CPAC Of Lies

I promised you people a big announcement on Monday. Now, of course, it’s not Monday anymore, and this isn’t so much a big announcement as a begging letter disguised as a big announcement, but are we ones to split hairs? I think not. I think very much not.

Now, I wish to tread carefully here, because I know that many right-wingers frequent our lovely little home here on the internet, trolling about for reasons to think ill of us. Therefore, I am going to cleverly encode the message below. When you see Gallant, and read regular text, you will know I am telling the whole truth to you, my fellow socialist homo-symp leftist stooges. When you see Goofus, and read text in boldface, you will know that I am directing a false message to the conservative blogosphere to throw them off our trail. (I am confident that they won’t transfer this information into long-term memory, because it does not contain any anecdotes about how Muslims are trying to bake our freedoms and feed them to us, or any combination of the words “Hillary” and “Hitler.” Well, except for that one.) Ready?


Ladies and gentlemen, a great tragedy has befallen your humble exposer of the wrongs of the right. Last night, during a violent winter storm in my home town of Bugtussle, AL, my beloved combination bird-feeder/weather station/plastic explosive detector was blown over and rolled down a hill, where it accidentally decapitated my neighbor’s lawn statue of Lee Atwater. Not only are damages estimated in the high four figures, but until repairs are effected, I will be unable to continue my important work of keeping local dark-breasted rosefinches well-nourished, keeping my white neighbors informed of impending deadly hurricanes, and keeping Islamo-Nazi homicide bombers well-stocked with maps to the White House and information on how to deactivate its security systems.


I‘m going to CPAC this year*. CPAC, as you may know, is the Conservative Political Action Conference, which is basically a huge science fiction convention attended exclusively by right-wing crazies. You may remember it as the location of many a deranged speech by presidential no-hopers like Alan Keyes, or the venue chosen by the ever-charming Ann Coulter to call a United States senator a faggot. In addition to this being an election year (which means that people like Fred Dalton Thompson will be there, personally threatening to stave in a Muslim’s head with an entrenching tool), all the wingnuts worth their wings will be in attendance, thinking up new and exciting bullshit to feed their Cheeto-chested devotees. And I want to be there too, a viper in their midst, a fly in their ointment, a turd in their punchbowl. I want to say something to Michelle Malkin that will make her tongue swell up. I want to start a betting pool about when Ann Coulter will call someone a sand-nigger. I want to listen to a live Musclehead Revolution podcast and count how many correctly pronounced words in a row they can manage. I want to describe to Ben Shapiro what sex with a lady is like. I want to get drunk and liveblog the whole sorry scene, and I want to do it on your dime.


As you know, it’s not easy — or cheap — supporting our terrorist masters in Pyongyang and Beirut. Every dollar I earn from my job as assistant to the regional manager of a thriving local crack cocaine dealership goes to maintaining this very expensive blog. And, like most left-wingers, I cannot accomplish anything on my own, so I am predictably reduced to begging others to help me accomplish what I cannot on my own, just like Ayn Rand said in that one book she wrote that went on and on and on for millions of pages.


Actually, I’m going no matter what. I make decent money and I can afford it, but I do enjoy it when people give me things for free, and since I’ll never qualify for wingnut welfare like certain doughy pantloads, screeching harpies or gun-toting grill enthusiasts I could name, I’m reaching out to you fine folks to see if you’d like to lend a hand. The total cost of the trip — hotel, tickets to the event, and plane fare, plus a free breakfast with Newt “Far-Out Space Nut” Gingrich — will be around a grand, and I’ve already raised enough to cover the travel costs, so I’m about a third of the way there. If you have a couple of extra bucks lyin’ around, pitch them my way, and I can do this up right and still have enough money to buy enough martinis to be so drunk that I don’t think too hard about the fact that I’m actually helping pay for these dipshits to have their annual festival of dingbattery.


