26
Scouting Ben’s Possible Replacements
Now that Ben Domenech has resigned his position as the Washington Post’s resident conservative red-blooded all-Amur’can blogger, we should probably start thinking about his replacement.
For your consideration, Gavin and I have compiled a list of right-wingers whom we think can capably fill Ben’s sadly vacant shoes. Each candidate will be graded in several important categories that we feel are essential for anyone looking to take Ben’s place, including “Cultish Loyalty to President Bush” and “Spittle-Drenched Insanity.” In the end, though, it will be YOU, you Sadly, No! readers, you, who will decide on the winner. Once the winning candidate is chosen, we will e-mail our suggestion to Washingtonpost.com editor Jim Brady and WaPo media critic Howard “Colonel” Kurtz.
[Gavin adds: We have a new mail-bombing device, you know. Hat tip to Talk Left for leaving it out where we could find it.]
And now, without further ado… let’s meet the candidates!
Candidate #1: John Hinderaker, Powerline
Pluses: Almost certainly writes his own blog entries and articles. Hinderaker’s writing has a characteristic stuffy-headed fluster-bluster, like a middle-aged Minneapolis litigator telling you what he ought to have said to that liberal know-it-all at the cocktail party two nights ago. A plagiarized sentence would stand out like a shock of orchids in a landscape of grayish Lego castles.
Hinderaker mostly avoids outright, ass-naked lying in favor of selectively misusing facts and quotations, and makes great hay from the “pretending not to know things” trick, spacing out beyond Pluto on any context or key information that would contradict his position — i.e., he knows the rules of mainstream opinion writing. He apparently has no interests or sense of humor and is not “a nice guy in real life” — i.e., supporters will be unlikely to mount an embarrassing pro-Hinderaker campaign in event of nude cocaine brawl, plagiarism, serial retail fraud, tri-state killing spree, or other public-relations headache.
Minuses: Sex appeal not a factor, needs brothers Chico and Harpo to perform many crowd-pleasing skits, has real job.
Cultish Loyalty to President Bush: So strong that it cannot be calculated with primitive Earth numbers. Hinderaker was the first to leap and catch the rubber biscuit on the Dubai ports deal, and is the author of the now-famous poem, “Hyperbolic? Well, Maybe”:
It must be very strange to be President Bush.
A man of extraordinary vision,
And brilliance approaching to genius,
He can’t get anyone to notice.He is like a great painter or musician,
Who is ahead of his time,
And who unveils one masterpiece after another,
To a reception that,
When not bored,
Is hostile.
Was initially stunned by the Harriet Miers nomination, but quickly recovered by gulping down a fresh, red pitcher of Kool-Aid while rueing the Kool-Aid frown it left on his upper lip.
Spittle-Drenched Insanity: 5 out of 10. Sees entire world in black-and-white terms, where facts that don’t agree with his opinions are malicious lies spread by liberal evildoers. Personalizes everything. Is insecure and prone to fits of rage, and is thus easily bear-baited. In other words, scores at exactly the median for conservative bloggers.
Potential to Educate WaPo’s Latte-Drinking Readers About “Red America“: 5 out of 10. Hinderaker resembles the small-town banker in 1930s movies who tries to foreclose on Old Widow McHenry’s mortgage, and is foiled by kids putting on a show in a barn. It is impossible to imagine Hinderaker in a bowling alley. On the positive side, he is at heart a thumb-ignorant rube who is swept up by popular enthusiasms as helplessly as a gum wrapper in a Kansas twister.
Candidate #2: Adam Yoshida- adamyoshida.com
Pluses: Lives in his mother’s basement, so his low living expenses mean that he would likely work for minimal pay. He can also speak in fluent Klingon and Elvish. What’s more, he recently upgraded to 14 Strength and 16 Dexterity.
Minuses: He posts very infrequently nowadays, probably because he’s too busy defending Middle Earth from marauding hordes of orcs and level 5 rock trolls.
Cultish Loyalty to President Bush: 10 out of 10. I think this quote best exemplifies Yoshi’s devotion to the preznit:
So long as the Log Cabin Republicans and people like Andrew Sullivan remain faithful and loyal supporters, there is every reason to listen to and respect their views. But, if they wish to oppose the President, then they can go straight to Hell[.]
The bottom line: it’s OK to have sex with other dudes as long as you’re into Bush as well. Bitchin’.
Spittle-Drenched Insanity: 10 out of 10. Although there are many, many fine examples of Adam’s lunacy out there, these are my personal favorites:
1.) Called for the assassination of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez as a warning to other Latin American leaders who “forget their place in the natural order of things.”
2.) Asserted that America would have won in Vietnam if it weren’t for Mark Felt and those meddling WaPo kids.
3.) Advocated the murder of Iraq war critics and opponents of the Bush Administration: “Today Kent State is memorialized as a great tragedy because a few traitors (or those stupid enough to stand near them) were killed when, in fact, one of the great tragedies of the [Vietnam] war was that there were obviously too few Kent States. 55,000 Americans ultimately died for nothing because of those people. If a few of them would have had to die to curb their disloyal behavior, then so be it. We can win the war against the enemy abroad by taking the fight to the enemy at home. Destroy the opponents of this war and you’ll convince our enemies that they have no chance of beating us either on the battlefield or at the ballot box.”
4.) Advocated creating a formal alliance with Russia and turning Chechnya into “one giant internment camp.”
Potential to Educate WaPo’s Elitist Liberal Leaders About “Red America”: 0 out of 10. Adam seems like an ideal replacement for Ben Domenech, until you learn that he’s actually Canadian.
Candidate #3: Marie Jon – Renew America
Um, the less said about that, the better.
Candidate #3: Pastor Joseph Grant Swank, Jr.- Michnews.com
Pluses: Pastor Swank has a prolific output that simply can’t be matched, as he publishes between five to seven 750-word columns per day. Also, his views on womb babies and homo nups would give WaPo.com the socially conservative voice that it’s been lacking.
Minuses: Would require aggressive drug testing. His sentence constructions are grammatical and syntactical abominations that will leave the WaPo’s editors begging for death. Here is a brief sample of his work:
You get the idea.
Sudden berserk Swank appearances in World O’ Crap comment threads suggest that enabling comments at Red America would be unwise.
