McCarthy doesn’t reveal all of the exculpatory evidence in his possession about the Holder statement. According to McCarthy’s evidence linky, but unmentioned by McCarthy, Holder went on to say that this meant his opinion on the bill was not yet finalized precisely because he had only read about it in the newspapers and that he will have read it all, each and every word, before coming to a final conclusion.

Mr. Holder is conducting a review of the law, at President Obama’s request, to see if the federal government should challenge it in court. He said he expects he will read the law by the time his staff briefs him on their conclusions.

“I’ve just expressed concerns on the basis of what I’ve heard about the law. But I’m not in a position to say at this point, not having read the law, not having had the chance to interact with people are doing the review, exactly what my position is,” Mr. Holder told the House Judiciary Committee.

Oddly, Mr. McCarthy didn’t append that little qualification to his own nonsense about rationing, death panels and socialized medicine. Nope. I suppose that makes McCarthy the most transparently irresponsible blogger in the history of blogging. Or, I suppose, it just makes him a gigantic douchebag.

Erick Erickson, RedState:
BREAKING: We Have Elena Kagan’s College Thesis

This proves Elena Kagan is an open and avowed socialist. The woman declares that socialists must stick together instead of fracture in order to advance a socialist agenda, which Kagan advocates. 1

Is that a footnote? It is one! It’s a footnote that takes you about two inches down the page, like the water slide for little kids at Action Park. You know, we invented those.¹

A footnote. This is like having Erickson’s college thesis, if there were any such requirement over at John Birch University.²

You can see for yourself right here (PDF).³ Keep in mind that Kagan wrote her thesis at the height of the cold war praising a group that collaborated with our enemies

Collaborated, corroborated; comporting, cavorting; breach, broach; stanch, staunch — inconceivable.

Here, courtesy of Doug “Not Frank” Ross are the worst, indeed the socialest passages from Kagan’s college thesis, which also positively identify her as ‘a radical.’

We learn as well from Ross that she’s a ‘crypto-Marxist,’ as if writing a whole, entire thesis about the collapse of the Socialist Party of the early 20th Century wouldn’t ordinarily clear up some of the possibilities, Marxwise. Isn’t she, like, the open and avowed socialist and radical kind?

If not, then chillingly, the answer may reside here…or even here.

1. I’m getting blowback on this statement. When you couple Kagan’s thesis with her op-eds in the 80’s and her later work, I think it is a complete and fair statement. Look at the forest, not the trees.

There is unrest in the forest. There is trouble with the trees.

Tintin adds: EXCLUSIVE! We have found Erick Erickson’s senior thesis at Mercer University

Be still my beating colon:

Brad Thor, Big Government:
BREAKING: Oliver North Confirms Mullah Omar Capture

Late this afternoon Lt. Colonel Oliver North confirmed that Taliban leader and Osama bin Laden ally, Mullah Mohammed Omar has been captured. The exclusive news of Omar’s capture was broken by Big Government Monday evening.

According to Colonel North, Omar was picked up in Karachi on March 27th by the Pakistani Inter-Services Intelligence Directorate (ISI) who placed him under house arrest in what they call “community care.”

Per North’s sources, “[Omar] has since been transferred to a secret ISI lock-up under the Pakistani euphemism: “institutional care.”

North goes on to state, “According to several reports, all of this information was confirmed to U.S. officials by a senior Pakistani military officer ‘several weeks ago.’” A fact also broken in Monday’s Big Government exclusive.

Last weekend, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton created a “diplomatic firestorm” when she…

We didn’t know you could be like, “Breaking — somebody published a column here earlier today.” But hey, we also didn’t know that a perjurer reciting the phrase, “according to several reports,” could be relied upon to send a genuine fact fluttering down to land on your finger or other perpendicular appendage.

For that matter, we never thought of a fact as a thing that might be broken in an exclusive, but rather as something like a Lego piece with which you can build a story — if a story were something made of…um, ah, right, I guess I walked straight into that one.

So, let’s see what North actually said.

Last month, while I was still in Afghanistan, rumors were circulating that the ISI had detained Mullah Omar in Karachi on March 27, and placed him under house arrest in what they call “community care.”

