Kill! Marry! Fuck!

The rules of this game are very simple. We will list three people and the participants will have to say which of them they would a) kill; b) marry; or c) fuck. (Sample: kill inappropriate use of semi-colons, marry alphabetical enumeration, fuck parenthetical addenda.)

I will start us off:

– Sarah Palin
– Carrot Top
– Bill Keane

 

Comments: 624

 
 
Big Bad Bald Bastard
 

What if want to do all three to all three?

 
Big Bad Bald Bastard
 

Uh, forgot a subject there… been spending too much time on the “engrish” section of failblog.

 
Big Bad Bald Bastard
 
 

I generally love you guys, but joking about killing public figures is wrong, wrong, and wrong.

 
 

Since Carrot Top lacks functional genitalia, the first group is invalid.

How about:

Mitch McConnell
Lindsey Graham
John McCain wearing a Meghan McCain mask.

 
 

I am ashamed to say that I would have to fuck Sarah Palin, since she is the only mother of the group. I’d marry Bil Keane so I could go all crazy step-father on little Billy. Poor Carrot Top.

Okay, next three – Irky Irksome, Bobo Wens and Insty.

 
Big Bad Bald Bastard
 

How about Donalde Douglas, K-Lo, and Gay Patriot (either coast)?

 
 

N__B’s set:
I’d fuck John McCain because Fuck John McCain. McConnell on the firing line and Graham down the aisle.

BBBB:
Easiest set yet. K-Lo needs her some loving and pretty bad too. I’f marry a Gay Patriot because it’d be Gay Marrying! Also Dragon-King Patriot doesn’t sound too bad. Donaldeicide IS REAL.

 
 

And one with a festive theme…

– Jesus
– The Virgin Mary
– Santa Claus

 
 

How about Donalde Douglas, K-Lo, and Gay Patriot (either coast)?

D-KW’s nuts – grab ’em. Fuck Donalde because sticking something in his mouth might conceivably shut him up, marry K-Lo because she’ll drop dead of joy and then I get to spend her dowry, kill a Patriot because what’s the point of being a lib if I don;t get to kill a patriot.

 
 

Ted –

Fuck Santa Claus (ho…Ho….HO! HO! HO!), Mary Mary, and (even though it’s been done by experts) kill Jebus.

 
 

What if want to do all three to all three?

Okay, but in what order?

 
 

Would marrying Jesus make me a nun?

 
 

Would marrying Jesus make me a nun?

“Marrying,” being a word that indicates action, would make you a verb.

 
 

Wait! I’m still all inspired from the last thread!!!1!1

There once was a fellow named Wangchuck
Whose mother was fond of a gangfuck
They would strip her and suck her
And finger and fuck her
Then carry her home on a handtruck

 
 

Or so I’ve heard.

 
 

Well, if I have to do these three things to these three people in some configuration, I’d fuck Sarah Palin, because a) I’m a heterosexual male and she’s the only one with a natural vagina (carefully worded to rule out Carrot Top), and b) even though she’s a horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible human being, she is fairly good looking. Better looking than me, anyway.

I’d marry Bil Keane because he comes across as a pretty nice guy, to be honest (and it’s the guy who makes the Family Circus of Values saying that), although I may need to wear a wig and a dress.

That leaves Carrot Top as the one who must die, which wouldn’t be any great loss to the world anyway.

Here’s a dumb and rubbish selection:

David Cameron
Rupert Murdoch
The concept of virtue

 
 

I would marry Rupert Murdoch. He’s old! And what a payoff!
That fucks the concept of virtue.
Bye David.

 
 

I’d marry Bil Keane because he comes across as a pretty nice guy, to be honest (and it’s the guy who makes the Family Circus of Values saying that), although I may need to wear a wig and a dress.

No need for that, my sweet, a pair of leather hotpants will do just fine.

 
 

PLEASE DON’T SUE ME

 
 

All leather pants are hot and adhere to skin.

 
 

Sorry, knee-jerk reaction.

 
 

Sorry, knee-jerk reaction.

Jerk something else, and I won’t sue.

 
 

Just keep jerking that chicken.

 
 

I don’t want to kill or marry anyone and I only fuck cephalopods.

 
 

How about Donalde Douglas, K-Lo, and Gay Patriot (either coast)?

Great. Now Donalde is gonna start blogging about yet another death threat he has received.

 
monkey knife fight
 

Are we talking the early days of The Family Circus? You know, where the father is a sad sack drunk? I would definitely marry, fuck the living shit out, and kill for that Bil Keane.

 
 

Are we talking the early days of The Family Circus? You know, where the father is a sad sack drunk?

Huh. Never saw that before. The mother was hotter back then, too.

 
 

NYMFAIL! Woo hoo.

 
 

way hotter~!

 
 

If we’re talking cartoonists…I would happily marry Berkeley Breathed and possibly fuck him, though I reckon he’s probably near old enough to be my father. He created the funniest–hands down–strip of all time: Bloom County. I’ve been obsessed with Bloom County/Outland since I was, like, eleven.

To demonstrate my obsession, I recreated, frame by frame, one of my favorites of his poster-size for my boyfriend. And it was an EXACT and LOVING recreation. Mad skillz. Even back then, people.

Also, too I just told Mr. Vs I wanted to name little vs “Wednesday,” a name I genuinely love…and he said she’d get beat up and deserve to if we did that. FRUSTRATING!

 
 

Name her Odin. Same thing…

 
 

Howard Stern Rules! Baba Booey!

F Prudence Palin, definitely, because A) she is a woman and because B) who wouldn’t?

Marry Carrot Top. He’s dreamy. And you get to live at the Bellagio.

Sorry, Bil. Your cartoons are inspirational to millions. But…

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

What if want to do all three to all three?

G.G. Allin wannabe.

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

Can I kill all three of those people, by the way?

 
 

Bugs Bunny
Daffy Duck
Porky Pig

 
guitarist manqué
 

I’m with Snorg, don’t want to marry at all, the only fuckin I really like now is the financial kind and

*reggae beat*

‘killin’ people is wrong’

 
 

Gotta fuck Porky. (a) “Pork.” (b) All that soft pink flesh to deal with. (c) I wanna hear him stutter “That’s all folks” as he comes.

Marry Daffy, cause life needs some pain.

Kill, roast, and eat the rabbit.

 
 

Sub, you know which one I’d fuck.

 
 

If thinking N_B’s sick sense of humor is hilarious is wrong, I don’t wanna be right.

Same goes for thinking Bugs Bunny and Dave Foley look super-hot in drag.

 
 

Bugs Bunny in drag looks EXACTLY like Katherine Heigl. There’s something Hollywood is hiding from us…

 
 

Fuck Daffy (the young Daffy).
Marry Bugs. You can talk to the guy.
Kill Porky because bacon.

 
 

” (the young Daffy)”

Lulz

 
 

WOO HOO! WOO HOO! WOO HOO!

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

Fuck Bugs (I’ll bet he can do amazing things with that carrot)
Marry Porky. He’s probably a good cook.
Killy Daffy, because while bacon is delicious, a large portion of the rest of the pig reminds me of human flesh, whereas duck is just tasty.

 
 

Uh oh, pedaffile on the loose.

 
 

Is there some background on this post that I don’t know about? Because out of any context, this is just kind of crude without actually being funny.

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

Have people really never heard of the Kill, Marry, Fuck game? That’s just unAmerican.

 
 

Anonymous at December 22, 2010 at 12:37
drew42
Hitler

 
 

Have people really never heard of the Kill, Marry, Fuck game?

Not everybody went to Catholic school.

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

Not everybody went to Catholic school.

Or Girl Scout camp, apparently.

The only game that’s better is “I Never” and that’s because it involves alcohol.

 
 

Because out of any context, this is just kind of crude without actually being funny.

I, for one, am shocked that the fine people at S,N would stoop to crude humor. Back in my day, Bill Cosby knew what was funny, and he was never crude. If people ate more pudding pops, this would never have happened.

 
 

Hitler

Speaking of which…I’m on a grand jury and have been since last Monday. Yesterday we had as a witness a guy wearing a suit who had a brush cut and a toothbrush mustache. Fortunately, the ADAs keep reminding us that we have to determine for ourselves the credibility of each witness.

 
 

Oh dear…I’d have to marry Carrot Top?????

 
 

If people ate more pudding pops…the world would be buried in a tidal wave of diarrhea.

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

Okay, I lied. Naked Twister is better.

 
 

OK, my turn:

– DKW’s mom
– My mom
– vacuumslayer

(ps not to influence votes, but killing my mom is OK by me)

 
 

The Beatles
The Rolling Stones
The Who

 
 

There’s a morning DJ here in KC who does this all the time. It gets quite interesting to see the justifications.

So … for me:

– Sarah Palin: Kill, just for the benefit of all human/moose kind.

– Carrot Top: Fuck, but not nicely — I want to hear him to feel the same pain those in his audience do, so it’d have to be some sort of weird S&M thing in which I conveniently forget the safe word.

– Bill Keane — Marry, just because he seems like the type of guy you could slap around and make do things around the house.*

Okay, those last two are way over the top, and would never happen (the last one could, but only in places like … um … Iowa, strangely enough).

(* Anyone who knows me would find this hilarious, given The Mrs laughs every time I joke about how I wear the pants in the family. We kinda each have a leg.)

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

The Beatles
The Rolling Stones
The Who

Does this include band members who are dead and/or pedophiles?

 
 

Anonymous at December 22, 2010 at 12:37
drew42
Hitler

I’m killing Hitler. Because then the other two still have a chance to play the game.

 
 

Yesterday we had as a witness a guy wearing a suit who had a brush cut and a toothbrush mustache.

I’m always disconcerted whenever I see old pictures of my grandfather from the 1920s, when he had that same haircut and mustache.

 
 

The phrase “I want to hear him to feel the same pain” was lost in translation between my brain and fingers.

NEURON FAIL!

 
 

The Beatles
The Rolling Stones
The Who

Smithers, have the Rolling Stones killed.

 
 

Malaclypse – Yeah, but your grandfather was doing it before it carried certain cultural and historical baggage.

 
 

Does this include band members who are dead and/or pedophiles?

It includes all band members ever and possibly a variety of Fifth Beatles.

 
 

True – but it is still just bloody weird to see. I can’t imagine someone doing it today. That’s just plain fucked up.

 
 

I’m off to sit in judgment. EVIL-DOERS OF KINGS COUNTY, BEWARE! I may stay awake today.

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

It includes all band members ever and possibly a variety of Fifth Beatles.

Okay, um…

Marry: The Beatles. They seem like such nice boys!
Fuck: The Rolling Stones. You know they’re into all sorts of crazy-ass shit.
Kill: The Who. 🙁 Which makes me sad, because they are my favorite.