Cultish Loyalty to President Bush: 9 out of 10. Swank used to be the ultimate Bush loyalist, but the Dubai port deal has shaken his faith somewhat.
Spittle-Drenched Insanity: 184 out of 10. Swank advocates deporting all Muslims in the U.S. or interning them in camps. Also, his church got infested by demons one time.
Potential to Educate WaPo’s Latte-Drinking Readers About “Red America” : 2 out of 10. There’s nothing Pastor Swank can tell WaPo readers that they haven’t already heard from that schizophrenic hobo who stands outside their local 7-11.
Candidate #4: Iron Fist – Little Green Footballs
Pluses: Possible successor to the aging Cal Thomas as op-ed columnist. Refreshing lack of Washington-insider cocktail-circuit mentality. As a popular figure at Little Green Footballs, the premier Pajamas Media site, Iron Fist comes with strong mainstream right-blog credentials and a ready-made readership. Also, plagiarism would quickly be caught by sharp-eyed readers detecting a diminished use of capital letters and “bwa-ha-ha”ing.
Minuses: Accelerated destruction of Washington Post as respected journal, Kay Graham howling from tomb, gales of laughter and high-fiving in New York Times editorial offices, left-bloggers never again bored or in need of diversion, some other trifles. Jim Brady, this might be your man.
Cultish Loyalty to President Bush: 10 out of 10. However, President Bush would be instantly forgotten if a strong, godlike figure were to rise from amongst the people, wielding a mighty hammer of justice and heralding a brutal age of victory for the people of the sacred American homeland against the weak, whiny wailings of the far-left liberal Democrat moonbats and their Jewish Muslim masters.
Spittle-Drenched Insanity: Like the universe itself, infinite yet ever-expanding. A brief selection of examples might include:
1) Purported caching of weapons by Iron Fist in preparation for Muslim invasion of U.S.
3) The getting of woodies from the assault on Fallujah.
4) Advocating nuclear genocide.
Potential to Educate WaPo’s Latte-Drinking Readers About “Red America“: 10 out of 10! Despite reportedly being, in real life, a fat, scrawny-limbed veal-like person with a likely history of extreme late-draft kickball-team recruitment, Iron Fist is an authentic and proud, joyously full-throated voice of majority Red America. Or, at least, that segment of ordinary America that’s been completely bonk-sozzled and brainwashed by twenty years of propaganda paid for by right-wing billionaires and directed by a panoply of fake foundations and think tanks — and that’s been told that it’s ‘a majority’ so often that it can no longer imagine otherwise. But of course, as the Washington Post explained at the inauguration of the Red America blog, that part of America deserves a voice in a newspaper of record too.
Iron Fist speaks for that majority — the really small one made up of mean, irrational dorks with talk radio constantly blaring. Make room, Dan Froomkin!
Candidate #5: Kaye Grogan – Renew America
Pluses: Kaye’s super-hot leopard-skin potato sack outfit would give WaPo’s website a much-needed dose of sex appeal. She’ll also have street cred with young people, who will be simply wowed by her rapping talents:
Christmas is under attack and we must fight back.
Without Christ there wouldn’t be a world adorned with lights.
Without Christ there wouldn’t be Christmas days or nights.
No matter how you try you can’t destroy the Christmas spirit from within.
And as we begin to unite against you — we will eventually win.
Fo’ sheezy, K-Gro.
Minuses: Her rambling, semi-literate rants are just as perplexing as Pastor Swank’s. Plus, her, “use” of… puncutation will — make her “editors” head, blow “up.” Rumors that she’s struggling with a crippling glue addiction are sure to make her a controversial choice.
Candidate #6: Brad R.- Sadlyno.com
Pluses: Already writes for a semi-popular blog. That’s about it.
Minuses: Astoundingly unfunny and mean-spirited, Brad attacks his opponents with a mix of foul language and baseless ad hominems. He is quite fond of using the phrase “cum-guzzling ass-fuck monster twat,” which likely won’t meet the Post’s standards for civilized discouse. What’s worse, he isn’t even a conservative.
Cultish Loyalty to President Bush: -80 out of 10. Brad can’t watch Bush on television without going on a mad, profanity-laced rant.
Spittle-Drenched Insanity: 7 out of 10. Anyone who openly discusses their masturbation habits on their blog isn’t exactly “all there.”
Potential to Educate Sodomite WaPo Readers About “Red America”: 3 out of 10. Although Brad currently resides in Boston, he spent a few years living in the Midwest as an undergrad. He sorta enjoyed his time there, and he thinks that Meijer can kick Wal-Mart’s sorry ass. He really hates NASCAR, though.
Hoosier X said,
March 27, 2006 at 3:15
It is so hard to choose, isn’t it? I think picking one of those people would generate howls of liberal bias from the conservative blogosphere. Surely it can’t be that hard to find a conservative commentator who isn’t either a delusional liar or a barking mad illiterate?
(I’ll read the op-ed page of the Wall Street Journal tomorrow and be jolted back into reality. That really is the best they can do.)
I’ll vote for Yoshida mostly because his English is clear enough that you know you have divined his intention, even if it makes no logical sense.
Pinko Punko said,
March 27, 2006 at 3:41
Sweet Yoshida, oh since THYCWOTI resigned, perhaps TSecondHYCWOTI, Ben Shapiro should have a shot? Or will the inevitable interactions with groupies lead to this unfortunate headline “LIBERALS POPPED MY CHERRY”
C.I. Dreyfus said,
March 27, 2006 at 3:48
Swank! Swank! Swank! Swank! Swank!Swank!Swank!Swank!
There can be no other.
Red and Black said,
March 27, 2006 at 4:08
I understand that a certain Mr. Deutsch has some time on his hands now.
mr. x said,
March 27, 2006 at 4:58
Okay, I did a little research of my own in order that I might make an informed choice. Where to start, decisions, decisions. Let’s see…
Hinderaker: Middle aged male American lawyer. Yep, definitely slimy enough.
Quote: “I’m not saying there isn’t an Abramoff scandal. There might be. I just can’t figure out what it is.”
Note to Self: If I get in trouble with the law, I definitely want this guy to get me off.
Yoshida: Fascist male Canadian. That’s gotta win points at Sadly No! But not with me.
