Sadly, No!

So maybe I’ve been off form with the fizzier, more rollickingly rowdy-dow writing in recent days — and I’m not saying that I haven’t.

But here’s a consideration: When was the last time you saw conservatives plan and execute a graffiti hit? When was the last time, moreover, you saw one that happened alongside a big, all-points media effort?

The answer is that you haven’t, because conservatives don’t do moonlight graffiti bombings in tandem with press campaigns.

Above: Shepard Fairey’s studio, Los Angeles, CA, September 14

Then again, remember the new wingnut dirty-tricks crews² I was talking about?

Update: The photo comes from someone who gets good and prompt inside dish from both Acorn and Fairey, and who thinks the stenciling was a wingnut hit job. (Other instances of the stencil have appeared around LA.) This item at a local site, The Eastsider LA, makes it seem that it’s just Fairey being an annoying artfuck. Developments as they develop.

ABOVE: James Percival Hoft, Fourth Earl of
Grosconnard and First Pundit of Gateway

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Those three solemn words — “It. Has. Begun.” — intoned solemnly by Jim Hoft at the beginning of the headline to his latest post are, as followers of Hoft’s unique brand of unintentional comedy now well know, Hoft’s signature warning of the rapid unfolding of the latest horrifying events perpetrated by the liberal hordes intent upon destroying the world as conservatives know it and reducing all conservatives to modern-day serfs, confined to their trailers and cottages, forced to do the liberals bidding by writing condom instruction manuals for first graders at minimum wage or less, unable to afford even a small stuffed-crust pizza or a can of Dr. Pepper and forced to subsist on stale whole-wheat biscuits and tepid ditch water until they at last renounce their religion and their country and sign an oath of absolute and eternal fealty to Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, Barney Frank and the Negro Muslim usurper in the White House.

So what is the latest manifestation of the Obamapocalypse? You need only to read the rest of Hoft’s headline to find out: “State-Run Media Now Harassing Truth Czar¹ Joe Wilson’s Children.” Yes, indeedy, and a “heh” too. Obama has sent out his flying media monkeys to swoop down on Wilson’s young children and then fly them back to the Oval Office where they will be sodomized by Rahm Emanuel before being offered as human sacrifices to Allah.

No, seriously, what is Hoft complaining about now? Has the media sent reporters to Wilson’s house to peer through his kitchen window to see if he has granite countertops? Are reporters waiting outside Wilson’s door and setting upon his children as they leave for elementary school, demanding to know what’s in their lunch boxes and whether their father shouts the n-word at the TV every time he sees Obama? Are they checking to see if Wilson’s kids have ever checked out Little Black Sambo or The Turner Diaries from the library?

Er, no. The shameless harassment of Wilson’s children consists solely and entirely of the AP printing a statement of Wilson’s son Alan, who is an Iraq war veteran, lawyer, father, and candidate for South Carolina Attorney General. I think we can reasonably conclude that Alan is just a little bit older than twelve. He’s probably way on the north side of twenty-one at this point. And Alan is campaigning for public office in South Carolina. He likes to talk to reporters. He gives television interviews. It’s what campaigners do. Talking to a reporters is about as unpleasant for Alan Wilson as a a second Hardee’s Monster Thickburger is for the Doughy Pantload or as doing the ol’ fappity-fappity in the tool shed while listening to the original Broadway cast album of Annie on his Zune is for Hoft. More to the point, Alan Wilson gives interviews to reporters with more enthusiasm than Pamela Geller gives head to John Bolton. This is not harassment.

At this point, is there anything at all that Hoft doesn’t see as a harbinger of the commencement — “It. Has. Begun.” — of the Obamapocalypse? When Michigan beats Notre Dame, does Hoft see this as a part of the first wave of liberal attacks on the Catholic Church that won’t stop until the half-time entertainment for all college football games involves driving a mobile abortion clinic onto the 50-yard line, a gay marriage ceremony in the, er, end-zone, and an ACORN marching band playing L’Internationale? Does Hoft think the shortening hours of daylight each day are arranged by liberals in order to make teabaggers march in the dark and to give ACORN more cover of darkness in which to conspire with prostitutes, drug dealers and rappers? Does Hoft believe that his own shadow is a Negro hired by the White House to harass him until he quits blogging?