 
 

No killing at all from me…but I might possibly acquiesce in public execution of war criminals. I’ve avoided marriage for many decades; I’m not about to fail now! Fucking? Well, maybe a group scene with the Blonde Robots on Faux…

 
 

The Beatles
The Rolling Stones
The Who

Marrying any of these would be bigamy.

Bigathem, too…

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

Although, really, let’s be honest. Tommy was a fucking abomination.

 
 

EVIL-DOERS OF KINGS COUNTY, BEWARE!

Great. The Masked Sheepshead Bayer is on the prowl again. Guess I better go chain up the dalmation…

 
 

Tommy was a fucking abomination.

I blame Ken Russell.

Actually, I blame Ken Russell’s LSD supplier.

 
 

Fuck the Beatles and release the sex tape to mess up Apple’s running iTunes hagiography

Marry the Rolling Stones because Big Love with Mick and Keef under the same roof is drama drama drama for the rest of our lives

Kill the Who because Moonie needs a band in … heaven? Or wherever.

 
 

KMF:

War
Murder
Joking on the Internet

 
 

War
Murder
Joking on the Internet

Kill ’em all. Let God sort ’em out.

 
 

I’d fuck Joking on the Internet because it’s fun.
Kill war.
Marry murder because it’d end soon.

 
 

Cute puppies
Cute kittens
Cute bunnies

 
 

“Cute puppies
Cute kittens
Cute bunnies”

I’m reporting you to Cute Overload.

 
 

Cute puppies
Cute kittens
Cute bunnies

I, for one, welcome our Cute Overlords.

Lemme think…fuck bunnies, cuz, you know…kill kitties, cuz you can eat them, so that leaves marrying dogs, because as the famous song say, “If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life, Never make a pretty woman your wife. So from my personal point of view, Get an ugly girl to marry you.”

 
 

Hitler fashion sense…
Is it just me. or is Michael Jordan sportin’ the ol’ Charlie Chaplin (fun side note: couldn’t remember name, so had to Google’s “silent movie star moustache” – oh internets, is there nothing you can’t do?) in his latest airline seat commercial about the bacon neckline tshirt? The ‘other’ guy is wearing the bacon shirt neck, while MJs seatmate talks about their Hanes lie flat shirts.

OK, it’s just me.

 
 

TSA screener
President Obama
Haley Barbour

 
 

Sheesh…Godwin’s law ends the argument…not the whole dang thread!

WhaddIdo?!?!?

 
 

TSA screener
President Obama
Haley Barbour

OK, Barbour gets the axe.
The TSA agent gets fucked, and not in a good way.
So I’m gay marrying Obama.

 
 

What?
No ‘sqeeeeeeeal like a pig, Haley!!’ action? errr, acting?
I’d almost pay to see that.
I said see.

OK.
For the right amount, I’d probably do it, too.

I’m not proud.

 
 

Marry: I ain’t marrying nobody. I already been there and done that way too often as it is.
Fuck: I will fuck any reasonably presentable woman who doesn’t mind fat old men.
Kill: Capitalism

 
 

Kill Barbour
Marry the TSA agent (she’s already seen me naked)
Fuck Obama to join an exclusive club with Monica Lewinsky, Alberto Gonzalez and a jillion starlets that JFK banged

 
 

John Glenn
Glenn Beck
Beck

 
 

not funny today.

But I am probably an old fogey who doesn’t know about the game.

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

Fuck–Beck. But I would fuck him anyway.
Marry–John Glenn. He’s old.
Kill–Glenn Beck. Is this a surprise?

 
 

John Glenn
Glenn Beck
Beck

Can you kill the undead?

Makes no diff. Any of the three, your choice.

 
 

– A hair stuck in the back of your throat
– Demands for the last line of a haiku to be recursive
– Hister

 
 

Fuck, I think I Gowdined the thread with the Hister reference

 
 

– A hair stuck in the back of your throat
– Demands for the last line of a haiku to be recursive
– Hister

The easiest way to get rid of a hair in your throat is to fuck it, so….
Hister I would have to mary, just to prove Nostradamus wrong
So, um, kill the recursers.

 
 

Democracy
rich
the poor

 
 

rich

There is no “eat” option.

 
 

Santa
A toymaking elf
The baby Jesus

 
 

There is no “eat” option.

Except that you’d want to kill the rich to eat them, because as with fugu, you have to carefully avoid the poisonous bits.

 
 

Santa – Fuck, for better presents

A toymaking elf – Kill, and insource his job to a red stater

The baby Jesus – Marry for the money you could make exploiting His name.

 
 

The Poor
The Man Today
The Police

 
 

The Poor
The Man Today
The Police

I’d totally want to fuck the Police so Sting could teach me that tantra shit.

 
 

rich

There is no “eat” option.

Too fatty and taste like shit….um, so I’m told (looks around for ZRM)

 
 

The Poor – Fuck them: they have experience
The Man Today – Marry
The Police – KILL

 
 

D. Aristophanes
Tintin
Seb

 
 

OK, I’ll play, but only if I can go back to this choice:

Anonymous at December 22, 2010 at 12:37
drew42
Hitler

I’d marry Hitler. Two reasons:
a). At the end of every hard-working day, I’d know that there was a sweet megalomaniacal, genocidal, uber-racist sociopath with dreams of global conquest waiting for me at home.
b.) I could take him to high-school reunions and proudly tell old classmates “This pretty lil’ thing is my wife, Adolf Hitler.”

That leaves drew42 and anonymous. One must be fucked, one must be killed. Draw straws, guys.

 
 

D. Aristophanes
Tintin
Seb

I’d have to take them as a package and eventually do all three.

In a totally manly, het way, DA, I mean.

 
 

That leaves drew42 and anonymous. One must be fucked, one must be killed. Draw straws, guys.

Make ’em fight for it, like two pantomime horses.

 
 

Killing anyone, no matter how “deserving”, is wrong and I won’t even pretend to do it. Not judging, just makes me uncomfortable. Also, I have no desire to get married to anyone ever, even in make-believe. Again, not judging, just makes me uncomfortable.

However, I will fuck anything that moves and says “okie doke”.

 
 

Killing anyone, no matter how “deserving”, is wrong

What about when you’re in line at the checkout and someone says oh just one more thing in the middle of the cashier ringing up their Oreos and Coke and then they run up and down the aisles looking for Marshmallow Fluff and then pricing it versus a generic alternative?

 
 

I’d have to take them as a package and eventually do all three.

Riiiight. You know when you put them in furry suits, you’d jump straight to the third option and overdo it so much it would lead to the first.

 
 

Back in my day, Bill Cosby knew what was funny, and he was never crude.

Have a Coke and a smile and shut the fuck up.*

*Richard Pryor reference, for those who have forgotten.

 
 

However, I will fuck anything that moves and says “okie doke”.

Imagine K-Lo, in her most sultry voice, telling you that it is okie-dokie, as long as she can call you Mitt.

Now imagine that she gets to call you Mitt, and Jonah gets to watch.

 
 

What about when you’re in line at the checkout and someone says oh just one more thing in the middle of the cashier ringing up their Oreos and Coke and then they run up and down the aisles looking for Marshmallow Fluff and then pricing it versus a generic alternative?

Dude, I was making fudge for a party and was on a budget. I apologized for holding up the line and bought everyone a candy bar of their choice.

Now imagine that she gets to call you Mitt, and Jonah gets to watch.

Gonna take a lot of alcohol. Or perhaps some heroin.

 
 

What about when you’re in line at the checkout

Or in line at the bank on a Friday payday on your lunch hour and…

All the tellers are occupied with people trying to cash their third party out of state check on an overdrawn account. Having to be retold repeatedly they aren’t getting money no matter how many ways they ask “Why not?”.

This is the time Granny/Gramps all decide to do their annual banking. Slowly. With lots of repeating. Lots.

 
 

Now imagine that she gets to call you Mitt, and Jonah gets to watch.

Thanks so much. Now I have to figure out how to get down certain body parts that retracted up into my body. Maybe if I jump up and down.

 
 

Here ya go Matt.

 
 

I’m going to marry Marshmallow Fluff, this will
kill my taste buds and
fuck my blood sugar levels

 
 

Here ya go Matt.

Yep, massive amounts of heroin. Maybe even some PCP.

 
 

I would marry Christmas (if the war ever ends)
Kill a bottle of rum
and fuck off.

 
 

If anyone needs help with the third option.

 
 

– Kill
– Marry
– Fuck

I marry fuck because I want to spend the rest of my life with it (except we wind up sleeping in separate beds in our twilight years and the whole house smells like liniment)

I fuck marry because Stanley Kurtz needs a new progressive horror to clutch his pearls about

And I kill kill because then there’s no more killing!

 
the ugly hunchback that washes dishes and rings the dinner bell
 

This thread just might inspire Chef to create a new menu item, and a new mixed drink.

 
 

And I kill kill because then there’s no more killing!

(rolls eyes) Oh brother, you’re killing me.

 
 

The only game that’s better is “I Never” and that’s because it involves alcohol

ooooh, this was played at the ho bitch christmas party monday night…once again, young co-workers were sickened and shocked at us old broads…

 
 

John Glenn: marry, kill, fuck
Glenn Beck : kill, marry, fuck.
Beck: fuck, marry, kill by fucking

 
 

If people ate more pudding pops, this would never have happened.

or stale graham crackers with lukewarm-curdley milk…

 
 

Okay, I lied. Naked Twister is better

we actually got this as a wedding present…

 
 

Okay, I lied. Naked Twister is better.

Euuuwwww. Naked Twister with Sarah Palin, Carrot Top and Bil Keane? DO NOT WANT.

 
 

Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel and Jessica Simpson?

 
 

Wait. Too easy, everyone will pick the same Jessica to kill.

Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel or Jessica Chobot?

 
 

Well, we all know which one I’ll fuck…If Drag Bugs Bunny isn’t available.

 
 

Send to a hitherto unknown alternate universe, never to return
Live with somewhat amicably, but forever
Regain consciousness all sweaty and gross, but oddly euphoric

or

WordPress
Papyrus
Tomtoms

 
 

You know when you put them in furry suits, you’d jump straight to the third option and overdo it so much it would lead to the first.

Yes, but I’d marry them first so that they wouldn’t be illegitimate furries.

 
 

Imagine K-Lo

Fixed yer post for ya.

 
 

Or perhaps some heroin.

You remember the scene in Pulp Fiction where Travolta has to stab Uma Thurman in the chest with the adrenaline needle?

That much heroin.

I meant the adenaline needle.

 
 

Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel and Jessica Simpson?

Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel or Jessica Chobot?

I’d kill Alba. It would be a shame to let her age.

 
 

Sheep
Goats
Sasquatch

 
 

Iraq
Afghanistan
Th’ other country no one likes thet Ah cain’t ‘member…

 
 

Healthcare
DADT
Tax cut for 98% of Americans who never knew they got one, yet want their taxes lowered because it’s a burden.

