Try Sponsoring One Frickin’ Puma, Mark
Here’s Mark Noonan at Blogs For Bush, once again getting all grandiose about the measurable and not-at-all-number-juggled evidence of progress in Iraq:
Remember back in January where the President was supposedly on the political ropes and would shortly be forced to begin withdrawing from Iraq? “Lame Duck” didn’t even begin to describe President Bush as that time – heck, even the GOP base was abandoning him. Well, now its the last day of August, and how are things going?
Not only have all Democrat attempts to force a surrender failed, but there are actually 30,000 more US troops in Iraq than there were at the beginning of the year. Back in January, the rhetoric was all about how Iraq was irretrievably lost, with President Bush’s protestations that it wasn’t lost painted as the last, desperate gasps of an utterly failed Presidency…now the reality is showing that Iraq is improving all the time, and those Democrats who were loudest in proclaiming defeat in January look more and more stupid.
I think we all know who to thank for this, and it isn’t Mark Noonan.
Above: Bears standing up so that we can stand down
The proprietors of this bear show have valiantly pledged their support in bear recruitment. But many deployed bears are still operating with unarmored unicycles, and several puma units are plagued with hairballs and are facing their third or fourth deployments.
Oh yes, it’s easy to sit at home and brag about the sacrifices of others, Blogs For Bush. Now what about making an effort? Or has failure in Iraq been your hidden agenda all along?
[Graphic: Drummer Hoff]
Update: Robert Green has obtained a pledge of service from all of these bears:
We are proud to offer a matching pledge of Jars of Hunny and pick-i-nick baskets.
I think we need to make a Bear pledge and a We Support Our Pumas campaign. Perhaps even a “Bear and Puma Caucus.” Come on people, let’s get organized for the greatest hope for Victory in Iraq™ we have.
I am John Puma!
Remember back in January where the President was supposedly on the political ropes and would shortly be forced to begin withdrawing from Iraq? “Lame Duck” didn’t even begin to describe President Bush as that time – heck, even the GOP base was abandoning him.
Heck, y’all were calling him a big fat liberal because he’d Failed Conservatism™. And there was a bunch of stuff about being tired of carrying water, and all that.
Weird to see a wingnut alluding to stuff that happened months ago and expecting people to remember it, isn’t it?
more bears:
http://www.manipulator.com and go to the bear page. every bear you see there pledges its support for the mighty battle, except for the polar bear, which is french and a coward.
I’ve got a really good feeling about this bear and puma strategery. It’ll work because it has to work!
I think the bear and puma battalions are turning on dear leader. Iraqi civilian death toll up for second straight month. “Gentle Ben” my ass.
but there are actually 30,000 more US troops in Iraq than there were at the beginning of the year.
Y’know, I sure get the distinct sense that Mark is saying this in a kind of a gleeful way. I’d sure like him to explain why this is a good thing for America, or for bush, and why we should be glad about it?
I’m looking forward to seeing the designs of the Support our Bears and Support our Pumas magnetic stickers for our SUVs. I don’t think the ribbon theme will work. Thoughts?
mikey
The bear weeps for his country’s shame
His axle’s squeaky: who’s to blame?
‘Tis YOU! Yanks like Michelles and Michaels
Care NOT for ursine unicycles!
Nice job of fixing the
internetsNational Neoconreview.Are my comments getting sent to moderation, for some reason?
I don’t get this reference to bears and pumas- can anyone enlighten me?
The bears and pumas will be greeted as liberators, so there’s no need for a plan B.
So what lube does Mrs. Steyn recommend for dry nights?
Hey Bubba, how ought the bear and puma poetry be collected?
I’m thinking of a Norton anthology — book cover and so forth.
It’s to liberate Iraq. Here’s our coverage of the bear and puma surge:
http://www.sadlyno.com/index.php?s=bear+puma
For our stickers, I’m picturing a map of Iraq coloured in with the American flag behind held in the paws of a bear and a puma looking stoically upon it.
