Awesome beyond words
David Weigel, who has long been one of this blog’s libertarian pals, fills us in on a movie that is going to kick your ass so hard that your ass will end up thinking it’s your face. Does that not make sense? Too bad! Get a load of An American Carol:
I’m holding a palm card that was just given out at the Heritage Foundation to promote the new David Zucker film An American Carol. If I fill out the card, I can take one of four pledges, such as “Yes, I will send the trailer to my contacts” and “Yes, I want to be AN AMERICAN CAROLER or THEATER CAPTAIN.” It’s an induction to a movement, as the slogan on the card makes clear: “Finally, a movie for us.” […]
In it, filmmaker Michael Malone (Kevin “brother of Chris” Farley) and his organization MoveAlong.org are trying to repeal the Fourth of July when three angels—the Angel of Death, George S. Patton, and George Washington—come to him and convince him to change his ways. […]
In a scene that Sokoloff described, but didn’t bring, Patton and his soldiers storm a courthouse that’s about to remove the Ten Commandments and start opening fire on the people trying to stop them. “You can’t shoot these people!” Malone says. “They’re not people!” says Patton. “They’re the ACLU!” At this point we see that the ACLU members are unkillable George Romero zombies.
Details about the movie were kept secret, on purpose, until this month. In February, it was reported that Kelsey Grammar would be Scrooge in the new movie. He’s actually playing the ghost of George Patton, and Jon Voight is playing George Washington. In a clip we saw, Washington takes Malone to St. Paul’s Cathedral to lecture him on freedom of religion and “freedom of speech, which you abuse.” Malone is grossed out by dust in the priest’s box, so the doors open onto the smoldering ruins of the World Trade Center. “This is the dust of 3000 innocent human beings!” bellows Washington. Malone whimpers that he’s just making movies. Washington won’t have it. “Is that what you plan to say on Judgment Day?”
This is going to be the Film Event of the Year, friends. Wingnut attempts at comedy are akin to when a creepy 11-year-old kid tries to put the moves on his best friend’s hot 18-year-old sister: it’s awkward and it’s embarrassing, but it will also provide everyone who watches with hours of unintentional laughs.
Who wants to book tickets with me?
[Via.]
Cast:
Bill O’Reilly as Himself
Nuff said.
“What about Red Dawn?”
“I think we’ve overplayed it. But WOLVERINES! am I right?”
“Team America: World Police?”
“It has enough assholishness, but unfortunately it’s still pretty funny. No, we need something that will not only appeal to our base, but actively piss off liberals. A movie that only a conservative ideologue could love.”
“Hm. I’ve got something. Is Kelsey Grammar doing anything these days?”
“Heh, what do you think?”
Now that, my friends, is humer. Precisely the sort of thing you end up in when you’ve blown yourself up one too many times.
Wha…? George Romero established the convention that you kill a zombie by shooting it in the head!
For “unkillable,” see Return of the Living Dead.
[/zombie flick pedantry]
Love to go but I’ll be removing my eyeballs with an icepick that night. Sorry. You have fun though.
This can’t be a real honest-to-FSM really real movie can it? Can it? They’re going to use Teh Big Skreen to encourage shooting members of the ACLU and justify it because ACLU members aren’t even human? Jesus fucking christ!
The right wing has truly gone absolutely batshit full speed ahead damn the torpedos get the whiners below decks insane, haven’t they?
Shorter Brad:
“Although I laughed my bum off at Zucker’s previous offerings, such as Airplane! and the Naked Gun movies, the fact that he suddenly converted to wingnutdom will make this one decidedly unfunny.”
Yeah sure, George Washington was all about foreign entanglements.
Errr, David Zucker developed “Police Squad” and did the Airplane movies. Assuming this is a legit film (and I have my doubts) it might actually be funny.
Why do I get the feeling that George S. Patton would NOT have been a big fan of George W. Bush? Is it just my chronic BDS kicking in?
Shorter answer to Goober-
Zucker’s two trick ponies (Airplane!,Naked Gun) are still real treats, but his respect for assholes really make his work suffer.
Imagine a member of the reality based community thinking this shite up. Couldn’t happen. Too many reality sensors booping and fact synapses firing.
Will they substitute the popcorn for Cheetos?
Patton and Washington? What, is Jesus too fucking busy for America now?
Airplane!, yeah. Naked Gun, not so much. But, otherwise, that sounds about right.
