The Butterfingers of Beelzebub
It’s almost Halloween. This means that Dr. Tintin has a treat for you, and you don’t even have to turn any tricks to get it. So, hold out your trick-or-treat bags, Sadlynauts, and let Dr. Tintin dump into them a whole mess of Kimberly Daniels. And before you start bitching and fussing and moaning and asking why we aren’t passing out mini-Snickers and Take Five bars like everybody else, I have one thing to say: Kimberly Daniels is so crazy that her column got yanked from Pat Robertson’s site. Now, that shut you up, didn’t it?
Fortunately for us, Kimberly’s posting was mercifully preserved by the kind folks at Charisma and by the Google cache.
Halloween—October 31—is considered a holiday in the United States. In fact, it rivals Christmas with regard to how widely celebrated it is.
Why am I just now being told Halloween’s a holiday? For all these years I’ve been going into the office every Halloween not knowing that the office was closed and that I could have stayed home, put on women’s clothing and gone around the neighborhood asking for free candy.
But is Halloween a holiday that Christians should be observing?
Anyone want to venture a guess here? But first, let’s make up how the holiday was named and throw in some extra Satan:
The root word of Halloween is “hallow,” which means “holy, consecrated and set apart for service.” If this holiday is hallowed, whose service is it set apart for? The answer to that question is very easy—Lucifer’s!
Silly me. And here I was under the foolish impression that Halloween was dedicated to the service of Mars candy and Hershey’s chocolate and the three hundred factories or so in Taiwan and China that make those hyper-flammable plastic costumes sold at your local big box store.
The key word in discussing Halloween is “dedicated.” It is dedicated to darkness and is an accursed season. During Halloween, time-released curses are always loosed. A time-released curse is a period that has been set aside to release demonic activity and to ensnare souls in great measure.
Time-released curses? Who else thinks that somebody has seen one too many time-released Ambien CR commercials on the teevee? (Somnambulism with amnesia of the event has been reported. Do not drive or operate machinery while cursed. If you experience a curse lasting more than four hours, immediately consult your pastor)
During this period demons are assigned against those who participate in the rituals and festivities. These demons are automatically drawn to the fetishes that open doors for them to come into the lives of human beings. For example, most of the candy sold during this season has been dedicated and prayed over by witches.
Well, that explains a lot. Just yesterday I was wondering where all the witches in my neighborhood had gone and now I know that they’re all in Hershey, Pennsylvania, praying over vats of chocolate. I suppose that’s why that dark chocolate Hershey’s Kiss I had yesterday had a slight aftertaste of newt blood and goat semen.
I do not buy candy during the Halloween season. Curses are sent through the tricks and treats of the innocent whether they get it by going door to door or by purchasing it from the local grocery store. The demons cannot tell the difference.
Now, wait a minute. Is Kimberly telling us that demons are smart enough to talk my grandmother into committing sodomy with stray cats while howling at the moon but are too stupid to figure out whether a piece of candy comes from a store or a trick-or-treat bag? I call bullshit.
When nice church folk lay out their pumpkins on the church lawn, fill their baskets with nuts and herbs, and fire up their bonfires, the demons get busy. They have no respect for the church grounds. They respect only the sacrifice and do not care if it comes from believers or non-believers.
Put a pumpkin on your porch and you’re just three demonic Raisinettes away from cutting out your next door neighbor’s liver and frying it up with some bacon, onions and diced puppy ears.
The danger of Halloween is not in the scary things we see but in the secret, wicked, cruel activities that go on behind the scenes. These activities include:
· Sex with demons
· Orgies between animals and humans
· Animal and human sacrifices
· Sacrificing babies to shed innocent blood
· Rape and molestation of adults, children and babies
· Revel nights
· Conjuring of demons and casting of spells
· Release of “time-released” curses against the innocent and the ignorant.
Why do I never get invited to the good Halloween parties? The most frightening thing that ever happened to me at one was when some guy dressed up as Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz had had one too many vodkas and started lifting his dress up over his head.
OK, let me take a look here…
OK, demons, baby sacrifice, raping of animals, orgies….
Nope, looks like zombies get a pass!! Woot!! Gimme some Take Five bars, motherfucker!!!
Poe’s Law, but this is a VERY common perspective among our retarded fundamentalist friends.
Put a pumpkin on your porch and you’re just three demonic raisinettes away from cutting out your next door neighbor’s liver and frying it up with some bacon, onions and diced puppy ears.
Careful, you’re treading on MY turf now. The International Brotherhood of Zombie Workers may bring a work violation.
Geez, as if I didn’t have enough to do this Halloween, now they tell me I gotta schlep around to all the Targets and Walmarts and curse their candies.
One Hallowe’en I ate the souls I’d ensnared all in one go and I puked until morning.
She’s Pastor Swank with a V-J-J!
I suppose it wouldn’t help to explain to her patiently that Halloween is actually All Hallow’s Eve, the day before all Saints Day. In fact, that would probably just reinforce her suspicion, since most of these people think Catholics are as bad as Satanists.
Still, it might help her start her batshittiness off on firmer ground . . .
When nice church folk lay out their pumpkins on the church lawn, fill their baskets with nuts and herbs, and fire up their bonfires, the demons get busy.
What tradition is she talking about? I am not aware of all Halloween traditions.
Shorter Kimberly Daniels- tonight we’re gonna party like its 1599!
I need to fill my bowls with herbs, and fire them up….
Okay, first of all she’s a lunatic. That much is clear.
But, she’s not just a lunatic. Even if you accept her supernatural worldview, this is, literally, heresy. I’ve never heard of a Christian denomination that believes demons are more powerful than, you know, Jesus, but she seems to think so, what with her talk of people accidentally being cursed by their candy corn, or whatever.
Foo Fighters live concert:
http://www.livestream.com/foofighters?utm_source=player-promo&utm_medium=ad&utm_campaign=foo
cutting out your next door neighbor’s liver and frying it up with some bacon, onions and diced puppy ears.
I am reassured by the absence of cilantro from the recipe.
So do the witches curse the candy as part of the manufacturing, during packaging, or while it is on the shelf at Target?
Because I see quality control issues in any of those scenarios, frankly. And I don’t think OSHA is going to want to start regulating workplace hexery.
While that was a perfectly accurate summary, I’m throwing the flag on bogus nut–picking.
So there and all.
It’s like pushing an ALS survivor in a wheelchair down a staircase.
Hypocritical Christian is straining a gnat and swallowing a camel.
The Savage Wiener was on air raging tonight about how trick-or-treating is all part of the process of training our children to want socialism and Obama.
And Rush Limbaugh was advising people to answer trick or treating children by taking candy from their bags and saying some lame shit about how you’re showing them what Obama does.
Man, conservatives just keep figuring out more and more successful ways of reaching out to younger and more diverse constituencies.
Next up: How toys prevent children from learning to work, and Mark Levin will urge parents to make children get jobs instead of playing with toys.
How to make even more friends this Hallowe’en:
* This, of course, is where the rumors of “Rape and molestation of adults, children and babies” come from.
