Sadly, No!

Okay, maybe he could also manage being a sandwich artisan.

Meritocracy Spokesman, Jonah Goldberg, National Catnap:
What ‘War on Women’?

Jonah Goldberg legitimately fascinates me.

And I think a large part of it has to do with the unique role he serves in the right-wing writing-whorepit. He’s deliberately lazy and incurious, so much so that he can’t quite commit to the hand-wringing faux-intellectualism of a Christina Hoff Summers or a Ross “I fear women” Douthat, though he certainly does try (for about 3.5 seconds from time to time). Nonetheless, he doesn’t quite have the full lobotomy that leads one to earnestly believe that Obama is a muslim lizardman from Alpha Centauri here to steal our white women though again, he’s willing to pander to that misshapen mass as demonstrated by his successful mass-production of the “nuh uh, you” school of argument.

Additionally, he’s a protected mama’s boy and fancies himself a gen-yoo-ine scholar who thinks really deep thoughts and occasionally like whole dozens of words on his own and like opens a book or two and really wants to be accepted as the super-smart academifyness that he thinks that makes him.

And this all adds up to some legitimately fascinating and unique moments. I mean, at the end of the day, it all adds up to Liberal Fascism and begging people to do his job for him, but between those hallmarks of Jonah, there’s little moments of treasonous thoughts. Little bits where he unwittingly sails dangerously close to actual knowledge or actual acknowledgment of reality and almost falls off the reservation before trusting that his classic laziness will make the bad hurting feeling that causes in his head to go away.

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

• Man, if reality and the feminazis are right, then this rape culture is fucking insane and brutal and I’d be an asshole for supporting it and shitting on the only people trying to fix it… thus, it must all be make-believe because I as the All-Holy Penis-Bearer know the lives of women far better than any she-creature.

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Cognitive dissonance, much like metalwork, is an impressive thing to see in action.

Ian Tuttle the Coffee Boy, National Retread:
No More Rotherhams!

One could easily make the argument that right-wingers easily get wrapped up and lost in their own propaganda campaigns and grand story telling. And by make the argument, I mean pointing at pretty much any right-wing obsession and going duh, because it’s pretty much the required standard. By this point, if the call has come down from on high to obsess and repeat, it’s pretty much guaranteed to be 100% bullshit designed to try and kickstart a non-event into something the bobble-head news anchors can latch onto in order to continue to ignore the ever-continuing Depression or the explosion of the police state and various crimes against women and minorities.

But while those Benghazis and Obamacare Death Panels are “fun” to deal with time and time again, I think the most interesting aspect of the propaganda campaign are the moments when the right-wing noise machine accidentally stumbles on something that is partially noteworthy and then proceeds to drown out its potential lessons in the mad dash to absorb these events into grand conservative narratives.

One more tragic example of this is the explosion around ISIL, where the raw noise of outrage about a terrorist group in the country we utterly destroyed with our dumbassery trying to drag us back into their conflicts because we were the single best recruitment vehicle they could have ever hoped for going around killing journalists (because apparently it’s only bad when dirty bad foreigners kill journalists in Iraq*) is actually dragging us back into that misguided clusterfuck of a war**.

But a more fascinating example (at least in my opinion) is the attempt to hijack yet another tragic story about the failures to address child molestation and violence in the UK in order to feed the “Islamic Menace is going to conquer Europe and faggy liberals will let it happen” skreepocalypse while also pretending that child molestation and violence is somehow uniquely an issue with the “mongrel races” as these neo-nazis would put it.

And that disconnect between reality and what conservatives so desperately want it to be sometimes leads to utterly amazing things:

Shorter:

• Interviewer: So tell us about how the evil muslims molested girls like you and how the nasty evil government covered it up with their liberalness.
  Interviewee: Um, here’s the reality of child molestation and how global and common an issue it is and-
  Interviewer: Yeah, yeah, but what about-
  Interviewee: [Reality]
  Interviewer: B-but [Propanda]

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The sad thing is I could probably do a variant cover for every Fox News bobblehead and still not have enough for all the cookie-cutter blonde cylons that are chunked out of the lab.

Katherine Timpf, National We Will Literally Hire Anyone Who Has Made a Failed Wingnut Product in the Last 20 years:
Feminists Blame Patriarchy for Not being Able to Skateboard

Wingnut language is weird.

I mean, I’ve already commented ad nauseating on the weird way right-wing rants have begun to form almost an entirely separate language made up of only dog whistles and desperate pleading requests for continuing tribal protections. And such habits have only gotten worse in the era of Teabagger purges and the predictable cost of training an entire political movement in nothing but paranoia and conspiracy theories.

