Nov
6

Gavin, Don’t Eat It! (Pt. II Of III)




Posted at 12:57 by Gavin M.

In the first installment, we explained why we had to risk this experiment.

A wingnut has formidable powers. Equal to any intellectual or moral challenge, he prevails through wrongness and bwaa-haaing. Attacks on him are turned magically against the attacker, or against a hapless bystander. He doesn’t get embarrassed or feel shame, or have to exercise or change his clothes like regular people. If a woman, he is protected from ridicule by hordes of angry male wingnuts; if a man, protected from sexual interest by an aroma of feet and hot dogs. The male’s characteristic face mullet isolates the mouth from the rest of the visage, giving the effect of a ventriloquist’s dummy where the ventriloquist is any of several AM talk-radio personalities or Daws Butler characters. While physical attacks are -3, spells such as Befuddle and Whine at Unfairness are 9 and above to hit, 5d4 damage.

cheetosdew.jpg
Above: Cheetos and reagent and the other suspiciously retro-style kind
of Cheetos


However, with great power comes great responsibility, as someone once said in some comic book, perhaps The Amazing Spider-Man during the Gil Kane years. And this was just one of many popular expressions that were not being thought by me as I obtained the Cheetos, and next secured a quantity of the reagent. I would be performing this experiment under the supervision of a doctor,* whose clinical notes are interspersed below in italics.

gamefuel.jpg
Above: LiveWire, Baja Blast, and AMP varieties
suggest physical activity, failed evaluation


Prior to commencement of testing, subject presented as a normal, healthy male of average height and build. Subject’s attention span and cognitive function were normal, and healthy levels of empathy and compassion were demonstrated. Subject scored particularly well on the Jon’-Grogan Punctuation Battery, and skewed strongly to the ‘puller’ extreme of the Daubenmire Pasta Continuum All physical metrics are normal, and subject is deemed physically and emotionally fit for the testing to follow.

There were no instructions on any of the labels, so it wasn’t clear how these items were to be prepared. Were Cheetos edible, as they seemed to be, or were they a rub or poultice? They looked a bit like styrofoam peanuts, especially the ones that looked like Cheez Doodles. Both kinds looked like they’d be difficult to swallow, but then again so is this, so there you go.

mugbowl.jpg

Above: My 9/11 ‘America Shall Rise Up’ mug had some kind of moldy
coffee residue in it


I found what seemed an appropriate mug for the Dew, and arranged the Cheetos in the vessel commonly held as appropriate to their consumption. I ate a few dry, and then tried the Game Fuel. It smelled a bit like brake fluid, and also looked like brake fluid, but tasted more like if a hooker drank some brake fluid and then you ate a Maraschino cherry out of her ass. The Cheetos started off salty, moved quickly to a lactic umami sort of flavor, and finished by tasting like Cap’n Crunch, equally the dandruff-shouldered hacker and the breakfast cereal.

The aftertaste was like a heartbreaking absence of another Cheeto. I fought the pull of all the world’s Cheetos yet uneaten by me, and went to the Internet to see what new kinds of dumbness and defeatism the dopey Dhimmicrats were devising, blar.

Subject is displaying increased agitation and a propensity to pore over news sources, questioning the veracity of every photograph and news item. Subject’s clothing has been soiled with orange residue, and is emitting the odor of perspiration mingled with Axe body spray. Scores on the Treviño Integrity Inventory are beginning to decline, and intelligence as measured by the Noonan Aptitude Test is suffering as well. A Horowitz Assessment of blame transference was planned, but given the current condition of the subject, this may be unadvisable due to the risk to others. Subject will be closely monitored for further degeneration.

Cheetos are fine and good, I knew in every molecule of every cell. And yet, there had to be more to life than chasing the dragon from one sip of Dew to another sip of Dew, from one Cheeto to the next. What I needed was to catch that dragon.

milk.jpg
Above: The less said about this experiment, the better.

dewbowl.jpg
Above: Woo, this is more what we’re talking about, bwaha (snort).

[Continued in Part III]


‘Don’t Eat It’ concept created by Steven at The Sneeze.

* Not a medical doctor.

111 Comments »

  1. Not That Gary said,

    November 6, 2007 at 13:19

    tasted more like if a hooker drank some brake fluid and then you ate a Maraschino cherry out of her ass.

    There’s not much I miss about San Diego, but I was always amazed at what $5 could buy you in Tijuana.

  2. tds said,

    November 6, 2007 at 13:32

    PJ has awoken from the dead!

    By You All Showing Me For the Skunk I Am, THIS IS VICTORY!!!!!

    Hi Everybody! Thanx for tremendous PR you are giving to the DUmmie FUnnies. I figured I would make a cameo appearance here just to see the Loony Left go berserk again and extend this thread another 23 pages. Hee! Hee!

    We now return you to your mock outrage…

    Indeed! Those extra 50 hits he gets over a few days (he got well over 100 today!) was his plan all along! We gave him the attention he needed to blast himself into uberblogger status at 150 views per day!

    That collateral damage of thousands upon thousands now knowing him as someone who attacks dying cancer patients in their last days of life is simply something to toss aside. Nothing that really matters.