 
 

Th’ other country no one likes thet Ah cain’t ‘member…

I believe your administration disliked the French.

 
 

I believe your administration disliked the French.

Th’ French? They got that phony dictator feller?

 
 

Mary Ann
Ginger
Mrs Thurston Howell III

 
 

Fuck Ginger,
Marry Mary-Ann,
Put Lovey out of her misery.

Cripes, I’m boring.

 
 

I’d marry all the Jessicas, Healthcare, a moribund DADT, non-wealthiest-people tax cuts, Michelle Obama with or without her husband, and Elizabeth Warren, because shut up you can’t tell me what to do. I am a rebel. Yis.

 
 

Fuck Ginger,
Marry Mary-Ann,
Put Lovey out of her misery.

Cripes, I’m boring.

I figured you for fucking Lovey cuz I swear that’s your mom a hundred pounds ago.

 
 

Mrs. Howell? Woman gets to be that age without spawning – I’m not interested. Who am I going to yell “I FUCKED YOUR MOM!” at?

 
 

Who am I going to yell “I FUCKED YOUR MOM!” at?

Mr Howell, idjit!

 
 

Barbara Bush
Nancy Reagan
Hillary Clinton

 
 

Mr Howell, idjit!

Whut? I suppose I could tell him that I fucked his old lady, but it just ain’t the same.

 
Marion in Savannah
 

Marry Hilary Clinton
Fuck Nancy Reagan with a rusty rake.

Bye bye Babs.

 
 

Marry Hilary Clinton
Fuck Nancy Reagan with a rusty rake.

Bye bye Babs.

I was thinking more along the lines of marry hilary, because you could still do whatever or whoever you wanted, fuck babs because she looks like she could be a lusty wench and well, nancy has looked dead for eons…

 
Marion in Savannah
 

fuck babs because she looks like she could be a lusty wench

Not with actor212’s dick… Not even with ZRM’s dick.

 
 

Daffyd ab Hugh
cigarskunk
Shop Vac

 
 

Not with actor212?s dick

Look, just because I bragged about it being detachable doesn’t mean I actually want other people using it!

 
 

Amy Alkon
Pam Geller
Ann Alhouse

 
 

Bye bye Babs.

While I like the way you think, you are overlooking many advantages to marrying her.

1) She’s bound to die soon, and you’ll inherit enough that you will actually be impacted by the estate tax.

2) You can look at GWB with a smirk and say “I’m doing your mom.” As an added bonus, you won’t actually need to do her for this to be believable.

3) Fetus jar.

 
Marion in Savannah
 

Jeez, actor, I didn’t mean to piss you off so badly that you’d come up with a list like that. Can’t we just dump them all into either a shit moat or a trech full of quicklime and have done with it?

 
Marion in Savannah
 

TRENCH. Too. Also.

 
 

While I like the way you think, you are overlooking many advantages to marrying her.

i like the way you think!

 
 

Can’t we just dump them all into either a shit moat or a trech full of quicklime and have done with it?

Oh…sorry…I thought I was typing into my bucket list….

 
 

Knock crazy hate boots with Pam
Gay marry Alkon
Expose Althouse to sunlight

 
 

Amy Alkon
Pam Geller
Ann Alhouse

*violent case of heebie jeebies*

i believe T & U had teh best response for this upthread…

 
 

Hopefully this thread will get it’s own bonus chapter in the paperback edition of ‘I See Rude People’

 
 

Expose Althouse to sunlight

But alcohol is a preservative!

 
Marion in Savannah
 

Oh…sorry…I thought I was typing into my bucket list….

Is that like my list? “I have a little list… they’ll none of them be missed.”

 
 

Is that like my list? “I have a little list… they’ll none of them be missed.”

*blush*

Why, um, precisely like that, except different!

 
 

The US flag
The Bible
The Constitution

 
 

Hopefully this thread will get it’s own bonus chapter in the paperback edition of ‘I See Rude People’

You know that she’s chomping at the bit to write up the Amazon episode…

 
 

alvin & the chipmunks
donny osmond
christmas songs

 
 

The US flag
The Bible
The Constitution

Well, since I only marry virgins, that strikes out the Constitution…

 
 

Hannah Giles
Meghan McCain
Jonah Goldberg

 
Enraged Bull Limpet
 

Have license plates ever been discussed here? Yesterday I saw one that actually read:

KC8CUM

–No, really! Can anyone come up with a benign interpretation of that? How did they get that one past the DMV censors?

In a more subtle vein, I’m fond of the following, spotted in California:

EPHUSIK

I’ve often wondered why anyone bothers with vanity plates that neither have a clear significance nor present a solvable puzzle– something that nobody else would possibly get.

 
 

EPHUSIK

That’s actually clever. Almost. It needs a better “ee” sound

 
 

That’s actually clever. Almost. It needs a better “ee” sound

i am dense…please explain…

 
 

2) You can look at GWB with a smirk and say “I’m doing your mom.” As an added bonus, you won’t actually need to do her for this to be believable.

QFT.

 
 

i am dense…please explain…

EPH = F

U = U

SI = C

K = K

 
 

The Senate
Money
Sparkle ponies

 
 

EPH = F

U = U

SI = C

K = K

oooohhh, i c said the blind capenter as he picked up his hammer and saw…

 
 

I’d marry Althouse. Sure the nagging would be nearly intolerable – at least until she passed out in an alcholic stupor. Which would be 95% of the time.
The idea of doing the shrieking harpy makes me want to die, but she is the only mother of the lot.
Alkon being on the kill list is a bit of a silver lining though.

 
 

The US flag
The Bible
The Constitution

You’d have to fuck the flag because paper cuts.
Kill the constitution.
Marry the bible because who listens to the spouse anyway?

 
 

Sparkle ponies

Can I just snuggle with them?

 
 

Fred Basset
Broom Hilda
Andy Capp

 
 

Muh jug
Muh sister
Muh goat

 
 

I would fuck the Bible,
Marry the Constitution, and
Kill the US Flag. Because as Mr. Constitution, there’s no way a flag burning amendment is getting passed.

 
 

I’d do Broom Hilda. She seems pretty good-natured.
Marry Fred Bassett
Kill Andy Capp for all the wife-beating.

 
 

The guy who draws Mallard Fillmore
The guy who draes Day by Day
The Nuge

 
 

Marry the Nuge because mmm, venison burgers!
Fuck the guy who draws Day by Day but don’t expect much in the way of a payoff
Put Mallard Fillmore dude out of his misery

 
 

Wilma
Betty
Mr Slate

 
 

No snugglin’ with this filly.

 
 

gil thorp
mary worth
the girls in apt. 3-g

 
 

Fuck – The guy who draws Mallard Fillmore – He’ll be too drunk to remember and you can lie about it.
Marry – The guy who draes Day by Day – He’s probably got a good pr0n collection.
Kill – The Nuge – With a crossbow perhaps.

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

Daffyd ab Hugh’s sandwich
Meaghan McArdle’s pink Himalayan sea salt
Confederate Yankee’s greeyul

 
 

Kill – PENIS
Marry – BOOBIES
Fuck – POOP (We’ve all been in there before anyway right? Ha ha, sure we have.)

 
 

Schneider from One Day at a Time
Sam the Butcher from the Brady Bunch
Mel from Alice

 
 

Confederate Yankee’s greeyul

I hate you.

 
 

Marry – sammich
Kill – sea salt
Fuck – charcoal grill

 
 

Schneider from One Day at a Time
Sam the Butcher from the Brady Bunch
Mel from Alice

possible triple-tag-team-throwdown with

Amy Alkon
Pam Geller
Ann Alhouse
?

 
 

Doctor Mr Mrs Perfesser
Mrs Doctor Perfesser
Doctor Doctor Gimmedanews

 
 

Fuck Schneider. Everyone’s this disgusting once in a while.
Marry Sam.
Kill Mel.

 
 

John McCain
Cindy McCain
Meghan McCain

 
 

John McCain
Cindy McCain
Meghan McCain

This is kinda gimme, innit?

I mean, you;d fuck the daughter, marry the widow, right? She’s used to having golddiggers sniffing her butt.

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

Amy Alkon’s three-day supply of salami
Amy Alkon’s shit moat
Amy Alkon

 
 

I mean, you;d fuck the daughter, marry the widow, right?

Well I would marry the daughter and fuck the mom.

 
 

way OT, but donny osmond just related a story about a:
farmer who’s
goats produced
more milk when he played
mariah carey christmas songs to them…

christmas may be ruined for me forever…

 
 

I would fuck Mariah Carey, kill the goat and serve it as roti for my Mormon wedding to Donny.

 
 

possible triple-tag-team-throwdown

Not sure how the rest would play out, but Alkon picks Sam the Butcher because free salami logs to carry around in her purse

 
 

Not sure how the rest would play out, but Alkon picks Sam the Butcher because free salami logs to carry around in her purse

She’s been wearing those out at an alarming rate…

 
 

Actor you’re just jealous you didn’t come up with it. Put your plushy glove back on and go back in the bathroom.

All the farm animals took up a collection for your Christmas gift.

 
 

You’d expect goats to have bad taste…but I actually like this song. It makes my ass want to move. So fucking embarrassing.

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

Mickey Kaus
Mickey Kaus’s goat
Mickey Mouse

 
 

All the farm animals took up a collection for your Christmas gift.

You can’t fool me! That was in an episode of Star Trek!

 
 

It makes my ass want to move

I’ll get the forklift, mom…

 
 

Tucker Carlson
George Will
Louis Farrakhan

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

I’ll get the forklift, mom…

*smack*

NOT NICE!

 
 

Have people really never heard of the Kill, Marry, Fuck game? That’s just unAmerican.

That would be me, hatin’ on America 24/7.

(Leave parenthetical addenda alone!!)

 
 

I’ll get the forklift, mom…

I don’t need the forklift yet. I just pay someone to carry it around for me.

 
 

Keyboard Cat
Bonk Bonk Bonk Bonk
Maru

 
 

Space Ghost
The Tick
Nathan Explosion

 
 

NOT NICE!

Have we been introduced?

 
 

Maru! Freakin’ love that cat.

I know I ruin this game. I tend not to want to fuck most of these choices.

 
 

C. Thomas Howell
Thomas Sowell
Clarence Thomas

 
 

(Leave parenthetical addenda alone!!)

Leave yor parents WHAT???????!!!!!!! !!! alone?

 
 

Leave yor parents WHAT???????!!!!!!! !!! alone?

I think it’s a strap-on mom wears…

 
 

And to torment those of us still in offices right now:

Good
Fast
Cheap

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

Have we been introduced?

I thought even bastard covered bastards with bastard filling laid off calling pregnant chicks fat, but I guess I was incorrect.

 
 

Wal-Mart
Nordstroms
Neiman-Marcus

 
 

“offices”

Did anyone else read this as “orifices”?
Nope? I’m the only perv? That’s bullshit.

