Always. Trust. The. Shorter. ™

It doesn’t matter that Europe might be under threat because they grudgingly and half-heartedly supported our asinine policies in Iraq and Afghanistan under the threat of bullying from Bush. Noooooooooooooo….it’s all about the minarets!

I don’t recall seeing too many mosques the last time I was in Switzerland. They must be hiding them inside the coffee shops.

Well, at least Douthat admitted that the British National Party is “fascistic” and “anti-Islamic.” Charles Johnson of LGF anti-fame got kicked out of the right-wing frat for saying the same.

I don’t recall seeing too many mosques the last time I was in Switzerland.

According to Jon Stewart, there are 29 of them, with only 4 having minarets.

“Noooooooooooooo….it’s all about the minarets!”

It’s all about the minarets, baby.

Also, that Ross has a tiny head.

…

penis

According to Jon Stewart

The most reputable source of news around these days.

Better shorter: “Because European leaders refused to listen to troglodyte nativists in their countries and ban immigration early on, they now have to deal with troglodyte nativists and lousy Muslim immigrants.” And Switzerland a haven for tolerance? Didn’t some cantons just give women the vote sometime in the 80s? Pretty and wealthy, yes. A bastion of religious and cultural tolerance? Not so much.

According to Jon Stewart

The most reputable source of news around these days.

Too bad that is so true.

I’m so old I remember when news was more then a bunch of Heathers sitting around a table dishing to each other.

As was pointed out elsewhere Switzerland isn’t even in the European Union.

Duh!

Douthat is such a tepid writer I don’t know how you manage to find a point to satirize.

Dear Mr. Douthat:

Atheism.

That is all.

Also worth noting that the muslim population in Switzerland are immigrants / refugees from Bosnia-Herzogovinia, so they were within Europe all along, but have moved a few hundred miles within it.

Also worth noting that the muslim population in Switzerland are immigrants / refugees from Bosnia-Herzogovinia

More worth noting that most Muslims aren’t Arabic, but are Asian (62%). Only 18% of Muslims can be accurately called “Arabic”. Indeed, Indonesia has almost as many Muslims as the entire Middle East.

Also also worth noting that the nimrod politicians in Switzerland who came up with the idea of a minaret ban went on to propose banning Jewish cemeteries, for the sake of consistency (creeping judaification being as much of a problem for Europe creeping islamification)… meaning it is fair and valid to go through Douhat’s column replacing the word ‘Islam’ with ‘Judaism’.

They had second thoughts about the cemetery ban.

They had second thoughts about the cemetery ban.

Think it had anything to do with that Nazi gold shit?

By the way, if you missed John Oliver’s interview with the Swiss ambassador to the UN, I suggest you rush to the Daily Show website.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen an interviewee ever get as angry as the ambassador does when Oliver starts in about “neutrality” and Hitler.

Wow.

More worth noting that most Muslims aren’t Arabic
In the context of Douhat’s column, it seems more bizarre to me that he’s presenting Swiss bigotry as “Europe’s minaret moment” when there is no component at all of “Europe against the rest of the world”, merely another intra-European hatred.

If only the citizens of the US had been more diligent in keeping religious extremists from immigrating we would not have terrorists like Scott Roeder living among us.

FBI: Chicago Men Planned Attack Over Danish Cartoon of Prophet
Secret Arrest Three Weeks Ago Revealed Today by Prosecutors

Oct. 27, 2009

(And despite the fevered imagination of idiot bloggers: polygamy is still illegal in Sweden.)

Alt-shorter: Let’s pretend I care about Europe long enough to write an anti-immigrant screed.

That costume is a shop-lifter’s dream. You could fit two frozen turkeys in one sleeve and a whole plasma screen in the other.

If only the citizens of the US had been more diligent in keeping religious extremists from immigrating we would not have…

Papist Ross Douthat.

What’s more, the Muslims currently make up roughly 4% of the Sweedish population. Ooh, boogity boogity!

Plasma screens are so last year.

