My Fedora Brings All the Girls to the Yard

Hullo m'lady.

And they’re like: “what the fuck are you doing here? Please get the fuck away from me.”

Does Anyone Even Remotely Gay Still Write for this Site, Why Even Bother Still Calling it “Gay Patriot”:
Feminism Becomes Infantile

I feel a bit awkward checking in on our good friends at the Quisling Patriot these days as it’s becoming more and more apparent that anyone with a modicum of sexual attraction to the male gender quietly bailed a long fucking time ago, now that being a self-hating scrub willing to sell your community to bigots doesn’t pay the scratch and attention it once did.

As such, we’re left with V the KKK, a non-Bruceian entity who while able to rant happily along on the general perfidy of faggots and trannies as the dedicated straight male audience to a supposedly gay blog demand, nonetheless doesn’t seem to possess much in the way of you know, self-hating gayness that made the Bruces so entertaining to mock.

And it ends up stretching the credibility even further when this writer for a supposedly gay blog (unless V the K is just a time-traveler who assumes gay just means happy) breaks out the MRA talking points like a man fishing lil’ Ayn from out of the fedora tank.

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

  • Women having resources for trauma is misandry!

Read the rest of this entry »

 

As the Jaw Drops

walkereyes

Presidential Timber Indeed…

Walker: I remember the movie in the 80s, Trading Places…

Hewitt: Right.

scotteddy

Walker: …you know, with Dan Aykroyd and Eddie Murphy, it’s like Iran and Israel are trading places in the sequel. In the eyes of this president, our ally is supposed to be Israel. Our adversary has been historically Iran. And yet this administration completely does it the other way around. We need to call radical Islamic terrorism for what it is, and a commander-in-chief who’s willing to act.

I think we were in a better place when these guys were goofing on Ebonics and not Freeform Jazz Styling on Foreign Policy.

[Update]

Also, too, we will have another wit joining this band of merry thieves. The Party in question will be introducing themselves at their leisure.

 

King and Kinder

This one happened a little while ago. We know that Missouri is the current Hot Tub of Racial conviviality and they have a Lieutenant Governor whose pointed finger has legendary aim. Between this guy and Rush Limbuagh, Missouri has a lot with which to be proud.

kinder-file-03

If this guy does not possess advanced degrees in Whitespaination, I don’t know who else might make the cut…

“There is more racism in the Justice Department than there is in anywhere I see in the St. Louis area,” said Kinder, who is a Republican.

He added that he thinks the Justice Department is staffed by “hard-left radical leftist lawyers.”

Dude needs to step off! Hyperbole is my turf! But seriously the guy might be on to something if the value for racism equals having a black guy in charge.

Next we have the King of Iowa who gets to Whitesplain Jewy Jew stuff to the Jew traitors who are not “‘merican” enought in supporting our 51st state, who fail to demonstrate sufficiant fealty to the Capital of the United States of Iowa, Tel Aviv…Or something, I am not really sure.

If you told me that King, while on a bender, raided Palin’s Garage and absconded with her WordSaladShooter™ I would believe you

“Well, there were some 50 or so Democrats that, that decided they would boycott the president’s speech,” King said. “Here’s what I don’t understand, I don’t understand how Jews in America can be Democrats first and Jewish second and support Israel along the line of just following their President.”

“It says this, they’re knee-jerk supporters of the President’s policy,” King continued. “The President’s policies throughout the Middle East have been a disaster. I would say to them, ‘Name a country with which we have better relations today than we had when Barack Obama took office.’ And I gave that in speeches for about six weeks until some lag stood up and said, ‘I can name you two, they are Cuba and Iran.’”

Yeah, that will stand up in a poetry slam.

I do have to say that I never thought of Josh Marshal as a wordsmith, but I will admit I would have been proud to cough this one up:

It really is true that for conservatives of a certain stripe, like King, Huckabee and others, Jews are little more than a kind of yahwistic lawnjockeys, mascots for a certain type of militant defense policy and museum pieces in the historical imagination of right-wing Christianity.

