Sadly, No!

It might help your point to not be freshly emerging from a two-month binge when you deliver your belated moral panic on drugs.

Bobo Brooks, New York Fucking Times:
Weed: Been There. Done That.

Weed, man.

This might be the “fight” that best exemplifies the right. I mean, let’s be frank, there isn’t a generation left on the planet for whom pot hasn’t been a major social institution, so common in usage to be wholly unremarkable. And yet, despite the fact that pretty much everyone, young and old at least knows someone who blazes up, the conservatives still react like shrieking death monkeys to every slow incremental change to reflect that reality.

And the amazing thing is that for nearly all of them, they have personal knowledge of how inane this “battle” is and how obscene it is that a drug less harmful on a personal or social level than tobacco or alcohol is only just now starting to become legal for wide use on a state by state basis. Many of the fuckers screaming their head off about the evils of legalizing pot or how obscene it is that Obama or Clinton have lit up have lit up themselves or done harder drugs.

But they keep up the “battle” out of loyalty to a legacy. To the fact that conservatives of the past cared about the issue and railed against it, so by the transitive power of dumb, so must they carry the torch to the giant flame of failure.

And those old bigots of days yore only cared about the damn sweet leaf to begin with because as a drug it was more associated with queers, blacks, beatniks, hippies, and assorted young people. That was the only reason why they hated it and fought so hard for such strict criminalization.

So yeah, we’ve got idjits holding their hands athwart history yelling stop because they have inherited a legacy hatred that only got started because “liberals liked it”.

If there is anything that better exemplifies modern conservatism, then I’ve yet to see it.

And if there’s anything that better exemplifies the fact that weed really shouldn’t be facing the barriers to legalization it does, it might be irony-soaking works like this one from anti-meritocracy proof incarnate Bobo Brooks.

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

• Oh man, I remember when I used to smoke weed. God, that stuff’s so ubiquitous even a perpetual stuffed shirt like me lit up back in the day… oh wait, I’m supposed to be against it, because conservatism, right? Uh, weed is totes bad so we should like make it illegal, because morality and shit. I dunno, hey man, it’s puff, puff, pass, not hog the whole damn roach!

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Public property, more like pubic property, amirite? #yesiam10yearsold

Tim Graham, News Bluster:
Katie Couric Upsets the “Trans Women” By Asking Those Uncomfortable Questions

Uggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Fine. Fuck it.

Penis.

Dick. Trouser Titan. AC/DC’s Big Balls. Wang. One Eyed Snake Monster. Cock.

Bring up the subject of transwomen to most people on the planet and you can struggle to count the nanoseconds before people start wanting to wax poetic on ding-dongs and schlongs. Which isn’t to say that transmen get it any easier. Most general public discussion of transmen inevitably devolves to an endless round of snatch talk and muff elocution.

All. The. Fucking. Time. And one starts to wonder after awhile if there’s something desperately wrong with cisgendered people to cause them to become more obsessed with the exact state of trans people’s genitals than a family dog with their own butthole.

Overall, it is the thing that people think of when they think trans people and unfortunately like most “one things” that privileged people know about a minority community, it tends to become the sole vector of discourse and interaction. I’ve had random dudes on the street inquire about the state of my genitals simply that’s the only commonly understood point of understanding for too many people.

And it comes with a number of downsides. Obsession about my genitals and the state of them was used as an excuse for my dad to dismiss and look down upon my existence. And I guaran-fucking-tee that the association of trans* people with genitals and then the following attempt to associate that with me being a teacher was a driving force of the justification for discriminating me out of a decent job I loved.

And that being the only thing people associate with trans* people is what leads clueless, but well-meaning, people like Katie Couric to think that it’s required for a trans* person to talk about their junk on national TV on a daytime meaningless talk show.*

Which is why it was something remarkable and downright badass to have human awesome machine, Laverne Cox, actually get right down to the reality of what being trans* in America means instead of playing into the same old dance of letting the trans* experience begin and end with one damn procedure that a good number of trans* people do not even get.

