Damn. How many youngsters’ lives has he had a hand in ruining? By my count it’s at least 3 by now….

Damn. How many youngsters’ lives has he had a hand in ruining? By my count it’s at least 3 by now….

Don’t forget all those heroine addicts he helped too!

missing something? if you have to ask you’ll never know.

.
.
.
jesus fuck i’m sorry i hate it when people say that.

Oh, my god! “Are you warm?” That’s his question? Is he wondering if the kid’s in hell yet, or what? “What more could I have done?”–it’s only now that it occurs to him he could have offered the manly, strapping, well-defined-arms-having, beautiful young man a place to stay? On second thought, the phrase “fate worse than death” does come to mind. I’m a bit ashamed of myself for writing that, since the poor boy is in fact dead, but who knows what else might have happened to him at Swankster’s Place? And I don’t even mean anything sexual–just, if you were feeling rudderless and had had a hard life, would you want Swanky looking out for you?

I am confused.

He really could have left it at that.

Legal emancipation is something that you can do if you’re underage but can prove that you are basically functioning as an adult and making better choices than your parents or guardians.
That’s probably what Swank means by liberation.
It’s rarely granted by judges, so most kids just run away.

I assume his miracle is how he, a man of God, eventually learned, after someone died, that it would be, you know, a good thing to help out people who are homeless and desperate and, well, need your help.

My partner and I have taken in two friends who needed places to stay. We’ve had one for well over three years, the other for over one year. They get on my nerves, but, and here’s the thing, Pastor, we don’t throw them out because they have nowhere to go, and we don’t want them to have to live on the streets or die.

For some reason, pagan me and my atheist partner managed to learn this lesson, that you should help those who need help if you can, without anybody actually dying.

I’m not convinced you’re doing your god any favors by continuing to drag his name into your selfish, vicious, bigoted behavior.

Well at least he didn’t pork him.

To make my point more clearly in response to Lucy’s excellent points, there’s no miracle in the story of this kid, for Swank. The kid and his life and death are merely a prop for the *actual* miracle play, which is about Swank’s own redemption.
This is typical of Swank, really. The people around him aren’t real people, they’re just object lessons for him. They’re marionettes God created to show Swank stuff. They’re no more real than the book he was given so he could learn to read.

There’s a special word for people like that: sociopath.
And Lucy’s absolutely right–this is not a guy already damaged kids should be anywhere near.

If I could go back in time, I would tell him he could bunk out at our place. I could try something more.

Little too much info, there, pastor.

Agreed. I think that staying out of Grant’s “warm embrace” may have been the best thing to ever not happen in that boy’s life.

Story is to Miracle as ________ is to _________.

“Can anybody tell me what the hell is “miraculous” about some poor kid who drops out of school, lives for a while in a trailer and then gets hit by a car and dies? Am I missing something here?”

What you are missing is the miraculous way in which doublethink allows the idea of a loving and all-powerful God to co-exist with such abject human misery.

Maybe the miracle is that the Pastor was born white?

I’d probably kill myself too if I had to rely on the Swankster to teach me to write in.

Um, delete “in.” See, just being close to his picture makes me knot right good.

It doesn’t stun me that the Christian religion is continually mocked here.

The fact of the matter is that miracles happen every day.

The miracle is that anybody publishes Swank. Here’s some more sentences ungainly from a column on “mortals unlawful”:

Even the mayor got into the act. He lauded those all around him for breaking the law. Imagine that. The mayor applauding those ethnics [!] breaking the law to the right and left [!!] Teaching their children to break the law. Old people who should have morals were breaking the law. And they were all told they were doing the right thing. Praise the Lord and pass the ballots!

A Congressman even got into the act. He told those streets packed with mortals unlawful that they were right in step with red-white-and-blue America. After all, just because they are illegals doesn’t mean shame. They need not hide. They need not apologize.

But of course the good Rev must at least have some sympathy for the children? Right? Uh …

Anyhow, there they were, screaming at the government officials intent on deporting them. They were crying tears of woe if they had to leave our pleasant shores. Their children were waiting with anxious hearts, wondering what their futures would be. This country. That country.

His solution?

So as I thought this whole immoral thing through it dawned on me how to get rid of them all. I contend that law-breaking people should never enter American. Those already here should leave. Simple.

And even more visionary:

… because we have porous borders inviting the rough and scuff [!!!] into our boulevards and city centers, we don’t know how to snuff them out. They hide. They sneak. They dig their holes and stay put till dark.