But I don’t think I’ve fully driven into the ground the equally laughable quirk of wingnut language of reacting to every usage of common words that the right-wing has decided are scary with the sort of mind-numbing terror one’d expect from a skimpily-clothed teenager who’s just had her boyfriend murdered in the car next to her.

We’ve seen it flare up here and there over the years. Rapture-fetishists freaking out over the notion of peace and loving one another because they’ve decided that’s the secret code for the antichrist. Wingnuts freaking out over the notion of empathy because they didn’t like a brown woman nominated by a black man talking about it. Every single bitter old rant about some aspect of youth culture that stick-in-the-mud squares want to pretend are single-handedly destroying the great nation that totally existed in the television shows of their youths.
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The first thing that pops in my head when I hear one of these rants… which is ironic, because today’s 18-year-olds don’t really remember that episode and more remember the memes based on it.

Josh Gelernter, National GET OFFA MAH LAWN!!!:
Raise the Voting Age

At this point, do I even need to point out that conservatives despise actual democracy in the same way they despise an actual free market? I mean, whether it be all the attempts to quite literally reinstate the old voter disenfranchisement tactics against black and poor voters. Or the way that schools often have the least voting machine support for a populace their size. Or the attempts to argue that allowing homeless people to vote is somehow voter theft. Or the ways in which they’ve made it ever easier to outright buy elections. Or the gerrymandering, outright election theft, calls for the elimination of votes to women and minorities for “voting wrong”, and the outright masturbatory glaze they get for the days of feudalism.

And that’s before musing back in history and realizing that at every point, authoritarian right-wingers have been at the front of the push for rollbacks of rights and shrinking of the populace with power, while progressives have always been pushing against them for the greatest amount of equality and equal voice.

And it makes sense why. For a movement that is entirely about the fictional universality of a small clump of suburban white douchebags, the notion of even electoral equality with the filthy queer and brown masses must be like nails on a chalkboard. HWAT, my glorious vote is only as worth as much as some filthy tranny whore rotting in the street? THIS SHALL NOT DO!

Add in the fact that they are losing to all of that and may have to evolve and change to stay relevant and you have the recipe for an epic hissy fit of pissed off tomcats in an ever-shrinking box of their irrelevancy.
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Wingnut Jesus upon his Celestial Throne.

Patricia L. …okay, now you bastards aren’t even trying. I mean, honestly, Dickson, that just leaves nothing for us poor snark merchants to work with and for another th-, American- I mean, really, really, it’s just, ugh, roll the link, I can’t even:
The Christian Message vs Social Justice

If there’s been one interesting versus mind-numbingly infuriating thing about this whole entitled gamer harassment campaign, it’s got to be how all the rants about Social Justice Warrriors (come out to pla-ayay!!!) have driven home an often unremarked facet of horrible people.

And that’s how often it is that all these varied batches of scum turn out to be the same batches of scum or at least are all wrapped in the same conspiracy theories and devoted to the same stupid lingo and terrible ideas.

And it shouldn’t really be that surprising in retrospect. If you’re the type of scared anxious douchebag who thinks that a single indie game about things of interest to women will single-handedly kill all games ever and cut off 90% of all men’s balls, then you’re probably also prey to the equally nutso conspiracy theories about how hordes of black men are waiting to rape your white woman and are only held at bay by the rocket launcher you leave poorly secured in the room next to the baby.

But nonetheless, it is still nice when the fuckers really spell out the connections. I mean, every time that it turns out that the dedicated homophobe group bought their mailing list from the Klan or some anti-choice group starts trying to air out eugenic arguments about “inner cities” or some prominent right-wing hack lets slip some MRA lingo, it makes one realize that often these seemingly infinite varieties of violent hateful thugs are really the same band of bitter fucks ranting about how they are not the kings of the cosmos that popular media of their childhood promised them they’d be.
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This post is 15,000 words long, which I’m pretty sure is a record for the site. For those of you who are fans of my longer work, consider this a partial apology for being whisked away for so long. For those of you that prefer the shorter stuff… apparently I hate you and wish you pain. I’m sorry, but the voices make me make you suffer so.

Milo Yiannopoulos, The Andrew Breitbart is Still Dead Necropolis:
Feminist Bullies are Tearing the Video Game Industry Apart*

Nnnnnnggghhhrackifrackinggraaaaaahhhhh!

You, see, with luck, you’re sitting there completely ignorant of the amount of stupid I’m going to have to explain today with this… everything and thus you are safe and secure, shrouded in blissful ignorance of just how entitled, disconnected from reality, and just utterly dumb today’s subject is and the “movement” he comes from.

