Dick Cheney is so secretive, he’s [SUBMISSION DELETED]

Dick Cheney is so secretive, he could tell you what’s in the Constitution, but then he’d have to kill you.

Dick Cheney is so secretive that Howard Hughes is a little creeped out by it.
Dick Cheney is so secretive, that the Devil himself will not reveal the location reserved for him in hell.
Dick Cheney is so secretive, he’s invented his own “Thought Redacter– actually a mixture of Jim Beam and glue huffing.
Psst…. Listen, you want to know how secretive Dick Cheney is?… I’ll tell you but we can’t talk here… meet me by th– ghughggh [fall down to reveal a knife in the back]

Dick Cheney is so secretive that nobody knows his wife Lynne is actually Dick Cheney in drag – not even Lynne!

Dick Cheney is so secretive he’d blend in in the real world if he ever visited.

Dick Cheney is so secretive his momma’s school picture had to be taken via spy satellite.

Dick Cheney is so secretive, *shadows* can lurk inside *him*.

Dick Cheney is so secretive, Darkwing Duck ain’t got shit on him.

And that’s on top of my head, so bear that in mind before you order me to never attempt a joke again. Or declare a fatwa or whathaveyou!

Dick Cheney’s so secretive that when he sits around the house, he really doesn’t let anyone know about it at all.

What secrets lurk in the heart of Dick Cheney? The Shadow knows! Ha-ha-ha-hah!

Dick Cheney is so secretive his left hand doesn’t know what his right hand is doing.

When you greet him with a “How are you today?’ He replies: “That’s on a need to know basis, and YOU don’t need to know.”

Any teacher who has ever seen his permanent record is currently in Gitmo.

[redacted] is so [redacted] he keeps his [reacted] in YOUR secret [redacted}

Dick Cheney is so secretive, his kids don’t know who their father is.

Dick Cheney is secreting so much bile he has little catch pockets in his socks to avoid damaging the Whitehouse carpets.

Dick Cheney is so secretive he makes Freemasons look like amateurs.

Dick Cheney is so secretive that when he dies his body will be held for 25 years before being released by the National Archives.

Dick Cheney is so secretive his wife has to file a FOIA request before he refuses to pass the O.J.

Dick Cheney is so secretive he makes ninja masters look like a Fire Island Gay Pride parade.

Dick Cheney is so secretive, the President employs Chuck Norris to beat his daily itinerary out of him.

Dick Cheney is secretive that the NSA uses his sweat to encrypt the launch codes.

Dick Cheney is so secretive, he makes black holes look like Joan and Melissa Rivers.

Dick Cheney is so secretive… go fuck yourself.

dick cheney is so secretive, he has had an iphone since 1999

dick cheney is so secretive, he is actually an illegal immigrant with a fake social security number

dick cheney is so secretive, he tonguejacked my shitbox and i thought it was your mom

Dick Cheney is so secretive he can’t even find his own ass with both hands.

Dick Cheney is so secretive, the toilet in his undisclosed location has a shredder just below the trap.

Not a joke…..but there’s a story that goes around about Dick Cheney that he carries a hip flask.

Full of hydrogen peroxide.

Which he swigs from throughout the day.

And offers to share with other people.

Dick Cheney is so secretive, he refused to be member of the Skull and Bones club…

Dick Cheney is so secretive nobody knows he died of a heart attack 3 1/2 years ago.

Dick Cheney is so secretive, his poker “tell” is a lie.

Dick Cheney is so secretive, his x-rays show pictures depicting Mediterranean scenes.

Dick Cheney is so secretive, he farts in public but leaves the room to sneeze.

Dick Cheney is so secretive, he only talks to himself on a “need to know” basis.

AkaDad said,

So that’s why he flunked out of Yale.

So that’s why he flunked out of Yale.

I believe so, but I’m not completely sure, since the relevant documents were redacted…

Dick Cheney is so secretive, when he appears on The Match Game, “blank” becomes the actual answer.

