Aug
25

Bear And Puma Drive Continues (Send More Bears And Pumas!)




Posted at 5:14 by Gavin M.

Welp, today is Day Two of our drive to fix Iraq by, you know, setting packs of hungry bears and pumas loose in Baghdad.

bearspumastrex.jpg
Above: Progress in Baghdad

As you can see, we’ve managed to hold and clear an area not far from Haifa Street, as well as several markets and I think a stray food vendor or two.

Keep the bears and pumas coming, folks! As soon as the bears and pumas stop, that’s when the Sadrists and the ex-Baathists get the upper hand!

131 Comments »

  1. TRex said,

    August 25, 2007 at 5:24

    Whoo-hooo!

  2. Evita said,

    August 25, 2007 at 5:25

    Waiting all tingle….

    For the gut response from Colbert on this one….

  3. TeddySanFran said,

    August 25, 2007 at 5:27

    Bears can’t leave town until after Labor Day weekend, which is our bear faire.
    http://www.hairrison.org/

  4. the_millionaire_lebowski said,

    August 25, 2007 at 5:33

    Man, they have Caprices in Iraq? Those are nice cars, especially for doing doughnuts.

  5. Simba B. said,

    August 25, 2007 at 5:34

    According to your about page, you only watermark “believable” Photoshops.

    Please don’t tell me you have that little faith in humanity.

  6. Spartakus said,

    August 25, 2007 at 5:35

    Can bearz has cheezburgherz?

  7. DEMIZE! said,

    August 25, 2007 at 5:40

    Ey iz in ur vortex mannin teh chekpoyntz nau.KTHXBAI!!11!!!

  8. Gavin M. said,

    August 25, 2007 at 5:40

    According to your about page, you only watermark “believable” Photoshops.

    Um, well, I think the LOLcon thing skewed my perspective a bit.

  9. Lesley said,

    August 25, 2007 at 5:40

    It’s bad enough we send people over there, but endangered species? Come on, Gavin. My heart’s bleeding for these creatures. (How about rattle snakes and tarantulas?)

  10. Scott1960 said,

    August 25, 2007 at 5:43

    Gee, using the Reich-wing’s level of believability… why not use dna and stem cell technology to bring back saber tooth tigers? With genetically implanted stars and stripes? That’d be cool! Or a T. Rex (not the ‘Bang a Gong’ one though).

  11. DEMIZE! said,

    August 25, 2007 at 5:43

    DOD.wouldn’t provide body armor?

  12. DEMIZE! said,

    August 25, 2007 at 5:45

    Ey iz in ur vortex mannin teh chekpoyntz nau.KTHXBAI!!11!!! Ahh,that would be bearin.Sorry.

  13. AkaDad said,

    August 25, 2007 at 5:46

    Pumas + Bears = Ponies

  14. TRex said,

    August 25, 2007 at 5:48

    Someone needs to make a LOLwars about Iraq:

    “Invisible Government!”

  15. Lesley said,

    August 25, 2007 at 5:52

    The perfect animal for the task may be the vervet monkey:

    Monkey misery for Kenyan women villagers
    By Juliet Njeri
    BBC News, Nachu, central Kenya

    [Photo of Woman and scarecrow...Monkeys destroyed this scarecrow, according to villagers]

    A troop of vervet monkeys is giving Kenyan villagers long days and sleepless nights, destroying crops and causing a food crisis. Earlier this month, local MP Paul Muite urged the Kenyan Wildlife Service to help contain their aggressive behaviour. But Mr Muite caused laughter when he told parliament that the monkeys had taken to harassing and mocking women in a village.

    But this is exactly what the women in the village of Nachu, just south-west of Kikuyu, are complaining about. They estimate there are close to 300 monkeys invading the farms at dawn. They eat the village’s maize, potatoes, beans and other crops.

    And because women are primarily responsible for the farms, they have borne the brunt of the problem, as they try to guard their crops. They say the monkeys are more afraid of young men than women and children, and the bolder ones throw stones and chase the women from their farms.

    Nachu’s women have tried wearing their husbands’ clothes in an attempt to trick the monkeys into thinking they are men – but this has failed, they say.

    “When we come to chase the monkeys away, we are dressed in trousers and hats, so that we look like men,” resident Lucy Njeri told the BBC News website. “But the monkeys can tell the difference and they don’t run away from us and point at our breasts. They just ignore us and continue to steal the crops.”

    In addition to stealing their crops, the monkeys also make sexually explicit gestures at the women, they claim.

    “The monkeys grab their breasts, and gesture at us while pointing at their private parts. We are afraid that they will sexually harass us,” said Mrs Njeri.

    The Kenyan Wildlife Service told the BBC that it was not unusual for monkeys to harass women and be less afraid of them than men, but they had not heard of monkeys in Kenya making sexually explicit gestures as a form of communication to humans.

    The predominantly farming community is now having to receive famine relief food. The residents report that the monkeys have killed livestock and guard dogs, which has also left the villagers living in fear, especially for the safety of their babies and children.

    All the villagers’ attempts to control the monkeys have failed – the monkeys evade traps, have lookouts to warn the others of impending attacks and snub poisoned food put out by the residents.

    “The troop has scouts which keep a lookout from a vantage point, and when they see us coming, they give warning signals to the ones in the farms to get away,” said another area resident, Jacinta Wandaga.