So here’s how we’re going to get them out in the sunshine. I hope Mr. Bush is listening.

Just call for a mammoth illegals rally in Indiana or Kansas somewhere. Plan it for several meadows and fields and open spaces to east and west. Build it and they will come. They’ll bring their baby buggies and grandmas and grandpas. They’ll pack their lunches and some of them will sell weed on the side.

Then when they’re all there yelling and screaming for legitimacy—Mayor Daley in the center of the pack—drop a huge net from the sky down over all of them. Scoop them up in that net and haul them off through the clouds, dropping them in Brazil somewhere.

What a humanitarian. I bet Jesus had a giant sky net that he used to scoop up undesirable old people and babies and haul them off into the clouds, then raining their sure-to-be-corpses on some other brown people somewhere.

(Apologies for the length. There’s just too much in there to choose from … simply impossible to leave anything out.)

And dude … WTF is up with “MichNews” anyway? I thought it had something to do with Michigan, but then I learn that it is in fact:

“Most In-depth, Conservative, Honest News & Commentary

That may be the stupidest piece of language since the evolution of the larynx.

Well at least he didn’t pork him.

Maybe that’s the miracle. The Pastor kept it in his pants despite the broad smile and perfect arms.

Nice to see notorious wingnut troll Gary Ruppert has joined us.

Doesn’t Gary Ruprecht usually troll the Poorman? Oh, and Gary, regarding a “pastor” who wants to lure babies and seniors onto a giant field so he can whisk them away with a giant net … uh, “Christian” isn’t the first word that springs to mind.

Ya know, when he was talking about “What more could I do?” and “He could bunk at my place” and all that jive, I couldn’t help but think that – if it weren’t Swank, of course – this could all be a plea to welcome the illegal aliens. I mean, “Michael” (Mexicans) is in abject poverty but he gets his freedom (crosses the border) but ends up poor and unwanted and throws himself in front of a truck (redneck with a sniper rifle who calls himself a minuteman).

I went from mild aversion to complete disgust by the end of that piece. What a waste of skin he is.

Gotta be honest, he lost me at the grammar tutoring bit. He strings words together that are vaguely reminiscent of English, but it’s all gibberish to me.

Don’t you see? The miracle was the huge boner the pastor got watching his young friend work out at the Y. Praise!

Who’s mocking Christianity? We’re mocking Swank. If you want to step up and claim him as a Christian, feel free, but personally, I’d be offended such an obvious asshole was trying to take cover from my beliefs.

But it’s just such a cute maneuver:
“You’re a son of a bitch.”
“Watch what you say about my mother!”

This man is a homosexual. That’s his business, not mine, but what he did with that boy was not ministering or helping in any way at all. He didn’t do a damn thing!

There are TONS of programs he could have helped this kid get into that would have made a differece in his life.

Since when does a Pastor tutor boys in English at the Y while they’re working out?? What program was he working with to find this kid? Why didn’t he alert anyone to this child’s situation?

I think this Swank character is a fraud. And hellbound. Christians don’t wonder later what more they could have done if someone is on the freaking street! I mean, what’s wrong with this dude? Christians RUN the homeless missions!!

Pride and arrogance is his downfall if he is a Christian.

Love God with all your heart and love your Brother as yourself.

That’s all you need to do!

Well, Swanky pants needs to REPENT!

*shudders to think about the guy*

He sounds ike a drunk old man who likes young boys.

My guess it’s a Swank koan. Y’know, like “what is the sound of one hand wanking” or something.

Gary, my man- Christianity ain’t the target (as has been mentioned). Hell, I wouldn’t hang around here if I thought most of the posters hated Christians (or anybody, for that matter, simply based on one’s affiliation- if you say or do stupid stuff, that’s another thing entirely).
Swank is a ignorant, self-loathing asshole. Self-loathing I can deal with, after all, I confess occationally hating my particular faults, but he doesn’t do anything constructive with it, does he?
As for miracles- well, that is entirely possible, indeed probable, depending on how one defines “miracle” (satistical anomaly with a positive outcome, anyone?).
The fact that most of the idiots on the political opposite of this site are Christians (or Jews, I guess) is not relevant- it’s the stupid, stupid!

if you guys say christians are so bad I can’t imagine why you still live in this country…because you need us real americans to protect you’re sorry assess. idiOts!

See Gary- that is stupidity, which is unconnected with this guy’s religion. Even if he were an atheist, he’d be a dumbass for using such pathetic logic.