WF

Dick Cheney is so secretive, he has his bathroom mirror garroted each morning for “eyeballing me”.

Dick Cheney is so secretive… go fuck yourself.

Damn that’s hot.

Dick Cheney is so secretive his luggage has 16-bit encryption.

Dick Cheney is so secretive that his many lawyer-client privileges include shooting his lawyer in the face.

Dick Cheney is so secretive that we may never find the Bat Cave.

I’m in mai bunker, not tellin U ware.

Dick Cheney is so secretive he will neither confirm nor deny whether or not he was Mary Cheney’s sperm donor.

Dick Cheney is so secretive that when he puts his penis inside you…you can’t even feel it.

Lynne Cheney told me that one.

Dick Cheney is so secretive, if you know his momentum, his undisclosed location is fundamentally unknowable.

Dick Cheney is so secretive, he pisses NSA encryption algorithms and shits Opus Dei supernumeraries.

Dick Cheney is so secretive his lift and right hands think they are only children, but are always suspicious that he’s getting strange handjobs.

-Dick Cheney is so secretive, because hippies can’t handle the truth!

-Dick Cheney is so secretive, because liberals are more concerned with following the law than killing murderers.

-Dick Cheney is so secretive, because his alter ego is Batman.

-Dick Cheney is so secretive, as is the case with all gods.

Dick Cheney is so secretive he shits into a shredder.

Dick Cheney is so secretive he sends a body double into a brothel.

Dick Cheney is so secretive he keeps his left and right shoe in different rooms to prevent unauthorized transmission of information.

Dick Cheney is so secretive, he makes Richard Helms look like Martha Mitchell (a little ’70s humor for the older set).

Dick Cheney is so secretive he knows what the “G” in G. Gordon Liddy stands for…but he ain’t tellin’.

Dick Cheney is so secretive he impresses dolts like Kevin.

Sorry, J–
didn’t mean to steal your shredder bit.

“Dick Cheney is so secretive” that he secretly invented a secret new part of the constitution that secretly empowers a secret branch of the government to secretly change laws so he can better publicly ignore them.

Dick Cheney is so secretive, he avoids Area 51 because he is afraid of leaks.

Dick Cheney is so secretive his pacemaker’s signals are encrypted.

Dick Cheney is so secretive he plans for his funeral plot to be a unmarked 55 gallon drum in a toxic waste dump.

Great minds think alike, DocAmazing—about potty humor.

Let’s do this tag-team style.

Dick Cheney is so secretive, he shits into a shredder and then has an aide dump the night soil into a toilet retrofitted with a second shredder.

and then has the aide killed

Dick Cheney is so malevolent that when he enters a room the temperature falls ten degrees.

What?

Oh. I got nothing…

mikey

Dick Cheney is so secretive he has a signed Presidental directive making it a capital crime for his wife to discuss their sex life in public.
Dick Cheney is so secretive he wears an invisible hairpiece.
Dick Cheney is so secretive he had his heart removed and placed in a secure, underground location.

Dick Cheney is so secretive that the only way to see him is to highlight with your cursor under the “SPOILERS BELOW” headline.

Dick Cheney is so secretive, only he knows for sure. Fuck the hairdresser.

liberals are more concerned with following the law than killing murderers.

Hey, I’d proudly wear a badge that says that!

I AM more concerned with following the law than vigilante lynching! wihtout benefit of due process

Dick Cheney is so secretive he stole America’s constitution, and the establishment media didn’t notice.

Dick Cheney is so secretive he started a war based on lies, and the establishment media didn’t notice.

Dick Cheney is so secretive, one Christmas he shot Santa Claus in the face. None of the children got presents that year.

Dick Cheney is so secretive, as a child, he changed the name of the game to “Hide”.

Building on Dr. BDH:

What secrets lurk in the heart of Dick Cheney? Not even the Shadow knows that shit. Damn.

Dick Cheney is so secretive that he only takes leaks.

Dick Cheney is so secretive that God doesn’t know when he’s masturbating.