    What really matters is that he’s now a SuperBlogger…. in fact his Sitemeter stats say that he’s now a threat to the entire Blogosphere! Screw SadlyNo! He’s pretty much on his way to taking out Kos now!

  3. Grampaw said,

    November 6, 2007 at 13:37

    This is the thing for which you’ve been stoking our anticipation?

    Is there somewhere I can go to vote on whether or not this is, embarrassingly, exactly as lame-funny as Any Arbitrary “Satire” Post on DUmmie FUnnies? Please?

    I mean, you *are* going to give us some way of letting you know how we feel about getting a five-minute high-school comedy-club routine in lieu of, as we might have been led to expect, an actual act of even semi-subversive internets-pranksterism, aren’t you? Yes?

  4. owlbear1 said,

    November 6, 2007 at 13:53

    Grampaw did you misplace your laxatives again?

  5. tds said,

    November 6, 2007 at 13:56

    Your plot has been discovered. You’re making wingnuts heads explode wondering if they got the joke or not.

  6. Matt of the Open Range said,

    November 6, 2007 at 14:09

    At least he’s not alliterating. Yet.

  7. J— said,

    November 6, 2007 at 14:12

    Whoa, Gavin’s got a chick in his mom’s basement. A doctor chick. Catch that dragon, dude.

  8. ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,

    November 6, 2007 at 14:24

    Have you taken the NAT lately, grampaw?

  9. ice weasel said,

    November 6, 2007 at 14:36

    Ok, Cheetos in milk. Cheetos in Dew. But you forgot the part where you crush up half a dozen Vivarin and mix them in with the Dew. That my friend, is the chewy, crunchy wingnut cocktail that fuels them.

  10. John Protevi said,

    November 6, 2007 at 14:36

    Shorter Grampaw: Even if it really is funny, I’ll just say it isn’t! That’ll learn ‘em.

  11. Johnny Coelacanth said,

    November 6, 2007 at 14:57

    “Is there somewhere I can go to vote on whether or not this is, embarrassingly, exactly as lame-funny as Any Arbitrary “Satire” Post on DUmmie FUnnies?”

    Fuck you, Grampaw. Get off of my lawn.

  12. Michelle Malkin's Left Testicle said,

    November 6, 2007 at 15:03

    At least you don’t have my cheerleadiing video going on 24×7 in the background! (Or have you just not owned up to it yet?) Cheetos dust plays havoc when mixed with smegma!

  13. D. Sidhe said,

    November 6, 2007 at 15:07

    Cold Cheetos cereal? Man, this is like Sunday mornings at my place on those days when I’m still burning off the late-night ER migraine meds. And it’s two Vivarin and an eighth of a cup of cinnamon red hot candies in a can of warm Tab. Don’t you people know anything?

  14. lawnguylander said,

    November 6, 2007 at 15:27

    And here I was thinking you were just going through a phase but it seems you’re serious if you’ve gone so far as to give yourself a cheetos swirly. That’s how Tacky keeps his hair orange so I’m guessing he’s your sponsor. Let us know how it feels to know you’ll never get laid again and say hello to Bruce for us at the next convention.

  15. lame man said,

    November 6, 2007 at 15:45

    There, but for the grace of daily showering, a regular job, an apartment of my own, and an affinity for cheez-its instead of cheetos, go I …

  16. woobie said,

    November 6, 2007 at 15:51

    So, how many near empty milk jugs do you normally keep in your fridge?

  17. Legalize said,

    November 6, 2007 at 16:00

    Why do I have images of Jason Patrick and Jennifer Jason Leigh passing before my eyes? Must be the meth.

  18. Bullsmith said,

    November 6, 2007 at 16:14

    So many questions. Which Axe provides the best protection from unwanted female attention? What’s the maximum number of libruls you can humiliate on a single bag of cheetos.

    Important work. This kind of cutting edge experimentation is why the right has completely owned the issue of “so-called science”. (as opposed to regular science, which is clearly a communist plot.)

  19. Gary Ruppert said,

    November 6, 2007 at 16:19

    While you losercrats have been focusing on some internet election, you ignore the elections today.

    The Republicans will crush John Arthur Eaves in Mississippi, as Haley Barbour has bipartisan support.

    The Republicans will win big in New Jersey and Virginia. The GOP will retake the New Jersey Senate.

    The fact is that Ernie Fletcher will defeat liberal Steve Beshear. None of the polls have been accurate, because they oversample Democrats and a lot of Fletcher voters don’t want to tell pollsters their choice.

    In a classroom vote in Russell, Kentucky, Fletcher won 19-8. Russell is in Greenup county. We find that Fletcher lost Greenup County in 2003. Clearly Fletcher has a silent majority in small towns who reject Steve Beshear’s desire to destroy the 10 commandments.

    Ernie Fletcher will defeat Steve Beshear

  20. owlbear1 said,

    November 6, 2007 at 16:32

    Gary, ya almost had me right up until the moment you provided ‘evidence’ for your assertions.

    tut tut

    FAKE Gary…

  21. Marita said,

    November 6, 2007 at 16:36

    In one of the only funny things PJ Comix has ever written, he’s now speculating that someone who posted cheating advice on one of his DUFU threads was trying to frame him, and that that person is now using the cheating tactics against him.

