Gavin, Don’t Eat It! (Part III Of III)
But when once the invisible world was supposed to be opened, and the lawless agency of bad spirits assumed, what measures of probability, of decency, of fitness, or proportion — of that which distinguishes the likely from the palpable absurd — could they have to guide them in the rejection or admission of any particular testimony?
-Charles Lamb, Witches and Other Night-Fears
Many have asked after the result of our experiment. It is a terrible and shame-wracked story, the earlier episodes of which are here and more previously here, as well as possibly also here. This is the tragic denouement.
If I may make an observation, there are some weird and unpleasant people on the Internet. And as fate would happen, some of those bad people were involved in the Andy Stephenson affair, which was pivotal in our competition with DUmmie FUnnies, the not-funny anti-Democratic Underground site that mounted that giant Freeper campaign against us, and [mumble-mumble] you know, Weblog Awards thingy.
I realize I’m not being very clear. The competition was a vitrine of human pettiness, comprising everything that wingnuts do when they think they can get away with it: attempting to cheat, making false counter-accusations of cheating, performing arias of wounded innocence when caught by the judges trying to cheat, sock-puppetry, blar-harring, ganging up on people and yelling nasty things at them, blaming the people they’re ganging up on (i.e., ‘stop hitting yourself’), performing tuba-and-piccolo sonatas of wounded innocence when caught blaming people for things they themselves are doing, et alia. It provided a valuable booster lesson: They’re really like that. They will really do just any old thing at all.
And of course we needed to be just as bad, which is really bad indeed, so as the molecular cravings intensified following our preparation of Cheetos dans une Cuvette avec la Rosée de Montagne, or Cheetos in a Cereal Bowl with Mountain Dew Poured Over It, our medical adviser* agreed cautiously to go forward:
Subject initially tested normally on the Beck Aggression Inventory, however the current response to exposure to the ‘Glenn Beck Program’ on CNN is one of heightened attention and studied interest. Contrary to the baseline response of throwing crumpled paper towels at the screen and demanding the remote, subject was observed listening intently and intermittently nodding in agreement. Other indices of cognitive function show only slight impairment (most notably a reversal of the order of nouns and adjectives in speech), however my concern for the subject’s well-being is rapidly increasing.
CNN host Glenn Beck is an American patriotic with the guts to stand up to the LIEBERAL LIES promal… promul… spread on the terror-supporting MSM of which CNN COMMUNIST NEWS NETWORK is a liberal Ted Turner plan to misinform America via nanny state mealy-mouthed liberal elite HITLERY disinfo, except for Glenn Beck who is on CNN almost all the time, it seems. I was fortunate enough to catch a reprise of his proposal sensible for the Middle East, only this time he was supporting the military takeover in Paka… Pakes… the place near India China, and didn’t say ‘nuke’ but just ‘kill.’ I started off suspecting that the LIEBERAL conspiracy-wackos and ‘truthers’ had gotten to Beck AS THEY SO OFTEN DO, but then after impersonating an Iraq War veteran on the Internet for awhile, I thought about it a bit and decided that military takeovers are a good way to preserve precious freedoms, not to mention support the troops.
To further assess the subject’s degeneration, an abbreviated Rorschach test was administered. The first three blots were interpreted as: “Hitlery Clinton,” “Hitlery selling our oil reserves to the Chinese,” and “President Hitlery subjecting the American People to Sharia law.” The test was suspended at this point, and subject was presented with a blank card, which was subsequently interpreted as “Hitlerly murdering Vince Foster and strangling a puppy, while consecrating a gay wedding with the blood of a murdered womb baby.” Subject exhibits an increased rate of respiration and is sweating profusely; I am beginning to fear for my safety.
Some LIARS and DISINGENUOUS LIE-FRAUDS may falsely claim that I did not actually taste these concoctions. I am here to say that I have witnesses** and that Cheetos blenderized with Mountain Dew Game Fuel tastes like TOUCHING THE FACE OF GOD!!! WITH YOUR DICK!!1 Also, the flavor begins salty-sweet with almost no suggestion of cheese, and settles in with a strong cereal taste, exactly like Quisp or Cap’n Crunch. Around the edges of this, the sweet and salty elements fight to a standstill, leaving an impression on the palate only of mild viscosity, like certain high-specific-gravity malt liquors including Steel Reserve. The overall experience is like you’re standing there minding your own business when a bum staggers over and throws up in your mouth — and you’re like, “Agh!” and you try to wash the taste out by throwing up in your own mouth, except you were eating the same stuff the bum was, only with a bit less cheese flavor.
The effects faded all too rapidly, for as I was on the Internet accusing a wounded veteran of faking his injuries, I was consumed with guilt and shame — whereas, of course, the one who should feel shame is him, for falsely accusing me of accusing him, and so forth. As I forged a threatening email from him and sent it to the forum moderator, every cell in my body was screaming for more courage, more fortitude, more maracas, tambourine, and indeed cowbell.