Cause make no mistake, what we’re having to cover today, the depths of research I had to pull just to understand the full scope of batshit conspiracy theory level bullshit that underlies the event this fuck is talking about and more importantly, the fact that I’ve already learned of most of it, just because of the interests I have and the circles I run in… It’s just so… DUUUUUUUMMMMMBBBBB. Mind-numbingly so.

Cause see, today’s bullshit is regarding harassment of women in gaming.

And we’re diving straight into the horse’s anus to see what poisoned oats have been sampled to allow a bunch of whining pathetic man-children seem like the victims of the horrific unbelievable oppression that is DUN DUN DUNNNNNN women fucking existing in the treehouse they thought they had properly sterilized as their he-man woman-hater’s club and it’s time to pitch an epic level hissy fit. That’s right:

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

• AAAIIIEEEE our targets for online harassment actually recognizing it for what it is and not being super happy about being driven out of their homes and having their friends and family stalked, harassed, driven out of their jobs, and put in fear for their lives because a bunch of sad losers think that endless terrorism will somehow make all the women disappear forever and allow pathetic men to pretend sitting on a couch and playing Call of Duty makes one a super manly man whose manparts are extra manly and irresistible to fake anime girls IS THE REAL OPPRESSION FROM VILE HARASSING VILLAINS WHO WANT TO DRIVE PEOPLE OUT OF GAMING! It is! You can’t take away our toys by… enjoying and creating more of them, while being women and/or queer! You can’t! Also, this suicidal attempt at driving out the majority of people who’d be interested in gaming won’t at all backfire by creating a situation where companies are less and less likely to churn out giant artistic megaprojects for the douchebro gamers given that their audience is a dwindling audience of manchildren who think not getting exactly their way is something that should be reacted to with death threats and endless harassment.

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There is this to be optimistic about. The fact that after years of being unable to get the general populace to give a damn about the shockingly high number of unarmed black men executed by violent psychopath cops, we’re finally having a national conversation about it and the media is having to report on the issue… And it only took having a police department go complete stereotypical movie villain and arresting so many journalists that the American news media was shamed into pretending it cared. Go progress?

…

So it turns out that detangling 8 and a half years worth of comingled stuff, packing up half of it, rearranging the other half into a livable area, and acquiring a new housemate takes up a little more time than I had anticipated. No worries. Luckily nothing major occurred during the impromptu summer vacation! [step over the corpse of Michael Brown]

Nope, nothing at all.

So, yeah… Ferguson.

I don’t even know where to begin with this one. I mean, we have the everpresent slaughter of unarmed black men and boys by Klansmen-wannabe cops who mistake house keys for sixteen grenades and a rocket launcher. We have people actually protesting and protesting hard something that for a long time the black community was expected to shrug off (oh, did they kill off another one of our kids, yeah, that happens).

There’s the cops. Oh wow, is there the cops. I mean, threads like this one or the Ferguson twitter hashtag tried to record the sheer scope of the abuses committed by the totally not racist, homocidal, and corrupt cops of St Louis. I mean, for fuck’s sake, the cops managed to somehow combine all the worst traits of ever sci-fi villain mook army, deranged dictatorships, torture camps, and Segregation Revivalists into some sort of epic ball of pure unadulterated fuckwittery. I mean, first there’s the shooting itself and the way it was left for the people like it was the message to the community from the first season of the Wire*. Add to that the random rule that people needed to keep marching always for it to count as a rally. The theft of medical supplies from churches helping the protesters. The general attacks on the protesters. The arrest of countless foreign journalists. The beatings of unarmed women and children. The constant use of tear gas as a means to terrorize rather than for any legitimate aim. Overall, the whole thing has reminded me most of the media’s response to the Occupy rallies in its sheer level of baldfaced corruption with the knowledge that the proles will be powerless to change anything.
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I haven’t found anything profound to add in the wake of the Michael Brown shooting in HendersonFerguson, Mo. Same shit different day. The life of a black person in this country is of little value while alive but can be a windfall for the person ending that life.

Darren Wilson, like George Zimmerman before him has been the beneficiary of 234,000 dollars donated on his behalf by supporters who are totally not in possession of any racial animus.

A sampling of some of the comments attached to donations:

“Ofc. Wilson did his duty. Michael Brown was just a common street thug.”

“Waste of good ammo. It’s my privilege to buy you a replacement box.”

“Black people can be their own enemy and I am not white…He was shot 6 times cause the giant wouldn’t stop or die. Evil people don’t die quick”

“All self-respecting whites have a moral responsibility to support our growing number of martyrs to the failed experiment called diversity.”

