It’s only a matter of time until someone uses their anal cavity to smuggle the bombs on board and then flying is going to become a real pain in the ass. Talk about terrorists winning.

have a TSA agent inspect my crotch

You came, I was alone.
I should have known
You were temptation
You smiled luring me on,
My heart was gone
You were temptation.
It would be thrilling
If you were willing.
If it can never be,
Pity me
For you were
Born to be frisked
I can`t resist
You are temptation

Eventually we’re all going to have to fly naked. I can see both plusses and minuses to this phenomenon. The plus side is that Mile High Clubbing will be more socially acceptable.

Everything else is sorta a minus.

Markus: You mean…assrockets?

It’s only a matter of time until someone uses their anal cavity to smuggle the bombs on board and then flying is going to become a real pain in the ass.

As always, brown people will get the most butthurt

Well, come on, depends on who’s doing the wee-wee search. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen such effort to solve a problem that is so minor. I think Nate Silver said recently that there is one terrorist attack on airplanes for every 11 billion miles flown. By all airplanes, yes, but bear in mind that the Earth’s circumference is a little less than 8,000.

And, transhumanists are cocknozzles. The lot of ’em. Nothing would make he happier than seeing Raymond Kurzweil running out to get his supply of newly-invented immortality juice and getting clobbered by a bus on the last street before the pharmacy.

Shorter Emerson: Certain groups are physically/mentally incapable of comitting acts of terrorism, ergo, EBUL MURZLUMS!

I also have to put on my Freud hat and wonder why he chose Swedes as the model of innocence. It couldn’t possibly be the whole fair skin/blond hair = angelic goodness, now could it. I mean, it could be Sweden’s historic neutrality in World War II, but I doubt that someone who would make this sort of argument gives a shit about history. Effete liberal intellectuals, etc.

I hear in those genetic experiment labs that Saddam was building in Syria that they were trying to introduce a mutation that allowed you to pee nitroglycerin. The only success was on a Hynerian, but research continues. The TSA will make us all pee into pitot tubes.

http://www.farscapeworld.com/episodes/synopsis/10106.php

By all airplanes, yes, but bear in mind that the Earth’s circumference is a little less than 8,000.

What?

I think Nate Silver said recently that there is one terrorist attack on airplanes for every 11 billion miles flown.

That fails to take weighting into account. The whole reason that the Founding Fathers built this country was so that nobody would EVER die on an airplane. The best way to understand our foreign and airport security policies is to calculate the weight that is assigned to various risks.

4,349 Americans killed in Iraq / 0 Americans killed by underwear bomber =

one terrorist attack for every 11 billion miles flown.

The earth’s circumference is 8,000 miles.

I tried to make sure that it couldn’t be interpreted as 11 billion miles for each individual airplane, but rather all airplanes. Guess it didn’t work.

You mean…assrockets?

Possibly done previously.

I don’t want to have a TSA agent inspect my crotch

i never get to have any fun

Fresh off The Great Sesame Street Jihad Blue’s Clues Is Off Limits.

I think the trick is to be flying *out* of the US. I flew from JFK to Europe on December 28 and encountered no unusual crap beyond the usual shoe removal.

So the TSA doesn’t seem to give a crap about outbound international flights. Go figure. I dread returning any time soon.

Aside: the A380 is really nice, so much quieter than the usual 767. Plus, USB jack at every seat = handy phone recharger.

“Palin derangement syndrome?” You mean, like, what 80% of the country thinks of her, Buttbutt? It’s like Taibbi said a while back, Palin is a figure of fun now. Making fun of her is no longer “political.”

I have no response to this.

Guess I’m the only one old enough to have seen the original “Airport” movie.

They might remember that airlines equipped the bathrooms with additional smoke detection in order to prevent people from smoking in the bathrooms. Fucking morons. OMG! Hope they don’t kung-fu the plane apart!

It’s not as if they’ve never thought of this.

But the whole reason he came back to his seat was to be nearer the fuselage. In most airplane bathrooms, one is too far from the skin of the plane to blow a sufficient hole in it.

Let’s also be clear that neither Richard Reid nor the panty-bomber had enough explosives on them to actually bring down the plane. Even if the fuses had worked, they would have at worst killed a few people caught in the initial explosion and subsequent decompression.

Also, the fact that after all these years they haven’t solved the fuse issue fills me with a lot more hope than all the security measures the TSA will ever trot out.

also know that most of what goes into the cargo hold in the form of shipped packages isnt inspected at all!

The TSA will make us all pee into pitot tubes.

I really don’t recommend this.

Pitot tubes are heated enough to keep ice from forming on them at -40 Celcius in a several hundred mile per hour wind.

Think about it.

You know who else would have returned to their seat?

P3nus, that’s who.

@Felonius

Pardon me, but OCD demands it, the earth’s circumference is 25,000 miles, not 8,000.

Your point still stands.