Subject is increasingly aggressive and hostile to reasonable requests. Close physical examination belies the presence of a film of orange powder around the subject’s nostrils. Despite the short duration of the test, subject appears to have gained substantial amounts of both weight and unsightly body hair. Secretive behavior of the subject led to my discovery of syringes filled with a reddish-orange liquid, which were confiscated. This led to a suggestion that the experiment be immediately discontinued, upon hearing which the subject brandished a ‘Slim Jim’ and demanded I make a ‘saving throw’ against his ‘level 14 fireball.’ I was able to make use of a distraction (suggesting the presence of Pamela Oshry in an amorous embrace with Debbie Schlussel behind subject) to escape the basement and trap subject inside, however I am uncertain of the security of this arrangement. I have left the premises and contacted the authorities, however if the subject is able to escape confinement before their arrival, the safety of the general public may be at risk.
It is useless, and the time awfully fails me, to prolong this description; no one has ever suffered such torments, let that suffice; and yet even to these, habit brought–no, not alleviation–but a certain callousness of soul, a certain acquiescence of despair; and my punishment might have gone on for years, but for the last calamity which has now fallen, and which has finally severed me from my own face and nature. My provision of the Cheetos, which had never been renewed since the date of the first experiment, began to run low. I sent out for a fresh supply and mixed the draught; the ebullition followed, and more ebullition, and then more. You will learn from Brad how I have had Boston ransacked; it was in vain. The city had been emptied of Cheetos.
Above: Several regrettable episodes ensued.
About a week has passed, and I am now finishing this statement under the influence of the last of the powders. This, then, is the last time, short of a miracle, that Gafydd Ab M. can think his own thoughts or see his own face (now how sadly altered!) in the glass. Nor must I delay too long to bring my writing to an end; for if my narrative has hitherto escaped destruction, it has been by a combination of great prudence and great good luck. Should the throes of change take me in the act of writing it, Ab M. will tear it in pieces; but if some time shall have elapsed after I have laid it by, his wonderful selfishness and circumscription to the moment will probably save it once again from the action of his ape-like spite. And indeed the doom that is closing on us both has already changed and crushed him. Half an hour from now, when I shall again and forever reindue that hated personality, I know how I shall sit shuddering and weeping in my chair, or continue, with the most strained and fearstruck ecstasy of listening, to pace up and down this room (my last earthly refuge) and give ear to every sound of menace. Will Ab M. die upon the scaffold? or will he find courage to release himself at the last moment? God knows; I am careless; this is my true hour of death, and what is to follow concerns another than myself. Here then, as I lay down the pen and proceed to seal up my confession, I bring the life of that unhappy Gavin M. to an end.†
‘Don’t Eat It’ concept created by Steven at The Sneeze.
* Not a medical doctor
** Witnesses can indeed attest that I drank this.
† Text from Robert Louis Stevenson, The Annotated Strange Case of Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde.
One thing remains, Gafydd Ab M.
A giant sammich pic!
This may be the funniest thing I’ve ever read. Well done.
And I believe I speak on behalf of all scientists when I say that I appreciate the risks you’ve taken.
[Applause]
Lemme get that last link straight.
Maliki orders the arrest and trial of two members of Sadr’s gang and that says everything is working well….even though Sadr and Maliki are on the outs?
Isn’t it more likely that Maliki is looking to stock the Health Ministry with his own guys instead?
i hope by “drank” you mean sipped a teensy quantity, and not glugged that whole glass. gahhhhhhh…wretch…sputter…blergh.
p.s. what’s in that blender looks like something China might retail as carrot juice.
Jeez.
Was trying to paste the “blog readability meter”, which claims that this blog is written at the high school level, which I find highly insulting to high schoolers..
http://www.criticsrant.com/bb/reading_level.aspx
Oops. My bad. It was high school special ed level. Sorry.
That cocktail looks….kinda tasty!
You had me at “Gafydd Ab M.”
The lines of Cheetos with the rolled up dollar bill was also a highlight. I try to explain this stuff to my girlfriend– why I’m laughing out loud at a picture of crushed Cheetos– and she just thinks I’m crazy.
Hopefully, with time, the memories will fade. Well actually with any luck you’ll remember then first, then post them in agonizing shameful detail, and then they can fade.
Perhaps related- I noticed Rush had a little orange powder around his nostrils in the last clip I saw- he was snortling with rage/glee at the tears of an Inuit kid. Limbaugh, or Limburger? Either way he’s full of not-cheese.
Now you too can learn the new dance craze that’s sweeping the blogosphere! The Wingnut Shuffle is so fun and so easy to do, you’ll have your whole blogroll up and dancing in no time. Just follow these basic steps:
1. Put Cheetos bag over your head. Holes for vision optional.
2. Hop on your right foot.
3. Hop on your left foot.
4. Hop on your right foot again.
5. Throughout, throw your arms in the air and wave them because you simply do not care. You really don’t.
And that’s the Wingnut Shuffle!