Plasma screens are so last year.

True, but at $25 per pint, I’m going to keep donating.

Shorter Concern Trolls on Islam Everywhere:

Muslim populations wouldn’t be so bad if they would just change the look and sound of their religion. And their clothing. And oh, say, while we’re at it, their language and physical appearance.

Hello, libs. You’ll be happy to know that I’m OK, despite Nick Saban and Alabama cheating because they paid the refs off like Obama got his ACORN minions to rig the election for him. I was sick but Tebow visited me- unlike what Obama would do to hurt soldiers- and helped me feel better- unlike what Obama is doing with the economy. I’m sure you think my plight is really funny, but I can assure you, it is not. You libs suck, don’t worry, I’ll be back to badoodle-boo-yeah all over your socialist butts, but for now, Da Cool Coach will be quiet for a while.

Urban out.

What’s more, the Muslims currently make up roughly 4% of the Sweedish population.

IIRC that’s about the same percentage of Muslims that were Taught A Good Lesson in Iraq.

Alt-Shorter – I don’t want to sound all bat-guano insane about Yurp and teh Musselmen, but there are bat-guano insane people over there and terrorists also, so, QED, is that 800 words yet?

I think you’re actually being a little unfair to Ross here, but he totally deserves it.

Unless I missed someone else’s mention, breaking news: Jonah Goldberg is getting a shitload of money to write a book about how terrible clichés are.

http://gawker.com/5420810/idiot-inks-boffo-book-deal

“More worth noting that most Muslims aren’t Arabic…”

But that just makes them all the scarier! They can look like Anybody! Your neighbor, the guy behind you at Safeway! Ooooo!

And oh, say, while we’re at it, their language and physical appearance.

Be careful what you wish for…

a shitload of money to write a book about how terrible clichés are.

“So you are charging two hundred guineas for half a day’s work?”
“No, for the experience of a lifetime.”

I think you’re actually being a little unfair to Ross here, but he totally deserves it.

Framing right-ring extremism as the fault of lefty “elites” is item #1 in the Jonah Goldberg playbook. If anything, I think this is more insidious than the Shorter suggests, because it seems to exist solely to provide cover for extremists, even while seeming to decry them.

“So you are charging two hundred guineas for half a day’s work?”
“No, for the experience of a lifetime.”

I’m not sure that electrifying ten score Italians would be the experience of a lifetime, but I’m willing to experiment on others.

Writing a book about cliches is so, well cliche. It’s been done, JoPants. Many times.

Which is not ot say I really like cliches! I do not, and even if Goldpants is against them, I still don’t like ’em.

Any of you who DO like cliche-ridden books, try a Barbara Taylor-Bradford bestseller. I only read one, once. I had a yellow highlighter to mark every cliche; and when I was done all the pages were mostly yellow.

it seems to exist solely to provide cover for extremists, even while seeming to decry them.

Doesn’t that describe every Douthat column ever?

Writing a book about cliches is so, well cliche. It’s been done, JoPants. Many times.

yes, but Jonah brings a whole new perspective.

After all, how many cliches get the chance to write an autobiography?

Well, I’m living in Denmark, which thanks to some right-wing newspaper became number one on the terrorist bombing list a number of years back.

You’ll note that Denmark has yet to have a terrorist attack and has indeed foiled several while not only not passing any restrictions on its growing muslim immigrant population (including a large number of refugees) and even going so far as to give them extensive social services including free healthcare.

I believe my point was, suck on that Douchehat, suck on that.

P.S. Abortions are not only legal and protected medical procedures, but they are also free. So double suck on that, too.

P.S. Abortions are not only legal and protected medical procedures, but they are also free.

With every rental at Blockbuster?

Then I’m not impressed.

actor-

Would you settle for a Family Planning Clinic being next to a blockbuster and a school?

P.S. Abortions are not only legal and protected medical procedures, but they are also free.

With every rental at Blockbuster?

The abortions are free only if you take a Pauly Shore film off their hands.