.

 

HappyStPat’s and ImmaTheRealAsshole™

Hello Gals and Guys and Happy St. Patrick’s day, the gift of the Irish to all of us. The Celebration of her Patron Saint, which has been turned into a mid to late lenten expression of drunken tomfoolery. The perfect Holiday on so many vectors.

Anyhoo I had entirely forgotten about the day until I placed my order for coffee at the ‘bucks across the way. Employees with green “flair” tipped me off. I happen to, most of the time, wear something green, this time a baseball cap, so I am usually covered when I stumble upon the 17th of March.

Pivoting……..

One of our gentle readers sent in a comment which I would call the perfect example of a “shorter” of my last post. Values for “shorter” requiring poor reading comprehension skills and lack of empathy, with a bit of “whitesplaining” thrown in.

If you haven’t read it (the last post, that is) do so now, or not, as might be your want.

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

  • As far as I can tell from this tale, the “Racist” did absolutely nothing overt toward the Large Black Man. Thanks for accosting someone you perceived to have committed a thought crime. You sound like a raging asshole. Congrats.

[Sound of fingers tapping on wooden desk]

Where to begin….

Our commenter has many a valid point and is correct insofar as the “Racist” (I like the capitalization and scare quotes surrounding that word btw) “…did absolutely nothing overt toward the LargeBlackMan.”

This might be technically the case if I had taken no notice of the beam of hatred. As an observer and victim of the particular behavior in question, and thus something of an expert on the subject, I have to disagree with the opening assessment.

The accusation of “…accosting…” might have a bit more salience in this case if I actually accosted the poor bastard (which now that you think about it I have done twice online at this point.)

If passing a person who is in distress and suggesting that they relax is “accosting” then I think we should have a new category for the dainty souls that run from such an encounter, say…Holocausting?

I mean what with all of the veritable lynchings that racists claim when called on their racism they should own that term.

He (almost certainly white) might also have a point on my perception of a “thought crime.” I might grant this point, were I not extraordinarily familiar with the stink eye, tensed body language, and energetic vibe that someone with their inchoate hate on projects. But then again, I might have been the real racist in the case in question. The subtleties of the subject are not lost on me.

On the last point, sir, you have caught me out. I can be an asshole,
though “raging” in this case, might step a bit past the line.

However regarding the case in question I really think that even if I had said “Quit being a racist asshole, your skirt is showing” (no offence intended to the ladies), that I would only have been an asshole in a version of the dictionary that added “speaking your mind without the privilege conferred by pale skin with penis” to its list of definitions.

Speaking of which, there has to be a conservative dictionary around so I can consult their perception of the meaning of words.

I have to admit that the “Thanks” and “Congrats” were delivered, perfectly dripping with passive aggressive passion.


‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

 

ScottishClowning™

I was gonna start up with something else. It was buried, yet churning, a-bubbling just beneath the surface, and I can’t remember exactly what the kernal was, because, well ScottishClowning™.

I think Imma gonna have a smoke and collect some brains/thoughts…brb.

OK, This may end up a multi smoke-break tale, and one in which there are two stories that will be told, and most certainly in one, I will be painted as an oppressor. The tales to be told will take likely more than the five minutes in question, to read.

Wake up a bit starvy, and while I have provisions in the pantry, the discovery of a comment requiring moderations with the almost simultaneous recognition that the monthly phone plan needed food yesterday (thought I was good until today) meant a trip to the ‘bucks was in order. As it is next door to the scottish clown, and the promise of a quicker breakfast, and the fact that I love the bacon egg cheese biscuits and the orange juice….There I ended, to start the day.

The wait after ordering was long enough to get me thinking…

Fast forward to large Black dude waltzing in, in flipflops, six foot six at least and 280-300 pounds. Big assed ‘Fro…Chilling. I noticed the anomaly immediately. I was profiling myself.

In my profile loomed a large brother who likes the sweetleaf, and whose manner and bearing indicates that he, while dressed in rather casual morning attire, was a person of some means. I checked the dude because he seemed anomalous. In a better world we would be working over a spliff and becoming fast friends and I would be writing this later. It is not even 08:30, as I type.