How civil of goober to say ‘bum’ instead of ‘ass’.
This offering will probably go straight to (Betamax) video.
You’re serious? This stuff is actually in the movie? It’s not some sort of absurdist Sadly, No! satire written by Brad, it’s actually all real? Jesus.
Prediction: Aside from endorsements from Debbie Shlussel and Mark Noonan it will bomb and bomb hard. After that the creators will whine about how their failure was all the fault of Liberals (somehow) and that Micheal Moore is fat and Obama is the real racist.
Here’s the imdb.com page.
The last Naked Gun movie was a looooong time ago.
This looks like Mallard FIllmore brought to the big screen.
According to the bio on Wiki, Zucker is merely 1/3 of the team that created the original Airplane and Naked Gun movies.
However, he takes full credit for the more-forgettable sequels, plus the completely-forgotten Scary Movies 3 and 4.
I am guessing he’s the lesser third. The third that wrote all the fart jokes.
Who wants to book tickets with me?
Can we set it up so it’s you, Gavin, and Aristophanes doing MST3K on it in real-time? Cuz I’d fly to Boston for something that funny.
There’s a simple reason why this will suck — the film is advocating a highly authoritarian viewpoint (uh, can freedom of speech really be “abused,” short of yelling “fire” in a crowded theatre?), and authoritarians are the least funny people in the damn world. It’s like trying to create a wacky slapstick comedy about Francisco Franco beating the shit out of people.
Fun Zucker fact – he is a self-described “9/11 Republican”.
Or, as they are known to the rest of the world, a “coward”.
Forget Patton and Washington; everyone knows Dickens was one of the first DFHs, what with his social contract and concern for living conditions. How are these idiots going to make Scrooge out to be a lefty?
People who go to court to uphold the Constitution are subhuman and should be shot. George Washington said so.
Bwaaahahahahahahahaha!!!
Brad, you could be making “retard” jokes….
Or photoshopping huge sammiches….
“There’s a simple reason why this will suck — the film is advocating a highly authoritarian viewpoint (uh, can freedom of speech really be “abused,” short of yelling “fire” in a crowded theatre?), and authoritarians are the least funny people in the damn world. It’s like trying to create a wacky slapstick comedy about Francisco Franco beating the shit out of people.”
It’s more basic than that: they’re mocking stereotypes. Every time Sean Hannity says “You liberals…” and Greg Gutfield does a “joke” about “liberals,” it’s DOA. It has to be. There’s no specificity in it. They’re just dog-whistling to the choir. And the people who “laugh” at it are just responding to a known stimulus with a known response.
Of course–if I may respond to myself; I contain multitudes–if its relationship to actual comedy is like their “reporting’s” relationship to real journalism, then they’ve already fulfilled their mission: it’s mere propaganda, like everything else they spew.
*And they don’t know the difference.* They never argue in good faith because they don’t know how to. The Republican Party has become a strain of Ebola that has killed off all reasonable conservative discourse, actual patriotism, true Christianity, etc.., etc. in their ranks. This is what remains.
I am absolutely 107% sure that Brent Bozo will write a column about this movie and how wholesome its humor is and how liberals are biased and can’t take the joke because they won’t go see it and how critics are biased when they say how unfunny it is.
Of course–if I may respond to myself; I contain multitudes–if its relationship to actual comedy is like their “reporting’s” relationship to real journalism, then they’ve already fulfilled their mission: it’s mere propaganda, like everything else they spew.
But it’s shitty propaganda.
The point of good propaganda is to win over undecideds or people on the other side.
This just makes everyone laugh at them.
I really do think that we should counter with a movie in which Jesus comes back and kicks some Republican ass.
Discovering the Zucker Bros. to be conservatives is akin to realizing that Joni Mitchell is not a sweet, doe-eyed bread-baking “canyon lady”.
just sayin’…..
Actually, the problem is:
a) Satire doesn’t work if you know nothing about the issues you’re trying to satirize;
b) The jokes they quote here are probably being quoted because they are the best jokes in the movie.
When you have to write a comedy, movie spoofs are safest because they require little knowledge of the real world.
Wait…so Patton was a closeted homosexual?
I wonder if it would be difficult to get a bunch of people in appropirate costume to stand outside the theater and convince passers-by that it is in fact a screening of The Rocky Horror Picture Show…
If it was possible to be even more contemptuous of David Zucker …
The imdb.com trivia section says he switched to the GOP in 2004.
