Oh, puhleez, Thers, do you think that the power of the SadlyNauts can be extinguished by chicken poop? Not so much, if by not so much you mean not at all. I was prepared earlier this week to bring out our big guns, but it would violate the conventions of war to retaliate with such force to such a lame volley. So I see your chicken poop and raise you one Pomplamoose — the untalented, drug-addled duo who reinforce their indie cred by singing Jingle Bells in Hyundai ads — here providing one of the worst recorded performances of one of the worst songs ever written.
America’s Dumbest Homosexual™ — B. Daniel Blatt — has trotted out again his annual, and oddly-named, Grande Conservative Blogress Diva contest. And, no, a “Grande Conservative Blogress Diva” is not a new pumpkin spice mocha drink at Starbucks. It’s a contest in which readers — that means you, SadlyNauts! — get to select as the winner of the, er, coveted title “a strong woman who commands the respect of gay male conservatives.” Dan oddly adds that the Grande Conservative Blogress Diva need “not be conservative herself,” although all of the available candidates are pretty much so far right that they have all, at one time or another, accused Concerned Women for America of being a lesbian Bolshevik front group.
Really, the list is like a Sadly, No! hit parade of our favorite wingnutresses (to follow Dan’s odd — and ogress-inspired — feminization coinage). There is Pam Meister, who once lamented that hate crime laws were passed to honor a fag rather than those poor Duke lacrosse players who were the real victims of hate. And Elizabeth Scalia, the pathetic nun impostress who once said that condoms, not bankers, were the cause of the latest global economic crisis. Of course, the list also includes Professoress Winebox who thought that Obama put bombs on planes to help the Democrats last November. Not to mention the Middle-Aged White Woman From North Carolina Who Pretends Be A Hip, African American Blogress Named Sistah Toldjah. And the InstaCrackeress, who once hatched a plot to leave snarky notes to waitpersons instead of tips if Obama was elected and has been dining on Snothchos ever since. Also, a personal fave Sassy Cassy Fiano is on the list.
But, of course, there is a relative newcomer on the list who is sitting in second place in the voting and needs a nudge over the top. It’s American Thinkeress Robin of Berkeley. Crazy Robin has provided hours of amusement here and, most recently, over at World O’Crap. Robin was recently featured here in I See Rude People: Robin Of Berkeley Edition and her touching Thanksgiving tribute where she reminded us that the best way to give thanks for your own blessings is to forget completely about the impoverished uninsured layabouts who were at fault for only having an untreated case cancer to give thanks for on that holiday.
The awesome power that is Sadly, No! has been brought to bear previously on the Mucho Grande Wingnut Blogress Fabulous Diva and Girlfriend contest with great success and party hats and fairy dust for everyone! So, let’s do it againand assure that Robin is pushed over the top by a wild pack of Bolshevik commie-loving gay abortionists and their enablers.
Thers lobbed a hand grenade but it was a dud. This should finish him off once and for all. (A word of warning, Thers — if you manage to survive Ai~n, we still have Mini-Moni’s “Telephone Ring Ring Ring” in our arsenal!)
Even though large tracts of the blogosphere and many old and famous websites have fallen or may fall into the grip of Thers and all the odious apparatus of liberal fascist rule, we shall not flag or fail.
We shall go on to the end, we shall fight in Eschaton
we shall fight on Twitter and in the comments sections,
we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our website, whatever the cost may be,
we shall fight on desktops,
we shall fight on the laptop screens,
we shall fight in smartphones and in the iPads,
we shall fight in the RSS feeds; WE SHALL NEVER SURRENDER!
[The name of the group "performing" this video is Sonseed. Think about it for a moment. VSR.]
Silly, foolish Thers Jong-Il wants to start a Christmas YouTube war and has launched a Taepo-Dong missile at us which, sadly for him, simply fizzled in mid-air. He will now be destroyed.
The rules of this game are very simple. We will list three people and the participants will have to say which of them they would a) kill; b) marry; or c) fuck. (Sample: kill inappropriate use of semi-colons, marry alphabetical enumeration, fuck parenthetical addenda.)
Liberals like Joy Behar make fun of Sarah Palin for reading children’s books such as C.S Lewis’s Narnia Chronicles. But, in fact, those books can provide valuable survival tips for Sarah if she should run into a dragon somewhere in Alaska. And Joy Behar? What will happen to her if she’s attacked by a dragon in Times Square? It will eat her the fuck up, that’s what. (The fact that I am the producer of the new Narnia film had no impact whatsoever on this article.)
Pope Benedict said earlier today, with respect to the Roman Catholic church’s growing pedophilia scandal, that “We must ask ourselves what was wrong in our proclamation, in our whole way of living the Christian life, to allow such a thing to happen.” Naturally, the Pope doesn’t think that the vow of celibacy has anything to do with it. Instead, of course, the Pope blames liberals for their moral relativism, the result of which is that child pornography is now “considered more and more normal by society.” (Maybe that’s true in the Vatican, but I’m not guessing it’s true anywhere else.)
If the Pope wants to ask himself about why his clergy seems to have developed a taste for teenage altar boys, perhaps he might think for a moment about this command performance for him that occurred at the Vatican a few days ago.
Not surprisingly, when the Pope stands up at the end of this, it looks like he’s pitched a tent.*
Discriminating against gay people is not hate if based on a personal belief that gay people don’t deserve any rights. The gays who call me a hater are the real haters even if they do so based on their personal belief that they deserve equal rights.
The reason that DADT won’t be repealed has nothing to do with the Republican party. It’s because of Harry Reid, who believes that repeal gives gays one less reason to vote for Democrats.
Now that DADT is about to be repealed, please ignore completely everything I said about Harry Reid and DADT yesterday. My current position is that repeal of DADT might not be such a good thing because gays in the military could affect unit cohesion.
