Sep
19

Where Chickenhawks Dare




Posted at 20:01 by Tintin

ChickenhawkJason Mattera, who once told Chris Matthews that he didn’t need to fight insurgents in Iraq because he was fighting liberals at home, is on the front lines again, this time running a Special Op against Congressman John Murtha.

Armed to the teeth with a video camera and a preposterous haircut, Mattera infiltrated the Rayburn House Office Building and hunkered down to wait for the Congressman. After a week-long bivouac at the Members’ elevator, Mattera at last spied the Congressman approaching. Mattera leaped from his hiding place and attacked, declared victory, jumped in his armored vehicle and rushed back to the base to post the video of the thrilling mano-a-mano confrontation on YouTube.

For those who might be disturbed by the gratuitous violence and gunfire in the video, and would rather not click through the previous link, here’s a partial transcript:

MATTERA: Congressman Murtha, Jason Mattera, Young America’s Foundation. Now that the first charges against Lance Corporals Justin Sharratt and Stephen Tatum have been, uh, dropped in the Haditha incident, or are in the process of being dropped, would you like to issue an apology for saying that they killed innocent civilians in cold blood?

I love the smell of manufactured outrage in the morning! Murtha, you see, never named Sharratt or Tatum, or anybody else, as responsible for the Haditha deaths. This is all he said:

Our troops overreacted because of the pressure on them, and they killed innocent civilians in cold blood.

Murtha said “our troops.” He didn’t single out Sharratt or Tatum or anyone else. And the Marines themselves seem to think that our troops killed civilians in cold blood because they have taken the charges against Staff Sgt. Frank D. Wuterich to trial based on testimony from another Marine that Wuterich shot civilians in Haditha without cause.

Oblivious to these facts, a whole battalion of of wingnut bloggers have posted the tape of the Battle of Rayburn HOB, and ever since been high-fiving and shouting “Hooyah” to each other over Matterra’s extreme courage under fire. Among the battalion are Allahpundit’s butt boy PFC Bryan as well as Staff Sgt. Jim “Gateway Pundit and Fashion Model” Hoft, Brigadier General Scott “Big Trunk, Small Johnson” Johnson, and, natch, Lance Cpl. Charles “Little Green Dingleberries” Johnson (note: referrals from here are often bravely redirected).

The best part of the Battle of Rayburn HOB, however, seems to have gone unnoticed by all those clamoring to award Mattera the Medal of Honor. As Mattera, guns blazing, tried to follow Murtha into the Members’ elevator, this exchange occurred:

MATTERA: Do you like besmirching our troops, sir? Do you like besmirching our troops, sir?

MURTHA: Have you been in the service? I enlisted in Korea and I enlisted in Vietnam . . .

MATTERA (ignoring Murtha’s inconvenient question): You accused them of murdering innocent civilians in cold blood! That’s something that would come from Al-Jazeera!

And something that could have come from the Marines too, since they have taken the charges against Sgt. Wuterich to trial. I always knew that the Marines and Al-Jazeerah were in cahoots.

But before Mattera could blast another volley at the Congressman, the elevator door shut and the enemy escaped. Mattera then mugged a shit-eating little grin for the camera and went back to his base . . . ment. I think we can safely say that our young hero now knows first-hand what they mean when they say that war is hell.

97 Comments »

  1. roy edroso said,

    September 19, 2007 at 20:06

    That’s what these idiots have been chest-bumping about all day? Pathetic.

  2. Kathleen said,

    September 19, 2007 at 20:09

    and went back to his base . . . ment.

    awesome. You took a timeless classic and updated it.

  3. Jay B. said,

    September 19, 2007 at 20:16

    If the charges were dropped, that must mean no civilians were killed in Iraq! Thank shit, otherwise, I’d guess the Iraqis didn’t want us there.

  4. Legalize said,

    September 19, 2007 at 20:17

    Foghorn: *smacking Mattera around the barn yard while the dog looks on in his doghouse* I say now, boy, stand up when I’m talkin to ya, son. Stop slouching there, boy, and look alive, I say. Listen to me, boy.

    *to the tv audience* I say now, you just can’t get these chickenhawks to stand up for anything.

    Hilarity then ensues on wingnut blogs.

  5. Righteous Bubba said,

    September 19, 2007 at 20:17

    Democrats could defeat these little “gotchas” by remembering to strangle brown people any time their hands are free.

  6. D. Sidhe said,

    September 19, 2007 at 20:21

    Stupid little weasel. Stupid, self-aggrandizing, ignorant, blinkered, nasty, hypocritical, disrespectful, warmongering, cowardly, contemptible little fool.