Oh, because here’s something cool: If you blink in time with that phrase, like blink — blink — blink — , and then switch to the downbeat, like [-ink] blink [-ink] blink, [-ink] blink, it’s like you’re reading Brad Thor’s breaking, sticky exclusive again, and there’s nothing visible that gives the original source of the story as “rumors were circulating.”

Back to that:

In light of this confirmation of Mullah Omar’s apprehension, a whole new set of questions now arise and have already started being asked around Washington. In particular, who knew what and when did they know it?

Brad Thor knew he was cooked right around Tuesday evening? Oliver North ‘knew’ Frank Ross in the drawing room with a candlestick? We knew better before we even got here? Yes, questions. A whole new set of questions now arises about these questions. But ah! In particular, who will ask what, and when will they ask it?

The Omar capture is only the tip of the iceberg. Expect to hear a lot more in the days and weeks to come.

This seems about right. As long as a wingnut keeps talking, technically he isn’t wrong yet.

Where have you gone, Joe DiMaggio,

Frank Ross, Big Government:
‘The Nation’ Turns a Lonely Eye To Big Mullah Omar Scoop

Woop-woop-woop.¹

Not surprisingly, the country’s oldest continuously published magazine, The Nation, is turning a jaundiced eye toward Brad Thor’s explosive scoop that the notorious Mullah Omar has been captured.

Always turning, this jaundiced and lonely eye. But let’s return to the practical for a moment. Brad Thor’s Explosive Scoop sounds like a detonation of dog waste and raisins, but if they put out an album, Pitchfork would totally review it. I’m just saying: Brad Thor doesn’t have to actually be in the band any more than Jefferson had to be in Starship, and I play drums a bit, so…

Originally an abolitionist broadsheet, The Nation has evolved into the most radical leftist publication in the U.S.; among its more notable moments was the publication in 1966 of the Cloward-Piven strategy for social destabilization.

And we all know what havoc Clowntard-Piven wreaked. Okay, he got me: I’m going to go look it up.²

The Nation isn’t even the most radical leftist publication in Barnes & Noble, but it’s certainly more ‘leftist’ than The New Republic, and to a Ross (or whatever his real name is), those are just two ways of saying the same thing. One of these days, and he’ll never know how, Ross will wake up to find the exact, fence-straddling middle of his mainstream occupied by The Weekly Standard, with Newsmax as a scrappy investigative entity daringly going after tomorrow’s headlines.

In that light, consider Jeremy Scahill’s recent screed, “(Not) Much Ado About Mullah Omar.”

I’ve been writing screeds for years and still don’t know what that word means, although I’ve long suspected in a vague way that it’s from the Norse, like ‘ski,’ ‘sky,’ and ‘skræling,’ as well as possibly ‘Scahill,’ so he got me: I’m going to go look it up.³

Also, title. The editors might supply these at The Nation, but how long would it have taken to come up with ‘Mullah it Over’ or even ‘Belly Up to Omar, Boys’? Eight seconds, that’s how long it takes to avoid a high-school-level Shakespeare pun by our measurements.

And it only takes four seconds to also avoid an Unsinkable Molly Brown pun. Think about it. No, think about it.

While Scahill might think it’s good journalism to bury the lead, we don’t. So let’s get right to it, shall we?

The lede? Oh right, what were we talking about again?

In his rush to criticize Brad Thor’s reporting that Mullah Omar has been captured, he waits until the middle of his piece before admitting:

I wouldn’t even be bothering to look into this now if I had not heard some parallel buzz about these rumors from military sources I actually trust.

But before Scahill gets to this nugget, he engages in some traditional liberal nihilism. Unable to attack the message, which he admits he has heard “parallel buzz” on, he attacks the messengers, saying:

It is a bit hard to believe that such a major development would have been leaked to a right-wing novelist with a name out of a Nordic porno, who is a regular contributor to Glenn Beck’s show, for publication on Andrew Breitbart’s web sites.

In some alternate world where ‘hearing buzz about rumors’ is the same thing as ‘reporting,’ some alternate Scahill’s ears are red now.

Even in this alternate world, it is hard to believe that such a major development as this would have been leaked to a right-wing novelist who is a regular contributor to Glenn Beck’s show, for publication on Andrew Breitbart’s web sites. The difference is that the novelist is not Brad Thor, but Jerkki Fäppalawänkkala, the Finnish author of right-wing cowboy, U-boat, and gladiator novels. The alternate Brad Thor is still named Brad Firbanks, and lacking the outlet of writing, bowls furiously on Thursday and Sunday evenings and is bitterly overinvolved in the HO-gauge model railroading community.

