I, Swankius
With all the trifles that’ve been typhooning around lately, we’ve been neglecting our core business of starting blog fights and making fun of Pastor Swank.
Here’s Matt Yglesias:
Since I don’t like Radiohead very much, I think we can pretty safely say that without the “name your own price” gimmick I wouldn’t have bought In Rainbows. But given the gimmick I did buy it and I . . . still think they’re “okay” at best. Which would be fine, except they have this legion of super-devoted fans who sometimes make me want to stake out bolder “Radiohead Sucks!” kind of claims.
Right, whereas The Arcade Fire reminded young Ivy League professionals of those way-out kids at Bard and Vassar, and were therefore a band of great relevance. Only here was the thing: They were not only Canadian, but even had marimbas and an organ-grindy device. I say, fellows: At last a Jonathan Fire*Eater that lived up to the hype.
Actually, I’m not all that excited about Radiohead either — although I totally think Tex Haper is due for a comeback. With that accomplished, here’s the latest from Pastor Swank:
U.S. Senate Chaplain: USA Collapse As Rome
Grant Swank
October 10, 2007It’s makes moral sense and is frightening.
So far it’s makes no grammatical sense, and is only off-putting. Then again, we’re still only one sentence in.
“U.S. Senate Chaplain Barry Black says the United States, like past great civilizations such as the Roman Empire, could collapse due to a decline in family values, a decline in religion, a preoccupation with pleasure and overspending on militarism,” per AP.
This twenty-dollar bill says that the good Pastor will make it through the rest of the column without exploring the ‘overspending on militarism’ part of Chaplain Black’s statement. Any takers?
Black offered biblical warnings when he delivers an address such as put to the Montana Faith Community Impact Summit in Kalispell, Montana.
Black is, in fact, so impactful that he be change verb tense at whim.
He is forthright while ethically on balance with Scripture.
Let’s try to get this syntactical construction down. It seems to go like this:
[Pronoun] is [quality] while [adverb] on [noun] with [book title]
She is parsimonious while gleefully on bicycle with Joy of Cooking.
Above: Feel free to try your own!
All the while theological liberals enhance the fall of America with their defense of immoral issues such as homosexual lifestyles divinely blessed and killing womb infants.
And also the spending excessive on armies military, no? Okay, forty bucks — who’s in?
Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton, for instance, profess to be religious and boast of their denominational affiliations, the former with the United Church of Christ (Congregational) and the latter with the United Methodist Church. Yet both endorse slaying the unborn and active homosexual relations.
Slaying the unicorn, well, fine. But ‘active homosexual relations’ sort of privileges the pitcher over the catcher, if you know what I’m saying.
These politicians plus the apostate clergy and laity contribute to the nation’s collapse.
As Black defended the Judeo-Christian ethic, there were others throughout the nation working hard to create a totally secularized society. That would mean replacing God with man-made religion, such going on aggressively within such denominations as the Episcopal Church, United Church of Christ (Congregational), and Unitarian Universalist Society.
Or like the Church of the Robot Jesus, with that Jesus of theirs that looks 100% like a normal regular one, except he has light bulbs for ears that flash on and off when he talks. And then one day you’re like “Hey, hold on just one cotton-pickin’ minute here!” when he starts talking about Darwin and the Ark — and you realize he was not only a robot the whole time, but a man-made one to boot.
But especially the Unitarians with their invisible physics-god that doesn’t even have a beard.
Would that evangelicals could resurrect the Black warnings to ward off liberals within the United Methodist Church, United Presbyterian Church (USA), American Baptist Convention, and Evangelical Lutheran Church of America.
Hey, let’s think big here. Would that resurrected Evangelicals could ward off the black Baptists! One chorus of Go Rest High On That Mountain, and graaah! Zombie fundies come popping out from under the pews!