    ‘Monkey squad’

    The town has been warned by the Kenya Wildlife Service not to harm or kill any of the monkeys, as it is a criminal offence. Running out of options, residents are harvesting their crops early in an attempt to salvage what they can of this year’s crop.

    Unfortunately, this only invites the monkeys to break into their homes and steal the harvested crops out of their granaries.

    Even the formation of a “monkey squad” to keep track of the monkeys’ movements and keep them out has failed.

    The area is simply too large for the few volunteers to cover, they say.

    Some residents have lost hope and abandoned their homes and farms, but those who have stayed behind, like 80-year-old James Ndungu, are making a desperate plea for assistance. “For God’s sake, the government should take pity on us and move these monkeys away because we do not want to abandon our farms,” he said.

    “I beg you, please come and take these animals away from here so that we can farm in peace.”

    Yep, monkeys should do the trick.

    Link found via http://majikthise.typepad.com/

  16. ploeg said,

    August 25, 2007 at 5:53

    I still think that we need to go with the badgers.

    http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/middle_east/6295138.stm

  17. AkaDad said,

    August 25, 2007 at 5:55

    Wolverines!

  18. ploeg said,

    August 25, 2007 at 5:56

    Badgers!

    http://www.badgerbadgerbadger.com

  19. Scott1960 said,

    August 25, 2007 at 5:57

    If they are anything like Giuliani, we could send ferrets! That’d scare ‘em!

  20. TRex said,

    August 25, 2007 at 6:02

    OMG!

    Badgers!

    http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/6295138.stm

  21. stryx said,

    August 25, 2007 at 6:02

    Look, they’ve already got Solifugae in Iraq so no damn spider is going to frighten them.

    What we need is something big, dumb, and heavily armed or squat, vicious, and bloodthirsty.
    And it only helps that we can outsource this to Canada.

  22. TRex said,

    August 25, 2007 at 6:09

    Badgers of War.

    You know what this means, right?

    Badger Milblogs.

    “The Red Badger of Courage”.

    Or “We Don’t Need No Steenkin’ Badgers!”

    Really, the possibilities are endless.

    “My name’s Sergeant Friday. I carry a badger.”

  23. M. Bouffant said,

    August 25, 2007 at 6:12

    Monkeys!! Evolution marches on.
    “Aaay!! I got yer hat & trousers right here, lady!!” (In full “Guido” accent, of course.)

  24. Lesley said,

    August 25, 2007 at 6:14

    Bwahaha, TRex, serendipity doesn’t get any sweeter than that:
    Word spread among the populace that UK troops had introduced strange man-eating, bear-like beasts into the area to sow panic.

    UK military spokesman Major Mike Shearer said: “We can categorically state that we have not released man-eating badgers into the area.

  25. ploeg said,

    August 25, 2007 at 6:16

    It’s gotta be better than all those ideas that Bradrocket stole from Blazing Saddles earlier today.

  26. D. Sidhe said,

    August 25, 2007 at 6:19

    Dear God, I love that pic. Can I steal it for my Christmas Cards and my desktop and stuff?

  27. AkaDad said,

    August 25, 2007 at 6:20

    We’re in ur cuntrees, spreading freedumb and democrasee

  28. Mehitabel the Abyssinian said,

    August 25, 2007 at 6:24

    Puma look like Mehitabel.
    I hz happy.

  29. Lesley said,

    August 25, 2007 at 6:27

    Badger in disguise!

  30. Herr Doktor Bimler said,

    August 25, 2007 at 6:29

    I object, your honour! Prosecuting attorney is witnessing the badger!

  31. M. Bouffant said,

    August 25, 2007 at 6:32

    No, wait, someone @ The Corner has a better idea:

    Our long-term strategy, then, should be to create two, three, many Islamic republics, each one inevitably an example of Islam’s bankruptcy. It’s risky and will take many years (kind of like containment of communism), but it’s the only thing that’s going to work.

    And no, he won’t shut up:

    Here’s the way it will play out: When Iran’s Islamic regime finally unravels, some significant number of nominal Muslims will quickly become apostates, embracing Bahai or Zoroastrianism or Christianity (or Buddhism or even Judaism). As this becomes a more widespread and public thing, some of the many remaining fundamentalists will start beheading newly Christian school children and raping newly Zoroastrian women and blowing up newly constructed Bahai temples, intensifying the existing popular disgust with the Islamic faith and thus accelerating conversions to other faiths.

    Eventually, as the number of former Muslims begins to constitute a large percentage of the population, the various keepers of Islam will see the need for a new version of the faith that people won’t abandon — thereby ushering in the long-awaited but ever elusive “moderate” Islam, where jihad really does mean nothing more than spiritual struggle, where the many problematic suras and hadiths are explained away as historical artifacts. Muslims won’t make this change if they don’t have to, but they will when the only alternative is the disappearance of Islam.

    Thus there will still be hundreds of millions of Muslims, now living side by side with large new non-Muslim communities, but their Islam will be qualitatively different from anything that has gone by that name in the past. It will take a lifetime to work its way through the Islamic world, and we must do our best to ensure that relatively few of our own people are killed in the inevitable tsunami of violence that is coming, but there really isn’t any alternative.


    These buffoons are no longer grasping at straws, they’re grabbing at spider webs.