The operational difficulty involved with cursing each and every piece of candy makes it a no-go from an R.O.I. standpoint at the outset.
Just sayin’.
the demons get busy.
That’s hot.
Well, awhile I remember people in all seriousness pointing out that “Santa” was an anagram of–well, You Know Who, and that the whole Santa, Tree, Lights, Presents thing was a tool of the devil to distract us from The Real Meaning of Christmas.
Then they decided that there was a War on Christmas, and that secular humanists were trying to destroy Christmas by taking all that away from them.
I never understood how they get those soft runny curses inside the squares of chocolate.
This was a helluva (ha! See what I did there?) lot funnier when Even Stevphen did it on TDS nine years ago.
The thing I never get it about this kind of fundie wackjobbery is, if God thought Halloween was a no-no, wouldn’t he have, y’know, smote us down or summat summat? Wake me in a month when we learn how Thanksgiving is unMerican and unChristian because it involves making friends with injun-types.
Next up: How toys prevent children from learning to work, and Mark Levin will urge parents to make children get jobs instead of playing with toys.
My favorite was the state legislator this summer (Kansas, Oklahoma or Missouri — see, you don’t have to be from the failed Confederacy to be a total ass-wipe) who voted against school lunch programs because “hunger would be a real motivator for the kids.” (Paraphrase, but true.) (As seen on Countdown.)
Keep up the good work, forces of reaction!
I haven’t read the textbook about schizophrenia, but I’m guessing this woman’s article could be the jacket blurb.
Could it be…. SAAAATA-uh-Lucifer.
Xecky, I gotcher textbook case of schizophrenia right hyar at my link.
It was Cynthia Davis, from Missouri.
Colbert had an excellent suggestion for dealing with her.
wouldn’t he have, y’know, smote us down or summat summat?
DO NOT TEMPT HAPPY FUN GAWD!
As Robertson & Falwell already indicated, post-11 September 2001, gawd let his veil of protection down because of lezbo witches & PETA or something.
Pearl Harbor: Gawd let it happen ’cause Joo FDR forced Social Security down our throats.
cutting out your next door neighbor’s liver and frying it up with some bacon, onions and diced puppy ears.
Hepatoscopy- UR DOIN IT RONG!
The plan is working, the Fundies are all worked up about Halloween, when the real threat of hexery is on Walpurgis Night.
Soon, soon, the stars will be right…note ominous ellipses.
Damn, Lolly, you are fast & memorious.
Thanks for the back up there, too!
· Release of “time-released” curses against the innocent and the ignorant.
I’m thinking these must be like all the little colored balls inside a Contac capsule.
the Fundies are all worked up about Halloween, when the real threat of hexery is on Walpurgis Night.
Meanwhile, we’re already underway with the first preparations for the War on Christmas – and they don’t suspect a thing.
This isn’t schizophrenia, it’s plagiarism. This is a direct steal from the very first Chick Tract I was ever handed on Halloween. Which made me laugh hysterically, because I was Wiccan back then, too, and the closest I came to cursing candy for Halloween was, “Goddammit, I fucking HATE Milk Duds.”
I’m thinking these must be like all the little colored balls inside a Contac capsule.
I think you use those to draw the pentagram on the floor in order to do a timed-release curse.
MB–Thanks for the h/t–I just watch waaay too much Colbert, and have too much of it bookmarked!
I don’t have the video bookmarked from the crazy lady who wouldn’t give out Halloween candy to children of Obama supporters last year–anybody remember her? Helluva way to get people to come over to your side!
people accidentally being cursed by their candy corn, or whatever.
Accidentally nothing, it’s a vital ingredient, listed just before WAX on the label.
The operational difficulty involved with cursing each and every piece of candy makes it a no-go from an R.O.I. standpoint at the outset.
Bah, everything’s automated nowadays.
Ahh, here she is.
And from Fox news, no less. Whatta peesa work.
I love the fundies all-consuming fascination with other people having sex. LOTS of sex, sexin’ ALL OVER. And how it let’s the devil in. hmmmmmmmmmm… SEeehhXXXX. Shame. ALL about the PENIS, nuthin’ ’bout the V-J-J.
But is what she asking for really all that bad? An end to Halloween would be a boon to dental hygiene and might slow the obesity pandemic. And the ridiculous pranks and rotten eggs and toilet paper and flaming bags of p00p. FFS, Hallmarks has Halloween cards. Man in an anti-corporate anarchist cesspool like the one in my brain, Halloween is really a massive orgy of consumerism.
So maybe we should give All Hallows Eve the boot. It’ll make the fundies happy for a couple minutes and it’ll take one more bit of childhood nostalgia out of the money-grubbing corporate co-opt-a-palooza machine.
Just so long as hawt chicks keep dressing up as slutty nurses, slutty policewomen, slutty witches, slutty pirates, slutty [fitb].
Oh and the demon-worship. That part is also non-negotiable.
The Butterfingers of Beelzebub
Heh. That reminds me of this: TAMPONS: Satan’s Little Cotton Fingers!
Meanwhile, we’re already underway with the first preparations for the War on Christmas – and they don’t suspect a thing.
Nice flanking maneuver! With the War on Fox taking center stage in fauxtrage, they’ll never rally in time to save Jolly St. Nick and the Baby Jeebus.
Seasons Greetings!
And I don’t think OSHA is going to want to start regulating workplace hexery.
Wouldn’t that be hexual discrimination?
Not just time-release curses, but Improvised Epithet Devices. You darned p00p-head. Willickers!
By the way, per the DSM itself, religious delusion is not treated as craziness unless it’s cross-cultural. Jewish guy thinks he sees Jeezix in a tortilla or piss stain or something, then he’s nuts. Catholic guy seeing the same thing gets a fucking pass.
Head-candling assholes make too damn many accommodations to whichever culture they’re stuck in, instead of speaking up for mental hygiene for all.
Wouldn’t that be hexual discrimination?
Bravissimo!
Seasons Greetings!
I’m picturing this being delivered by CATS in the Zero Wing trailer.
“Somebody set us up the bonfire!”
You’d think that the huge numbers of babies sacrificed each Halloween would have gotten some news coverage, you know, ever. But what do I know? I’m too busy thinking about all the demon sex I’m going to be getting this time tomorrow night.
I’m picturing this being delivered by CATS in the Zero Wing trailer.
GOD REST YE MERRY GENTLEMEN
HA HA HA HA
Hey, whaddya expect from that damn liberal media?
I pray for them too, every year, and do I ever see any?
If this holiday is hallowed, whose service is it set apart for?
Jumping into the comment box without reading everybody else, sorry if I miss a pertinent comment, but….
WTF??
Doesn’t this stupid c**t get that the holiday is named after “All Hallowed Souls”??? which is just totally fuckin’ Xtian???
What a fucking idiot.
mmm…..kay. Sipping some wine and going back to read the comments. Phew.
Actually, candy-cursing, like most productive jobs these days, has all been outsourced to India. Problem is, they’re all possessed by Shiva now! And when you try to call to arrange for an exorcism, you end up talking to someone who chants the Latin with a Bangalore accent, amiright?