This experiment represents a remarkable service to humanity.
God damn it.
You’ve got a two-stall stance there, Gafydd.
What’s in the left pocket?
“…a bum staggers over and throws up in your mouth — and you’re like, “Agh!” and you try to wash the taste out by throwing up in your own mouth, except you were eating the same stuff the bum was, only with a bit less cheese flavor.”
So…um…what’s for dinner?
The cheetocktail is magic! It has the magic gleamysparkle!
That Orange Roughy stuff looks beautiful, like the sun itself made liquid.
Also, I love that triptych of Gafydd Ab M. jubilating in the streeta of Boston. Pure poetry.
the horror
the horror
Link Police says check the doctor’s link.
Christ, I can hear the lens flare in that second picture.
Dibs on ‘Cheetotini’
Is it just me?
Or is this kind of…
I dunno…
Anti-Climatic?
mikey
Hah! Gomer’s blog gets rated at elementary school level, National Review gets junior high, can’t get Pastor Swank’s rating, apparently no reading level corresponds with his unique grammar.
And the Beck link also.
I bet when that photo was taken, he was shrieking “Tekeli-li! Tekeli-li!”
Cheetos blenderized with Mountain Dew Game Fuel tastes like TOUCHING THE FACE OF GOD!!! WITH YOUR DICK!!1
Okay, for a moment there I though I was reading Penny-Arcade
mikey: I dunno… Anti-Climatic?
I know its only Sadly, No! but I like it.
Does this mean we now have to read you at The Corner?
Ahem. 2…3…4…
Yore Cheetin’ heart…
I got Junior High!
OMG! Yay!!!
Funny stuff, Gav. I do believe the Orange Roughy will be seen by history as the crowning achievement of this series.
PS Will you please, Please, PLEASE, PUH_LEASE!!!!!! make your next project the Sammich Hall of Fame?
Hear, Hear!
Blarr! indeed!
But if you were a true LGF lovin’ Cheetos huffer you’d use the word “nuke” more. Oh, and add “Darth” to your screen name.
Maybe it’s just the latest round of Republican sex scandals (happy Blowvember everyone!) but something about the phrase “Orange Roughy” in connection with the sex-obsessed right wing just sounds… dirty.
I like the layered effect of your cheetorita. Does the essence of wingnut lie on the top or bottom layer?
Awesome!
It’s like walking in the winning run during the playoffs. A true example of wingnuttery athleticism if I’ve ever seen it and I was there for “Blogs for Bush”.
Hugo Award, 2007 (Nonfiction): Flowers For Gavinon, by Gafydd Ab M.
Hugo Award, 2007 (Nonfiction): Flowers For Gavinon, by Gafydd Ab M.
See also The Marching Guys Like Me
Wonderful! If I find a freak sick enough to desire such assurances I’ll give him your number.
you had me at Gafydd Ab M.
Pffft. Like any self respecting wingnut has wine glasses. Nothing but the finest plastic receptacles for they!
But, that aside, that pic made me double over here at my desk. Co-workers probably think I’m nuts, and there is no way in hell I would try to explain this to ’em.
Cheetos for Algernon?
So I guess you’ll have to throw out that blender.
Or send it to the Smithsonian.
[Wipes away tears] I was able to keep from laughing until the Dr J. & Mr. H spoof began. Now I’m getting many a doubting look from the co-workers.
If they’re lucky I’ll send them a link.
Would it be accurate to say you ebulliated?
Sammiches for Gavinon?
I for one would not want to be on the IRB for this….it’s like live-action Cthululu.
Well, I for one, am ebulliated.
You can almost hear the cthululation in the Regrettable Incidents triptych.
Isn’t the term ‘orange roughy’ reserved for Maureen Dowd?
Aw, come on mikey. This whole sorry episode produced
1) cheeto chops on a block and
2) “Around the edges of this, the sweet and salty elements fight to a standstill, leaving an impression on the palate only of mild viscosity, like certain high-specific-gravity malt liquors including Steel Reserve. The overall experience is like you’re standing there minding your own business when a bum staggers over and throws up in your mouth — and you’re like, “Agh!” and you try to wash the taste out by throwing up in your own mouth, except you were eating the same stuff the bum was, only with a bit less cheese flavor.”
Absurd satire precisely done. Will this be understood by its targets?
Sadly, No!
i read in the NYTimes that for people don’t take into account the blubber factor in exercise, that people’s fat jiggling a la homer simpson can be painful and throws off the body’s natural rhythms or something.
the idea of a hugh (any right wing hugh will do) running brings this to mind for some reason.
Oh… the humanity.
Oh… the Hugh Manatee.
Y’all crack me up.
Lookee: hundreds of comments yet the profoundly pithy first has yet to be surpassed.