  32. M. Bouffant said,

    August 25, 2007 at 6:38

    Haw!! Just noticed Smokey on the roof a few bldgs. down. Double-plus-good!

  33. Herr Doktor Bimler said,

    August 25, 2007 at 6:40

    why not use dna and stem cell technology to bring back saber tooth tigers
    Here at Bimler Laboratories we are otherwise engaged in using traces of DNA found on an amphora at Antioch to reconstitute Herod the Tetrarch. We are soldiering on, undeterred by the regrettable death of a few expendable technicians in a laser-beam accident. The awesome power of Robo-Herod the Petrarch will make it all worthwhile.

  34. Anne Laurie said,

    August 25, 2007 at 6:42

    I think those Kenyan vervets may have stolen Gary Ruppert’s troll sinecure.

  35. M. Bouffant said,

    August 25, 2007 at 6:55

    All the pumas you’ll ever need.
    Bears, not so interesting. Badgers, too cute. Wolverines are supposed to be the most vicious carnivore, kilo-per-kilo. (So who’s the most vicious herbivore, I wonder?)

  36. FS said,

    August 25, 2007 at 6:56

    Those had better be grizzly or polar bears, because those eastern black bears don’t scare anyone. If you send the wrong kind of bear, you’ll just waste a Friedman or two, and then have to start over with a brand new strategy.

  37. ploeg said,

    August 25, 2007 at 7:02

    So who’s the most vicious herbivore, I wonder?

    The majestik møøse. A møøse once bit my sister. No realli! She was karving her initials on the møøse with the sharpened end of an interspace tøøthbrush given her by Svenge – her brother-in-law – an Oslo dentist and star of many Norwegian møvies: “The Høt Hands of an Oslo Dentist”, “Fillings of Passion”, “The Huge Mølars of Horst Nordfink”…

  38. Lesley said,

    August 25, 2007 at 7:04

    How about a selection of the world’s weirdest animals.

    The aye aye is pretty scary looking.

    The hagfish is long, vermiform and can exude copious quantities of a sticky slime or mucus… When captured and held by the tail, they escape by secreting the fibrous slime, which turns into a thick and sticky gel). Slime is good.

    And the blobfish (resembles Karl Rove). The flesh of the blobfish is primarily a gelatinous mass with a density slightly less than water… The relative lack of muscle is not a disadvantage as it primarily swallows edible matter that floats by in front it.

  39. Lesley said,

    August 25, 2007 at 7:05

    oops. here’s the link for the weirdest aminals.

  40. D. Sidhe said,

    August 25, 2007 at 7:09

    You missed the largemouth sucker, Lesley. And the sarcastic fringemouth. And the humpie trout! The hagfish and the aye aye are always on my most loved list, mind. Man, I could name freaky critters all night, but I won’t. I have cranes to fold.

  41. D. Sidhe said,

    August 25, 2007 at 7:20

    Just checked your link. What, no vampire squid? No cassowary? No mimic octopus? No pajama squid? No giant earthworm? No mola mola? I’m very disappointed. Though the angora rabbit about makes up for it…

    Incidentally, grizzly bears will kill brown bears given a chance. So I’d go with the grizzlies for urban pacification. Or, you could turn loose the honey badgers or the giant Japanese hornets. A Friedman Unit of giant Japanese hornets and we’re pretty much in dust-off-and-nuke-the-site-from-orbit territory.

    It’s the only way to be sure.

  42. Lesley said,

    August 25, 2007 at 7:22

    The angora rabbit crossed with the Monty Python’s Holy Grail Cave Rabbit would be awesome!

  43. DEMIZE! said,

    August 25, 2007 at 7:22

    Giant Japanese robots could help.

  44. Lesley said,

    August 25, 2007 at 7:34

    real animals can’t compete with the fearsome samsquamch!

  45. Herr Doktor Bimler said,

    August 25, 2007 at 7:50

    What about rhinogrades! And caminalcules!
    http://nsm1.nsm.iup.edu/rgendron/Caminalcules.shtml

  46. Lesley said,

    August 25, 2007 at 8:01

    Big dirty shit hawks

  47. Incontinentia Buttocks said,

    August 25, 2007 at 9:24

    Keep the bears and pumas coming, folks! As soon as the bears and pumas stop, that’s when the Sadrists and the ex-Baathists get the upper hand!

    The who and the ex-who? Never heard of those guys!

    Keep the bears and pumas coming, folks! As soon as the bears and pumas stop, that’s when al Qaeda gets the upper hand!

    There! Fixed it!

  48. DEMIZE! said,

    August 25, 2007 at 9:33

    AhhYiahhh!Down the memory hizzie yall!

  49. DEMIZE! said,

    August 25, 2007 at 9:48

    Excuse me,but,doesn’t that blobfish have a striking resemblance to Jimmy Durante?

  50. Tobin Maker said,

    August 25, 2007 at 10:15

    Typical disgusting liberal pin. Stupid potty humor to try to cover up the fact that America is surging steadily towards victory in Iraq

    In Christ’s Name.