So won’t you please help? Click on the PayPal logo below and I can buy a new grill I can get back to abetting Islamic extremism, helping queers marry each other in our public parks, and blaming everything on our President. For your generous donation, I promise to impregnate white women and then pay for their abortions, impregnate nonwhite women and NOT pay for their abortions, and attempt to impregnate human males and quadrupeds of either sex while donating money to the Viva Fidel! Fund for Communist Cuban Abortions.


So won’t you please help? Click on the PayPal logo below, which is lame but I don’t know how else to do it, and I will go to CPAC, where I will write many a Sadly, No! entry for your amusement about the unfolding parade of mental dysfunction all around me. This will be a gift that keeps on giving, as I will receive many hilarious begging letters from conservative causes, bring back tons of crazy right-wing nut literature, and take your suggestions for embarrassing questions to ask your favorite CPAC panelists, Scaife Foundation mooches, and Town Hall charity cases! Why not just pay for the whole thing myself? I don’t want to. And that’s where you come in! This I promise you, in all seriousness: like most of you, I’m unspeakably grateful that Sadly, No! exists, and every goddamn penny I get over and above my legit travel expenses will go straight to this site, and that’s on the real. So the more you give, the more you help out S,N!.


CPAC is the first week in February of 2008. (Details are here.) Confirmed guests so far include baby-drowning tax-loather Grover Norquist, antifeminist crone Phyllis Schlafly, professional virgin Ben Shapiro, terror-appeasing immigrant Dinesh D’Souza, all-star race hustler Roy Innis, screeching dingbat Michelle Malkin**, and all-around horrible human being Richard Viguerie. And that’s just for the first day! Come on, folks: a chance like this doesn’t come around every year. Well, okay, actually, it does. And here it is! If you’re pro-fun and pro-giving-money-to-a-total-stranger, SEND ME TO CPAC. I promise you I won’t regret it!

* Despite humorous content of rest of post, this is for real. I really am going to CPAC, and I really do encourage you to donate $ towards my appearance as Sadly, No!’s man on the inside.
** Do you know what the panel that Michelle Malkin hosted at last year’s CPAC was about? “Accuracy in media.” Michelle Malkin hosted a panel on accuracy in media. No, really.


Comments: 70


THE Dinesh D’Souza?!?!?!

I swoon.

Hey, maybe Jonah Goldberg will be there and you can get him to sign an invisible copy of his invisible book in invisible ink.


Don’t have too much fun. And I’ll be supporting you in spirit. Just not w/ any funds. My welfare (not wingnut, real) card can’t be used for stuff like that, just food & boring things. I begged them for cash, but they could see the burns from my crack pipe all over me. And I suppose they won’t let you back in 2009 (if the event is still going on, even, maybe it’ll just be a slugfest for what scraps of wingnut welfare remain) so I won’t promise anything for then, either.


I plan on donating when my new credit card comes in (no, I swear).

But you have to smell Max Blumenthal’s hair for me and tell me all about it in a redoubtably long post.

Ah, Max Blumenthal. Ahhhhhh!

And tell Ben Shapiro girls can’t give you cooties. That’s early elementary school lore.


OT, but I thought you would be interested.

I was at the right-wing newspaper where I work, and I went into the breakroom several times, and there was a gigantic bag of Cheetos open on one of the tables. Not just any Cheetos. It was the Baked Crunchy Barbecue Cheetos.

Every time I walked by, I wanted to laugh. But I knew if I did, somebody would ask why I was laughing, and I can’t imagine how I would have explained it in a manner that made any sense. (Might not have been that hard. Some of these people are excessively gullible.)

Is the management providing the free Cheetos fully knowledgeable of the noxious effects these Baked Cruncy Barbecue Cheetos have on the human mind, and their tendency to turn the unsuspecting consumer into a useless babbling wanker like Thomas Sowell or Dinesh D’Souza? They should be careful because those people may hold important positions at the paper, but they don’t get much work done. Most of the real work is done by smart, perceptive, ambitious people. Too many Cheeto eaters and there won’t be a newspaper.


$5 from me. Not that I think it’ll only be $5 worth of funny but what with christmas winterfest coming I had best save money. Roof-mounted burning effigies of the baby jebus don’t come cheap you know….