Hee-larious, to the point of waking the feline roomie w/ out-loud chortling. Perfect expression of spazz-osity in the “regrettable episodes” sequence. (Is that a spare in your left pocket?) Ah, Quisp. Really, isn’t it just the same as Cap’n Crunch. And what was Quake like? I remember the ads better than the cereals. Ain’t that America?
The “Pamela Oshry” link doesn’t seem to go anywhere. Which is surprising, because she (& Matthew Yglesias) both get “Genius” in the Blog Readability Test!!?!??!?! I had no problem w/ the “College (Postgrad)” my own tested at (Nyah nyah, High Schoolers!!) but there must be something wrong w/ their criteria or algorithms to arrive at “Genius” for those two!!
I don’t think you can get Pastor Swank’s because he appears in a newspaper, not a stand-alone blog. I tried “foreignaffairs.org” & it didn’t work either.
Righteous Bubba: Fucking amazing.
Is there a video of the several regrettable episodes? If there were, it would quickly surpass Techno Viking as YouTube phenom of the season.
I can’t decide which image is my favorite. The triptych is great, the sparkle off the glass is perfect, and what comes to mind when I look at Teh Final Solution—”Cutting lines with a cleaver”—just seems so right.
R. Bubba, you get “Genius” too. You name-calling lefty. You didn’t refute a single word of that brave Ron Silver’s “I’m scared & we must lash out, Bush is right” piece.
Is it just me?
Or is this kind of…
I dunno…
Anti-Climatic?
contributing to global warming you mean?
Righteous Bubba, you show your ignorance just by opening your mouth! Or pressing your computer keys, since that is a blob rather than a mouth-opening place. And name calling just means you can’t negate his points. Dubmass!
R. Bubba, you get “Genius” too.
People who post a lot of screenshots seem to get that. I’ll have to test that with post after post of Gavin’s truck-fucking porn and commentary along the lines of “Hyuck!”
You didn’t refute a single word of that brave Ron Silver’s “I’m scared & we must lash out, Bush is right” piece.
Shit! Forgot that part!
WTF, Bub?
I get Junior High, and you get genius?
Fuckin’ Hell. I feel like I’m in junior high again!
But getting the first comment on that slab of dumbassery?
Priceless!
Ron Silver Cognitive Dissonance Alert:
first he says this:
Then, immediately following, he says this:
That is some exemplary wingnut logic right there!
So you’re sayin’ that we have nothing to do with the solution, but we might as well blow some shit up?
I get Junior High, and you get genius?
I recommend the use of the word “shitbag”. Atrios got genius and he says shitpile all day long. Maybe some other shitword would work, like shitstapler or shithammer. Or you could just be Rush Limbaugh.
post a lot of screenshots
This is genius-talk for “post a lot of pictures”. Note it well, inferiors!
Funny, I was discussing the Beck Aggression Index yesterday, while preparing my fortnightly Self-report Inventory, and came to the conclusion that elevated indices overtime contribute directly to observed trends (upward) in my Beck Hopelessness Scale.
I hope Gafydd finds the courage to release himself at the last moment in a frothy orange roughie, as the ebullitions don’t seem to have quite finished the job. I am worried about the bulging dildo in his pocket. Just keep him away from wetsuits.
UPDATE:Closer examination of the photos call into question the claims of the author. Note the “stain” on the street actually change position in the three frames. And early tests with several light sources and dildos couldn’t reproduce the bulge. I’m willing to concede it may be a small sammich, perhaps even a wrap. But the dildo angle is still wide open.
Also, that cheeto on the rim of the glass is defying the laws of physics. I’d prove it with trig, but I’ll leave that to others.
but the best part is when Ron says the Democrats tried to defeat Joe Lieberman in a primary.
Wow. You are one brave and diligent soldier in the great War on Winguttery.
Kudos.
(Also, really, really funny, as usual.)
1. Put Cheetos bag over your head. Holes for vision optional.
2. Hop on your right foot.
3. Hop on your left foot.
4. Hop on your right foot again.
5. Throughout, throw your arms in the air and wave them because you simply do not care. You really don’t.
6. Profit!!!
Fixed.
What, Bubba, you didn’t find “Heh, poor Righteous Bubba” a stinging rebuke? That was some pithtastic pithocity right there.
And thanks so much for letting me know that the bedwetting actor who played the torture-enthusiast lawyer in a mediocre movie has his own wingnut blog. ‘Nut I can handle. ‘Nut squared doesn’t go down so easy. All things considered, I was happier not knowing that Silver actually is Dershowitz.
Meh. At least he wasn’t up for the coveted Weblog for best celebrity blog.
Truly, Gavin, you crawled right down into the belly of the beast; and then came out the butt end.
As for that asshole Ron Silver – “I’m a Joe Lieberman Democrat.”
Heh. Indeed.
Please assure us there will be more posts to further explain the dark side. Or even begin to explain. Or even be just slightly more interesting.
