Sadly, No!

Move over Sarah Palin and Barack Obama! Your boob job and butt lift is so yesterday’s news! Now comes the shocking news that Alaska First Dude Todd Palin has augmented his grey matter with cybernetic brain implants! The shocking before and after photos are here!

Todd Palin just a few weeks or months or years ago:

And this just in! An amateur Alaskan shutterbug captures Todd – or should we say the Toddbot 3000 – out for a jaunt on his beloved ‘snow machine’ earlier today!

Oh, Todd! We liked you so much better when you were a brainless hunk of wingnut eye candy! The vacant stare and inability to string a sentence together were part of your charm — or all of it! Dumb, hot and knocking up Sarah Palin was what America fell in love with, First Dude! Alas, we fear that your positronic implants may actually have vaulted your IQ into the mid-double digits as this never-before-seen close-up of augmented Todd Palin seems to show!

Oh, you RedState people and your blowing of goats and chances.

Neil Stevens, RedState:
California results

Bus stops

Bee stings

Robert burns

…So it’s titles, is it?

Happy the man

Man Eating Chicken Chased By Dogs

Um, Half Machine Lip Moves, Another The Letter.¹

With 17% reporting:

Sure. Yet there’s no need for concern, RedStater, for it is only a man who is eating chicken out of a bucket, and it is fortunately not a gigantic chicken that is eaty to humans, nor even all that nibbly as far as anybody has said. The wording was ambiguous — i.e. didn’t specify as to how big. So we can all relax and watch the chase go around and around and up the stairs, with the dogs, and back down in the dumb waiter, and out the laundry chute, and around.

Although, sir, as I enjoy with you this spectacle, I find that I am still wondering: California results from what causative processes, specifically? Because under that title are given results that are from California, and nowhere a formula or series of steps for causing another one to result.

I mean, I’m thinking what you might call Total Recall, ha-ha pun intended, but you couldn’t just spirit away the current California late one night and neglect to replace it with a fresh one. People live there and keep there stuff there, and stuff. Plus, can you cause one by accident, and if this happens and they know it was you, how much trouble do you get in (1-10)? Anyway, it’s just something I’ve been wondering about since you mentioned it.

Yes, friends, we can rejoice that Orly Taitz, exalted birtherlord, is being rejected tonight

‘Birtherlord,’ aah, pff. I am a mocker of you, thou narrow-eyed and scowl-traced player upon the RedState failmonica or failkulele. For in such playing your hands are as giant thumbs, clumsy with thumbs and toes all over them, each in this way resembling a thumby, toey sea anemone, sightlesssly tentacular in its stub-thumbery.

Yes, and now we’re getting somewhere, eh? For it is by just such blunt and jointed pokings, in a figurative sense, that words literally arranged by you — with ‘literally’ here used in its own rare literal sense, to denote plain, overt language without witting metaphor, and not in the usual figurative sense of something being to some degree objectively true — woot, bitchuz — that are these from which the bringing of that to me… is… Because where it situates the locus of the present um, heh. Well.

So there you see what happens. Maybe I’m a moron, but I gave you a less-on, so reason your way out of that, and I’ll be down in that paragraph below or some other one. If there’s a special club paragraph with a bar in it, like the commuter trains used to have, that would be the place to look.

Uh, “that are these from the bringing…?” Oog. What, you again? Enough of this foolishness. It is as if the air were my soup bowl and you were dropping a literal Soup Nazi into it, such that it is not infrequent that I now find the gentle wend of my thinking diverted by a perfervid Heiling to the Soup Hitler. Your ears are as kazoos of tin, reeded with crumpliest foil of tin.

You are become Shiva, bother of me, O! RedState. Of your even botherer and botherest moments, chez me,  I stand aghast, or realistically stand even at least three or four ghasts, right up in the middle of the room here, as you see, almost like they were chatting at a party. It’s like, whoah. I’ve even got to go sit down for a second, it’s just so, oh man, like ¡Ay, caramba! Heh-heh. No, I mean it’s just, wow.

Hi, me again. You know, lots of times throughout life, you see people being all like, “Blar-har-har. I’m gonna teach you a lesson you’ll never forget.” Well, blar-har yourself, RedStater, because I’ve already taught you a lesson today that even I have forgotten. I’m just that epistemologically tricky. Watch my hand fluttering around over here. Ooh, now it’s an octopus.