Quote: “A handful of such ships could, if necessary, wipe an entire nation off the face of the Earth. In the face of such power, most rational nations would have no choice but to accept permanent American world rule. ”
Note to Self: If he gets in trouble with the law, I definitely don’t want Hinderaker to get this guy off.
Marie Jon: Female hottie, competent writer/journalist, wingnut extraordinaire. No wonder she was disqualified, she might actually give you Bozos a run for your money.
Quote: “Literally, people are dying for the lack of honest reporting of the news.”
Note to Self: No matter what, I definitely want Marie to get me off.
Pastor Swank: Preacher, Republican kook, nut job. This guy is off his rocker, totally!!
Quote: “Frankly, I don’t have a clue what’s going on in Iraq or most of the rest of the planet…”
All right!! Ding, ding, ding. We need not look at any other contestants. We have a winner. Hands down, the man who most typifies and speaks for the right: Pastor J. Grant Swank, Jr. Congratulations Pastor Swank!! Would you like to say a few words? Okay, here you go: “…drop a huge net from the sky down over all of them. Scoop them up in that net and haul them off through the clouds, dropping them in Brazil somewhere.”
Note to Self: No matter what, I definitely don’t want to rankle Swankle.
Phila said,
March 27, 2006 at 5:00
Kure Kure Takora!
The Liberal Avenger said,
March 27, 2006 at 5:00
No Manshake?! Jeff has been jockeying for this position for YEARS!
swam thing said,
March 27, 2006 at 5:02
Actually Jim Brady has a real opportunity here– he could hire a real, old-fashioned conservative to fill that blogging spot at the WaPo.com. The kind of conservative who still believes in balanced budgets, sensible foreign policy, minimal government intrusion into our lives, and wise management of our natural resource base.
Good luck, Mr. Brady….
renato said,
March 27, 2006 at 5:03
I vote for Adam Yoshida, who has sadly been forgotten since he stopped allowing comments on his site (which of course were the best feature there).
I am, however, disappointed that Floyd Alvis Cooper was not nominated.
renato said,
March 27, 2006 at 5:04
and how could you have forgotten Jeffy-Lube Gannon????
QuentinCompson said,
March 27, 2006 at 5:05
MERKIN PATRIOT RULZ!
-
renato said,
March 27, 2006 at 5:07
“A handful of such ships could, if necessary, wipe an entire nation off the face of the Earth. In the face of such power, most rational nations would have no choice but to accept permanent American world rule. “
Yes, but what would Adam do if it wasn’t his turn and another player turned in a card set for 15 armies???
freq flag said,
March 27, 2006 at 5:09
Kaye Grogan.
I must strongly disagree “about” her Minuses. I think, her 21st century punctuation, and grammar would be a bonus in addition to “being” the first rapping conservative, blogger.
John Brownlow said,
March 27, 2006 at 5:13
Oh, c’mon, Iron Fist all the way.
(or should that be Iron Frist?)
notanumber said,
March 27, 2006 at 5:14
What about Atlas? TITS, man, TITS! No conservative blogger makes sense, so we might as well get TITS. And they could put her on page three.
Arcoman said,
March 27, 2006 at 5:16
But wait, what about Capt. Ed? Surely, Capt. Ed knows enough Klingon.
grytpype said,
March 27, 2006 at 5:23
Please let it be Kaye. Please.
Kalkin said,
March 27, 2006 at 5:38
The LGF-er. No question. Your ‘potential to educate…’ rating gets it exactly right.
profbacon said,
March 27, 2006 at 5:44
I`m voting for Jesus` General
anonymous said,
March 27, 2006 at 5:46
Marie! Marie! Marie! Marie!
This has to peg the wingnutlickspittlemeter: As evidence of the liberal bias in the media on its reporting from Iraq she cites an article from foxnews.com.
Too fucking funny.
I think she can survive one instance of plagarism. She’s the choice.
tomboy said,
March 27, 2006 at 5:53
How about anna benson? I visited her site and i think she could give the post.com a bit of sex appeal. Tap right into the lizard brain of red america.
Phoenix Woman said,
March 27, 2006 at 5:57
Screw the conbloggers. Let’s make the WP pick a reality-based blogger!
Vote in this poll for your favorite blogger that you think deserves a six-figure WP paycheck.
Anonymous said,
March 27, 2006 at 6:08
Damn you libruls. Your Kaye Grogan link made me soil myself.
Anonymous said,
March 27, 2006 at 6:09
Marie!
Marq said,
March 27, 2006 at 6:14
I think Iron Fist would make the most “interesting” choice. If we have a run-off situation, Swank is a strong choice as well.
Indy said,
March 27, 2006 at 6:19
I think Devistatin’ Dave, the turntable S.L.A.V.E., wants his mojo back.
Viserys said,
March 27, 2006 at 6:19
This post reminds me that we have not seen an X-TREME WINGNUT CHALLENGE, or even a simple Swank post, for an unconscionably long time. For shame, I say.
melior (in Austin) said,
March 27, 2006 at 6:24
Katherine Harris has decided to focus her campaign efforts on the kookoo bananas Christian strategy.. hooboy, this could be fun!
watou said,
March 27, 2006 at 6:26
I agree that Anna Benson has been conspicuously overlooked. She’s kind of local to DC now (Baltimore) and she has demonstrated her Red America credentials in spades:
From the New York Daily News, Jan. 22, 2006:
“Hell no, I’m not going to change for anybody. (Kris) loves me. I’m very true to myself and to Kris.” (To reporters, after showing up at a Mets event in a low-cut Mrs. Claus outfit to distribute toys to children.)
“You are a selfish, pathetic excuse for an American, and you can take your big fat ass over to Iraq and get your pig head cut off and stuck on a pig pole. Then, you can have your equally as-fat wife make a documentary about how loudly you squealed while terrorists were cutting through all the blubber and chins to get that 40-pound head off of you.” (In an open letter to documentary filmmaker Michael Moore.)
“I wear fur. I wear dead rabbits and dead minks and dead anything that will keep me warm. I love it. I don’t like to be cold, and nothing keeps me warmer than my dead animals.” (n an open letter to People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.)
“How are they going to sit there and say it’s so controversial when they sign someone like Delgado, who turns his back on our flag?” (On new Met Carlos Delgado, who in the past has refused to stand for the playing of “God Bless America” in protest of U.S. policies.)