    Sure dropped that “even though I’m losing, I’m winning” thing fast, huh? Anyone care to guess his next plan of attack?

  22. g said,

    November 6, 2007 at 16:38

    This is not a good development, Gavin. I fear what the future holds.

  23. mat said,

    November 6, 2007 at 16:41

    For what it’s worth, Cheetos make excellent bait for rat traps. Dip them in peanut butter and your rat hit rate goes up a tenfold.

  24. N.C. said,

    November 6, 2007 at 16:52

    The GOP will retake the New Jersey Senate.

    Once the conventional wisdom, but lately refuted.

    The Senate is currently 22 Democrats to 18 Republicans, and there’s really only one seat up for grabs (12th District, incumbent Ellen Karcher [D] vs. challenger Jennifer Beck [R]). It will be very surprising to see the Republicans actually gain 3 or more seats.

    The Assembly is even more pitched; the Republicans would have to win 10 seats, and there’s only a handful of competitive races.

    Sorry, fake-Gary!

  25. g said,

    November 6, 2007 at 16:55

    From Martia’s link:

    This silly award is meaningless, and a high-traffic site like SadlyNo was certain to win it over smaller sites, anyway.

    Those grapes were probably sour, anyway.

  26. lame man said,

    November 6, 2007 at 16:59

    Do you think “silly and meaningless” was part of his pitch to those hawt office receptionists that he was harassing inviting to join the fun?

  27. lame man said,

    November 6, 2007 at 17:00

    Dammit … picture, if you will, a strikethrough on “harassing.”

  28. D. Aristophanes said,

    November 6, 2007 at 17:07

    I mean, you *are* going to give us some way of letting you know how we feel about getting a five-minute high-school comedy-club routine in lieu of, as we might have been led to expect, an actual act of even semi-subversive internets-pranksterism, aren’t you? Yes?

    Grampaw says … IN THE FUCKING COMMENTS SECTION OF THIS INTERACTIVE BLOG MEDIUM THINGY … yeesh.

  29. Djur said,

    November 6, 2007 at 17:07

    From Marita’s link:

    But even for the loony left, the amount of emotion and angst in this thread is impressive. Just the time involved in all that typing! Wow.

    Apparently, he’s baffled by how quickly someone can type when they’re not hunt-and-pecking with one hand with the other in a bag of Cheetos.

  30. g said,

    November 6, 2007 at 17:11

    It’s also funny to see them equate “voting for another blog in an award contest” with “silencing political speech.”

    No wonder they get such a victim complex.

  31. Marita said,

    November 6, 2007 at 17:13

    I think I found their next strategy in this contest. This is from the comments of a Free Republic thread (which I am not linking), by someone called “rockrr” (or something like that).

    Haven’t you used the “We let you win” stratagem when arguing with the Dhimmis? The look of doubt and confusion is priceless!

    The cat is (sort of) out of the bag now, but I bet it’ll still work for a while. Try it, you’ll like it!

    Yeah, even if you weren’t posting it on a public forum, that would have really suckered a lot of people in. A guy who has been lobbying for finalist status since early in the year, who has been begging for votes on half of the blogosphere, would sneakily, at the last moment, let S,N! win.

    What a maroon.

  32. g said,

    November 6, 2007 at 17:16

    The look of doubt and confusion is priceless!

    Uh, how does one discern the “look” of something in a medium that exists almost completely as text?

  33. J— said,

    November 6, 2007 at 17:23

    Anyone care to guess his next plan of attack?

    Announce nomination was always the objective. Declare victory and go home, chest thumping and high-fiving along the way.

  34. Righteous Bubba said,

    November 6, 2007 at 17:28

    I ate a few dry, and then tried the Game Fuel. It smelled a bit like brake fluid, and also looked like brake fluid, but tasted more like if a hooker drank some brake fluid and then you ate a Maraschino cherry out of her ass.

    Those fucking energy drinks are all like that. I despair at the thought of ever having energy.

  35. Righteous Bubba said,

    November 6, 2007 at 17:30

    Okay, Cheeto bread pudding, for the more Churchillian wingnut.

  36. Johnny Coelacanth said,

    November 6, 2007 at 18:00

    That sound you hear is Gary Ruppert whistling past the graveyard.

    “Democrats Smell Victory in Kentucky Gov. Race
    Incumbent Governor Behind in Polls in Wake of First Term Scandal Statewide opinion surveys suggest Democrats have every right to be gleaming with hope ahead of the election. Some polls show Beshear ahead of Fletcher by more than 20 points.

    So, as usual, if Gary says it, assume the opposite and you can’t go wrong.

  37. Johnny Coelacanth said,

    November 6, 2007 at 18:01

    um, the missing link (and I don’t mean Gary): http://www.abcnews.go.com/Politics/story?id=3818486&page=1

  38. Notorious P.A.T. said,

    November 6, 2007 at 18:19

    A wingnut has formidable powers. Equal to any intellectual or moral challenge

    Eh, I wouldn’t say that. I would say, it is hard to swat a flea with a sledgehammer.