Dick Cheney is so secretive he’s started ending every single interaction with “I’ll be lurking.”

Dick Cheney is so secretive that when he takes a dump he ends up with more poo up his butt than when he started. Same deal when he takes a piss. And he never exhales.

Dick Cheney is so secretive that when Lynne asks him “was it good for you?”/the Burger King attendant says “how can I help you today?”/an infomercial announcer says “fed up with that miserable flat bed???” he says “that’s, uh, classified” before shoving them roughly to a Secret Service agent with an instruction to “find out what they know”.

“find out what they know”.

rhymes with

“send ’em to Gitmo”

Dick Cheney is so secretive, he refuses to throw out the ceremonial first pitch. Instead, he insists on performing the ceremonial first hidden ball trick.

Dick Cheney is so secretive, he wears a ‘Nats hat and dark sunglasses in his hot_man_love.com profile pic – and his headline reads: “discretion a must.”

Dick Cheney is so secretive, he had the gas station attendant shipped to Gitmo for asking him whether that would be cash or credit.

Dick Cheney is so secretive that he has a Secreter Service detail.

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Dick Cheney is so secretive that nobody knows if he wants fries with that.

Dick Cheney is so secretive he personally redacted ittdgy’s last comment.

Dick Cheney is so secretive he christened his sub Rosa.

lol
Dick Cheney is so secretive, not even geebus knows when Dick’s coming back.

Dick Cheney is so secretive that he owns controlling interest in the “In Your Mother’s Eye(TM)” needle consortium!

Dick Cheney is so secretive that he had developed a special line of “Oath be Bone! (TM)” bible covers for those tricky court cases and congressional hearings.

Dick Cheney is so secretive that he had developed a special line of “Oath be Gone! (TM)” bible covers for those tricky court cases and congressional hearings.

Cheney is so secretive he won’t tell his computer the password.

Dick Cheney is so secretive, he has several heart attacks a year, just to mix things up when his other organs are getting complacent with the blood flow arrangement.

Dick Cheney is so secretive, he records himself singing in the shower just to make sure that *that man in there* doesn’t give anything away.

Dick Cheney is so secretive he needed five draft deferments to keep his secretive ass out of ‘Nam. So go fuck yourself.

Who’s Dick Cheney? I’ve never heard of him.

Dick Cheney is so secretive that he won’t send his underpants out to the laundry. Hence his other code name, “Stinky”….

mikey

Dick Cheney is so secretive that all those easter eggs have yet to be found.

liberals are more concerned with following the law than killing murderers.

Because as a great man once said, “We are a nation of killers, not of laws.”

Or something.

Dick Cheney is so secretive he has hidden all the funny comments about himself from a normally good Sadly, No! thread.

Fucking impressive, I have to say.

Hey, we can’t be geniuses every day. We’re not gods.

Dick Cheney is so secretive he banned Avogadro’s number from his office.
The only way anyone knows he’s near is the Jaws theme begins to play.
He refuses to take off the life-like sneering mask even for his dermatologist. His dentist has higher clearance than Hoover did. Not even the rats are aware that his undisclosed location is in the sewers under Was

Dick Cheney is so secretive he’s managed to hide from himself that his daughter is a lesbian.

Dick Cheney is so secretive, Lynne didn’t know they’d consumated their marriage until she gave birth.

Dick Cheney is so secretive, he makes interrogation look like a hunting accident.

Dick Cheney is so secretive, he had Ceiling Cat killed so there’d be no witnesses.

Dick Cheney is so secretive, he leaks the identity of covert operatives and declassifies National Intelligence Estimates to score political points…
…That one still needs work.

Dick Cheney has never seen himself naked.

Also, on a completely unrelated note, he’s very secretive.

Dick Cheney is so secretive, his mother thinks she’s still pregnant.

dick cheney is so secretive he is actually Jimmy Hoffa

dick cheney is so secretive nobody knew he had his first period until like a year after it happened

dick cheney is so secretive nobody ever found out he was the second shooter

dick cheney is so secretive he stole sadam’s WMD’s and hid them in iran

Good one, Kevin.