This wouldn’t happen with the Lutherans though, because unlike Baptists, they go straight to Hell when they die, and also don’t have any non-white members. The Presbyterians have three, but one of them only shows up for weddings and the occasional Easter.
Ah, ecumenicalism! We are all as brothers and sisters under Christ.
Let’s see who else Swank wants to exclude:
“The Senate chaplain said ‘God has to be the foundation’ for social progress and justice.
“He said, ‘Solutions have to have that transcendence, that ethical force’ they had during the 1960s civil rights movement for racial equality.”
When Black speaks of “God,” it is not just any deity. It must be the God of the Bible, the God of our country’s Judeo-Christian backdrop.
I.e., the God that looks like George Burns, not the one that looks like Alanis Morissette.
Recently President Bush was asked by a Muslim if Mr. Bush believed that Muslims praying to God could be heard. He responded that he believes persons of any religion will find favor with God.
Mr. Bush is incorrect. As a daily-Bible-reading individual who has witnessed to Christ as personal Savior, Mr. Bush should know better than to make such a statement.
Bush incorrect? Why, this is indeed a topsy-turvy world where nothing is as it seems.
The media picked up on it and now the whole world reads his words as “gospel truth.”
Because George Bush is so popular throughout the world that even foreigners believe his every utterance.
God honors the prayers of the genuinely repentant, regardless of their religion, that is, if they repent of their sins to Christ the Savior. Otherwise, the prayers of the so-called religious outside Christ are not honored by the God of Scripture.
In other words, you can practice any religion you like, as long as it’s Christian. Except for all those other denominations of Christianity that refuse to kick out the liberals and homos.
America must return to God’s Word, starting with confessing sins to Christ and then living the dedicated Christian life. Only this will renew America’s soul. If this does not occur, the nation is in dire peril of collapse, just as the Senate Chaplain cautioned.
Hang on a sec, something’s missing here.
[several bars of Jeopardy theme]
Oh right, “overspending on militarism.”
OK, some snippets of Pastor Swank have to go into the Stupidfilter corpus.
http://stupidfilter.org/wiki/
I’m shocked that he didn’t do the creationists quote-scissor-shuffle with it…
Ah, yes. It’s a little-known fact that Rome fell soon after abandoning Christianity for secularism.
our country’s Judeo-Christian backdrop
It’s part of the decline in our decorating, for sure. I mean really, we couldn’t even splurge on the Judeo-Christian paneling?
At last a Jonathan Fire*Eater that lived up to the hype.
Ha ha! I’m 82 years old, and even I get that one! Or maybe because.
Excellent as always (and great photo) however Barry Black is full of it too (except for the overspending on militarism part). The amusing depravity of the Julio Claudian emperors did not cause the fall of Rome as it immediately preceded centuries of Roman dominance of Europe. Rome lost it when it turned back to religion (especially new weird cults like Mithraism and Christianity).
The Roman empire was still going strong when Constantine converted. Then Rome itself became almost irrelevant to the once Roman empire and was effectively abandoned.
Perhaps I am too harsh on Constantine. The emperor who really caused the fall of the Roman empire *in the West* was Theodosius who split the empire between his two sons dooming the West. He also banned all religions other than Christianity. The evidence is overwhelming. The Roman empire wasn’t destroyed by depraved lapsed Pagans (it did fine). The Roman empire wasn’t destroyed by Christians. The Roman empire was destroyed by intolerant Christians (and the effects of overspending on militarism on the economy). No serious historian contests this claim (originally due to this guy named Gibbon who wrote a rather long book on the subject).
This brings me to the best established hypothesis in the social sciences. The Romans had a theory that they won wars because the gods were on their side. They felt that so long as they performed traditional Pagan rituals they were fine. After converting Constantine as Pontifex Maximus ordered Romans to keep up the Pagan rituals then moved to Constantinople. For centuries Romans ruled and performed these rituals. Theodosius banned them from performing the traditional rites. Rome was sacked within 30 years. Sure it was just a coincidence suuuuuure.