See, now that’s the kind of thinking that made America Denmark great!

actor-

Getting rid of unwanted fetuses and Pauly Shore are considered fundamental rights in Denmark.

Doesn’t that describe every Douthat column ever?

Indeed, though some columns combine that with Chunky Reese Witherspoon.

Pauly Shore IS an unwanted fetus.

Only 18% of Muslims can be accurately called “Arabic”.

It’s precisely that sort of liberal concern for “accuracy” which will soon get us conquered by the Shari’a Chinese Arabs who come from Peru.

which will soon get us conquered by the Shari’a Chinese Arabs who come from Peru.

Aided, re Red dawn, by Cuban and Angolans commies?

Ben & Jerry’s should come up with a Chunky Reese Witherspoon flavor of ice cream…

Chunky Reese Witherspoon flavor of ice cream

I’d never stop eating her.

I mean, it.

“The abortions are free only if you take a Pauly Shore film off their hands.”

Well, that’s just a backhanded way of banning them. No one is THAT desperate for an abortion.

No one is THAT desperate for an abortion

What if Pauly Shore was the father?

Quick photo comparison:

NPR’s in-house FOXNOOZ common tater Mara Liasson

to

Star Trek original series’ bad guy robot “Blalock”

Star Trek original series’ bad guy robot “Blalock”

Man, they really cleaned Jolene up sometime between TOS and Enterprise.

Mara Liasson to bad guy robot “Blalock”

Separated at cloning tube.

Star Trek original series’ bad guy robot “Blalock”

BALOCK!

Blalock was the actress who played the hot Vulcan in Enterprise…

BALOCK!

Blalock was the actress who played the hot Vulcan in Enterprise…

Wow, that’s one hell of a difference.

Alt alt shorter: The European capitalist class needed cheap workers, so to hell with popular bigotry, and democracy.
Also, “elites” sounds more esoteric. Furthermore.

“The abortions are free only if you take a Pauly Shore film off their hands.”

Well, that’s just a backhanded way of banning them. No one is THAT desperate for an abortion.

Pauly Shore’s DVDs work just as well as coasters or throwing discs as others’ movies do.

Actor, I’d say AHEM, but it was only a minute after I posted and I know you old guys read slow.

Blalock was the actress who played the hot Vulcan in Enterprise…

Wow, that’s one hell “l” of a difference.

Fixed for pedantic punnery.

“The abortions are free only if you take a Pauly Shore film off their hands.”

Well, that’s just a backhanded way of banning them. No one is THAT desperate for an abortion.

If only they’d had the Pauly Shore DVD for the date. Talk about birth control!

Actor, I’d say AHEM, but it was only a minute after I posted and I know you old guys read slow.

It’s not the reading. It’s the fact that I wanted to attach photographic evidence and, well…she distracts me.

I don’t recall seeing too many mosques the last time I was in Switzerland. They must be hiding them inside the coffee shops.

They must be small ones. Mosquitos, don’tcha know.

Mosquitos, don’tcha know.

So that would make the congregation mosqueteers?

Hello? Is this thing on?

*taptap*

*crickets chirping*

*crickets chirping*

And Lo! Jolene Blalock was posted
And silent went the web
Except for the gentle sound
Of Fapping.

And Lo! Jolene Blalock was posted
And silent went the web

I KNEW THOSE “WOMEN” WERE MEN.

S McG –

Maxim tells me that all women are latent lesbians, ready to turn on us by turning off us at the drop of a drop of hot oil. And when has Maxim been wrong?

So that would make the congregation mosqueteers?

Do they wear the hats with the big, round ears?

M-I-C…

Via Mr. Edroso at the Voice, Ralph Nader should run on the Tea Party ticket.

OT…and well, when am I ever ON topic…I wanted to leave this for ZRM

Zombie Christmas Carols

I particularly liked “Deck The Walls”

Deck the halls
with parts of
Wally,
Fa la la la la, la
la la la.
‘Tis the season
for brains by
golly,
Fa la la la
la, la la la la.
Chew we
now our
friend’s
gray matter,

Maxim tells me that all women are latent lesbians, ready to turn on us us on by turning off us at the drop of a drop of hot oil.