I hear you do this for free.

Dick Chaney is so secretive that no-one has found out her true secret yet…

Jeez, I go away to do some other work and look how busy you guys are!

Dick Cheney is so secretive that his five tours of duty in Vietnam and many acts of heroism have never been reported.

Dick Cheney is so secretive he’s Digby.

Dick Cheney is so secretive he donates anonymously to charities you’ve never heard of.

Dick Cheney is so secretive he’s guarded by the secret secret service.

Dick Cheney is so extremely secretive he makes a skunk’s anal glands look attractive.

Dick Cheney is so secret that to him, dead men DO tale tails.

-Dick Cheney is so secretive, because liberals are more concerned with following the law than killing murderers.

Dick Cheney is so secretive that apologists like Kevin haven’t figured out that Teh Dick!(tm) doesn’t give a shit about murderers–unless they can increase his power or get him a big ol’ Torture Hard-On.

Dick Cheney is so secretive that he uses super-secret mind control lasers to make seemingly rational people say stuff like “Following the law is a bad thing.”

Dick Cheney is so secretive, as is the case with all gods.

Dick Cheney is so secretive that he somehow manages to elude the just punishment of Nemesis for his obscene hubris.

Dick Cheney is so secretive he hides his salami in a shrill black hole…

Who IS Dick Cheney? Google can’t find him.

Dick Cheney is so secretive, he keeps his passwords stitched into the inside of the Virgin Ben Shapiro’s underwear, where no human eyes will ever see them.

Dick Cheney is so secretive, he won’t even give himself clearance.

Dick Cheney is so secretive,

Who is Dick Cheney?

Lay off of Dick Cheney, you traitors!!!!
We are at war!!!! The enemy will kill us!!!! He needs to be secretive to protect our Country!!!! What if we had a VP who was not so secretive and would start leaking out top state secrets like the indentities of covert age… Oh wait… OK, never mind….

Dick Cheney is so secretive, if you know Dick Cheney’s position, it would be impossible to calculate his momemtum.

See Heisenberg

Dick Cheney is so secretive, if you know his position, you pants have already dropped and somehow you are grabbing your ankles….

brought to you by : teh lame (no affiliation to the commenter of the same appelation)

Dick Cheney is so secretive that he was able to take over the greatest democracy in the world and destoy it without the media or the American people realizing it.

Dick Cheney is so secretive that he became totally deranged in order to avoid the predictability of rational behavior.

Dick Cheney is so secretive that he became totally deranged in order to avoid the predictability of rational behavior.

I move that this submission be rejected. This thread is for jokes.

Dick Cheney is so secretive that he is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I’ve ever known in my life.

Mommy?

Dick Cheney is so secretive, his undisclosed location is Atlantis, or in the Bermuda Triangle.

And LOL at Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle.

… In the same vein… Dick Cheney is so secretive he won’t tell you what happened to Schroedinger’s Cat.

-Dick Cheney is so secretive, only other Gods know his plan.

-Dick Cheney is so secretive, because the Democrats would not allow him to do good otherwise.

-Dick Cheney is so secretive, wait, no he isn’t! What are you guys talking about?

Dick Cheney is so secretive that no one notices when he manipulates his life-size ventriloquist dummy.

Dick Cheney is so secretive that the Total Information Awareness Office had to change its name once it realized they couldn’t be aware of Dick Cheney.

Dick Cheney is so secretive, he is strong enough for a man but made for a woman.

Dick Cheney is so secretive that he could sneak up on Chuck Norris.

Dick Cheney is so secretive that you can’t ever know his momentum nor his location, much less both (as if he’d be less secretive than a subatomic particle)

(or DIck Cheney is so secretive that the variability in attempts to measure him is infinite).

Dick Cheney is so secretive that it is impossible to know how secretive he truly is.

Dick Cheney is so secretive that he actually authored this post to distract the Left from finding out how secretive he is.

Dick Cheney is so secretive that not even he knows where he goes when he goes to his secret undiclosed locaiton.