I really hate to be the barer of bad news BUT this plan is not going to work.
Bears and pumas are MUCH better at turning corners than mere humans, so now that their fine warrior skills are working for us, we should be turning THE corner any time now….
Take out the minor bogus claim about “making progress” and the guy has a good point. Everyone said that Bush would be forced to withdraw or at least cut back on troops, but he has added 30,000. The Democrats are no doubt going to back another extension, without any accountability, and the war goes on. The only thing Bush can’t do is get a draft going. He can put in as many troops as he has available, spend as much money as he wants, violate any Geneva Conventions he sees fit, skimp on body and vehicle armor, extend tours of duty, make billions of unaccountable dollars for his cronies, and even bomb Iran if he wants and the Democrats will go along with it. If he said we’re sending in 5,000 Bears and Pumas tomorrow, the Democrats would rubber stamp it.
Yes Steve, that is true. We have the Bush Dogs to thank for that. The upshot is that there is a conservative majority in charge (GOP + BushDog Dems = we’re fucked) and not the Dems. Even if we didn’t have those defectors to contend with there was little we Dems could have done with a one vote majority anyway.
Um, hey. We’re not throwing pandas and sun bears into Iraq, are we? I mean, polar bears eat people. Pandas can barely, pardon me, even stay awake for more than a few hours at a time.
Also, this thing had better be over before the end of next month, that’s all I can say. I don’t think the pumas can do this on their own.
There once was a blogger named Mark
Whose support for the Surge was quite stark
“Thanks to Bush,” he declared
But we know it’s the bears
And the pumas that patrol after dark
Bears and Pumas arrived in Iraq
Just as things were looking black
As they ate al Quaeda, hope began to flicker
So go get another bumper sticker!
mikey
Can someone point me to the original “bears and pumas in Iraq” post? I think I get the joke, but where did it start?
Brian Link: See the link in Gavin’s comment at 19:36. The first bears and pumas post is the one at the bottom of the list. We’ve been turning the corner ever since!
“Not only have all Democrat attempts to force a surrender failed, but there are actually 30,000 more US troops in Iraq than there were at the beginning of the year.”
Imagine how awesome it’d be if there were a million extra troops in Iraq. I like to the Democrats try to surrender then.
By not crediting our noble bear and puma warriors with their proper due Mark Noonan shows he is objectively anti-bear and puma.
Why does Mark Noonan hate our troops?
Bears and Pumas stalk the sands of Iraq
Steady on, lads, now there’s no turning back
With tooth and claw they tear and rend
They’ll see it through to the bloody end
No militia can stand, nor insurgency fight
While Bears and Pumas stalk the Baghdad night
We’ll see peace in our time in the middle east
Secured not by man, but rather by beast
mikey
The Clarks of New Hampshire are great.
They’ve pledged help for the bear surge, they state.
But if this is to work,
None of us can dare shirk.
Let’s stake Noonan in Basra, as bait.
Bears n’ pumas 4-ever! Ich liebe die bears und die pumas!! Teh Surge (TM) ist werking! Ein Volk! Ein Reich!
P.S. I’m now located on the other side of McPlanet (TM), and the view is Teh Awesome. FYI, Saturday is a really nice day. A bit rainy, though. Enjoy! (Tee hee.)
Sadly, because not every brave bear or puma can come home alive – a quiet moment, please…
Anthem for Doomed Bears and Pumas(with sincerest apologies to Wilfred Owen)
What passing-bells for these bears and pumas who die as cattle?
Only the monstrous anger of the guns.
Only the stuttering rifles’ rapid rattle
Can patter out their hasty orisons.
No mockeries now for them; no prayers nor bells;
Nor any voice of mourning save the choirs,
The shrill, demented choirs of wailing shells;
And bugles calling for them from sad shires.
What candles may be held to speed them all?
Not in the hands of young bears and pumas, but in their eyes
Shall shine the holy glimmers of good-byes.