Fixed!

Via Mr. Edroso at the Voice, Ralph Nader should run on the Tea Party ticket.

Yes, yes he should. It is the next logical step for him.

Do they wear the hats with the big, round ears?

Those are called minnierets

Sorry, N__B, I hate to burst your N__Bubble, but Maxim’s wrong like now.

I’m not a latent lesbian, I’m a blatant bisexual. I’d still rather bonk my boyfriend than Jolene Blalock, but my boyfriend’s pretty and I don’t dig girls who look like the girls in the movies. (I seem to like boys who look like girls and girls who look like boys, always should be someone you really loooove…)

Maxim’s wrong like now.

*GASP*

Next you’ll be telling me those Letters in the Penthouse Forum are made up!

Writing a book about cliches is so, well cliche. It’s been done, JoPants. Many times.
But never so thoroughly and with such care.

Abortions are not only legal and protected medical procedures, but they are also free. So double suck on that, too.
I have watched “Dumplings” already, thank you.

See, now that’s the kind of thinking that made Denmark great!
Copenhagen is dead to me since the Musen & Elefanten closed.

Dear Penthouse,

I’m a thirty year old virgin OpEd contributor at a formerly great metropolitan newspaper that my cohorts in crime have managed to smear and slander until it can no longer be taken seriously by about one-fourth the population of this nation.

No! Seriously! But that’s not the fantasy I wanted to share…

Those are called minnierets

Oohhh. Once around the block, and home, James.

RE: the next Doughpus. More of this, no doubt. I wonder how many IQ points I lost reading that.

The OtB article linking it said,

I have my doubts that the July 2002 column of the same name can be stretched to fill 300 pages. Then again, the vast majority of nonfiction books are essentially interesting articles that belabor the point.

I have little doubt that Teh Pantload will do his best. Unfortunately, the article isn’t interesting, and already belabored whatever point there may have been.

I have my doubts that the July 2002 column of the same name can be stretched to fill 300 pages.

Why not? He managed to stretch his leather belt six inches beyond recognition, thus maintaining the illusion that he still wears a forty…

Because current European leaders do not have the courage to implement the “Final Solution” to the Muslim immigrant problem, Europe is doomed to live under the threat of terrorist attacks for the foreseeable future.

Wasn’t it just too sad when Europe had that horrible terrorist attack due to their idiot President and his mouth-breathing Cabinet being more concerned with pR0N and head shops than terrorism, and Europe had to invade that country that had nothing to do with the attack and fuck things up royally in that part of the world for the next ten generations or so?

A million apologies for mis-spelling Balock as Blalock, but then again I just really don’t give that much of a shit about Star Trek anyway. Although I wouldn’t push Chunky Jolene Blalock out of my bed, either, even if she told me she was taking contraceptives…

Dear Cool Coach,

I’m sorry to see you so low. I’m not an SEC fan, but I hate ‘Bama so much that I was hoping you and St. Tebow could pull off the win. Still, a new season brings the opportunity for a terrible, terrible revenge–so, that’s something to look forward to.

Hope you’ll have the strength to tell us “loony libs” to “suck it” really soon!

A million apologies for mis-spelling Balock as Blalock, but then again I just really don’t give that much of a shit about Star Trek anyway.

You may not, and that’s a fair position to take, but Jolene Blalock never kept Doctorb up late at night.

Balock, however, did.

Balock, however, did.

Too much tranya before bedtime, eh?

the European elite

I do not think that someone who has elsewhere used the phrase “governing class” in a non-ironic, taken-for-granted way — as if a “governing class” is a normal part of US society rather than a reason for violent revolution — is in a position for sneering at “the European elite”.

Hi. I’m back.

As I can’t be bothered to read through 10 days of posts, are there any new traditions or memes or in-jokes I should know about? Thank you for your cooperation in this matter.