 
 

Haiku
Limmericks
The Intro to The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air

 
 

Carey Roberts

Jim Hoft

Don Surber

 
 

I thought even bastard covered bastards with bastard filling laid off calling pregnant chicks fat, but I guess I was incorrect.

I did NOT call her fat!

I implied she was a heavy load.

 
 

And it’s bastard COATED bastard with bastard filling, thankyewverymuch….

 
 

Time
In Haste
My Life

 
 

Hitler fashion sense…

No, I heard someone on telebision (corner of the ear) discussing it.

Also.

Let’s kill MJ!

 
 

KMF:

– A person in a permanently vegetative state on full life support who clearly stated in their notarized and legally recognized will that they did not wish to be kept alive by artificial means

– Your soul mate, best friend and co-parent of your children and/or pets who remains your favorite partner in conversation and a continuously inventive and eager sex partner, whom you trust implicitly with your financial well-being and share broad life goals with

– A long-time secret crush who recently revealed that the feeling has been mutual for years but who is moving to a far-off land tomorrow following tonight’s unusual circumstances that find the pair of you sharing a bed, free booze and an eight-ball of blow in the most expensive suite at a Las Vegas hotel

 
 

Finally, something I can fuck. Limmericks…cuz theyre impish and naughty like me.

 
 

Thomas Magnum
Jim Rockford
Columbo

 
 

– A person in a permanently vegetative state on full life support who clearly stated in their notarized and legally recognized will that they did not wish to be kept alive by artificial means

Is he sedated? Cuz that could make a difference.

 
 

I for one try my darndest to keep my perv credentials in top shape.

 
 

Kill Thomas Magnum and steal his car.
Fuck Jim Rockford. On the beach.
Marry Columbo, he’s totes a family man.

 
 

Marry the coma person because Jesus
Kill the going-to-a-foreign-land person because Traitor
Fuck the other one because they are the least realistic and it’s less of a sin to just imagine fucking

 
 

“I for one try my darndest to keep my perv credentials in top shape.”

WTH?

 
 

Hmmm, with a little tweaking D. Aristophanes coma comment could be turned into a scene from Kill Bill.

 
 

‘As the product site suggests, if anyone claims to know what a vagina foot feels like, they are liars.’

 
Enraged Bull Limpet
 

That must mean that they haven’t managed to sell one yet and wouldn’t dream of trying it themselves, so there’s still hope for the world

 
Enraged Bull Limpet
 

I’m still trying to think of a sufficiently twisted trinity that hasn’t already been take. Guess my perv credentials get yanked…

 
Enraged Bull Limpet
 

n

Gotta remember not to do my proofreading in that split second after hitting *submit* while the comment still lingers in the submission box but then No No NOOOOOOO

 
 

I wonder if they make a ski mask like that?

 
 

The idea of doing the shrieking harpy makes me want to die, but she is the only mother of the lot.

Althouse has reproduced at least once. Now whatcha gonna do?

 
 

Althouse has reproduced at least once

That may have been thru parthenogenesis, tho.

 
Enraged Bull Limpet
 

Wicked Witch of the West
Glenda the Good Witch
Toto

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

Toto

The band or the dog?

 
 

Totally marrying Toto. I don’t want Rick Santorum to be proved a liar.

 
 

Totally marrying Toto. I don’t want Rick Santorum to be proved a liar.

Lulz. Oddly, this would probably make him happy…and a little aroused.

 
 

Fast food
Fresh homemade bread
Fresh homemade paella

 
 

Kill fast food
Fuck the bread…it’s the most structurally sound
Marry paella, cuz…yum

 
Enraged Bull Limpet
 

Fast food for the kill
paella for the thrill
taking the bread home to meet mom.

 
 

American
Gouda
Swiss (yes because of the ,um…orifices..orificie?)

 
Enraged Bull Limpet
 

Cheez Whiz
Velveeta
Spam

 
 

Marry Toto? Well, thats one marriage guaranteed to go down the toilet.

 
 

Bill
Poppins
Word Press

Am I making these too easy?

 
 

Well, thats one marriage guaranteed to go down the toilet.

Which would live up to the American Standard.

 
 

Pssst, Limpet, reverse Spam and Cheez Whiz and you might get some extra credit perv cred points. Ooo-oo, and put it in the microwave for awhile too, makes it all mushy and thick and soft and,um…be careful not to get it too hot either, you might burn your p……self.

So I’ve heard.

 
 

Papa Smurf
Smurfette
Gargamel

 
 

Oops! I think I smurfed the thread…

 
 

Smurfs
Snorks
Fraggles

 
 

Anonymous at December 22, 2010 at 12:37
drew42
Hitler

All. One. Guy.

 
 

Rock
Paper
Scissors

 
 

House Party 1
House Party 2
House Party 3

 
 

Creed
Cilantro
Yankee fans

 
 

Marry – The guy who draes Day by Day – He’s probably got a good pr0n collection.

If you consider “Naked Freakshow Carnies” good pr0n.

 
 

Creed
Cilantro
Yankee fans

at least cilantro does not make me puke…

 
 

Well, thats one marriage guaranteed to go down the toilet.

Which would live up to the American Standard.

I now want to fuck actor212

 
 

I now want to fuck actor212

who doesn’t?

 
 

*raises hand, waves *

 
 

Marry one
Fuck guy
KILL ALL!!!!!!!1!!!

 
 

Just got my first WOC gift–an iPad! Syncing it now!!!

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! No more iPhone retard-typing.

 
 

If you consider “Naked Freakshow Carnies” good pr0n.

Hilarious…disturbing.

 
 

Kill Creed
Fuck (over) Yankees fans
Marry cilantro to onions, peppers and tomatoes in a lovely spicy salsa to lather on a delicious taco

 
 

Althouse has reproduced at least once

That may have been thru parthenogenesis, tho.

Doubt it – not even her gaping … thing would take the parthenon.

 
 

Big Blue Marble
That’s Incredible
The Great Space Coaster

 
 

Just got my first WOC gift–an iPad! Syncing it now!!!

yay!!! i totes <3 mine!!! but it will still make you say FYWP repeatedly…

 
 

Alas, I fear nothing can save WP.

 
 

which begs the question…

 
 

I still can’t get the hang of sexting. Using my you know what to type is just so slow and awkward.

 
 

Using my you know what to type is just so slow and awkward

Maybe iPad is good for this?

 
 

Using my you know what to type is just so slow and awkward.

Not to mention messy.

 
 

Yeesh, try using the tiny pad on one of the fancy cell phones. You go blind two different ways.

 
 

I still can’t get the hang of sexting. Using my you know what to type is just so slow and awkward.

Remind me never to borrow your phone.

 
 

So that’s what they meant when they said iPad was going to offer us a bold nude erection!

 
 

Using my you know what to type is just so slow and awkward.

Tentacle?

 
 

Big Blue Marble
That’s Incredible
The Great Space Coaster

You Can’t Do That on Television

 
 

Cheez Whiz
Velveeta
Spam

Two outta three ain’t bad.

 
 

Just got my first WOC gift–an iPad! Syncing it now!!!

World O’ Crap is gifting this yr.?

 
 

Barry Bonds’s stats are not tainted by spurious steroid allegations

Please take that picture of Josh Trevino with a light saber off this post

Zhandovian hackery

 
Enraged Bull Limpet
 

Velveeta

For my Christmas present, I totally want her to come to real-life and bring some Velveeta over to my place.

(Don’t tell the Limpette, pls.)

 
 

Limburger cheese
Rush Limbaugh
The band Rush

 
 

Jessica Rabbit
Jessica from Murder She Wrote
Some girl Jessica I used to know

 
 

Question: Pertaining to the issue of “Fuck”, do I have to use my dick or can I use Actor’s?

 
 

Why is there no “Burn to the ground, which will then be salted”option?

 
 

*I* think there should be a “just cuddle” and “light petting” option.

 
 

Rock
Paper
Scissors

I don’t know about rock or paper, but fucking a pair of scissors seems unwise.

 
 

Paper seems iffy, too. Paper cuts down there…ouchy.

 
 

I would so marry Jessica from Murder She Wrote. She must have earned a lot of money over the years from all those books she writes and I don’t think she spends much by the looks of it. She is getting up in years and lives in a very high crime neighborhood especially for a small New England town . Murder per week! It’s only a matter of time before someone offs her for knowing too much and then I get to inherit!

 
 

Clearly you’ve given this a lot of thought. A disturbing amount.

 
 

Bay Watch
Michael Bay
Bay of Pigs

 
 

*I* think there should be a “just cuddle” and “light petting” option.

What, no hot imaginary blog comment sex option?

 
 

What, no hot imaginary blog comment sex option?

You rang?

 
 

Like you haven’t vacuumslayer.

Also, Travel Tip: Stay away from Baywatch Beach. A couple of people almost drown there every week. Oddly, nobody has died yet.

 
 

“What, no hot imaginary blog comment sex option?”

Why not? I certainly availed myself of that one. *blushes*

 
 

re: Jessica Fletcher

Angela Lansbury was a smoking hot babe back in the day. Remember The Court Jester? With the flagon with the dragon? Hot.

 
 

Personally, I think Baywatch Beach is pretty cool. I can’t run in slow motion, can you?

 
 

I can totally run in slow motion, but every time I do this noise comes out of nowhere.

 
Monkey Knife Fight
 

I cannot be the only person seeing those annoying, yet temporary, pro-For Profit University blogads ads. Am I? They’re annoying as shit, especially since they resemble actual Sadly, No posts.

 
 

Only guys I know have sound effects when they run are superheroes…it all makes sense now…your name, your dominating presence, your intimidating virility and masculinity…yes, it all makes sense now.

 
 

I cannot be the only person seeing those annoying, yet temporary, pro-For Profit University blogads ads. Am I?

Hey, I’ve seen them! Had to make an effort to do it, but I did it. I think they go away after you spot them once; I reloaded the page and they disappeared from both Safari and IE.

 
 

You’re not, several folks have complained. I don’t see them, though: thank you, Adblock plus!

 
 

Not to mention my reckless proclivities towards property damage and my love of capes.

 
 

I knew it!

I love a man who can make a sillouette of himself in a wall as he crashes through it.

 
Monkey Knife Fight
 

Normally, I wouldn’t mind that stealth ad, but these are for the astroturfing for profit universities that are crying about our government finally taking a stand against them.

 
 

Ew, and boy have they misjudged the audience here.

 
 

Normally, I wouldn’t mind that stealth ad

Hmm, I can’t bring ’em back even if I reset Safari. Ugly formatting though; at least needs a space between the normal post box and border and the picture.

 
 

I have the brooding self loathing down pat. All I need is the radioactive spider and/or bat. Any tips?

 
 

Also, a good deal on capes.

 
 

gocart, how do feel about sidekicks? And ancient butlers?

 
 

All I need is the radioactive spider and/or bat. Any tips?

NO MUSICALS.