    I’m amazed he can’t see what he is, you know? Just amazed. I’m willing to bet he’s also one of those men who explains to anti-war feminists that he supports the liberation of Muslim women more than they do, and one of those white people who likes to explain to black people that if they support affirmative action they are calling minorities stupid. When did this kind of backwards crap become not only acceptable but lauded?

  7. mikey said,

    September 19, 2007 at 20:21

    The entire regiment was on the parade grounds, in perfect close order. The band fell silent, except for the martial drums. The brigadier marched up, executed a crisp left face and stopped in front of the hero of the day, Jason Mattera. The adoring crowd watched in a hush, as the grey drizzle fell in the muted winter morning light.

    “For gallentry above and beyond the call of doody, for repeated acts of courage and sacrifice, while not actually under fire, but still stuff mighta happened, I award you, Jason Mattera, the Cross of the Chickenhawk along with the Order of the Wingnut with Cheetos clusters. A grateful nation thanks you for service”…

    mikey

  8. Ripley said,

    September 19, 2007 at 20:22

    I think he deserves a Medal of Tweedom for using the world ‘besmirching’ on camera.

    He’s fighting them in DC, so you don’t have to fight them- oooh, that dog has a poofy tail ! Here, poof! hee hee hee!!

  9. g said,

    September 19, 2007 at 20:24

    So, wait, does this mean that those innocent civilians aren’t dead after all?

  10. Principal Blackman said,

    September 19, 2007 at 20:28

    I believe “Mattera” is Spanish for “pansy-ass idiot.”

  11. Marita said,

    September 19, 2007 at 20:30

    Oh, g. It’s Iraq. There are no innocent civilians.

    Honestly.

  12. g said,

    September 19, 2007 at 20:39

    But Marita, aren’t we painting their schools? And bringing equality to their women? Before we kill them and turn their country into a parking lot?

  13. mat said,

    September 19, 2007 at 20:39

    You know, in 2002 I wrote two silly essays making fun of the “warbloggers” ( I have no idea what these dipshits call themselves today). My favorite was my takedown of Megan McArdle.

    Apparently, five years later, the chickenhawks are even more repugnant.

    Enjoy:

    Warblogger Hall of Honor

    War Stories (of the Warblogger Variety)

  14. bpower said,

    September 19, 2007 at 20:41

    If you’re a wingnut do you know you’re one or what? Do they know anything about the whole “authoritarian dickheads fuck it up for everyone” thread running through history? I suppose they must be oblivious otherwise they’d have to be thinking “Good Lord Im such a dick” like 24/7.

  15. AkaDad said,

    September 19, 2007 at 20:48

    Shame on you all. If it weren’t for the 101st Chairborn, we’d all be wearing burkas…

  16. Legalize said,

    September 19, 2007 at 20:49

    9/11 changed everything, bpower.

  17. Jay B. said,

    September 19, 2007 at 20:54

    bpower,

    What really amazes me is that not only are these people repugnant, they’re basically stealing Frank Burns’ schtick from the MASH tv show. I watched an episode recently and shuddered at how spot on Larry Linville channeled today’s modern wingnut.

    So either he and the writers of the show knew instinctively that these people were of a type that has blundered its way through history — or they were fucking psychic.

    Watch the show again sometime. Burns has it all: paranoia, hypocrisy (sex), cowardice, authoritarianism, a tin ear for social interaction, humorlessness, racism, xenophobia, is a snitch, selfishness, incompetence, all the way down the line: He is the Modern Wingnut. And it was played for laughs.

  18. a different brad said,

    September 19, 2007 at 20:55

    In related news, I totally crank called an exgf last night. She was all like, “who is this?” and I was all like “suck it hobag!”, then hung up.
    Mattera has invited me to ride with him at the parade. We’re heroes who PWNED teh enemy.

  19. Blue Raven said,

    September 19, 2007 at 20:58

    Jay B., in essence, this means the John Birch Society is now running the Republicans’ henhouse. No wonder they’ve gotten so quiet. Their loudest voices are hopelessly mainstream and they’re trying desperately to find the lunatic fringe they’re more comfortable in.

  20. J. Smith said,

    September 19, 2007 at 20:58

    Mat: excellent links. I’m sure our chickenhawk brigade veterans will concoct thrilling stories for their grandchildren that show the same respect for veracity that their current writing does. Then again, many of the more libertarian types will probably never have kids at all . . . the whole self-sacrifice for others thing that parenthood requires is a bit much for them. I mean, have any Randroids ever bred? I believe Ms. McArdle will have a long, lonely cronehood, full of Appeltinis and rheumatism treatments. The latter, of couse, will probably be paid by younger, healthier people, through a quasi-socialist “cost-spreading” scheme (what normal people call “insurance”). One can only assume that, by that time, different notes entirely will emenate from Ms. McArdle’s chapped, wrinkled lips. Vos quoque, Megan?