All week, waitresses, veal, etc.
Personally, I prefer to celebrate Dia de Los Muertos instead of Halloween, but I suppose that would be anathema to the right wingers, given that it’s a Mexislamofascist holiday where they actually talk in Messican.language.
Gathering around bonfires is a common practice in pagan worship. As I remember, the bonfires that I attended during homecoming week when I was in high school were always in the fall. I am amazed at how we ignorantly participate in pagan, occult rituals.
Jeezzuz fuckin Christ! Now she’s telling us the pep rally is Satanic!!
Jeezzuz fuckin Christ! Now she’s telling us the pep rally is Satanic!!
Right. Like the football game isn’t. Pff
Kimberly’s picture on the Charisma link is way hotter. Just sayin’.
Now she’s telling us the pep rally is Satanic!!
Well, it’s one of those highly sanitized, “updated” sort of pagan rituals.
You should have seen what the cheerleaders wore back in Nineveh in the old days!
That is one fucked-up cosmology.
Nevermind how awesome “Luciferian Spirit” sounds, I’m just boggling ove the basic idea that there’s some sort of anternate-universe-goatee’d-evil-twin foundation to Christianity. Don’t forget the Luciferian anti-prayers, or the Eucharist of Evil.
That anti-Eucharist is probably pretty awesome. You get handed bits of human flesh and blood which transubstantiate into bland stale crackers and overly-sugary wine. Plus you got to rub dirt on your feet beforehand.
I’ll be dispensing crunchy newt tomorrow, lightly killed and accursedly frosted. And speaking of lascivious behavior around pumpkins, howzabout that Roberto Benigni segment in “Night on Earth?”
Nevermind how awesome “Luciferian Spirit” sounds,
That’s like what the geeky wannabe-cool “religious” bands would call themselves if Satanism were a mainstream religion. Like some lame, parents’ basement prom band now that changes their name to something like “Ascension Force” so they can keep wearing the leather pants and ’80’s hair, and keep playing the same mindless power chord riff-rock, but now they’re playing bible-camps and church-sponsored “youth nights”. All the geeky home-school cases would think they were “hip” and “edgy” ’cause they wear eye-makeup and have tattoos, but now they’re playing shit about how Jeebus loves them, instead of stale cover sets.
Or shorter: Worst. Band. Name. Ever.
Pleased to meet you, hope you guessed my name. Hint: time-release is on my side.
…no Amy Alkon in the post…very disappointed…back to filling the shitmoat (it’s the holiday, you know)
Worst. Band. Name. Ever.
Well, I still like the ring of “Luciferian Spirit”. It’s probably the repeated theme of shininess – and I am partial to shiny things. Shiny.
Mainstream Satanist band? The Creed of lair-obsessed followers of Anton LaVey?
WITH ARMS AS OPEN AS YOU WOULD SHOW ME IF I WAS VISITING YOUR LAAAA-IIIR!
-Okay you’re right. It’d be a sucky band.
Warning! Obligatory Amy Alkon reference; Long sentence division.
Hey ckc, I hear Amy Alkon is right this very minute building a giant shitmoat around her property to keep the spirits of all those luciferian wippersnappers who may deign to curse her blessed front porch come tomorow night and thereby taint her immortal soul with dastardly costumes purchased from Wall-Mart.
I’m just boggling ove the basic idea that there’s some sort of anternate-universe-goatee’d-evil-twin foundation to Christianity.
That’s more your mainstream Gnosticism.
Hepatoscopy- UR DOIN IT RONG!
The archaeologists reckon that this is an Etruscan guide to DOIN IT RITE, but I reckon it actually looks more like a diagram of a placenta. And where was it found? PIACENZA.
Really, what a lame-ass devil this chick is terrified of. Kids dressed as Power Rangers and Pokemon, yeah, THAT should be what’s needed to end all of creation. We were GOING to rapture everyone to Heaven but, no, YOU wanted one more fun sized Three Musketeers.
Luciferian Spirit? I can just imagine the cheerleaders, with their short skirts and goat blood dripping down the front of their outfits.
“Gimme an L!”
Theories. Interested. Newsletter…
I wondered how long it would take for this thread to degenerate into a tequila discussion.
The article is still up at its original source, Charisma.com:
http://www.charismamag.com/index.php/newsletters/spiritled-woman-emagazine/23749-the-danger-of-celebrating-halloween
Belial loves me
This I know
‘Cause my Snickers
Tells me so
It’ll make the fundies happy for a couple minutes.
What has ever given you the slightest bit of evidence these people can be happy to start with?
They’d just move on to complaining about the day before (Devil’s Night) or the day after (All Saint’s Day), or the day after that (All Soul’s Day, Dia de los Muertos), or the day after that (the Independence of Panama).
To sum up, even if a tootsie roll burned its way through your lower jaw like acid, this woman’s still a fucking idiot.
Belial, you say?
Everyone knows that cursing candies is all computerized nowadays. Now witches casting hexes, just lines of computer screens going “0xFFFF”.
No, not now
Call me again and I’m getting restraining order!
cutting out your next door neighbor’s liver and frying it up with some bacon, onions and diced puppy ears.
I am reassured by the absence of
cilantroarugala and dijon mustard from the recipe.Orgies between animals and humans
Animal and human sacrifices
Sacrificing babies to shed innocent blood
Rape and molestation of adults, children and babies
Shouldn’t someone alert the police? Or are they in on it too?
Hmm, that sounds familiar.
And don’t get her started on Kosher food.
This explains everything. She was a common or garden ignorant TalEvangical until someone slipped a Time-Released Curse (TM) into her medicine cabinet. Now she’s been reduced to spouting gibberish and shrieking GET THEE BEHIND ME! at jack-o-lanterns*.
*Veiled Masturbation Reference.
Do witches cast hexadecimals?
“Your average witch is not, by nature, a social animal as far as other witches are concerned. There’s a conflict of dominant personalities. There’s a group of ringleaders without a ring. There’s a basic unwritten rule of witchcraft which is ‘Don’t do what you will, do what I say’. The natural size of a coven is one. Witches only get together when they can’t avoid it”.
A group of witches is normally refered to as an argument -Pratchett
cutting out your next door neighbor’s liver and frying it up with some bacon, onions and diced puppy ears.
I prefer mine with fava beans and a fine Chianti.
I suppose it wouldn’t help to explain to her patiently that Halloween is actually All Hallow’s Eve, the day before all Saints Day. In fact, that would probably just reinforce her suspicion, since most of these people think Catholics are as bad as Satanists.
But Catholics are just as nutty as Evangelical Protestants:
Hallowe’en is the devil’s work, Catholic church warns parents
You know, if Hallowe’en is really the Devil’s work, then I’m afraid his whole reputation for being a dangerous superbeing seems a bit over-rated.
Right. Like the football game isn’t. Pff
No, its just gay.