Heh heh. Oh, nothing. Just typing.

Yes, friends, we can rejoice that Orly Taitz, exalted birtherlord, is being rejected tonight, losing in the Secretary of State primary 75-25 to Damon Dunn.

Stick a fork in O-Tay, because it’s Dunn.

Meg Whitman runs away in the Governor’s race 65-26.

Whitman sings song of self, contains multitudes. Former eBay head Whitman snipes Jerry Brown. Whitman cancels Brown’s bid.

Schwarzeneggerite Abel Maldonaldo gets the drop on conservative favorite Sam Aanestad 46-28 for LtGov.

Lieutenant Governor race lofts Schwartze…um, negro-ite? WTF!?

Ahem: Abel to Stand Trial.

Boxer crushes Kaus 78-6. Fiorina completes her surge to be up with 57 over Campbell’s 22 and DeVore’s 18.

Jesus on a rocket sled, how could they miss…? Boxer knocks out Kaus, or rope-a-dopes Kaus. Boxer goes bobbity-bobbity on Kaus, punching him with both gloves, like bobbity-bobbity, until the election count comes in, and Kaus is down for the count.

Fiorina bankrupts, pumps and dumps, or lays off Campbell and DeVore.

Cap and Tax backer Mary Bono Mack beats Tea Party upstart Clay Thibodeau 74-26 in district 45.

Mary Bono Mack fires Clay, throws Clay. Clay’s teapot is glazed by her, or is shattered, or she cracks Clay’s pot (for him). Headline: Clay Achin’. Mack tea-balls Thibodeau, whose bid was tea-totaled. Headline: Clay T. Bags Run.

Mary Bono macks on or issues a mackdown to Thibodeau, or when juxtaposed with Thibodeau makes Mack & Cheese. Mack is Kavalier to, jars, or cracks Clay — who goes to pot and whose name is mud. Plus something about Clay’s Twittering Machine (cf. Klee’s Twittering Machine).

Whoops, hand’s got your tie. Come on back here, you hand, and oh my God, it’s a miracle, look at the California Results post! It’s a spontaneous sarcasm event like people often talk about — a wise-krakatoa, if you would, and I already did.

Here, Mr. Hand has it in his mouth all printed out for you, and now you shall go because the trees are all Tunguskulated into flinders and matchsticks, except for outside, through the front door there. Why? Because the comet, and the Cupid. Door closing!

Just remember as you walk through this life, from soup to nuts and hither to thither: Are we human, or are we Danzig? Door is a jar! Door closing!

Well, they’re gone. Quiet around here. Get some of that bucket chicken, maybe a drumstick. No wait, plot twist. There’s something that… [baritone squawking of gigantic chicken. bone-tearing, squitching, and other unpleasantly biological sounds. blood-chilling and/or bone-curdling screams. baritone crow of triumph suddenly trails off. dogs all at once baying in medium distance, getting nearer. knock on door. door opens.]

Nikitas3, RedState:
To Hell with Europe

Europe today is like a museum with all its precious paintings and artifacts. And its people are like listless, apathetic museum guards whose big accomplishment is to take coffee for hours at the corner bistro while droning on endlessly about every subject in the world like the phony left-wing intellectuals that so many of them are.

1) B’KAA! B’KAAK! AAP-AAP-UCK-UCK KAAAK! B’KAAAK B’KAAAK B’KAAAAAA….
2) ROOR-ROO-RUR-ROO-ROOR-OOR-ROO-ROOR-ROO-ROO!!!-RURURURURURU…
3) AAAH! OMG I HAVE NO LEGS! COUGH-COUGH OOH! OOH! OMG UGH AGH….

America is like a factory that makes things. We Americans are not afraid of work, or getting our hands dirty. We are industrious and creative and rational people. Our powerful military has kept the world safe. Through our economic might, America has cared for the world time and time again, even though we are such a young nation.