Part III of III is just a tease, right? No reason we can’t have part IV of III. Or part IIIa of III. Actually I’m hoping for parts IV – MCCXIII of III too. This is the XXCst century, after all.
Reading Level? Genius!!11!
The fact is, if liberals win the White House again, we will be attacked again by the terrorists. I also don’t think such a thing could happend without voter fraud, so those of us who believe in freedom and free elections will protest and use the Consititution to restore proper government to the USA. We are a Republic, Not A Democracy. Terrorist appeasers, God haters and moral values flaunters would do do good to remember this.
Who put a quarter in Gary?
Nobody reads my blog, so I have to repeat it for geniuses like Gary, but WE’RE GOING TO GET HIT AGAIN no matter the party of the White House. Anyone who thinks otherwise should be banned from all blogs and even voting, immediately. Too stupid to live.
It’s the only good thing about the GOP winning the next Presidential election, and also serves to illustrate more Democratic ineptitude, since they should be preaching this constantly to innoculate themselves against the inevitable, which I like to call, “Politics 101.”
George Bush the Lesser has been breeding terrorists like rabbits on a Viagra binge. And there’s no stopping 100% of people willing to die for a cause. Not even Gary. Think about it, Gary: Think hard about how many liberals you could take out if you didn’t care if you died while you were at it.
Terrorism Math. It’s a “page” on my blog, Gary. Read and learn, if that is possible, and if you’re not just some fake retard with Mom upstairs and a wank to wank.
Part III of III is just a tease, right? No reason we can’t have part IV of III. Or part IIIa of III. Actually I’m hoping for parts IV – MCCXIII of III too. This is the XXCst century, after all.
This is like demanding a sequel to Supersize Me. How cruel can you be?
Gary’s a little verbose tonight. Maybe someone put two quarters in ‘im.
You can say it’s from whatever text, but I swear that was a perfect rendition of Lovecraft. The writing that is, and maybe also the drink. Teh. Best. Post. Evah.
Now try Bugles filled with Easy-Cheese. The ultimate in redneck cuisine.
Gavin has more than earned that funniest blog award, unlike the loser: admits:
those of us who believe in freedom and free elections will protest and use the Consititution to restore proper government to the USA.
Do you need the ACLU’s phone number? Cause I’m pretty sure you’ll want them at that point.
We’ve just been informed that the so-called “funniest Blog on the Internet,” Sadlyno-dot-com, is being investigated by Federal authorities. Apparently, rumors that one of the Blog’s primary contributors, Gavin M., has been ingesting illegal performance-enhancers, sparked the investigation.
Reports are sketchy at this point, but what we do know is that Gavin M. was seen galloping down the middle of the street, in broad daylight, wearing a bag of some sort over his head, and jubilating. At least three eyewitnesses claim that Gavin’s head and feet have grown visibly larger over the past few years, and that his Blog’s laugh-per-post ratio has increased at a rate never before seen in the blogging world.
We’ll have more on this story as it develops.
Heart of darkness, baby. Heart of motherfuckin’ darkness.
‘Ebulliator’ would be a good name for a doppelbock. Until someone brews it, let’s jubilate!
Eek, link went away.
http://www.kbsinstitute.org/images/pullo/1839.jpg
You can say it’s from whatever text, but I swear that was a perfect rendition of Lovecraft.
There was a Robert Bloch Lovecraftish story in which a hideous
Dick Cheneyingrown twin manifests as a growth on a guy’s back, forcing him to do horrible things.Moral Values Flaunter
Damn, but that’s good. I’m just lucky no band has used it yet.
Can I change the name of my blogger McBlog?
‘Cause I’m a fucking Flaunter, no bout a adout it.
I just tipple hither and yon, flaunting my moral valu…
Waaaait just one damn minute. Methinks you trick me. I don’t HAVE moral values. That’s not what I flaunt at all.
Hokay, gary boy, now I’m pissed. I’m so pissed I’m gonna take a page out of the wingnut playbook and threaten to beat you up even though we’re on the intert00bz and I don’t know where you are.
And then I’m gonna go back to flaunting my (lack of) moral values…
mikey
Gary’s just flouting his vast vocabulary, mikey.
You are flouting moral values, Mikey.
Go ahead and flaunt your flout.
mikey, I wrote “Terrorism Math” with people like Gary and George Bush the Lesser in mind, so it will probably take him a week or so to digest it, if he bothers. Or is capable. Even though (because of?) my blog, like corrente, was rated “Jr. High” level in terms of readability.
He’s too pathetic to get all violent about, anyway.
If he’s real, of course. I’m starting to doubt it. He’s just to stereotypically ignorant to be real. I mean, he’s probably a real human being and all, but I find it hard to believe he’s a real wingnut. Why hang out here? Could he be a wingnut, like so many others, with some bizarre sexual fetishes, like S&M?
Mostly, in this case, M?
Yo, Gary! Do you get a big hard on by being beat on like a drum? Even you would have to admit that it is a realistic question, since there are dozens, if not several blogs to whom you could beat off with, not at.