On the other hand, these first two may be instruments of satan.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/10/23/last-minute-halloween-cos_n_331846.html
This is just funny.
http://www.silobreaker.com/howto-make-a-glenn-beck-diaper-halloween-mask-5_2262682841970114560
well, to be fair, I’d curse anybody who gave me candy corn, I hate that crap. blech…..
well at the pre-halloween-halloween party last night there were no baby sacrifices but i did act like a little devil. ran around writing my initials on hot guys’s chests with lipstick rofl! then my boyfriend and i went home and…well ya know. definitely did some stuff this biddy wouldn’t have liked much. this is why i’m glad i’m a democrat tho. we have so much more fun! 😉
Oh, that’s it. That’s IT. Honest to god, I thought they couldn’t get any stupider.
Rape and molestation of adults, children and babies
Did she leave anyone out?
I can’t believe you didn’t have beers with Gene Shalit after!!!@OMGQ@!!asif
OT but topical
I just got my Medicare (Australia) card yesterday. Long live public health care!!!
I’m so glad I moved to a 1st world country…. something for my homeland to look forward to.
I’m so glad I moved to a 1st world country…. something for my homeland to look forward to.
So you moved there to suckle from their welfare state? rofl. Really something to brag about. Aussie guys r hot tho, in point of fact 😉
thanks for rubbing my nose in it dave, sheesh.
I am seriously considering a similar move.
“I can just imagine the cheerleaders, with their short skirts and goat blood dripping down the front of their outfits.”
Hawt!
“even if a tootsie roll burned its way through your lower jaw like acid”
HAWTIST!
@kg
Sorry man, the euphoria just overwhelmed me. Hopefully it can overwhelm you too…
@CLG
Actually, I am a productive member of society, unlike the vast majority of the US upper class. Several prominent Australians requested my presence in no uncertain terms 🙂
Oh, and “Center-Left Grrl,” in this country you would be called a “fascist.” Or, for any Australians on the site who don’t know what that means, “One Nation Party.”
radical liberals throw around the word “fascist” without realizing that it really applies mostly to the far liberal movement in the us.
yes, best wishes. have you adjusted to the water going the wrong way down the drain? it must be hell.
Whereas radical right wingers(and Center Left grrrls) throw around the word “fascist” without thought of what it applies to at all – they just use it as a catch-all for anything they oppose.
Center Left Grrrl said,
October 31, 2009 at 16:30
radical liberals throw around the word “fascist” without realizing that it really applies mostly to the far liberal movement in the us.
you should write an aw3sum book about this, it would be totes omgrolfthebest!@!
it really applies mostly to the far liberal movement in the us
Outstanding Parody Troll sentence phail.
**Golf Clap**
@CLG: you suck doughy pantloads
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/One_Nation_(Australia)
esp. check out the part about “progressively lost ground at the 2001 and 2004 elections”
The water going down the wrong way is the biggest thing I miss about the US.
no it’s just that the punks i used to hang out with always called everything “fascist” this “fascist” that “bloody fascist” the other and it’s funny because if you really study on it, it’s the far leftist movements that act most like fascists
Lucifer is a part of the demonic godhead. Remember, everything God has, the devil has a counterfeit. Halloween is a counterfeit holy day that is dedicated to celebrating the demonic trinity of : the Luciferian Spirit (the false father); the Antichrist Spirit (the false holy spirit); and the Spirit of Belial (the false son).
The Antichrist would be the false son, according to Revelation. And, you know, by freaking definition.
Daily Dash: Protected from the risk of time-release curses by virtue of not having any teeth to nom candy with, our young man peacefully dreams of being the next Art Tatum.
Satan is just Gods patsy. He’s the Lee Harvey Oswald of monotheism.
When I really study on it, CLG = Troofie.
Bookmark it, libs!
It’s only a matter of time really.
Awww, LDM3 whadda kewtie! (sigh) I miss babies. My kids are older, and too big for belly-blowing (at least when their college friends are around). I know you hear this a million times a day, but treasure this time, it is gone forever before you know it. The days are long, but the years are short.
The problem is the MBAs ordered inflammable costumes thinking it meant “won’t burst into flames.”
“really study on it” = “read Jonah Goldberg” = “an argument that has never been made before with such detail or care” = “because the argument is horseshit”
it’s the far leftist movements that act most like fascists
And I’m sure that “far left” means “anybody slightly left of Augusto Pinochet”.
After all, the Nazis had Socialism!! Right in their name!!
The Nationalist part meant nothing! Nothing at all!!
Zombies are apolitical though.
Seriously.
I would give Center Left Grrls brains to be able to nap like Dash.
Zombies are apolitical though.
More accurate to say politically neutral. I they lean to the left or right, they shamble in circles.
Fetuses, zygotes, stem cells. But only because teh Satanists haven’t figured out how1!
So, in this parallel universe of ant-Christianity, who is the equivalent of Pat Robertson?
ya b/c i totally endorse jonah goldberg (eww) and his views on fascism. NOT! obviously the right can be fascist too. all i’m saying is that if one examines the american hard right vis a vis the american hard left, it’s been the left who have shown more fascistic tendencies since 1968, give or take, in point of fact
“zombie rotten mcdonald said,
October 31, 2009 at 17:21
I would give Center Left Grrls brains to be able to nap like Dash.”
Oh please, being able to nap like a baby is bound to be worth something.
So no trade unless value is equal.
Fetuses, zygotes, stem cells. But only because teh Satanists haven’t figured out how1!
I don’t know about the rape, but when it comes to molestation I hear Mickey Kaus blows zygoats.
it’s been the left who have shown more fascistic tendencies since 1968, give or take, in point of fact
In point of fact, no.
And since we both have the EXACT SAME number of references for our assertions, I have run rings around you logicallY!
references on a comedy blog? srlsly, dude? loosen up!
anyway i still haven’t been to bed from last night so i need 2 get some rest now 4 the big party 2nite! CLG is OUUUUUUUUT
it’s been the left who have shown more fascistic tendencies since 1968
Oh, do expand on your personal experiences in 1968. Do.
In point of fact, “fascistic” is not a word. “Fascist” is both a noun and an adjective. That’s like saying you have “Republicanic” tendencies. In point of fact, it is exactly like saying that. In point of fact. Also.
in point of fact
HEARTLAND.
I believe Tintin is playing.
Well done, sir! well done.
I’d do a polite golf clap, but zombie hands you know.
zombie hands
Pair of aces, pair of eights, one brane.
There’s a poltergeist in my computer monitor! Words are fading away as I read them!
Doesn’t beat much, but distracts the other players long enough to NOM their branes.
In point of fact, “fascistic” is not a word.
Bless you, my child.
Also not a word: “socialistic”, for exactly the same reason.
It is always good to know I am not alone in my hopeless rearguard action.
my hopeless rearguard action
That reference is not veiled AT ALL.
Doesn’t beat much
If it was good enough for ZWBH, it’s good enough for me.
There’s a poltergeist in my computer monitor! Words are fading away as I read them!
It’s just the ghost of Christmas under siege by the left.
Also not a word: “socialistic”, for exactly the same reason.
The OED begs to differ. On both words, in point of fact.