1) B’KAAAK B’KAAAK [RIP SHRED SNERF SPATTER CRUNCH] B’KAAAKKITA-KAKKITA-KAAK-K’KAAK….
2) RURURURURURURU-YIPE!-YIPE!-YIPE!-YIPE!-YIPE!-YIPE!-ROOO-RURURURURURURURURURURU….
3) CRAWLING-AGH-JESUS-UGH Whew. Hey, I have pants just like these. OMG AAAH IT’S A LEG! OMFG!….
4) Dude, when the dogs stopped chasing OMG THIS DUDE’S GOT NO LEGS! 911-911 OMG HELP YAAAH….

Now we have economic chaos in Greece and other European nations. Again. We conservatives warned about this. Europe is prone to war, economic cataclysm and social collapse because of its unstable political systems. That is what our Founders recognized and why they created a more stable nation called America….

1)                                                                                                                 B’KAAAAAAK! B’KAAAK! B’KAK-KAK-KAK….
2) rururu…? ru…?                                                                                    AROOO!-RURURURURURURURURURU….
3) LEG! EW! EW! CRAWLING-OH, HELL WITH IT breathe snerf pant uck pant pant EEK! CRAWL-GO-GO….
4) OMG! WHAT’S THE NUMBER FOR 911? HELLO? HELLO? IS THIS 411? WHAT’S THE NUMBER FOR 911?….
5) SUPPE-HEIL! SUPPE-HEIL! SUPPE-(Das ist schön heiße Erbsensuppe für Herr Hitler)-HEIL! SUPPE…

Now we have the specter of economic ‘contagion’ spreading from free-spending Greece to the other free spenders in Europe. And to America.

Meanwhile our own economic collapse stemmed from trillions of dollars being lent to poor people who could not pay it back via Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac, FHA and the Community Reinvestment Act. In other words, Euro-type socialism and wealth redistribution.

1) aak-ak….                                                                                                                                            [tee-hee snork-giggle b’kaak]
2) roo?                                                                                                                                                                 ruh-ruh hmph. ruh.   OOO-rururururururururururururuROOO-RURURURURU….
3) WHAT ARE? WITH THE PHONE? IT’S 911! IT’S 911! JUST, HEY? UM?                                                           EEK. MUST GET AHEAD OF NARRATIVE, CRAWL UNDER TABLE….
4) NONONO, I DON’T NEED THE NUMBER FOR THE ACTUAL NUMBER! I NEED, LOOK, CAN I JUST EXPLAIN…YES, I’LL HOLD. har. hold my wang, that is. YO I’M ON HOLD….
5) SUPPE-HEIL! Das ist schön…                  HERR HITLER!                                                                                           Ja, aber es ist ein ungeheuerliche Huhn.
6) Dum-dee-doot-ACH! Hier ist Hitler.                                      Hast du wirklich Erbsensuppe für mich?                                                                                                Ein Huhn? Ich höre Hunde….

******BREAKING: MUST CREDIT SADLY, NO!******

Eagle-eyed reader Fotoshawp Killah sends along irrefutable visual evidence that Der Mooslim In Chief has received a surgical boost to his caboose!

And the tattoo? Can you say tacky? And barbed wire no less — perhaps of the sort that B. Hussein would string around the concentration camps when he rounds up the Real Americans?

Over at teh Ghrey Lady, Peter Singer reviews the South African philosopher David Benatar’s book, ‘Better Never to Have Been: The Harm of Coming into Existence.’

One of Benatar’s arguments trades on something like the asymmetry noted earlier. To bring into existence someone who will suffer is, Benatar argues, to harm that person, but to bring into existence someone who will have a good life is not to benefit him or her. Few of us would think it right to inflict severe suffering on an innocent child, even if that were the only way in which we could bring many other children into the world. Yet everyone will suffer to some extent, and if our species continues to reproduce, we can be sure that some future children will suffer severely. Hence continued reproduction will harm some children severely, and benefit none.

Noted just in case you had a spring in your step this morning, ya silly dreamer.

ABOVE: Noel “Tits. I Don’t See Any Tits” Sheppard.