The pallor of young girl bears’ and pumas’ brows shall be their pall;
Their flowers the tenderness of patient minds,
And each slow dusk a drawing-down of blinds.
Uh, noen? The problem isn’t a conservative majority. The problem is that Democratic leadership agrees with Bush.
Barry Welsh at FDL, he peeped.
AHHHHH! *waves hand dismissively*
Never mind the giant robots. I’ll keep ’em oiled and charged up for when we need to “surge” to stop the unrest in Tehran in 2011.
mrik’n fr’cking mr’qwt’y ble’eclesh! MPSGRVLD! ZGLBKR!
I’m waiting eagerly for Major Ursa’s report on Teh Surge. I think a lot of the anti-surge folks will be eating crow after the good news is released.
The Dems in congress may not be able to pass legislation stopping the Occupation of Iraq, but they CAN stop funding it. And stop passing capitulation legislation.
Oh bai the way, I just wanna note that my first comment (which might be considered unmoderate) was not directed at the community of S,N!…it was for the Bill Kristols, Robert (and all the other) Kagans, and Dick Cheney, and so on.
Not only have all Democrat attempts to force a surrender failed
Huh, I must’ve missed all those votes on CSPAN. And Gavin, that cover is magnificent.
I predict that this bold new bear and puma initiative will completely turn around the situation in Iraq within the next six months!
The sad reality is that American bears and pumas are no match for Al Qaeda mongooses and ferrets.
Though Brigadier General Yogi claims great success in rooting out and destroying insurgent pic-a-nic baskets.
And yeah, that cover is definitely S,N! Watermark worthy.
This post is made of win.
News announcement: With Brigadier General Yogi overseas, Cindy Bear announces a new B & P Support group selling bear-paw magnetic stickers for our vehicles here at home….film at 11:00
It’s only a matter of time before the bears and pumas of America fight back against this unfair draft. For now, Canada opens its doors to the draft dodgers and deserters. Come on bears and pumas, we have your wilderness right here. Say goodbye to crazy America.
I think we should add some Wolverines to the roster of liberators. Oh, wait, never mind. Wolverines suck at winning stuff.
http://sports.yahoo.com/ncaaf/news?slug=ap-t25-appalachianst-michigan&prov=ap&type=lgns
What digamma said at 22:25. Awesome! One request: More pumas please. I love Teh Cats of War!
One world … One world
The cats of war won’t negotiate
The bears of war don’t capitulate,
They will take and you will give,
And you must die so that they may live
You can knock at any door,
But wherever you go, you know they’ve been there before
Well winners can lose and things can get strained
But whatever you change, you know the pumas remain.
One world, it’s a battleground
(Apologies to the Floyd.)
Yes Steve, that is true. We have the Bush Dogs to thank for that. The upshot is that there is a conservative majority in charge (GOP + BushDog Dems = we’re fucked) and not the Dems. Even if we didn’t have those defectors to contend with there was little we Dems could have done with a one vote majority anyway.
Sorry. These excuses don’t work. If it were only a few rogue conservative Democrats and the narrow Senate majority that were the problem, the supposedly progressive House leadership could at least say “no” to funding the war…let alone giving the president expanded wiretap rights.
The newly invented “BushDogs” are just the latest epicycle that progressives have created to sustain the illusion that the Democrats will eventually do the right thing. They won’t.
We all have to come to terms with the fact that this is a bipartisan war and that the Democrats are part of the problem, not part of the solution.
Unfortunately, the strain on the available domestic bear and puma populations to meet needs in Iraq has already gotten to the point where standards for enlistment have been lowered. In fact, incidents involving skinhead bears are on the upswing, and it’s been widely reported that in areas that have been “Clear & Hold”ed in Baghdad by the puma brigades are rife with apparent puma gang tags.
The tagging is widespread, but brought angry denials from puma division commander Brigadier General Snagglepus – “Heavens To murgatroid! We are just some harmless mountain lions peeing on things – Lay off whydoncha, we’re winning here, even! And now, Exit… stage left!”