I’ve tried to get the OED ot beg but it just laughed at me.
ding-dong-dilley, u looney libs, rofl, its the hawt coach here 2 serve up a spread of TRUTH in ur radical weirdo fasiscitic faces, lol
In another point of fact (lollercoaster!1), Center Left Grrrl is making me very angry over my inability to address her point(s) (of fact), libs. grrr-rofl!
FYOED, it probably eats brussels sprouts.
when will it get a definition for Lollercoaster?
when will it get a definition for Lollercoaster?
Talk to zombie Shakespeare; he puts it in a play and it’s in the next edition, guaranteed.
I’ve tried to get the OED ot beg but it just laughed at me.
Try giving the riding crop a little more english…
So teens are safe, then? And it’s rape AND molestation? Not just one or the other, but both, for every one of them? Shouldn’t it be rape OR molestation? They might get tired near the end and only molest but not rape and vice-versa the last couple of adults, children and babies.
I love the Mac’s text-to-speech voices. Feed trolling comments to them and boom! It’s an instant right wing radio show. Check it out:
say -v Agnes “radical liberals throw around the word “fascist” without realizing that it really applies mostly to the far liberal movement in the US.”
or
say -v “good news” Liberalism and logic just cannot co-exist.
“Fascistic” is weasel-word, a way of hedging. “I didn’t call you a fascist, I said you had fascistic tendencies. That’s different. I would almost say ‘fascistic-eque’, or sort of ‘fascistic-esque-ish’. Y’know, a little bit fascisty”
one point two million teabaggers in dee cee say, not only are fascistic and socialistic words, but they are synonyms!!! one point two milllion!!! according to thirty repugnutard congresspeople, one point two million teagbaggers.
“Good morning Mrs Smith, how are we feeling today?”
“Good morning Mrs Nonsmith, I’m feeling a wee bit fascisty today.”
When we accept Jesus but refuse to renounce Satan and his practices, we are neither hot nor cold but lukewarm-and the Word says that God will spit us out of His mouth.
So, God spits instead of swallows? A little TMI, in my humble opinion.
Zombies are apolitical though.
And speaking of fascists, I just found out today that Herman Göring used to live in my neighbourhood in the early to mid 1920s, when he was on the run after the Beer Hall Putsch.
one point two million teabaggers in dee cee say, not only are fascistic and socialistic words
Are you sure that isn’t one point two millionistic? Or maybe millionistish? And so what if the decimal has wandered a bit. You say one point two, I say point oh one two. What’s the big deal?
“Secret English court seizes billions in assets from the mentally impaired”
http://joshfulton.blogspot.com/2009/10/secret-english-court-seizes-assets-of.html
The OED begs to differ. On both words, in point of fact.
And if the OED jumped off a bridge, would you?
I’m not surprised to learn that I’m wrong. (I’m still pissed off that they accepted the verb form “obligate”, even though it’s apparently been valid since the 18th century.) It’s not even really that I’m a prescriptivist; I just have what amount to fetishes about some words. There’s a reason I described my position as hopeless. Nevertheless, I hold the line. Fascist is a noun. Fascist is also an adjective. Fascistic is an abomination.
If the wingnuts can hold fast to things that just aren’t so, then by God so can I, especially since I’m not hurting anybody.
when will it get a definition for Lollercoaster?
When it rubs the lotion on its skin. Otherwise it gets the hose.
And if the OED jumped off a bridge, would you?
It didn’t jump, you pushed it off, you foul fiend!
While I was making out with Steve Albini at the party last night, he invited me to an “after party” with him and Jonah Goldberg. It was going to be so hot, lol, but after I went to go get another jello shot he was gone.
“A time-released curse is a period that has been set aside to release demonic activity and to ensnare souls in great measure.”
1) Hey, for a horror story premise, this is pretty darn good.
2) Though it’s stretching a point, does anyone else get the feeling Kim will never send back that DRAG ME TO HELL DVD to Netflix? 😉
“Just yesterday I was wondering where all the witches in my neighborhood had gone and now I know that they’re all in Hershey, Pennsylvania, praying over vats of chocolate.”
Well, that certainly explains why most of Hershey’s chocolate is nigh-on tasteless…:P
Oh, the number’s gone up now! Orly Taitz now says that 4,5 million marched on Washington DC on September the 12th. It’s in the last paragraph of her letter here.
“For example, most of the candy sold during this season has been dedicated and prayed over by witches.”
Well, if you all don’t hear from me again, please have CSI check the demonic Skittles in my downstairs foyer.
A little mood music to enjoy along with your cursed candy.
Oh, the number’s gone up now! Orly Taitz now says that 4,5 million marched on Washington DC on September the 12th. It’s in the last paragraph of her letter here.
Brilliant! Are there also 57 card carrying communists in the State Department?
Well, if you all don’t hear from me again, please have CSI check the demonic Skittles in my downstairs foyer.
Ooooh! Skittles!
“My favorite was the state legislator this summer (Kansas, Oklahoma or Missouri — see, you don’t have to be from the failed Confederacy to be a total ass-wipe) who voted against school lunch programs because “hunger would be a real motivator for the kids.”
Wow, someone give Jane Eyre a heads-up that Mr. Brocklehurst came back from the dead and is lookin’ for her…
For all you Sadly, No! fans who live in and around New York City and aren’t busy at 12 noon on Veterans Day: the Dr. Mrs. Esq. will lead a protest against Bill O’Reilly outside the Fox headquarters. Maybe 4.5 million people will show up.
When it rubs the lotion on its skin. Otherwise it gets the hose.
OK, that’s the second time in 24 hours someone’s unloaded that hose comment on me, I suspect a conspiracy, and it ISN’T EVEN A ZOMBIE MOVIE!!
But since it’s halloween, if a zombie movie doesn’t start soon, Imma gonna have to eat somebody’s brains.
Jeezus lady, you’re the one who’s thinking about animal orgies and infant rape, not me. I just want to dress up funny & get drunk tonight.
“Then declare with me: ‘As for me and my house, we will service the Lord!'”
Don’t know about you, but as for me and my house, we ain’t servin’ nothin’ cuz’ we hate the little rug rats in our neighborhood!
That should be ‘serve’, not ‘service’, the Lord.
God damn, that time-released curse has got hold of my keyboard! Eeeeek!
someone’s unloaded that hose comment on me
Veiled etc. etc.
Don’t know about you, but as for me and my house, we ain’t servin’ nothin’ cuz’ we hate the little rug rats in our neighborhood!
All the more reason to hand out Satan’s Snickers. Time released curses will do the little buggers good. When I was their age we didn’t have these fancy “time released” curses. No, we had to take all our curses all at once on Halloween. Kids today just don’t know what a REAL curse is.
“Ooooh! Skittles!”
M&Ms, Starbursts, and Reese’s Cups, as well. 🙂 No kids have come by yet, though–probably are at parties…
You don’t really know what the word “fascist” means, do you?
You think it means “thuggery by a political faction”.