  51. Anne Laurie said,

    August 25, 2007 at 11:01

    Myself, I’d go with racoons, or tanuki. Lots and LOTS of racoons and/or tanuki, plus maybe some red foxes for the Brit troops. Between the trash cans bashing and the squalling and the territorial scent-marking, it would be almost as noisy & chaotic, but with a lot fewer dead people. And after a few weeks, Shiite and Sunni and Kurd could all come together to express the universal human urge, namely: “If those effin’ tanuki start another 140-decibel argument over our garbage at 3am, I am *soooo* gonna go car-bomb my own garage….”

    And if even packs of roving racoons didn’t quell the Iraqi peoples’ cranky temperaments, we could always ship in the Canada geese, and let them find out the original meaning of the phrase “loose as a goose”.

  52. lobbey said,

    August 25, 2007 at 11:42

    These buffoons are no longer grasping at straws, they’re grabbing at spider webs.

    Please tell me that shit wasn’t Steyn?

    Forget your bears and pums, what you need is Wolfen.

    http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0083336/

  53. Pere Ubu said,

    August 25, 2007 at 13:53

    A-HEM.

    and AHEM.

    Further AHEM.

    Ditto AHEM.

    I will leave the heavy Photoshop lifting to others – my ability with said arcane arts is weak.

  54. Big Kahuna Burger said,

    August 25, 2007 at 13:55

    If the Andrew Sullivan Brigade is going to be jogging down dangerous alleys, don’t skimp on their gear– put ‘em in Asics Gels instead.

  55. Qetesh the Abyssinian said,

    August 25, 2007 at 15:16

    Anne, tanuki are a good idea. And how about possums? Here’s a quote from the wiki page:

    The loud hissing, crackling territorial call of the male Common Brushtail may also be a problem for suburban residents.

    And here’s the less-polite translation: you get a couple of those fuckers nesting in your roof and it sounds like Helter Skelter all over again. Jaysus, you’d swear half a dozen mezzo-sopranos were being slowly murdered at 3 am, which is when they do their stuff.

    A coupla dozen of them and there’d be no need for a surge: the residents would all be queueing up at the gates of the local US prison just so they could get some sleep.

  56. DrDick said,

    August 25, 2007 at 15:39

    As someone who actually lives in a town (of 60,000), which is rather routinely infested with bears and mountain lions (at least on the edges of town), I have to say that the likely results would be disappointing. Despite routine and frequent bear incursions (even into the middle of town on occasion), as well as the more episodic puma intrusion, we have never lost a single person (and only a few cats and dogs) or even had any attacks on people during the nine years I have lived here. Further proof that these people have no idea what they are talking about and cannot be bothered to do their research.

  57. Righteous Bubba said,

    August 25, 2007 at 16:21

    Further proof that these people have no idea what they are talking about and cannot be bothered to do their research.

    If THE BIBLE is not proof that a plague of bears can get the job done I don’t know what is. Stuff your scientifical reasoning!

  58. D. Sidhe said,

    August 25, 2007 at 18:08

    Sure, Dr Dick, but we’re talking extremely hot, angry bears and puma. Also, why are we overlooking skunks? Chemical warfare at its finest!

  59. Duros62 said,

    August 25, 2007 at 18:26

    Thank you, Righteous Bubba, for reminding me of that story. Clearly, you gotta piss off the bears and pumas first.

  60. Duros62 said,

    August 25, 2007 at 18:31

    Typical disgusting liberal [s]pin. Stupid potty humor to try to cover up the fact that America is surging steadily towards victory in Iraq.

    Are you for real?

  61. stringonastick said,

    August 25, 2007 at 18:38

    McAddlebrain is just another neocon fuckwit trying to keep the philosphical fires going by changing the brand name, but not the content.

    I’ve known some of these types of assholes rather well. One was a wealthy neocon/libertaritard snot who after he got his MD, decided he’d rather be a hedge fund manager instead; he never got around to getting his grand financial empire off the ground since he spent more time (and mumsie’s money) mentally masturbating about it than actually doing it. He’d wax on and on that if you are sick and too poor to pay for your care then fuck you, die, and hopefully before you’ve had a chance to reproduce. Because if you couldn’t pay for your care then you didn’t deserve to live because your poorness was proof of your inferiority, and you are just wasting oxygen or threatening to polute the gene pool. Maybe its a good thing he is no longer an MD…

    He’s the only true, high level silver spoon neocon/libertatitard I’ve known, but I’ve known more than a few who were of a middle class background. Each were obviously people who didn’t get along with their peers in school due to being “too smart” (yeah, right) and feel that it is their god-given right to rise to that pedestal so accurately described up-thread by Annie Laurie (I think, my apologies if I misattributed that). Each was convinced that they were about to crack open that door into the truly wealthy class, and their willingness to bow and tug their forelock to the members of that club while they tried to grub their way into the party is truly comical. The truly wealthy will just toss them out with the garbage once they are no longer useful, all the while being drolly amused at how these economic lessers have the temerity to think they are really going to get into the club as anything other than a waiter, maid, or butler.

    McAddlepate fits the latter catagory perfectly. My, she does have some really shocking realizations coming as time marches on for her. As for the Atlantic? Well, this is one of the many mags for whom the drop in circulation and fading of the paper-printed word holds no sorrow for me; something tells me they deserve such a fate, and besides, isn’t that a clear case of their beloved all-knowning, ruthlessly fair, and justice-dispensing invisible hand of the market doing the proper thing?

