Shorter Rudy Guliani ad
Posted on January 3rd, 2008 by Brad
- SAND PEOPLE! VIOLENT AND WICKED SAAAAAAAND PEOPLE!! WANT TO KILL YOU!!! KIIIIIILLLLL YOOOOOOOU!!!! WILL STEAL YOUR SUV AND FLATSCREEN TV!!!! WILL FORCE YOU TO EAT VEGETABLES AND EXERCISE!!!!!! RUDY STRONG!!!!! RUDY STRONG!!!!!
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard.
They will never get me to eat brussels sprouts! NEVER! (Unless they saute them and put some cheese in there, too!)
Rudy Giuliani… tested. I saw him walking around in rubble and stuff. Plus he was a mayor for a while, so he has super-kickass foreign policy experience. He’ll kick Osama’s ass the way he kicked the crap out of the squeegee guys.
SQUEEGEE, BITCHEZ!!11!!1! VOTE RUDY!!1!!11!! 9/11 FOREVER!!11!111!
After this I expect Giuliani to shun the convention entirely and sit outside the Xcel Energy Center reading speeches from Coriolanus.
*sets fire to running shoes*
Take THAT, Islamocommie liberal fascists!!
Oh man, he got the “In a world where…” guy from the movie trailers.
As a result, I feel compelled to see this, even though I know it will be crap.
OMIGOD IM ALREADY MARRIED BUT IF I WASNT MY WIFE WOULD BE MORE LIKELY TO GET KILLED BY A TERRORIST BY THE TIME SHE’S 40 THAN TO MARRY ME AIRPLANE CRASHES WEATHER CONTROL JUPITER IGNITION BLARGLE NARGLE ROUS!!!
I just overheard a conversation in the hallway at the corporate center where I’m a contractor:
“Do you know anybody in the Air Force? Or anybody political?”
“What? Why?”
“Well my brother called me from Iraq and said ‘They’re burning kids alive over here.’ We have to make somebody hear this.”
Well, if ol’ Nosferatu Guiliani can’t keep you safe, who can?
Why are the Mexicans carrying guns?
By the way, shortest Rudy Giuliani: “9/11!!!“
Geez, Mr. “World War IV”, the Podfather, must have creamed his shorts watching that one. No doubt, this tasteless fear pandering vid is a product of his (oh-so-serious and not at all freakin’ loony) foreign policy guidance to the Rude-ster.
From the Cutting Edge site (thanks, Boy Called Sue!):
Yeah, that’s going to be a rental for me. Not enough replayability to make it worth buying.
It doesn’t make it shorter, but I fixed it for you.
No, no, no. THIS is the “in a world where…” guy:
Atrios is totally right though–isn’t this what he SHOULD be doing, and should HAVE been doing for a while now? What else does a guido pro-choice papist adulterer from Jew York have to offer the bigots in the heartland besides promises to kill lots of brown people? It’s the only thing they have in common. He’s way better off doing this than wearing a sweater vest and creepily flirting with Santa in the most uncomfortable television commercial since Michael Jordan creepily (and inexplicably) flirted with Kevin Bacon.
I freak out over misaligned wall-hangings so here’s hoping Rudy will take the tough steps necessary to reduce the threat presented to me by the dwellings of others.
uh-oh
Gary’s not going to come out from behind the water heater for days
Even shorter:
nounverb9-11nounverb9-11nounverb9-11…
GIULIANI!!!
Brilliant ad. Especially the “A people, perverted.” part. Smart. Oh, so smart.
I forecast a genius foreign policy should Rudy, Queen of the Desert, get elected.
I think someone needs to redo that ad. Keep the voiceover, but replace the images with pictures of Middle Eastern food.
This ad has convinced me that Rudy has the will to triumph.
All kidding aside, Rudy is definitely ready. Why, I hear he has plans to put an Emergency Management Command Center . . . in the Pentagon! And everybody will get a brand new radio, too!
“Gary’s not going to come out from behind the water heater for days.”
Great. I’m not cleaning up his droppings this time.