Yeah. Wow. That shows brilliant judgment of Yglesian brilliantness!
I was extremely disappointed to discover that Julia Gorin was not involved with this project.
My favorite is the scene where the ghost of MLK Jr. is seen speaking at a McCain rally.
It’s only David Zucker., Tim. The other one’s still apparently a liberal. Anyway, yeah, this movie sounds worse every time I read more about it. I’d say more, but it would just come out like this: (&$#(W&@&@W %$(*W($#&(.
I’d rather lick Adam Yoshida’s sweaty asshole than see that movie. In fact, there’s a Time-Life series of things I’d rather lick than see “An American Carol”.
Wow. Kelsey Grammer has got really fat and old. It’s to S,N!‘s eternal credit that they have not ‘shopped a big sandwich into his hands.
a movie in which Jesus comes back and kicks some Republican ass.
Ultrachrist
Sounds like typical conservative humor. It’s just not funny unless it involves killing someone you don’t like.
No way. Endorsements from Debbie Shlussel and Mark Noonan are good for millions of ticket sales.
(Sarcasm mode off.) So far as I know, only one Zucker brother has declared himself to be a wingnut.
I had trouble believing this movie is real, but then I looked around and realized all those wacky humorists that worked on the Half Hour News Hour (or whatever that shitpile was called) had to have been busy doing something/anything since their first attempt was cancelled.
Maybe they’ll run it as a double bill with that “entertainment” movie of Charlie Gibson’s that I saw a trailer for at the last (and I do mean last, as in not going again) movie I saw in a theatre.
Not to mention strawmen being scolded by historical figures. Laff riot, that one.
From the imdb listing for An American Carol:
Kevin Farley as Michael Malone
Kelsey Grammer as General George S. Patton
Robert Davi as Aziz
Jon Voight as General George Washington
James Woods as MIchael’s Agent
Leslie Nielsen as Himself
Jillian Murray as Heather
Dennis Hopper as The Judge
Kevin Sorbo as George Mulrooney
Travis Schuldt as Josh
Trace Adkins as Himself/The Spirit of Christmas Future aka The Angel of Death
Bill O’Reilly as Himself
Not surprisingly, these are mostly has-been’s and never-were’s. Is Kelsey Grammer’s career so deep in the toilet that he is reduced to doing this?
So Brad, you need a date for this thing? Caveat: I will most certainly laugh my ass off, but only because I’ll be as high as *balls.*
Discovering the Zucker Bros. to be conservatives is akin to realizing that Joni Mitchell is not a sweet, doe-eyed bread-baking “canyon lady”.
I like the outspoken, cynical Joni better anyway.
I know he’s kind of a wingnut, but I hope Mike Nelson does the Rifftrax thing on this atrocity. He mocked “300” after all, why not this one? Then again, it might be hard to do the MST3K thing on a (in theory anyway) comedy.
Man, this flick is gonna bomb so hard you’ll be able to hear it on Mars. Just more grist for the Republican Cult of Victimization I guess.
Kevin Farley as Michael Malone
Kelsey Grammer as General George S. Patton
Robert Davi as Aziz
Jon Voight as General George Washington
James Woods as MIchael’s Agent
Leslie Nielsen as Himself
Jillian Murray as Heather
Dennis Hopper as The Judge
Kevin Sorbo as George Mulrooney
Travis Schuldt as Josh
Trace Adkins as Himself/The Spirit of Christmas Future aka The Angel of Death
Bill O’Reilly as Himself
Wow, all they need to do is find a part for Ron Silver and they’ll have the entire cast of a play I’ve been writing, called I Began Shitting Myself on 9/11 and I Haven’t Been Able to Stop Since
I do kind of doubt this will make it to the big screen. It will probably end up like that “expelled” piece of crap. Shown in about 3 theatres then straight to VHS.
Also, I have heard that the “fire in a crowded theatre” meme originally came from people who were in favour of restricting freedom of speech. I think it was during one of the world wars? Some people attempted to suggest that criticism of government policy during wartime was as irresponsible as the theatre scenario.
I don’t get all the anti-Zucker stuff. This film sound hilarious. Isn’t that the whole point of the post? Is Patton massacree-in’ ZCLU types because he’s been on a three-week bender of hookers and blow? It may in fact be funnier than Airplane! Who doesn’t want that.
