Good lord, man.

3 full days? I fear for your health and sanity.

You know we’re all pullling for you to win the Blogger of the Year Award on Friday. Got my fingers crossed!

Amos Tutuola references? Are you guys like the best-read bloggers on the planet or what?

Talk about Lost!

I can only echo Jennifer’s sentiment. That’s WAY too much highly-concentrated wingnuttery to survive. Dulce et decorum est pro sadly, no! mori, I guess.

atheist said,

February 1, 2008 at 3:50

Amos Tutuola references? Are you guys like the best-read bloggers on the planet or what?

…or it could be a reference to the Eno & Byrne album, which was a reference to Tutuola’s novel.

I would be interested to hear how Ron Paul goes over there. Say what you will about Paul, his politics are quite far from those of almost everyone else there.

Godspeed, Mister Leonard Pierce!

I hope you bring Pain Killers.

Blue Buddha:

Oh… didn’t think of that, thanks.

atheist said,

February 1, 2008 at 3:55

I would be interested to hear how Ron Paul goes over there. Say what you will about Paul, his politics are quite far from those of almost everyone else there.

Yeah, I kinda wondered how he wound up on the guest list… especially with the ever widening rift between paleocons and neocons.

2:30 PM: Book signing — The Prince of Darkness: 50 Years of Reporting in Washington by unindicted co-conspirator Bob Novak

I take it that it’s his autobiography. Nice title.

10:00 AM: Presentation – “Television Training for Conservatives”

A ha! So this event is for minor-league wingnut bloggers and cranks looking to press the flesh with Regnery and learn how to get on the pundit gravy train!

Leonard, as bad as Giles or Oshry may be, imagine how many of your fellow conventioneers are gonna be right-wing meatballs dreaming of becoming them, but who lack the talent and charisma. Sweet God, you are going to be standing in some of the most unpleasant lines of your life.

FYI, D’Souza wasn’t Coulter’s boytoy, he was Laura Ingraham’s.

What a completely terrifying schedule.

“Hugo Chavez Democrats: Silencing the Right”, smack in the middle of a whole weekend devoted to right-wing books, blogs, and blather? Sweet!

Godspeed sir!

[Sniff] O, he’s so brave!

If starts to make sense, run, do not walk, down to Adams Morgan or Dupont Circle. Actually, you might spot a number of your fellow conference attendees in Dupont Circle late Friday night. Follow the sound of tapping toes.

Question: Is that wife Numero 6 looking over Newt’s shoulder?

It’s quite an accomplishment to able to link to SN! for nearly all of those people.

Just don’t go all stockholm on us. At least Gav conducted his experiment under the supervision of a Doctor.

Check the Jeanne K link, MLP. Tis malformed.

Sorry, wrong female wingnut.

Schlafly, try that one.

Jeezo Pete, I couldn’t even read through the itinerary! I bow humbly, and doff my cap. You are one brave man.

I would be interested to hear how Ron Paul goes over there. Say what you will about Paul, his politics are quite far from those of almost everyone else there.

Yeah, I kinda wondered how he wound up on the guest list… especially with the ever widening rift between paleocons and neocons.

My guess is it has something to do with Dr. Paul’s ability to attract large amounts of the one thing Vari-cons can’t resist.

No. NOT hookers, diapers or wet suits.

“futuristic blowjob enthusiast Newt Gingrich”

Erm, what distinguishes a “futuristic” blowjob from your run-of-the-mill contemporary blowjob?

Spacesuits

Bring body guards and don’t accept a drink in a glass or leave your drinks unattended.

You are a brave individual, Leonard.

Mr. Pierce. I don’t know you. But I salute you.

And I promise, I’ll put fresh cut flowers on your grave every year. You are an honorable, if somewhat gullible man.

Now. Seriously. Think about weapons.

No, I know, you gotta go non-lethal, but you got options.

Mace, taser, stun gun, flash bangs. You’re gonna be surrounded.