Needless to say, conservatives lost their damn fool minds over this.

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

• So-called trannies want to pretend that they are more than their genitals. But we must scrutinize every inch of their wing-wongs or vayjayjays in order to best know how to criticize them as the sex-obsessed freaks they are.

  Please join me next week for my weekly article on how liberals are sex-obsessed crude assholes.

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~They’re creepy and they’re kooky,
Mysterious and spooky,
They’re all together ooky,
The Homophobe Family.~

Dr. Keith Ablowjob, The Centralized Fembot Factory:
Marriage died in 2013

Dearly beloved, we are gathered today to mark the passing of a noble individual. Harold T. Marriage had a long life, long predating the religions that have sought to unilaterally own him. And he had a troubled life as a long-standing and rigid institution. Impossible to change, he rapidly spent life flitting between different incarnations, whether the hallowed institution of one man and an ever-sprawling harem of women and captured slaves forced into life-long rape or more recently, as a bill of sale from father to husband. He has served as soulless and loveless political unions of pointless royalty and as a means of acquiring houseslaves one could legally rape. Yes, he had a good life.

But sadly, all great lives must come to a close and after many years battling deep illness caused by his transformation into the creation of legal family for reasons of love, he finally succumbed and became no more in the dimming lights of 2013.

All those he has touched, the legally bound couples he has spent so many years tying together in warm loving connection must now become unholy fuckbuddies only able to refer to the people who light up their lives as “that guy/girl who lives in my house”. So it is written in our free copies of the Republican Bible, amen!

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

• If we can’t have marriage (exclusively), then no one can have it! Burn it down as we retreat to future victories!

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Apparently this is what we all look like to conservatives.

Susan D. Harris, American BWAHAHA:
Comedy as a Weapon of the Left

Did I survive that holiday season? Holy fuck, how?

So yeah, turns out that one’s first holiday season after being disowned sucks such great donkey balls that it served as Christ’s first bestiality porn show.

It’s a fitting end to 2013, a year which has served as probably the worst year of my entire life, I suppose. Which is a shame, because overall, I rather like the number 13.

But it’s no matter, for today is the beginning of a new year, one that I can’t really be too pessimistic about, because I swung by our good friends at American Thinker and, you know what, I found out that apparently, I’m some kind of badass ninja assassin or something.

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

• Comedy is a deadly weapon because McCarthy is a joke.

Oh hell the fuck yes.
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Happy Fucking Tabula Rasa day, Fuckers of future and or already Mothers.

A tip of the cap to all of the FatherFuckers™ out there; for without you we would have nothing: My atoms would have remained floating incoherently in the vacuum that lies betwixt the
galaxies (which upon further reflection may have been put to better use, the atoms, that is.)

In any event, let me extend the warmest greetings to humanity as a whole, to the cadgers that spend most of their time (fellow traveler) worrying about the state of things and wishing for better, and even to the dropouts and ne’er do wells of the Dunning-Kruger Academy.

Hugs and kisses to all of you,
,,,

Is it just me or are the made-up right-wing scandals literally getting dumber by the second. What’s next, guys? How Obama’s sock color choice proves he hates America? Whether or not Obamacare whitens your teeth enough to protect America from darkies?

Charles C.W. Cooke Esq., National Id:
Pajama Boy: The Obama Machine’s Id

Conservatives have a weird relationship with marketing.

I mean, the whole image before substance deal that once were critiques of the shallowness of campaigns like Reagan’s or Bush’s have become major badges of pride. Which is one thing, but like a malignant tumor, it has grown from there into a full-out religion of marketing as something akin to a God or powerful magic spirit.

Marketing one’s “brand”, winning the “image war” has become conservatism’s one obsession and at every level there is a firm belief that throwing enough money at marketing or yelling really loudly to win the “day” should be able to rewrite reality, bend people to their wills, and erase all history.