Inquiring minds want to know.
Who put a quarter in Gary?
Wiping monitor while chortles and guffaws continue to reverberate.
Hmm. I call fake Gary for a precise reason: on Righteous Bubba’s profoundly pithy link, one of the wingnut commenters refers to durned libruls ‘flaunting moral values’. Someone read that and decided to make use of it here as unto Gary.
Confidential to John O: If Gary Ruppert ever existed as a real person, this one isn’t him. Don’t waste your indignation.
Thanks for the tip, Djur. I’m sorta new out here, even though I’ve been reading the posts for years.
You mean there are more than one, I take it?
Isn’t that, well, sort of bogus from an intellectual integrity POV?
Never mind.
You’ve certainly stoked my interest in the “real” Gary, though. Must be quite a piece of work.
Hey, Fake Garys (Garies?) might also enjoy a nice beat down (just like momma used to make). *slaps riding crop on computer*
Gorgons and Hydras, and Chimaeras – dire stories of Celaeno and the Harpies – may reproduce themselves in the brain of superstition – but they were there before. They are transcripts, types – the archtypes are in us, and eternal. How else should the recital of that which we know in a waking sense to be false come to affect us all? Is it that we naturally conceive terror from such objects, considered in their capacity of being able to inflict upon us bodily injury? O, least of all! These terrors are of older standing. They date beyond body – or without the body, they would have been the same… That the kind of fear here treated is purely spiritual – that it is strong in proportion as it is objectless on earth, that it predominates in the period of our sinless infancy – are difficulties the solution of which might afford some probable insight into our ante-mundane condition, and a peep at least into the shadowland of pre-existence.
– Charles Lamb: Witches and Other Night-Fears
“It must be allow’d, that these Blasphemies of an infernall Train of Daemons are Matters of too common Knowledge to be deny’d; the cursed Voices of Azazel and Buzrael, of Beelzebub and Belial, being heard now from under Ground by above a Score of credible Witnesses now living. I myself did not more than a Fortnight ago catch a very plain Discourse of evill Powers in the Hill behind my House; wherein there were a Rattling and Rolling, Groaning, Screeching, and Hissing, such as no Things of this Earth could raise up, and which must needs have come from those Caves that only black Magick can discover, and only the Divell unlock”.
His wilder wanderings were very startling indeed, including frantic appeals that something in a boarded-up farmhouse be destroyed, and fantastic references to some plan for the extirpation of the entire human race and all animal and vegetable life from the earth by some terrible elder race of beings from another dimension.
The fact is, if liberals win the White House again, we will be attacked again by the terrorists.
I knew Bush and Cheney were lieberals, all along.
John O, I’ve tried out my own fake Gary on occasion. Used to reel them in by the creel, until everyone figured out ‘the fact is’ requisite.
Interesting.
I could never do that. Even though I can clearly see the fun in it.
Perhaps that’s why Red State so easily banned me.
John, all you need to do to get banned from Red State is mention Ron Paul.
So, not that hard.
We’ve even had our share of Paultards posting their multi-paragraph manifestos of how they Saw The Light™, but as Ann Althouse has discovered, it’s really hard to get the banhammer around here.
While I’ve never purported to be Gary or Ann Althouse, I have claimed, on various occasions, to be god, fidel castro and Eve Ensler….
mikey
And here I thought you were the Pope, mikey…
~
Ann Althaus
I imagine there must be a video of the Hazmat team that came to dispose of the remains of the experiment. After all, it is toxic waste and we can’t have such dangerous materials lying around can we? hmmmm… Oh! found it!
Proper disposal technique. Remember kids, these are trained perfessionals. Don’t try this at home
Oh yeah.
Is anyone else worried that Gavin’s not said one word? Do you think he drank (the orange guck) and drove? Do you think he’s in rehab? Should we call someone? The Cheetos hotline?
And here I thought you were the Pope, mikey…
Did I ever say that? ‘Cause that’s really weird. Back in the middle eighties, when I was rippin and runnin with charley cherry’s outfit in sacramento, they all called me “pope”. My partner was “the freakin deacon”. It was non-stop rocknroll, and the idea was to create a self-perpetuating machine.
Cook dope. Sell dope. Use money to cook dope. Repeat as necessary…
They started calling me Pope ’cause I’d go out on my deck with no pants on and a stainless mossberg 12 and give them the benediction. No. It really was funny at the time…
mikey
Damn. In the mid eighties, I was writing computer programs to value options on futures.
And look where that got me. (Extended whine……..)
P.S. Disclaimer: what I was doing was writing spaghetti code in BASIC to get the job done. All you hippies who get this new-fangled innert00bz stuff, just stay the HELL OFFA MY LAWN!
P.P.S. If there were a legitimate spaghetti code Nobel Prize, I would win it.
Off Topic:
I know that this is going to be EXTREMELY difficult to believe, but Althouse’s latest post about the Democratic debate focuses on Hillary’s lipstick.