Jesus would cut taxes for the rich. Here is the proof:
A. Without tax cuts, the rich can’t afford charitable donations.
B. Without making charitable donations the rich can’t join Jesus in heaven.
C. Jesus thinks that there needs to be more rich people in heaven.
∴ Jesus supports tax cuts for the rich. Q.E.D.
Just up at Undie Press is an interview that Tim Hall did with me a little while back. Although I am disguised in the picture that accompanies the interview, with a pair of undies obscuring my facial features, you can hear my real voice. I’m sure that The Nutty Associate Professor is busy trying to garner clues from the interview and the sound of my real voice so he can call my workplace and tell them that I am “truly demonic” or a “demonic gay commie” or something.
In a recent expedition to the boiler room at a vacant Burlington Coat Factory site in Lower Manhattan, Sadly, No! Research Labs unearthed what we believe to be 13 lost prophecies from the famed 16th-century apothecary Michel de Nostredame, known commonly as Nostradamus.
We are hesitant to interpret these lost quatrains ourselves, as we are primarily archaeologists and not scholars of Medieval French, but we have had them translated so that readers may decide whether the legendary seer has again miraculously identified prominent people and events centuries before their births and occurrence.
PROPHESIES OF NOSTRADAMUS, CENTURY XI, QUATRAINS 1-13
1
In the year nineteen hundred and sixty nine,
The dough shall rise to load the pants:
Each of his befuddled ravings more stupid than the last
That is central to his point
2
Tears, cries and laments, howls, terror,
Heart inhuman, cruel, black and chilly,
Callous monster, pain and weeping
Richard Bruce ‘Dick’ Cheney
3
Anchored poorly, the baby plays host to rage
Her fury borne of loathsome thoughts
A visage contorted and a lesson:
If you keep making that face, Michelle, it’s going to get stuck that way
4
The fearsome mob grows in the New Land
Gathering in ignorance to sip upon tea
Loyal pets they shall yet prove
For monied masters who hold their leash
5
Twice shall the cock crow, then thrice
Though its cry be heard til the end of days
Never in all of time or space
Shall the Virgin Ben get laid
6
Of Northern birth but a Southern confederate
Loyalties confused he fumes and raves
Inelegantly his impotent wrath is shouted
Into the wind that would steal away his Tri-Tip
7
To the Tearful One will be left the realm
Carved out by the Corpulent Jester
Throughout Teatardia will extend his banner
A deformed countryside left in its wake
8
The new Leader darkens the halls of power
The warring tribes of Caucasia unite
They ache for a return to ways of old
Because they’re total fucking racists
9
From the lengthy island shall come forth
A harpy shrieking with bosoms thrust
Vexed, her poison pen and uncouth voice
A New Caliphate secreted in the Ambassador’s mustache
10
There will appear towards the North
Not far but distant from Russian shores
A pale one, Sarah, for fame’s siren call
Forsaking sworn duties to tweet stupid shit
11
The self-styled victims strike back against their foes
A new old power is finally secured
The Hill recaptured, all is well
The bankers’ street has walls once more
12
The money-changers cringe before the September storm
A barren larder where once they gorged
In the cover of night, Libra is tipped on its side
The treasure of the many ransomed to the few
13
The three branches will be reduced to none,
The people’s voice seduced to Mammon,
The country’s wealth stolen in the night
A proud nation dies while sleeping
The greatest trick the Muslims ever pulled was convincing World Trade Center fetishists that the sacred status of an old Burlington Coat Factory several blocks away did not exist.*
*In real-world reality, of course, it would certainly seem that the Pam-led freak-out over an Islamic Center’s proposed location several city blocks away from the WTC site is to blame for people’s (temporary and likely fading) association of ‘Ground Zero’ with a ‘mosque’. We doubt that Geller will ever recognize that — stuff caused by Muslims just keeps happening to her and she is forever the victim.
Brent Bozell and his butt-boy Timmy Graham are way too busy searching the Internet for uncloaked lady nipples and liberals saying “fuck” to police their own brain trust of bloggers over at Newsblusterers, which means that today we get to bust the Newsblusterers. This is almost as fun sending Tea Smarty tourists lost in DC to Anacostia in a gypsy cab. After dark.
Let’s start with Scott Whitlock. I hadn’t run across smoldering hunkster and burning tower of love Scott Whitlock at Newsblusterers before, but — hubba, hubba, hubba — here he is:
Hardball host Chris Matthews appeared at a local event in Washington D.C. on Thursday to trash Republican Chris Christie as too fat to be President.
You can write the rest of Whitlock’s post for him. Simply insert a Chris Matthews leg-tingle joke and you’re done
Next we come to Newsblusterer Jack Coleman, also someone I haven’t run into before at the site.
He says the Ed Schultz is “the MSNBC pundit most likely to seek a career in professional wrestling.” Get it? Nudge, nudge. Fat. Ed Schultz is fat.
Moral of the story: Liberals are fat; conservatives are husky. When conservatives talk about fat liberals, it’s just objective reporting. When liberals talk about fat conservatives, it’s a disgrace.
Of course, many will be quick to point out that there is no dearth of commentary by me and others here about the appearance of Jo-Dough Loadberg and other right-wing members of the clean plate and dirty shirt club. But, hey, this is a comedy blog, the moral equivalent of a sophomore food fight and not some place like Newsbusters where all the resident intellectual heavyweights put on their big boy pants and pretend to be engaged in some kind of rational argument about the alleged liberal infestation of the media. That leads them to recoil in horror and throw themselves on their crumb-flecked fainting couches the moment anyone suggests that Christie Christie buys his shirts from a sail maker. And yet they giggle like schoolchildren when someone calls Ed Schultz fat.