Anyone else notice the Jerry Rubin lookalike in that video? Subtle, or not so, dig at the DFHs? And, oh my, I just loved the visual KKK allusion. Goebbels would be proud, I say.
Shouldn’t they be walking single file, to conceal their numbers?
Holy shit, I just got a mental image of playing Mad-Libs with Rudy.
Is that the soundtrack to Gladiator or the 300 in the background? Every sword fighting epic (or Anti-semitic Jesus movie made by Mr. Payback Lethal Weapon) uses the same music.
This ad has convinced me that Rudy has the will to triumph.
Keep on strugglin’ Rudy.
I’m going to eat lots of asparagus and then pee on Guliani’s law office floor.
Oh, man, BoyNamedSue, that is Comic Gold!
Its like he saw 2010 when he was a kid, then forgot it, then remembered it but forgot that the memory pertained to a movie. He was all like, “Whoa, a vision.”
I know this because I had the same problem with the orange ass (cheeto stained?) Oompah Loompahs. I was convinced that they were honest-to-god underpants gnomes for the longest time.
Oh, and Rudi, Queen of the Desert?
Ha!
“Why are the Mexicans carrying guns?”
Arm curls + steroids?
I’m definitely voting for Rudy–he’s the only one who understands the importance of the Global War on Ferrets.
OMIGOD IM ALREADY MARRIED BUT IF I WASNT MY WIFE WOULD BE MORE LIKELY TO GET KILLED BY A TERRORIST BY THE TIME SHE’S 40 THAN TO MARRY ME AIRPLANE CRASHES WEATHER CONTROL JUPITER IGNITION BLARGLE NARGLE ROUS!!!
My God, it’s full of crap! Seriously, this was like going back to the days of lurking on alt.conspiracy and reading the mega-insane ramblings of Nancy Luft. Thank you, Boy Called Sue, for teaching me how to laugh again!
Excuse me, but Rudy! Giuliani would never call them “sand people”.
They’d be “sand niggers”.
ARG! the brown people are coming! the brown people are coming!
Rudy needs to learn to relax.. The brown people bring curry with them. Delicious Delicious curry.. There are other cultural benefits to the invasion too.. Young muslim men are very keen on careful facial hair styling.. The American wingnut could learn a lot from the average european muslim lad when it comes to the art of the goatee.
Diversity brings humour with it too! Witness this snippet of conversation overheard in a British bus stop.. “Yeah, yeah, but da prophet di’n say nuffin about da weed innit?”
Sure, you get those nasty brown boys daring to date white women, but that only means there are some muslim ladies available for white men! After all, what right winger wouldn’t want a nice subservient middle eastern wife? All the local bitches have got all feminazi, and the average cheeto-stained wingnut is left unable to find a slave/baby machine! It is time to look for an import if the domestic market cannot provide!
Let the brown people in, and the second amendment will be safe forever! An AK47 under every bed! Oh, and they hate the homosexuals too!
It’s a Win-Win for America!
I’m glad you pointed that out and not me, actor.
And look at the “heckuva’ job” he did with the Iraq Study Group. To say you’re the guy who’ll be there in a crisis after you got booted out of a group trying to handle a crisis is ironic, to say the least.
I think the most damning thing about Rudy is that he actually believes his own PR. If you have that little grasp of reality, you aren’t fit to be President.
The American wingnut could learn a lot from the average european muslim lad when it comes to the art of the goatee.
Certainly Reed R. Heustis, Jr. could.
The great thing is that the ad works even better with the sound down.
Terrorism causes fewer American deaths than overexertion or falling off of a bicycle, but it’s good to know that Rudy’s making it the centerpiece of his whole campaign. Although ‘centerpiece’ implies that there’s something more there.
Hmmmm. A goatee is a small beard with a moustache creating the cross bar of the “tee”. Since Mr Heustis is missing the moustache part, hence missing the “tee”, does that mean he really just has a goat?
C’mon, you guys, he didn’t say 9/11 once in that whole ad and only had a shadowy image for, like, a second.