  39. wagonjak said,

    November 6, 2007 at 18:22

    Oh Gavin, you guys here write the most wonderful snarks on the planet, which is why you are clearly KICKING ASS in the funniest blog poll (I’ll go there and vote again this morning!). Especially liked this line…

    “It smelled a bit like brake fluid, and also looked like brake fluid, but tasted more like if a hooker drank some brake fluid and then you ate a Maraschino cherry out of her ass.”

  40. billy pilgrim said,

    November 6, 2007 at 18:27

    Actually, I think…. that could be the One True Gary.

    I mean, the use of evidence for his assertions is unusual, that’s true. But the ‘evidence’ is a CLASSROOM vote in a single county, from which he’s extrapolating gains throughout the state!! Hell, throughout more than one state! Now that’s some quality Gary, dammit!

  41. billy pilgrim said,

    November 6, 2007 at 18:37

    “It smelled a bit like brake fluid, and also looked like brake fluid, but tasted more like if a hooker drank some brake fluid and then you ate a Maraschino cherry out of her ass.”

    You say that like that’s a BAD thing.

  42. Doodle Bean said,

    November 6, 2007 at 18:38

    Thank you, brave Gav, for taking on this challenge. I most eagerly await the results!

    You see, I drink Diet Mountain Dew almost every day since it is the only caffeinated beverage to which I am not allergic (yes, my life just sucks).

    And, yesterday, I ate some cheese puffs. Granted, they were whole grain (Snyders) and they were not Cheetohs, but I am now living in fear.

    Please! Set my mind at ease by being all right.

    Thank you.

  43. Rightwingsnarkle said,

    November 6, 2007 at 18:39

    Don’t waste time pouring the Dew over the Cheetos – the essence is gone before the mixture touches your lips. Here’s how:

    - Jam several handfuls of Cheetos into your mouth. Don’t be shy, you’ll be surprised how many will actually fit.
    - Keep adding more Cheetos as you chew them into a salty, grainy paste of a color that does not exist in nature.
    - When you achieve the critical Cheetos mass vis your mastication, chug a big slurp of Dew. Your cheeks will puff out tightly, but that’s OK – that’s what you want. Keep your lips closed as best you can while you swish the mix around in your mouth. Some will leak out onto your shirt, but at some point no one will even notice.
    - Swallow. Hold it down – that’s important – until you can work up and release a really serious belch.
    - The burp is the key, the burp is the essence. It contains the magical mix that pilgrims have sought through the ages.

    The secret is now yours, young wingnut.

    Not that I’ve ever actually done this myself…

  44. Andy Axel said,

    November 6, 2007 at 18:50

    Ernie Fletcher will defeat Steve Beshear

    Love this prediction.

    Hey, Gary – been to blood-red Western Kentucky lately? I have.

    Lots and lots and lots and lots of Beshear signs.

    Wildcats don’t take kindly to having crooks in office (http://www.citizensforethics.org/node/23725):

    In May, Attorney General Greg Stumbo began investigating whether rank-and-file state jobs were being filled based on political affiliations rather than the merit of candidates, as the law requires.

    Since then, 14 current and former members of Fletcher’s administration have been indicted, most on misdemeanor violations of the Merit System law. In August, Fletcher pardoned the first nine who were indicted and said it covered any criminal activity in the administration that might be investigated by the grand jury.

    Among those to be indicted and pardoned was former Kenton County Judge-Executive Dick Murgatroyd, who served as Fletcher’s deputy chief of staff. He later was among nine indicted officials who Fletcher asked to resign.

  45. stryx said,

    November 6, 2007 at 18:51

    Wouldn’t now be the right time to bust out a campaign of LOLcons?

    Please? I’m sure our new friends would enjoy it.

    [Game Fuel & Cheetoes] DO NOT WANT

  46. AkaDad said,

    November 6, 2007 at 18:56

    When a wingnut dies, I bet the coroner gets a kick out of his orange-tinted penis…

  47. tb said,

    November 6, 2007 at 19:01

    I did not need to see that. What possible purpose was there in posting the picture of the Cheetos in the toilet? I could’ve guessed what it looks like when a wingnut shits if I had the slightest interest.

    The picture of the hand pouring Mountain Dew over the Cheetos, however, is sublime; the purest metaphor yet for the intellectual/physical workings of the wingnut mind.

  48. Lawnguylander said,

    November 6, 2007 at 19:02

    The look of doubt and confusion is priceless!

    Uh, how does one discern the “look” of something in a medium that exists almost completely as text?

    Well, when the sun starts leaking through the basement windows and the light hits the monitor just right your agorphobic wingnut will catch his reflection in the monitor. Usually this leads to hissing noises and a few tentative swipes at the screen. When that doesn’t scare the image away he retreas to the laundry room for several hours of curling up behind the dryer in the fetal position until the blood cheeto levels get dangerously low.

  49. lame man said,

    November 6, 2007 at 19:03

    Could this have been the chemical combination that turned jeckyll into hyde?

  50. gbear said,

    November 6, 2007 at 19:12

    tb, the interesting and unusual scientific aspect of Cheetos in a toilet is that no amount of flushing can make them go down the drain. It’s like trying to flush a bubble.