No, that’s thuggery. It’s a tactic, not a political philosophy. Like terrorism is a tactic, not something your can fight a “war” against.
Fascism is a system of government characterized by racial xenophobia, extreme nationalism, and a fetishism of military culture and authority, all supported by a collusion of dictatorial government and corporate political power, in a non-free market form of capitalism driven by the military-industrial complex.
That is “Fascism”.
Hard-left political types can indeed practice thuggery, but since the halcyon days of the Symbionese Liberation Army and the Baader-Meinhof Gang peaked in the early 1970s, such things have declined on the Left of the US and Europe, not increased. You don’t know a thing about this stuff, do you?
Hard-right extremists are rightly called fascists, because the list of things that the word actually means are the kind of things they believe in. Hard-left extremists might be called “communists” or more properly “Maoists”, like the SLA or “Trotskites” like the BMG.
But “fascists” they are not. Go study some fucking political science and come back when you know what you’re talking about.
A Hallow e’en huzzah! for Joe Max.
Enjoy a sugary treat of your choice. You’ve earned it, sir.
I should point out that here in Nevada, Halloween actually is a holiday, as it corresponds to the date Nevada was admitted to the union on October 31, 1864.
A friend commented on another list:
M&Ms, Starbursts, and Reese’s Cups, as well. 🙂 No kids have come by yet, though–probably are at parties…
You don’t happen to live somewhere on the North Shore, do you?
You don’t? Curses (of the non-time-release variety)!
Like terrorism is a tactic, not something your can fight a “war” against.
True. You might as well declare a “War on Flanking Maneuvers”.
a “War on Flanking Maneuvers”
There was the time the Frau Doktorin responded with a knee to my groin. Does that count?
lmao my text is all ghostly now. that’s kinda kewl in honor of halloween!
joemax the hard left demands both orthodoxy and orthopraxy from any1 associated with it in any way. it is all about rigid thought control. that sounds like fascism 2 me. just spend any time in a left leaning university and u will find out in a hurry who the real thought police are these days lol
thought police. oh cripes…
I really wish they would quit writing about their secret fantasies. It creeps me out.
Seriously though, why does these folks always go to these dark, disgusting places? It speaks of very troubled minds.
thought police. oh cripes…
To a prude, everything is about sex. To a bear, everything is about food. To a thoughtless moron, everything is about being told what to think.
“Tonight on ‘How It’s Made’ — Banjos! Number Two Pencils! Aspirin! Industrial Strength Candy-Cursing Machinery!”
Daily Dash: […] peacefully dreams of being the next Art Tatum.
Invisible keyboard, certainly, but have you considered the possibility that his dreams actually centre on maintaining a blog?
We got into a car and away we started rollin’
I asked ‘How much you pay for this’ she said “nothin man it’s stolen”
Center left girl give me a chance
Center left girl let’s go slamdance
We’ll dress like Minnie Pearl
Just you and me center left girl
Just you and me
Eating fudge banana swirl
Just you and me
We’ll travel round the world
Just you and me centerleft girrrrrrrrl
sorry, I can’t see that name without thinking of the dead milkmen, sorry
Limbaugh takes candy from children? I never would have guessed.
Now I have an image of Lucy and Ethel on the line, in black and white, wearing pointy hats, which are in color and just sort of added on like a bad Flash animation, trying to hex all the candy they can between gulps.
odd, Justme, I see Laverne and Shirley cursing the beer line.
The hand waving on the beer bottle is a real human hand, however, not just a glove.
Re: thought police.
O yeah, because nothing is as orthodox as Sadly, No!. Enforcement, also.
You statists are insufficiently orthodox for my liking, which means you are all fascists, but not in the way that that disgusting “centrist” says, which is a different fascism. Also.
I work for the University of California at Berkeley. (I’m not a teacher, I’m an engineer.) I’m there every day, does that count as “any time”? John fucking Yoo is a professor at Berkeley, and the administration refuses to get rid of him, on the grounds of tenured free speech. So much for the power of the “thought police”.
Having “thought police” or enforcing “orthodoxy” are not Fascism. Soviets and Maoists did those things and they were not fascists, they were communists (sort of.) Dirty fucking hippies organizing rallies to make people feel uncomfortable for being braking mad racist assholes who don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about are not fascists.
Why don’t you say what you mean, instead of abusing the meaning of a word until it means nothing, carrying on the work of the Jonah Goldbergs that you claim to find so icky.
Again, you don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about, do you?
…abusing the meaning of a word until it means nothing,…
Feature, not bug, Joe.
Maybe CRG is actually Chris Muir test-driving a new character. Think about it: trendy youth-culture caricature spewing right-wing talking points and going on about how sexy she is. I hope she can stand the chronic back pain.
It would explain it. I can believe that Muir doesn’t know who Andy Partridge is.
So, Joe Max beat me to this point, but if the word is to having any meaning at all, you can’t apply “fascism” to the left…they can be ruthless, Stalin-esque totalitarian sorts which is not any better, but the fascism qua fascism is quite specifically on the right of the political spectrum, both in its corporate collusion and its more psycho-social aspects which very much fit the fear-based reasoning of the far right wing mind.
It’s also worth pointing out that they teach political spectrum terminology like this in high school or middle school. It’s really disheartening that these conversations go on, and the Jonah Goldberg exists.
Just in case you missed it, this week was the first anniversary of the prediction that changed the world:
Back to the topic, Scott at World O’Crap has the ultimate logical response:
Then again, the popularity of the Left Behind books is a clear indication that a large number of people out there who have no fucking clue how the world operates and other human beings behave.
How do you know it’s not an efficient process — i.e., the witches curse the candy factory, and thus all the candy comes pre-cursed off the production line?
Real Christians know that for that real down-home cursing the way mom used to hex, each piece of candy needs individual witch attention.
u will find out in a hurry who the real thought police are these days lol
Gosh. Personally, I would think that the real thought police are people who would recycle someone’s speech at their kid’s school where they quoted a controversial historical figure, and claim it means that person can’t work in the federal government. Or claimed that someone who signed a petition some 5 years ago was unsuitable to work for the federal government.
but that’s just me.
i.e., the witches curse the candy factory, and thus all the candy comes pre-cursed off the production line?
because then even the NON-Halloween candy would be cursed, and she’s obviously not saying THAT.
That would be crazy.
Hey! I love the ghosty text. That’s even cooler than disemvowelling!
because then even the NON-Halloween candy would be cursed, and she’s obviously not saying THAT.
Then I’m OK since I’m handing out my left-over Easter candy.
Except that when I highlighted it, expecting its contrast to be enhanced like it would have been in Safari or Opera, now that I’m stuck with freakin’ Firefox, it’s obscured completely.
(This also makes it impossible to read all these blogs lately that have pastel lettering on a somewhat darker pastel background. What in the Hell is up with that?)
Then I’m OK since I’m handing out my left-over Easter candy.
Worse than a curse!
I imagine the rock-hard peeps will elicit some interesting comments.
that sounds like fascism 2 me.
Well, yeah. Sure. But you’re operating with the undeniable advantage of pure shrieking idiocy.
