It’s Sunday, the day when we put on our best clothes, get ourself in a spiritual frame of mind, and then enjoy another episode of Everybody Loves Doug Giles.

This week, did Doug give us another “luscious tree” or “crack night in the ferret hut”? Sadly, no! And there aren’t any tortured similes or stupendously stupid off-the-wall pop culture references either. So, apparently Doug got self-conscious about stealing Dennis Miller’s shtick (we hope we didn’t contribute to that), and decided to give it a rest. Which is a real shame, because I heard that MSNBC was ready to give Dennis’s time period to Doug, because Dennis’s ratings have been lower than Free ‘Ludes Night in the Angleworm Tank.

Anyway, without the Bornean sailors and hip lingo, Doug’s column is pretty boring. And it doesn’t help that the theme is old hat too (9/11 changed everything, and George Bush, who was presented by the lying press as an ineffectual child of privilege, was shown to actually be a bold and manly leader; however, John Kerry is a nothing but a flip-flopping hippie).

So, as a public service to you, the Doug Giles fan with more things to do than Madonna at a Styx concert held at the Sodom and Gomorra stadium, here are just the good parts of Doug’s latest column: the analogies, metaphors, pop culture references, and the ClashPoint.

Heck, before he was elected President, people were saying that choosing between Bush and Gore was like choosing between listening to your sister?s first clarinet recital or watching Janet Reno floss.

And then we have John F. Kerry. . . .This guy must spend hours removing the splinters from his seat, from straddling the fence so much.

Kerry flip-flops on issues like a beached grouper groping for water.

Kerry wouldn?t know a lie unless it flew out of his own mouth, did a U-turn and bit him on his backside.

Meanwhile, the supposed Mr. Shamma-Shamma-Ding-Dong from the great state of Texas has held steady in his strategy.

Put that in your bong and smoke it, John Fluctuating Kerry!

My ClashPoint is this: George W. Bush has proven Kerry and his cabal woefully wrong. The supposed ?chump? has been revealed as a ?Churchill? and our nation couldn?t have asked for a better president or cabinet, when placed in such a daunting crucible. Too bad Kerry and his ilk are not patriotic enough to admit it.

Okay, that wasn’t all that entertaining (although I do like the image of a chimp in a crucible), and it wasn’t long enough to meet my required word count. So, let’s explore the ClashRadio.com site, and see if we can find anything interesting.

Well, here’s where you can buy a Clash Camisole — just the thing for you righteous young handmaids of the Lord to wear, um, on your honeymoon, in the privacy of your own home and for only the eyes of your legally married spouse.

And here’s where you can buy original art work done by Doug. While they’re all every bit as good as those original oils you can buy at TV-advertised hotel sales, I think my favorite is “The Porno of the Christ” (AKA “The Wrath of God”).

And there’s a page where you can become a Clash Point Warrior:

Warriors Wanted

Are you tired of seeing Wackos trample your neighborhood, city and nation? Well good! So are we. That?s why we created The Clash in it?s daily, 3-minute, high voltage dose & its one-hour ?live talk? format to be hemorrhoidal pains in the backsides of all the imbeciles. And man — have we been successful!

Our focus is Windex-like in its clarity: To equip you to infiltrate the public square with God?s goods; without looking like the public square. By becoming part of The Clash Nation, you join with us to communicate timeless truth in a timely fashion and, together, we have the time of our lives.

It?s easy: For $25 a month?that?s just 83 cents a day?we can intellectually kick the Wackos back to where they came from. So what are you waiting for, my friend? Fill out the form entirely and click submit.

Well, I guess being Windex-like would be okay, but I don’t particularly want to be a hemorrhoid, even if that would kick the Wackos back to where them came from. (Wackovania?) Besides, for 53 cents a day, I could sponsor a Wackovanian child, and that’s probably a better use for my money.

And there’s the Clash Point page, which lets you sign up for the weekly ClashPoint (in case you don’t have access to Townhall):

Sign up for a weekly dose of wit, wisdom, satire and righteous outrage. Doug sets his sights high and wide as he unleashes his unique pen on the absurdities within the Church and the inequities in the world. This weekly adrenaline jolt is a must for those who want to see righteousness exalt our nation.

Um, I’m not much of a marksman, but I’m pretty sure that if you set your sights “wide,” you’re not only going to miss the target, but you’ll probably also end up killing half of the other shooters.

And I wouldn’t call Doug’s columns “adrenaline jolts” so much as “ooey, gooey, Peeps? Bunnies sugar rushes.”

But that page does feature an archive of old columns, which is a tasty find indeed.