Scahill also conveys another telling item in support of Thor’s story:

No one is confirming anything at all, but I am told there are some pretty unenthusiastic denials making their way through the special forces world.

Really? Well, if Scahill has special forces sources,

SONG: “Special Forces Sources” sung by Ross and the Apollo Bicycles.⁴

and bases his reporting on them, then those SF sources must be good! Right?

I’m not even following the logical fallacies here, but apparently what happened was that Scahill dishonestly downplayed these rumors he heard, causing the rumors to gain all of Scahill’s credibility as a reporter and give it to Thor.

In fact, it would appear Thor and Scahill have very similar sources:

In fact, ‘it would appear’ is a phrase that reporters are taught to use in order to avoid the ambiguity of statements like ‘Scahill said’:

As for Thor, he has spent time with US special forces in Afghanistan–he claims they were a “black-ops team”– and may very well keep up some relationships with those men.

SONG: “Black Ops,” sung by Joe Bennett and the Sparkletones.

So are we to believe that Scahill’s military/SF sources are somehow more trustworthy than Thor’s? It would seem that Scahill reluctantly concedes that Thor’s sources are of value when, alluding to them, he says:

This would be the only way Thor has this story remotely right: If, by chance, he happens to know people on the ground who are in a very small, compartmentalized loop on this.

Aw, but let’s not let that get in the way. No one in his right mind should trust a best-selling novelist with a name out of a Nordic porno, who is a regular contributor to Glenn Beck’s show and publishes on Andrew Breitbart’s web sites.

Titlewise, our imagined summary post on this affair is now a tossup between ‘Thor Loser’ and ‘Wanknarök’ — although it really just keeps opening up, doesn’t it?

Above: The Yolk’s on Erik

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For quite some time, there has been considerable debate about how many errors Erick “Bubba Bubbason” Erickson could stuff into one single blog post and now the answer turns out to be a whole shitload more than anyone ever imagined.

How exactly is Elena Kagan’s appointment to the Supreme Court going to make the Court “more representative”? … The woman is replacing the last of the military veterans on the United States Supreme Court.

Sadly, etc., etc., etc. Justice Alito was commissioned as a Second Lieutenant in the Army Signal Corps and served on active duty in 1975. Justice Kennedy joined the California Army National Guard in 1961.

One might think, given the military issues that will undoubtedly come before the Supreme Court in the next few years that it might actually be good to have a veteran on the Court.

I’m not sure what military issues Bubba Bubbason thinks will come before the Supreme Court. Perhaps he imagines that the Court will need to decide the best kind of missile to put on a drone or whether the Marines should attack a Taliban training camp from the north or the south.

More importantly, if military service is so important, we should take a look at Bubba’s military record (shown after the jump).

Read the rest of this entry »

ABOVE: Andy “The Barebacking* Bear” Sullivan,
aka “PowerGlutes”

Shorter Andrew Sullivan, The Daily Bitch:
The Evolving Politics And Ethics Of The Closet

• I am completely opposed to outing anti-gay bigots who get caught being gay in airports. However, the sexual orientation of everyone else, including Elena Kagan, is fair game, particularly if there are a bunch of Google searches consisting of that person’s name and “gay,” “fag” or “lesbian.”

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

ABOVE: Robert Stacy McCain (an imaginary
reconstruction of McCain’s favorite pastime)

Shorter Robert Stacy McCain, The White Supremacist McCain:
Lesbian Elena Kagan Will Be Nominated by Obama; Gayest SCOTUS Evah!

• The reason I keep pointing out that Elena Kagan is lesbianatical lesbyterian lesbian bull dyke lesbo who is butcher than Rosie O’Donnell at a WNBA game is to prove that conservatives don’t care at all whether Kagan is a lesbian or not. It’s only bigoted liberals who think that there’s anything wrong with being gay. Oh, and did I mention that Kagan is a LESBIAN?

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

ABOVE: M. Edward Whelan III. (If you think this Photoshop of Whelan
is an exaggeration, click here.)

Shorter M. Edward Whelan III, J.D., Esq., America’s Shittiest Website™
Supreme Court Nominee Elena Kagan

• Incompetent, elitist dyke.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™