  62. ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,

    August 25, 2007 at 18:43

    Not only is Tobin Maker totally for real, like, his site has the solution:
    DNA Demons!

    Vote for Sam Brownback in 2008 and again in 2012. Jesus wouldn’t want DNA mutants walking the earth and neither would President Sam Brownback.

  63. Dorothy said,

    August 25, 2007 at 19:09

    This shot of the kodiak bear eating his trainers face has loads of possibilities…

    http://www.kodiakgrizzly.com/HomePage.htm

  64. Dorothy said,

    August 25, 2007 at 19:16

    Hee! You should also send Grizzly Bear over for a USO stint, while you’re at it…

  65. J— said,

    August 25, 2007 at 20:03

    Send Bat Boy and friends. They should be looking for work now that the Weekly World News is no more.

  66. mikey said,

    August 25, 2007 at 20:34

    Jesus wouldn’t want DNA mutants walking the earth and neither would President Sam Brownback.

    Well, I’ll be damned. And here all along I thought Sam Brownback WAS a DNA mutant…

    mikey

  67. ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,

    August 25, 2007 at 20:55

    Mikey, he just doesn’t want any competition.

    J– …the Weekly World News is no more.

    NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111!

  68. Anne Laurie said,

    August 25, 2007 at 20:56

    Qetesh, I apologize for overlooking our Aussie allies — possums will be a neccessity in our new Project Iraqi Varmints!

    Also, if we are driven to the extreme-terror level of Canada geese (who are not only noisy, quarrelsome & imperious, like feathered neocons, but notorious for their production of enormous vile-smelling slimy turds) we will need to bring in coyotes as well. Unfortunately, coyotes are quite as happy to eat free-ranging cats & smaller dogs as they are to eat goose eggs & goslings, but they’re not climbers so the racoons, tanuki and presumably possums would be safe. Also the skunks. And some people think coyote “singing” is quite as attractive as wolfsong, although wolves don’t usually do choral howling in suburban backyards…

  69. Woodrowfan said,

    August 25, 2007 at 20:56

    I think I have a modified attack baboon here somewhere I could lend. lemme check the garden shed….

  70. mikey said,

    August 25, 2007 at 21:05

    One word:

    Kudzu!!!

    mikey

  71. J— said,

    August 25, 2007 at 21:32

    Tell me about it, ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®©. The Weekly World News is a popular cultural institution, and Ed Anger is a wingnut OG. An English teacher at my high school used to Anger’s column to his class.

    mikey: Kudzu and love bugs!

  72. Trilateral Chairman said,

    August 25, 2007 at 21:59

    Mikey:

    I’ll see your kudzu and raise you some poison ivy and wisteria. In less than a year, the insurgency will end because (1) nobody will be able to hack their way through the stuff to get to a good target, and (2) they’ll all be sitting in baths of calamine lotion, scratching themselves and moaning in agony.

    As for other weird animals, there’s the kiwi (nifty, but not necessarily useful for invasion purposes), aphids (born pregnant, like tribbles)…I have more, but my file of weird-animal papers is unfortunately sealed up in a box somewhere.

  73. ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,

    August 25, 2007 at 22:02

    By the way, people, Dan Maffei is over at the Lake..

    I donated to Dan in 2006. He lost by only 3,000 votes, in spite of being outspent $1,787,552 to $918,270. I donated $100 plus 10% tip to Act Blue today, because I have a job that causes me vast amounts of despair, also pays decently.

    If any of you folks could spare just $5, please take the time to go there and help out. Because numbers of donors matters even more than the amount of dollars for those of us who want our voices heard in the Democratic party.

    Dan Maffei is running against James Walsh.

    Walsh is a prominent endorser of Rudy Giuliani’s Presidential campaign, He recently stated: “I know what Rudy Giuliani can do. I was proud to work with Rudy while he was Mayor and I’ve seen the direct results of his actions and his demands for accountability and high standards. When times are tough, he’s the leader you want, and I’m proud to support him for President”.

  74. Tobin Maker said,

    August 25, 2007 at 22:03

    “Then he went up from there to Bethel; and as he was going up by the way, young lads came out from the city and mocked him and said to him, “Go up, you baldhead; go up, you baldhead!
    When he looked behind him and saw them, he cursed them in the name of the LORD. Then two female bears came out of the woods and tore up forty-two lads of their number. And he went from there to Mount Carmel, and from there he returned to Samaria.”

    Anything you lieberals come up with, my Lord thought of with thousands of years ago.

    Tobin Maker, Resident Pastor, Baptists for Brownback 2008

  75. Pere Ubu said,

    August 25, 2007 at 22:08

    One major hole in the plan so far (aside from the lack of giant robots thing I tried to suggest solutions for in my post back at 13:53) is the question of how to deal with terrorists who try to flee using the Tigris and/or Euphrates, which would allow them to avoid the pumas at the very least.

    Ladies and gentlemen (and trolls), TEH DREADED CANDIRU!!!ZOMGELEVEN:

    http://www.damninteresting.com/?p=797

  76. Worst. President. Ever. said,

    August 25, 2007 at 22:16

    Fuck the bears, pumas and badgers.

    Sorry to rain on anyone’s parade, but what this nation needs is to get the message across to the insurgents that we are SERIOUS about WINNING this thing.