This is the film history deserves. I can’t imagine a film that represents the contemporary Conservative ethos more precisely. From the looks of it, they should teach this film in high schools everywhere. It’s win-win: they shutup about the failings of public schools, and teenagers everywhere get a look at conservatism while they’re still at that impressionable age – you know teenagers, they eat the earnest messages of civil authority right up. Libertarianism is a gateway drug for kids that age. One look at this and they’ll be scared straight.
No, no, my friends – this film can only help the nation understand its choices better.
Know what The Daily Show is funny? Because Jon Stewart responds to actual clips.
Know why The Half Hour News Hour wasn’t funny? Because they prattled on and on about some made-up, distorted version of the ACLU.
Wow, all they need to do is find a part for Ron Silver …
What about Dennis Miller?
Wait! Shutup! Trace Adkins as the “Angel of Death”!!!!??? I will buy your tickets, but we have to see it in a theater that serves beer.
Add me to the chorus of one who cannot believe Julia Gorin wasn’t tapped to play the role of some liberal lady eating granola through her abortion.
Also, I have heard that the “fire in a crowded theatre” meme originally came from people who were in favour of restricting freedom of speech. I think it was during one of the world wars? Some people attempted to suggest that criticism of government policy during wartime was as irresponsible as the theatre scenario.
Yes, that’s correct and can’t be mentioned often enough.
Leslie Nielsen as Himself
Does he have that kind of range?
Shit, wait. The google tells me I was thinking of Haze Adkins. How awesome would that be. I ask you.
I’ll be as high as *balls.*
For some of us, that’s not very high…
Will Trace Adkins sing Honky Tonk Badonkadonk in his Angel of Death gear? I’d at least consider a rental if that was in the movie.
Speaking of not-funny in actuality, but very funny in a way, conservative tropes, Yahoo’s running a headline right now that Al-Qaida’s #3 has been reportedly killed. It’s like living in a loop for 7 years.
Do you think this is just an inside joke that the CIA is throwing out there to see if anyone’s paying attention?
Or do you think that in some mountain camp in Pakistan #1 is saying to some shaking, quaking pawn, “#4, judging by our org chart and the recent…unpleasantness…”
I trust Zucker will include his trademark blow-up dolls. I can see parts for Stalkin’ Malkin, Ann “Blow Me” Coulter, Pammy the Shrill and K-Lo.
Barf.
This sounds just beyond aweful — we get to watch the right-wing rewrite of American history on the big screen…. as I recall Washington opposed the idea of the US even having a standing army, so I doubt he’d be a big supporter of Patton…
If their going to bring back rightwing ghosts of the past they’d be better starting off with John C Calhoon and pairing him with Douglas MacArthur, and maybe Joseph McCarthy…. That would be a cast of historical characters worth seeing!
Let’s not overlook the triumphant return of Fred Travalena as Jimmy Carter.
What’s not to love?
-GSD
It must be fun to work on a movie that has a built-in excuse for failure – “those horrible Hollywood liberals forced everyone not to go see it!”
Maybe they’re going to pull it off where Max Bialystock failed.
Wait, did you say “tumor” or “humor?”
The greatest movie EVAR!
Oh, and Kelseyt Grammer as Patton? Not exactly George C. Scott, is he?
What about Dennis Miller?
Crap, you’re right. He has to be in there.
Can we set it up so it’s you, Gavin, and Aristophanes doing MST3K on it in real-time? Cuz I’d fly to Boston for something that funny.
Oh hell yes. I’d so be there for that. Popcorn’s on me!
Well let’s see how well a film about shooting ACLU members goes over after the hideous shooting at a Unitarian Church and the shooting at The Arkansans Democratic Headquarters.
This sounds like a gigantic embarrassing flop waiting to happen, and not just in failure-to-be-funny, but incredibly tone deaf on its own content and the issues of the day. It doesn’t sound like a parody, as parody has grounding in what it’s parodying and at times even has affection for it (such as The Venture Brothers, which veers into homage). In this case it sounds like it just takes what some people THINK of the world and jacks it up to 11. It’s not parody – it’s validation of a worldview disguised as comedy.
And that’s just not a good source of FUNNY.
This will be about as attractive as a movie demonstrating how cool the Federalists really were.
You know, pro-trade, indifference to human and civil rights, soft on monarchism, anti-immigrant, devotion to intellectually dishonest principle of ‘federalism’ where you get to claim ‘states rights’ just for those issues that are convenient…
Oh. Wait.