What the? So the untenable spread of the Roman Empire had nothing to do with its downfall? Oh, I understand, its failure to preemptively adopt Christianity must have been the actual cause. Or something.
womb infants.
Is that what the kids are calling it these days?
That someone as pathetically verbally and morally challenged as this man is Chaplain for the Senate is frightening…
I guess he’s never heard of an editor….
…laity…
Hey, hey, dude look like a laity!…
U.S. Senate Chaplain Barry Black
Hmm. I guess Eric Bachman’s post-Archers career isn’t working out so well.
Infants don’t belong in wombs. I will not stand for people shoving infants back up into the vagina.
Is there any term in the English language more disingenuous than “Judeo-Christian?” Even Pastor “The Jews caused the Holocaust by killing Jesus” Swank tosses it around. I mean, if EPISCOPALIANS are dooming America to damnation, am I really supposed to believe he’s cool with the ‘Brews all of a sudden?
Anyone else notice this? “He said, ‘Solutions have to have that transcendence, that ethical force’… I mean, I’m assuming that’s a direct quote, right? How is it that it appears to be written in Swank-ese? Does he actually translate quotes from others into his own stilted dialect?
our country’s Judeo-Christian backdrop
It’s only a model…
So who made Pastor Swank’s god? Santa Claus?
YAAAY!, back to Swank. I’ve missed these laughs… things have been a bit too grim lately.
Run out of town, slain, and then threatened? I’m reminded of Blazing Saddles with it’s line about “…women stampeded, and cattle raped…”
They both support killing unborn, homosexuals, but only those that actively practice the lifestyle? That would seem to be an unenforcable position, but OK… wait, was there supposed to be punctuation in there somewhere?
I like Swank’s work: he’s crazy, but mostly harmless.
Jon H, you owe me a monitor and a cup of coffee.
It is stinky while happily on The Fountainhead?
was there supposed to be punctuation in there somewhere?
One would think so. Swank must have loaned his punctuation to McArdle. Or somebody.
They is shiny while cagely on “The History of the Wars of New-England with the Eastern Indians, or a Narrative of Their Continued Perfidy and Cruelty, From the 10th of August, 1703, To the Peace renewed 13th of July, 1713, And from the 25th of July, 1722, To their Submission 15th December, 1725, Which was ratified August 5th, 1726m” (By Samuel Penhallow)?
Dammit, Waldman, stole my gag (decline in worship o’ Jupiter felled the Western Roman Empire).
But don’t forget some of them what invaded (and dismantled) the Western Empire was Christians! Prolly the wrong kind as they thunk that Jesus were not everlasting, but made by the Holy Spirit’s semen, the fools! But if they were wrong, why’d they win?!
And didn’t the most Christianized part of the Empire hang on, more or less, for about a millennium after Rome went down? And weren’t those Orthodox Christians? And don’t that prove that the Western variants were all wrong?
And speaking of the Eastern part of the Empire and Judeo-Christian-ness. Man, them Romans sure loved them some Jews, no?
[And Jesus, and Archers of Loaf reference?!]
I think that converting crazy rightwing blogposts into Mad Libs (Libs! Get it?) might be the most brilliant idea of our generation.
Speaking of other wingnuts, Little Debbie is all in a snit because the Empire State Building, which lights up for Hanukkah and Christmas, will be green for the Muslim holiday Eid. And it’s all Little Debbie’s 9-year old cousin’s fault:
http://www.debbieschlussel.com/archives/2007/10/my_cousin_mallo.html
Nuff Ced!
Aww, crap, I left out the noun. Two times. Well, to make up for it, I’ll work in a Japanese analog to the Good Pastor:
It is spiffy while distractedly on throne with How to Good-Bye Depression: If You Constrict Anus 100 Times Everyday. Malarkey? or Effective Way?*
*(by Hiroyuki Nishigaki)
If there is a God, Pastor Swank will meet his maker in two wet suits, rubber panties, a face mask, diving gloves and slippers, with a snorkel up his bum because that’s where he breathes from.