    And the best way to do it: by sending over some soldiers that show just HOW serious we really are.

    I just happen to have a little list:

    Military Service Eligible Children of George W. Bush

    Jenna Bush
    Barbara Bush

    Military Service Eligible Children of Jeb Bush

    George P. Bush
    Noelle Bush
    John Ellis Bush Jr.

    Military Service Eligible Children of Neil Bush

    Lauren Bush
    Pierce Bush

    Military Service Eligible Children of Marvin Bush

    Marshall Bush

    Military Service Eligible Children of Dorothy Bush Koch

    Samuel LeBlond
    Ellie LeBlond

    Once the insurgents find out that Bush and his whole family are all really serious about winning this war— not like the Vietnam one, when they stayed away in droves— well, they’re gonna be so scared, they’ll surrender right away.

  77. ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,

    August 25, 2007 at 22:20

    Once the insurgents find out that Bush and his whole family are all really serious about winning this war— not like the Vietnam one, when they stayed away in droves— well, they’re gonna be so scared, they’ll surrender right away.

    I don’t think the insurgents will quake in their boots until we send over some Kagans and Kristols.

  78. ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,

    August 25, 2007 at 22:23

    Ahem. (Did I actually leave that tag open?)

  79. Legalize said,

    August 25, 2007 at 22:36

    That market resembles many markets in Indiana! Teh Pumaz iz wirking!!!

  80. mikey said,

    August 25, 2007 at 22:44

    Anything you lieberals come up with, my Lord thought of with thousands of years ago.

    If you say so, big fella, but one small point, if I may? You’re lord is a ridiculously crappy writer. You got a concept going there, with the bears tearing up 42 lads, and not even a SECOND FUCKING SENTENCE to flesh it out? I swear, if your lord wrote Bullitt he woulda said “and there came to pass a spectacular car chase” and that woulda been it. Your lord really needs to take a remedial creative writing class, is all I’m saying.

    And while he’s at it, maybe you could take an hour out and watch “Footloose”. Maybe learn that if you’re all the time an uptight baptist fire-n-brimstone preacher, all up in everybody’s business all the time, not only will your life be shitty, but you make everybody elses life shitty, and they all hate you.

    mikey

  81. ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,

    August 25, 2007 at 22:53

    Tornadoezzz!

    Guess I’m supposed to head for the basement.

    Kthxbai!

  82. Gavin M. said,

    August 25, 2007 at 22:54

    I swear, if your lord wrote Bullitt he woulda said “and there came to pass a spectacular car chase” and that woulda been it.

    Mikey is teh roxxor!

  83. Herr Doktor Bimler said,

    August 25, 2007 at 23:52

    “Then two female bears came out of the woods and tore up forty-two lads of their number. And he went from there to Mount Carmel, and from there he returned to Samaria.”

    Mikey’s right. I thought the Old Testament was supposed to be all about grand language, great narratives, but where’s the slow build-up of tension? Come to think of it, where’s the product placement?

  84. Downriver Gal said,

    August 26, 2007 at 1:28

    Ed Anger is a wingnut OG.

    From my favorite column of his, about the “death of macho,” mourning the demise of real men like John Wayne (“men who had cancer five or six times.”)

    Real men don’t say much. Sentences should be no longer than “Get me a beer.”

  85. billy pilgrim said,

    August 26, 2007 at 1:42

    really, the Intertubes would be about half the size if not for Monty Python.

  86. DEMIZE! said,

    August 26, 2007 at 2:52

    “From my favorite column of his, about the “death of macho,” mourning the demise of real men like John Wayne (”men who had cancer five or six times.”)” Yeah who played soldiers and were John Birchers and good merkans,but never served when it was their time.Like Ronnie Reagan who liked to tell storys about the war he fought from Hollywood.Ahh good times.It’s all Cog-Dis all the time.Stay tuned.

  87. Anne Laurie said,

    August 26, 2007 at 3:02

    WPE, you may have to take Jenna Bush off that list temporarily. I don’t think they’re accepting pregnant women for basic training. Once she drops the sprog, of course, she’ll be eligible again — as will her tobacco-heir buy-a-hubbie.

  88. Ahmed Sistani said,

    August 26, 2007 at 4:14

    I, for one, welcome our new bear and puma overlords.

  89. The Clark Family of New Hampshire said,

    August 26, 2007 at 4:21

    Hey, your bear/puma idea sounds terrific.

    Please let us know how we can help. As you can see, we’re pretty experienced when it comes to this sort of thing – well, the part about bears, anyway.

    Pumas, we’ll have to learn about them. But once you’ve worked with bears, you can work with anything.

    Bear hugs to you,
    Maureen and Murray

  90. M. Bouffant said,

    August 26, 2007 at 4:33


    “Then he went up from there to Bethel; and as he was going up by the way, young lads came out from the city and mocked him and said to him, “Go up, you baldhead; go up, you baldhead!
    When he looked behind him and saw them, he cursed them in the name of the LORD. Then two female bears came out of the woods and tore up forty-two lads of their number. And he went from there to Mount Carmel, and from there he returned to Samaria.”

    Hey, Pastor, thought you weren’t supposed to invoke the name of your feudal “LORD” in vain? Does “baldhead” refer to Rudy “The Mobbed-up Catholic” Giuliani, the mafia guy from NYC?