Shorter Noel Sheppard, NewsBlusterers
Liberal Website Starts Rumor Sarah Palin Has Gotten Breast Implants

• Pictures of Sarah Palin with newly ginormous tits are not proof that she got breast implants. It could be an optical illusion, or a Photoshop by liberals intended to discredit Palin or, well, you know, simply a completely normal natural phenomenon. Millions of women get giant tits overnight without any surgical intervention whatsoever.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

Above: \Will-i-a-m Ja-c-ob-s-on\ n. 1. Birther. 2. Teabagger. 3. Col. Mustard. 4. Buttmunch.
5. Diploma-er. 6. Second Worst Law Professor in America™

Shorter William “MiniInstaHayseedWannabe” Jacobson, L-eg-a-l I-ns-u-r-erec-t-i-le D-ysf-u-nc-ti-on
Obama Threat To “Kick Ass” Violates Fourth Amendment

• Obama is such a maroon that he doesn’t even know what’s in the Fourth Amendment. I’ll bet he flunked Con Law. Speaking of which, isn’t it about time we all saw the vault copy of his Harvard law degree? Amirite or what?

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

Helen Thomas retired today. Wingnuts rejoice. And they aren’t the only ones:

Steve Benen and Kevin Drum agree that she had to go. Jonathan Chait says she shouldn’t have, but in a very backhanded way; actually the object of his post seems to be blarging at Tony Judt specifically, and at anti-Zionism generally (such uncharacteristic reticence at not conflating it with anti-Semitism, though; Chait’s next paycheck will do doubt reflect Marty Peretz’s and AIPAC’s displeasure).

Matt Yglesias, a slippery one, doesn’t say yay or nay, though he does seem to make the sapient point that no self-respecting professional blogger like, say, Matt Yglesias, with a veteran’s experience and battle-tested ninja skillz would ever “cut loose with” such “serious nonsense.” Heh, indeedy:

AFTER THE LATEST DEPRESSING news from the Middle East I think we have to start asking just how inhumane it would be for Israel to just expel the Palestinians from the occupied terroritories. The result would probably be out-and-out war with the neighboring Arab states, but Israel could win that.

All forced population transfers are humanitarian disasters, of course, but so is the current situation. It’s not like there’s not any room in the whole Arab world for all these Palestinian Arabs to go live in, it’s just that the other Arab leaders don’t want to cooperate.

posted by Matthew at 4/01/2002 06:05:00 AM

Ooops, sorry, that’s apparently not nonsense. It is more or less an endorsement of the forced ethnic cleansing of what the entire Village and all wingnuttia considers Bad People… so, well, someone give that boy a job! Hey, someone did! Anyway, Glenn Greenwald has more to say about the double standard.

Josh Marshall who, unlike those mentioned above, is actually a reporter (as well as a blogger), says he wanted to ignore the whole thing “[b]ut now since she’s retiring and was presumably forced out, I don’t feel right not addressing it. I’ve heard numerous attempts to, if not excuse, than at least mitigate her comments. And they don’t fly.” He makes the same, obvious, point I did about what was offensive in her commentary — the “to Germany and Poland” part was nasty — but then shows what he really thinks by slagging on the Euros and presumably, everyone who thinks the Zionist effort in Palestine is immoral; back in introspective mode, he sadly notes the consequences of senescence and concludes by basically saying that since both Jews and Muslims have suffered there for a long time now, everyone should forget history and work on a Green Line solution. He must have felt this post was too tame because a few hours later he pastes some absolutely righteous — by which I mean, morally and intellectually righteous, the kind that matters, not blood- or tribally- or religiously-righteous, the kind that is indefensible but quintessential among Israel’s apologists — objections from those whom he characterizes as the “screechy sectarian left.”

These guys* all have other things more or less in common. No, it is not their ethnic background, and I’m not talking about race and gender. One thing is that they all are Liberal Hawks and support or supported the Iraq War. No, not because of Israel. Because their political and ideological instincts are so similar to each other and, most importantly, to the Villagers — and, except for Marshall, who built his own thing, they owe their professional standing precisely to that fact. My teeth aren’t set on edge so much by the beneficiaries of Krugman’s Law above as by the people who make excuses for them, as if they have some precious, utterly unique value to the liberal blogosphere which cannot be replaced** by about a thousand bloggers*** out there who have consistently demonstrated better instincts and judgment about things that really matter. One can’t complain about the Village and at the same time cheerfully accept as brethren these Junior Villagers hired by supposedly netroots-friendly and most definitely netroots-supported institutions. Consider the above’s credentials, bear in mind the speed with which they were offered jobs and by whom, then ask yourself why Roy Edroso and Digby, who can write circles around all of them and whose political instincts have proven to be far more sound, were passed over for so long****. Why is that? And why would any netroots-type person not be bothered by it?