“I said, ‘You better put that $5,000 chip away before you get f—.’ The dealer heard me and cast me out. .. It’s bull—-, the whole thing. .. Why are they trying to get moral? I’m mean, we’re gambling. People are drinking. This is Las Vegas. I don’t want to hear this. There are no morals here.” (Describing her outburst at the World Series of Poker in an interview with the Daily News.
“I told him (Kris) — because that’s the biggest thing in athletics, they cheat all the time — I told him, ‘Cheat on me all you want. If you get caught, I’m going to (have sex with) everybody on your entire team. Coaches, trainers, players.’ I would do everybody on his whole team.” (During an appearance on Howard Stern’s radio show.
jeff-perado said,
March 27, 2006 at 6:34
I suggested Marie Jon’ the other day, but then I got to thinking.. It can’t be a woman who is the voice of Red America, because all women are supposed to be in the kitchen or cleaning the house except for one day every 9 months when they’re allowed to go to the hospital to birth a kid. Thus Marie Jon’ is right out.
Then I thought well hey, Brian Cherry is up to much these days, he can shill, and he is properly religiously motivated. But that whole long hair thing is wrong… WRONG! I tells ya. So, if he cuts his hair, puts on a cheap chinese-made knockoff Armani suit, he just might pass as a blue-blooded red stater.
If he turns it down, then let Iron Fist have it. I’d enjoy just sitting back and watch the fun as IF hits the D.C. coctail circuit.
Ralph said,
March 27, 2006 at 6:35
By a wide margin, that is the funniest blog post I have ever read. I was crying with laughter and woke up another person in the house who thought something was wrong.
Hang your head in shame!
jkd said,
March 27, 2006 at 6:36
Brad, I can’t believe you forgot Assrocket’s other qualifications.
Gary Frazier said,
March 27, 2006 at 6:55
It can’t be Yoshida. He’s subject to being pwned by level 10 n00bie Jedi. What a putz.
tomboy said,
March 27, 2006 at 7:13
Yeah anna benson would be great. She’s a hot security mom who loves guns, hates liberals, and threatens violence.
She has taken the assrocket like stance of disagreeing occasionally with the president, but never telling anyone she disagrees with him because he needs and deserves our respect.
Plus she is just outright tacky. Not only does she dress inappropriately, say inappropriate things, but she flaunts her money and does not resist the temptation to tell the whole world the dollar amounts of her charitable contributions. “She is a true humanitarian with a heart of gold and is always trying to make life better for society,” and that comes from her own bio on her own website.
She is the perfect red american.
D. Sidhe said,
March 27, 2006 at 7:16
Well, my money would have been on Iron Fist, but that was funny enough that if you tell me where to direct my persistent emails, I will write often and demand they hire Brad.
(Though, I’m also going to demand they hire Doghouse Riley to head up their Blue State Blog.)
Magnum said,
March 27, 2006 at 7:29
I vote for Adam Yoshida. Each of his essays contained pure nuggets of right wing wisdom. It’s a shame he doesn’t publish daily anymore. Give him a larger audience for encouragement.
Christopher said,
March 27, 2006 at 8:35
I think only Iron Fist really qualifies. Assrocket is too highbrow for the audience that the WaPo is trying to reach, some of the entrants are women, and one is canadian.
My criteria is to find somebody as much like Domenech as possible, so most of them are disqualified.
Really, only Swank and Fist meet all the qualifications, and I feel that Swank doesn’t have youth appeal. He’s too grandfatherly to really get the xtreme in-your-face cyber-inter-teen demographic that I think they were really going for.
klyde said,
March 27, 2006 at 8:50
Sadly anna benson isn’t in the running so I gotta go with pastor swank.
Ianua Ditis said,
March 27, 2006 at 9:31
wow, I’m surprised to see so many write-ins for Anna.
But not one vote for Brad R.?
Anonymous said,
March 27, 2006 at 9:56
The Nice Doggie!
Frank said,
March 27, 2006 at 13:00
I’m not worthy, but definately Iron Fist. Unless Floyd Alvis Cooper is available.
Woodrowfan said,
March 27, 2006 at 13:18
I vote for Brad. The WaPo already has plenty of conservatives posing as liberals on their editorial page, so why not a liberal posing as a conservative…
Brad R. said,
March 27, 2006 at 13:35
Well, my money would have been on Iron Fist, but that was funny enough that if you tell me where to direct my persistent emails, I will write often and demand they hire Brad.
Actually, this was a true Gavin-Brad creation. We each wrote half of the profiles.
huxley said,
March 27, 2006 at 13:40
This is no comprehensive … where are the true master wingnuts:
* Doug Giles!
* Virgin Ben!
* Vox Day!
Where are the nutbars of yesteryear?
huxley said,
March 27, 2006 at 13:42
sigh, I can’t read K-Gro without getting stupider:
“This is not comprehensive”
LA Confidential Pantload said,
March 27, 2006 at 13:44
I can almost smell the bias here..you pretend you’re not prejudiced against honorable men of the cloth by nominating the Swanksta, yet NOT ONE WORD about that hottest of leather preachers, Rev. Doug!
Worst. President. Ever. said,
March 27, 2006 at 13:52
An impressive line-up!
But as an American who lives in Canada, I’ve gotta vote for Adam Yoshida.
And I think once Bu**sh** and his fellow fratboys read a few of Adam’s columns, they’ll grant him US citizenship retroactively before you can say “Fuck the constitution, what this country needs is warrantless surveillance”.
Steve M. said,
March 27, 2006 at 13:56
A plagiarized sentence would stand out like a shock of orchids in a landscape of grayish Lego castles.
YOU SAID “LEGO”! YOU’RE AN ANTI-DANISH BIGOT! YOU’RE AN ISLAMOFASCIST-SYMP!
bartkid said,
March 27, 2006 at 14:35
C’mon, without Power Man, Iron Fist is really missing some flava.
RT said,
March 27, 2006 at 14:43
Gotta go with Pastor Swank, for his eloquent command of a new strain of Engrish. You have no chance to survive make your time.
Yosef said,
March 27, 2006 at 14:57
PP, THYCWOTI never resigned. I just took the weekend off.