Your strategy needs to be all about extraction and exfiltration. You need to have a bailout plan and know all your exits. ‘Cause there’s gonna come that moment.

You know the one. All of a sudden, all the voracious thugs are going to begin to get it. At some lizard brain level, they are going to sense that not only are you not of them, you are having them on. At the moment that realization strikes home, and begins to percolate through the mob, your clock is running. You need to find a way out before they, en masse, devour you and all you ever held holy.

That’s when your nonlethal and area denial weapons systems will serve you well.

Good luck. Bon Chance. Get Some…

mikey

Arky the Blasphemer said,

February 1, 2008 at 4:11

My guess is it has something to do with Dr. Paul’s ability to attract large amounts of the one thing Vari-cons can’t resist.

No. NOT hookers, diapers or wet suits.

True… after all, you do need the Benjamins to get those hookers, diapers and wetsuits.

Corsi is there? Isn’t he a 9/11 wack-job now?? Maybe he can trade tinfoil hat tips with Ron Paul!

My world just got a whole lot happier.

leonard–i’m jealous. spend my 20 bucks wisely. i suggest two hits of ecstasy.

as for eno references, please note my blog and my film company. today i lectured 100 kids who want to get into the film business, asked them if the name of company was any sort of reference for them, and got back: “um, cuz your last name is Green?”

fuckwads. i’m not going to read any of their scripts.

jeesus, it’s mindboggling the events they’ve got planned. It’ll be like entering The Gated Community of Hell where Stepford wives live. You might want to do some ecstacy.

and we thought Gavin was brave when he did the Cheesie experiments.

You know the one. All of a sudden, all the voracious thugs are going to begin to get it. At some lizard brain level, they are going to sense that not only are you not of them, you are having them on. At the moment that realization strikes home, and begins to percolate through the mob, your clock is running. You need to find a way out before they, en masse, devour you and all you ever held holy.

I got a clear mental picture of the pod people from the 1970s version of Invasion of the Body Snatchers pointing at poor Mr.Pierce and making that unholy screeching noise.

“i lectured 100 kids who want to get into the film business, asked them if the name of company was any sort of reference for them, and got back: “um, cuz your last name is Green?”

What do you expect. Even to a 25 year old, Green Day is classic rock. “Those dudes have been around since like, 1993.” Brian Eno? As far as they’re concerned, you might as well be asking about Grandpa Jones or Tennessee Earnest Ford.

Will you be live blogging? If you start to sound a bit confused I’ll come down and drag you out of there.

If we don’t hear from you by 10 February I’ll check Rock Creek.

Just remember, if anyone invites you to walk across either of the bridges at night: Don’t. Go. Ditto a stroll around the Zoo right before closing time.

Will you be live blogging?

Yes, I too was wondering if you were going to be live blogging. If you are, I hope it doesn’t end with cries of “Oh, the humanity!” Nah, more likely “Oh, the inhumanity!”

What? No Pantload?

Woodrowfan said,

Corsi is there? Isn’t he a 9/11 wack-job now?? Maybe he can trade tinfoil hat tips with Ron Paul!

Last I checked, Corsi was swiftboating along with fellow Gooper operative John O’Neill.

Obviously, I haven’t bothered checking in some time.

Looks about as much fun as a colonoscopy.

Candy said,

February 1, 2008 at 4:30

I got a clear mental picture of the pod people from the 1970s version of Invasion of the Body Snatchers pointing at poor Mr.Pierce and making that unholy screeching noise.

http://www.blogfucker.com/9622/invasion23.jpg

Did somebody say Tennessee Earnie Ford?

Right next to me a huge reptile was gnawing on a woman’s neck, the carpet was a blood-soaked sponge — impossible to walk on it, no footing at all. “Order some golf shoes,” I whispered. “Otherwise, we’ll never get out of this place alive. You notice that these lizards don’t have any trouble moving around in this muck — that’s because they have claws on their feet.”