A grizzly recruited to save the Iraqis,
on catching insurgents, responded quite frankly,
“I swipe with my paw,
then I clamp down my maw.
It’s like fishing for salmon back home in Alaski.”
Quoth a Florida panther from down in the Glades,
found mauling a Baathist caught in a raid,
“The one thing I ask,
when I finish this task:
That my deed be recorded by Thomas Kinkade.”
This Plan is doomed to fail!!!!
Sectarian Couger/Bear violence is just further proof that the Woodland Surge is working.
On the Shameful Support for American Puma Troops (Affectionately Known as Poops)
A puma lies at roadside dead
His fearsome teeth stained Muslim red
He wouldn’t have been downed, ’tis sure
But for want of pawdicure.
Hey Bubba, how ought the bear and puma poetry be collected?
I’m thinking of a Norton anthology — book cover and so forth.
Published? The erudition on display fairly demands footnotage ruinous to 21st century publishing technology.
Photoshopped, actually. That cuts down on the ruination.
For the fallen pumas, with boundless feline sympathy:
Somebody’s moggy at the side of the road
Somebody’s pussy who forgot his highway code
He’s nobody’s moggy
Just red and squashed and soggy
He’s nobody’s moggy naaaaooooowwww
Let us have a moment of silence for those who have given their furry lives to the cause of Freedom Fries.
Sniff his haunches, lick his face
Another casualty from the Bear race
He fought the good fight, right to the end
The sorrow in your soul will mend
Remember those who fought the fight
They did what they could, day or night
Bears and Pumas, freedom’s best hope
That last drop of devotion at the end of their rope
mikey
Re: poetry anthology
Maybe you could get a literature professor to annotate or at least write a short prolegomenon. I suggest Dr. Dangeral.
Photoshopped, actually. That cuts down on the ruination.
There is the thought of the Borgesian book containing all knowledge, no covers, all spine, shelved in a circular room.
Or The Complete something or other. A Cliff’s Notes’d probably take care of it anyway.
Well, for a graphic identity, there’s also the bear-and-puma memorials. They’re apparently springing up all over Iraq these days.
US resolve, once forged of steel
Has now become banana peel
On which the noble bear has slipped
And graceful puma sprawled and tripped
Must bear go hunt without clean fez?
“I don’t care a whit,” our congress says
Can puma pounce without fur support?
“Brushes cost too much” the pols all snort
Who cares enough to maul the worst?
Who serves by ripping neck out first?
Rending flesh and tearing tendon
Munching Muslims with abendon
These beasts deserve the best we offer
Buy your bear bonds! Ope your coffer!
Let honor show, entrepreneur,
That Yogi cycle, Pete puma purr
The cool thing about fancy bibles is those little cloth bookmarks that come with ’em. I want this thing to be classy.
Have they invented a prosthetic for paws yet?Were gonna need somebody to get on that right away.
#
LA Confidential Pantload said,
September 1, 2007 at 20:54
“Uh, noen? The problem isn’t a conservative majority. The problem is that Democratic leadership agrees with Bush.” ROGER THAT!!!tango mary bravo.There are myriad ways to stop the war.1)filibuster2)
stop all funding,use remaining funds to withdraw.etc.etc.That shit aint gonna cut it.Especially when you have lib.heroes like John Conyers rabble rousing crowds with”what are we gonna do,IMPEACH,when are we gonna do it,Now!and then turning around and not only doing less than nothing,but calling the Capitol Police to arrest pro-impeachment demonstrators when the came to his office to call him on his bullshit.No,it just wont do.One big capital party,good cop,bad cop.Both agree on the strategy,quibble over tactics.
What fate awaits the veteran bear,
Fresh from the front, blood-matted hair?
A tickertape parade and thanks?
Or spit upon his wounded flanks?