We saw it with the “we create our own history” delusion during the Bush years, in the stunted confusion of Karl Rove when it turned out all the advertising in the world didn’t magically make Mitt Romney likeable, in every right-wing pundit trying to argue that fictional works prove that everyone is as bigoted and small-minded as they are, in the bizarre defensiveness about the Duck Dynasty star not getting his Constitutional Right to be on TV, and of course, most disturbingly, in the frantic and rabid responses to the existence of advertising from “the other side”.

Whether its a frothing reaction to some company not being bigoted bastards for once and using something other than young white straight people or something like Malkin’s sputtering rant about previous Obama advertising, they seem physically pained to see something dared presented in their last little bastion of lily white male dominance that can in the slightest way challenge them and see everyone’s job to be to protect this “real world” from the predatory tendrils of the actually real world.

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

• Obama released a twitpic on his twitter feed! Clearly we have defeated the dark beast, for he is slain and routed and must clear the White House to make way for Sarah Palin, because as long as we rant super angrily and displace all our fucked up issues on a goddamned meaningless piece of fluff public announcement, then we can finally have that big win that will turn the last 5 years into just a painful haunting dream.

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No, I don’t think I’ll ever let go your textbook example of literal gynophobia anytime soon. At least, not as long as you still keep trying to sell gender norms for women that went out of style about four hundred years ago.

Ross Douchehat, The New York Times is a Worthwhile Newspaper and Other Jokes:
The Daughter Theory

Holy fucking shit, first Bobo and now Douchehat with awkward apologia for think tank bullshit.

Did Krugthulu stomp around the NY Times office delivering smackdowns with a Cluebot 9000 or something? Because all the usual fuckwits seem to be licking their wounds about the fact that they are lifelong wingnut welfare hacks who wouldn’t know real science if it bit them on the taint.

And huzzah to that brave soul, whoever it was, that has them smarting so visibly as it’s at least got the cradle-to-grave shills to at least acknowledge the vile mess they’ve been leaving on the carpet and at least make some sort of half-hearted response.

And while, neither blow was wholly successful, they both seem to have left their share of psychic damage, reducing Bobo to a bizarre Two Face re-enactment as he tried to dodge self-awareness.

As for our favorite “Chunky Reese Witherspoon-fearing” gynophobe, his response is well…

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

• Are we complete hacks who cling to our think tank pseudoscience as if it was a life raft? Well, you love it when your so-called “real” science proves your point, so clearly this think tank piece I’m being asked to pimp arguing that everyone are stereotypical TV dads is super science and will make everyone a conservative and prevent us from ever having to drop our war on women so there!

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I only ask because I don’t care.

Bobo Brooks, The New York Times is a Meritocracy:
The Thought Leader

I sometimes have this little fantasy.

In this fantasy, I could have a choice between any magical superpower. I could fly or communicate with fish or lift a planet over my head. And in this fantasy, I don’t choose any of them. Instead, I choose the ability to punch through self-delusion and make people see themselves as they really are.

Like many powers, it has its nice uses (aiding those struggling with the confusion of who they are and making it harder to build destructive closets), but they’d be a side-venue to the real satisfying work of making self-delusional bigots have to face themselves as they really are and as their actions have made them.

No delusions of meritocracy, no pretenses at fair-minded ideals, no complex fantasies in order to justify petty bullying. Just a person having to accept themselves and their actions or be destroyed by the weight of it all. It’d be the end of all the rich white people trying to claim they are being oppressed by poor brown people existing. It’d be the end of fucks like my dad trying to argue that not being bigoted in one venue means they should get a free pass to recycle that bigotry against another group*. Hell, it might even end the Republican Party as we know it.

But there is no such power and the fantasy is just that, a comforting thought experiment to ease the stress of living under the bootheel of crazy people.

But if such a power did exist, I think someone might have used a beta version against poor little Bobo.

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

• God I suck… I mean, God does an imaginary liberal version of me suck… who totally exists, you guys. Sniff, stop staring at me.

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Don’t let the liberals take our precious freedoms!

Patrick Howley, Tucker Carlson’s Vanity Press:
Liberals want to stop men from checking out women

Like many women, I have tits.