Evan said,
March 27, 2006 at 15:00
I sold all of my copies of Zip Zap Rap! to contribute to Ben’s defense fund.
For naught!
Also, I vote for K-Gro, as I am convinced her columns are some kind of post-modern artistic statement about linguistics that we are simply not ready to comprehend.
theCoach said,
March 27, 2006 at 15:21
I’d go with KayGro.
Dreamweasel said,
March 27, 2006 at 15:45
What an impressive collection of wingnuttery! I had to visit Anna Benson’s site to see what all the fuss was about… that may be the most obnoxious thing I’ve ever seen in my life.
tigrismus said,
March 27, 2006 at 16:01
I vote for this mysterious Bradley person. I hear if he just watches NASCAR in person once, he’ll be in New Hampshire every weekend from then on.
Ken Houghton said,
March 27, 2006 at 16:02
I think you owe an apology to all the hoboes outside of the 7-11s, many of whom are much more lucid and fact-based than Pastor Swank has ever been.
Anna Benson deserves the write-in support, in part because she suffered through a year in NYC and only made the papers for the Santa Comes Now outfit.
Plus Baltimore is below the Mason-Dixon line (definitionally), so she could pretend to be a Southern “almost-virgin.”
Lacking Anna, though, getting Yoshida out of retirement would, alone, be worth the effort.
kiche said,
March 27, 2006 at 16:06
general jc christian.
all those other people are just posers.
annie angel said,
March 27, 2006 at 16:06
I vote for Atrios, he encourages his trollposters to steal the identities of those who speak agaisnt his hippie bullshit.
He’s way worse than Ben, and he has an army of trolls just waiting to serve his every need.
Now, considering what he looks like, how ugly must his posters be?
It’s an assured constant stream of visitors to your site WAPO! People that fat and ugly never leave the house.
annie angel said,
March 27, 2006 at 16:09
Jesus General is not Christian. He likes to piss on the name of Christ and then laugh about it. He’s got a big parody alert button on his site.
He’s not funny, and oh my did he love me until I refused to join in the Christ bashing.
He’s lame and a rip off of Beliefnet’s Reverend Monkey and the Jesus Street Ministries.
Demogenes Aristophanes said,
March 27, 2006 at 16:09
I nominated this post for funniest of the year-to-date over at Wampum’s early Koufax thread.
I sorely wish you had included one more candidate, though … we know him well … he is …
WARRIOR.
teh l4m3 said,
March 27, 2006 at 16:30
Hey, word on the street is the terrorists have just come out with a new, ruby red grapefruit-flavored AIDS splash. I’m dying to get a taste.
Iron Fists Cat said,
March 27, 2006 at 16:38
Miaow!
So much more to know about “Iron Fist”!
How he “accidently” killed his “best friend Sam”, a stretch in the big house, his time as a Red Lobster “Chef”, his possesion of firearms despite (he claims) being a convicted felon… his fondness for bragging about cutting people.. on and on..
The website “Discarded Lies” has a hilarious thread on Fist detailing his many lies
Paul Dirks said,
March 27, 2006 at 17:13
Kaye Grogan – ReDnew America
Dan Someone said,
March 27, 2006 at 17:44
So much more to know about “Iron Fist”!
How he “accidently” killed his “best friend Sam”, a stretch in the big house, his time as a Red Lobster “Chef”, his possesion of firearms despite (he claims) being a convicted felon… his fondness for bragging about cutting people.. on and on..
So Iron Fist is James Frey in disguise?
S.D. said,
March 27, 2006 at 18:08
I think John Hinderaker of Pajamaline is most qaulified. Just look at his Operation Yellow Elephant Background.
He apparently gets all the Talking Points! Question is: Can he work for the Media that IS soooooo liberal???
doesn't matter said,
March 27, 2006 at 18:16
>It can’t be a woman who is the voice of Red America, because
Well, then, examining the options given I think you are stuck with Kaye Grogan.
Clif said,
March 27, 2006 at 19:02
I have to vote for my buddy Pastor Swank. Particularly after this
melior (in Austin) said,
March 27, 2006 at 19:33
Jesus General is not Christian.
I’m sure I am not the only one of Gen. Christian’s readers who was insulted by this accusation of apostasy from new poster “annie angel”.
Oh sure, then she tries to make up by conceding that the good General is “not funny”, what next, is she going to reveal to us that he is “not homosexual” too?
Look, if it makes Mus-Coms like annie’s day to come to this fine site and slander the good General, we should consider just deporting them all to Afghanistan where they can practice their hatred of fine American upstanding heterosexual Christian leaders like the General with their burkas on.
annie, shouldn’t you be in the kitchen?
Mal-3 said,
March 27, 2006 at 20:03
I gotta vote for my main man Yoshida on this one. Sure, he’s Canadian, but he so desperately wants to be American that it hurts.
Besides, if he gets a gig at the WaPo, maybe he’ll bust out another couple columns on how the US should develop space-based weapons and conquer the galaxy. That shit is just intense.
Blue Gal said,
March 27, 2006 at 20:16
Beautifully done. How much is WaPo paying you? It isn’t enough, darings.
annie angel said,
March 27, 2006 at 20:29
Austin,
Are you on glue? Patriotboy is not a real Christian, he trolled my blog, he had his trolls troll my blog, my goodness, if you read that blog, search out my name, I was there defending Christ and I was flamed, abused and then banned for it.
Because I refused to piss on the name of Christ.
Patriot boy is a lame joke. I’m sorry you didn’t see his advertizing or his disclaimer.
Sheesh!
annie angel said,
March 27, 2006 at 20:34
shoelimpy.blogspot.com
Hire Shoe!!! He’s the best.
celticgirl said,
March 27, 2006 at 21:04
SN!, your bog is now being graced with one of the trolliest trolls on teh internets-AA, and her sidekick ShoeLimpy (TM). I really recommend clicking on the link and visiting her blog. No, really. You’ll thank me later.
Let the games begin!
annie angel said,
March 27, 2006 at 21:23
I’m not a troll, celticgirl, but then again you kbnow that and are here to try and ruin my reputation.
tigrismus said,
March 27, 2006 at 21:24
Celticgirl, it made my teeth throb.
teh l4m3 said,
March 27, 2006 at 21:28
I think it’s rather presumptuous of anyone to suggest that Jesus did not enjoy the occasional round of piss-play…
And I’m pretty sure the punishment for presumption is stoning, IIRC my Bible…
Anonymous said,
March 27, 2006 at 21:29
Annie Angel is an anagram of analingus.