So, with no further ado, here’s a piece from last May:

A True Marriage Will Be Truly Attacked

There are very few unmarried ladies on the planet, except for a few control freaks, who want to marry a pudgy and pliable, indoor boy who tears up when he watches Nell. You know who I?m talking about… the quiche eater who enjoys shopping at Michael?s, listening to Kenny G, who drives a Miata and gets way too excited at a Backstreet Boys concert.

Hey, I don’t know who Nell is, let alone know any guys who watch her. And didn’t the BackStreet Boys stop performing, in, like 1998?

For most unbetrothed Guinevere?s, that?s not their idea of a Lancelot.

But the real Guinevere WAS betrothed — to King Arthur — when she met and fell for Lancelot. And Arthur watched “JAG,” drove a Land Rover, and shopped at Home Depot. So, maybe the moral here is that some women are just sluts.

Most single women want to marry an Alpha Male? the Braveheart-Gladiator type who is provider, protector, hunter and hero? i.e., the classical image of a man written about by authors from Homer to Hemingway.

Come on ladies, you know you want a guy who works hard, has an outrageous sense of humor, who has a sharp mind and is not afraid to speak it. And if he?s multitalented, righteous, good-looking and uh? financially well-off? well, that just sweetens the deal. Am I right, girls? You bet I am. Even in Miami.

This was Doug’s personal ad in Miami Magazine.

There?s a good reason why women want the Alpha male. It?s fun! Look, hanging with the herd’s sire is an adventure.

That it may be, but should Pastor Doug be promoting the idea of an alpha male and his harem as a Christian ideal? I mean, sure, this works for lions, but I thought Doug was all for traditional marriage?

It?s never boring. There?s creativity, conflict and conquest involved, which is attractive in a day of mediocrity, predictability, Geo Prisms, Denny?s and elevator Muzak.

Yeah, what’s a sensible car and a Grand Slam breakfast compared to a Wham, Bam, Thank You, Ma’am, a car chase, and then a shoot out with the police?

The dilemma for postmodern damsels is that there?s a scarcity of these extra extra Y?s.

I hear you can find lots of them in prison.

More and more we are seeing less and less men who love the testosterone fog? who celebrate the struggle? who have no problem being prophet, priest and king of their castle.

I can only speak for myself, but the idea of sharing my life with a a man living in a testosterone fog sounds really, really unappealing.

Oh, but I did love that Seinfeld ep about the bet about who could be prophet, priest, and king of their castle the longest.

I feel for you ladies, especially in the Church, for the pickin?s are slim.

But for those determined women who do find the prophet, patriarch, warrior and wild man of their dreams, here?s a cautionary tale: hell?s not happy about it. Satan?s going to work to divide this powerful union, because the spiritually locked and loaded couple walking in unity spells empirical defeat to Satan?s ilk.

Lock and load that spirit, and set your sights high and wide, because Satan’s ilk HATE it when women find the wild man of their dreams.

Meeting your soul mate? tying the knot with the one Jehovah has had in mind means intense spiritual warfare. The powers of darkness will toss everything at this God-blessed union to try to untie this would-be noose for el Diablo?s neck. From fighting over stupid junk? to tedious in-law debacles? to adultery? hell?s henchman work overtime attempting to derail the dynamic duo.

So, if you are fighting all the time, have evil in-laws, and one or both of you are committing adultery, it’s a sign that you are with the one Jehovah had in mind for you.

And since God has joined Batman to Robin in a dynamic duo, then by what right do President Bush and the rest of hell’s henchmen try to derail that union?

My Clash Point is this: True unions with true warriors will truly be attacked. If Tarzan and Jane are going to last in this culture that has gone morally insane, then they’re going to have to be more on their guard than Saddam?s current body double. The couple has got to walk with wisdom, grabbing spiritual might in the secret place with God.

“Grabbing spiritual might in the secret place with God”? I think I read somewhere else that we shouldn’t be grabbing that secret place once we’re married — especially not with God, because that REALLY makes the saints cry.

And could Tarzan and Jane last in any culture except that of the jungle? After having seen Tarzan in New York, I say no.

They must over communicate, have great sex, love their offspring more than their tan and suspect any and all of the opposite sex who gets anywhere near them.

I take it that the ladies in the congregation have been making the moves on multitalented, righteous, and good-looking Doug, since the picking ARE slim in that church, and Mrs. Doug doesn’t appreciate it. Sure, he gave her the line about how it’s exciting to hang out with the alpha male as he protects the herd and sires all the herd’s cubs, but she threatened to cut off his secret place if any member of the opposite sex got anywhere near him — and thus, Doug’s clash point is: find your own alpha males, women, because my wife says so.