 
 

I wish I could have made a profit going to a University. A reverse student loan is a capital idea.

 
Xecklothxayyquou Gilchrist
 

Gun Counter Gomer
Ace O’ Bacon and Play-Doh
“Thumbkin” Don Surber

– kill / marry / fuck Sadly, No! in-joke haiku!

 
 

I could use a sidekick as long as I get top billing its I-Reet.

 
 

Tips? Sure. You just got to believe in yourself. You are the Captain of your own Destiny and anything is possible if you try hard enough. And stay in school. And say No to drugs.

And be able to deliver preachy moralizing sermons at the drop of a hat.

PS – capes.

 
 

NO MUSICALS.

Last year, I worked for the musical, doing some theater alts for the show. Fortunately, already been paid.

 
 

OMG. They have sidekick capes.

 
 

Brooklyn Superhero Supply is a pleasant walk from Chez __B. And there’s a specialty beer grocery on the way.

 
 

gocart, how do feel about . . . ancient butlers?

I prefer chamber maids.

 
 

Why can’t I live some place cool?

 
 

Why can’t I live some place cool?

Broken thermostat?

 
 

“I prefer chamber maids.”

That’s well and good, but that may only make a superhero…in the bedroom.

 
Enraged Bull Limpet
 

I was just feeling like whippin’ up a pizza, and holy crap: it’s been five and a half years since Amber Pawlik’s recipe appeared here!

Very, very little continuity in the comment crowd since then, either– but come to think of it, in those days my own infrequent offerings were under a different handle which escapes recollection.

This season often produces a sense of poignant nostalgia, but the kids these days are just making the goddam years go too fast. How many of y’all have been more-or-less regulars for that long?

(First attempt at an embedded URL–is that even what it’s called?–so apologies if I botch it)

 
Enraged Bull Limpet
 

damn, didn’t work

 
 

Here’s my list:

1. Chuck Norris
2. Rebecca Hagelin
3. Armstrong Williams

Hey, this is fun!

 
 

vacuumslayer said,

I prefer chamber maids.

“That’s well and good, but that may only make a superhero…in the bedroom.”

What if she wears a cape?

 
 

There’s some Amber Pawlik in the JanusNode:

Outlive Echo’s Young Swan Croquette

I think I am a silvery hotelier at heart sometimes. Ok, the part of this meal that people really like is the ladyfish tongue.

Ingredients:
1 Xokatonal Threaded’s Swan
6 cans cucumber, deliberately pickled
1 jar Captain Ardelia Lethal’s Derby Sage Cheese
7 pinches ladyfish tongue
4 bags butter
4 jars baking powder

The second thing you are going to want to do is let the swan soften. I recommend cutting it into small dodecahedra to let it soften quicker. Then you are going to roll the Derby Sage Cheese with the cucumber out onto a 9 X 7 (roughly) cookie sheet. Bake the dough at 401 Kelvin. YOU MUST LET THIS COOL BEFORE PUTTING ANYTHING ON TOP OF IT. Let it cool for at least 1/2 hour. You can chop up whatever frustrates you while waiting for it to cool and make the swan center. For the center, mix the ladyfish and the. You can use Owen-Lizette Retraced-Propositioned’s Earless Seal Tentacle but ladyfish is better for this recipe as you want more of a taste. Mix it with a blender until it is very creamy and there are no lumps. Then add in the butter to the swan mix. Spread the swan mix over the cooled Derby Sage cheese bottom. I recommend putting it in dollups over the dough, so you can spread it around easier. Try not to touch the Derby Sage Cheese bottom as you are spreading it. The reason why the Derby Sage Cheese bottom has to be very cool is because otherwise it will start to lift up as you are spreading the Derby Sage cheese. Make sure to get all spots where the Derby Sage Cheese shows. After this is done, sprinkle the butter on top. Don’t try cutting it until you have let it cool in the refrigerator for at least an hour. Before putting it in the refrigerator though, run a knife over the outside of the whole thing, so it is easier to get out later. If you try cutting it into slices before it is cool, the Derby Sage Cheese and the swan will run along the knife with you.

 
 

OK, so while noone’s here it’s a perfect time to plug my new blog entry about sexytime music wherein I discuss music that makes you wanna bow-chika-bow-wow…or just gaze up the moon wistfully. So if you wanna add your two cents…

 
 


What if she wears a cape?”

Ah, the sexy sidekick! You have bested me, sir. Well-played!

 
 

music that makes you wanna bow-chika-bow-wow…

Itty Bitty Bug Song. Hey VS, make your blog display all the comments in a row.

 
 

vs, cool is something that lives inside you. It’s a portable commodity. Teh coolness goes w/you; you carry your own cool. It’s transitive too, it transfers to whatever event or place you go. It’s like Jesus, except it’s real.

Also, too: war on Christmas continues apace at our joint.

 
 

vs, cool is something that lives inside you…

Ahem, its name is Dudeskull.

 
 

The fact is,

1. A liberal
2. Sarah Palin
3. Christine O’Donnell

 
 

Dudeskull is growing on me. In me. I’m so confused!
Also, lulz

 
 

Engorged Limping Bull:

Hints.

Spacing is usually why it doesn’t work. The link will show in preview, & you can click it there to check.

And VS, much as it pains me to admit it, SubMachineGun is right, your site isn’t as user/commenter friendly as it could be. Straighten it up & I’ll mail you pix of my junk, Favre-style, to compete w/ your mams.

By “junk,” I of course mean crap lying around my bunker that no one else in a million yrs. would want. (No way to get out of that one w/o it still sounding smutty. Was going to type, “The stuff I have in my drawers,” but realized that could be worse than the above .)

 
 

*sniff* nobody digs my format. I’ll try to fix that stuff.

Is it wrong that I now want every thread to feature drunk-poems about me?

 
 

We dig you, just not your format so much.

This is how some things look (in Chrome, anyway) f’r example.

 
Enraged Bull Limpet
 

Thanx M. Bouff, I’ll work some more on engorged linking skillz tomorrow. Funny, a test I ran in an ancient entry seemed to work fine.

 
 

Well, you never know. Still dunno what I’m doing wrong, but I can’t get mouse-overs to work here.

 
 

Here, my friends, is your motherfucking WAR ON CHRISTMAS, Cheesis K. Rist, & all of Western Civ.!

 
 

The Daily Mail is not even useful for toilet paper. You probably get anal cancer from the ink.
Trying to find any corroboration for that story turns up links back to that story. Trees died for that!!
No diss for MB, I reckon he knows what the Daily Mule is all about

 
 

Oh I know what it’s all about: T&A, but if course rendered tastefully & w/ a wag of the finger: “Isn’t this awful? Look how awful it is. Simply awful. See?”

Mostly trying to demonstrate what a real war on Christmas would look like.

Chances are the one in the picture is the only one that’s been posted anywhere. xmasisevil site works, barely.

 
 

Funny, a test I ran in an ancient entry seemed to work fine
We’re still talking about Jessica from Murder She Wrote?

 
 

Dodge!
Parry!
THRUST!!!

 
 

Also, over at Tbogg, sampling of a Twitter screngrab makes it look as though he is showing us a quote by someone called ‘Vegan McArdle’.

 
 

cool is something that lives inside you.

As John Hurt found out on the Nostromo, that’s not always a good thing.

 
 

Alien
Godzilla
Megan Fox as a succubus in Jennifer’s Body.

 
 

The second thing you are going to want to do is let the swan soften

Is that code?

 
 

Ronald Weasley
Ronald Reagan
Ronald McDonald

 
 

All I need is the radioactive spider and/or bat. Any tips?

Any New York City sewer ought to suffice, but keep an eye out for the translucent albino alligators.

 
 

As John Hurt found out on the Nostromo, that’s not always a good thing.

I will never be able to see that scene without thinking of Spaceballs.

 
 

“Substance McGravitas said,
December 23, 2010 at 4:33

music that makes you wanna bow-chika-bow-wow…

Itty Bitty Bug Song. Hey VS, make your blog display all the comments in a row.”

I can’t get it to play on my iPad. But I am skeptimacal that it is sexay.

 
 

So I’m in the car on the waY to South Cackalacki with metallica playing at ear-splitting levels trying to get used to typing on my iPad. How long did it take you guys?

 
 

What’s an iPad?

 
 

How long did it take you guys?

Um, all of about a nanosecond, but then I had an iPhone to practice on.

 
 

VS,

Are you on 3G? I can’t imagine your car has WiFi and PLEASE tell me you’re not driving.

 
 

Duh, her knee is driving. She’s busy.

 
 

Duh, her knee is driving. She’s busy.

It’s also possible she trained her fetus

(thanks for the set up 😉 )

 
 

Typing on the iPad is way easier than typing on the Wii but nowhere near as bzzzt-bzz-bzzzt-y.

 
 

Also easier to do in a car.

 
 

I am not driving , actor!

Shit I forgot to bring my wii with me.

 
Snort CVSwkndyay!
 

How many of y’all have been more-or-less regulars for that long?

I was thinking about this when I first wandered back after the lobotomy. I remember Brad actually getting after us for poking sticks in performance trolls.

I believe you were here actor, and DWK, but beyond that my mammary is a bit foggy.

 
 

Shit I forgot to bring my wii with me.

I didn’t realize you could leave your urine behind…

 
Snort CVSwkndyay!
 

sorry, DKW.

 
 

Typing on the iPad is way easier than typing on the Wii

Typing on a Wii is a lot easier than typing on a slate shingle.

 
Snort CVSwkndyay!
 

Pfft, Wii, iPad! Back in my day we had to figure out how to wire our Morse code tappers to our computers. Uphill. In both directions. Barefoot.

What did I tell you about the lawn?!

 
Snort CVSwkndyay!
 

Timed the lawn comment well, didn’t I?

 
 

Pfft, Wii, iPad! Back in my day we had to figure out how to wire our Morse code tappers to our computers. Uphill. In both directions. Barefoot.

We had to do OUR Morse Code in longhand, you and your “tappers”….D’ye know how long et takes to write out “dit dah dah dit dit dah”???????????

 
guitarist manqué
 

Has there been any answers about the inserted articles that occasionally appear within posts here? Screencap of today’s here:

[URL=http://imgur.com/FpVXo][IMG]http://i.imgur.com/FpVXo.png[/IMG][/URL]

 
 

Pfft, Wii, iPad! Back in my day we had to figure out how to wire our Morse code tappers to our computers. Uphill. In both directions. Barefoot.

With 300 baud modems, plugged in to our landlines.

 
 

Guitar,

I’ve been seeing those a lot on Word Press and Typepad blogs. I suspect it’s a function of the template, if you allow ads on your space.

 
 

Acoustic modems. Where you had to cradle the telephone’s handset onto angled foam rings.

 
 

Acoustic modems. Where you had to cradle the telephone’s handset onto angled foam rings.