Ron Mexico said,
March 27, 2006 at 21:40
Annie Angel?
Is that like Annie Christian? My least favorite Prince song?
annie angel said,
March 27, 2006 at 21:43
The punishment for mocking God is an eternity burning in the lake of fire.
I’ll be in Heaven on my little fluffy cloud, watching on pray-per-view and lauging my cute little ass off.
Kathleen said,
March 27, 2006 at 21:53
this is the greatest S,N! post ever.
Ben said,
March 27, 2006 at 21:59
What’s the punishment for self-righteously proclaiming to know the mind of God and sneering at others who are “less pure”? Wasn’t there a parable in the Bible about that somewhere?
And I’d be careful about how you describe your ass on this site; after all, if it’s really as “cute” as you say…
Religious Hypocrisy Smackdown said,
March 27, 2006 at 22:00
Hmm. Isn’t Schadenfreude a sin of some sort?
I just love it when self-righteous alleged Christians smugly insist on flaunting Christianity with such un-Christian sentiment. Methinks someone kind of skimmed over that last Testament there.
annie angel said,
March 27, 2006 at 22:08
It’s not a sin to tell the truth, it’s a virtue. My ass is cute. My legs are possible the best in the world, definately on the net.
My soul is saved. There is no punishment for telling those who piss on Christ exactly what is coming to them….there’s reward for it!!
SINNERS!! REPENT!!!!
celticgirl said,
March 27, 2006 at 22:16
Annie honey, have you been drinking again?
Really, I don’t have to ruin your reputation. Just keep on doin’ what you do…Just remember, I’ve seen you in action elsewhere.
annie angel said,
March 27, 2006 at 22:21
Bullshit. You don’t know me. If you knew me you’d be more than happy to say where you knew me from.
I don’t recognize your name, pagan.
Ben said,
March 27, 2006 at 22:21
Oh, man! Too bad I’m married – I guess I’ll just have to let the rest of the single men (and lesbians) here tell Annie what they’d like to do to that ass (and those legs!)
annie angel said,
March 27, 2006 at 22:25
Bullshit. You don’t know me. If you knew me you’d be more than happy to say where you knew me from.
I don’t recognize your name, pagan.
annie angel said,
March 27, 2006 at 22:26
Ben, don’t sexually harrass me.
Kathleen said,
March 27, 2006 at 22:29
Annie really has the Christian spirit.
wasn’t it in the Gospels of Mark where Jesus gleefully predicted how he would be laughing at all of the suffering of sinners in hell, and then talked about His ass? or was that a letter from Paul to the Ephisians?
celticgirl said,
March 27, 2006 at 22:30
Wow, she doesn’t know me, but she knows I’m a pagan. Lucky guess, or deeply in denial, which one could it be? Hmmmmmm…
AA really stepped on it over at the General’s and got her “cute” ass banned, along with her Limp friend, with a nice combination of blog whoring and bible thumpin’.
Keep talking Annie…
tigrismus said,
March 27, 2006 at 22:33
I’m getting the distinct feeling Annie is no angel.
celticgirl said,
March 27, 2006 at 22:34
Oh, and Annie? I’m not mocking your God, just you.
Demogenes Aristophanes said,
March 27, 2006 at 22:35
Annie’s a tourist and a fake … just a guess.
tigrismus said,
March 27, 2006 at 22:38
My guess is that everybody here has a cuter butt, too.
Ianua Ditis said,
March 27, 2006 at 22:49
what about pooping on Christ? Is that bad also? Because I had a bunch of buffalo wings and I feel a hot one brewing.
Or is it only pooping on his name that would be bad?
annie angel said,
March 27, 2006 at 22:50
Oh you’re one of the JG Christ pissers…funny don’t recall seeing you there. It’s not unusual though, most people see me post and thnk they know me, it’s a wish kind of thing.
With a name like yours, pagan is a good bet, sugar.
annie angel said,
March 27, 2006 at 22:52
They loved me at Jesus General until I refused to join in their mocking of Christ. They never had as much traffic as they did when I was there.
mr. x said,
March 27, 2006 at 23:03
aa – you are one messed up dude!
celticgirl said,
March 27, 2006 at 23:07
Word Annie: nobody has the right to act all holier than thou except your pal Jesus. You would do well to remember that.
I would never piss on Christ-he’s a relative of mine (yes, I’m one of THOSE people, a Merovingian on top of being a pagan.)
Oh oh, watch out. I think her head’s gonna ‘splode now!
annie angel said,
March 27, 2006 at 23:10
Celticgirl,
Why do you assume I care what type of pagan you are? It’s all the same to God…..a sin. I could care less about you, you are the one who came on here all like,
“OMG!! It’s AnnieAngel! She’s like soooo cool and everything!! Check out her blog, I wish I were her!!!”
Get a life, it’s pathetic that you are trying to make yourself noticed by me by attempting to set your religion up to be flamed.
LOOSER!!!
mr. x said,
March 27, 2006 at 23:11
No one is looser than you aa.
mr. x said,
March 27, 2006 at 23:17
I wanna be a pseudo-religious walking, talking, contradiction in messed up messianic messages, baby!!
celticgirl said,
March 27, 2006 at 23:18
*psst, let her talk mr. x – she’s just gettin’ warmed up*
She’ll start off by telling us how sexy she is, but then scold anyone who rises to that bait.
Then she’ll go all fire and brimstone and pull out the Old Testament treatment on all of us heathen sinners.
Finally, she’ll pass out in a drunken stupor until she wakes up and starts all over again.
Really, like MJ’, AA is a gift that keeps on giving…
celticgirl said,
March 27, 2006 at 23:21
AA: Merovingian. Go ahead, Google it. Hint: it’s not a type of pagan…think “DaVinci Code”.
Sixpak Chopra said,
March 27, 2006 at 23:30
Iron Fist. He’s a much better representative of the Redstate self-loathing in the closet demographic than Buttmissile.