It really depends on which department you’re talking about.
Humanities – maybe.
Engineering or Business – not so much.
Hey, OT and all, but you remember what Atgeir the Red a few days ago?
Well, now he has an excuse to never be magnanimous again.
FYWP. I so closed that tag.
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Actually, candy-cursing, like most productive jobs these days, has all been outsourced to India. Problem is, they’re all possessed by Shiva now!
Never, never, never outsource your cursing to India- too many loopholes:
Jayadratha’s father, the old and sinful king Vridhakshtra, had blessed his son with a boon prior to his death – anyone who caused Jayadratha’s head to fall to the ground would suffer by having his own head explode. When Arjuna decapitated Jayadratha, he faced imminent death due to this boon, but Krishna intervened. He quickly asked Arjuna to shoot arrows that would carry Jayadratha’s falling head to his father’s lap when he was sitting meditating in his ashrama. Arjuna shot three arrows simultaneously which carried away the falling head all the way to Jayadratha’s father’s laps. When he got up after meditating, he didn’t see the head in his laps but caused it to fall on the ground. His own head exploded as a result.
Especially for Smut Clyde
Dude’s pretty good with the bow.
because then even the NON-Halloween candy would be cursed, and she’s obviously not saying THAT.
Then I’m OK since I’m handing out my left-over Easter candy.
You know, if candy hexing were actually happening, the stuff for Christian holidays would be extra-cursed.
You know, if candy hexing were actually happening, the stuff for Christian holidays would be extra-cursed.
Diwali was two weeks ago, I wonder if any of the traditional sweets are mass-produced in the U.S….
Don’t know why, but I’m on a real Indian kick tonight- must’ve been the gorgeous Desi girl in the elf costume, riding on the 1 train to the Yale/Columbia game.
On the “leftists are the real Thought Police” front, Crooks and Liars front page has links to articles about a teacher suspended for having students research and write a paper on homosexuality in the animal kingdom, an anarchist whose computers etc seized for tweeting during a riot, Sheriff Arpaio being investigated by the FBI for having critics arrested and using deputies to lean on them, and Dede Scozzafava dropping out because teabaggers thought she wasn’t ideologically pure enough… but professors sometimes have lefty opinions so CASE CLOSED.
but professors sometimes have lefty opinions so CASE CLOSED
It’s all those godless heathens in the public schools teaching only evolution in biology classes, because the Constitution says nothing about separation of church and, shut up, that’s why!
Actually, I think that’s my bad, sorry Tintin.
Kimberly Daniels house may not have creaking floors and cobwebs but it has so much crazy, no kid will go near it.
Peak treatbagging time right now in western OR… crunchy newt going over well.
(Diabolical laughter)
Personally, I prefer to celebrate Dia de Los Muertos instead of Halloween, but I suppose that would be anathema to the right wingers, given that it’s a Mexislamofascist holiday where they actually talk in Messican.language.
Sugar skulls are the Necco wafers of Mexipoperifascism.
Yow! The woman pictured in the step-by-step in the link is pulchritudinous, make a bastard hanker for some sweet, sweet skull.
Hey, N.C. said,
Real Christians know that for that real down-home cursing the way mom used to hex, each piece of candy needs individual witch attention.
Maybe you meant INDIWITCHUAL ATTENTION?!
Also: Rock hard peeps — veiled etc. etc.? I’m trying, people.
Yep, I’d seriously consider boning her as well.
Being too crazy for Buchanan is like being too filthy for Larry Flynt … you could boast about it – if you could get anyone to stay close to you long enough to hear you boasting, that is.
Ouch. Sounds like the sort of announcement you’d hear from a Natural Law candidate (although that’s unfair to the NLP – I’ve never heard of “collateral damage” bombing victims or rampant unemployment resulting from Yogic Flying).
-Sex with demons
VERY-thinly-veiled wishful thinking.
ON-Topic, sort of:
smells like Hallowe’en Spirit!
must’ve been the gorgeous Desi girl in the elf costume
…any pictures?
That vision would put me on a pretty serious Indian kick too.
I’ve never heard of “collateral damage” bombing victims or rampant unemployment resulting from Yogic Flying
Nice Yogic Flying reference! It is to funny forever! You must be on an Indian kick as well!
…any pictures?
Xecky, my attorneys have advised me not to take pictures of strange women on the subway without a signed release form. I had to leave the house early this morning, so I ran out without my paperwork. Picture her as “Lakshmi” dressed as “Link”, and you will have a good idea of how she looked. While I am talking about things subcontinental, I cooked a kickass vegetable poriyal (who am I kidding, it was 90% cabbage with some tail ends of leftover onion, carrot, and bok choy). It was the first time I really, truly hit a bullseye while attempting Indian cooking, and I lifted the recipe from the web.
Xecky, my attorneys have advised me not to take pictures of strange women on the subway without a signed release form.
Which is wise, but I figured it couldn’t hurt to ask.
Picture her as “Lakshmi” dressed as “Link”, and you will have a good idea of how she looked.
I’m picturing, all right. Woo!
Dinner tomorrow: chana masala.
Dinner tomorrow: chana masala.
Good call! Anyone can cook
aloo gobichana masala, but not anybody can bend the ball like Beckham.um… spiritled-woman-emagazine… spiritled?!?!
Rather prefer this: A Alienated Sperm Gizmo Win
Especially for Smut Clyde
When I am directed to a website with a name like ‘http://www.exoticindiaart.com’ then I expect a certain, umm, piquancy; and though it may be gratifying to see a successful test-firing and mid-air interception of the Indian exploding-skull defense umbrella, it DOES NOT FULFIL those expectations.
Nevermind how awesome “Luciferian Spirit” sounds, I’m just boggling ove the basic idea that there’s some sort of anternate-universe-goatee’d-evil-twin foundation to Christianity.
It’s called “Fundamentalism”, unfortunately.
As for the craziness in the cited article…I swear, life must be like a 24/7 World of Darkness LARP for these idio people. Still, I suppose thinking that you’re the last remaining bulwark between millions of innocents and ULTIMATE EVIL must make working a crap job a bit more tolerable…
Thing is Mr Pope, the fundies are anything but monotheistic. They believe in every religion. They just think their’s is better. Paganism, Panthieism, Bhuddism, Hinduism, Holloweenism, its all the same to them. They would consider a statue of Zeus in front of an Athenean diner to be an afront to their religion. They are heritics, and if I were a pope such as yourself, I would excommunicate every last one of those mother-fuckers.
“Peak treatbagging time right now in western OR… crunchy newt going over well.”
That explains why I’m stuck with all this banana slug sushi – no crunch.
“You don’t happen to live somewhere on the North Shore, do you?”
Yes–if you mean the North (East) Shore of New Jersey. 🙂
“You don’t? Curses (of the non-time-release variety)!”
Sorry. Ah, well, it’s probably for the best. Given how demographics-driven capitalism is these days, the candy is most likely targeted at specific regions for more efficient “Dispersal-O-Evil| ™ and all.