“Lizards?” he said. “If you think we’re in trouble now, wait till you see that’s happening in the elevators.” He took off his Brazilian sunglasses and I could see he’d been crying.

You’re seriously going to that thing? You are one badass mothafucker (where’s my Iced tea?!)

Holy shit, Bimler, you make me wish I (um, and I guess you too) was gay!!

mikey

I don’t think Ecstasy will be strong enough. Bring Cheetos, Mountain Dew, tequila, peyote, Oxycontin, Valium, Prozac, Ritalin, and whatever normally gets prescribed for Restless Sanity syndrome.

I knew Mikey would pick up on HST quotes.

Oh no.

Only one chemical qualifies for use in this nightmare.

Lima. Sierra. Delta.

Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds.

Lysergic acid 25.

I’d go with fourteen hundred mics to start…

mikey

Good ol’ Donald Sutherland! Thanks, Blue!

Well hell yeah.

I’ve been muttering “order golf shoes…Charge them to the room” to strangers for years in order to determine, if nothing else, who might be worth talking to…

mikey

A musical tribute to the bold adventurer.

10 points if you whistle or hum it near Mark “Y-fronts” Steyn.

As usual I don’t know half of what you guys are goin’ on about, but let me just say that Mr. Leonard Pierce has my utmost respect and best wishes for the escapade into which he is about to endeavour.

If I was Newt I’d fear God too. (Either that or karma)

Erm, what distinguishes a “futuristic” blowjob from your run-of-the-mill contemporary blowjob?

Polypropylene accessories.

Arky the Blasphemer said,

What Arky said.

or it could be a reference to the Eno & Byrne album

My vote is for the Eno/Byrne thing, since I’ve never heard of the other person.

Mr. Pierce, for the love of God, remember:
NARROW Stance!

NARROW Stance!

Less Tapping!

12:00 PM: Panel – “Hugo Chavez Democrats: Silencing the Right”, featuring world nut Joseph Farah, web-based dissimulator Andrew Breitbart & human bowel movement David Horowitz, moderated by Regnery shill Marji Ross

Ride that wave of notoriety generated by “liberal fascism,” Jonah, because as of Friday, February 8, 2008, “Hugo Chavez Democrats” will take over as the hip new insult.

It appears Lisa De Pasquale, CPAC Director at the American Conservative Union, introduced the witty term. De Pasquale knew she had to so something when she discovered liberals were brutally repressing conservatives by expressing their opinion, sometimes even organizing themselves to do so in a coordinated manner. Just like Hugo Chavez.

Erm, what distinguishes a “futuristic” blowjob from your run-of-the-mill contemporary blowjob?

Once again we turn to the YouTube Army for answers.

What? No Pantload?

He’ll just be walking thru the crowd in a sea of palm branches and rose petals, autographing programs and breasts. He’ll be receiving endless offers of drugs and free sex. It will be the moment he will remember on his long spiral down into poverty and oblivion. Someday Nick Nolte or Kris Kristofferson will portray him in the film version of his life.

Preview is our friend.

He’ll be receiving endless offers of drugs and free sex.

From Ted Haggard.

Someday Nick Nolte or Kris Kristofferson will portray him in the film version of his life.

You are too kind. The Pillsbury Doughboy already has his agent working on it.

J— said,

February 1, 2008 at 5:26

Ride that wave of notoriety generated by “liberal fascism,” Jonah, because as of Friday, February 8, 2008, “Hugo Chavez Democrats” will take over as the hip new insult.

Speaking of teh pantload, LF was ranked #9 at Amazon a few days ago. Right now, it’s #22. My, how quickly has the mighty fallen.

gbear said,

February 1, 2008 at 5:28

Someday Nick Nolte or Kris Kristofferson will portray him in the film version of his life.

Considering that neither Nolte or Kristofferson have more than a few years left in them… that’s pretty harsh.

Mister Pierce, I forgot to say, I admire your courage. I don’t think I would do something like that. Good luck.

And yeah, maybe bring some mace or something like Mikey said.