  21. zsa said,

    September 19, 2007 at 21:01

    I believe the term for young Mr. Mattera is “shameless”.

  22. Jack Morman said,

    September 19, 2007 at 21:03

    [wiping a tear from my eye...] These brave, brave, boys! Where do they get their courage? And their fingers! Hours at teh keyboard defending us from liberals. The pain, the sacrifice, the stench of battle. It’s all too much…

  23. paul said,

    September 19, 2007 at 21:12

    Well, at least he’s getting outside and getting some exercise.

    Maybe next time, Murtha can invite him to accompany his next visit to Walter Reed. The video of Mattera getting his ass kicked by someone in hospital gown will worth it.

  24. August J. Pollak said,

    September 19, 2007 at 21:22

    Oh right, this is the same little racist who promoted a “whites-only scholarship” to protest Affirmative Action while he was himself the recipient of a minority scholarship, which he excused by claiming “Hispanic isn’t a race.”

  25. HumboldtBlue said,

    September 19, 2007 at 21:24

    While I stand tall and salute the bravery of Mr. Mattera (I wonder if he’s pals with Matt “Dirty” Sanchez) I do have one nit to pick. Mano a mano means hand to hand, not man to man. Petty, yes, annoying, even more so.

    But still I stand and applaud the bravery, the courage, the Americanism of Mr. Mattera, you DFH’s had better watch out.

  26. t4toby said,

    September 19, 2007 at 21:27

    mikey- I say it again. When are you writing that book?

    These self satisfied wimps whose only real asset is a sense of entitlement as big as a 1971 Caddy are really getting on my nerves. It is the same kind of lack of self perception of which ‘Support the Troops’ is a perfect example.

    Really, that is the defining feature of Teh Wingnut. Absolutely no self perception, or shame for that matter.

  27. Clif said,

    September 19, 2007 at 21:29

    I know, Humboldt, that mano-a-mano means hand-to-hand. You obviously didn’t watch the video closely enough because you missed the part where Mattera stripped down to a loin cloth, oiled himself up, and jumped on Murtha to wrestle him to the ground, all the while screaming “Do you like to besmirch our troops? Do you?? Tell me, who’s your daddy now?”

  28. g said,

    September 19, 2007 at 21:31

    I think I fast-forwarded through that part, Clif. Thank you for bringing it to my attention.

  29. Dhalgren said,

    September 19, 2007 at 21:37

    Mattera is such teh warrior. He’s among the few and the proud.

  30. HumboldtBlue said,

    September 19, 2007 at 21:40

    Was Senator Craig there as well? Reverend Haggard? Congressman Foley and that Gooper in Florida who offers burly black men 20 dollars AND a cocksucking? That coulda been fun, man the GOP has all the really cool guys.

  31. Gary Ruppert said,

    September 19, 2007 at 21:57

    You liberals do nothing but disrespect our troops, and America and our President and God.

  32. Some Guy said,

    September 19, 2007 at 22:03

    Aw, not you’re just not even trying, Gar.

  33. zsa said,

    September 19, 2007 at 22:04

    Fake Gary? Real Gary?

    It’s Schrödinger’s Gary! Who will collapse the wave function?

  34. Guav said,

    September 19, 2007 at 22:08

    The most alarming aspect of this brutal battle was that Mattera used the word “besmirching” and managed to keep a straight face.

  35. Pug said,

    September 19, 2007 at 22:11

    Mano a mano means hand to hand, not man to man.

    And it is mano-a-mano, not mano-y-mano that you hear so often. OK?

  36. BiggerBill said,

    September 19, 2007 at 22:12

    Well, I for one commend Mr Mattera on his bravery. We could use a few more good men like that in Iraq. I hope some (desperate) recruiter saw his courageous performance, get his signature on a contract, and ships him off to Iraq, where he can pester Al Qeda and the other brown islamofacists. After all, Mattera’s work is done here–he has certainly cowed all the liberals like John Murtha, who now cut and run at the very sight of him and his camera crew. It’s time for him to head the call to Iraq!

  37. d.rock said,

    September 19, 2007 at 22:18

    The whole post is pathetic. Your dutiful marine, Sanick P. Dela Cruz, who supposedly helped build a case against his unit in Haditha has changed his testimony FIVE times. Get a life, and some facts. The marines will be cleared, and Murtha is a disgraced liar.

  38. Notorious P.A.T. said,

    September 19, 2007 at 22:21

    No US soldier in any war has killed any innocent people EVAH!!!!!111!!!!!