Radiohead, Arcade Fire, and all these other goofy indie rock bands are teh suck. I worship only one God, and it is Skinny Puppy. Bow down, mortals.
(And they’re Canadian… )
Let’s try a Malkin Mad Lib! Ready?
Fun for the whole Liberal family!
New theory:
Swank doesn’t write these. He dictates them to someone, who types them up. Hence the staccato, telegraphic idiocy. He’s talking to himself half the time.
(LURVE the title, Gavin.)
Frak! That Debbie Schussel link is Teh Stupid times a brazillion.
She really thinks that Muslims and Jews hate each other. Period. All Muslims are the enemy. All Jews are good.
Must be nice to have a world view that’s packaged like an egg salad sandwich at 7/11. It would make things so easier…
so much easier…
Hm. OK.
On behalf of all mulled bloggers of purported creamy faith, the Respectable Lithe Blogger Loadpants has spastically stepped up to the ottoman to cuddle me to a lump about SCHIP.
I’m bleeding.
With rectitude.
But I’d just as soon share a kidney, physical or virtual, with Ann Althouse as I would with Urkel, Mork, or an overflowing vat of whimsical radioactive legislation.
O/T as usual, but this dude did a nice Cthulu thing to the RNC image.
Must be nice to have a world view that’s packaged like an egg salad sandwich at 7/11.
Those sandwiches and that worldview do the same thing to the stomach…
Those sandwiches and that worldview do the same thing to the stomach…
Hey, man, those sandwiches got me through grad school.
Well, those sandwiches and a lot of stomach medication…
I really hate to see the Swank name so badly disgraced. It used to be a good porno mag back in those pre-Internet years. Was one of the first to show penetration, as I recall, and for a time the women didn’t actually look like incredibly airbrushed drug addicts.
Those were the days.
Thanks a lot, Gav. I just had to explain to my colleague why I was laughing so hard. I’m putting “I, Swankius” on my headstone, if you don’t mind.
Swank & Grogan : english language :: Leopold & Loeb : Bobby Franks
Arcade Fire lived up to hype?
Where?
Totally with Gav on Arcade Fire. Now if they’d had a monkey playing the organ grindy device they’d have at least been interesting live.
our country’s Judeo-Christian backdrop
Oh, not my
ParisJudeo-Christian backdrop! How am I going to make fun of thefrogsJesus-freaks!Although I am a committed Christian, I believe in freedom of religion. Be you Hindu, Muslim, Jewish, I believe there are infinite paths to accepting Jesus Christ as your personal savior.
Like Ann Coulter, I am amazed by the stereotype that Evangelical Fundamentalists (hereafter referred to as Christians) are thought of as intolerant.
When I visit the supposedly tolerant liberal mecca of NYC I am shocked by the aura of fear and prejudice that surrounds minorities like the dust cloud around Pig-pen. I can’t even get on a bus full of black people without feeling uncomfortable. And it isn’t just me; it is just as uncomfortable when I am in a shop full of white people and a black person walks through the door.
Megachurches are nothing like that. You have black and brown and red and yellow and Baptist and Catholic and Episcopalian and Jew and Muslim all worshiping Jesus together. I barely even have to worry about my purse, but you know, I don’t want to tempt anyone into sin.
Choco Taco?
I call fake Stephen Colbert, as it’s “Moslem”, not “Muslim”. Best if you really over-emphasize the “AH” sound.
Bananas Foster?
I can’t believe I fell for that bet! Unlike you libtards, I keep my word so I’ve sent you $20 through the Amazon honor system (by the time you asked to double up, I knew something was fishy). I challenge the rest of you to be as honest.
Oh, I see, Baked Alaska!
That’s kinda like pie, right?