Good luck Leonard. Who knows maybe you’ll see the light and leave a changed man.

Preview is our fiend

I knew David Frum reminded me of someone.

You are too kind. The Pillsbury Doughboy already has his agent working on it.

The Pillsbury Doughboy never gets old though. We need someone who makes Dorian Gray’s portrait look fresh.

I tried to find a Doughboy short film from the 70’s called Poppin’ Death, but couldn’t find it. The entire film takes place looking at the window of an oven with the only sound being the gas oven. The doughboy comes up to the window and starts hollering for someone to let him out, but you can’t hear anything but the oven. He becomes more and more desperate as the minutes pass, and in the final moments, he drops dead in the oven and turns golden brown. It’s a heartbreaker, I tell you.

Just reading that schedule gave me a headache, and I couldn’t bring myself to finish it. I can’t imagine how you’re going to survive. But Godspeed to you, sir.

I tried to find a Doughboy short film from the 70’s called Poppin’ Death

Sounds awesome. It must have been part of that “Bambi Meets Godzilla” wave.

Don’t forget to bring ample supplies of joy buzzers, whoopie cushions, and rubber dog turds.

Only one chemical qualifies for use in this nightmare.
Lima. Sierra. Delta.

You’ll need plenty of that, too. Imagine trying to carry on a conversation with John Bolton while his moustache keeps moving, growing, pulsating. It’d be the experience of a lifetime!

Oh, man, you are brave, couple of requests, though. Pictures, lots of them, I am intrigued to see if the visitors to a thing like this are the geeky, mouthbreathers I expect, and probably 95% male, I imagine. 2nd request, any chance you could slip some acid into the drinking water, Steyn & Shapiro on acid, that would be fun.

Pierce–

All our thoughts and prayers are with you. Don’t hesitate to send up a flare. There will be S,N! observers in the DelMarVa area ready to extract you. Don’t be a hero. Or, alt., DO be a hero, and make us proud.

Don’t bring anything that is in white powder form or they’ll have you down in gitmo as an anthrax terrorist before you can sneeze.

What a completely hellish, mind-numbing, soul-devouring program line up! I think I’m going to have nightmares now.

You’re very brave.

Please also be very observant. That’s a lot of essence of pure evil all in one place. If you’ve ever seen Time Bandits, you know what happens if you get within touching distance of that stuff.

If you see weird thick black smoke, if you smell burning blood and hear David Warner’s voice shouting from the sky, for the love of God: Run! Run for your life!

“By the time we got to Wankstock, we were half a million strong…”

3 full days? I fear for your health and sanity.

I fear that whatever is left over from the little fundraiser will inevitably be used on psychiatrist bills.

Anyway, my survival tip: Sprinkle some cheeto dust over yourself. It’s like wingnut pheromones. Though I am not responsible if you end up with Ann Coulter on your arm all weekend.

WM,JoLF wins a lifetime supply of fRightWing repellent.

Anastasius, speaking for 10% of the male population: Ann Coulter on one’s arm would be just barely tolerable. You could pretend she was a soberly dressed drag queen.

Any other body part and you’re talking traps and coyotes’ paws.

So, who are YOU going as?

mikefromtexas said: Looks about as much fun as a colonoscopy.

Pretty much what I was thinking.

According to Google Maps, I live 1,838 miles from the venue. I’m not sure that’s far enough.

I second mikey’s advice and further suggest that you take plenty of Doc Gonzo’s Trail Mix along. And keep a steel-shafted, 60-degree Cleveland wedge slung over your shoulder at all times. Wielded smartly, it should allow you to dispatch two or three at a time and cause the rest of the mob to hesitate just long enough.

Seriously, just thinking about your epic excursion into that foreign and hostile land, that desolate Dumbfuckistan, is compelling me even now to wash down random handfuls of colorful pills with several ounces of Basil-Hayden’s.

