Jon Swift = still totally awesome

God, I love this dude:

McCain: Make Sure You Have the Right Change


Like many senior citizens, McCain knows what he is talking about. A lot of young whippersnappers who grew up with calculators and studied New Math in school can barely count, and if you don’t make sure you have the right change before you walk away from the cash register, they will accuse you of trying to cheat, so you have to count it right in front of them. And I don’t think it is racist to point out that a lot of the hired help in stores these days are minorities, who have not gone to the best schools. McCain would be the kind of President who would count America’s change and not be afraid to point out when we have been shortchanged, even if he has to ask the cashier to call the manager and make a scene.

It seems like all we have heard about in this election is how America wants change, but as John McCain pointed out in his speech, speaking very slowly and patiently and enunciating all of his words to make sure we all understood what he was saying, not all change is good. In fact, generally Americans don’t like too much change. We like to go out once a week for the Early Bird Special and order the exact same thing every time. It’s very economical and gives us a break in our routine. We would be very upset if it was discontinued and we had to order off the regular menu, which would still be more expensive even with coupons we clipped out of the newspaper. That kind of change would not be welcome at all.

I hope, for the simple sake of justice in this world, that Mr. Swift is being paid to write something by somebody. Because frankly, satirical writing that is this detailed, precise and incisive is very hard to come by.


Comments: 34


there ain’t ho hyperlink there


Fixed. Thanks for pointing that out.


McCain wants to make sure he gets his full five bees for that quarter.



Change we can live with.


Glad Jon Swift is back. That site was billmonned for months.


Ah, wonderful way to start the day.


McCain: Change You Can Feel Moderately Comfortable With!!


I used to go to the shop and buy bread but now I buy bread and donuts? Is that it?
No wonder Obama is going to win win win come November.


McCain: Change for a Dollar


Wasn’t John McCain himself among one of those slick-talking salesmen types in the Keating 5 which absconded with the entire Savings & Loan portion of the U.S. banking system, earning slaps on the hand and costing the taxpayers from the Reagan-pushed proposal about $400 BILLION in 1990 dollars?


John McCain is not afraid of technology. Sometimes, when he’s feeling saucy, he’ll use the red half of the typewriter ribbon.

not even an mba

Given his record you can count on McCain changing his positions, er – sorry to all the folks who didn’t want to hear McCain and positions in the same sentence.


I wonder if Jon Swift isn’t a teacher. The timing would be about right.

not even an mba

BiPM at the Great Orange Satan also has a friendly critique of the speech. Here’s an excerpt:

There’s nothing better to whip a crowd into a froth with than laundry lists!! You’ll want at least five in your speech. Be sure they’re lists of things that the Republican party has screwed up over the last eight years. Like this: “Health care, energy, the environment, the tax code, our public schools, our transportation system, disaster relief, government spending and regulation, diplomacy, military and intelligence services.”

Here’s another: “Job loss, failing schools, prohibitively expensive health care, pensions at risk, ‘entitlement programs’ approaching bankruptcy, rising gas and food prices, to name a few.” The last four words are important to say, because you don’t want to give away the entire list of failures so early in the campaign. Pace yourself and keep them guessing.


Thanks for the information.


“McAncient: Correct Change We Can Count On.” Or, “Upon Which We Can Count,” whatever. He finished last in his class at the Academy, so it’s not like grammar is his strong suit.

not even an mba

There you lie-berals go again. John Sidney McCain the Third finished 894/899, hardly last.


How do you parodize something as ridiculous as a the current controlling wing of the Republican Party? Some of the commentators can’t even tell the difference, which puts a little extra cha-cha into the mix. Jon does a heckuva job (TM) pulling it off.

not even an mba

John Sidney McCain III. Wow. How come no one’s poked fun of this yet? I mean with all the Hussein X’s out there, shouldn’t someone be using John Sidney McCain III? I’m going to start calling him JiSM 3.


McCain can use the old SNL commercial for his campaign spot.

Change is a two way street.


McCain: Change You HAVE To Believe In, Because The Evidence-Route Is Closed Indefinitely For Repairs.

I saw about a minute of his “speech” & had to stop – the left-center-right head-fake gave me the heebie-jeebies. He looks literally Animatronic, & has the voice to match … either that man is drastically medicated out the wazoo, OR … dun dun DUNNNNN … has anyone ever seen people from Disney’s “Imagineers” outfit hanging around backstage at his events? Just asking.


Roger that.

Mister Swift is the shit.


I want to give Swift a hug.


If he’s elected, we will all be saying, “Got any spare change?” to J. Sidney McCain III.


Back in the day, $400 billion was a lot of money.


For once, the pseudonym is apt.


Thanks for the link, Mr. Swift’s posts have gotten erratic and I forget to check.

As to change – I prefer quarters. Screw pennies.


either that man is drastically medicated out the wazoo,

I believe that the medication goes in the wazoo, not out.

Gabriel Ratchet

noen said,

June 5, 2008 at 16:15

I wonder if Jon Swift isn’t a teacher. The timing would be about right.

He’s actually an entertainment journalist in real life (I know him slightly). Out of deference to his privacy I won’t say anything more than that.


John Sydney McCain III was the NVA’s best bomber pilot.


I’m so glad to see Jon Swift blogging again! I hope he keeps it up!


Now, now, Magda Carter, if I were you, I would refrain from buying donuts, at least until we have clearance on which brands are ideologically pure and 100% jihadi-free. Same for arugula and other leafy vegetables.
Stay tuned!


…point out that a lot of the hired help in stores these days are minorities

Well up here in the Great Northwest, I’m seeing a lot of older folks working in the stores as “hired help” (who the hell says that?). See a lot of minorities going off to work at Microsoft everyday and they aren’t cleaning the toilets, but those aren’t the type of minorities that scare McCain.


FOX News Gets The Fever…

Apparently the producers at FOX News learned the lessons of Richard Nixon and Lee Atwater quite well. Via Sadly, No:

Wow. A Princeton Bachelor’s, a Harvard J.D., employment at Sidley Austin, the City of Chicago and the University of Chicago only ge…


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