Since the whole TSA rigamarole is just security theatre anyway, I for one am glad the TSA has decided to become our country’s largest producer of amateur porn. Body scanners which reveal the exact shape of the skin, and random strip-searches are the way of our flying future. Think about it: they started with that most obvious of sexual fetishes, shoes, and when nobody complained, the trend for porn was firmly established.

Hell, I’m almost ready to volunteer my, um, services to perform a deep-cavity search on the next hottie in the TSA line; after all, I’ve got the, uh, tool which was evolutionarily adapted to productively probing her, correct?

(Meanwhile, real terrorists will simply attack the huge, er, queues we, uh, erect in front of the TSA body cameras. After all, who really wants to see the average American naked?)

LOS ANGELES, Jan 5 (Reuters) –

Authorities shut down a California airport on Tuesday after a suspicious amber liquid in a passenger’s bag tested positive for explosives — only to ultimately determine that the substance was honey.

I still say deputizing the Underpants Gnomes as TSA agents is the most rational approach.

Seriously, though, every time I hear the media reporting this shit about how TSA says the “whole point” is “unpredictability”. To which I say, “WTF?” You know, a guy who’s willing to blow himself up to take down a plane isn’t really going to give two shits about the “unpredictability” of the screening he may face before he gets on the plane. The motherfucker is ready to die for chrissakes; he’s pretty well way beyond the point where thinking “but what if I get caught?” would stop him from making the attempt. So all the “unpredictability” does is inconvenience the shit out of people who aren’t planning on blowing up themselves and the plane, and increases the odds that the guy who is planning to do it will slip through, because in our “unpredictable” search procedure for his particular flight, we concentrated on shoes. Or carry-on bags. Or whatever. It does fuck-all to make anyone “safer”.

I wonder why the fuck they don’t just train dogs to screen passengers. They can teach them how to detect just a few molecules of whatever scent they want them to recognize. Wouldn’t letting a dog sniff you, including in the crotch, be a lot less invasive and more dignified than having some security trogladyte ogling your nude form through a scanner? I mean, hell, who hasn’t had a dog stuff his nose into their crotch at some point? It’s what dogs do, and we’ve all managed somehow to live it down. Bonus points: some fundamentalist Muslims have a thing about dogs where they’re considered “unclean” and they aren’t allowed to touch them. You might discourage a would-be underpants bomber just by having the dogs there, since (thinking like a fundie here) you wouldn’t want to come into contact with something so “unclean” right before going to meet Allah.

JD Rhoades said,
January 6, 2010 at 3:58

Guess I’m the only one old enough to have seen the original “Airport” movie.

So how old does it make me that this:

Brad said,
January 6, 2010 at 3:13

Eventually we’re all going to have to fly naked. I can see both plusses and minuses to this phenomenon. The plus side is that Mile High Clubbing will be more socially acceptable.

Made me flash on the transition from Schedule Bareback to Schedule Suntan in The Puppet Masters?

At least you don’t look Ay-rab. Maybe the TSA should hire some proctologists so we can at least accomplish something useful.

I do believe that the Principle of Unpredictability is that predictable searches can be foiled, not that unpredictable searches are more likely to turn something up.

Vehemently agreed that dog-searches would be less intrusive & creepy than people-searches. Bring on the mutts!

Well, there’s a lot to be said for using dogs – they can be intimidating by themselves, they have been trained to sniff out drugs AND explosives, and they can cover a lot more people/baggage, faster than the Elite Corpse of “TSA Professionals”.

Besides, I think it would be kinda hard to bribe a german shepard snarling inches from your crotch.

That plus the metal detectors and x-ray machines we already have would do just fine. No need to remove shoes (only have to do this in the US – by the way, a great way to spot Americans at security points, they’ve been trained to de-shoe as a reflex) or otherwise disrobe.

And as a final word, Also.

As an assclown who appreciates a good ass hammering, I’m looking forward to my next pre-flight cavity search. Being something of an exhibitionist, I’ll just have to *assume the position* and say “please, sir, could I have another?” It’ll be just like a Saturday night, south of Market!

I don’t claim that there is nothing to fear from terrorists, only to put them in perspective. If one lives in the Birmingham, Alabama area he has a much greater chance of being murdered than if he is in Iraq or Afghanistan. Between the “shoe bomber” and the “crotch” bomber recruiting suicide bombers must be more difficult than once believed. When the day comes that recruits are aware that the seventy-two virgins are spinster lesbians with an attitude they’ll become less willing to meet Allah. As more people become aware that the Koran and the Bible are fables for adults rather than sanctified texts to which followers must adhere, like bats to a stone ceiling, the days of the spiritual con men will be at an end.

Are we going to have to be at war until every last social outcast who works himself into a tizzy over good and evil is dead? Does it really require the most powerful military in the world to find hate filled malcontents? Most hate filled malcontents will do nothing more than fantasize about being a suicide bomber as long as they have food in their stomachs and we haven’t recently killed a family member, neighbors and school aged children why can’t we use normal law-enforcement and intelligence methods? When does treating all Americans like suspects come to an end? If it takes almost eight years to find a whack-job who will kill himself for vengeance how terrified are we supposed to be? The hysteria in the cowardly news media is due to how often many people in that industry have to fly. I’m sorry, but I don’t feel terrorized.