  39. stringonastick said,

    September 19, 2007 at 22:24

    BiggerBill is right, Mattera’s work is obviously done here and he has fulfilled his mandate to fight liberals; after all, he got a screaming liberal (yeah, right) like Murtha to ……get on the elevator that he was heading for anyway.

    His stateside agenda now complete, Mattera can sign those enlistment papers, secure in the knowledge that he met his goal and vanquished the (liberal) enemy. Time to move on to bigger fish Jason! Iraq awaits your trumpetted arrival and trembles at the very thought!

  40. Jay B. said,

    September 19, 2007 at 22:39

    d.rock (that’s a feckin’ AWESOME handle, dude!)

    Yes, it all hangs on the testimony of one marine. On military charges. Of a massacre. And, moreover, it’s Murtha’s fault. In your world, one where My Lai never happened, and the US military is infallible, it is impossible. It is besmearching the honor of Marines.

    In the actual world, however, you’ve got to do a lot better than internal cover ups and sweeping shit under the rug.

    Washington Post, May 26, 2006:

    Aws Fahmi, a Haditha resident who said he watched and listened from his home as Marines went from house to house killing members of three families, recalled hearing his neighbor across the street, Younis Salim Khafif, plead in English for his life and the lives of his family members. “I heard Younis speaking to the Americans, saying: ‘I am a friend. I am good,’ ” Fahmi said. “But they killed him, and his wife and daughters.”

    But, but, you say, he’s a fucking Eye-Raqi. They never tell the truth.

    CBS Aug. 2, 2006:

    (CBS/AP) Evidence collected on the deaths of 24 Iraqis in Haditha supports accusations that U.S. Marines deliberately shot the civilians, including unarmed women and children, a Pentagon official said Wednesday.

    Of course the Pentagon lies too, except when one of its general testifies in front of Congress, right?

    So what actually happened?

    It is not clear exactly what happened in Haditha on the morning of Nov. 19. One Marine and 24 Iraqis died, that much is certain. Local survivors say Americans on a rampage massacred their neighbors in cold blood. The videotaped eyewitness accounts provided to NEWSWEEK and other news organizations are horrifying, hard to believe in their sordidness and brutality. The Marines at first said 15 civilians, along with Lance Cpl. Miguel Terrazas, 20, had been killed by an IED, and that the rest died in a shoot-out with insurgents. But the official story changed, in part because of a Time magazine exposé in March. Now, according to congressmen who have been briefed by the Pentagon, the military is investigating Kilo Company for possible war crimes. Investigators have seen grisly photographs and are pursuing allegations of a cover-up. Ominously, there are also reports of atrocities in other places, committed by young soldiers who cracked under the pressure of a war fought on a battlefield with no front lines, no easy way to tell civilians from insurgents, and no end in sight.

    So, to sum up something very bad happened. Iraqis and military investigators, say civilians were murdered. Proving who was culpable might be difficult, but not, it seems that a massacre did occur (and was initially lied about by the military). Facts suck, I know.

  41. t4toby said,

    September 19, 2007 at 22:42

    Jay B- Good rebuttal, but…

    I PREFER PIE.

  42. HumboldtBlue said,

    September 19, 2007 at 22:44

    “Facts suck, I know.”

    Well, considering that facts have a decided liberal bias, it makes sense that when you’re a warmongering fumbledick who refuses to serve in Commander Codpiece’s glorious crusade, you can ignore them for no reason whatsoever.

    Being a Gooper means never having to use reason. Being a coward, like Mattera and the murdering Marines, means never having to say you’re sorry.

  43. Hysterical Woman said,

    September 19, 2007 at 23:31

    This reminds me of the Duke rape case. Three guys at the party were cleared of rape, therefore the stripper wasn’t raped and actually treated in the most gentlemen-like fashion ever by all, but she accused them anyway to get money by…um…but she lied and women lie about rape all the time!

  44. owlbear1 said,

    September 19, 2007 at 23:32

    Someone should show up on Mattera’s doorstep with a camera and a recruiter.

    Given Bush’s sewer like approval ratings and the massive disapproval of the Iraq war the chickenhawks demonstrate yet again there isn’t any war they can’t lose…

  45. Rufus said,

    September 19, 2007 at 23:42

    Another important battle was fought (and won, natch) by our brave armchair warriors, over at Time’s blog, Swampland, recently.

    Joe Klein fired the first shot, linking to Drudge and calling Drudge a bad name.

    In the comments section, a regular Klein “pardoy” troll who names itself “KOS KIDZ” and types in all caps did its usual schtick, which included threats to silence people like Drudge when the Clinton regime takes power, and declarations that 9/11 was an inside job.