He’ll end up bitter, used and jaded
Working at a job much hated
Patrolling kids in shopping malls
Or rousting queers in bathroom stalls
Time to rouse the troops…
Onward, bears and pumas, marching as to war,
Boo-Boo bear and Yogi going on before.
Snagglepuss, the Master, leads against the foe;
Forward into battle see His banners go!
Refrain
Onward, bears and pumas, marching as to war,
Boo-Boo bear and Yogi going on before.
At the sign of triumph Satan’s host doth flee;
On then, bears and pumas, on to victory!
Hell’s foundations quiver at the shout of praise;
Brothers lift your voices, loud your anthems raise.
Refrain
Like a mighty army bears and pumas move;
Brothers, we are grooving where the saints have grooved.
We are not divided, all one body we,
One in hope and doctrine, one in charity.
Refrain
What the saints established that I hold for true.
What the saints believèd, that I believe too.
Long as earth endureth, bears the faith will hold,
Kingdoms, nations, pumas, in destruction rolled.
Refrain
Crowns and thrones may perish, kingdoms rise and wane,
But the bears and pumas constant will remain.
Gates of hell can never ‘gainst pumas prevail;
We have bears’ own promise, and that cannot fail.
Refrain
Onward then, ye pumas, join our happy throng,
Blend with ours your voices in the triumph song.
Glory, laud and honor unto bears shall bring,
This through countless ages bears and pumas sing.
( no apologies to the original lyricist, Sabine Baring-Gould, because it’s actually a very shitty, dreary song)
Look, it’s gotta be fast, dammit, because the bears are going to hibernate in a couple months. Pandas don’t, but pandas are all wussies. How about a regiment of komodo dragons? Frickin’ nine foot lizards… Maybe with laser beams on their frickin’ foreheads… I’d run like hell.
I do wonder what Stephen Colbert would think of your bear plan, though.
OMG! Someone totally has to tell Stephen Colbert about our plan!
Scopedogs,lots of Scopedogs, http://www.mahq.net/mecha/votoms/atvotoms/atm-09-st.htm
For Special Ops, we may want to give these fellas a try.
One of you people who are funnier than me needs to write up the bear and puma plan for Wikiality: The Truthiness Encyclopedia.
http://www.wikiality.com/Main_Page
D Sidhe, it’s not just the ‘nine-foot lizard’-ness of the komodo dragons, or the fact that they’ve got great big teeth (the better to rend you with). It’s the fact that their spit is teeming with virulent bacteria, so even if they don’t kill you right away, chances are good that you’ll die of septicaemia later.
Oh, and they can climb trees (at least the less weighty ones can), and stand on their hind legs. Right bastards, those lizards.
I was about to say something sarcastic about Qetesh for making such a fuss about Komodo dragons when she’s writing from the homeland of the platypus, the only venomous mammal. However, the Great Gazoogle informs me that there are also three species of shrew that can inflict a venomous bite; and two species of Solenodon. What is more, the Slow Loris has “Glands on the inside of their elbows [which] secrete a toxin that smells like sweaty socks”.
OK, the male platypus can stab you with its vicious foreleg spur, but at least it doesn’t smell like sweaty socks.
And it turns out that the Varanidae (the Komodo and other monitor lizards) have evolved innately posonous saliva, though without the virulent bacteria it’s not very strong. Thank you, great Gazoogle!
Watch out, Baathist dead-enders. Gila monsters are coming to get you!
We need a MRTF(Multi-Reptile Task Force) with Reggie as the leader. He’s already proven his determination by his attempted breakout from the LA Zoo, and he will fight for fish.
I am disturbed that non-mammalian species are being considered when we have brave bears and pumas giving their all on the streets of Baghdad as we speak. When there is a job to be done American leadership has never up and abandoned one course of action to try some silly adventure in some other direction.
Bears & pumas are the obvious choice but what will we arm them with? DUH…Play-dough & bacon. You can see that from space dudes.