Of course she wants to post about lipstick. She has severe difficulty with substance. What’s new?
I think it says everything you need to know about that woman that she thinks anti-Althausiana deserves it’s own fucking word.
Sorry, I thought he was a Magic Fingers bed.
(People under the age of 40 can substitute “Gas Station Vacuum Cleaner” if “Magic Fingers bed” causes perplexity).
Actually, the whole thing sounds disgusting, never mind.
If Gary Ruppert ever existed as a real person, this one isn’t him.
Jesus said, “If your leaders say to you, ‘Look, the Kingdom of Ruppert is in the sky,’ then the birds of the sky will precede you. If they say to you, ‘It is in the sea,’ then the fish will precede you. Rather, the Kingdom of Ruppert is within you and it is outside you.”
…
Jesus said to them, “When you make the two into one, and when you make the inner like the outer and the outer like the inner, and the upper like the lower, and when you make male and female into a single one, so that the male will not be male nor the female be female, when you make eyes in place of an eye, a hand in place of a hand, a foot in place of a foot, an image in place of an image, then you will enter the kingdom of Ruppert.”
His disciples said to him, “When will the kingdom come?”
“It will not come by watching for it. It will not be said, ‘Look, here!’ or ‘Look, there!’ Rather, the Kingdom of Ruppert is spread out upon the earth, and people don’t see it.”
“Rather, the Kingdom of Ruppert is spread out upon the earth, and people don’t see it.”
Until they step in it.
“and that Cheetos blenderized with Mountain Dew Game Fuel tastes like TOUCHING THE FACE OF GOD!!! WITH YOUR DICK!!1 Also, the flavor begins salty-sweet with almost no suggestion of cheese”
Talk about a mixed metaphor from hell, and of course “almost no suggestion of cheese” is not surprising since there’s almost no suggestion of cheese in Cheeto’s.
And anywho, it’s common knowledge that Anne Coulter is the only human
whose dick has touched The Face Of God, and lived to taste about it.
Or until it throws them down across the hood of a ’68 camaro and handcuffs them and drags them back down and kicks them repeatedly in the kidneys because they can.
So sayeth the lord…
mikey
Did someone say “Hazmat team that came to dispose of the remains of the experiment”?
Gary Ruppert wrote:
We are safe from terrorist attacks if there is no voter fraud. Damn. You learn something new every day.
Incidentally, has anyone ever noticed how Cheetos resemble small orange turds?
Ah, the Magic Fingers bed. Waterbed nothing, those were where the real action was. They’d cost a hell of a lot more than a quarter now.
And mikey, to this very day I’m acquainted w/ a reefer dealer who is known as “The Pope.” I’m happy to say I’ve never seen him w/o pants or w/ a Mossberg though. Never met a “Freakin Deacon.” The DEA in deacon would make me nervous.
Actually it’s Althouse posting her son’s take on the lipstick. Althouse goes on to remind people of why Gore lost the election to Bush: his stage makeup made him look like a cheeto.
Meanwhile, Ann’s lipstick (top right newish photo) matches Laura Bush’s Revlon Vampire shade. (I’m not being mean here, just making it all about her cuz you know it’s always about her.)
But, but, the terrorists want “liberals” to steal the election, because they’ll install sharia law & put burqas on the cows without any more attacks. It is only the righteous steadfastness of Dear Leader & his refusal to surrender to the forces of intergalactic
pumiceIslamo-terror that forces the terrorists to continue their dastardly attacks on us!!Someone must’ve put the quarter in the wrong slot on Señor Rupperto. Damn outsourcing!
I have already appropriated The Entrancing Ms. Althouse’s newest photo w/ new lipstick shade for nefarious purposes.
Althouse goes on to remind people of why Gore lost the election to Bush: his stage makeup made him look like a cheeto.
Christ on a fucking crutch, she’s a law professor & she doesn’t want to admit the Supremes handed it to Bush, it was Gore’s make-up? That’s why he got 500,000 more votes than Bush?
At a blog I shall not name which shall remain nameless, a commenter who uses the name Lesley (But it could really be me! Me!!) is turning the blog into a cesspool of sexism & hatred, by mentioning my new shade of lipstick. Stop it or I will sue! I am an Attorney-at-Law, Esquire!!
Just for the record, I got banned from Red State before the Great Paul Purge was enacted.
So there!
Ann Althouse is one seriously weird dudette, also for the record. I’m sayin’, what is UP with her?
I never go visit her blog, because from what I’ve picked up everywhere else, and set me straight on this, she wants to be perceived as “liberal,” or at least “centrist,” while mostly just shilling for her own self like a starving hooker and putting forth some sort of Nazi arguments, like against tits and all?
Is that about right?
Oh, I stop by and torment her every once in a while.