There was another profile. It was made by a person showing up right behind the LargeBlackMan.

I was into my first biscuit and enjoying the sweet-tangy palate cleansing aspects of the delicious orange juice. As I said I was starvy…

What struck me about the other party, almost immediately, was noticing how quickly he stopped in his tracks and actually created more distance between him and the LargeBlackMan. I did not assume there was any other reason for the move, beyond, “whoa, large dude, give him space.” A personally fine reason for a member of the averaged sized dude in question. I mean shit, there is a possibility that he could fall, one that I would not wish to break.

While continuing the work on my sammiches, mmmmmmmmmmm. These were done right by the way, I noticed that the gentleman in question was keeping very close tabs on the LargeBlackMan. Even though he had his back to me it was obvious that his primary concern was no longer his breakfast order, but what the LargeBlackMan might do and how he might be a threat.

I continued to observe the behavior (because it was obvious) while taking care of the prioritized need to put food on myself. After that, on the way to deal with my garbage, and tray, I did a thing….

I am not sure I have ever seen a truly terrified old white dude, in terrified flight back to his Fox-Hole, in the wild.

I chased the dude, who had just become aware of my presence, out of the store. This might have been me crossing the line to become an Oppressor.

What did I do, you ask?

Well short story….On my way to the waist bin, I stopped and said quietly “He’s not gonna bite” to the older dude in question.

His response should not have surprised me “Mind your own business, I know how to look after myself!” This had a spit of vitriol in it. I continued on my way, dumped my trash and upon returning to my seat he added “I worked in a difficult place” and as I took in the eyes of a man for whom the world seems an extremely dangerous place if there are non whites within view, I put my pack on while watching him make a beeline to the door. Then I shared what happened with the LargeBlackMan.

Anyone who has spent anytime here can figure out what the other profile consists of. How many weeks will the oppression that a couple dudes simply looking for breakfast unwittingly visited upon an older white guy story be told, the terror sweats and terror dreams, that will follow…We read about these assholes all the time. I gag about racing striped underoos way too often.

What did I do to oppress this poor bespectacled white man? “He’s not gonna bite.” Four words. Granted I might have used “…going to…” instead of gonna, so the grammatical crime is limited, but the real problem for him was that….I caught him and called out his being a racist without using the word. I did this while, well, being a Black person.

His departure from the premises was not expected, but he ran away, had to vacate the kitchen. It pains me that I took the smallest bit of solace, that inside I smiled a little…

 

R4CIZM HOW DUZ IT W3RK

So I bust out of the house in an attempt to make it to the scottish clown across the way, aka Mcdonalds, in time for breakfast, because lazy, and hungry, and like every other Black critter on the planet, looking for some race bating thing to get my racism on. It is really all we do…In a system set up to make lives more difficult and privilege obvious, it really is our only go to move.

Did I say that outloud, and does any of that make even the slightest amount of sense. Why, yes sir, it does, in the fever-brained, terrified imaginings, of wingnut wonder-lust. The same brains (of course) that bought into Cadillacs and T-bones.

I get through the door at 10:21, by the time I check the watch/phone…breakfast is over by 10:30 at this location…There is still the possibilty that the manager is not gonna respect the wishes of the people that actualy crossed the line in time…Have I forgotten to mention that this might be the worst Scottish Clown in all of the world. I mean atrociously horrible, execrable, should have been out of business 30 years ago bad…not shitting you…numerous management changes notwithstanding, still shitty, as shitty as it was over thirty years ago when I would occasionally visit the place during lunch hour when I was in High-school.

Did I mention shitty?

Anyhoo, back to my constant search for anything to offend, I manage to be that last person across the line for breakfast, and realize that the manager is going by the clock and not by the time people showed up, which is just one of those asshole moves made by middle management types because they constantly get shit on anyway.