10:00 AM: Presentation – “Television Training for Conservatives”

I can see it now:

“Okay class … let’s start by grabbing the remote control on the table in front of you. Okay … you see the button that says, “Power”? Push it to turn the TV on. Then we … ”

I knew they were dumb and all, but … damn.

You are a much, much, MUCH braver person than I. Not just for mental sanity sake, but for your physical well being.

Seriously. Some of those folks are nuttier than elephant shit. Watch yourself.

Isn’t Ken Blackwell supposed to be in prison?

a different brad said,

Isn’t Ken Blackwell supposed to be in prison?

Yes. But so is Traitor Bob Novak.

Will Ann Coulter be there?

Oh sorry, Leonard, didn’t mean to give you a nightmare ahead of time.

Hey, all, Leonard’s going to need a debriefing when he comes out of there. Are there any good psychologists here who can help him out?

Hey, what’s the dress code for these events? Brown polyester slightly too short slacks and tap shoes (for the bathroom)?

FYI, D’Souza wasn’t Coulter’s boytoy, he was Laura Ingraham’s.

Actually, he was boytoy to both of them. (Not at the same time, one would hope.) If he ever gets with Malkin, he’ll have hit for the wingnut cycle.

That schedule looks like a parody, but it isn’t, and the fact that it isn’t makes it read like hell’s itinerary. Don’t pick the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.

ok, last comment.

arrange for this photo: you arm in arm with Atlas Pam and Ann Coulter. Seriously, that would be so funny. Leonard hobknobbing with two shrews.

You are brave Mister P. If I were to go, I’d give myself 20 minutes before running to my hotel room, barricading the door with a room service cart and huddling int the corner with the butter knife I used on my nine-dollar croissant.

That. Sounds. EXHAUSTING. (Oh, and soul-crushing.)
I commend you for your strength.

That’s some schedule — I know a doctor that can get you a lot of Vicodin & Xanax if you need it.

Oh my! …

Are you accompanied by a good cartoonist? Ralph Steadman may or may not be available.

The convention seems to be attended by the more repellent second-string wingnuts; Dr. Mike, Pastor Giles, Horowitch…bleah.

A (pretty effin darn good) Cartoonist: http://thismodernworld.com/contact/

Steadman is the Man, of course. If you can get a hold of him. Just promise Ralph you won’t douse him with some of Mikey’s recommended mace before you toss him out of the car at the airport.

You GO, Mr. Leonard!

Thank heaven for small mercies – at least in the photo of Frogspawn Gingrich, we don’t have to look down Pam Atlas’ cleavage stash of silicone.

Leonard – when you are at CPAC 2008, ask Pam if she has ever done a MILF shoot for bigboobsnextdoor.com or siliconsweeties.com.

Mr. Pierce, remember while plumbing the heart of darkness, if it gets too hairy just head north and a little east, where the People’s Republic of Takoma Park will welcome and shelter you- just take the underground railroad (Metro) up here to the land of the DFH for sanctuary, we’re just across the DC line and they can’t follow you here, the atmosphere is a sort of natural wingnut repellant- its all rainbow flags and multiculti and dogs and cats living together.
May the armor of your sense of humor protect and defend you sir. H.P. Lovecraft never imagined a more horrifying scene than the one you are about to infiltrate.

OMG it’s like 2 girls 1 cup LIVE for 3 days. I feel sorry for you. But I do look forward to the reaction video.

I’ve been to CPAC 4 times (98-02) as an undercover reporter for a left-wing organization, People For the American Way. It’s amusing the first day, by the 2nd it’s pretty much sad and soul-sucking, by the 3rd I just felt depressed and dirty. It didn’t matter how many years I went, it’s nearly always the same people, the same topics. It’s the right-wing laid bare and it is NOT a pretty sight. They really are a bunch of arrogant, judgemental, xenophobic, racist, sexist, homophobic freaks.

My only advice is to try and go in cognito. The kind of shit that people say to you if you’re trying to fit in and pretend you’re one of them– I wore anti-abortion buttons– was nuts. Plus I nearly knocked over Ralph Reed in the lobby accidently. Good times.