  91. Righteous Bubba said,

    August 26, 2007 at 4:50

    Fly bears to Iraq
    And they’ll chomp on the Sunnis
    Shredding their faces
    As if they were bunnies

    Send pumas as well
    And they’ll gnaw on the Shia
    Testing the limits of
    Onomatopoeia

  92. D. Sidhe said,

    August 26, 2007 at 5:18

    I, for one, welcome our new bear and puma overlords.

    Holy shit, I can’t believe we had to go that many comments to get to that. Gang, we’re slipping.

  93. owlbear1 said,

    August 26, 2007 at 5:19

    Da Bears…

  94. mikey said,

    August 26, 2007 at 5:22

    Yes, bears for the Baath
    Just take a minute, do the math
    They’ll kill your shiite and sunni
    And your turkmen – for money

    And pumas can kill
    All the mullahs with skill
    But when distracted by dogs
    They had no interest in wogs

    mikey

  95. Righteous Bubba said,

    August 26, 2007 at 5:42

    Bears snarl through the mosques
    Unicycling through blood
    Like bears from that Garp guy
    Not Bernard Malamud

    The pumas leap downward
    From verandas and trees
    Eating every Iraqi’s
    Much-prized Pekingese

  96. mikey said,

    August 26, 2007 at 5:55

    The pumas, with their fur so tawny
    Ate Grand Ayatollah Sistani
    And in the shadows, took a leisurely nap
    And then took a clerical crap

    The bears, in the meantime, ate fighters
    Ate their smokes, but spit out their lighters
    After eating their fill of the troops
    The bears took their militant poops

  97. Righteous Bubba said,

    August 26, 2007 at 6:07

    Bears lope down the alleyways
    Pawing through trash
    Uncovering bales of
    American cash

    Pumas slink through the brothels
    And slash at the johns
    Showing Ali no mercy
    Hassan flees in chiffon

  98. Qetesh the Abyssinian said,

    August 26, 2007 at 6:11

    Ewwww, those candiru fish are tres icky. I particularly love the caption for the close-up pic: “Do not back up. Severe urethra damage.”

    To keep the nasties going, I’ll add the funnel-web spider for the land, and box jellyfish for the water. The funnel-webs, at least, are very aggressive (“Oy, matey, get this stitched!”), and would be pursuing people left and right.

    Apologies for being unable to rhyme anything today. I’ve left my rhyming brain at my sister’s house.

  99. mikey said,

    August 26, 2007 at 6:17

    Roaming the green zone
    The bears show no pity
    They ate the ambassador
    They ate the ambassadors kitty

    The Pumas moved on
    To Baghdad’s south side
    They slept on the lawn
    In a tight little pride

  100. Notorious P.A.T. said,

    August 26, 2007 at 6:23

    Fly bears to Iraq
    And they’ll chomp on the Sunnis. . .

    That’s darn good stuff right there.

    Does anyone know why the Weekly World News is closing up shop?

  101. Righteous Bubba said,

    August 26, 2007 at 6:27

    Bears swing from the wires
    And end up in the shower
    They come out unshocked as
    The wires have no power

    Pumas munch on the snipers
    And sniff at their guns
    Paw at their crotches
    And nip at their buns

  102. Qetesh the Abyssinian said,

    August 26, 2007 at 6:29

    The bears they are hungry
    The bears want to eat
    They crunch up the soldiers
    Except for the feet

    It’s not for the boots
    That’re meaty and chewy
    It’s the feetses inside
    That make a bear feel quite ewwwy

  103. mikey said,

    August 26, 2007 at 6:35

    The pumas come down
    Hunting for Prey
    Leaving the rooftops
    To eat Kurds and Whey

    Bears like Arabs
    Hardly ever eat persians
    They don’t mean nothin by it
    So don’t cast aspersions

  104. Righteous Bubba said,

    August 26, 2007 at 6:39

    The pumas head North
    Sneaking into Mosul
    Grinding their teeth
    Into torso and skull

    They start up a brief
    Dairy factory fray
    Just to find out if
    They like Kurds and whey

  105. J— said,

    August 26, 2007 at 6:39

    To fight them there
    Instead of here
    We would not err
    To send a bear

  106. Righteous Bubba said,

    August 26, 2007 at 6:39

    Fucker with the whey!

  107. Righteous Bubba said,

    August 26, 2007 at 6:42

    Bears provide an answer
    To that darned Iraqi cancer

    Pumas will clean up
    What the bears don’t deign to sup

  108. Simba B. said,

    August 26, 2007 at 6:44

    They ate the ambassadors kitty

    That, I think, would be the real tragedy.

  109. mikey said,

    August 26, 2007 at 6:45

    Maybe the whey
    Was in some kind of dispute
    But the kurds and the pumas
    Didn’t give a hoot

    They picked up their shit
    And they headed out
    Bears and Pumas ate them all
    On a bed of Saurkraut

  110. Righteous Bubba said,

    August 26, 2007 at 6:53

    Bears came swimming
    Down the Tigris
    Smelling stinky
    But I digress

    Once ashore
    They ate a boatman
    And then that was
    All she wrote man

  111. J— said,

    August 26, 2007 at 7:07

    Cut that Luger, get with this cougar
    Bears eat flesh, from the head down to the toes
    And this every Sadrist knows:
    Where the claws go, peace and liberty grow

  112. Righteous Bubba said,

    August 26, 2007 at 7:20

    Pumas slurp the marrow of the dread Iraqi horde
    Bears will chew their sinews with a passion untoward
    The rivers and the streams will all run red with blood and then
    The beasts march to Afghanistan to kill and kill again

  113. owlbear1 said,

    August 26, 2007 at 7:42

    Gifts, souvenirs, novelties.