Really, I don’t want to dog on the manager who hated the fuck out of the day, as I myself hate the fuck out of most days…I get it. Having been round the block in this neck of the woods, I know that the one thing I can imagine being the slightest shade of glorious after opening a MickyDee’s breakfast shift is the shift to lunch…This I get.

Call me old fashioned, but I also get the in the door before 5 o’clock bank rule. In the door before close, still served. Worked too many service jobs, always the case no matter how much you want to kill the sorry bastard that slipped between the door before you could get it locked…

I was the last sun-bitch to get breakfast or so I thought…The lady behind me, having made the dash as I had and therefore had made the cut by eight minutes was not so lucky.

She also happened to be Black.

When I made my way back (triumphant in my victory only after offering one of my sandwiches to the party in question, who demurely refused the offer) to the counter I witnessed that a customer two places behind was successfully ordering breakfast.

She was white.

She was making the same argument that this Uppity Assed Bastard would have been making. She had made it in before 10:30, had every legitimate reason to expect breakfast service. She was making exactly the same argument that would have justified breakfast service to the person behind me.

She was served what she was ordered.

I started to think about the many times I have not bothered to make the argument. How many times I have just taken the situation in stride, attempting to comport myself as a “credit to my race”, to look the other way as I missed out on one of the little joys a particular day might hold.

I have made the argument many times, I have also walked away without statement. This is how racism works on a daily basis, a million of ways. It is easier to look away, easier not to complain…Women get this as well.

I didn’t say a god damned thing. Yes, I offered one of my sandwitches, but did not raise a hue and cry about the bullshit that was transpiring in front of me. I had secured my breakfast. After nine minutes in line, I would have secured it on this day, as I would have argued, for me, for what I wanted. No way I was leaving the “Clown” without my biscuits.

The person behind me left disappointed, and fortunately did not witness the victorious acquisition of breakfast by a person two back in line. I did.

It pissed me off and now you get to read about it.

 

If I Drop Trou, You’ll See my Lie-hole

If I had any sense whatsoever I could have been a House Negro with a tidy little WingnutWelfareSinecure™. I would simply have to shitcan my soul and adopt a completely ridiculous view of the world and embrace self-loathing and a hatred of pretty much everything on the planet that was not directly responsible for my paycheck. I would also have to lie so much that my ass would be aflame with a regularity that would make a western wildfire green with envy.

That siren song sometimes calls, but then I am reminded that I am not so disposed, and while my ass has occasionally caught flame (pro-tip: Do not put a handfull of strike-anywhere matches in your back pocket, just don’t do that), I think the biggest problem for me would be the willful ignorance and the need to embrace pseudo scientific bullshit at every turn. I like science and am pre-disposed to like people that don’t look like me, though I do make exceptions for assholes. So off to NRO to see what the inside of a privileged but prevaricating white male colon looks like:

page_2014_mccarthy_andrewc_square

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s systematic evasion of federal recordkeeping requirements involved both the use of private email addresses and a server system installed in her Chappaqua manse. The servers, according to the Washington Free Beacon, may have been set up by shady longtime Clinton lackey Eric Hothem – under a false name (Eric Hoteham) slightly varied from his true name. It may also have been designed to give users the ability to erase emails without a trace.

A couple of things about the first sentence: One, it is a statement of fact once you remove the bit starting with “systematic” and ending with “the”, i.e the first part emphasized. The second, is the use of manse, which is designed to imbue the piece with gravitas and simultaneously signify that Hitlery is a Hypocrite because anyone with a “manse” should be a republican.

As far as the second and third sentence are concerned there is nary a fact in sight. He gets me with the “Washington Free Beacon” which is the first I have heard of what has to be a 7th rate piece of lie-funneling fishwrap and keeps me with the “may have’s.” This opening paragraph is a first rate example of shit attempting to pass itself off as shinola…

 

A Whiter Shade of Fail Part Deux.

‘Cause if yer trying sooooooooo haaaaard, you are probably doing it wrong…………….

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Yeah, gonna keep running with the pic above during the glorious fail highway that is the Conservative Political Action Commitee ThingamaJig-OogaBoogalooo they currently have transpiring.