    Then, Drudge linked back to the Klein post, and hundreds of wingnuts took up arms and did battle, completely swamping the comments section under a barrage of verbal insults directed at liberals, moonbats, etc.

    It’s really a breathtaking view of the mindset of Drudge’s most avid followers, and can be seen in its entirety here:

    http://tinyurl.com/2f3a5r

  46. Johnny Coelacanth said,

    September 20, 2007 at 0:02

    “our President and God.”

    Double fuck your President and your God, dickweed.

  47. Johnny Coelacanth said,

    September 20, 2007 at 0:05

    That last post was uncivil, and I’d like to apologize. It was the Ripple talking.

  48. objectivelypro said,

    September 20, 2007 at 0:57

    Get a life, and some facts.

    Fortunately, in my neighbourhood the life store and the fact store are in the same strip mall.

  49. mikey said,

    September 20, 2007 at 0:57

    Don’t sweat it, Johnny. It’s been my experience round these parts that when I lose it and cross that line into incivility, most folks here just politely ignore it. It has yet to have any long-term consequences, unlike real life when I lose it and throw a bar stool through the front window. That tends to upset people…

    mikey

  50. mikey said,

    September 20, 2007 at 0:58

    Fortunately, in my neighbourhood the life store and the fact store are in the same strip mall.

    What about the Poker Store?

    mikey

  51. Righteous Bubba said,

    September 20, 2007 at 0:59

    Poker up front, liquor in the back.

  52. HumboldtBlue said,

    September 20, 2007 at 1:06

    Ripple? Ripple” Can’t a brother get some Mad Dog 20-20? Some Boone’s Farm? Some Wild Irish Rose?

  53. t4toby said,

    September 20, 2007 at 1:08

    But what about the Manhole of Glory store?

    ‘Cause I could use me some tasty manhole right now.

  54. t4toby said,

    September 20, 2007 at 1:12

    And Bubba, I disinctly remember it as:

    “Liquor in the Front, Poker in the Rear”

    Or maybe I’m swayed by my proclivities…

  55. Righteous Bubba said,

    September 20, 2007 at 1:19

    Yeah, you got it it right. I’m McAddled, though open-minded.

  56. Torgo said,

    September 20, 2007 at 1:24

    The master doesn’t like children.

  57. tb said,

    September 20, 2007 at 1:27

    You liberals do nothing but disrespect our troops, and America and our President and God.

    I want to know what Rrrprrrt was busted for. The rap sheet said “corrupting the morals of a minor” or something to that effect, but what does that mean? Was he feeling up kids, or giving them weed or what?

  58. mikey said,

    September 20, 2007 at 1:29

    Ive been stuffed in your pocket for the last hundred days
    When I don’t get my bath I take it out on the slaves
    So grease up your baby for the ball on the hill
    Polish them rockets now, and swallow those pills

    –SpaceLord

  59. objectivelypro said,

    September 20, 2007 at 2:55

    Was he feeling up kids, or giving them weed or what?

    A little from Column A, a little from Column B…

  60. Kevin said,

    September 20, 2007 at 3:31

    Anyone else find it funny that Gavin (aka civ? What’s a civ? Like a molecular sieve? They don’t talk!) was not even capable of determining which bird was the chickenhawk in the Looney Tunes cartoon?

    He picked the chicken over the chickenhawk! Too funny :). Lucky I’m not in a position to choose the names of our military, or the new DDX vehicles would be ‘chickenhawk class’. Just to make fun of the people who think that calling someone a chickenhawk is a good argument :). Swear to God I’d do it. It’s an argument as poorly thought out as saying ‘you can’t hug your kids with nuclear arms’.

    Frankly, I can’t believe more of you aren’t embarrassed.

  61. DUDACKATTACK!!! said,

    September 20, 2007 at 3:37

    Why couldn’t Murtha just pick Mattera up with one hand and throw him against the wall like John Goodman did to that toad in O Brother, Where Art Thou?

  62. Clif said,

    September 20, 2007 at 3:38

    Hey, Kevie, it’s me, “Civ” (you need to get new glasses or an extra-large monitor or stop drinking so much) who put the “chicken” (actually, a rooster) behind the chickenhawk. That was the joke, you dolt. I can’t believe you aren’t embarrassed that you didn’t realize that. Or that the “chicken” was a rooster.

  63. Kevin said,

    September 20, 2007 at 3:52

    Oops, my bad, Clif :). To be fair, I didn’t give it the perusal it deserved. I just saw the chicken (roosters are chickens, in case you didn’t know), and thought it was funny that you put a rooster next to a man and then complained about chickenhawks. Seemed like dysfunctional thinking. Still does :(.

    At least put the little angry chickenhawk in the image! This is a comedy blog, after all.