“I am so sick of the blacks using every excuse in the book to loot and riot.”

“I support officer Wilson and he did a great job removing an unnecessary thing from the public!”

The following screenshot was compiled by Jon Hendren

Click the above to embiggen. God Bless their hearts.
…

I have no idea how some could have an idea that the system is rigged and one’s own effort will not matter for whether one will succeed in a world where Bobo Brooks makes more than nearly every school teacher and nearly every starving artist or writer.

Bobo Brooks*, The NY Cum Stain on the Mattress:
The Character Factory

Oh Bobo. Laughable. Pathetic. Ultimate poster child for the underperforming, incompetent, and lazy child of privilege who lives in daily fear of the day actual meritocracy breaks loose and he has to actually work for his daily bread instead of waxing on about the Applebee’s fictional salad bars and gynocratic teacher overlords to assuage the consciences of fellow rich assholes who want to feel like their carefree piss parties splashing onto the poor are welcomed as liquid gold falling from the sky.

A sad caricature who wants to be seen as a modern Plato while possessing the intellect and reasoning ability of a particularly unthreatening puppy. A modern tragedy of the myths rich assholes tell to themselves, of how more meaningful one is when shepherded and protected by wingnut welfare producing comforting lies to afflicted the afflicted and comfort the comfortable, yet lacking anything of merit to show for it other than a forgettable stamp on the carousel of courtiers and jesters.

And Bob damn is he an irredeemable fuck.

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

• Really? REALLY? I mean, for fuck’s sake, man, it’s a Bobo Brooks column titled “The Character Factory”. What the fuck do you think it’s about… No, it’s not about a literal factory that creates cartoons, that’s just… It’s about young, poor people being lazy and morally corrupt bastards for not magicking jobs out of the goddamn aether. Like pretty much every other Bobo post since his paymasters shitcanned this economy.

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No wait, bad analogy, in Two-Face’s character, one of the choices is actually good.

Ross Douchehat, The Motherfucking Scumsucking Bottomfeeding New York Times:
Obama’s Impeachment Game

Man, fuck the borked site, some things need to be waded after as if they were piranha-proof bikini bottoms. And in this particular carcass of our once proud vessel, it is the simple fact that the Republicans have completely lost the goddamn plot.

I know, hardly news, but the Republicans have managed to outdo themselves in their fervor to repeat Brazil’s performance against Germany in incompetence by flipping out over the fact that it’s been 5 and a half years and the blackity black man is still in high office and no one seems to be scared of them even though they’ve done their damnedest to legalize murder of the untermenschen in their little fiefdoms. As such, they’ve soiled their little nappies over calls for impeachment, figuring it worked well enough delegitimizing the last Democratic president, but apparently forgetting that one is supposed to have like, a cause, before banging the table about how being black and in power is against the law.

As such, the Republican House has managed to bring shame to that benighted and plagued palace of ineptitude and intentional ignorance by raising the call and saying that they will get that darn wasscally pwesident if it’s the last thing they do, you know, as soon as they find some lame excuse to semi-justify it. The current course led by John Semi-Erect Penis is to mumble something about how Obama isn’t doing enough to enforce the Health Care Law that Republicans have been blocking the enforcement on, because apparently conservatives never graduated from the school of playground arguments and think “stop hitting yourself” is legally binding.

Granted, it’s not like they’ve bothered to even pretend they care about the rule of law these days what with the Supreme Court giving a big middle finger to the Establishment Clause and well… pretty much every Republican action since Nixon first started his band of thieving scoundrels, but it’s one of those things that is so blatant that even Joe Nosepicker is forced to cock their head in genuine query.

Which has led to a fascinating round of kabuki as our Bought-and-Sold Media once again flash the dollar-signs printed on their solid diamond go-go shorts to try and deflect the damage of this hilarious own-goal and argue that Democrats are the real embarrassment for daring to notice and comment on this tragedy of errors. Because Democrats being alive is apparently too much to keep pretending that it’s at all an even choice between the Shit Party and the Cabal of Cannibals who Plan to Eat us in Our Sleep.

And for those “Intelligent” conservatives and “moderates” employed by likes of the motherfucking New York Times, the cover up is more hilarious than the fail itself. Roll our first clip.

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

• What this broken window I’m standing next to with a baseball bat? Um, I didn’t do it. It was the black guy who lives here. Yeah, he caused this broken window, which doesn’t even exist. And we should be very ashamed that he’s taking valuable time from fixing this not at all broken window to ask questions like “who broke this window” and “what the fuck are you racist fucks doing?” Very, very ashamed. Bad Obama. We should impeac- I mean, ha ha what broken window?

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