  51. Typical Republican said,

    November 6, 2007 at 19:13

    So, it’s OK for you to criticize PJ Comix, but it’s not OK for him to criticize some America-hating campaign reformer activist who was well known for getting all his money through scams with a Democrat fundraiser who was well known for shady fundrasing because of the persistance from conservatvives in saying over and over she was crooked.

    Such hypocrites!

    And next you’ll be pulling that old chestnut about conservatives and their straw man arguments. Well, I don’t even know what a starw man arguemnt is! So how could I be using one?

    You just got pwned! Twice!

    Liberals. Hmf. Powerless in the face of conservative argumentation fueled by Cheetos and Mountain Dew. (I prefer the Baja Blast variety.)

  52. Lesley said,

    November 6, 2007 at 19:15

    Here’s the latest wingnut take on PJ losing the battle:

    This completely meaningless award has been a running joke at the DUmmieFUnnies for years. The entire campaign to “win” was rather obviously completely tongue-in-cheek.

    I realize that liberals tend to be humorless and grim, so let me clue you in explicitly on a couple other bits of humor that you probably shouldn’t get excited about: PJ isn’t really from another dimension; he is not really dating Petra Verkaik (although he likely wishes he was; he isn’t really hoping for a book deal with Mary Matalin as co-author.

    These are called “jokes.” Arguably feeble ones, but “jokes” nonetheless. If the term is unfamiliar, please look it up.

    This award was a gag. Obviously. The fact that he actually got votes made it funnier. He never should have had a chance against much higher traffic sites.

    What he actually wanted to “win” was exactly one thing: to get your attention. In that, he’ s succeeded beyond his wildest dreams.

    He already has won. You’ve already lost. You handed him the only award he ever could have cared about. Best of all, you’ve helped him do what he loves most: make you look laughably silly, for the entertainment of us all.

    And for that all thank you. Enormously. ;D

    It’s a new twist on sore loser.

  53. bago said,

    November 6, 2007 at 19:29

    Some motherfucking fucktards need to drown a few times, and perhaps have some friends of theirs senslessly murdered. Then they might begin to understand the stakes they are playing for.

    At some point in my development I decided that I should take on the model of a world wearied traveller, and experience the extremes of life for myself. The fun parts involving sex drugs and rock and roll were voluntary, the tragic parts involving mass murder, suicide and war were not. However with this holistic data collection method one can truly see what matters.

    When you are drowning the only thing that matters is air. You would sell out your own brother for a gasp of air. The relief you feel when you hork out the gallons of water in your lungs in exchange for the sweet precious air is testament to the barbarity of this administration.

    For anyone who understands what life is this casual attitude is rather like a red hot poker being wormed around your asshole. It burns you to the core. It makes you a bit of a violent reactionary until you realize this is the animus that created the situation in the first place.

    And then you feel guilt. Well, if you are human anyways. And apologists for this sick vile and despicable act can suck it.

  54. Candy said,

    November 6, 2007 at 19:31

    Before I checked in to see what was up with the Sadlies, I was eagerly looking forward to lunch. Now I’m going to put lunch off until such a time as I can get those horrible pictures out of my head. Well, I’ve been meaning to start a somewhat austere diet plan in anticipation of the holidays – I’ve done this for years, and although nutritionists don’t recommend losing weight in anticipation of binge eating and drinking to come, I certainly recommend it as it works for me! – and I guess there’s no time like the present.

    Sadly No as diet aid. I dig it.

  55. Hoosier X said,

    November 6, 2007 at 19:34

    liberals tend to be humorless and grim,

    Maybe we didn’t realize it was a joke because it wasn’t funny.

    Conservative are always saying batshit crazy things, like the terrorists should have blown up the NY Times building, and let’s poison the creme brule (whatever that is) of a Supreme Court Justice nominated by a Republican, and I hope the terrorists target San Francsico because the city council voted a resolution against the war, or (insert link to random Mallard Fillmore comic here). Then they have to explain it was all a joke because nobody realized there was a joke in there. Conservatives don’t seem to get the part that jokes are supposed to be funny.

    So when no one laughs, do they take any personal responsibility? Could the fault be theirs, ever?

    No, as usual, they blame somebody else. All the people who aren’t laughing are now the extreme left (as in every case where the majority of the people don’t agree with them), and the reason is that liberals are grim and humorless.

    Despite mounds of evidence to the contrary. (Again, as usual.)

  56. K. Ron Silkwood said,

    November 6, 2007 at 19:41

    This experiment is terribly unwise. I am very afraid. You have no idea what chain reaction your meddling may cause. You could become Lord Shiva, Destroyer of Worlds.

  57. Kathleen said,

    November 6, 2007 at 19:42

    Gavin, I am sure that Rachael Ray has some recipes that can help you through Part III.

  58. Kathleen said,

    November 6, 2007 at 19:43

    Sadly No as diet aid. I dig it.

    word. I am going to have a nice cup of tea, perhaps do a little yoga. Consider eating in 2008.

  59. bago said,

    November 6, 2007 at 19:43

    Sorry if some of us think that putting holes in people is slightly more important that putting things in holes in people.

    First principals and all.

  60. SamFromUtah said,

    November 6, 2007 at 19:50

    Shorter PJ: Conservative humor cannot fail. It can only be failed.