A Drooling Cosplay DerpFest in search of a Derpulese to save them from,…Me, because, well, Negroid, and the rest of you, dear readers, who are in possession of IQ’s north of the Marxist Boiling Point of Water.

Being among those who accept the existence of Molecules, Earth as an Oblate Spheroid, accept water as a wet thing with interesting state change characteristics,and as such constitute the gravest danger to the body republic. Any of you that fit this particular bill, should keep an eye on the Pots Pol, who want to save the Country. Pro tip: Lose the Glasses at your earliest convenience. (Trots off to old blog to dig up Gettysburg…)

Fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all monies are created equal.

(Note to self, put Gettysburg in the sidebar)

I have not yet plumbed the depths of what amounts to a (drawing a blank on a word*thank god I don’t get paid)on the despicable primrose path President 3/5ths KenyanMarxistNiggerMan is leading us, so I must be leaving for a moment and forage for that sweet fruit that awaits.

Have a video, while I go a searching for Derp amongst the Mangroves…My first and only actual music Video, my appearances are of the blink and miss it variety, but I am the guy playing Bass…

Well that didn’t take long, though I fear that the Straw Poll means that this confabulation is over today but Mr Acorn of Libertardis (R-DerpTucky) the apparent winner of said StrawPollTaxTheNiggers™ was followed by the GoggleEyed (not really feeling it Charles Homuculous. Having not yet read the article, as that is one of the various fashions in which I Roll, and because I want this shit to be as fresh to you as it is to me we shall peek into the widening gyre that is the WashingtonTimes!!!

First WhiskyGolf gives me a twofer which I do not deserve as I was simply quoting Yeats, but hell I’ll take it. I havent read a word on the page but the picture accompanying the piece means that…..Sweet, Gimp, the Linux version of P-shop is in fact already open on another workspace…..BRB.
randpauleyes1

The title of the thing:
CPAC 2015 Straw Poll: Rand Paul wins again — but Scott Walker is surging

Can we get a fluffer in the room or a carton of Enzyte…Speaking of Enzyte, where did they and the smiling guy go…Those were BonerPill™ Commercials I could not bring myself to hate.

anyhooo
randpaulhair1
Hairpie? Or Hoodie?

Sen. Rand Paul won The Washington Times/CPAC presidential preference straw poll for the third time in a row while Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker surged to second place, as they trounced the rest of a strong but crowded field of potential candidates Saturday.

Of course we all know how this goes as the FatherCorn won the thing a bunch of times in the past, It is almost as if during the second or third week of lent, Republicans are trying to get laid, what with the surging hormones and LogCabinFever, and Spring right round the corner and all, and take this one chance to attempt to Cosplay Libertarian for a minute, and “I promise, I’ll put on a condom” to get into somethings pants…
randpaulslice1

Yeah, that. Did, I, it.

I swear to god I had not seen this before cracking about the Libertarian excuse to bed something:

The more than 3,000 activists who voted at this year’s Conservative Political Action Conference also showed commanding support for legalizing marijuana, with a strong plurality of 41 percent saying it should be legal for recreational use, and another 26 percent saying Americans should be able to at least use it for medicinal purposes with permission of a doctor.

Jeealzibub on a pogo stick….

Now given the ferocity with which your standard conservative value can turn on a dime, especially if a Negro anywhere is percieved to be having fun…..How did LBJ put it (also sidebar material) via Moyers:

We were in Tennessee. During a motorcade, the President spotted some ugly racial epithets scrawled on signs by a few plain, he called them homely, white women on the edge of the crowd. Late that night in the hotel, long past midnight, he was still going on about how poor whites and poor blacks had been kept apart so that they could separately be fleeced-. ”I’ll tell you what’s at the bottom of it,” he said. “If you can convince the lowest white man that he’s better than the best colored man, he won’t notice you’re picking his pocket. Hell, give him somebody to look down on, and he’ll even empty his pockets for you.”