Just be careful who you give your e-mail address to. I participated in a thread over at teh Megatron’s place (you know, back when she was deleting Gavin’s comments about missing punchlines) and used my real, personal e-mail address to comment, and after she’d deleted a few of my comments she emailed me. What the HELL.
Lesson learned, I suppose.
Wow, Simba! Creepy, for sure!
Andrew Sullivan and I once had a reasonably lengthy e-mail exchange.
It was weird to be “talking” to someone you see on TV.
It was fun because he admitted I was right. Personally, I credit/hold myself responsible for his blogular subtitle, which IIRC quotes Orwell.
Which was the gist of what I was ragging him about.
In Andrew’s defense, he never got all creepy on my or anything, and in fact was quite civil.
Not in the least because he conceded what I was trying to tell him.
I think it was about the war or some such nonsense. It was a while back.
Simba B: The staff @ Firing Miss Megan would be more than interested in sharing your Brush W/ Celebrity Greatness Mega-mail w/ the entire blog-o-verse. Please contact us forthwith. Thank you.
Y’all are awful nice to let me post here. I can’t even figure out how to leave links or quote people. And you don’t follow me around the web acting weird. Sorry I couldn’t pull my old friend away from the dark side, I did try. Lawnguylander, I did try, so ‘fookin’ hard! Short of kidnapping, there’s little hope left. You’re more local than I am. Want to team up? ROFL.
So, Hillary’s lipstick, eh? I think we knew it’d sink to that.
I’ve been a bad boy:
http://cheetosrampage.ytmnd.com/
Forgive me.
I’ve been a bad boy:
http://cheetosrampage.ytmnd.com/
Forgive me.
That’s the sort of thing that makes me happy there’s an internet.
We, the initiated, stand knowingly amused at John O’s wonder at the marvel that is Gary Ruppert. What is Gary, he asks?
To attempt to answer this question is like attempting to understand the nature of God. With your dick.
It is not humanly possible, yet it is the ultimate question that captivates us all. It is not the knowlege that you seek, but the wisdom achieved in seeking it.
The answer is that there is no answer.
It is known that there are many false Garys. Some here have admitted to the perfidy of Gary impersonation. They are blasphemers and would be punished in a just universe, swept into the dustbin of history.
Some believe Gary to be a simple assembly of computer code that randomly arranges Republican talking points and posts them to this and a few other blogs. Nobody knows who would have written such a malicious script, let alone why. But we all rejoice that, however it was done, it was done.
It may have spontaneously erupted from Karl Rove’s lost Blackberry files, the virtual animation of over 5 million e-mailed talking points and instructions to political operatives around the nation mysteriously conglomerating themselves into a simple but lovable program.
It is said that there was once an original Gary. His origins are shrouded in mystery; many believe him to have once been a small boy from Mexico hired to spam blogs for the Bush Campaign in 2000. It’s possible he was a groundskeeper at a Jehovah’s Witness temple in Crawford, Texas, who’d snuck into the pastor’s office to look at kiddie porn and discovered the blogosphere by accident.
Some evidence suggests that he was a small Mexican Jehovah’s Witness kidnapped by the Bush campaign to star in brush-clearing kiddie porn, who escaped his nightmarish existence through a metaphysical transformation involving Cheetos and Mountain Dew.*
Per this story, he was able to accidently upload himself into the global information stream like a cyberpunk character. He has now become a poorly-written cyberpunk character, a sort of Ghost in the Wingnuto-Shell. Gary Ruppert, the wingnut idoru.
Whatever he once was, he has now become The Ruppert. Praise Him!
Other theories are less generous.
Perhaps he is an ineffectual punishment of sorts, the pathetic rebuke of a petulant and powerless God, whining at the upstart mortals with their disrespectful ways, warning of disastrous consequences if we don’t mend our ways. We never do so mend, and the dire results never come.
The fact is, if Gary did not exist, we would have to invent him.
*I hope you’ve learned your lesson, Gavin. There are some forces in this world that humans were not meant to understand. Trifle with them at peril to your sanity and your soul.
a vitrine of human pettiness
I am totally stealing that idea.
Hooray for Anonymous Prime and the Cheetos Rampage!
[…] of what can go horribly, horribly wrong with the ingestion of certain blargish substances… Sadly, No! » Gavin, Don’t Eat It (Part III Of III) Posted at 19:35 by Gafydd Ab M. But when once the invisible world was supposed to be opened, and […]
Righteous, that was righteous! Is Gavin now the Stephen Colbert of the intertoobz?
Righteous, that was righteous!
I wish I came up with it.
Wait. You mean to tell me that you actually SNORTED CHEETOES the way one would snort a line of coke? Holy Crap™! I stand in awe of the sacrifices you are willing to make for our amusement, Gav.
Um, yes I did. I have no witnesses for this particular act, but in order to be consistent, I did snort Cheeto dust through my nose, yes.
Gavin M. is not the Stephen Colbert of the Intertoobz!
Stephen Colbert is the Gavin M. of television.
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