Marie Jon’ is a little too French to go over with the true wingnut…
pamela said,
March 27, 2006 at 23:58
Kaye Grogan! Kaye Grogan! Kaye Grogan!
Animal print “unitards” are in style. everybody knows that? don’t they! Beside you guys are “meaner” than a nest full of stuck pigs for “making” fun of kaye? period?
annie angel said,
March 28, 2006 at 0:04
Celticgirl,
Calm down. You don’t know me. You’re making a fool out of yourself acting like a 12 year old with a crush on a movie star!
Gavin M. said,
March 28, 2006 at 0:19
Calm down. You don’t know me. You’re making a fool out of yourself acting like a 12 year old with a crush on a movie star!
Terroristic threats against other posters and their children and/or pets are not tolerated on this bog.
We are prepared to notify the New York Law Firm.
annie angel said,
March 28, 2006 at 0:29
Notify your mama her son’s going to Hell. I’m sure it will break her heart, but then again, what do you care???
annie angel said,
March 28, 2006 at 0:36
Whoops, you seem to be the dude in charge, sorry, I’m sure your mama is a very nice lady.
But that doesn’t take away from the fact you are going to Hell. You still need to repent.
The New York Law Firm said,
March 28, 2006 at 1:40
Did it work? It’s sure quiet around here all of a sudden.
-The Real, Not Fake Attorneys
annie angel said,
March 28, 2006 at 1:49
Hi! I’m Annie….tell me about your portfolio….
Dr. IUD said,
March 28, 2006 at 3:21
Gavin, beware of false prophets, they come to you in sheep’s (or angel’s?) clothing, but inside (in their butts?) they are ravening wolves.
a good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, yet what kind of fruit has this ‘angel’ brought us?
PS I vote for Brad R.
Demogenes Aristophanes said,
March 28, 2006 at 3:38
The real annie angel got fucking shot in the fucking face by fucking Atrios three fucking days ago.
This is obviously the anti-annie angel, trying to trick us down the path to Hell. Nice try! Get behind me, Satan!
Pinko Punko said,
March 28, 2006 at 5:49
what the hell is going on? what sort of threads do I have to be in to cross annie angel? I haven’t crossed her path before. She doesn’t want to sinko the pinko. she’d better keek her junko in the trunko!
Christopher said,
March 28, 2006 at 7:18
I don’t get it.
Repent? Christ? Piss?
I’m not sure I get the reference. Is it from a comic book?
Frankly, I also don’t get the joke.
Bentley Stanforth III said,
March 28, 2006 at 8:32
This is the funniest post I’ve seen in a long time.
I nominate the Pastor.
Marq said,
March 28, 2006 at 9:13
Annie… Fannie?!? Oh, sorry, hon–wrong kinda ass. I love how annie implies that celticgirl just sorta wandered in here to attack her. Here’s a hint, Ms. angel–celticgirl has been a regular here for a very long time. The interloper is you! So, you managed to get banned over at Jesus’ General, eh? Impressive. If you can swing getting banned here, I’ll really be impressed.
renato said,
March 28, 2006 at 9:55
Because I refused to piss on the name of Christ.
if you’re not up for the job, I am.
celticgirl said,
March 28, 2006 at 10:43
Yeah, what Marq said! One of us got a custom SN! Holiday BlueStocking (TM) and one of us is an interloper!
(OK, that *was* juvenile, I admit it)
Jillian said,
March 28, 2006 at 13:44
You have all been reading too much Pharyngula lately, I think, which would explain the Godless behavior I see around here.
Frigging heathens.
100 monkeys typing. said,
March 28, 2006 at 14:16
Shorts, the non-Bermuda Variety
* Liberal recommendations for the Conservative media… or Benny Panacea. * The bitch lied. Period. * Corruption corrupts and absolute corruption corrupts absolutely. * Protecting your freedomses here so we don’t have to protect them overseas. QOTD THE…
mdhatter said,
March 28, 2006 at 14:20
Yoshida
yes, do taunt happy fun ball.
Dan Someone said,
March 28, 2006 at 16:47
I feel compelled to warn people that interloping outside of marriage is a sin, and could result in being cast into an eternal lake of fire or piss.
Lurker #29188 said,
March 28, 2006 at 17:52
“They loved me at Jesus General until I refused to join in their mocking of Christ. They never had as much traffic as they did when I was there.”
Posted by: annie angel | March 27, 2006 10:52 PM
“Christ WHORE!”
(think LEPER WHORE and Sam K.)
annie angel said,
March 28, 2006 at 18:33
I didn’t say pagangirl wandered here to find me…I said she got all excited like a little girl who is getting to meet a movie star. I’m glad she’s a long timer here, well actually I’m feeing pity, but whatever.
You have to admit she’s a great big fan of mine who can’t wait for me to show her attention.
Now Marq, either treat me with respect or ignore me, and while you’re at it, find Jesus.
annie angel said,
March 28, 2006 at 18:34
Oh, I was banned at JG for being Christian.
Marion G. Paquin said,
March 28, 2006 at 19:24
Pastor S. However, if he’s deemed to old to appeal to the younger, swingier wingnut set, how about Annie Angel herownself? I just dropped over to her site and WOW. Just a thought, although I still think Pastor’s the way to go.
celticgirl said,
March 28, 2006 at 21:00
Annie, I thought you were all about being truthful. You got banned from the General’s for being a jerk. Period.
annie angel said,
March 28, 2006 at 21:07
I was banned from JG for being Christian. See, they thought I was a fake like they are. They loved me. They thought I was the best thing ever.
Then the whole board started flaming me, it’s disgusting, you can read it there still. And not only that,they had a call on JG to troll my website AFTER I had been banned.
Which they actually attempted. The loosers.
annie angel said,
March 28, 2006 at 21:07
I was banned from JG for being Christian. See, they thought I was a fake like they are. They loved me. They thought I was the best thing ever.
Then the whole board started flaming me, it’s disgusting, you can read it there still. And not only that,they had a call on JG to troll my website AFTER I had been banned.
Which they actually attempted. The loosers.
Marq said,
March 29, 2006 at 0:45
Um, annie, dear, that’s not how “losers” is spelled.
annie angel said,
March 29, 2006 at 0:52
I’m not your “dear” please stop sexually harassing me.