Yeah, there is always that and unfortunately sea level rise will make Manhattan and Miami untenable, lomg before we are able to clean that particular skidmark from our National Underoos…

Anyway, McCarthy’s Doppleganger finished in third, those eyes….
Cruisingeyes

Are Cryin….

Cruisingeyes

Just came across the greatest question. Mommadillo in the comments at Roy’s asks:

I’m always amazed at the ability of conservatives to denounce all efforts against them as McCarthyism while simultaneously considering the real McCarthy a hero and public benefactor. How the fuck does that work?

How indeed?…

[Update] I really should read all of these articles sometime…..

Because If I had, I would have not discovered in my local fishwrap that TeamBlackness™, this time running as the Good Dr. Carson finished a scant .1 percentage point behind TailgunnerTed™ to slot into fourth place. Again proving that Conservatives love to get laid and take any opportunity that Does. Not. Matter. At. All. to pretend that they are not, in fact, a howling pack of Racists…

….

….

 

A Whiter Shade Of Fail™

Cpac is a hippening, a hoppining and a happining.

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The first time I saw this image (thanks Lime Rickey) my initial response was:

When you have to try that hard…….You are doing, whatever it is, wrong.

Talk about “A whiter shade of Fail™”…..

The guy on the right seems like a favorite of the photographers and seems very happy to oblige…The sweatband is simply precious, though I am not sure what winger gang sign is represented by the “feel my bicep” maneuver, but it does seem like his go to move.

cpac-conservative-political-action-conference-mark-peterson-republicans-2

And here he is just kickin’ it old school. I gotta say I am surprised he kept the business shoes rather than go for some flag ones, and the socks…I guess the message is a mullet like “Party up top, business downstairs”

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I seem to remember something from cub/boyscouts about treating the flag with proper respect:

The flag should not be used as “wearing apparel, bedding, or drapery”, or for covering a speaker’s desk, draping a platform, or for any decoration in general (exception for coffins). Bunting of blue, white and red stripes is available for these purposes. The blue stripe of the bunting should be on the top.[6]

Yeah that sounds about right.

popupatriot

It wouldn’t be a proper CPAC post without giving a shout out to the tri-corn contingent.

tricorny

Feel free to drop any ridiculous images of conservative bufoonery that you may encounter out in the wild.

 

CrazyassedPoltroonsAssembleClaptrap

paulcist

Those eyes, so seductive to a certain subset of young male freedumb loving libertarians, whose understanding of, well, anything is usually limited.

He has opened up his piehole again to call out members of the congressional Black Caucus for the Impurity of their anti war stance. I mean if you haven’t yet come across the story, I’m betting the averasge SadlyNaut™ could guess the reason Paul was nonplussed. I mean really the only shred of credibility the dude retains is his anti-war stance. Anyhoo:

“I was always annoyed with it in Congress because we had an anti-war unofficial group, a few libertarian Republicans and generally the Black Caucus and others did not — they are really against war because they want all of that money to go to food stamps for people here,” former Congressman Ron Paul (R-TX) told Lew Rockwell earlier this month.

Sorry son.
randpaul

But your old man is a racist shitheel, but then again the acorn did not fall far…

Ok it is the Opening day at CPAC and while I thought that the horribly unfunny day by day image was an invention of Muir’s I found this while running an CPAC image search on google (for the eyes)
cruzblacklisted

Now this Cruz cat is a dead ringer for TailgunnerJoe™McCarthey. If you ask me the whole “Blacklisted and Lovining it” is an indication that something else, once good and wholesome has died, has joined “Honor”,”Irony” and “Shame” to rot in a dumpster in an alley behind K-Street. I just can’t put my finger on what it is, though I suspect that Hyperbole, and Poe’s Law may soon become casualties…

[Update] Totes forgot about this example of RealMericanPatriots™

487095473

How fucking fearful and insecure do you have to be to put shit like that on, wear it with pride, or at least what passes for a straight face. I mean if you were trying to infiltrate my cell, I might be vary wary to have someone around trying that hard…

 
 
 
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