Is that the soundtrack to Gladiator or the 300 in the background? Every sword fighting epic (or Anti-semitic Jesus movie made by Mr. Payback Lethal Weapon) uses the same music.
Frankly, I think even that’s a little too classy for Rudy’s current stage of desperation. He should junk this music in favor of the techno theme from the “Mortal Kombat” movie or Stone Cold Steve Austin’s entrance music, or maybe just ask Toby Keith to write him something (he’s already on his foreign policy team anyway, right?).
I think he should ask Ron Norick, the mayor of Oklahoma City in 1995, to be his running mate.
Giuliani/Norick ’08
He should junk this music
Y’all ready f’Rudy?
Thanks, everyone. I don’t write ’em, I just point and laugh. I’m happy to have spread the joy of Cutting Edge Ministries.
Nice call, LFC.
Just don’t let Mikey Klaus, Goat Blower Extrordinaire, anywhere near that kid.
Technically, a beard which is just a patch on the chin is a “soul patch”. There are lots of variations on it, but the mistake Heustis makes is by letting it crawl all the way up to his lower lip. It’s freakish. It ought to taper to a small dewlap sort of shape just under the lip.
A good beard works with your natural hair pattern, not against it. I think the problem is that Wingnuts don’t understand the concept of “working with” anything, not even their own follicles.
FLAWLESS VICTORY
And a good beard provides you with time to work up the courage to tell your parents you’re gay.
Technically, a beard which is just a patch on the chin is a “soul patch”.
…and Heustis has no soul, making him a hypocrite.
And a good beard provides you with time to work up the courage to tell your parents you’re gay.
Reminds me of an old joke. In this case, the setup is Heustis at law school speaking to the dean…
Heustis: I think my roommate is gay.
Dean: Why do you think that?
Heustis: I’m pretty sure I tasted s*** on his c***.
Too far?
“And a good beard provides you with time to work up the courage to tell your parents you’re gay.”
And here I thought I was just too goddamned lazy to shave.
“And everybody will get a brand new radio, too!”
Cool! Can I have a Bose?
Lessee. I already have a pounding headache and I suspect this ad will cause my Bp to rise at least 50 points.
Nope. Not gonna click on it. Nuh-uh.
Yep, I’m with you, Arky.
Not really on the headache part (though my cold seems to be making a resurgence) but on the not-gonna-click-it part.
If Rudy gets really desperate, maybe he’ll choke a Muslim to death on live TV as proof of his willingness to kill anyone he has to in order to be president.
FLAWLESS VICTORY
They could add a bit at the end where Rudy rips out an Arab’s spine before declaring that he approves the fuck out of this message.
Last night I duct-taped a Brussels Sprout to my chin. I’m not yet a lawyer, but I’m starting to think a lot about Jesus.
The People Perverted shall Never be Defeated!
(I like that cheer. Maybe we should take it up)
suggested tag line
There’s strong and there’s Rudy Strong.
Enough to make them swoon in the fruit loops.
Can I just say that it would be incredibly cool if Rudy! appeared and beat all the jihadi muslim motherfuckers to death with the jawbone of an ass.
Maybe he could use Huckabee’s jawbone.
[Rimshot]
mikey
You’re still holding out for the ass-jawbone war porn, huh mikey?
(Can’t really blame the guy…that is pretty righteous.)
Does anyone think the wording of the Osama passage is a little weird? “Osama bin Laden, still….making friends.” Erm, OK. I seem to remember him being involved in some heavier shit than that but maybe I’m thinking of somebody else. Probably George Soros.
As someone who has had to make a professional (ie, they WERE paying me) weapons selection choices in order to try to kill large numbers of my fellow human beings, I have always been fascinated by the seemingly lame ass-jawbone choice. I mean, we’re pretty solidly in the iron age at this point, right? We can do spears, swords, even pikes and battle axes.
So what’s a dood trying to say, or demonstrate, by using the jawbone of an ass? And what’s it say about the (lack of) quality of the opposition?