OURS were connected by string.

 
guitarist manqué
 

I could have done that a little neater I guess.

Screencap of today’s insert here.

 
 

The first time I ever ventured online was on a C64 with an acoustic 300 baud modem. Those were the days, way back in 2008.

 
 

I remember when “on line” was someplace you stood.

 
 

400th

 
 

Damn.

 
 

As John Hurt found out on the Nostromo, that’s not always a good thing.

The John Hurt Moment especially for VS.

 
 

I demand that DKW splain all the stff he’s typing.

 
Snort CVSwkndyay!
 

He’s typing dit-dit-dot-dot-dot dit-dit-dit-dot dot. Dontcha nunnerstan?

 
 

Thread Bare the sound on my iPhone is quite iffy. I watched Coupling for awhile back in the day…

 
 

DKW doesn’t understand that not all us got to see the Rigid Tool.

 
 

I said a dit dot, a ditty-to-the-dipitty dit dit dot….

 
 

My favorite John Hurt moment.:

 
Snort CVSwkndyay!
 

Wasn’t Acoustical Modems an album by Mike Oldfield?

 
 

Those really were the days. We had two 1541 drives! The amount of content you could cram onto that was unbelievable.

 
 

DKW doesn’t understand that not all us got to see the Rigid Tool.

It’s understandable. It’s so small you couldn’t see it more than one row back.

 
 

Those really were the days. We had two 1541 drives! The amount of content you could cram onto that was unbelievable.

HAH!

Our RAM was two sheep with horns tied to their heads.

 
 

It’s so small you couldn’t see it more than one row back.

That’s a wide row then. The Ridgid Tool is five feet long. And chrome.

 
 

Acoustical Modems
The internet is a series of tubular bells?

 
 

That’s a wide row then. The Ridgid Tool is five feet long. And chrome.

Yes, and you’re a stud…this is the internet after all.

 
Snort CVSwkndyay!
 

The Ridgid Tool is five feet long. And chrome.

Steely Dan?

 
 

Yes, and you’re a stud…this is the internet after all.

Let me try that again. The Ridgid Tool is five feet long.

 
Snort CVSwkndyay!
 

Oh brother, another pee-pee battle.

 
 

Mmmm, peeks and pokes.

Y’know, normally I’d be concerned about someone with such an…eclectic knowledge…of minutiae.

But then I remember who you are and realize I’m just in the middle of a “do not adjust your set” moment.

 
 

Let me try that again. The Ridgid Tool is five feet long.

I notice no women touch it. Is that a design flaw or a feature?

It’s one thing to have a tool that large and rigid, quite another to know how to use it.

Me, I would have chosen a pipe snake for the mascot, but then, I’m a more enlightened kinda guy.

 
 

Is there any really really cheap but fubnctional vx recog. s/w? Sliced MAH FINGERS off (not quite) lst night – typing is iffy?

 
 

Don’t forget – every tool needs a box! (actual sign I saw on a hardware shop)

 
 

Poopy, for a PeeCee? Dragon is supposed to be the best. For the iPhone? None that I know of but I’ll go check.

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

Sliced MAH FINGERS off (not quite) lst night – typing is iffy?

Jesus Christ, Peej.How are you not dead yet?

 
 

Ooops, looks like Dragon has an iApp too! It’s called “Dragon Dictation”

Hm, I may end up downloading that just for shits and giggles.

 
 

Jesus Christ, Peej.How are you not dead yet?

Give me a break, I’m trying!

 
 

Give me a break, I’m trying!

If you’re going for the Death by a Thousand Cuts method, you’re not supposed to let the first cuts heal.

 
 

Oh my! that’s a big tool! And so rigid. Sees a lot of action, and no wonder…

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

Give me a break, I’m trying!

Done anything involving fire yet? That seems like it would be effective. If painful.

 
 

Mmmm, peeks and pokes.

Hmmm, Where is the ‘HCF’* location?

*Halt and Catch Fire. Some early personal computers could be ignitied by software.

 
 

In fairness to Jets coach Rex Ryan, those are some damn fucking fine feet his babe wife has

 
 

damn fucking fine feet his babe wife has

I now see the advantage in having a human centipede. Back later.

 
 

Did you mistakenly invite zrm to Christmas dinner?

Here’s your solution

 
 

Me, I would have chosen a pipe snake for the mascot, but then, I’m a more enlightened kinda guy.

I’m actually alumnus of my hometown skule. Our mascot is a cannon. And generally speaking, yes only guys handle the Ridgid Tool, also the Skule Cannon. They’re engineering mascots.

Queen’s Greased Pole however gets hundreds of F!rosh climbing all over it and a good couple dozen of them are chicks.

 
 

In fairness to Jets coach Rex Ryan…

Heh heh. Foot ball. Heh.

 
 

Queen’s Greased Pole however gets hundreds of F!rosh climbing all over it

That Queen is such a slut.

Wait…isn’t that your mom?

 
Big Bad Bald Bastard
 

Kill! Marry! Fuck!

Soon to be a film starring Julia Roberts.

Apologies if it’s been written before.

 
 

Kill! Marry! Fuck!

Soon to be a film starring Julia Roberts.

And directed by Russ Meyers.

Obviously, ol’ Julia’s hooters will get a little enhancement.

 
 

Oh come on now! I can’t be the only male of a certain age in this place familiar with the oeuvre of Turi Satana!

 
Big Bad Bald Bastard
 

Oh come on now! I can’t be the only male of a certain age in this place familiar with the oeuvre of Turi Satana!

Those, sir, are fighting words!

 
 

It doesn’t surprise me Rex Ryan is a foot fetishist considering how often he puts his foot in his mouth.

 
 

From w-a-y back in the thread:

Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel and Jessica Simpson?

I don’t kill and I don’t marry. I would fuck them all. (Same session would be nice!) My tastes–as it were–would be Biel, Alba, Simpsons.

I’m randy today. Randy Newman.

 
 

Those, sir, are fighting words!

D cups at thirty paces?

 
 

I’m randy today. Randy Newman.

Now, is this “Burn On” Newman or “I Love LA” Newman?

Cuz it makes a difference…

 
 

Meh, you spellchecked while I stared at her boobs.

 
 

My tastes–as it were…

go Chobot, Chobot, Alba, Chobot again, Biel, Fletcher, Chobot, Chobot and then Chobot.

 
 

Biel, Fletcher, Chobot

Jessica? Fletcher?

The, um, ancient writer from Cabot Cove?

 
 

The, um, ancient writer from Cabot Cove?

Yes. Please try and follow along.

 
 

Yes. Please try and follow along.

Well, I mean, OK, except now you’re dumping Simpson, which you said later on. I thought perhaps you switched teams.

 
 

…except now you’re dumping Simpson

Well soooorrrrreeeeee. Okay, add her to the queue.

 
 

What’s a chobot?

 
 

And this is a choadbot.

Not to be confused.

 
Big Bad Bald Bastard
 

The, um, ancient writer from Cabot Cove?

“Kill! Marry! Fuck!” she wrote.

 
 

I feel like there should be hawt dude equivalent for all these hawt chick choices. Ok:

Christian Bale
Michael Vartan

The dudes from the lthe Ketel One vodka commercial
I’ll take the dude with the stubble and aquiline nose. I’ll take him several times.

 
 

Linking an image search for Jessica Chobot while I’m reading S,N! at work is a cruel cruel cruel thing to do.

I hope you are in an office somewhere or maybe pretending to pay attention at a staff meeting when you see this video of fainting goats on your iPhone.

 
 

Okay here’s another one from w-a-y back in the thread. (I’m willing to play the Kill and Marry game when it doesn’t involve real people.)

The US flag
The Bible
The Constitution

I would kill the Constitution. It’s as broken as the Articles of Confederation. Call a convention and go to a parliamentary system–like (almost) every country in the fucking world. (Even the most repressive regimes use a parliamentary fiction for their repression.) Keep the independent judiciary and the Bill of Rights–except the Second. We’ll fill the hole with the 14th. Plus we could fix the state boundaries!

Fuck the flag. I agree with SMcG: No splinters or paper cuts. Plus people around the world mostly despise it now. And while we’re at it let’s go to ‘America the Beautiful.’ Fuck that ‘rocket’s red glare’ and ‘bombs bursting in air’ shit.

Marry the Bible. Okay, I’m a self-identified covert Christian. (At least I’m out of the closet here.) But it would be an Open Marriage: I’m out the door whenever the worst crap from the Old Testament is trotted out. And much of the stuff in the Epistles, too. I’m a Four Gospels kinda guy!)

Also: I like the Randy Newman, period. Some songs better than others, of course. He’s an inventive lyricist.

 
 

Ladies, gay dudes….can I get an Amen?
For realz.

Also too ralph fiennes and Sean bean.

No pretty boys pwease.

 
Big Bad Bald Bastard
 

Marry the Bible. Okay, I’m a self-identified covert Christian. (At least I’m out of the closet here.) But it would be an Open Marriage: I’m out the door whenever the worst crap from the Old Testament is trotted out. And much of the stuff in the Epistles, too. I’m a Four Gospels kinda guy!)

So, will you be seeing the Bagahvad Gita on the side?

 
 

No pretty boys pwease.

Your Ketel One boys looked a bit on the metrosexual side.

Daniel Craig? Or is he outside the acceptable age range?

 
 

Metrosexual is fine with me. But that one dude is very…masculine.

Daniel Craig definitely has his charms and is manly.

 
 

Also he won me over as bond. No easy feat.

 
 

How many of y’all have been more-or-less regulars for that long?

Enraged Bull: I began as a spot lurker about three years ago; I began daily lurking during HTML Mencken’s peak period. (He was great on providing hooks for thread, imo). As daily lurker, I would sometimes put up an appreciative comment–as IceNine–when I ended my session. I distinctly remember highlighting some of yourposts.

I’m only a very recent commenter–about two weeks.

 
Big Bad Bald Bastard
 

I’m only a very recent commenter–about two weeks.

It’s about time! I still consider myself one of the n00bs.

 
 

… kill inappropriate use of semi-colons, marry alphabetical enumeration, fuck parenthetical addenda…

You left out killing the ellipsis! Good thing, because I don’t know what I’d do without my precious ellipsis! And you can pry semi-colons from my cold dead… hands.

I can live happily without alphabetical enumeration, and I’ve been weaning myself (cool-turkey) from parenthetical addenda. It’s hard though.

 
 

I’m a huge ellipsis-abuser.


 
 

So, will you be seeing the Bagahvad Gita on the side?

You bet! I like what I’ve read of the Upanishads. (Kama Sutra, too, in my days as an Orthodox Hedonist.) The Qu’ran is on my reading list. I also enjoy ancient pagan mythology.

I’m celebrating Festivus today. I always like The Airing of the Grievances. My list this looks pretty much like my 2009 list: Most are about the Obama administration and the Democratic ‘Party”.

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

Daniel Craig?

