Sadly, No!

Slightly Shorter Jim Hoft, Gateway Dumbshit:
Obama Says He “Won’t Rest Until Leak Is Stopped”… Then Attends Nationals Baseball Game (Video)

• Liar-in-Chief Obama says he won’t rest until the Gulf leak is stopped but that didn’t keep him from going to bed later that night.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

va, Whiskey Fire:
Speech! Speech!

So some sham “linguist” called Paul J.J. Payack told CNN that Obama’s prime time speech last night was too “professorial.” Obviously this was meant to be a pejorative, and conservative pundits have not been sparing in their use of it over the last…

Fix-ing, fix-ing, fix-ing the Inter-net,
Findin’ a rhyme for ‘Internet,’
Doop-de-doop, um, yooble-dooble…

Hey, what happened to the music?

What?

No, sure, I was going over there later.

The opening band did; he’s going on at 11. Huh?

Oh right.

va, Whiskey Fire:
Payack Is a Bitch

So some sham “linguist” called Paul J.J. Payack told CNN that Obama’s prime time speech last night was too “professorial.” Obviously…

Fix-ing, fix-ing, fix-ing the Inter-net,
If wit were water, we’d be wet,
Pho for Christmas, must be Tet,
‘Straight Talk’ in the Het Gazette…

ABOVE: Probably “Robin of Berkely”

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I am always in awe of the blazing intellects on display at The American Thinker. The closely-reasoned posts by the website’s stable of intellectual titans are a stunning rebuke to the mushy and illogical minds of liberals, who are so busy shoving things down conservatives’ throats and taking conservatives’ country from them that they are totally incapable of rational thought.

Today one of my favorites at American Thinker, a woman who calls herself “Robin of Berkeley,*” displays her intellectual chops by constructing three irrefutable syllogisms in a groundbreaking post entitled “The Left’s Sexual Terrorism.”

Where A = “Negroes” & B = “women” & C = “liberals” ⇒

All A ~♥ B
All C ♥ A

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∴ All C ~♥ B

Wow, that’s a low great syllogism! So Robin changes the premises, lathers, rinses and repeats:

Where A = “radical jihadists” & B = “women” and C = “liberals” ⇒

All A ~♥ B
All C ♥ A

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∴ All C ~♥ B

Lather, rinse, repeat (thx, Sirius Lunacy):

Where A = “Liberals” & B = “Sarah Palin” and C = “women” ⇒

All A ~♥ B
B ∈ C

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∴ All A ~♥ C

All liberals hate women! Quod erat demonstrandum, as Robin and the other really smart folks at The American Thinker are fond of saying.

*Obviously a sly reference in her pseudonym to the famed English philosopher, George Berkeley, who devoted his philosophical career to the conundrum of the tree falling in an empty forest.

ABOVE: Hinderaker wonders where all the nurses have gone

Shorter John Hinderaker, Powerlie Blog:
Obama’s Long Nose

• Obama should stop trying to punish BP because BP has been damaged more than anyone else on the planet as a result of the Deep Horizon oil spill.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

ABOVE: Jay Nordlinger and Turkey (front to back)

Shorter Jay Nordlinger, America’s Shittiest Website™:
Soccer and the Metric System

• Soccer, a game predominantly played by foreign colored people, is, like the metric system, an intentional kick in the nuts of American exceptionalism. And I, for one, am tired of having two-liter bottles of soft drinks and David Beckham shoved down my throat.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

ABOVE: Jimmie [sic] Bice, Jr.

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One of the most amusing things about the teabaggers is that every time they deny being racist, a few racist tidbits shortly thereafter come popping out of their mouths like some kind of fairy-tale frogs. Brrrrrribbbbett!

Well, a huge old toad sprang out of Jimmie [sic] Bice’s mouth over at the Snack Food Shack when he titled one of his latest posts “Obama: You All A Bunch Of Hypocrites.” Seriously. Jimmie [sic] has Obama talk some kind of lame-assed version of Ebonics that Jimmie [sic] dreamed up after watching some reruns of Sanford & Son on cable. And it doesn’t even occur to Jimmie [sic] that this might be, well, just a teensy-eensy little bit racist.

The title of the post refers to an irony that Obama pointed out in a Politico interview where he noted that just last month the teabaggers were marching on Washington because the White House was doing too much and appeared to be preparing to march all white people into concentration camps. Now, of course, the teabaggers, who’ve amazingly developed some new-found empathy for oil-drenched wildlife, are complaining that the White House isn’t doing enough. They want Obama to put on a wetsuit, dive down to the Gulf oil gusher and plug it up with his own bare hands. After that they want Obama to single-handedly round up every oily egret in the Louisiana bayous and invite them back to the White House for a bubble bath and a lawn party with Bo.

Well, Jimmie [sic] isn’t going to let that charge of hypocrisy stand. No-siree-Bob, he won’t. He’s going to use his finely honed rhetorical skills to show why these two positions are completely consistent.

I sincerely hope the President isn’t this ignorant about the difference between “do something” and “do your job”. This is a direct shot at the Tea Party movement, which has spent the better part of a year asking the President to do his job and only his job.

Uh oh. I see where this is going. The President’s “job” isn’t to ram socialized medicine down Jimmie’s [sic] throat; it is to save the pelicans.

Obamacare isn’t leadership; it’s a pre-failed waste of trillions of dollars and an unprecedented power grab. … The Tea Party movement wants the President to do his job as Commander-in-Chief to keep the nation secure.