And tell Ben Shapiro girls can’t give you cooties. That’s early elementary school lore.

Oh… but then… oh. So these must be crabs then.


If we donate, can we give you a question to ask a wingnut for us? I would like to ask Michelle Malkin how she feels about Proust.


I just donated 20$, that’s 10 for me and 10 for Malignant Bouffant.

Also, after you ask how Michelle Malkin how she feels about Proust,
Could you ask how she feels about toast?

(Dr. Seuss changed my life, when I was little.)


I’ll donate if you’ll wear a nametag that says “Macaca”.


If I give you $50, would you nut-punch Phyllis Schlafly? I don’t think that would be considered violence. Sexual harassment, perhaps…


$10 in your pocket, no strings attached. Bring back teh Snark.

Be sure to wrap your head in tin foil, so as to blend in with the crowd.


Thank you. May our secular master, Satan Claws, make your holidays abortionerrific.


This is exciting. I’ll try to send some money. I hope your pseudonymy-fu is strong enough (or their background-check-fu is weak enough) that they let you in.


Be sure to wrap your head in tin foil, so as to blend in with the crowd.

And dye your fingertips orange.


I wish I could donate but one of my darling little kitties ran up a $500 bill at the vet last month.

But then if wishes were horses, wingnuts wouldn’t need welfare.

Best of luck staying undercover.


I’ll give after Christmas but before the event.

Really. I promise.

I hope you’ll be able to tell us if Ann Coulter’s tits are real.


Welcome Conventioneers! We’re Proud to be a sponsor of this year’s Conservative Political Action Conference!


The fact is, you liberals will be exposed when you show up, and humiliated for the USA haters you are. I can’t wait to see you run out on a rail, covered in tar and feathers, and symbolically strung up to have food thrown at you. All of this is legal, for God said to treat evildoers thyis way, for theirs is the kingdom of hell.


In fact, Jonah Goldberg, who you constantly make fun of, is a true patriot, and his book will expose all of you for the traitors and subhuman filth collaborators with radical islam and secularization and class war you represent.

Phil Moskowitz, Lovable Rogue

I pledge to plant a tree at next years AIPAC convention.


I just had to see what Gary was saying on this thread so I disabled the pie filter briefly – I’d figured it would be threats to rat you out himself, but he cops out with the passive voice “will be exposed”. Lame.

I think it is probably a good idea to let CPAC know there will be liberal infiltrators (infil – traitors?). That way, the whole crowd attending will be constantly paranoid and ever alert to finding the Enemy Within, giving the whole event the proper ambience.

That is, they’ll be even more constantly paranoid etc.


Baked Crunchy Barbecue Cheetos?

How can anyone govern a nation with 246 varieties of cheetos?


symbolically strung up to have food thrown at you.


Gary has some strange pictures in his head.


Malkin responds so well to the presence of interlopers at CPAC.


Goofus and Gallant, that’s a good schtick – you should keep it. And speaking of keepable schticks, how about fixing the internets?


The fact is, you will be exposed for your perfity, and bias towards USA and troops and freedom. God does not like liberals, especially when they shelter illegals, abort and do not work hard.


So Gary dreams about throwing food at naked-but-for-feathers liberals? Man, righties are such kinksters. Just how wide is G.R.’s stance, in liberofascist centimeters, anyway?


If you are short on cash, I recommend buying a bunch of butt plugs in bulk before the conference. With these closeted Larry Craig types, I’m sure you’ll be able to turn quite a profit if you set up a little booth in one of the men’s room stalls.

Should anyone try to stop you, start screaming about the power of the free market until their fear of communism overrides their fear of teh gay.

But what I’d really love is if you could somehow bring with you about 30 of the “driving out the Satan” Pentecostal types. The kind that force you to speak in tongues and fall down from the power of Jesus and all that. I’m truly curious to see how people like Dinesh, Malkin, and Coulter would react in a room full of their religious fan base.


liberofascist centimeters

God hates the decadent European metric system.