While I am on the subject, any chance to move the RNC convention to Hartford?
Had this shooting happened a few months later, I’d fully expect to find a DVD of this in the suspect’s house.
As it is, I’m looking forward to them finding the Ann Coulter books with stuck-together pages.
How, HOW do conservatives continue to come up with shit more absurd than what I’ve seen with the aid of powerful hallucinogens? I mean the ACLU is really zombies and ghosts are firing at them? WTF?
…Return of the Living Dead…
“Send more paramedics.”
“Not people … brains!”
So many great quotes in that film.
As for American Carol, I imagine it will be pretty much the opposite of Return of the Living Dead. My only hope is that Voight uses the same accent he had in Anaconda.
Kevin Sorbo as George Mulrooney
So sad to see what Hercules has been reduced to.
I wonder if we’re seeing the birth of a new branch of popular culture along the lines of the Christian stuff – i.e., Christian rock, the “Left Behind” novels, etc. The fundies have set up their own parallel culture with schools and everything, and the nuttier parts of the Right were starting to do so in the 1990s with the militia movement. I’m curious to see if political conservatives could pull it off – the fundies at least have a tradition they can point to, whether or not their modern ideology has anything to do with it.
And I thought I was humiliated by The Day After Tomorrow
I welcome any movie with so great a chance of destroying what’s left of the careers of Kelsy Grammer and Jon Voight.
Starring Dennis Miller as the Washington’s horse’s ass.
So sad to see what Hercules has been reduced to.
“The mighty Hercules!”
“Stop saying ‘the mighty Hercules.'”
Picture caption: “don’t ask, don’t tell… a forbidden love beyond time”
…optional “the” free of charge…
Maybe they’ll matinee it with some slide shows of Abu Garib and Gitmo. That’ll boost ticket sales. I bet if they sneak in a snuff film to show in between, it could break even.
Christ, if conservatives want to make a really funny movie, all they have to do is commission Confederate Yankee, Pastor Swank and/or Mary Grabar to write a serious screenplay.
Could you imagine what Christopher Guest could do with a Mary Grabar screenplay? I tear up just thinking about it.
I think Takashi Miike would be the perfect director for a Pastor Swank script. Or maybe David Lynch…
“Also, I have heard that the “fire in a crowded theatre” meme originally came from people who were in favour of restricting freedom of speech. I think it was during one of the world wars? Some people attempted to suggest that criticism of government policy during wartime was as irresponsible as the theatre scenario.”
Actually, it comes from the Supreme Court (8 to 1) decision written by Oliver Wendall Homes. U.S. v. Schenk, 1920. Schenk was sentenced to 20 years for the crime of sedition. What did Schenk do? He peacefully handed out anti-war fliers (WWI) outside an army recruitment office. Eugene Debbs was also sentenced under the same law for giving a speech that was anti-war and perhaps more importantly anti-racist. Who would have thought that giving a speech is not protected under the free speech clause of the first amendment? Their sentences were upheld because there are limits to free speech. After all, “you can’t yell fire in a crowded theater.”
Case was overturned in 1948 when the free speech of Nazis were at issue.
We in the heartland will attend in vast numbers to see this great film exposing the LIE-brul communistIslamofacisticneonazimonarchistevilleftistwithsixyougeteggrollsanarchistgay conspiracy.
The truth is I, like all Conservatives, have the aesthetic sense of a retarded duck and the intelligence of a kumquat.
This is central to my point.
When I see the picture I keep thinking that instead of remaking A Christmas Carol they should of remade a Crosby-Hope road picture.
Leslie Nielsen as Himself
I guess Chuck Norris was busy.
Washington, as a deist, believed in neither miracles nor prophesy, so how is he supposed to have anticipated Judgment Day?
Fucking morons don’t even know what country they’re in.
.
Why did they show George Washington as having that hippie long hair?
I was severely disappointed I was not cast in this film. I have a great Vegas act that I’m sure would increase attendance.
You see there’s this goat …
Some links for those who are interested. Schenck is the correct spelling. http://www.law.umkc.edu/faculty/projects/ftrials/conlaw/debs.html
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schenck_v._United_States
Oh, you mean the George Washington that set the policy that prisoners of war would receive humane treatment, even though the British routinely abused American prisoners.
What a faggot.