The answer to the first three questions is, sadly, yes. The answer to the fourth and last question is, I’m afraid, sadly, no.

¹ Hoft was apparently off at white-militia target practice when the message was sent out that czars are evil, not good, things, mostly because the name is in the Rooskie language and because neither St. Ronnie, nor his acolyte, George W., ever appointed czars.

Above: Folly-olly income-free

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Confederate Yankee, ibid.:
ACORN Worker in San Bernadino Video Admits to Homicide on Camera

From tax fraud in support of child prostitution to murder, Big Government‘s James O’Keefe and Hannah Giles are exposing ACORN as a criminal enterprise more and more every day.

Oh hello, it’s us again, and we’ve brought along a few notes. [opens purple Trapper Keeper]

1) The city of San Bernardino, California is named after St. Bernardine of Siena, while the Catholic Church has no St. Bernadine, a woman after whom a hypothetical city of ‘San Bernadino’ could be named. Besides which, applying the masculine diminutive, ‘-ino,’ to a woman would be an ambiguity of gender at least officially unprecedented in the history of the modern Church, at least as it is currently written. No, ‘San Bernadino’ is simply not how it is spelled, and call us pickers of nit — call us migrant nitpickers — but aah, pff, whatever. It’s not like we’re only that.

2) Having been dropped by Pajamas Media so that they could focus on their core business of benefiting Roger Simon and Glenn Reynolds, Mr. Yankee has re-monetized his blog. Current ads include a lobbying effort from General Electric not only for government money, but for a weapons project that keeps being cancelled by the Pentagon, and keeps being revived as Congressional pork, via earmarks. Ah, but internal contradictions are unrecognized by today’s hardy breed of conservative, and therefore don’t exist and are simultaneously a plot by radical liberals to hide their own guilt in being internally contradictive according to the Bible of liberalism, Saul Alinsky’s Rules for Radicals, a book now in use primarily by conservatives, because backwards.

Then there’s Google Ads. Then within Blogads, there’s an ad for his carelessly maintained conservative ad bloc. Kicking it up even a further notch is those in-text ads with the double underlines that are always so informative to the seeker-afterer of knowledge (see the quoted link for ‘tax fraud’), whilst detracting from a site or blog only insofar as they are exactly equal to a column of molten sad blasting out of an erupting failcano.

Aye, truly does Confederate Yankee resemble un citoyen de l’ancien Languedoc in that he was born: Toulouse.

If one were to imagine a phoon, such a thing would only indifferently suggest Confederate Yankee. Except now imagine one made not of ty, but of guh-hurk.

3) Fine then, a better money-making idea? Themed package tours to Sodom. No no, I don’t like the term ‘genius’; I prefer ‘Today’s Tom Sawyer.’ Plus, guess who’s been there and knows a good hotel. Another idea? A subatomic particle, perhaps in plush and with rolly eyes, that can be flourished or handed to people. “Have a Guon,” the ad slogan will go. “Ouch ouch pelted with shoes or rocks” is what you will say a lot at first, but then it will become a craze and no one will remember or care that you were ahead of the trend, but will only know to view you with suspicion for being weird. Another idea? Sell tickets to the deer and the antelope play.

Tell me, Madame Pelosi: Why should taxpayers still fund this organized criminal conspiracy?

That’s the tone he uses when he thinks he’s got someone trapped, and is toying with them, and it would be even better with a “Hmmmmm?” at the end, with more ‘m’s being like more strokings of a waxed Van Dyke, or more grandiloquent flouncings-past in one direction and back the next with top hat and pistol. It’s like a gloaty, cruel equivalent of the tone that we use in certain…

4) Ah, so nice to see you again, Mr. Yankee. Allow us to pour the usual frosty pitcher of Sadly, No.

Hi-ho, Sadleroonies! I’m involved in a top-secret project right now that involves falling into a nice relaxing coma, so I can’t stay long, but I wanted to briefly address something my boy D. brought up in his post about about Shannon Love.

Above: Teabaggers line up for a big career opportunity.

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It wasn’t just two million people who showed up at the big dipshit rally in D.C., says MC Shan. Of course, it wasn’t two million people at all, but leave that alone: the impressive part is that it was “two million people with jobs“. This is a preciously guarded bit of wingnut mythology, repeated wherever two dickbags are gathered together: sure, half a million might turn out to protest a bogus war of aggression, but that’s not a big deal, because what else do a bunch of bums, hippies and college dropouts have to do with their time? But if seven guys show up on a street corner to bitch about President Nigger giving our awesome health care away to immigants, and it really means something, because they have jobs.