  61. a different brad said,

    November 6, 2007 at 19:51

    Lesley quoted just the comment I was going to.
    They’re declaring Mission Accomplished. Self-awareness truly is alien to the wingnut mind.

    I also love the whole “you used words to make sentences to argue against us/heckle us, therefore you care more than we do and we win” argument. Not for the inherent hypocrisy of it, but because it reveals someone who has to spend five minutes to craft a complete sentence.

  62. a different brad said,

    November 6, 2007 at 19:53

    Oh, and Gavin, get some acidophilus. You’ll need it.

  63. Doodle Bean said,

    November 6, 2007 at 19:58

    Re: PJ:

    Hmmmm… Wingnuts moving the goalposts. How very, very surprising!

  64. Snorghagen said,

    November 6, 2007 at 20:03

    He already has won. You’ve already lost.

    Jesus, what a performance.

    Others have said this before, but I can’t resist chiming in – normally I wouldn’t care one way or the other about the award, but humiliating this scumbag and his supporters is proving to be a real pleasure.

    Cheetos dust plays havoc when mixed with smegma!

    You know, that’s something I never really thought about before.

  65. Hubert Davis said,

    November 6, 2007 at 20:04

    Gavin,

    You are in so much trouble.

    Cheetos in the toilet? That’s a hate crime, according to *many* wingnuts.

    I don’t envy you for the shit storm you are about to endure.

  66. islmfaoscist said,

    November 6, 2007 at 20:05

    Announce nomination was always the objective. Declare victory and go home, chest thumping and high-fiving along the way.

    “Although I lost by the slimmest margin in web award history—only 10 votes—I have chosen not to put the country through another agonizing Supreme Court battle,” PJ said Monday in a statement. “It is time for this nation to heal.”

  67. owlbear1 said,

    November 6, 2007 at 20:13

    So PJ’s latest is “I meant to do that!”?

  68. Hoosier X said,

    November 6, 2007 at 20:13

    So, if PJ Comix had won the Weblog Funniest Blog award, would he have publicly admitted he failed? Or would he be gloating about Sadly, No having to suck it?

    Or is this one of those oh-so-typical-and-so-tedious situations where assholes keep changing the rules? Like, since there were no more attacks on the WTC, it means that Bush’s “strategy” is working? But we need another major attack so that everyone will know that this is serious and we need to have the Republicans in charge?

    Or, there was no way the Bush Administration could have done anything to stop 9-11, but it’s Clinton’s fault because HE should have known all about it even he though he left office nine months before it happened?

    Conservatism is perfect for people who don’t care about anything except being right, damn the consequences to the country, the world, and their own souls.

  69. Typical Republican said,

    November 6, 2007 at 20:19

    Oh, so now the oh-so-politically-correct crowd is showing prejudice against Cheetos, Muntain Dew and people who eat them. And threatening hate crimes against snack food!

    Isn’t that just like the hypocritical left?

    I thought lieberals were all for equal treatment of everything, including snack foods?

    But no, the shrill, unhinged America-hatting crowd that hates America, loves illegal IslamoMexihomofascists and has Bush Derangement Syndrome and wants America to look bad by pulling out of the Middle East just minutes before it becomes a democratic paradise, is showing its true colors.

    Get a clue, hippies!

    Liberals. Hmf.

  70. Kevin Bacon Holding A Short Roll Of Playdoh said,

    November 6, 2007 at 20:22

    PJ-Comix Says: Ha! The whole point was to get attention!

    The Sane World Says: Maybe, but regardless of that, the result still stands; considerably more people were prepared to vote against you than for you… Indeed, your own personal results, once your personal character was truly revealed tally remarkably well with the current support for your beloved President now that the whole country can see his true nature as well; both remain stuck around the 20-25% mark. So it’s surprisingly accurate, isn’t it? Or, to put it in a way you might understand, PJ-Comix just got owned;

    http://www.pj-comix.justgotowned.com/

    PJ-Comix Says: Ha! Gotchya! Look at how much effort you put into that webpage! *does high-fiveing, ball-drop summoning dance*

    The Sane World Says; Actually it’s a dynamic URL. My contribution only went as far as substituting your name.

    PJ-Comix Says: Well, er, gulp, if I shift my goalposts over here then…!

  71. I once saw a Canadian band play BETH while the drummer shoved a salmon salad sammich up his ass at the Highwood Music Festival in 1993. said,

    November 6, 2007 at 20:31

    Justgotowned = LOLzerz!

  72. ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,

    November 6, 2007 at 20:33

    The Republicans will win big in New Jersey and Virginia. The GOP will retake the New Jersey Senate.

    This might have been fake Gary today, but I believe this was a real Gary prediction for 2006.

  73. bago said,

    November 6, 2007 at 20:40

    Echoed in the background:

    I cannot go through this again.

    The call of all of us hat have experienced loss and are dealing with metaphoric wankers.

  74. bago said,

    November 6, 2007 at 20:40

    that.

  75. Really, I did. said,

    November 6, 2007 at 20:40

    Moving goalposts are the only effective weapon the right has. (Take the invasion of Iraq, for instance.)

    PJ is just doing his job and toe-ing the party line.

  76. Legalize said,

    November 6, 2007 at 20:42

    “Or is this one of those oh-so-typical-and-so-tedious situations where assholes keep changing the rules?”