“subhuman filth collaborators “

I only collaborate with clean subhumans.

Shower fresh Morlocks? What can I help you with?
Dirty chimpanzees? No.

Persnickety Wiseacre

Ignore teh troll. That other troll I mean, not me. I’m no troll, nosiree, I’m gonna live to be 100 and three (not Dr. Seuss I know, but to hell with it).

Persnickety Wiseacre

“subhuman filth collaborators “

I like the sound of that. Has a nice Star Trek-pseudo science ring to it. “Captain, the subhuman filth collaborator has gone off line, and we’ve lost the starboard doughy pantload cyclometer!”

Bill Rutherford, Princeton Admissions

$20 to you. Why? You’re going…so we don’t have to.


I offer my services as Head of DC Cobagitation Tourism. Ask Pinko Punko for my references.


I love the sound of sputter in the morning. It sounds like…victory.

Thanks Gary.


Good luck! One correction though — it’s two words, Bug Tussle, Ala. I have actually been there, to the extent it can be called a “there.” I shit you not.


If you have meaningful comments about the public policy issues of the CPAC speakers, you should write about them.

But calling people names is very immature.


Back when I had hair, I styled it just like Goofus.


Ten dollars for snark, but not one cent for tribute!

CPAC speakers are poopy heads

I’d say calling people names could be considered moderately immature, but calling it very immature is just being jerky.

Smiling Mortician

I will make a donation, but before I do, I’d like some reasonable assurance that it will be spent exclusively on martinis.


Leonard, any chance you can get in contact with Rev. Mykeru and get a copy of one of his Michelle Malkin “Mein Queef” t-shirts?

Arky - Cthulhusexual

Accuracy in the Media, huh? I guess she was talking about how to prevent it.

When the next paycheck comes I’ll donate so you can buy some big bottles of bleach for post-CPAC cleansing.


If you have meaningful comments about the public policy issues of the CPAC speakers, you should write about them.

I suppose if the CPAC speakers have any meaningful comments, Leonard could write about them. I’m not holding my breath, though.

But calling people names is very immature.

Hahahahahahaha! Have you ever read this blog before?


This is just the kind of blog that a winger relative of mine would end up with an anger-induced stroke if she spent any time here, because as is typical of her kind, she has no sense of humor or irony, and all humor must be of the biblcally-approved Family Circle variety.

This is of course why I love it here. That and the hope that someday she does end up here and nature takes its course.


And really, is a statement like “Most CPAC speakers are willfully ignorant shrieking authoritarians and self-righteous, selfish assholes” a meaningful comment or mere name-calling? Because I think it’s both (except for the “mere” part).


Stringonastick, Family Circus isn’t supposed to be funny. Family Circle, either — that’s about cake recipes and what kind of crap to buy.


I’d donate, but I’m still waiting for the thank-you e-mail from Gavin for the *last* time I donated. See, my giving isn’t about you – it’s about *me*, and how wonderful I am for doing so.


Shit, I’m in. Will $25 be enough to cover a brace of Mai Tais at the hotel bar?

Please advise soonest; if $25 isn’t enough, I may have to sell off some children or bilk some senior citizens or something.


Wait–so you’re NOT going to make fun of them over there, so you CAN make fun of them over here?

Got it. Will contribute. But for God’s sake, be sure to get your shots before you go.


Gift Contribution To Smart-Ass Lefty Blog: $50. Hours of snarky fun: Priceless!


I’ll try to pitch in, but I just had a couple grand in repairs to my car…

And you have to promise to ask if Ben is still a virgin. Ask it like in Life of Brian: “Are you a virgin?”


Excuse me, waiter, why are these cocktail glasses wrapped in sandpaper?

Very sorry, sir, but I’m sure your friend asked for ‘abrasive Mai Tais’.


Clyde, you big silly. Everyone at CPAC knows that Abrasive Mai Tais come with a lovely pumice garnish.

You’ll never get past security if you don’t nail the basics down.