Even Glenn Beck peddles this notion: in the come-fly-with-me video he put together for the 9/12 march, Glenn’s whiny voice can be heard bitching that hard-working Americans have to give up their precious vacation and leisure time to protest Obama’s tyrannical whatever he’s doing. (As an aside, only white people, am I right, folks? I mean, seriously, can you imagine blacks in the ’60s complaining that they had to take a sick day to go march on Washington with MLK for their civil rights?) So clearly, it must be true. Those flag-shirted thousands who piloted their Rascals towards Washington to protest the president’s communo-socialist Hitlerfascism must be a hardworking bunch of gainfully employed solid citizens.

As ol’ Giovanni Gaspari once said, easy enough to find out, idn’t it?

– “Richard Brigle, 57, a Vietnam War veteran and former Teamster, came from Paw Paw, Mich. He said health care needs to be reformed — but not according to Obama’s plan. ‘My grandkids are going to be paying for this. It’s going to cost too much money that we don’t have,’ he said while marching, bracing himself with a wooden cane as he walked.”

Well, hey. On disability and probably collecting a pension from your liberal, staunchly Democratic labor union, that’s almost like having a job. Let’s see who else was out there.

– “Quinn Ryan, 11, stood in the middle of Pennsylvania Avenue, near the spot where Obama and his wife Michelle walked on a bitter cold day in January after he was sworn in as the first black American president, brandishing a sign reading: ‘Born free, taxed to death.'”

Okay, well, thanks to liberal reformers, 11-year-olds aren’t forced to have jobs anymore. But imagine what this poor kid’s tax burden must be like! Moving on.

– “‘I want Congress to be afraid,” said Keldon Clapp, 45, an unemployed marketing representative who recently moved to Tennessee from Connecticut after losing his job. “Like everyone else here, I want them to know that we’re watching what they’re doing. And they do work for us.'”

Look, he’s a professional! He just happens to be unemployed at the moment! And I’m sure he’s the only one.

– “Paula Davis, 55, and her husband, James Davis Jr., a retired Air Force lieutenant, stood by the band and handed out small American flags to passers-by. ”

Retired isn’t unemployed! It means you have a job, you’re just not doing it anymore!

– “Dick Armey, a former House Republican leader whose group Freedomworks helped organize the protest, stood before the crowd and led the rallying cries in nearly the same spot where Mr. Obama took his oath of office eight months ago.”

Just because Dick isn’t in government anymore doesn’t mean he’s unemployed! He’s got a lobbying…oh, wait, he got fired from that gig. But that FreedomWorks thing, that’s kind of like having a job!

There’s tons of other articles if you care to Google them, with quotes from the unemployed, the disabled, the retired (by far the strongest demographic — the average age of the marchers seemed to be somewhere in the mid-50s), and students, as well as “small business owners” who get to say they’re employed by making up their own job. But the fact that there were thousands of people out there who don’t have jobs shouldn’t diminish the claim that all the marchers had jobs. Indeed, it should be — follow the bouncing ball — CENTRAL TO THEIR POINT.

It’s only going to get funnier and more terrifying, my friends. Let’s roll the tape:

A 9/12 Experience: Dangerous Times

Michelle has a disturbing video posted. It’s of several black students beating a white student on a school bus in St. Louis. Here’s the deal. I haven’t mentioned it before.

Riding out of DC on the Metro, 9/12, there were some folks from South Dakota and also another Mid-West state I can’t recall in the same Metro car. We were talking, nothing special, really – politics, of course.

In the back were maybe ten or so black kids taking up that section of the car. There was no confrontation, just one or two of them talking loudly enough to make sure they’d be heard.

Without resorting to the poor diction it was along the lines of, these are the people who think Obama is the anti-Christ. That McCain he wasn’t chit. Obama’s going to be president as long as he wants, so these people better get used to it, etc. It went on but not really to a level that was so loud, or so confrontational that it needed to be addressed.

We just ignored them without much trouble at all.

Yeah, they were technically thugs. But the reality was they were still wannabes really, pretty young, not that big, or many. And if the several adults there for 9/12 actually needed to do something about it, the kids wouldn’t have lasted very long.