    Isn’t this the fundamental basis of the reich-tard-o-sphere?

  77. zsa said,

    November 6, 2007 at 20:45

    This is like when Darth Vader fights Obiwan, and just as Vader is striking the final blow, Obiwan disappears.

    It’s not that he got his ass handed to him. No … he’s, like, all meta and stuff.

    Liberals just wouldn’t understand it because they’re, you know, evil.

  78. Kern, the mighty fisker said,

    November 6, 2007 at 20:47

    i’ve been “looking” at those photos.

    1. cheetos bag has shadow coming from left to right. ring light? KCR-560 Hasselblad does this, but can’t be bought anywhere but northern pakistan.

    2. mountain dew color is communist red, whereas the mountain dew that i have is green.

    3. i just, pissed, into my mountain dew bottle rather… than get up to go to the bathroom. MOONBAT TAKEDOWNS MORE IMPORTANT THAN PERSONAL HYGIENE’

    4. daily kos.

    6. medical doctor referenced above! NOT A MD AN DOCTOR EITHER!!! i don’t know where i learend but here is a link!http://maritac.blogspot.com/

    20. so thirsty. this mountain dew bottle is full. that’s strange. i remember drinking it all earlier. just a quick chug and on to mug disinformation.

    21. malkin just linked to this!

    22. liberal wapo liberal reporter howie kurtz’…,!! agrees that malkin agrees with instapundits”’ takedown of evyerone here and ROBERT FISK WAS NEVER EVEN IN AL-ANON, i checked with someone just now.

  79. owlbear1 said,

    November 6, 2007 at 20:48

    Shorte PJ apologist: “HAHA PJ totally humiliated himself for attention!!!” HE WINS!!!”

  80. ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,

    November 6, 2007 at 21:02

    I just voted for Ace of Spades in “best” conservative blog. Why should a manly He-Man like ace lose out to some bacon&playdoh wieldin’ cheerleader?

  81. J— said,

    November 6, 2007 at 21:04

    So PJ’s latest is “I meant to do that!”?

    Now with audio!

  82. J— said,

    November 6, 2007 at 21:09

    Oops. Go here and then click on “Meant to” if you really, really want to hear Pee Wee.

  83. Mehitabel the Abyssinian said,

    November 6, 2007 at 21:29

    The cat is (sort of) out of the bag now
    It was my own idea to get into that bag. Ha, pwned you.

  84. Johnny Coelacanth said,

    November 6, 2007 at 21:51

    Funny, Mr. “It means nothing to me” has the maximum-sized icon for 2007 Weblog Awards Finalist on his main page. Twice. Yeah, PJ, those grapes aren’t just sour, they taste like fail. Good thing you never, ever wanted them.

  85. MrSparkle said,

    November 6, 2007 at 22:03

    Dammit Gavin! You don’t have to do this, man! You’re destroying your body for no discernable reason. Can’t you try to get Morgan Spurlock to somehow do an episode of “30 Days” on this shit? At least he’s resilient, considering he nearly killed himself to expose the shit McDonalds shoves at its customers. But there isn’t anything nutritional in Cheetos or Mountain Dew, it’s just a quick fix here and there and next thing you know you’re blowing people in the street for a 20 oz. bottle of Code Red. Don’t destroy yourself just to one-up some FReeper in an e-peen measuring contest, man!

  86. Wingnuts Anonymous Founder said,

    November 6, 2007 at 22:09

    “next thing you know you’re blowing people in the street for a 20 oz. bottle of Code Red.”

    I never blow anybody for less than a two-liter. I still have my dignity. Oh yeah, and Reagan died for your sins.

  87. zsa said,

    November 6, 2007 at 22:29

    next thing you know you’re blowing people in the street

    Not in public, for chrissakes, get a stall …

  88. zsa said,

    November 6, 2007 at 22:31

    Wait … did you say a 20 oz. bottle of Code Red?

    Well then …

  89. Some Guy said,

    November 6, 2007 at 23:02

    Dude, +5 for the Daws Butler reference.

    Well, the experiment does seem to be working, as S,N! is absolutely trouncing DUFUS in the polling. However, there are still three days left in the voting, so in order to secure victory, I think you need to kick it up a notch.

    I’m thinking “blender”….

  90. tb said,

    November 6, 2007 at 23:08

    tb, the interesting and unusual scientific aspect of Cheetos in a toilet is that no amount of flushing can make them go down the drain. It’s like trying to flush a bubble.

    Gaaahhhh more stuff I don’t want to know. And ‘scientific’ my ass- you’re just trying to make us all sick by forcing us to visualize flushing that disgusting mixture of Cheetos and milk.

  91. RandomObserver said,

    November 6, 2007 at 23:08

    It’s a new twist on sore loser.

    Sadly No, it’s not a new twist at all, it’s standard troll behavior. Make some stupid point, then when everyone realizes what an idiot you are say “I just like to get you people riled up! That’s the only reason I said those things! I win!”

    That shit was brand-spanking new and innovative in 1993.

  92. Gavin M. said,

    November 6, 2007 at 23:32

    Gaaahhhh more stuff I don’t want to know. And ’scientific’ my ass- you’re just trying to make us all sick by forcing us to visualize flushing that disgusting mixture of Cheetos and milk.