Troll Prophylactic: This isn’t about purity, this isn’t about perfection; anybody can diverge or dissent from this or that netroots belief. I’m talking about instinct and pattern, demonstrated over considerable time, that far more resembles acute Villageritis than any other particular trait. Even with regard to something so singularly important as getting the Iraq War right from the start… well, getting it wrong can be forgiven (though under no circumstances should getting it wrong be rewarded yet remember Krugman’s Law: getting it wrong is a necessary criterion for acquiring paid pundit gigs). For instance, in the cases of John Cole (who was wingnut) and Johann Hari (who, though a journalist and not a blogger is exactly the person to whom all the excuses proffered for Matt Yglesias and Ezra Klein actually apply). Read Cole and Hari over time, appreciate the consistency, observe their sincere remorse, watch how they have learned — they are not gonna flip-flop between progressive and “centrist” positions for careerist, whichever-way-the-wind-blows reasons — then compare to those above.

* Along with Ezra Klein, but he hasn’t written about Thomas (yet). And I’m not sure of Mark Kleiman’s opinion on the matter, but he usually agrees with the rest of them and has made the same predictable mistakes; however, I can’t be bothered to check because I can’t stand reading him after I found out he’s still sucking giant green slimy goat balls.
**Except for Marshall, who is unique because of the difference explained above.
**And I’m not including myself in this because I don’t write well enough or often enough; many do, however, and some of them are my comrades here, commenters and bloggers.
*** Glenn Greenwald is an exception, was offered a job fairly quickly, but then he has legal expertise and is an utterly indefatigable arguer; he could not be denied.

Dept. of Corrections adds: Steve Benen has informed us via email that he never supported the invasion of Iraq War. HTML Mencken, putz that he is, thought he had a Carpetbagger Report post bookmarked in which Benen admitted to being briefly pro-war, and since he couldn’t find said bookmark to confirm as much while writing this post, he went with his own drug-addled memory. Mencken still believes that Benen suffers from Villageritis, but nothing can excuse Mencken’s stupid mistake, which he sincerely regrets. As punishment, S,N! orders HTML Mencken to refrain from all progressive activities (including recreational abortion, Ba’al worship, drug abuse, gay recruitment drives, flag burning, and bible stomping) for at least two full hours. We now return to our regularly scheduled programming.

Above: Murray as pictured in The Big Book of British (Petroleum) Smiles.*

Shorter Iain Murray
National Review’s The Cornhole
“Re: No to Endangered Whale Sushi! Yes to Privatizing the Oceans!”

• You said it, Frenchy! But our propertarian** friends at Reason don’t go nearly far enough; obviously the best thing for all the fishes in the deep blue sea — and joy to you and me — is the total privatization of the ocean. Cuz, I mean, everyone can see that corporations are the most responsible stewards, like, evar!

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

*cf.
** Defined here. Cf.

Van Helsing, Right Wing News:
Phoenix Rising

Oh, I like them. Or wait, is that ‘Phoenix‘ in the sense of unsophisticated or spite-driven white people and their easily manipulable resentment against a protean¹ Other? Oh, I like them.

Despite punishing 107° heat, an impressive crowd turned out across from the Arizona State Capitol Saturday for the Phoenix Rising demonstration in support of countermoonbattery, American sovereignty, the rule of law, and in particular, SB1070. Not even the blazing sun could melt the festive spirits.

‘Countermoonbattery’ is a new one, and I guess they can just keep adding prefixes and suffixes to ‘moonbat’ until they create a whole agglutinative language out of the word. Or else just devolve into howling and pointing, which is easier and ultimately gives the same result. But I’m glad to see ‘not even the x could y their spirits,’ as I’ve been making a collection of such phrases.

As with most Tea Party type events, there was no shortage of incisive signs:

Above: Um…

Above: Signs suggest a narrative in which the problem is other than immigration

Uh, ‘Penix Rising’ demands the plugging of the wide-open boarder. Man, Teabaggers are weird.

A great time was had by all. Give it up, Dems; if Phoenix summer swelter can’t put a lid on America’s resurgence, you can’t either.

Hey man, stop ramming your ‘resurgence’ down our throats.