RSJ said,
March 29, 2006 at 3:12
This was an hilarious re-organization of Hindey’s words into poetry.
“A Stroke of Genius: Hyperbolic? Well, Maybe”
by John Hinderaker AKA “Hinderocket”
It must be very strange to be President Bush.
A man of extraordinary vision,
And brilliance approaching to genius,
He can’t get anyone to notice.
He is like a great painter or musician,
Who is ahead of his time,
And who unveils one masterpiece after another,
To a reception that,
When not bored,
Is hostile.
And a poetic reply:
“Hinderocket’s Lament”
by R.S. Janes
It must be very strange
to be a Hindrocket
a square man desperate
to fit into someone’s
round socket.
Ah, the fake Texas twang,
the cowboy hat, the nasty chuckle –
If only “Hindey” could delve
more closely beneath his idol’s
belt buckle.
But mere words must
supplant the physical act,
a warm leakage of odious verbiage,
if one can’t fellate one’s god
in flesh and in fact.
Matthew 6:5 said,
March 29, 2006 at 4:36
I just talked to Jesus.
He told me that Annie is exactly the kind of self-righteous hypocrite that “makes Me puke My guts out.”
He also said that he’d seen her ass and described it as a “cellulite magnet”.
Marq said,
March 29, 2006 at 7:12
Oh, believe me, I wouldn’t do that. Not even if we were the last two people on earth. Hon.
annie angel said,
March 29, 2006 at 7:19
Marq, you find it funny to make women uncomfortable?
Dan Someone said,
March 29, 2006 at 7:35
Hey, annie, you know what to do if the comments to a blog make you uncomfortable? Stop reading them.
Ot at the very least, you might stop trying to make this entire comment thread all about you.
Dan Someone said,
March 29, 2006 at 7:36
Dammit, I promised myself I was not going to feed this particular troll. Bah.
danny devil said,
March 29, 2006 at 7:53
annie, all this talk about your ass and legs makes me uncomfortable and therefore constitutes sexual harassment. not even the NY Law Firm with its impressive “portfolio” could credibly argue that it is not.
annie angel said,
March 29, 2006 at 8:26
Wow, Dan Someone is so not talking to me that he’s trolling my blog. *eyes rolling*
Glad he’s not focusing on the aspects of this thread that deal soley with me.
:)
annie angel said,
March 29, 2006 at 8:27
Actually Danny Devil, the fact that you are interested in my legs and ass, which all women have, and are talking to me about my body parts in a way that objectifies me IS sexual harrassment.
I trust the New York Law Firm will deal with this forthwith.
danny devil said,
March 29, 2006 at 8:53
I’m not interested in them at all. Rather, as made clear in my comment, I’d prefer you not talk about them as it makes me uncomfortable. Unfortunately, a partner at the New York Law Firm told me that I couldn’t sue just because something makes me uncomfortable, though the term “dear” is so objectionable that he might change his mind if you talked to him. Make sure you ask about his portfolio.
celticgirl said,
March 29, 2006 at 15:54
My work here is done.
annie angel said,
March 29, 2006 at 16:54
YAY!! Pagan girl is leaving!!
Danny Devil,
I can talk about my body to the board in general, it’s when you get private with it and talk privately with me about my body parts and start objectifying me that it becomes wrong.
The NY lawyers told me that yur response is typical, but that you are ignorant of the law.
We’re suing you, this site and Bill Clinton.
celticgirl said,
March 29, 2006 at 17:43
God girl, get a fucking CLUE – and get over yourself while you’re at it.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.
danny devil said,
March 29, 2006 at 17:44
who’s talking privately? i just asked that you quit making this board into a hostile commenting environment with incessant references to body parts. i eagerly await your complaint. if it is not well-pleaded i will unfortunately have no recourse but to move for Rule 11 sanctions.
annie angel said,
March 29, 2006 at 18:42
Danny Devil,
I’m not spamming this board. Is that your accusation? I am replying to posts written to me.
The hostile environment is being caused by those ,who, like yourself, don’t seem to know how to be polite and have decided to use this opportunity to be sexually harrassing to a pretty girl, me.
All further contact with me should be through my lawyers at Willkie Farr & Gallagher.
The New York Law Firm said,
March 29, 2006 at 20:09
Notice: We are hereby authorized to file under Section 11.
annie angel said,
March 29, 2006 at 21:53
Do you deny the factual contentions I have presented here are warranted?
celticgirl said,
March 30, 2006 at 13:24
Ahem, *some* of us might feel like we’re being harassed because of our beliefs, like being told we’re going to burn in an eternal lake of fire and stuff while *others* are watching on pray-per-view and laughing their “cute” (a subject term, surely) asses off.
Do you deny the factual contentions I have presented here are warranted?
annieangel said,
March 30, 2006 at 17:43
I don’t care what your beliefs are, you could worship a pink unicorn for all I care.
But you will go to Hell.
celticgirl said,
March 30, 2006 at 19:25
‘elp, ‘elp, I’m bein’ repressed!
annieangel said,
March 30, 2006 at 20:33
I’m tired of you being my nemesis on this board, you’re just too witty and original and I can’t handle it.
Let’s just be friends. I’m serious, pagangirl, I can’t fight with you anymore, it’s making me too sad. I’m a very sensitive person, you know.
Hershcel Belitsky said,
March 31, 2006 at 1:08
Oh my! Where should I start…
Iron Fist is a close personal friend of mine and I believe it extremely unwise to belittle him.
I have seen this man in ACTION. Mock him at your own risk.
Will I notify Iron Fist of your insults?
I think you know the answer..
Hershcel Belitsky said,
March 31, 2006 at 1:10
Oh my! Where should I start…
Iron Fist is a close personal friend of mine and I believe it extremely unwise to belittle him.
I have seen this man in ACTION. Mock him at your own risk.
Will I notify Iron Fist of your insults?
I think you know the answer..
Capt. Trollypants said,
March 31, 2006 at 9:34
IRON FIST FIST SMASH!!!!!
FISTING IRON FIST FIST FISTING FISTERER!!!!!!!!1!
Captain Slack said,
March 31, 2006 at 15:10
I’m just amazed you left out Mike “hoo-hoo dilly” Adams.
mdhatter said,
April 14, 2006 at 1:44
“But you will go to Hell.”
awesome! See you there!