Also, no Alan Keyes? He really knows how to fill a room. Ann Coulter is worshipped like a goddess.

Great googly-oogly, that’s this weekend. Why can’t these fuckers go to Des Moines or some shit-hole in texas? why do they have to come here to DC?

We don’t want them in Des Moines, thelogos. They’d just get beat up here, anyway.

On second thought, send ’em here.

Is there really an “Accuracy in Media” award, sandwiched between presentations from racist, conspiracy-laden newsletter publisher Ron Paul and Al freaking Regnery?

Irony is not dead! Although, judging from the program, she might be a tad overworked this weekend.

Good luck, Mr. Pierce!

The best part is your pre-announced presence will have them tied up in paranoid knots all weekend. “Not now Master Gannon, Sir. An auslander might see us!”

Mr. Pierce, remember while plumbing the heart of darkness, if it gets too hairy just head north and a little east, where the People’s Republic of Takoma Park will welcome and shelter you

He can reach the Homosocialists Republic of Dupont Circle on foot. Even though most of the trip is downhill I doubt the flabby bastards will be able to keep up. Besides, the gauntlet of restaurants staffed by brown people serving brown people food will scare them away.

Have a great time! Don’t forget to take your keffiyeh! They’d *love* that.

I owe you $$$ for this trip. How can I provide the support that I pledged? (the fact that I was completely shitfaced when I said I’d give $$$ in no way alters the sincerity of my pledge).

Cause there’s gonna come that moment.
This one?
Braaaaiiiinnns.
Try not to giggle during the lectures.
Oh, and will there be cosplay?

Remember to take the blue pill before entering the matrix.

Please, please, please tell me that you will be adequately prepared for this. I’m thinking along the lines of “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas”.

zoe kentucky said,

They really are a bunch of arrogant, judgemental, xenophobic, racist, sexist, homophobic freaks.”

You don’t say!

I suggest a robust liberal fascist exercise and health regime before attending this hellish event, as once you are inside you will be constantly exposed to the farts, back sweat, toxic Cheeto dust, and pent-up virginity of all the little weenies running around the place. Fresh air, clean water, and non-fast food will be in short supply.

alcoholic Long Island JAP

I find the use of this term highly offensive!

I can’t stand redundancy.

Please, please, please tell me that you will be adequately prepared for this. I’m thinking along the lines of “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas”.

I’m thinking along the lines of a bomb vest. But that’s just me.

(note to NSA and verizon: just kidding.)

Oops.

Looks like She-Ra won’t make it this year.

“What do you expect. Even to a 25 year old, Green Day is classic rock. “Those dudes have been around since like, 1993.” ”

Hey now! I’m 29 and I own every Eno album I’ve been able to get my hands on!

And I saw Green Day in Berkeley in 1992!

So, with 3-4 seperate things on Hillary, CPAC’s kind of fucked if Tuesday goes the other way aren’t they? I mean couldn’t they add something else to “Blacks: We try and pretend African Americans can’t remember the last half century” How about “Obama: how to hate him without getting removed from public life, aka Put the sheets back in the Closet Pat” or Barak Hussein Obama: Scret Muslim” Seriously though, this is what happens when you make someone look like Satan for 16 years, it becomes hard to dmeonize others to the same degree.

Welp, it looks and sounds a lot like an eternal nightmare in hell to me, but to each their own. Good luck.

Oh, and will there be cosplay?

Political cosplay? You mean like suits and ties? I’d think there might be some.

10:00 AM: Presentation – “Television Training for Conservatives”

Flush when you’re finished.

You mean like suits and ties?

Hyuck, hyuck, hyuck! You funny.
I meant like dressing up as your favorite wingnut. You know, the K-lo and Wolfie impersonators and such.

Eh, my brain just had a mini-seizure at the thought.

10:00 AM: Presentation – “Television Training for Conservatives”

Flush when you’re finished.

And put the goddammed seat down for once!

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