I bet this guy reads as well as he rights.
Oops, writes.
Hey! I went to Vassar. I resemble that remark.
“Yet both endorse slaying the unborn and active homosexual relations.”
This is correct, and quite damming. When the Lord of Scripture commandeth “Slay them all”, he means “all”, not “slay then men, rape the women and enslave the children”, or “spare some cattle as you can use several more cows”. And nothing irks the Lord of the Scripture like lame excuses “Idid not slay her, because while she was my relation, and homosexual, and active, she was very much already born”. or “that unborn relation of my was not homosexual”.
About the fall of Rome: Rome survived more than 1000 years, so the record was not that bad. GOP was supposed to reign much longer, but after several years they look rather worse for the wear. Nothing lasts forever, but as empires go, Rome was not that bad. Until they started to take Saturn out of Saturnalia….
“U.S. Senate Chaplain Barry Black says the United States, like past great civilizations such as the Roman Empire, could collapse due to a decline in family values, a decline in religion, a preoccupation with pleasure and overspending on militarism,” per AP.
I thought the collapse of the Roman Empire was more a result of (a) lead pipes carrying the drinking water, and (b) ferocious inbreeding of the upper classes. So any families living in Rome for generations (eg the aristocracy) were half-crazed with lead poisoning and the stagnant remains of a very small gene pool to boot. No wonder Caligula made his horse a senator: was probably the most articulate creature there.
Would that evangelicals could resurrect the Black warnings to ward off liberals within the United Methodist Church, United Presbyterian Church (USA), American Baptist Convention, and Evangelical Lutheran Church of America.
Initially, I read this as “Would that evangelicals could resurrect the Black Plague to ward off liberals”. I thought we wuz all gunna die with hideous buboes all over us’n. Oh, that’s right, I’m not in a church. Phew. Saved by the (church) bell.
I don’t know how you parse this nonsense. It gives me a headache merely reading it.
His writing (and I use that word loosely) sounds vaguely like those poorly translated Olympic crowd control signs in China.
and it seems that it’s contagious. I had a hard time that writing.
See?
See, interestingly enough, I’ve read accounts that part of the reason Rome collapses is that the spread of Christianity basically rotted out the Parthenon and cause such a radical change in the mentality of the people that the system simple fell in on itself.
Me? I think it had a lot more to do with the lead pipes they drank from, combined with an overzealous expansion policy.
“That would mean replacing God with man-made religion,”
He’s worried about Scientology?
You know, Swank would save a lot of time if he just wrote, “Kill the unbelievers.” and called it a day.
As a graduate of Bard I resent the comparison to the way-out kids from Vassar.
Our functional drug addicts are way more entitled.
I mean, those 20 miles up Rt. 9 are decisive.
I loves me some Swank. Now, I’ve got some homosexual lifestyles divinely to bless and some womb babies to kill, so if y’all will excuse me….
I believe that Pastor Swank deserves mad props for correctly distinguishing ‘former’ from ‘latter’.
That is all.
Swank is becoming less and less intelligible as time goes by. His prose reminds me of the writings of someone who is having his brain turned to swiss cheese by mad-cow disease, and is hitting those final stages of madness and dementia. Or was it rabies that does that (not the swiss cheese–that’s definitely a prion thing)? Someone give him a bottle of Night Train and some second-hand clothes, ‘cos it’s Next Stop Skid Row for da Swanksta! Or, perhaps, wood alcohol.
But ‘active homosexual relations’ sort of privileges the pitcher over the catcher, if you know what I’m saying.
yeah, I know what your sayin. if only there were more pitchers than catchers………
Me like Swank column. Write good he.
Chaplain Barry C. Black
http://www.senate.gov/reference/common/person/barry_black.htm
Pastor Berry Black is a man of distinction and brilliance. He works with all faiths. Black also is a patriot who has served his country.
The Blacker the Barry, the sweeter the Jews.
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