  64. Simba B. said,

    September 20, 2007 at 3:58

    This is a comedy blog, after all.

    So what are you doing here?

  65. Clif said,

    September 20, 2007 at 4:00

    The chickenhawk was Mattera and the reference was to all those cartoons where the Foghorn was egging him on. And,yea, I know that roosters and hens are both chickens, but most people don’t call a rooster, and specifically Foghorn Leghorn, a chicken. But I could be wrong on that.

  66. objectivelypro said,

    September 20, 2007 at 4:08

    So what are you doing here?

    You’re built too low, son! Ah keeps pitchin’ ‘em and you keeps missin’ ‘em!

    - Foghorn Leghorn addressing Kevin…I mean the chickenhawk.

  67. Johnny Coelacanth said,

    September 20, 2007 at 4:16

    “Ripple? Ripple” Can’t a brother get some Mad Dog 20-20? Some Boone’s Farm? Some Wild Irish Rose?”

    Mad Dog? You clearly don’t understand that I am a sophisticate. My refined tastes call for Ripple or nothin’.

  68. lobbey said,

    September 20, 2007 at 4:56

    I want to know what Rrrprrrt was busted for. The rap sheet said “corrupting the morals of a minor” or something to that effect, but what does that mean? Was he feeling up kids, or giving them weed or what?

    I was wondering that; ‘corrupting the morals of a minor’ is very Orwellian. Is it drugs/drink/sex, or did he convice some 17 year old to join the young republicans.

  69. Red Shark said,

    September 20, 2007 at 5:13

    You have journalists who catch public figures on camera when their guard is down and ask them a question that they have been ducking. Of course Murtha has been discussing this matter with real journalists at length already. Real journalist have to have some claim to objectivity so that the whole confrontation thing doesn’t come off as completely manufactured as a cheap partisan trick.

    Then you have openly partisan hecklers or protesters who confront public figures in a public forum where a crowd of people will force the public figure to address an issue that he/she has been ducking so they will be too embarassed not to respond.

    Then you’ve got this weasel who waits until no one is around before he gets wound up in his own shrill questioning that he doesn’t listen to the response and then humiliation he’s being subjected to by the “interviewee.”

    Jason Mattera, one of the new breed of agoraphobic hecklers!

  70. Kevin said,

    September 20, 2007 at 5:16

    Simba B. said,

    ‘This is a comedy blog, after all.’

    So what are you doing here?

    Wow, you blew that one :(. “So that’s why you are here.” “Yes, you prove that whenever you visit.” “Dirka dirka mohammed jihad.” All mildly amusing, but all would have been acceptable. But ‘So what are you doing here?’

    No. You must try again, young comedian! Use the progressive force, Simba!

  71. Kevin said,

    September 20, 2007 at 5:25

    “The chickenhawk was Mattera and the reference was to all those cartoons where the Foghorn was egging him on. And,yea, I know that roosters and hens are both chickens, but most people don’t call a rooster, and specifically Foghorn Leghorn, a chicken. But I could be wrong on that.”

    Eh, I’m just an unintelligent farmer (no joke, if you count tree-farms as farming and discount my job, which you shouldn’t, but still, if you are willing to do both, I am). What do I know? I have to say I LOVE your symbolism, Clif! It’s clear if you read between the lines that you are saying that like a chicken might ‘egg’ someone on, America should kill all jihadis.

    Not only did I get it, I agree! And the idea that chicken’s MAKE eggs shows your deeper insight. You are saying we should destroy the MAKERS of murderous jihadis, i.e. the radical imams. Again, I’m with you my friend.

    We are like two parts of the same mind! Will you anti-jihad with me?

  72. Kevin said,

    September 20, 2007 at 5:30

    Hehe, objectivepro called Foghorn a chickenhawk too :). Remember, it’s not the crime, it’s the coverup.

  73. Specialist G said,

    September 20, 2007 at 5:59

    You know Kevin, some folks might call three consecutive, unanswered posts in 15 minutes either a cry for help or an admission of failure. You wouldn’t happen to be a bandwagon Yankee fan would you?

  74. Hands of Fate said,

    September 20, 2007 at 6:21

    We’re makin’ pie!

  75. Kevin said,

    September 20, 2007 at 6:23

    “You know Kevin, some folks might call three consecutive, unanswered posts in 15 minutes either a cry for help or an admission of failure.”

    You sound like a Katie Couric! “Some folks might call” means, “I, who am a folk, think that…”, right? You might be right that I am crying for you to help your country, but admitting failure would sound more like silence, so you’re way off base there.

    But in reality Special G, it’s much more simple than that. When someone attempts to poke fun at me, I attempt to poke fun back at them. Hopefully they don’t take it as seriously as you do, or no meeting of the minds will ever occur.