$25 barely gets you in the door at that hotel’s bar.


Eh, an Omni property. (shrugs) I’m more a Marriott and Hyatt kinda guy.


Doctorb Science said,

December 11, 2007 at 20:39

Stringonastick, Family Circus isn’t supposed to be funny. Family Circle, either — that’s about cake recipes and what kind of crap to buy.

Right, got it. Same thing as far as I can see, only the latter promises both huge weight loss in mere weeks, right next to the cover shot and promised recipe for some fat-laden, heart-land dessert treat.


I am one of the DC-local Sadlys, and will happily hang out/play tour guide/bodyguard/whathaveyou. While I live in MD, I spend all my drinking time in the District.

I have been to the DC Wine and Food Expo, which makes my head spin in a happy way after a few hours. I’m sure the CPAC would make my head spin in a nasty way after only a few minutes.


I have been to the CPAC twice before. I was not attending the clusterfuck but observing areas of the venue in a professional manner and could not engage in any cobagitation but am under no such restraints any more.

Strange Forces, as Head of DC Cobagitation Tourism, I am forced to insist that you register at the Main Office of Cobagitation Tourism, located in the Department of Cobagitation Affairs building.


Can do! So that’s the Ronald Reagan Building, then?


Is this donation tax-deductible? Cuz it’s always around this time of year that I find I most enjoy giving generously and straight from the heart, as long as it’s tax-deductible.


Hey, thanks Thunderous one!! Now I feel like I’m pulling my weight.


Dude not only will I (hopefully) see you there, but I am planning on supplementing my crack with extra doses of Estrogen for the next couple of months, so that you can not only impregnate me, but possibly even impregnate me with twins or even triplets! Then we can abort them all for the price of one and still have enough welfare money left over to donate to the Olberman/Achmanijad ’08 presidential campaign!

Sadly, I’ve been spending pretty heavily on the War on Christmas this year, so my contribution will be minimal, but you know, money isn’t important anyway, as long as we have love and rap music and lots of drugs. Far out. Groovy.


Oh, and while you’re there, will you visit my congressperson? It’s time for her annual ass-kicking, and I’ll be too busy dope-slapping my senators..


If we donate say, a sheet of blotter paper … mailed to you in an envelope with no return address … might it be possible that said sheet of innocent dancing-bear festooned paper might wind up in the punchbowl before the Ann Coulter speech?

Strike that. A Coultergeist speech on windowpane is far, far too much to subject anyone to. Even wingnuts … NPR’s coverage of the grim Congressional testimony regarding waterboarding, currently spewing out of the radio to my left, has kinda left me queasy and unable even to joke about tormenting other humans.

I think that if I were strapped into a chair, Clockwork Orange-style, dosed with lysergic, and subjected to a diet of CPAC-level angry stoopidity, my only hope would be that my colon would leap up through my throat and strangle my brain (hat tip to Douglas Adams and the Vogons).


[…] huge thanks to all who have donated to my quest to attend CPAC and get thrown out by Michelle Malkin’s weedy husband. Astonishingly, in less than 24 hours, y’all have helped me raise almost half the jack I need […]


Mr Pierce–I will HAPPILY help you get there if I can go with! It has been something of a dream of mine. I wanted to go last year as well, but I REALLY would’ve made for trouble. I’ll make much less trouble if with you, and I think Malkin already wants to kick my ass, so I’ll make good bait even. PLEASE can I go? Please, please, pretty please?!?


Strange Forces –

Yes, the second floor of the Ronald Reagan Building, third broom closet on the right. I am required to wait the requisite three days before responding to any official correspondence request of the Department of Cobagitation Affairs.


[…] huge thanks to all of you who gave to my cash-raisin’ drive to go to CPAC. Y’all went at it like Pam Atlas on a bottle of strawberry schnapps — I’m […]


[…] is done! I’ve raised enough $ through y’all’s good graces to make a huge jackass out of myself at CPAC in February! I can’t thank you folks enough — hopefully, my dispatches from inside the […]


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