Oh, this is delightful! Riehl demonstrates how tough and rugged he and his 9/12 compadres are by bragging that they could have beaten up a bunch of children if they’d really wanted to. Now here’s the kicker:

Maybe if they were bigger, or more numerous, it might have been worse.

By “worse,” he means, “we would have left several yellow and brown stains on the DC Metro seats.”

Again, let’s consider what Riehl has just told us. He prefaced his own 9/12 story by referring to it as “dangerous times.” But what did these “dangerous times” consist of? That’s right — a couple of black kids talking smack in the back of a subway car! Dan, is there anything in this world that doesn’t automatically scare you into soiling yourself?

You just knew that once Patrick Swayze (R.I.P) passed away, it wouldn’t take long for the geniuses at NewsBusters to start waxing nostalgic for one of his very worst roles:

WaPo Patrick Swayze Obit Gets to His Drag-Queen Movie Before ‘Red Dawn’

By Tim Graham (Bio | Archive)
September 15, 2009 – 08:35 ET

Here’s a sign the Washington Post is a liberal newspaper: today’s Adam Bernstein obituary for Patrick Swayze begins obviously by noting his big hits “Ghost” and “Dirty Dancing,” but doesn’t get to “Red Dawn” until paragraph 23. Even then, Bernstein wrongly suggests he had a supporting role:

Mr. Swayze remained a busy supporting actor on television and in film during the next several years, appearing mostly in tough roles in films such as “The Outsiders” (1983), “Uncommon Valor” (1983) and “Red Dawn” (1984).

“Road House”, “Next of Kin”, and “Point Break” appeared in paragraph 12. The next paragraph even brought up the drag-queen turn:

Most of the action films met with critical disappointment. So did his attempts for a more daring career, from the drag queen Vida Boheme he played in “To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar” (1995) to the suicidally forlorn American doctor who finds redemption in Calcutta in “City of Joy” (1992).

“Red Dawn” was not a prestigious film, but it was a breakout lead role for Swayze, and a completely shocking product coming out of a Hollywood: a movie about American teens fighting a resistance against a Soviet invasion of the United States.

There are clearly no fortysomething Reaganites working in the Washington Post newsroom.

I have seen “Red Dawn.” It is a sucky film that is only appealing to sucky film-watchers. The acting is overwrought, the action sequences are choppy and the plot — in which the Soviet Union wastes countless tanks and helicopters trying to occupy a worthless town in the middle of nowhere — could very well be the dumbest idea to ever crawl out from the wingnut lizard brain. The greatest disservice that you could do for Patrick Swayze’s legacy would be to associate him with this film — it’d be like memorializing Tom Hanks by wistfully discussing the prominent role he played in “Bachelor Party.”

ABOVE: Johnathan Hinderaker, Esq.

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From the smartest lawyer in Minneapolis:

Do you have to be smarter to run a dry cleaning shop than to be President?

A better question: do you have to be smarter than Wile E. Coyote to be a PowerLine blogger?

No one has ever said that Barack Obama is a numbers guy; in fact, his ignorance of mathematics is just one facet of his ignorance of business and economics.

On the other hand, John Hinderaker, Esq., can convert polar coordinates to rectangular coordinates in his head while simultaneously reciting the first hundred digits of pi backwards and calculating the 6.5 percent tip that he’s planning to leave on his lunch check.

Obama lards his speeches with statistical factoids, but they are frequently wrong. For example: he loves to tell audiences that Denmark obtains “20 percent of [its] electricity through wind power.” Sure, Denmark is a flat, windy place, but it still isn’t true.

Actually, Obama says that Denmark “produces” — not “obtains” — 20 percent of its electricity from wind, a not-so-subtle distinction that eludes the steel-trap intellect of Hinderaker and is crucial to his claim that Obama’s “statistical factoids” are wrong.

The Institute for Energy Research explains:

The findings of a new study released this week cast serious doubt on the accuracy of that statement. The report finds that in 2006 scarcely five percent of the nation’s electricity demand was met by wind. And over the past five years, the average is less than 10 percent — despite Denmark having ‘carpeted’ its land with the machines. …

Hey, wait a sec. Obama says wind power is 20 percent of what the nation produces not 20 percent of what it consumes. To see the difference between production and consumption consider this: John Hinderaker, for example, produces, say, twenty percent of the legal services he provides, the other eighty-percent coming from beleaguered associates who spit in his coffee mug when he’s not looking. But he probably consumes zero percent of his legal services, unless he’s stupid enough — and I do not rule this out at all — to act as his own lawyer. You know, fool meet client, client meet fool, etc.