Isn’t the Christmas-attempted-bomber just a lonely douchebag? Could this have all been avoided if he got laid on a regular schedule?
Abd00mu: OMA! OMFA! She l00ks like Angelina’s younger sister! I’m so in lurv. I hope she’s not a virgin.

Has the TSA or any other airport security agency ever actually caught a terrorist at the security checkpoint? They confiscate lots of water bottles and penknives, but have they found a single bomb on someone’s person or in their carry-on bag? Ever?

And, transhumanists are cocknozzles. The lot of ‘em. Nothing would make he happier than seeing Raymond Kurzweil running out to get his supply of newly-invented immortality juice and getting clobbered by a bus on the last street before the pharmacy.

So yeah, I heard republicans are the ones hostile to science.

Y’know, if the point of “terrorism” is to induce “terror” it seems as though the collective pants-wetting on the Right is evidence that the terrorists have already won.

Why do they hate America?

I’m guessing the average spleen is a pound, maybe a pound and a half. You can live without it quite easily, many people do. Replacing a spleen with the equivalent amount of C4 and a small detonator would be a trivial task. If they were clever they’d pick a relatively young, South Asian girl with a martyr complex.

You see, there is really nothing TSA can do to prevent this, or any of a dozen other relatively simple things an committed crazy could do. But the fact that so many people demand that they do just that is a huge victory for the terrorists.

Every time a Republican pees his pants on national TV a Jehadist gets his wings.

Just out of curiosity, does anyone know what would happen if someone opened one of the emergency exits while the plane was in the air? I’m assuming that it would be bad, so wouldn’t that be easier for a terrorist to do instead of smuggling some kind of explosive device on board?

Coriander,

Those actually open inward, so the pressure gradient would make it really really hard to open at altitude.

“Again, think about it. If you wanted to blow up a plane, would you attempt it from your seat, where somebody could quite possibly stop you? No, you would go to the washroom where you could set off the bomb without disruption.”

Apparently crotch bomber and shoe bomber didn’t get the memo.

“Guess I’m the only one old enough to have seen the original “Airport” movie.”

They bought their tickets, they new what they were getting into, I say let ’em die.

above was me.

That was “Airplane” not “Airport.”

Can’t wait until they start inspecting people’s bladder contents for liquid explosives. Catheterizations for all!

Drug “mules” have been reported to swallow huge amounts of heroin or cocaine packaged up in plastic bags and just walk through security. So we’ll all need to have a TSA colonoscopy to close that loophole.

For that matter, just swallow the stuff and barf it up right after takeoff. They even give you a free bag to barf in.

It’s stupid. Wouldn’t it be so much easier to go after the causes of people becoming suicide bombers?

Incidentally, the insane measures that some terrorororists are willing to go through really make you have to wonder why Ole Perfesser Reynolds gets so aroused at the idea of having thought-controlled nanobots traveling through the air we breathe.

He probably read Neal Stephenson’s The Diamond Age. Good book.

Don’t understand all this smacking of foreheads (and foreskins, come to think of it) by the media and government about where the explosives will be hidden next. So far, the hiding places and security breaches have pretty much followed the same trends as they did for drug smuggling over the past few decades. A mule’s a mule, for all a ‘that.

Can’t wait until they start inspecting people’s bladder contents for liquid explosives. Catheterizations for all!

Fuck! I mean, if they’re going to drain the bladder at security, why the hell would I bother taking my urotraxal????

Taht was, you know, me.

I say let’s solve the health care problem and the airplane terrorist problem at the same time. Full body scan X-ray and MRI, not by the TSA, but by a Doctor and qualified Nurse Technicians before admission to the gate. Talk about preventive medicine.

That’s not a bad idea. Free full physicals at the gate. I’d travel just for that. But not more than once a year.

Growing up in the 70’s we traveled all the time – there were NEVER any problems other than a few “hijacked” planes being ordered to go to Cuba.
[Those were probably as fake as any of these modern ones.]
Back then you could travel the world with no facial recognition , no guards with M16’s in the airport , no restriction on what you could bring on , you could smoke and bring lighters , matches , everything -there were statistically practically no problems ever.
Apparently Jimmy Carter was far better at preventing attacks then the Republicans have ever been, or once they got in power that was the last straw for the rest of the world and the constant attacks began.
Just not safe to trust the righties.
wouldn’t be prudent.

The funniest thing about the honey story is the two airport screeners who went to the hospital to be “treated” for exposure to honey fumes.

Just think of it as a ‘short arm inspection’. Remember to turn your head and cover your mouth if they ask you to cough.

Dain Brammaged said,
January 6, 2010 at 22:51

You laugh but…you laugh harder.

Like minds think a great.

Grace N.- nice nod to Burns.

Also, I believe “asshammer” is one word, not two.

Just sayin’.