  114. Herr Doktor Bimler said,

    August 26, 2007 at 9:40

    B is for Basil,
    Assaulted by bears.

  115. Herr Doktor Bimler said,

    August 26, 2007 at 9:43

    Does “baldhead” refer to Rudy “The Mobbed-up Catholic” Giuliani, the mafia guy from NYC?
    My mental movie of the “She-bears ripped up 42 youths!” episode stars Bruce Willis in the role of the prophet Elisha.

  116. J— said,

    August 26, 2007 at 14:11

    The insurgent cancer
    Has an answer
    To this land, sir
    Send the panther

  117. stringonastick said,

    August 26, 2007 at 17:37

    Let’s send the bear from Scotter Libby’s novel, and make sure its good and horny before we let it loose! That ‘ll end this thing in a second, or at least create a huge number of comfort women (and men, if the bear is truly, truly horny) with a weird neocon fanatasy serving as a formative period in their professional lives. The woody that all the neocons would get just at the thought of it should keep them out of politics for years!

  118. Big Kahuna Burger said,

    August 26, 2007 at 17:58

    Here are an IED-disarming bear and a troop-entertaining puma.

    Quite a pair, a DUO even!

  119. Righteous Bubba said,

    August 26, 2007 at 18:48

    Bears? Why you can
    Go to hell sir
    The army is
    Don’t ask don’t tell sir

  120. RubDMC said,

    August 26, 2007 at 19:06

    I’d love to get in on this bear doggerel, but I can’t get past:

    There once was a bear from Nantucket…

    - – -
    Alright, let’s try these –

    I think that I shall never hear
    A growling lovelier than a bear.
    A puma’s snarl is also nice,
    When eating, they vomit, and so
    Eat twice.
    - – -

    Part One: Life

    II

    OUR share of night with bears,
    Our share of mourning,
    Our blank in bliss to kill,
    Our blank in the global war on terror.

    Here a star, and there a puma,
    Some lose their way.
    Here a mist, and there a chewed-up islamofascist insurgent,
    Afterwards—ponies!

    (apologies to Emily Dickinson)

  121. RubDMC said,

    August 26, 2007 at 19:13

    How ’bout some Haiku?

    The bears of Iraq
    Eat Shia and Sunnis both
    The pumas – just Kurds.

    - – -

    This new plan is great
    We’ll win with bears and pumas
    After that, Iran.

    - – -

    The bears will mop up
    The pumas will watch, and wait.
    Hey! Leave some for me.

  122. Righteous Bubba said,

    August 26, 2007 at 19:36

    The noble puma stalks Iraq
    Snapping bones in sneak attacks
    The valiant bear patrols the streets
    Feasting on insurgent meat

    For freedom! Mangle brownish tots!
    For justice! Slaughter girls in lots!
    Let Liberty’s Paw smash brains to pulp!
    And Peace’s Maw rend flesh to gulp!

  123. mikey said,

    August 26, 2007 at 20:35

    Bears and Pumas send martyrs to heaven
    Impervious to the AK47
    And then ZOMG PONIES!!!!11Eleven

    Corrupt Iraqis flee the Bears
    Only to encounter Puma Pairs
    For deliverance they turn to allah and pray
    While the Bears and Pumas say “Let us Prey”

  124. J— said,

    August 26, 2007 at 20:41

    A lion from the mountains of Cali
    From the Green Zone one fine day did sally
    She ate all the Baathists
    Cached the last Islofascist
    Then went to the market to dally

  125. Righteous Bubba said,

    August 26, 2007 at 21:06

    While a bear started eating his leg
    An insurgent was then heard to beg
    “Bear spare me! Have pity!”
    And the bear thought it witty
    To let pumas crack his skull like an egg

  126. Batocchio said,

    August 27, 2007 at 22:35

    I’m lovin’ this theme. Keep ‘em coming!

  127. Sadly, No! » How About Sponsoring One Frickin’ Puma, Mark? said,

    September 1, 2007 at 18:14

    [...] proprietors of this bear show have valiantly pledged their support in bear recruitment. But many deployed bears are still operating with unarmored unicycles, and [...]

  128. Sadly, No! » We’re Winning said,

    November 15, 2007 at 23:12

    [...] Selections from the Norton Anthology of Iraqi Bear and Puma Poetry: [...]

  129. Sadly, No! » Credit where she be due said,

    February 22, 2008 at 3:46

    [...] true. Besides, if Bush had tried employing our bear-and-puma strategy, he could have had violence in Iraq down to practically [...]

  130. Sadly, No! » Freedom’s just another word for threatening to kill women who don’t wear veils said,

    April 6, 2008 at 17:35

    [...] least the bears and pumas wouldn’t force women to wear veils, that’s all I’ma [...]

  131. Saddygagphymn said,

    August 16, 2008 at 3:59

    I’m new here, just wanted to say hello and introduce myself.

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