Has this blog’s traffic gone up recently? I ask because from looking at the recent comments threads, It sems we’re getting a few more trolls than usual.

But because he is representing Christianity in a position of authority, he forces us to DEFEND Christianity.

He’s icky. And he doesn’t represent the teachings of Jesus one bit.

He should not be allowed to mission! Where can I go tell him off??

Y’know, like “what is the sound of one hand wanking” or something.

shtuppity … shtuppity … shtuppity … shtuppity shtuppity shtuppity shtuppityshtuppityshtuppshtuppshtupshtppppppppp

Thanks so much for linking The Swanker again. My personal interpretation is that his particular mishandling of the the language is a symptom of deeply suppressed expressions just bursting to come out, kind of like ticking when you’re nervous. First, he would like some young topless men, who have no other claims on them or other concerned support, to come and live at this house. If he would just come out of the closet his linguistic contortions would calm right down. It really would be healthier for him.

Demogenens. Ick! Don’t you think “Shtuppity Shtuppity Shtuppity” would be a great name for a blog?

The miracle is that he got a topic for another column. He’s got his daily quote of what — four? five? to fill.

Also, don’t hate Christians, just hate Christianity. There’s still time for Christians to abandon their delusional ways. The end is not near, not by a long shot.

Er, “quota” not “quote”.

His “miracle” is that he realized if he actually acted like a decent human being – instead of self-centered, moralistic, holier-than-thou jackass – he could’ve helped out someone who’s having a rough go of things. It’s taken this guy this long to figure that out?

If I was a Christian – which I ain’t – I’d be seriously hacked off that this is the guy speaking for my faith.

It doesn’t surprise me that you heathens mock Jesus every day.

I love the Christian religion, and I love the Bible.

In fact, I insert it into my anus every day. It’s gotten to the point where I can get a bible and two hands up there.

Praise the Lord!!

It’s gotten to the point where I can get a bible and two hands up there.

Maybe that’s the miracle.

“Beauty is wasted on the young…”??? Jesus’s tits in a mason jar. What the Fvck is that supposed to mean?

If I was a Christian – which I ain’t – I’d be seriously hacked off that this is the guy speaking for my faith.

Hey- I’m a Catholic, from my perspective, he’s just a whacked out heretic… (part-snark)

“Well at least he didn’t pork him.”

Well no, the guy offed himself before Swank had the chance.

So the miracle is that Pastor Swank realized that he missed out on a Good Samaritan opportunity?

I still don’t understand what Swank was “confused” about. But dammit, “Jesus’ tits in a mason jar” is the best thing I’ve heard in a long while!

I don’t know how my comment came up as “anonymous.” Ugh. Sorry.

It’s gotten to the point where I can get a bible and two hands up there.

But the real question is, can you get a Bible, a Koran, and a Talmud stuffed up there? OK, now start with the hands….

At school I helped him with his English — how to construct a paragraph that made sense.

This is, BTW, the most terrifying sentence that I have read all year so far. It has a pretty good chance of making it all the way to the finals, at year’s end.

Stuck italics tag, FYI. If you fix it, go ahead and delete this post.

Major Woody, yeah, but it might make you go blind. So it would have to be in braille.

My personal interpretation is that his particular mishandling of the the language is a symptom of deeply suppressed expressions just bursting to come out, kind of like ticking when you’re nervous.

You know, I bet that’s pretty damn close to the truth, actually. Though I wouldn’t rule minor brain damage out in a syntactical region of his brain. Given that he writes so much, he must just be hammering out the sentences as they appear in his incredibly disordered mind.

“wouldn’t rule OUT minor brain damage” … is there a Murphy’s Law that says whenever you criticize someone else’s use of language, you will always screw up precisely the specific thing you are complaining about?

I just have to de-lurk today, though I’m sincere about the inchoate and worry about being mocked, I’ve been reading more ofen & with increasing relish, and this amazing story and comments capture what it is that brings me to S/N.
What a sophisticated and important piece of work, I’ve been in the “helping profession” as both consumer and provider, and in this narrative I recognize distasteful similarites in Mr. Swank w/ so many social workers that leave me with nothing so much as guilt for my own irritation and petty judgmentalism, but I’m starting to understand so hooray.

“The kid and his life and death are merely a prop for the *actual* miracle play, which is about Swank’s own redemption.
This is typical of Swank, really. The people around him aren’t real people, they’re just object lessons for him. They’re marionettes God created to show Swank stuff. They’re no more real than the book he was given so he could learn to read.”