    It’s actually true. Four flushes later, there were still Cheetos bobbing around in the bowl.

    There might still be some there.

  93. J— said,

    November 6, 2007 at 23:43

    Ace is in the lead. Go Ace!

  94. Hubert Davis said,

    November 7, 2007 at 0:12

    In case you want to see how unfunny the beaver was, i hastily threw together this PJBOT. No blogwhoring here, nothing else to see on the site this is hosted. Just going for a cheap snicker. You won’t get a full laugh. Type or paste a few sentences in the text box and hit the dufusize button.

    My apologies if you don’t even get a half snicker.

    PJBot 1.0

  95. Caveat said,

    November 7, 2007 at 0:45

    LMAO! At first, I was surprised that you went for Yahoo! Mountain Dew! instead of Bawls.

    Then I realized these are low-rent loners – Henckel Trocken not The Widow, Genessee not Oly Gold, RC Cola not Coke.

  96. Doodle Bean said,

    November 7, 2007 at 0:47

    ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®©,

    Voting for Ace is a good idea! I just looked at the choices in that category and had to back out before I gagged.

    But at least Ace is local. I could justify it that way… Plus, how fun has the whole Playdoh and Bacon thing been, anyway?

    We owe him one for that. O.K. I’ll hold my nose and do it. Take care of my cats if I don’t make it back out!

  97. Lesley said,

    November 7, 2007 at 0:48

    You guys could write Cheetos for Dummies or How I Gave Up Cheetos and Resumed Being Human

    Just call it a twelve-step program.

  98. Doodle Bean said,

    November 7, 2007 at 0:50

    Gaaaaaaahhhhhh!!

    I made it back out and now all I have to do is go to my happy place…

    He’s a local. He’s a local. He’s a local. He’s a local.

    whimper

  99. Lesley said,

    November 7, 2007 at 1:00

    I’ll tell you something, the Cheetos in the toilet image has me off junk food forever. It’s too gross to think about. (Those orange things could be taken for wingnut feces.)

  100. R. V. Dump said,

    November 7, 2007 at 2:05

    Gavin –

    I think the secret combination is bacon and Cheetoh.

  101. ignobility said,

    November 7, 2007 at 2:19

    (With a priceless look of doubt and confusion), uh, is there a contest or something?

  102. isaac said,

    November 7, 2007 at 2:56

    this truly is the funniest site on the web… bravo sir, bravo

  103. gbear said,

    November 7, 2007 at 3:11

    “It’s actually true. Four flushes later, there were still Cheetos bobbing around in the bowl. There might still be some there.”

    OH NO! PLEASE believe me when I say I didn’t know that. I was just….speculating. I was….joking. I didn’t know. Oh please….please….i didn’t…

  104. john kaltenbrunner said,

    November 7, 2007 at 3:18

    Forgive my ignorance, but can someone please explain the origin of the “Wingnuts love Cheetos” joke?

    I Googled “wingnuts Cheetos” and while the results were suitably hilarious, they didn’t answer the question…

    Thanks in advance.

  105. Righteous Bubba said,

    November 7, 2007 at 3:22

    Forgive my ignorance, but can someone please explain the origin of the “Wingnuts love Cheetos” joke?

    A WINGNUT ISSUE#1!1!!! origin story would be a good companion to Gavin’s Appalling Adventure.

  106. Kathleen said,

    November 7, 2007 at 4:08

    1 In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.
    2 And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters.
    3 And God said, Let there be light: and there was light.
    4 And God saw the light, that it was good: and God divided the light from the darkness.
    5 And God called the light Cheetos, and the darkness he called No Cheeto. And the evening and the morning were the first day…..

  107. neurophius said,

    November 7, 2007 at 6:24

    Although you are brave to attempt the Cheeto Lifestyle, “food” alone will not suffice. You need an appropriate soundtrack. Have you listened to any Britney Spears lately?

  108. Arky said,

    November 7, 2007 at 7:40

    Uh, how does one discern the “look” of something in a medium that exists almost completely as text?

    The same way one discerns the totally obvious and imminent victory in Iraq: Make it up.

    Have you listened to any Britney Spears lately?

    Please warn me if there’s going to be a demonstration of how WingNuts listen to Spears. The pictures with this post are hilarious. Orange stained fingers with nails bitten to the quick yanking on a flab-shadowed penis that bears a striking resemblance to a Vienna wiener, not so much.

  109. Ron Mexico's Dog said,

    November 7, 2007 at 8:34

    A WINGNUT ISSUE#1!1!!! origin story would be a good companion to Gavin’s Appalling Adventure.

    I sense a Keyboard Kommandos Komic (or graphic novel, sales would go through the roof) in the near future.

  110. Sadly, No! » Blaaargh (Snort)! said,

    November 10, 2007 at 17:08

    [...] the results of our terrible experiment are [...]

  111. Sadly, No! » Gavin, Don’t Eat It (Part III Of III) said,

    November 16, 2007 at 19:35

    [...] of our experiment. It is a terrible and shame-wracked story, the earlier episodes of which are here and more previously here, as well as possibly also here. This is the tragic [...]

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