In the first installment, we explained why we had to risk this experiment.
A wingnut has formidable powers. Equal to any intellectual or moral challenge, he prevails through wrongness and bwaa-haaing. Attacks on him are turned magically against the attacker, or against a hapless bystander. He doesn’t get embarrassed or feel shame, or have to exercise or change his clothes like regular people. If a woman, he is protected from ridicule by hordes of angry male wingnuts; if a man, protected from sexual interest by an aroma of feet and hot dogs. The male’s characteristic face mullet isolates the mouth from the rest of the visage, giving the effect of a ventriloquist’s dummy where the ventriloquist is any of several AM talk-radio personalities or Daws Butler characters. While physical attacks are -3, spells such as Befuddle and Whine at Unfairness are 9 and above to hit, 5d4 damage.
However, with great power comes great responsibility, as someone once said in some comic book, perhaps The Amazing Spider-Man during the Gil Kane years. And this was just one of many popular expressions that were not being thought by me as I obtained the Cheetos, and next secured a quantity of the reagent. I would be performing this experiment under the supervision of a doctor,* whose clinical notes are interspersed below in italics.
suggest physical activity, failed evaluation
Prior to commencement of testing, subject presented as a normal, healthy male of average height and build. Subject’s attention span and cognitive function were normal, and healthy levels of empathy and compassion were demonstrated. Subject scored particularly well on the Jon’-Grogan Punctuation Battery, and skewed strongly to the ‘puller’ extreme of the Daubenmire Pasta Continuum All physical metrics are normal, and subject is deemed physically and emotionally fit for the testing to follow.
There were no instructions on any of the labels, so it wasn’t clear how these items were to be prepared. Were Cheetos edible, as they seemed to be, or were they a rub or poultice? They looked a bit like styrofoam peanuts, especially the ones that looked like Cheez Doodles. Both kinds looked like they’d be difficult to swallow, but then again so is this, so there you go.
coffee residue in it
I found what seemed an appropriate mug for the Dew, and arranged the Cheetos in the vessel commonly held as appropriate to their consumption. I ate a few dry, and then tried the Game Fuel. It smelled a bit like brake fluid, and also looked like brake fluid, but tasted more like if a hooker drank some brake fluid and then you ate a Maraschino cherry out of her ass. The Cheetos started off salty, moved quickly to a lactic umami sort of flavor, and finished by tasting like Cap’n Crunch, equally the dandruff-shouldered hacker and the breakfast cereal.
The aftertaste was like a heartbreaking absence of another Cheeto. I fought the pull of all the world’s Cheetos yet uneaten by me, and went to the Internet to see what new kinds of dumbness and defeatism the dopey Dhimmicrats were devising, blar.
Subject is displaying increased agitation and a propensity to pore over news sources, questioning the veracity of every photograph and news item. Subject’s clothing has been soiled with orange residue, and is emitting the odor of perspiration mingled with Axe body spray. Scores on the Treviño Integrity Inventory are beginning to decline, and intelligence as measured by the Noonan Aptitude Test is suffering as well. A Horowitz Assessment of blame transference was planned, but given the current condition of the subject, this may be unadvisable due to the risk to others. Subject will be closely monitored for further degeneration.
Cheetos are fine and good, I knew in every molecule of every cell. And yet, there had to be more to life than chasing the dragon from one sip of Dew to another sip of Dew, from one Cheeto to the next. What I needed was to catch that dragon.
Above: The less said about this experiment, the better.
Above: Woo, this is more what we’re talking about, bwaha (snort).
[Continued in Part III]
‘Don’t Eat It’ concept created by Steven at The Sneeze.