Sadly, No!

ABOVE: Cliff Kincaid

Shorter Cliff Kincaid, Asshattery in Media
Corporal Klinger and the Barney Frank Brigade

• One of the goals behind repealing DADT is to change the standard military combat uniform to a flouncy sun dress. The other goal is forced universal transfusions with tainted ghey blood.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

ABOVE: Back Cover of John Derbyshire, Prime Obsession

Shorter John “Humbert Humbert” Derbyshire,* America’s Shittiest Website™
Martin Gardner, R.I.P.

• The recently deceased Martin Gardner was such a swell guy. When he was too old and too sick to read my book Prime Obsession he said (and now you can’t prove otherwise!) that I could write whatever blurb I wanted to under his name and put it on my book. So I did. My only regret now is that I didn’t add something in the Gardner blurb about my enormous penis. You know, for the benefit of the young girls, er, ladies.

[Thanks, Tom!]

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

*Cf.

ABOVE: Elizabeth Scalia,* The “Anchoress”

Shorter Sister Elizabeth Mary Magdalene Immaculata Scalia, O.C., The Anchoress
Lost: ************************** (no link to the post)**

• Just to prove that I’m a selfish, mean-spirited, pseudo-Christian fucknozzle douchebag, let me put a Lost spoiler in the title to my post on the series finale. You fuckers who meant to watch it later on TiVo should be saying the rosary and not wasting your time watching the TeeVee.

UPDATE: Okay, I’ve now watched the series finale on my TiVo and, as it turns out, the Anchoress’s spoiler wasn’t a spoiler at all. It’s as if she revealed that Marion’s sister Lila was the real murderer in Psycho. I apologize to everyone for momentarily imagining that the Anchoress could follow a plot.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

Shorter Brent Vanderbozo III, Clown Hall
A Global Sports Problem

• The problem with international sports competitions is that they enable men to travel to foreign countries to have sex with prostitutes.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

 
Imagine finding out that your two favorite bands have been seeing each other behind your back the whole time.

ABOVE: Hillbuzzer Kevin Dujan

Shorter Kevin “Fashion Plate” Doucheman*, Hillscuzz
Who’s Dressed Better? The First Spouse, or Whitney Houston?

• Even a crack ho is better dressed than Michelle Obama.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

ABOVE: Rand Paul

Shorter Rand Paul, Rachel Maddow Show
Rand Paul on Civil, Federal and Business Rights

• If you tell a restaurant that they must serve Negroes then you can tell them that they must also serve drug dealers with guns, although that pretty much amounts to the same thing.

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

ABOVE: Actual honest-to-God I-swear-on-a-stack-of-Bibles
picture of Alyssa Cordova which she voluntarily used as her
profile picture on her own Facebook page. (No Photoshop used.)

Alyssa Cordova¹, Human Wingnuts Online:
Scalia Represents Women Better than Kagan²

• Justice Scalia is more pro-woman than Elena Kagan because he believes in the First Amendment rights of corporations and the Second Amendment right to carry a concealed handgun and she does not.

Alyssa Cordova¹, Human Wingnuts Online:
Undercover Study Shows Students Prone to Socialism

• Redistributing grade point averages from smart students to dumb students is exactly like socialism. Ninety percent of students I polled thought redistributing GPAs was a bad idea, but one student I talked to thought redistributing income was okay. This proves that all students are stupid hypocrites who favor economic socialism even though they wouldn’t apply that to their own GPAs.

Alyssa Cordova¹, Human Wingnuts Online:
Liberals Use The Free Market to Boycott…The Free Market

• Liberals, who hate the free market that brings them their Birkenstocks, are the ultimate hypocrites. Without the free market they couldn’t boycott Whole Foods because there would be only one food store and THEY WOULD STARVE TO DEATH if they boycotted it!!!!! Bazinga!

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

ABOVE: Big hands mean big . . . gloves? The white guy is GAY and is
taking the woman home for jazz hand lessons and appletinis.

---

Over at the American Thinker Brain Trust someone who calls herself “Robin of Berkeley,” obviously a close relative of “Frederick of Hollywood,” has discovered that the problem with the Obama administration was that he was elected only because he was a hot black throbbing mantower of burning love.

When pundits analyze why the masses flocked to the untested, mysterious Obama, they cite the usual suspects: anger at George Bush, white guilt, desire for some elusive change. But there’s a missing ingredient here: sex.

I can already see that this column is not going to end well and that it will only be a matter of time before “Robin of Berkeley” works crack cocaine, teen fisting, gay marriage and shemales into her discussion.

Now I didn’t vote for Obama.

Big fucking surprise, that.

When I see the dude, I ache, but not out of lust. However, millions have fallen under his spell and remain smitten.

Just yesterday as I walked by the White House I saw three sex-crazed young women tear off their clothes and try to scale the fence in the heat of Obama lust before they were stopped by the Secret Service.

For a long while, it wasn’t safe to wander over to a store’s magazine section. Every other magazine, from Newsweek to Men’s Health, featured Barack’s well-toned bod.

Not to mention the Calvin Klein underwear ad that Obama did for a billboard in Times Square and that revealing guest appearance that Obama did with Adam Ramrod on the Bad Puppy website or with the Czech twin brothers over at Bel Ami.

Some of my friends started acting like pre-teens when the O word was mentioned. My chum Wendy literally kissed her Obama bumper sticker right before my unbelieving eyes.

That’s the first time a bumper sticker has ever been seen as a veiled penis reference but, hey, “Robin of Berkeley” claims to be a psychotherapist and she writes for a web site known for, in equal measure, delusional thinking and cognitive disabilities

Of course the press sold Obama like the newest form of crack, getting the public fixated on his every word. The same media that stalks Angelina and Paris anointed Obama the ultimate celebrity. And to the addicted masses, entranced by leering reality shows and 24/7 texting, the Obama Show was just another sexually charged extravaganza.

Crack cocaine reference: check

From the moment he arrived on the scene, Obama sent out a sexual tone. Suddenly, sexuality is in our faces, whether it’s gay marriage, queering school kids, or elevating the transgendered to high places in government.

Gay marriage, teen fisting and shemales: check, check and check.

As conservatives, we have to figure out some way to snap the Obama Girls and Boys out of their virtual realities.

How ’bout, say, learning what’s meant by a “virtual reality” in the first place? Then I am certain that writing bunches of articles on the Internet about the Obamaschlong, his pecs and gay stuff will do the trick and will cause all the Obama Boys and Girls to join up with the legions of conservatives who all love Sarah Palin solely for her keen intellect. (VMILFR.)

ABOVE: Bob Owens demonstrates his own patented method of
self-defense

Shorter Bob Owens, Confederate Wanker
Left-Wing Think Progress Advocates Stripping Citizens of Constitutional Rights Without Benefit of Trial, Conviction, or Notice of Even Being A Suspect or Any Other Kind of Goll-durned Notice and Not Even with the Chance to Sit Down and Sip on a R.C. While Enjoying a Slim Jim or Some Pork Rinds Like They Sell at the QuikMart on Highway 12 You Know the Ones With Bacon and Barbecue Flavors and Caddy Smells Like Trees

• When guns for terrorists are outlawed, only outlaws will have terrorists.

  Guns don’t kill people, terrorists do.

  Terrorists don’t kill people, guns do.

  Aw, fuckit. Guns for everyone!

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™