No – wait. I mean, boy, if Washington only knew our national survival was at stake in in the great war on terror… he would be ready to shoot some hippies, hell yeah!
Wait.
He’s abusing free speech by making political movies.
He’s abusing free speech by making political movies.
Go ahead and thing about about that for a few minutes.
You’ll see.
This one will be a rental for me.
They couldn’t find a part for Ben Stein?
Maybe he just didn’t want to be in two politically motivated film flops in the same year…
Wait… doing what? Using fantasy powers to slap liberals or groping women?
Jon Voight and Kelsey Grammer?! I thought that was Robin Williams and Don Rickles.
Come on, this could be the most hilarious piece of wingnut propaganda since Red Scorpion
For those lucky enough not to have heard of it, it was allegedly funded by the apartheid-era South African government as anti- ANC propaganda and written by Jack Abramoff.
Yes, that Jack Abramoff.
Sample dialogue –
Brave Anti-Commie freedom fighter – Are you out of your mind?
Dolph Lundgren – No, just out of bullets.
Wingnut genius – a tale of a genocidal commie madman who sees the light of freedom and puts his chop-socky skills to good use in the service of good. Good, in this case, being a thinly-veiled version of psycho-warlord Jonas Savimbi.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Red_Scorpion
Oh, and can we discuss the title?
“An American Carol”. See, because this has three ghosts in it, like A Christmas Carol.
Except that “a Christmas carol” is a known phrase. A “carol” is a song–not necessarily religious, but customarily so–tied mainly to Christmas, but also Advent and Easter.
NOT to the 4th of July. NOT to a political holiday for which carols are not customarily sung.
The tone deafness of these people is an amazing thing. Every time you think you’ve heard everything, they come out with something new: a new way to be wrong, to be clumsy, to be hypocritical, to be inept. They keep growing new feet to stick in their current, or new, mouths. It’s a phenomenon, is what it is.
Unless this movie is about Carol Alt, Carol King, or even Carol Channing.
This is the flier that got Schenck convicted of falsely yelling fire in a crowded theater. http://1stam.umn.edu/archive/primary/schenck.pdf The next time you hear someone quoting that stupid expression, do me a favor, kick them in the balls for me.
Oh, Carol, don’t let him steal your heart away
I’m gonna learn to dance if it takes me all night and day
See, I thought it was about Carol, friend of Dorothy.
With the costumes and the loving embraces and all.
My favorite part of the casting:
Trace Adkins as Himself/The Spirit of Christmas Future aka The Angel of Death
In the future, the Angel of Death only comes on Christmas? Huh?
And, as other commenters have noted, this is not going to be green-lighted until and unless the find parts for Dennis Miller and Ben Stein.
Really depressing thought from the IMDB bio of Kelsey Grammer:
Has entertained the notion that he might involve himself in politics, and discussed running for political office during an interview on the Sean Hannity Radio Show (2005).
I guess that’s one definition of “entertainment”.
In the same way that Mallard Fillmore is the conservative answer to Doonesbury, Kelsey Grammer is the conservative answer to George Patton.
(Ouch! That was really mean … to somebody.
Oh, and Kelseyt Grammer as Patton? Not exactly George C. Scott, is he?
He wouldn’t even bring the gravitas of Cliff Arquette.
“What about Red Dawn?”
Errrrr, don’t look now…
“Red Dawn” Remake Finds Writer And Director
I’m sorry, it’s just not going to have the same impact if Shia LeBoeuf screams “BEEEEEEEEEAVERSSSSSSSSSSSS!”
The saddest, most pathetic thing about this movie is its basic premise: that a Michael Moore doppelganger is brought over to the Dork Side, one presumes to make movies that are just like Sicko and Fahrenheit 9/11, only, you know, neoconnish. A burnt-out comedy team fragment wants an Oscar winner to join the team. I’m still thinking that this might be some sort of meta-satire and the real (and truly funny) movie will be the making-of mockumentary.
Kelsey Grammer as Gen. Patton ordering troops to shoot the ACLU (portraying said Gen. Patton as a fascist)? Wow. When I saw Grammer in uniform I immediately remembered him in “The Pentagon Wars” in which he was also an asshole in an Army general’s uniform only he was the undisputed villain of that film.
Become a coke addict, roll a few cars and play ONE part in two TV series over a 20-year span and you, too, can star in a new genre of film, American Revisionist Comedy (neo-con division).
