Fixing The Internet
va, Whiskey Fire:
Speech! Speech!So some sham “linguist” called Paul J.J. Payack told CNN that Obama’s prime time speech last night was too “professorial.” Obviously this was meant to be a pejorative, and conservative pundits have not been sparing in their use of it over the last…
Fix-ing, fix-ing, fix-ing the Inter-net,
Findin’ a rhyme for ‘Internet,’
Doop-de-doop, um, yooble-dooble…
Hey, what happened to the music?
What?
No, sure, I was going over there later.
The opening band did; he’s going on at 11. Huh?
Oh right.
va, Whiskey Fire:
Payack Is a BitchSo some sham “linguist” called Paul J.J. Payack told CNN that Obama’s prime time speech last night was too “professorial.” Obviously…
Fix-ing, fix-ing, fix-ing the Inter-net,
If wit were water, we’d be wet,
Pho for Christmas, must be Tet,
‘Straight Talk’ in the Het Gazette…
‘Straight Talk’ is clearly the letters column, as the letters column of the Poo Criterion is ‘Shit Chat,’ and that of Typesetter’s Matrix is ‘Letters.’
I don’t get it Gavin. What am I missing?
Oh, the title.
He fixed it, so you can’t tell what it was any more.
mozart, Gavin’s merely once again showing off his m4d 5killz at headline repair.
Speaking of fixin’ teh intertubes, I enjoyed this reprise immensely of Chase Madar’s brilliant VDH parody of the National Review celebrity Congo cruise.
(h/t lobelog)
Dear Penthouse,
I never thought I would be someone who wrote one of these letters, but you’ll never believe what happened to me yesterday. It all started on a marvelous cruise. As we continued upriver, my nightly on-deck demonstrations of hoplite infantry tactics with the salad tongs and crudité platter played to rapt audiences. Then everything began to take a turn toward the unexpected . . .
I suppose composing your speech at almost a 10th grade level of comprehension is well above that of the average CNN reporter.
Leave P.J.J.P. alooooone!
No seriously. His parents must have hated his ass to saddle him with those initials.
They just had an NR cruise up a river in Portugal (Hail Salazar!): Scared of pirates or their portfolios shrank. (And we all know how painful that can be.)
Post-Election Cruise 2010: All the usual suspects. Bet a lot of the older Falangists don’t swim very well.
Do NOT, search for P.J.J.P. in Amazon. You’ll be swept out of your chair by a giant wall of wankjuice.
Can’t be arsed, & it may be so old tain’t even on the ‘tubes, but I remember reading that most of the National Press (it was that long ago) or at least TIME, or the L.A.Times, was allegedly written to a ninth-grade level.
I don’t get it. But then again, I often don’t.
That having been said, even if the guy weren’t a fake linguist, there’s a huge gulf of difference between reading level and being able to understand and comprehend an oral presentation. So while your average teabagger may not be able to decipher a lot of words in written text, they can understand them and their meanings just fine when they hear them spoken. Which is what makes this whole thing ridiculous from the get-go.
Most newspapers are written on an 8th grade level while USA Today is written on a 6th grade level (if it still exists – with my days of frequent business travel and hotel stays long in the past, if it’s still around I’m blissfully unaware of it). “Reading level” has never been applied to speech before for the quite simple reason that…wait for it…listening isn’t reading.
I have contributed to over $6 billion in growth also.
Last time I bought a pack of smokes, also.
“Sham”? No, The Big Payack is more clever than that. He is a cunning linguist.
That ain’t shit.
During my career, I have contributed to the advancement of human civilization, the expansion of the universe, and the growth of mold on the grout in my bathroom.
DID SOMEBODY'S INTERNET GET FIXED?===<|| || /\
|| \/ ||
\/ NO ||
YES || ||
|| \/ ||
|| THEN FIX IT!======>/\
\/
OH SNAP!
Hooray for non-breaking spaces!
Letters sent to the Salad-Shooters-Collectors’ Weekly are printed in a column called “Lettuce Spray”.
Hooray for Courier font!
+==========================+
| |
| This space left |
| intentionally blank |
| |
+==========================+
During my career the universe has continued its entropy. Sadly, this is my fault.
My “career” has been upping the netropy. Heh. And the entropy.
Please rewrite the internet at a 2nd or lower grade reading level so all us Amurkans can understand.
Okey-dokey.
It is not easy to protect freedom every day.
If’n ya needed some more o’that bracin, conservative candidate for Alabama Agricultural Commissioner who has now backed another candidate who was not the other candidate he hated so much, here’s an updated video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GabMEHfCjT0
Here’s another video from him, only, it’s just the guy dressed and talking like the first tough guy, but with things you can laugh at instead of just watch him shoot.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bDwNrp1-B-Q
H/T GOS
I entropied the entropy and made a nice entro pie.
Is it true that Arial is just a poor man’s Helvetica?
Obama’s speech had an average sentence length of 19 words which makes him elitist. Interestingly, GWB’s post-Katrina speech averaged 23 words but was not elitist. Interesting because this is the only way that Bush is longer than BHO.
Michelle Bachmann speaks at about a second grade level but I still can’t understand that crazy bitch.
Is it true that Arial is just a poor man’s Helvetica?
FIGHTING WORDS.
More like Frutiger IMHO.
Wiki compares Frutiger to Myriad.
Arial is a unicorn’s Helvetica.
That must be why I love it so much.
For what it’s worth, real linguists think the fake linguist is technically correct, but also kinda full of shit:
http://languagelog.ldc.upenn.edu/nll/?p=2392
I was going to say that political leaders should just stop trying to be coherent and instead communicate by making gurgling noises and soiling their diapers, but then I realized that the wingnuts are already there.