‘Cuz if the pelicans are covered in oil they can’t keep the Mexernicaraguacans and terr-er-ists — who are as we speak swimming through the Gulf and into the Louisiana bayous — out of the U.S.

The Force is strong in Tic Tac Trevino‘s tweets:

One has to search through American history to find public figures as ethically flawed as Carly Fiorina: Richard Nixon. Aaron Burr. #casen Monday, June 07, 2010 7:54:55 PM via TweetDeck

I want you to know just one thing about @ChuckDeVore: when he’s hungry, he eats terrorists: http://bit.ly/aNcRwQ #casen #flotilla #israel 10:42 PM Jun 6th via bit.ly

We’ve proven one thing today: in #CASen, only @ChuckDeVore has the online force to take on and take down the lefty “netroots.” 6:34 PM Jun 8th via TweetDeck

Wow, more field reports coming in. @ChuckDeVore supporters, know this: the models are OFF. We can win this — if you do your part. #casen 5:02 PM Jun 8th via TweetDeck

@ChuckDeVore supporters! Ask yourself: Have I voted yet? Have I gotten a friend or loved one to vote? That’s how we’ll win this. #casen about 13 hours ago via web

Why do I think @ChuckDeVore will win today? He’s everyone’s first choice. Carly is a universal second choice. Tom is no one’s choice. #casen about 15 hours ago via TweetDeck

The Force of FAIL, amirite? But that’s how it is with these wingnut blowhards — there’s always some disturbance with them, it’s as if hundreds of fappers suddenly cried out and then… suddenly cried out MOAR:

FACEPALM: RT @drjjoyner: @ThomasHCrown I don’t interpret “go home” as “should be killed if they don’t evacuate” 4:17 PM Jun 7th via TweetDeck

I completely agree with you. RT @johntabin: @drjjoyner @Jews-out-of-Israel is a pro-genocide position, period. 4:03 PM Jun 7th via TweetDeck

Another reason America is best: what Helen Thomas did would not have harmed her career anywhere in Europe. 11:57 AM Jun 7th via TweetDeck

Anyone expressing sorrow over Helen Thomas: save it. If you call for ethnic cleansing, you -should- retire in humiliation and disgrace. Monday, June 07, 2010 11:26:55 AM via TweetDeck

O RLY? What if someone calls for concentration camps?

# You don’t have the luxury of silence after your professional colleague endorses ethnic cleansing. 10:28 PM Jun 5th via Twittelator

Let’s be clear: failure to express an opinion on Helen Thomas by a member of the WH press corps isn’t judicious neutrality. It’s cowardice. 10:27 PM Jun 5th via Twittelator

I don’t recall Box Turtle Ben or Erick von Erichson expressing any opinion on their Red State colleague Tacky’s endorsement of concentration camps. Cowards!

@rsmccain: Rachel Corrie is the modern Horst Wessel. Exactly: http://bit.ly/b1Q6jY #flotilla #gaza 2:07 PM Jun 6th via TweetDeck

RT @JonathanLamb: [People] who lament Rachel Corrie are secretly happy. She is way more useful to them dead than alive. #israel #flotilla Saturday, June 05, 2010 3:01:10 PM via TweetDeck

Israel is blameless in both cases. RT @arzurulz: Rachel Corrie was one bulldozed by #israel and one was hijacked by #israel 11:21 AM Jun 5th via TweetDeck

Yes: RT @bakinky: @USGOVPR We didn’t care about Rachel Corrie because she burned the US flag amongst Islamic extremists. That’s no American. 11:12 AM Jun 5th via TweetDeck

No, we weren’t. Americans don’t generally care about Rachel Corrie. RT @USGOVPR: The U.S. was outraged over a person run over by bulldozer 10:50 AM Jun 5th via TweetDeck

Unsurprisingly, a #flotilla shill — @USGOVPR — has piped up to assert that the Forgotten Rachels are somehow lesser: http://bit.ly/b4p74E 10:45 AM Jun 5th via TweetDeck

Your daily must-read: Rachel Corrie was a fraud and a fool. These are the Rachels a just world must remember: http://bit.ly/b4p74E #flotilla 10:38 AM Jun 5th via bit.ly

And, finally, your moment of zen:

Revering Rachel Corrie has all the moral validity of weeping for C-3PO on Bespin. 12:02 AM Jun 5th via TweetDeck

Alas, the venerable Atlantic appears to be doing donuts in the parking lot of yesterday instead of taking the on-ramp to the freeway of a prosperous tomorrow. Sometimes when you spill a glass of milk, you have to burn the whole house down around it or the wicketkeepers of tribalism will continue to dance the Macarena of Discord upon the Field of Democratic Dreams.

Yes, it’s true — The Atlantic seeks to hire a Tom Friedman clone.

H/t: Anne Laurie

ABOVE: Edwin J. Feulner

Shorter Ed “I Don’t Know Jack (Abramoff)” Feulner, The Moonie Times
Stop the new START

• If the U.S. has only 1550 strategic nuclear weapons, that won’t be enough to blow up Russia the Soviet Union and to stop Putin Khruschev from threatening to use his nukes on us unless we agree to surrender and become a communist satellite nation under Russian Soviet domination. I said that to President Reagan last Monday when I had lunch with him at the White House but my wife tells me that I’m confused, that Reagan has been dead for years and that we now have a Negro President, which I don’t believe for a second.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

John McCain on twitter:

@Sn00ki u r right, I would never tax your tanning bed! Pres Obama’s tax/spend policy is quite The Situation. but I do rec wearing sunscreen!

Kill me now.