Yes, this works for me. I needed it, thanks.

Simply put: The logical followup to the words “I believe in miracles” is “where ya from, you sexy thing?”

I second the thanks for that comment about the kid existing as an object lesson. That really crystallizes what turns me off from so many pious people who observe other people crashing and burning and make it into an object lesson for themselves. It just seems so cruel, and the opposite of spiritual. Not to mention narcissistic. God put this kid on earth to benefit Swank?

That erminds me, I heard D. Sidhe was up for best commenter at the Koufaxes. I think I heard that here. Off to go vote.

DA: actually, since it’s on the interwebs, a blog named “Shtuppity Shtuppity Shtuppity” would probably be in audio format for the visually impaired, not braille. Go on, use your imagination…

Some very funny comments here. Thanks to all (except those enjoying Happy Hour in the Troll Lounge).

“Shtuppity Shtuppity Shtuppity”

I only know that quote from the “Baldrick” character in the Blackadder series. Is that the one being referenced, or is it from something else?

Ummm…. How was this homeless kid able to afford to join the “Y”?

And why was he “working out” rather than just “working”? You know, to earn money to buy food or something?

And this part’s a doozy…
“Once I met a neighbor who had taken him to his apartment. The youth slept on the couch. ‘That’s fine with me,’ Michael said without a trace of grimace.”

Like he was expecting Michael to be pissed that the neighbor didn’t invite him to share his bed?

I think this might just be one big, made-up homoerotic parable, but I’m damned if I can see the point. It is funny, though!

Gary

I am christian, just a different flavor of christian than you.

Your problem (and the root of our disagreement) is in not being able to tell the difference between a true christian in action and a righteous blowhard talking.

Who would jesus defend?

celticgirl, you’re right, that was very inside-the-box(turtle) of me. Oaktown Girl, didn’t think of Baldrick on that one, though I do love his cunning plans dearly.

I think the miracle here is that Swank was spared his own inevitable outing when the kid conveniently jumped in front of a car. Praise Jesus!

“”What more could I have done to rescue him?” I ask myself over and over.”

Anything at all would have been a start, you fucking sociopath.

2 things are clear (and that’s not bad for a piece by Pastor Swank). First, if he is helping people with their english grammar, they’re doomed and probably should take the safe path and kill themselves. Second, Jesus tits in a mason jar is without a doubt the number one take-away line from the internets this week. Not sure how I’m gonna use it, but I’m pretty sure I’ll use it often.

mikey

The miracle of using a teenage suicide (by a self-serving, self-righteous, repressing, homosexual, fundie, preacher) as a morality play about true compassion, while failing to recognize that is exactly what he did not show. There.

“Can anybody tell me what the hell is “miraculous” about some poor kid who drops out of school, lives for a while in a trailer and then gets hit by a car and dies? Am I missing something here?”

The miracle is that Swank creates the biggest non-sequitur ever composed by ending it with the concluding paragraphs:

“So I’m left with this recurring thought: ‘Today am I passing someone who needs a real friend? If so, who then is it, Lord?’

And you?

Jesus said: “Greater love has no man than this–that he lay down his life for his friends.” (John 15:13)

Through another vote on the barbie for “theo-psycho-sociopath at the center of the world who sees others as shadow puppets”. This kind of sick bastard is what really turns people away from religion.

Oh, and as for the fatuous troll comment:

The fact of the matter is that miracles happen every day.

With that kind of regularity they cease to be “miracles” and instead become “physics”.

“THROW another vote”, even. Is there some kind of linguistic pathogen attached to this thread that’s spread by contact?

Must be, Triff– I first read “physics” as a misspelled version of “psychics” (why, I don’t know; it wouldn’t be in context or make sense, but it would be Swanky!).

And, when I went to type this in, I misspelled by own handle as “MSG” (thinkin’ ’bout lunch!) and then had to keep backspacing over numerous typos and improper verb usages, aa well AS CAPS LOCk issuez, an problms with teh spac ebar.

Language is a virus from outerspace…

I must add my kudos for “Jesus’ tits in a mason jar”. It’s simply orgasmic! Totally made my day.

Gary Reich-spurt,

I am also a Christian, and I am offended by ignorant, right-wing fundamentalist shmucks like Swank who pervert the message of Christ.

If you think that Swank is so great, why don’t you go and give him a manly hug with your perfect, trim arms, win him over with your beautiful winning smile and spend the night on his couch? I’m sure that Swanky would be happy to redeem himself with you.