Nope, I’ve tried pistols, shotguns, rifles, grenades, air strikes, artillery, hell, even my bare hands.
Jawbone of an ass?
Gotta be more to the story they’re not telling us…
mikey
I was so traumatized by brussels sprouts yesterday that today I’m eating a Falafel Wrap for lunch.
There’s nothing more Heartland Values and Amurrikan than taking vegetables and deep frying them!
I’ll be picturing Billo using them in the shower while I eat them. It will steel me and firm my resolve for when the next boatload of pantloaders arrive on our pristine shores.
I wonder if Ghouliani will get the Drag Queen vote?
…the most uncomfortable television commercial since Michael Jordan creepily (and inexplicably) flirted with Kevin Bacon.
Nowadays he’s creepily flirting with Cuba Gooding, Jr. Didn’t he win an Oscar or something?
Jawbone of an ass?
Gotta be more to the story they’re not telling us…
Maybe it was the assbone of an ass but it just didn’t read well.
ZOMG! U FORGOT TEH GHEY BUTT SEKX!!!
Jawbone of an ass?
Gotta be more to the story they’re not telling us…
I’ve found that pretty much everything in the Bible is a stupid mistranslation. The story of Samson was probably a recipe for cous cous or something.
I have to agree, mikey, but which is more righteous?
Mowing down a crowd with some Streetsweeper shit, or going through them one at a time, bludgeoning them to death with a bone from your favorite childhood animal?
Plus, I think an ass’s jawbone is a pretty hefty cudgel. If they were talking about a dog’s jawbone, then I’d be seriously wondering. No, on second thought, that would be even more righteous.
Being righteous is never practical.
I’m taking the rest of the afternoon off to try and kick the crud. Being sick makes me very unhappy, and unhappiness is something I tend to quite willingly share with those around me.
So in order to fortify myself to kill the germs, plus gain strength against the impending inclement weather, I made a nice pile of steak and eggs and fresh tortillas. I am duly fortified.
Speaking of the looming storms, californians cannot effectively deal with water when it falls willy nilly out of the sky. Hangs ’em up, freaks ’em out.
You watch. In the middle of the Caucus reporting tonight, the local stations are gonna be whoopin out the “STORMWATCH ’08” graphics.
Stoopid fuckers…
mikey
It was actually The Samsons.
Delilah had a giant blue bouffant hair-do and took care of the house.
They had a bratty son who was always being sentenced to a stoning for mooning the patriarch.
And a preachy, pointy-headed daughter who was always saying that the War with the Midianites was not the answer.
And Samson had to eat the ass before he could get to the jawbone and use it as a weapon.
“Mmmm. Jawbone.”
Does anyone think the wording of the Osama passage is a little weird? “Osama bin Laden, still….making friends.”
He’s been attending some Dale Carnegie seminars, I hear.
Mikey: try my magic cure-all. Mulled wine, with strepsils dissolved into it. If it doesn’t cure whatevers wrong with you, it will at least leave you too drunk to care.
You watch. In the middle of the Caucus reporting tonight, the local stations are gonna be whoopin out the “STORMWATCH ‘08? graphics.
The TV news anchors are standing out on PCH in Malibu, in their slickers, talking into the camera about how there isn’t any rain now but that they’re seeing some of the southbound cars with their wipers going.
I am not kidding you.
g. Unlike people further east who live where they have regular weather, I am entirely unsurprised by this. The “storm” (by the way, for the rest of you, that means maybe 4 inches of rain between now and sunday, with some fifty mile an hour gusts tomorrow) will dominate the news until the “cleanup” stories run next week. All during which they will remind us ad nauseum that this storm, violent though it might be, will in no way contribute anything to ending our permanent state of drought.
Random. I looked up Strepsils on Wiki as I had never heard of them. I don’t think they sell them in the US. But the mulled wine is certainly a valid option. Time to make a BevMo run before the dread rain seals us all in for the duration…
mikey
The TV news anchors are standing out on PCH in Malibu, in their slickers, talking into the camera about how there isn’t any rain now but that they’re seeing some of the southbound cars with their wipers going.