Hm? What was that about my boyfriend, again?

 
Big Bad Bald Bastard
 

I’m celebrating Festivus today. I always like The Airing of the Grievances.

I did the Airing of Grievances when the landlord came over- the upstairs tenant hasn’t paid his rent for months, is going to be evicted in a week and a half, and tends to leave the front door of the house open, letting cold air into my apartment. I suspect that my landlord and I aren’t the only people who want to throw him down a flight of stairs.

 
 

Also too ralph fiennes and Sean bean. No pretty boys pwease.

I’m hetero, but I can totally get behind–see what I did there?–Sean Bean. I’ve enjoyed his work since Sharpe’s Rifles. He’s been in some not-so-great films (e.g, Troy), but he always turns in an excellent performance. His Boromir in Fellowship of the Ring was superb acting, IMO.

 
 

ellipsis…es? ellipsi? ellipsae? wev, those little dots are old and busted, the com-lipsis™ is the way of the future,,,™

 
Big Bad Bald Bastard
 

I’m hetero, but I can totally get behind–see what I did there?–Sean Bean.

So, you’d bone Bean?

 
 

AHEM. I think there is a TOPIC here.

Sean Bean
Daniel Craig
Ralph Fiennes

 
 

Damn, DKW,,,fuckin’ trendsetter,,,mad props.

Also, damned if I know the plural of the word. Or “penis”

 
 

Kill Daniel Craig, cuz if you can kill bond, you’re a fucking badass
Fuck Ralph Fiennes cuz did you see him in the remake of Wuthering Heights playing the broodiest brooder that ever brooded? I loves me some brooders
Marry Sean Bean cuz no one will joke about his being gay just cuz he’s British…also, as Snidely noted–BORAMIR!

 
 

So, you’d bone Bean?

It’s not how I happen to be wired. Sean Bean is rugged, handsome (not a ‘pretty boy’), manly, and athletic. I think Sean Bean should be on the list for all the folks–men and women–who are attracted to men. If I were wired differently, he would be at the top of my Hawt List….

 
 

If I were wired differently, he would be at the top of my Hawt List…

In other words you get a big throbbing faggy boner for Sean Bean.

 
 

Sean Bean
Mr. Bean
Judge Roy Bean

 
Big Bad Bald Bastard
 

Orson Bean

 
 

Sean Bean
Mr. Bean
Judge Roy Bean

Three Bean Salad?

 
 

Bean Sidhe

 
 

Course there’s always ole L.L.

 
 

In other words you get a big throbbing faggy boner for Sean Bean.

Alas, big throbbing boners–faggy or straight–seldom arise at my age.

 
 

Fuck Sean Bean
Marry Mr. Bean – entertainment ’til death do you part
Kill Judge Roy Bean

 
Phoenician in a time of Romans
 

Sean Bean
Mr. Bean
Judge Roy Bean

Three Bean Salad?

Well, “marry” is ruled out, but are you talking about cannibalism or carnal knowledge?

 
 

Bean there, done that.

I sort of lost track of the original criteria, but I’d fuck, marry, and kill Ronald McDonald. Not, however, in that order.

 
 

Also, damned if I know the plural of the word. Or “penis”

PENIS actually has multiple plural forms. It goes one PENIS, polyorchidism, triple threat, slow night for actor’s mom, fits like a glove.

 
Enraged Bull Limpet
 

Is Frances Bean Cobain eighteen yet? I lose track…………………….

 
Big Bad Bald Bastard
 

How ’bout:

Orson Bean
Orson Welles
‘orson knave

 
Enraged Bull Limpet
 

…………….Never mind. The mother-in-law issues would be a dealbreaker.

 
 

DKW made me smile at my iPhone like I was lookin’ at photos of my lover’s throbbing boner.

 
 

DKW made me smile at my iPhone like I was lookin’ at photos of my lover’s throbbing boner.

You weren’t supposed to open those pictures until Christmas.

 
 

Damn you Dampniche.

I’m totally hooked on your book and I don’t even like horror genre.

Furker.

 
 

Whale Chowder, I had you at “read this entire novel for clues to how to win a million dollars,” didn’t I.

 
 

photos of my lover’s throbbing boner.

Animated gifs rule.

 
 

Should there be an s at the end of the last word?

 
 

“You weren’t supposed to open those pictures until Christmas”

I couldn’t wait, baby.

 
 

From w-a-y back:

Snort: Pfft, Wii, iPad! Back in my day we had to figure out how to wire our Morse code tappers to our computers. Uphill. In both directions. Barefoot.

Malaclypse: With 300 baud modems, plugged in to our landlines.

Much better than 300 bad anti-personnel frags plugged in to our land mines.
Ban them!

 
 

I couldn’t, either. Is this really you, VS?

 
 

my iPhone like I was lookin’ at photos of my lover’s throbbing boner.

Like this?

 
Enraged Bull Limpet
 

True story: I saw The Life and Times of Judge Roy Bean while zonked on acid, at a theater in Anchorage, AK, ca. 1974.

It was actually rather entertaining…………er, I think.

 
 

I had you at “read this entire novel for clues to how to win a million dollars,” didn’t I.

Dammit, I missed that on the back cover.

I can assure you, however, that your novel is not the very best dinnertime reading material.

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

I think Mr. Bean would make a lovely husband!

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

I can assure you, however, that your novel is not the very best dinnertime reading material.

Not unless you’re bulimic.

 
 

True story: I saw The Life and Times of Judge Roy Bean while zonked on acid, at a theater in Anchorage, AK, ca. 1974.

War stories, eh? Clockwork Orange, shrooms, ’77.

Memorable? Memorable.

 
TruculentandUnreliable
 

I once saw The Fast and the Furious on 36 ounces of Diet Coke and a bag of gummy worms…

 
 

I’m totally hooked on your book and I don’t even like horror genre.

I’m a little over half way through. I’m still waiting for the part with the female zombie dancing out of the grave playing a conga drum and drinking rum. If that’s not in there, I call not real zombies!

 
 

The Kama Sutra
The Lord of the Rings
Gravity’s Rainbow

 
 

I saw The Life and Times of Judge Roy Bean while zonked on acid, at a theater in Anchorage, AK, ca. 1974.

Ditto, hashish and speed, Augsburg, circa 1975.

 
Big Bad Bald Bastard
 

I’m still waiting for the part with the female zombie dancing out of the grave playing a conga drum and drinking rum.

Thinking of Linnea Quigley now… I’ll be in my bunk.

I’ll be playing this as a soundtrack.

 
 

I don’t even like horror genre.

I have a strong aversion to it. No diss of Spengler! I’ve read nothing but praise for his work.

 
 

Exiting for several hours. Have fun!

 
 

The Persecution and Assassination of Jean-Paul Marat as Performed by the Inmates of the Asylum of Charenton Under the Direction of the Marquis de Sade

Medea

Cats

(Okay, <now I’m exiting!)

 
 

Fuck Marat-Sade, ‘cuz, KINK-eeeee!
Kill Cats–Oh wait, you meant the play…yeah, definitely kill.
Wait, that leaves marry Medea…can I think about this awhile?

 
Enraged Bull Limpet
 

36 ounces of Diet Coke and a bag of gummy worms

DIET Coke? Lightweight. That’s like dropping de-acidulated LSD.

 
 

George Romero did some filming for Day of the Dead in our little hamlet and stayed at the beach resort I was working at at the time. He came back and stayed with us again and then bought a house just up the road. Obviously, this makes me an expert on zombie stories, so when I give Rise Again 4 thumbs up (based on what I’ve read so far) you’d better believe it!

 
 

“4 thumbs up” what, exactly?

 
 

As tomorrow is observed X, “Season’s Greetings” to everyone left back east (Not an invitation: Stay there!!) who has finally left work, drunk, & is staggering/driving/riding home.

Don’t get mugged for Jesus!

 
 

Yer mom.

 
 

…that’s in answer to “4 thumbs up” what, exactly?

 
 

Put the X back in Xmas.

 
Enraged Bull Limpet
 

The Brothers Karamazov
War and Peace
The Pet Goat

 
 

I can assure you, however, that your novel is not the very best dinnertime reading material.

Somebody has reached the infected hand part, I think.

The Very Hungry Caterpillar
The Holy Bible
Car & Driver Magazine’s August issue from 1983

 
 

Here’s 3 for ya….
Gallagher
Carlos Mencia
Kathy Griffin

 
 

Yer mom.

Joke’s on you, she’s dead & her body went to “science,” so you can’t even exhume her!!

 
 

her body went to “science”

Gastronomy?

 
 

UCLA Med School. Funerals are expensive, I am cheap.

 
 

But wait. I came not to bury my mother, but to congratulate Substance on finally getting some work.

 
 

congratulate Substance on finally getting some work.

The board has YES NO and EXPLODE.

 
 

Plus which, Sp. Dampniche, are there any damp niches at your hillside pad, or did the hill hold?

And you might want to read this if you ain’t.

 
 

No, wait, meant this. Didn’t know there was that much discussion of the subject.

 
 

No disrespect to our gracious hosts, but this thread is getting old and stinky. It’s almost WOC-Eve; Santa, can we pleeeeeeeeze have a new thread soon? I’m getting ready to head home now, and I would like to enjoy a nice, fresh thread while I sip the bottle of Bulleit bourbon my boss gave me (Yeah, my job rocks) and enjoy a nice fire while I listen to World Cafe. It this too much to ask?

 
 

It this too much to ask?

Yes.

 
 

Fuck Karamazov
Marry War and Peace
Kill the Goat

 
 

Nietzsche
Camus
Any logical positivist (I’m looking at you, A.J. Ayer…)

 
 

Geology
Evolutionary biology
Astrology

(Now it’s time for chow. Back later.)

 
 

Well, it’s no new thread, but I did find a most awesome link to those Mad Magazine christmas carol parodies from the 70’s, and posted it over at my joint.

 
the ugly hunchback that washes dishes and rings the dinner bell
 
 

Trying out this posting from the iPad deal. Typing is pretty sweet, but trying to select stuff is a pain in the ass.

Also problematic, tags. Three buttons to get an “<“!!!!!!
TEN to close an italic!!!

 
 

Luddites Rule! (in the 19th century, anyway)

 
 

I find typing hard. Maybe I’m just retarded.

 
 

I often find it hard waking up in the morning

 
 

Try going to sleep in the morning & getting up in the afternoon. Works for me, I was up at the crack of 1300, & bright-eyed & bushy tailed*.

*Emphatically NOT a VFR.

 
 

“Steerpike said,
December 24, 2010 at 3:01

I often find it hard waking up in the morning”

D’oh!

 
 

You know what else is hard?

 
 

Not your mom.

 
 

GOOFBALLS!!

 
 

*pout* DKW, don’t keep keep me in suspense. What’s hard?

 
 

He’s thinking. Obviously, very hard.