Q. “Why’s the front of Swanky’s pants wet?”

A. “He must have redeemed himself.”

And they say that sometimes he’s not wet; it Depends.

Demogenes –
If we really want Pastor Swank to take over the duties at Red America, we’ll need a plan so cunning you could slap a tail on it and call it a “weasle”!

If the members of this bog don’t hurry up and post something new, I’ll be forced to call the New York Law Firm who will start kicking Seb, Brad, and Gavin in their male bages. Please, do an update…there is only so much Swankery I can take.

You’re all forgetting the most important point of the parable: swank sees kid workign out at the Y, then swank gives him tutoring with his writing, then kid’s life goes to hell and he kills himself.

This is the first ever recorded incident of swank’s writing actually claiming a life.
Who said miracles had to be a good thing? look at Job, but in this case swank is satan and god doesn’t give a long waffling monologue at the end.

I wondered about that young man with the broadest smile.

Is Swank saying that he was wondering while smiling broadly? How does he signal other thought processes?

maybe the Pastor is saying HE needs a friend.

It would have to be “plans cunning” involving “mortals unlawful” for the “column relaunched” known as “American Red” … akk. Swank really melts the old brain, doesn’t he?

Maybe he babelfishes all his columns from the original Proto-Wingnuttian into English or something, hence the tortured syntax.

At school I helped him with his English — how to construct a paragraph that made sense.

Dear World Cruel,

Since losing my ability hard-won to communicate in English proper, I have made a decision desparate to jump in front of a truck speeding and end my life futile by truck splash.

Signed,
Character Apocryphal

PS: Tell Swank it’s a miracle. He’ll be happy to hear that.

Gavin, you owe me one laptop, for I have spewed much liquid upon it, verily.

That out-Swanked the Swanksta! Bravo!

It doesn’t stun me that the Christian religion is continually mocked here.

The fact of the matter is that miracles happen every day.

Umm, what? Bit of a non sequitur, don’t you think? Sorry, I know you don’t speak TraitorTalk. That means “shit that makes absolutely no sense given the current direction and content of the conversation”.

LOL, truck splash.

Gavin, aka Satan’s Weenie Roast, you are *so* going to Hell.

I have a cute ass, you sinner. The devil can look but not touch.

Pshaw, you know the devil always gets sinners in the end.

It doesn’t stun me that the Christian religion is continually mocked here.

Whew! Now we know you get the obvious. Although, to be precise, the religion is not mocked. Sanctimonious prats who claim to worship the messenger but have obviously missed the message are mocked here. Along with a cast of thousands. I have no problem with Christians or Christianity, but like many other things, I wish y’all would keep it to yourselves.

It doesn’t stun me that the Christian religion is continually mocked here.

I am shocked–SHOCKED!–to discover mocking going on here! Continually!

For my report, just what part of “the Christian religion” was mocked in this post? Mocking a man who happens to claim to be Christian (a debatable postulate, at best) is not equivalent to mocking the religion itself…unless you ascribe to thamaturgy, which would be heretical in Christianity….

The fact of the matter is that miracles happen every day.

So the miracle in Pastor Swank’s story is…what then? This is the logical equivalent of

Swank: “This cat is black.”

Brad: “How can you say this cat is black? I do not see a single black hair on this pussy…cat.”

Gary: “The fact is many cats are black. I see black cats every day.”

Brad: “Okaaaaaaay…dude, can I have some of that crack when you’re done?”

Swank: “I smoked it all! John 3:16!”

Okay, so maybe I extrapolated the last bit….

Foolish mortals.
The miracle was that Swanky never got caught for the hit-and-run that killed the kid!

He never said it wasn’t his car did he?

As for Christian mocking:

John 3:16
For God so loved the world that He sacrificed Himself, to Himself, to appease Himself, and is now just beside Himself. And if anyone doesn’t believe this they will be tortured for all eternity.
Oh…and He loves you.

Why do I visualize Swank tickling a weasel while he wrote this trash?

Somehow, I got Pastor Swank’s fortune cookie with my dinner last night……..

“You have much skill in expressing yourself to be effective.”

Those English sentences, that journal, our mountain climb, his post office welcome, the last time I heard his voice on the phone — it all came rushing over me.

It reads like the opening of a Harlequin Romance:

Those sinewy arms, that broad smile, our mountain climb, his manly hug, the last time I heard his voice on the phone — it all came rushing over me when I heard of Dirk’s untimely death.