David Zucker should be sentenced to Remedial Film School where he’d have to show competence in plot and humor before he’d be allowed near a movie set again. He could sit next to M. Night Shyamalan (who may not be a wingnut but, c’mon, “The Village”? “Lady in the Water”? “The Happening”? And “Signs”?–what alien race deathly allergic to water visits Earth for a second time?)
[/Shyamalan rant]
He could sit next to M. Night Shyamalan…
I think Shyamalan is getting pretty much what he deserves from “Robot Chicken”. For those who haven’t seen it, it’s an animated show using toys and action figures, and often when something unexpected happens they have a M. Night puppet stick its head in and chirp “What a twist!”
Off topic but look who still hasn’t figured out that he’s a fat ass failure:
Mrt. Wonderful, good point re the bungled title. It reminds me of “Fredomnomics”, the attempted Libertarian answer to “Freakonomics”.
“Freakonomics” had a clever cover design that showed an apple sliced open to reveal the insides of an orange http://freakonomics.blogs.nytimes.com/ . “Freedomnomics” showed an apple sliced open to reveal . . . AMERICAN FLAGS! http://timaki.wordpress.com/2008/02/06/book-review-freedomnomics/
Yes, a cover image exactly as thuddingly unimpressive as the title.
And, as other commenters have noted, this is not going to be green-lighted
Green-lighted hell; according to the IMDB it’s finished production and will be released October 3.
Raspberries!!! Raaaaaaaaaaaaspberries!!!!
I think I should’ve put a comma before “hell” in that previous sentence. Pfui.
Heh, Kelsey Grammer will manage to make Patton look effete… that’ll probably get older wingnuts’ grampers all bunched up!
They’ll put it in a double bill with “Expelled” so they can up the fail quotient.
What the hell is a “9/11 Republican”, anyway? Somebody who was wimpy about blowing up abortion clinics before 9/11, but figured Islamofascism was a dandy excuse to come out of the closet about how much they hate liberal queers?
It may have a green-lighted hell, Brandi, in the scene that shows what happened to the suicide bombers and Paul Wellstone.
It reminds me of “Fredomnomics”, the attempted Libertarian answer to “Freakonomics”.
Dude! I loved “Fredonomics”! It’s like “Freakonomics”, but it only considers the statistical impact of people named “Fred”.
Kind of an economic “Project Steve”.
former top strategist Mark Penn … specifically pointed to the McCain campaign’s recent ad featuring Paris Hilton and Britney Spears as an example of an effective television spot.
Tells you everything, dunnit?
Fredonomics is where you screw everything up so bad, an Italian guy goes out fishing with you, and shoots you in the back of the head when you’re in the middle of the lake, right?
For everyone (like me) who wonder what happened to David Zucker, here’s everything that’s come out since he released The Naked Gun 2 1/2, which was mediocre at best:
Not exactly Airplane!, is it?
Heh, Kelsey Grammer will manage to make Patton look effete… that’ll probably get older wingnuts’ grampers all bunched up!
HAW haw! No doubt. “Patton” was my late grandmother’s favorite movie. It was from her, a Kansan, that I, a Tennessean, first heard the “n” word.
These people — they know not what they do. Sweet!
Oh, and can we discuss the title? “An American Carol”. See, because this has three ghosts in it, like A Christmas Carol.
They shoulda followed Bill Murray’s lead and instead of “Scrooged” titled it “Spooged.”
Scary Movie 4 (2006)
… aka Scary Movie 4.
Excellent.
The Onion Movie wasn’t half-bad. I’ll give him that.
Fixed.
I think we should have viewing parties. Let’s all buy tickets for a premiere showing – coordinated, of course – and go. We can put in some commentary: when Washington asks “Is that what you’ll say on judgment day” we can all yell “We’ll say FUCK OFF”, or maybe “I’ll be back” or something… imagine, if they actually sell tickets, they’ll proceed to sink their money into more crap – which will tank. Buying tickets is like inverse hustling.
“Make the most of the Indian hemp seed, and sow it everywhere!”
– George “It’s 4:20 Somewhere” Washington.
I told the priest, Don’t count on any second coming, God got his ass kicked the first time he came down here slumming.
Also, would you rather be al-Qaida’s Number Three, or Chicago City Comptroller?
Also, would you rather be al-Qaida’s Number Three, or Chicago City Comptroller?