 
Marion in Savannah
 

Just done making about 12 dozen cookies… For the foodies:

Bobby Flay
Mario Batali
Alex Guarnaschelli

Now back to the kitchen to make more fudge…

 
 

Damn foodies, always getting grosses of cookies! (No raisins, we hope.)

 
Marion in Savannah
 

(No raisins, we hope.)

In COOKIES???? Not in MY house…! This evening it was spice cookies, tomorrow morning it will be the world’s easiest peanut butter cookies. It’s not so much that I loathe raisins, but putting one of them in a cookie is a sin against the Holy Spirit. Just sayin’….

 
 

There’s a motion-sensor snowman that talks to you when you walk into the bathroom, here at the inlaws. Pretty freakin’ creepy. Plus it watches me pee. Pervert.

Also, too I can’t believe DKW isn’t here to play with me. *pout* he must have a life or something! Perhaps he will favour me with some poetry later…

 
 

The snowperv just asked me “Whatcha doin?!” You know very well, pee-watcher.

 
 

Spindle
Fold
Mutilate

 
 

Hey, I made fudge today, too: coffee oreo. It turned out orgasmically good.

 
 

Sorry bout vanishing like that, someone’s mother needed a little something.

 
 

You know what else is hard?

Hitler.

 
Marion in Savannah
 

a motion-sensor snowman that talks to you when you walk into the bathroom

Sweet Baby Jesus on a tricycle… Words fail me. Is there a good pharmacy nearby? They can sell you catheters so you don’t need to go in there…

 
 

The snowperv just asked me “Whatcha doin?!” You know very well, pee-watcher.

Tinkle, tinkle little perv
How I wonder where you swerve
Up above the can so high
Like a stalker in the sky

 
 

Wait. Is vs commenting from atop the porcelain throne?

 
 

If I were designing a motion-detector snowman for use in a washroom, I’d put a ten second delay between triggering and commenting.

 
Marion in Savannah
 

I’m off to snuggle in the arms of Morpheus. I’ll probably have horrendous nightmares about talking peeing snowmen. Thanks a pantload, VS…. Oh, by the way, Merry Christmas to y’all.

 
 

“Dragon-King Wangchuck said,
December 24, 2010 at 4:54

Wait. Is vs commenting from atop the porcelain throne?”

Lulz. No! I am in bed…and about to visit the magical world of Nod, where the unicorns frolic in fields of daffodils and the dragons have a noble and brave king.

N_B, that was fucking hilarious.

Ti-ti,,,babygotosleepnow.

 
 

Perhaps he will favour me with some poetry later…

Your wish is my command, milady.

‘Twas the night after we did it on a Sadly, No! thread.
Disturbing the reg’lars with our antics in bed.

Your stockings, they rubbed ‘gainst my hips which were bare,
Since you pulled off my pants with that devilish flair.

We did it with rhythm, it was a poetry thread
I am trying my best not to comment ’bout “head”.

Folks they were shocked at our wanton embrace
Impressive considering the perverts in this place.

“Go get a room!” they told us we must
They wanted no part of our comment thread lust.

But onwards we went, their pleas were ignored
Because virtual fucking sure beats being bored

But now that I think back on last night’s fun
I can’t quite recall if either of us cum(med)

So please let me take this chance to do right
This night before Xmas Eve. It’ll be XXX-mas night.

 
 

Nuts. This poetry bit takes too damn long.
Well being asleep never stopped actor’s mom
And that woman taught me everything I know about sex.

 
 

Hi guys! Been busy – between the HUGE fucking bandage on my finger (seven stitches, fwiw), Xmas (before you complain, realize the ‘X’ comes from the Greek for “Christ”, bitchez) and today being The Ho’s B’day, I been running.

For his B’day dinner:
Seared foie gras draped with roasted chicken demi and lingonberries.
Salad of butter lettuce and mesclun, roasted red beets, caramelized pecans, supremes of blood orange, thinly sliced red onion and crumbled Rogeue Creamery blue, dressed with a sherry vinegar vinaigrette.
Ossu buco served with rice and the most kick ass gremolata EVAH!
Fritter like things except they’re baked using a slightly sweet pastry dough with mixed berries and creme Chantilly.

Buttseks.

Oh various Oregon wines throughout, except _maybe_ for the last course.

 
 

If you could hack into the talking snowman’s speech gizmo (the technical term is actually “gizmo”) it might be fun to reprogram it to say other things.

 
 

That is fucking hot there PM. Are the thinly sliced onions and the seven stitches related?

 
 

John
Paul
Ringo

[you don’t get George; he’s all mine.]

 
 

http://www.balloon-juice.com/2010/12/23/tyrone-shoelaces-v-the-baby-jeebus/#comment-2310640

Read Barb and Cerberus owning those dudes!!

And so this isn’t totally off topic: poop also dkw’s mom is similar to a tonton!

 
 

also dkw’s mom is similar to a tonton!

Or a tontine: last one living has to fuck her.

 
 

Happy birthday to your man, Peej. Dinner sounds great, enjoy dessert round x.

 
 

Calling all Canucks! Do the Francophones among you really call egg-nog “chicken milk?”

taught me everything I know about sex

After that pome [sic] I’ve been trying to forget everything I knew about sex.

 
 

Are the thinly sliced onions and the seven stitches related?

Alas, no. The stitches cam from attempted chicken dissection last night, post a martini or seven.

 
 

PM, hope it heals well. I hear that Vitamin E (not ecstasy, actual vitamin E) is supposed to be good for scar minimization.

M. Yes, lait de poule = milk of/from chickens.

 
 

Plenty of us anglo-canooks use the phrase “chicken milk” for egg nog as well.

Y’all can go and make your jokes about how one goes about milking chickens, stroking the bird until we are extracting white fluid from cocks. LOL.

 
 

Alors, espèce d’un con, je parle bien français, c’est pourquoi j’ai demand&eacute! Pourtant, je sais rien des Pepsis,

Joyeux Noël quand-même! Et ta mère aussi, hein?

 
 

La HTML, c’est quelque chose d’autre!

 
 

Nuts. This poetry bit[@5:30] takes too damn long.

But it was totally worth waiting for. One of the highliights of this Long and Winding Thread.

I’m going off to bed, off to sleep, and into tonight’s Dream Movie.

Merry Christmas or Happy Solstice or whatever you prefer. Warm season’s greetings to all.

 
 

je sais rien

Parler, oui, écrire, not so effing much.

 
the ugly hunchback that washes dishes and rings the dinner bell
 

Thers
Thers
Thers

 
 

Kill Peter Griffin
Fuck Lois Griffin
Marry Brian Griffin

 
 

PM, you’re prolly long gone* but in any case, happy Ho day.

*VER

 
Enraged Bull Limpet
 

Oh, shit: incoming flak from Philadelphia!

 
 

Aw-reet, turning off the devil-box now, you can all come out.

 
 

“Your wish is my command, milady.”

BRA-VO!

Also you *actually* wrote me a poem. [/officially charmed]

If you’ve got a fainting couch on you, better bust that shit out now–I’m about to swoon.

 
 

If you’ve got a fainting couch on you, better bust that shit out now–I’m about to swoon.

Um, it’s actually not a couch – I’m just glad to see you.

 
 

Kill whatever’s stopping a new post from going up.
Marry whoever puts up a new post.
Fuck, put up a new post already.

 
 

Kill whatever’s stopping a new post from going up.

As much as we all love fresh thread and hate all things Chirstmas, I think it’s quite reasonable for the overlords to be spending a bit of time looking for gifts for their moms.

Note for our gracious hosts: if you still can’t find the perfect stocking stuffer, feel free to give my contact information to your mothers.

 
 

Also, too. As EBL pointed out – War on Christmas is a horrible horrible time filled with YouTubes so toxic and foul that they make YouTube comment threads seem reasonable. Is that what you really want? Webvideos of taste destruction? Things that not even overproof-rum laced chicken milk will let you unsee? Stuff that didn’t even make the cut for Eurovision?

 
 

Note for our gracious hosts: if you still can’t find the perfect stocking stuffer, feel free to give my contact information to your mothers.

Never have I seen such a genteel invitation to a Bobbitting.

 
 

A Bobbitt, a rash kid, my PENIS in a basket
She chopped my Wang
and Chucked that thang
out the window of her car.

 
 

Oh. Now that I finally opened the main page in Safari (as opposed to Opera) I see that ad thing about which y’all have been going on. Huh. Gotta feed the hamsters.

 
 

Also POOP.

 
 

This bit of news has been around since yesterday, so pardon me if someone linked to it before in this never-ending zombie thread, but it like totally freaks my neurons.

Light one up with the happy reefer man.

 
 

Krampus will soon be here! O boy o boy!!!!

 
 

Who is that guy and what have they done with Pat Robertson?

 
the ugly hunchback that washes dishes and rings the dinner bell
 

Althouse
Virgin in Wisconsin
Sheep

http://althouse.blogspot.com/2010/12/virgin-mary-in-wisconsin.html

The best part: here’s her headline
The Virgin Mary in Wisconsin.
Officially validated by the Roman Catholic Church.
BUT! SADLY, NO!

sethfontana said…

Be aware, Ann: it’s a diocesan approbation. The bishop considers the apparition “worthy of belief (although not obligatory) by the faithful”, BUT neither the Holy See nor the Episcopal Conference of Bishops have manifested their position. So the title “Officially validated by the Roman Catholic Church” can be a bit misleading

 
 

BTW, if anyone wants to see video of the talking bathroom snowman that freaked out vs, I’ve got video posted over at my joint.

 
 

Just curious, how many of you will actually give a flying fuck this Christmas?

 
 

For all the Neil Gaiman fans: Nicholas Was.

 
 

re: Flying Fuck

•7 Minute fly time, 10 minute charge time

I haven’t had a refractory period that short since your mom abused the magic tantric sex button on my prostate.

 
 

Groucho
Harpo
Chico

 
 

Jesus
God
The Holy Ghost

 
 

Baby Jesus
Republican Jesus
“The Jesus” Quintana

 
 

Dasher
Prancer
Dancer

 
 

This just in:

Fox News reports Osama Bin Laden wants to shoot down Santa’s sleigh with a missle fired from the Ground Zero Mosque. Trike Force on Full Alert.

What?

 
 

Jesus
God
The Holy Ghost

As with the McCains, I’d fuck the parent and marry the child. How sweet would that be? Leaning over in bed and whispering in Jesus’ ear “I fucked your dad. They say that He endures, but He only does so for about three and a half minutes.”

 
 

a large portion of the rest of the pig reminds me of human flesh – T&U

And you know this how?

 
 

OK I’ll play

KILL the bible
FUCK the flag
MARRY the Constitution

That is all.

 
 

I prefer the KILL?EAT?FUCK? variant of the game, as in

Kill the poor
Eat the rich
Fuck the middle class

 
 

You all are some sick mother fuckers!

 
 

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