More predictable than a Norbizness Caption Contest
Regular readers surely remember our January launch of the Real Scandal Pronouncement? Game!, in honor of the Wall Street Journal’s editorial on Senate Democrats’ blocking of some of Bush’s judicial nominees. If you missed it the first time around, the WSJ provides us with an excellent opportunity to play the game again. Writing on the Abu Ghraib prisoner torture abuse consensual pornography scandal, the WSJ argues:
Never mind that US troops abused Iraqi prisoners, the real scandal is that the Red Cross didn’t help keep the abuses secret.
Five months having passed since their latest entry, WSJ editors are eager to up the ante and proceed to create a brand new game in the process: The You Know What the Real Shame Is Histrionics:
We say this with regret, because it would be a real shame if the International Committee of the Red Cross (ICRC) became just another left-wing advocacy group along the lines of Human Rights Watch or Amnesty International. This would ruin its long-held status as trusted and neutral guardian of the Geneva Conventions around the world, but that’s the path it is now on.
Can you come up with more implausible expressions of regret? Post in the comments and win something.
PS to Norbizness: We keed.
Update: Added links to Norbizness in order to remove injury and preserve only the insult.
Update 2: Roy Edroso asks who the WSJ will go after next.
We say this with regret, because it would be a real shame if something should happen to your nice store here, but unless you pay us to protect you, something might ruin your long-held status of being in business. And alive.
Yeah, it would be a real shame if your store were to get torched with you inside it. And like I said, we would really regret it — for your widow’s and kids’ sake
Never mind that US troops abused Iraqi prisoners, the real scandal is that the Red Cross didn’t help keep the abuses secret.
Hermann Goering, 1946: Never mind Aushwitz, the real scandal is that England, France and the United States didn’t help us fight international communism by invading Russia.
Fuck.
Glenstone wins.
But what the hell…
“It would be a shame if the Surgeon General politicized his nonpartisan and highly respected office by continuing these baseless accusations that cigarettes ’cause lung cancer’.”
-Phillip Morris
wait, one more…
“It is a terrible shame that this small band of terrorists continues trying to incite the populace of these lands against us, for without our aid they would be bereft of leadership and incapable of managing their backwards civilization.”
-King George, 1773
Hey glenstone, replace “Hermann Goering” with “Ann Coulter” and it sounds just as natural.
Anyway, here’s mine:
“It would be a real tragedy if anyone tried to drive a wedge between me and one of my best friends by speculating on what we talk about during our duck-hunting trips.” ? Dick Cheney
Concluding cutting-edge research on international law, our quest for a successful interrogation model utilizes 360-degree feedback to gauge de-evolutionary not revolutionary game plans. Our regrets are regrettable.
–Don Rumsfeld
Our regrets from the valuation picture alone, leveraging Iraqi postitons brings a strategic presence to an enterpise-wide value framework.
–Paul Wolfowitz
Well, at least make my name turn into a link. This is insult and injury!
Hard to top glenstonecottage, but here goes …
Yes, there was rape, torture, murder and terror, but the real scandal is that someone committed adultery.
The U.S. Army has filed criminal charges including adultery against Military Police Cpl. Charles A. Graner in connection with the Abu Ghraib prisoner abuse scandal, a senior U.S. officer announced Friday. (05/14/04 AP/Baghdad [reg])
Anticipated: claims that the torturers’ bad posture and tendency to cuss reflect poorly on the military.
Y’know, if you go here there’s a great article about how the torture at Abu Ghraib violated the Geneva Convention over and over and over again.
I mean, clearly none of these people know a damn thing about the Geneva Convention past their recollection of it being mentioned on Hogan’s Heroes once in a while.
Had these been American prisoners in Iraqi custody a year ago, Iraq would be a smoking crater from border to border. The one American POW that the Iraqis ever held, Jessica Lynch, apparently received medical care and was treated like a human being. I mean, if you ask her, instead of believing the propaganda machine.
The Fertile Crescent between the Tigris and the Euphrates has been called the Cradle of Civilization for a Century or more. Why do these people hate civilization?
I should amend that to say “the one American POW that we KNOW ABOUT that the Iraqis ever held.”
oversight.
My bad.
Norbizness rules, by the way.
The Wall Street Journal editorial page is the best op-ed page the United States has ever had. People ought to let it do its job.
To the parents of Lynndie England, I regret ordering your daughter to abuse Iraqi prisoners by having sex in front of them, on camera, with several American soldiers. This was her patriotic duty, and she did it for god and country. You should be proud. – Donald rumsfeld
“It would be a real shame if the Wall Street Journal, which first reported on this leaked secret Red Cross document on Friday, May 7th, were to realize how hypocritical it is to complain about the possible leftwing bias of the Red Cross while it tries to smear anyone, from Joseph Wilson to Richard Clarke to the Red Cross, who dares to criticize the Bush Administration. That would ruin its longheld status as lapdog to the Republican right wing, and it won’t take that path now, by golly!”