Playtpus never killed anyone, Herr Doktor. And if I were from Australia, home of Megalania, the Komodo Dragon would have a special place in my heart as well. The dragons, mind you, are another goanna species, with which Australia as well as much of Asia are rife.
It’s not the platypus, really, it’s the fact that Australia is home to more venomous snakes than any other country, and their spiders and jellyfish and octopus can kill you, too. Even their squid are poisonous, for God’s sakes. I’m just waiting for someone to discover that the koalas eat people when no one’s around.
And no, I know the platypus is not the only venomous mammal. (In fact, it apparently uses the spurs when mating, which just goes to show I’m really glad I’m not a female platypus. The pain is said to be excruciating.) Shrews! Slow loris! Doesn’t that just rock? I seem to recall there’s a bird with mildly venomous saliva, as well.
Oh, and J– forgot the beaded lizard.
Also, have we considered insects yet? Bears are great, and I would never malign the mighty puma. But the bears are going to redeploy themselves in a couple of months, and I don’t think the pumas can hold it together after that. They’re solitary hunters, after all.
Oh, and J– forgot the beaded lizard.
You’re right. Mexican beaded lizard reporting for duty and ready to bring that New World venom!
D. Sidhe, you needn’t wait any longer.
Mexican beaded lizard reporting for duty and ready to bring that New World venom!
Darn Mexicans, taking jobs from good American animals, grumble grumble.
Those drop bears are pretty fearsome, but remember that there’s a risk associated with their cousins, the cuddly koalas, too. After all, koalas spend a lot of their waking time completely stoned on eucalyptus leaves, so if you see one, it could think you’re a rock, or it could think you’re the living, breathing reincarnation of Jimi Hendrix, or it could think you’re something rootable.
Whatever it thinks, chances are its response will consist of:
a) pissing on you;
b) nothing else.
You’ve been warned.
Roland was a polar bear
From the land of the midnight sun
With his claws and teeth for hire
Biting to be done
The deal was made in Godthab
On a dark and stormy day
So he set out for Karbala
To join the bloody fray
Through ought-seven and ought-eight
They fought the Terror War
With their mauling paws and canines
Knee deep in gore
Days and nights they battled
The Shiites and Sunnis
They killed to earn their living
And to help out the GOP
His comrades fought beside him
The grizzlies and felines
But of all the bears and pumas
Roland was too fine
So the C-in-C decided
He wanted Roland dead
Some sonofabitch young Kodiak
Tore off Roland’s head
Roland the Headless Polar Ursine
Time time time for another Iraq surge
Greenland’s favorite son
Time stands still for Roland while he sates a killing urge
They can still see his headless body
Stalking o’er the sand
With the muzzle bloody
On Roland’s gaping maw
With the muzzle bloody
On Roland’s gaping maw
Roland searched the Middle East
For the bear who’d done him in
He found him in Diyala
Trying to get food from a tin
Roland reached his forepaws out
He didn’t make a sound
But he threw that Kodiak’s body
From there to old Kabul town
Roland the Headless Polar Ursine
Roland the Headless Polar Ursine
Roland the Headless Polar Ursine (talkin’ about the bear)
Roland the Headless Polar Ursine
The eternal polar ursine
Still hangin’ round the Mideast
Now it’s two months later
But he’s still a fearsome beast
In Anbar, in Basrah, in Najaf and in Babil…
The global jihad was totally awed
By Roland’s mighty claws
And bought them…
Well, I went home with a Shiite
The way I always do
How was I to know
She was with the Iranians, too
I was occupying Karbala
I took a little risk
Send pumas, bears and badgers
Zoo, get me out of this
I’m the innocent invader
Somehow I got stuck
Between Iraq and a quagmire
And I’m down on my luck
And I’m down on my luck
And I’m down on my luck
Now I’m hiding with Patraeus
I’m a desperate man
Send pumas, bears and badgers
The shit has hit the fan
Send pumas, bears and badgers…