Now let’s follow the link to the study that Hinderaker cites but neglects — I wonder why — to the study in question:

Denmark generates the equivalent of about 19% of its electricity demand with wind turbines, but wind power contributes far less than 19% of the Nation’s electricity demand.

Oopsies. It looks like John just fell on his hinderaker. Obama’s figures are right. Wind power is about twenty percent of Denmark’s entire production, although wind power directly satisfies a smaller percentage of national demand.

Now, let’s give Counselor Hinderaker a little lesson in the magically interconnected power grid, also from the unlinked study and something this buffoon should at least know about if he’s going to call his own often erroneous scribblings the “Power Line” blog.

In the absence of large-scale electricity storage, any modern electricity system must continuously balance electricity supply and demand. … Wind power is stochastic, especially in the very short term (e.g., over any given hour, 30 minute, or 15 minute period). …

Denmark manages to keep the electricity systems balanced due to having the benefit of its particular neighbors and their electricity mix. Norway and Sweden provide Denmark, Germany and Netherlands access to significant amounts of fast, short term balancing reserve, via interconnectors. …

Of course, our lawyer genius friend wants his readers to believe that the wind energy that Denmark can’t use at any moment is just lost into the ineffable aether but, as you’ll see from the rest of the study, Denmark exports momentary excess supply to Norway and Sweden when its turbines are producing more than needed. And Norway and Sweden, in turn, export compensating electricity back to Denmark to meet excess demand when Denmark’s wind turbines are under-producing the necessary amounts.

So if anyone is wrong here, it’s old Butt Scud himself, because his 5 percent figure doesn’t count the wind-generated electricity that is exported and that pays for electricity that is later re-imported back into Denmark. It is truly amazing that folks like Hinderaker who prattle incessantly on and on about the total awesomeness of the free market often know less about the free market than, well, a dry cleaner.

Why isn’t the MSM all, ‘That was totally the best exposé in the history of EVAR!’ about that ACORN entrapment video that’s getting pimped* to high heaven over at Breitbart’s joint?

Because they can’t handle the truth, that’s why. Ask a stupid question, etc.

BONUS QUESTION: How come the ACORN loan counselors weren’t like, ‘You filthy, filthy whore!’ to the undercover chick in the video and then they totally citizens’ arrest her and put the boyfriend in a headlock and make him apologize to Jesus and then everybody has a good cry but we still totally have our eyes on that guy and like we totally need to bring back caning in the schools and also that guy has to spend a week in the stocks right in the middle of the town square and the girl has to wear a big ‘W’ for ‘Whore’ on her clothes for the rest of her life?

ALSO, TOO: Isn’t it ACORN’s job to purge the inner cities of the undesirable poor people who show up at their offices? If not, why not? Because it almost seems like the ACORN people in Breitbart’s video are interested in helping applicants from the margins of society, instead of telling them to fuck off and die quickly to spare the rest of us being bothered by their existence. I mean, what gives?

*Pun intended

Above: (G)overnment (I)nformant

Brandon “If That’s His Real Name” Darby, Andrew Breitbart Presents: Big Government:
Former Leftist Activist, Turned FBI Informant, Pulls Back the Curtain On ACORN

• Hi, I was an undercover informant for the FBI who infiltrated leftist groups and allegedly provoked them into committing crimes. When ACORN…um. [dials phone] Andrew? Brandon. No, definitely, thanks, uh-huh. Actually, yes: Why is everybody laughing?

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

Shorter Jay Nordlinger, America’s Shittiest Website™
Impromptus

• After I said in a column that “I’m a teabagger too,” some lefty blogger named D. Aristophanes made fun of that, and then a bunch of his readers sent me emails. D. Aristophanes and his readers are nasty, vile, depraved, hateful, cruel, ignorant and stupid. They also made sexual innuendos. I am not gay and never have been gay. Hey, did you know I watched a guy getting a simulated blow job on-stage during a performance of Der Rosenkavalier in Salzburg?

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™