Wow. I thought our local East Coast news hacks were lame. They send a crew to the beach every spring on the first sunny day.
Well, strepsils, or whatever cough sweets are avaliable in your area. A whole packet to a bottle of wine, and heat it up fast so the precious alcohol doesn’t boil off before you drink it.
I recommend the Hot Toddy.
Basically hot hot hot water, tons of brandy (or whiskey works), lemon juice (at least 2 tablespoons), and honey to taste. Works like a charm!
get well Mikey.
Its like he saw 2010 when he was a kid, then forgot it, then remembered it but forgot that the memory pertained to a movie. He was all like, “Whoa, a vision.”
There’s an actual word for that: cryptomnesia.
Arky, have you tried holding your head under ice water? It’s kind of a kill or cure without the benefit of actually curing the headache. While your head is actually under the ice water, your headache is largely muted, but sadly when you stop it comes back instantaneously. Also, it may just cause you to scream and try to kill me for suggesting it, since some people tell me it only makes theirs worse.
Time to make a BevMo run before the dread rain seals us all in for the duration…
I heard that. supposedly it is storm of the century in Marin Co. right now. headed our way.
I lived in Marin for the great flood of ’86.
Huge pile of mercedes at the end of that culvert at the Hub in San Anselmo.
Not a lot of fun…
mikey
My friend in L.A. thinks of me every time she winds up at BevMo because I am gay and like to drink Guinness. True story…you didn’t need to hear.
I have to use my inside voice here sometimes.
Gary’s not going to come out from behind the water heater for days.
One can only *wish*.
Let’s start a rumor that Guiliani’s people are sounding out Hillary’s people about him telling his caucus supporters to vote for her, in return for the VP spot once she gets the nomination.
I liked the ad, but what does Giuliani have against perverts?
Hey, guys, look:
Guiliani’s people are sounding out Hillary’s people about him telling his caucus supporters to vote for her, in return for the VP spot once she gets the nomination.
I read it on the internet not five minutes ago, so it must be true!
Let’s start a rumor that Guiliani’s people are sounding out Hillary’s people about him telling his caucus supporters to vote for her, in return for the VP spot once she gets the nomination.
Damn, that’s a evil paring to put Me an’ Azathoth to shame.
Guiliani’s people are sounding out Hillary’s people about him telling his caucus supporters to vote for her, in return for the VP spot once she gets the nomination.
I’ll tell the Atriots. I’m not sure Hecate will be pleased with me.
I read
He should junk this music
And thought He should crunk this music.
Of course I really try not to think of music while thinking of Rudi!, because I don’t want to ruin
I went to the market to realise my soul
‘Cause what I need I just don’t have
First they curse, then they press me till I hurt…
The people, perverted,
can never be subverted!
Let’s start a rumor that Guiliani’s people are sounding out Hillary’s people about him telling his caucus supporters to vote for her, in return for the VP spot once she gets the nomination.
Damn, that’s a evil paring to put Me an’ Azathoth to shame.
Yeah, what’s great is that it’s so *believable*. And the CW says Rude Ghoul is going to post in the single digits in Iowa anyways, and not much better in New Hampster. So, why should Kuchinic have all the fun?
YouTube links for both, please.
OK, I’m no longer at work, so I can view this ad.
Here are the thoughts that occurred to me –
1) I would love to have some ethnomusicologist or scholar of Islamic music view this and tell us what that piece of music was that they used. I’m betting it does not mean what they think it does. It may not even be Islamic at all. (It could be Bulgarian)
2) Rudy Giuliani better not campaign in Brooklyn down on Atlantic Avenue. Or in Dearborn, MI.
And I suppose you just want us to sit back and turn our heads until the Bulgarians have taken our cities, with their stranged cracked wheat?
So what’s a dood trying to say, or demonstrate, by using the jawbone of an ass?
It was a feckin’ boomerang, OK Mikey?
YHWHdamn Philistinians.