(Star Trek pedant)

Balok.

(/Star Trek pedant)

Balok.

(/Star Trek pedant)

I was using the Klingon spelling

(/Star Trek Pedagogue)

Sorry, N__B, I hate to burst your N__Bubble, but Maxim’s wrong like now.

I am lost! LOST!

Save me Landru!

I can’t believe I almost let that choad touch my cookies.

“are there any new traditions or memes or in-jokes I should know about?”

Just be careful not to step in the Balok.

are there any new traditions or memes or in-jokes I should know about?

You missed a pretty good thread about Sarah Palin’s book tour. I’ll see if I can find the link

For PeeJ

You gotta go a few hundred posts down to start though…

As I noted, Palin will be signing books at the NAMBLA convention.

(North American Moose Burger Lovers Association)

Nothing to see here, PeeJ.

Speaking of Palin, Rick Moran wanders off the reservation. (Gold is in the comments, natch)

Currently the last line in the book-signing thread:
Once I had Fawn, the rest came easily.

Generally good advice for life.

Chicago thug who wanted to bomb Copenhagen now implicated in Mumbai attacks.

How do I get one of these “hate America” gigs? I’d like to do some more traveling.

Gold is in the comments

Fool’s gold. It’s pretty awesome.

FYWP!

I’m glad that either: 1) he knows that Switzerland is not part of the EU; 2) the Times fact-checkers won’t let him say that it is. In either case, it’s a Good Thing!

Switzerland? Famous for its vicious religious wars and the smallmindedness of its natives. Douchehat would fit in nicely.

One wonders how Douchehat feels Muslims should have been “integrated”? It seems these clowns think that if they don’t give up Islam, they are not welcome.

One wonders how Douchehat feels Muslims should have been “integrated”?

“Integrated”? Again — these dudes are already integrated. They’re from Bosnia, highly secular, part of central Europe; no different from Serbs or Croats except that their ancestors were forcibly converted to islam during the days of the Ottoman empire.
It really does not take much to set the Swiss off on a pogrom.

Re; the sex sub-thread, REMEMBER: Sex is a vile, disgusting, and degrading act (if you’re doing it right) and you should save it for the one(s) you love.

“Any of you who DO like cliche-ridden books, try a Barbara Taylor-Bradford bestseller. I only read one, once.”

You poor guy. BTB’s stuff (and that of her fellow offender, Danielle Steel) is the working definition of “Entertainment Sensory Deprivation.”

So is everyone flying in on single occupant Hummer jets? I question these calculations.

One wonders how Douchehat feels Muslims should have been “integrated”?

Fourth-order Runge-Kutta seems to work pretty well.

Fourth-order Runge-Kutta seems to work pretty well.

The manhood of Islam cries out for your blood after this implication that Muslims are not stiff!

Thomas Pynchon used his time-travel technology to steal your joke and use it 45 years ago.

Fourth-order Runge-Kutta

Let me think….

Runge-Kutta sounds familiar from CS 413, Numerical Methods. But wait…no, I’m thinking of gutta perchas. My dentist has got me soconfused.

Thomas Pynchon used his time-travel technology to steal your joke and use it 45 years ago.

Drat and blast. I wish I could say this is the first time my brilliance has been thwarted by Thomas Pynchon.

*google*

Whoa. He works in an ETAOIN SHRDLU reference too? Clearly I’m gonna have to read this thing. Thanks for the literary heads-up, man.

Polygamy in Sweden? All right!!

But you need to gutta percha before you cooka percha.

Speaking of gills, you ever use the version called Runge-Kutta-Gill?

Fourth-order Runge-Kutta

Wasn’t that a Ronco instrument sold during the 90s for tearing holes in flannel so you could get street cred in Seattle?

If only America had stamped out the Masonic conspiracy in its infancy, I wouldn’t have to carefully ink out the eye on the back of every dollar bill that has ever passed through my hands. They’re all still staring at me, damn them!