And a ton of kids came by whilst I was communing with all youse Imps of Satan and cleaned us out candy-wise. So, Fiendish New Jersey–represent!! Wooo!
Hey Sadlies,
How did you all manage to miss this?! http://thinkprogress.org/2009/09/30/derbyshire-female-suffrage/
That’s our lad John Derbyshire!
Cursing Halloween candy on an industrial scale is certainly possible and, indeed, is already practiced. An ordained and licensed (by teh librul Demoncrap government) witch maintains an office in the candy factory and mutters curses from time to time, in the same way that rabbis and muslim clerics certify kosher and halal, respectively. And since Joos an Mooslims are satanic anyway, the one can easily substitute for the other. And it’s all paid for by the K-U-Parve secret Jewish tax on food.
All I care is I finally managed to unload the last of those exploding Halloween masks last week. Life is good.
Ah, sheesh, that link made my morning.
Spotted, John Derbyshire handling the common cold.
Christmas as celebrated in the U.S. dates all the way back to the thirties when Montgomery Ward, (ancient tribal gathering for deception and wampum slight of tongue,) wanted to figure out a way to boost sales in the final quarter.of the year; to go out with a bang, s.t.s. The desperation, guilt, anger, and the phoniest behavior for all the wrong reasons was astonishing and understandable if one was an innocent child or a recent escapee from the bin. Most of your neighbors are promiscuous drunks.
If you are not standing behind a table at a food kitchen for the homeless making sure that they have, at least, one good meal per year, you’re not worth my nickel that you pinched between your butt cheeks. I must add that it is an interesting trick, but you can keep the nickel.
I’ve heard rumors that a small group of reactionary homeless want to know why there are not more “eating” parties put on by schmucks who the homeless can barely stand to be around. Their creepiness can be unsettling. Participation by the homeless is mandatory. If they can’t get off the streets to get their asses fed once a damn year so that children do not have to become aware that the trolls live under bridges, are dangerous, and inept with company, no one will think that they are cute or interesting from that day forward.
Rent a homeless person. Put him in a red suit and give him a gift of lock picking tools and he’ll speak one’s name with sanctimony in his voice for what little life the bum has left, and he will not come off like he is a serial killer who wants to clean your windows in his hapless imagination. Under normal circumstance you are safe, because he will not be able to exercise good judgment with the schmucks that have only fantasized the courage and desire to execute the trolls before they can carry out their vicious Christ’s Mass plans.
There is a danger, especially at this time of year for privates that are chafed, bruised, and obsessively abused. If one is unfortunate enough to have an alcoholic Rent-a-Santa sleeping under his car… in the… driveway, arriving very late in the evening, but gone before dawn, one will know the feeling of advanced desperation, (involves chilled spine.)
Evidence of his visit are the usual: handfuls of used toilet tissue blown all over the neighbors’ and your front yard. A few cat food cans opened with a knife and the mystery contents sucked out through the slit in the containers scattered around one’s driveway. The troll will have used the garden hose to perform lawn enemas on unsuspecting passer-bys, and Lord knows whatever other perversities to which the hose might have been applied. This is the usual method used for contacting Dick Cheney for his expertise in torture and hiding the pile of cheap paper towels in front of the driver’s side door.
The loud swearing by trolls is a real problem in some neighborhoods. The following is just one example: “You jerks think because you fed me that you are good people, but when you have had enough of me you’ll call trash pickup and have the workers shovel my rotting maggot infested corpse into a garbage truck. You wouldn’t even have the decency to see if I was still alive. You’d step over my body and run straight for the phone. You’ll scream that a loser psychopath threatened you at your home. You will advise them to bring the heavy artillery, because there is no difference between myself and a rabid badger. You’ll say that you knew me well, and to be on the safe side they should bring thirty SWAT team members armed with fully automatic weapons similar to the American squad assault rifle – 750 rounds per minute and capable of cutting a man in half, (yes, divided in two.)
You also advised air support using one Huey chopper with a 60 caliber machine gun mounted at the door. You could have just told me that I had worn out my stay, but you are such a weak, Sad Sack you called in a military assault to remove me from your property. It is for these reasons and more that I have written the god awful truth about your adulterous and murderous scheming. The depraved entertainments, the costumes, the makeup, plastic surgery and removal of your finger prints required a great deal of stolen money.
When you brought me into your neighborhood it was like letting a demon loose at a Sunday school picnic. You gave me the necessary alibis and cover when the well publicized crime wave, (breaking and entering, robbery, and a few aggravated assaults – once I start going it is hard to stop,) you know what I am saying, you’ve been there, hell I’ve been there with you, you sick meat puppet,”) moved through the neighborhood. Some of the dumb asses didn’t know that there are times to resist and times to cooperate.
Due to your uncooperative neighbors I will not be sharing my soul and body with you this holiday season. This should give you real cause to celebrate, instead of the superstitious nonsense taught by your parents. May the other major pagan holiday rite die of indifference. With indifference the war against pagan holidays can be won. Sincerely, your asshole friend, Louis.”
“Are we assembling the manifesto at your place?”
“YOU DON’T GOTTA BE AN ASSHOLE ABOUT IT!”
[Fighting ensues]
because then even the NON-Halloween candy would be cursed, and she’s obviously not saying THAT.
Then I’m OK since I’m handing out my left-over Easter candy.
Talk about your theological dilemmas…
Personally, I like my candy pre-cursed for her pleasure…
I guess casting spells on Hallowe’en candy is devious, although it seems like the most OBVIOUS holiday to do that with. It should really fuck with their heads that someone is doing this for the Fourth of July.
‘Scuze mah butterfingGAHS!
Gathering around bonfires is a common practice in pagan worship. As I remember, the bonfires that I attended during homecoming week when I was in high school were always in the fall. I am amazed at how we ignorantly participate in pagan, occult rituals.
i’m sure the fact that it GETS COLD AT NIGHT in the fall has nothing to do with it.
One wing of my fundie family subscribes to b.s. like this, and I always feel sorry for the kids bc they aren’t allowed to dress up and have fun and get eeeeevul candy from the Hersey gawd at the end of October.
But, hey, I want my money back! I never, ever got invited to fun sounding Halloween parties like what this weird lady was scribing about in her screed. What in the devil’s name kinda parties did she attend in her day?? hmmmmm???? causes me to wonder she done been UP to before this, eh??
These people are into projection is all I’m saying.
When I am directed to a website with a name like ‘http://www.exoticindiaart.com’ then I expect a certain, umm, piquancy;
That’s an x, not an r, and it’s got nothing to do with the MPAA rating system!
Got a little secret for y’all. Wiccan women? You might think that they’d dig a goth dude like Danzig or Marilyn Manson? Nope, they’re all about the Goddamn Batman. I drop into their skyclad circle and they can’t take their hands off the cape, they’re reaching for the utility belt and not for a batarang, either. I’m not braggin’, it’s just a natural fact. Trick and treat, brothers and sisters.
Also, fun-size Snickers are just the best damn thing.
Useless post but I’m glad you guys follow this drivel so I don’t have to.