    C’mon, even after we’d discussed that showing a pic of a chicken while calling someone a chickenhawk is inane, and even after brushing against how silly the idea of calling someone a chickenhawk is in the first place, objective pro repeated the mistake. How could I NOT respond? It’s just too funny, and not at all my fault.

  76. The Transposeur said,

    September 20, 2007 at 6:32

    re:Kevin’s post

    It’s just too faulty, and not at all fun.

  77. Jrod said,

    September 20, 2007 at 6:42

    Moron, have you ever seen a Foghorn Leghorn cartoon? Like, one with Foghorn and an entirely separate character called the Chickenhawk? I say, now I say, what’s wrong with you, boy?

    But thanks for your concern that we should help America. I will fight for what is right! I’ll take a page from that patriotic Jason Mattera and harrass a crippled old man. That’ll show the turrists what for!

  78. Shorter (and Fake) Kevin said,

    September 20, 2007 at 6:44

    “…and even after brushing against how silly the idea of calling someone a chickenhawk is in the first place…”

    Calling my heroes ‘chickenhawks’ hurts! Make it stop!

  79. Kevin said,

    September 20, 2007 at 7:06

    Hah! “The Transposeur said,
    re:Kevin’s post
    It’s just too faulty, and not at all fun.”

    My God, you are a perfect liberal. Deride, but don’t explain why derision is needed. Make it sound like you can’t be bothered explaining things or something. Too funny. I wouldn’t say you are the problem with debate, but you’re certainly an example. Will liberals ever learn that they can’t stifle debate with condescension? Time will tell.

    Jrod, I sa I say, I know the difference between a chicken and a chickenhawk. I appear to be da only one.

    Shorter fake kevin, you might as well go back to leaving out the ‘and fake’ part. Intelligent people understood that it was implied. And I bet even liberals don’t find ‘shorter so and so’ to be humorous anymore. All tastes sophisticate. Even liberal’s.

  80. The Disgruntled Chemist said,

    September 20, 2007 at 7:43

    Armed to the teeth with a video camera and a preposterous haircut, Mattera infiltrated the Rayburn House Office Building and hunkered down to wait for the Congressman.

    Come on, Clif. We go to war with the haircut we have, not the haircut we might want to have.

  81. Jrod said,

    September 20, 2007 at 9:14

    Fuckwit, listen close. The chickenhawk in the picture is not Foghorn Leghorn. The other guy is the chickenhawk. OK? The person in the picture is the chickenhawk, not the rooster standing behind him. OK? I realize you like to say stupid things in the hope that someone will pay you a little attention, but this is stupid even for you.

  82. kiki said,

    September 20, 2007 at 10:32

    Kevin, you are an asshole.

    This derision is needed because you are an asshole.

    See how that works?

  83. Kevin Bacon Holding A Short Roll Of Playdoh said,

    September 20, 2007 at 11:10

    Poor, poor Kevin. Reduced to incoherence again by what ever mental illness addles him in real life, he has to resort to taking the typical adolescent route of “Well, that as may be, but you’re still a…” route to get out of the fact that he is incapable of even understanding a simple visual joke anymore, if it’s not used in a context he personally can relate too. I’m still taking bets on it being a severe form of autism myself, a complete inability to understand external context or communication. I could also point out the sheer insanity of people pointing him to the context of the Cartoons themselves, “you know, we’ve used Foghorn because, in the cartoons in which he appears…” to explain the joke, then his going on to claim that HE is the only one who knows what a chicken is, and why isn’t anyone explaining the disdain “Kevin” is held in to him… but every one of you not cripplingly addicted to trying to control the conversation in has already seen it as clear as day, which is why his attempts to elicit response are so full of fail.
    Ahhh, can’t you just picture Kevin… he’s the guy in the office who no one really likes, so he tries to emulate social practices and conventions and repeats the joke of the week for week after week just to be noticed, but because he doesn’t understand nuance or wit or just plain humanity, he repeats it months and then years after the joke has worn thin in the eyes of a culture he can’t relate too, so it just makes himself appear less popular and tolerable instead. But… but… isn’t he being what you all say you want?! But he doesn’t have the sense or dignity to know when to just stop.
    Sometime somewhere, trolling was that joke for Kevin. He thought it made him cool or in control of whatever voices he was listening too at the time, and now here he is, years later, unable to even recall what got him the reaction at the time, now just repeating the hollow exterior forms of the act, wondering why no one reacts any more to it’s obvious patheticness. And can’t you just see him, going out to nightclubs and getting really hurt and wounded that women SAY they want X, Y, Z and here he is, pretending to be it… But then they reject him, as if he wasn’t that at all! Bitches! What they really want is A, B and C! But if he says that to them directly, they reject him even more! So I know, I’ll go onto Sadly No! and try to offend all those cool liberal types who no doubt got laid at University by knowing that secret way to really think was too. Bastards! They think they are so smart; They’re not so smart…