How could so many people be so wrong? Isn’t it obvious? Dick Cheney is so secretive in order to keep the details of the ongoing Constitutional coup from emerging, thereby alerting the public and the media to the threat he poses to American liberty. Jeez, you people…

Oh! We were supposed to make a joke. Silly me. Um, how about, “Dick Cheney is so secretive that his mother spent four days in labor, and they finally had to coax him out with a guarantee of immunity from prosecution.”

Probably for being Hermann Goering in a past life.

Dick Cheney is so secretive the Secret Service can’t find him.

Dick Cheney is so secretive that he’s guarded by the Secretive Service.

Dick Cheney is so secretive he is not allowing late posters to read the earlier jokes thus making them look lame when they use the same ones. Thus he plans to embarrass the left into supporting Hilary Clinton. Who he secretly is.

Dick Cheney is so secretive that the little Baby Jesus is not sure whether he should be crying or not.

DIck Cheney is so secretive that Lynne Cheney does not know who the father of her children are.

Dick Cheney is so secretive that undercover is not far enough, he has to go undermattress.

Dick Cheney is so secretive that he tells one person the joke and another the punchline.

Dick Cheney is so secretive that:

1. he can’t tell the real reasons he does anything.
2. he won’t tell anyone who works for him … including the people who work for him.
3. the only true words he’s ever spoken have been threats.
4. nobody even knows what branch of the government he’s in.

Damn. Those would have been funny, if only they’d been exaggerations.

Here’s another round:

Dick Cheney is so secretive, his lawyer’s name is “Kobayashi”.

Dick Cheney is so secretive, he files his tax returns under “Senior Level Administration Staffer”.

Dick Cheney is so secretive, that when he falls in the woods, no one knows whether he makes a sound or not.

Dick Cheney is so secretive that not even light escapes from him.

Dick Cheney is so secretive mirrors don’t reflect his image.

Dick Cheney is so secretive, he had Ceiling Cat killed so there’d be no witnesses.

NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dick Cheney is so secretive that even Santa Claus doesn’t know if he’s been naughty or nice.

(I was unaware until I typed that sentence that Santa was a Republican….anyone else would KNOW that Darth Cheney is never nice…)

Dick Cheney is so secretive that he goes commando because he has already classified his own briefs..

Dick Cheney is so secretive that he looks better in a Miracle Bra than Tyra Banks, Heidi Klum OR Gisele Bundchen.

Dick Cheney is so secretive that his undisclosed location is actually a fictional garden in Yorkshire.

Dick Cheney is so secretive that everyday he manages to sneak into the National Archives carrying GWB on his back, pisses on the Constitution, and sneaks out without the Washington press corps or anyone on Capitol Hill realizing he’s done it.
(Sadly, they aren’t that tough to get one over on, no matter how big it is.)

By the way, what is Cheney’s Borg Identity? FUtus of Borg. In Borg lore FUtus is often depicted as offering the Borg symbol of unity to the masses.

Who else in the administration has a Borg identity? Why there’s Alberto Gonzalez whose Borg identity is Refutus which means: It’s not my fault.

What about Bush himself? He is known as BigDoofus of Borg. Well actually BigDoofus of half wit because the Borg refused to give Bush a Borg identity. Even the Borg failed to find a brain in that head. Since they could find no brain, the Borg implants failed to take root in BigDoofus of halfwit. Nevertheless, the Borg in an uncharacteristic show of compassion allowed Bush to glue “falsies”—fake Borg implants onto his person after he let it be known that he thought Borg implants “looked cool.”

Note there are other Borg identities out there.

Rush is known as BigGlutus of Borg.

Ann is known as ShrillShrewtus of Borg.

All of those senators who are crying over their recent losses in the immigration battles are collectively known as BooHootus of Borg.

Dick Cheney is so secretive, he talks about himself in the fourth person.
Dick Cheney may be so secretive, but we’re not sure.
Dick Cheney is so secretive, his lolcats have no captions at all.