It’s getting to the point where, if I see “doop da doop” or something similar, footnotes longer than the original post, or three or more “cf” links, I just skip it. These are painfully unfunny. They are a total waste of time. With tbogg going on hiatus and you guys almost never posting anything but “doop da doop” stuff or Shorters that took five seconds to bang out, I’m getting bored with the internet.
Different strokes for different folks, sluggo.
You can always go outside to play, sluggo.
~
Next up, ‘Doop-doop’ Sportiv vs FC ‘Mangoes’
Is it true that Arial is just a poor man’s Helvetica?
Arial is the Jew of Liberal Fontism
Arial is a font of bad-joke straight lines.
Next up, ‘Doop-doop’ Sportiv vs FC ‘Mangoes’
I really took it hard when’Doop-doop Sportiv upset Arial Madrid.
I love Helvetica (especially in a poseur-y way after seeing the film). So I read on the internet—WHICH MEANS IT’S TOTALLY TRUE–that Arial was the Microsoft equivalent of Helvetica. So I use it a lot. Of course, the font that is nearest and dearest to my heart is Times New Roman.
Which is why all resumés should be written in Bad Acid, Koksure, or iAi fonts.
Times New Roman is a typeface, not a font.
/insufferable_pedant
That’s fine if you want to write out words and stuff, but real communication comes through the use of Mil Mascaras.
You guys are getting into dangerous territory here. I went through phases where I was downloading (in zip files) THOUSANDS of fonts at a time. I LOVE a good font. *head explodes*
BTW, “Bad Acid” is pretty cool-looking.
Me, I use “Windsong” for my electronic siggie on my pieces. It’s a really pretty, legible cursive font.
If I ever need to communicate my love of Mexican wrestling and/or fetish head gear, I’ll be sure to download that.
One of my favorites. It has a nice sinister edge to it.
A what? Oh, I see — it’s like a land mine, except with concentrated idiocy rather than explosives.
I call fake Sluggo.
The real Sluggo would be loafing somewhere.
Oh my. I thought “idea mine” was a poncy way of saying “my idea”. Now I realize they mean something like a deep vein of idea ore waiting to be tapped. Wait, that sounded a little buttsexy.
all yur stuf 2 big wurdz plez rit so rel amrkins kan redit
Do you mind if I use this for every Gavin post?
?
!
————–
I LOVE a good font.
When I was resetting up my office about eight years ago, I chose two obscure fonts for our base text and our header text. Previously, a contractor had tried forging a memo using xerox. Now, anyone trying would have to figure out what font to match!
[Demonic, typo-geek laughter.]
Different strokes for different folks
Also, divergent displacements for divergent debasements.
And then refined into moronium ingots for shipment to American Thinker?
Also, divergent displacements for divergent debasements.
What about those bloggers who seldom diverge or displace from de basement. (Except to get refills for Cheetos and Mountain Dew)
I DEMAND GAVIN STOP BEING ALL HIGHBROW WITH THE PUNS AND SUCH.
More people sticking their wangs into exhaust pipes please.
I demand Gavin be more unibrow. If he doesn’t have the excess hair, he can damned well grow it.
“When I was resetting up my office about eight years ago, I chose two obscure fonts for our base text and our header text. Previously, a contractor had tried forging a memo using xerox. Now, anyone trying would have to figure out what font to match!
[Demonic, typo-geek laughter.]”
what were they? I promise I won’t tell anyone.
Gill’s Joanna and Gotham before everyone was using it.
Fucking internets, how do they work?
Those are both great-looking. Both straddle a modern/vintage feel really well.
this post would be better if it were longer. gavin’s terseness is worrying.
Thrill to the Houston Chronicle (okay, it’s a wire service) calling out Tony Hayward for being at a yacht race.
If I was Peta, I wouldn’t count on Hayward being a stickler for rules and regulations.
BREAKING NEWS IN ORBS: http://gothamist.com/2010/06/19/metal_orbs_will_be_removed_after_bu.php
Tenth grade = the new Ph.D.!
*downloads Bad Acid font*
*wanders here*
fapfapfapfapfapfapfap
It’s all fun and games, ’til a baby gets barbecued.
BTW, don’t freak out or anything…but I’ve figured out how to stop the oil leak: Stuff grumpy-faced, chubby cats from Japan down there. Problem solved.
You’re welcome.
Ohhhh. Good stuff.
Thanks.
Then it just gets delicious.
the salad tongs and crudité platter
No way would a National Review cruise have so many vegetables!
No way would a National Review cruise have so many vegetables!
Oh, you mean food.
At the National Review, it’s crud-ite.
Now I realize they mean something like a deep vein of idea ore waiting to be tapped.
Great mines stink alike.
if I see “doop da doop” or something similar, footnotes longer than the original post, or three or more “cf” links, I just skip it.
I recommend Riddled for all my straightforward non-self-referential humour requirements. Now contains extra tigris!
Metal Orbs Will Be Removed After Burning Baby
Why do they burn the baby first? Appeasement of some landscaping deity?
Yes. Right. Thankee.
P.S. I relish every Gavin post. I have a pet theory that the long, winding send-ups borrow some style from the “Cyclops” episode in Ulysses.
So, even though no sentient human being could possibly find this funny, I’m out of bounds for saying so.
Hmm.
Thoughts can remain unexpressed. Is all.
I don’t think you’re out-of-bounds, Sluggo, I just think you’re wrong.
perhaps sluggo needs to review the definition of ‘sentient’
I’m sentient and I thought it funny. I look forward to Gav’s posts.