    … And then he’s going to respond to THIS post no doubt with some incoherent rubbish, hinting at some hidden knowledge or a joke without a clear punchline because he doesn’t understand people or true intelligence, and because he hopes that if he’s just vague enough, somehow I’ll find the way to read offense into what he writes but isn’t smart enough to actually cause anymore. But nope “Kevin”, not gonna happen, because I can still see you trying to say, after you were told what the joke was, that no one else but you understood Foghorn Leghorn is the chicken.

    He’s the chicken, you know Kevin…

    Poor, poor Kevin

  84. William F. Buckley said,

    September 20, 2007 at 13:47

    God, I hate Kevin. It makes me sad knowing that someone that fucking stupid walks the earth.

  85. Kevie-Wevie's Mum said,

    September 20, 2007 at 18:41

    Don’t be quite so hard on the boy, now. He was dropped as a child. Damn babies are so slippery when you pop ‘em out, you know?

  86. Smart Remarks » Blog Archive » When chickenhawks attack said,

    September 20, 2007 at 19:15

    [...] out for the shrapnel of stupidity. Share and Enjoy: These icons link to social bookmarking sites where readers can share and [...]

  87. t4toby said,

    September 20, 2007 at 19:28

    I think you guys are too hard on Kevin.

    This is a comedy blog, after all, and his logic is so tortured, I get a chuckle out of almost anything he says.

    I don’t understand how Lil’ Kevie can cause so much anger. He’s like Wingnut Light…Now with 20% less substance and 10% less total assholery.

    And once, I had a Mango & Fresh Blackberry Pie. With a homemade crust. I ate half of it in one sitting. It was divine. Divine Pie.

  88. Noone said,

    September 20, 2007 at 20:29

    “I believe the term for young Mr. Mattera is “shameless”.”

    I was going for “douchbag”…or is that an insult to douches?

  89. Noone said,

    September 20, 2007 at 20:30

    Kevin who?

  90. (: Tom :) said,

    September 20, 2007 at 23:51

    I only made it part way through the comments before I hit the trifecta:

    Mattera then mugged a shit-eating little grin for the camera and went back to his base . . . ment.

    “For gallentry above and beyond the call of doody, for repeated acts of courage and sacrifice, while not actually under fire, but still stuff mighta happened, I award you, Jason Mattera, the Cross of the Chickenhawk along with the Order of the Wingnut with Cheetos clusters. A grateful nation thanks you for service”…

    If it weren’t for the 101st Chairborn, we’d all be wearing burkas…

    Awesome stuff. Now I need to hook up another monitor to viddy the rest of them…

  91. GoatBoy said,

    September 21, 2007 at 3:39

    “Will liberals ever learn that they can’t stifle debate with condescension?”

    A debate? Wake me up as soon as one breaks out.

  92. Kevin said,

    September 21, 2007 at 4:42

    Too late. You missed it goatman :(.

    Hey, Noone doesn’t know Kevin! “Noone said, Kevin who?” Suddenly I feel important. There is no one who doesn’t know me? Geez!

    *blush*

  93. Kevin said,

    September 21, 2007 at 4:47

    As this is the last night I can make fun of your absolutely positively non-liberating liberal ways for at least 10 days, I’m choosing to do it on a more recent thread. But don’t think I don’t love you hippie people! Groove on with your ‘freedom for us, and no one else’ stance!

    It’s ‘liberating’ :).

  94. Herr Doktor Bimler said,

    September 21, 2007 at 6:24

    Will liberals ever learn that they can’t stifle debate with condescension?
    Condescension? Stifling debate? Easy. Though you’re taking the risk that there’s an autopsy, where the pathologist might notice the broken capillaries under the debate’s eyelids.

  95. GoatBoy said,

    September 21, 2007 at 14:50

    “Too late. You missed it goatman “

    Ah, so I did. I see it up there now; “Resolved: that calling Foghorn Leghorn a hawk is antithetical to the enjoyment of pie”. I don’t know how I missed that stirring debate earlier.

  96. DEMIZE! said,

    September 22, 2007 at 4:20

    Isn’t this the rectum that has been railing against Affirmative Action and ,Woops,turns out he’s attending college on an AA.scholarship for Puerto Ricans?WTF.is with these people.NO SENSE OF IRONY.

  97. Avrqtddf said,

    July 14, 2009 at 15:18

    uBaMhC

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