Now having tits that I am proud of is something of a newer development, so I have only recently become aware of the Secret Powers that having a pair of knockers grants one. With one little wiggle, I apparently have the power to summon forth eldritch powers beyond space and time to ensorcell the minds of feeble-minded male-identified Libertarian douchebros and bend their otherwise totally manly and indepednent superpowers to my dark and evil will.

Which is why so many not at all insecure and emotionally stunted entitled fuckwits straight up need to claim public ownership of these dirty pillow and their associated Weapons of Mass Eroticism, lest I and other filthy females lay low their rock hard rigid ranks.

And all I can do is weep and beat my tender fun bags in lamentation and excoriation at what violence my bewitching breasts have wrought upon those once noble purveyors of all that is right and super-ultra-mega logical (because unlike me they have superior manbrains, the only thing capable of processing true objectivity).

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

• If we can’t street harass and sexually harass women who are so entitled they think they can walk on our streets without being constantly reminded of their duties to us as public sex objects, then we will all be condemned to a dystopian Matriarchal future where all our freedoms have been stolen and men are forced to serve as slaves to our Gynocratic Overlords!

  Also, the fact that this is the most “oppressive” thing we can think of to whine about should totally be taken as proof that white wealthy cis-heterosexual men are the most oppressed people in the world instead of proof that we’re a pack of whiny assholes who can’t handle people other than us being anything other than property for us to buy and sell.

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“It is better to lead from behind and to put others in front, especially when you celebrate victory when nice things occur. You take the front line when there is danger. Then people will appreciate your leadership.”

On December 5, 2013, Nelson Mandela passed away.

It’s a little awkward to try and synthesize what he meant to black South Africans, South Africa, Africa as a continent, and the world.

And it almost seems disrespectful to talk about how he impacted me, because I’m just a white bitch living in the United States. When I was finally old enough to pay attention to and understand current world history, Mandela was already larger than life, having succeeded in staring down the tyrants and getting the world to accept him and his country. I wasn’t there to worry that he would end up another Steve Biko. I wasn’t there when it looked like Apartheid would never end nor was I there when it looked like no one would care. And I definitely wasn’t there on the ground, suffering that oppression, wondering if I would live another day, much less those I respected as activists and leaders.

And on top of that, I only had access to his story in barest fragments. Despite the name, my “world” history classes’ coverage of Africa began and ended with Ancient Egypt. So I had to go outside to hear his story and to respect him. How he survived a brutal prison environment that had claimed so many of his compatriots. How he fought for what was right even when it cost him and even when all the Western world was happy to treat South African blacks as an unruly bits of property that needed to learn their place. And afterward, how he made those same fuckers actually respect him and South Africa as a nation to be treated as an equal and how he has been instrumental as a spokesperson for his entire continent, slowly helping to move it into its own away from its colonialist shadow.

It’s small and it’s narcissistic, but yeah, I respect the shit out of him. Every time I find my courage fail in activism, I remember his courage to stay true. And even when he compromised, he knew what was right and spoke in favor of it. A strong ally on feminism, LGBT issues, class consciousness, and anti-xenophobia, he fought hard to get protections for other marginalized groups enshrined in law even when it was already a struggle to get rights and protections for himself and those like him. He may have been inspired by Gandhi, but I don’t think I’m the only one who has been inspired to always try and do what is right by him.

And my most poignant memory of his isn’t even an iconic one for most and isn’t even all that remembered, but is the passionate way he supported Caster Semanya, the South African sprinter who was harassed by Olympic officials for being intersex, and spoke clearly about the exact forms of bigotry and bullshit that were going on.

Even when it wasn’t his fight. Even when his hardest battles were complete. Even when it was just a person in his nation when he was already old and frail and could have easily ignored it. He took the time to stand up for them. That is my memory of the man.

He was, simply, in many ways, better than we’ll ever be and the world is much poorer for his leaving.

Hamba Kahle Madiba!

So yeah, on that note, let’s talk about the right wing’s reaction to the death of this great man.
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