That’s a tough one right there. I guess it comes down to the question if you’d rather be killed suddenly by a missile, or thrown out a high-rise building twice by henchmen of Clinton and Obama.
The wingnuts are peeing themselves already.
Oh my.
Elsewhere we learn that the film, which contains a scene featuring Barack Obama as a slave (this illustrates the importance of us having fought the Civil War, you see, even though a large portion of its intended audience would undoubtedly have supported the Confederacy) is scheduled for release on October 3.
Would someone please wake me up on November 5? kthxbai.
OK, this was funny:
“If this does well, it’ll change everything,” says Grammer.
“I think it would be pompous to say that,” says Voight.
Suggesting that Kelsey Grammer is being pompous? Brilliant.
Anyway, should be fun.
David Zucker will be able to tell his kids that he accused his ideological opponents of being traitors who hate America and want the terrorists to win.
Yup. That’ll impress them.
With any luck, his kids will be able to participate in the occupation of Iran or Syria or France.
What a tool.
I think I detect a slight hint of desperation.
Yup. That’ll impress them.
Heh. I suspect “the war of ideas at home” will go from being a chickenhawk’s way of saying they were involved in the war to a way of saying they weren’t involved in the war, once the war becomes unpopular enough.
A “slight hint” of desperation? No, the desperation is clearly at the forefront, with a flutter of self-aggrandizement and a touch of willful self-delusion. And behind that … is it? Yes, just the merest soupçon of poo.
Yes. This no doubt appears to be the movie that will once and for all “change everything.”
Bring it ON, bitchessess!!!
The real deal is, a zany screwball take on liberal agenda movies is long overdue. But really, it needs Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer and some more Austin Powers references. Sure, it might seem “tacky” and “dumb” to you Proust-reading elitist Truffaut-lovers (did anyone ever make a movie that lived up to its title less?), but it’s what Real Americans like. Face it, arugula-munchers, your “fresh produce” and “thought-provoking meditations on human nature” and “safe workplaces” are the past. You’re dinosaurs. The rest of us aren’t Frenchifying ourselves with your expensive Spanish ham and fancy bottled wine. We’re eating real heartland food, which is made from corn, sweetened with corn syrup, and deep-fried in corn oil, and guess what? It’s as American as McDonald’s apple pie, and since it takes the skin right off your palate you don’t care about trying to notice a “flutter of asparagus” in your Coors.
And we like our movies to be just as corny. Oh, sure, the self-appointed “critics” don’t like it. Richard Roeper says that the Airplane! genre died a couple of Scary Movies ago. Big deal. Who died and made him Gene Siskel? The real deal is, we’re a crass and unoriginal people and we want crass and unoriginal movies.
So laugh it up, but it’s David Zucker who will have the last laugh — all the way to the bank, with a big bag of money that he got from the box office.
No results found for “who died and made him gene siskel?”.
I salute you.
Antoine escapes and looks at the ocean. There. I just saved you two long, blow-less hours.
Bubba, you didn’t search for “who died and made YOU Gene Siskel?”, which would return a few hits. But it was original as far as I knew at the time. Dangdest thing about the internet is that pretty much anything clever, someone has already said it.
Dangdest thing about the internet is that pretty much anything clever, someone has already said it.
The punning threads here are actually pretty good to test for uniqueness. Victibitionist needs more play!
http://www.sadlyno.com/archives/9775.html
FYWP.
It’s now official: Dennis Hopper is no longer cool.
From the same geyser of genius that brought the world the likes of “HALF HOUR NEWS HOUR” … yep, this is a surefire turd, alright. Why don’t they just embrace their total lack of anything resembling a sense of humor? It almost got Hitler the entire continent of Europe! Attila The Hun pwned China PLUS a lot of Russia! Please, for the children – won’t someone Stop The Ugliness?
I can see why they keep right on trying, though – they’re unable to distinguish between laughing WITH & laughing AT, & thus their opinions of themselves as the reincarnation of Groucho Marx will never ever be swayed.
Meanwhile, somewhere, the ghost of Dickens is blowing chunks … to say nothing of the ghosts of Patton & Washington. Shit, they may as well have put in the ghost of Eugene Debs saying “NOW I see the error of my ways! Oh, if only we’d had a REAL American like YOU back in the 1920s to set us straight, Mr. O’Reilly!” & swooning. Proof positive that the GOP is indeed winning the War On Drugs – by scarfing them down en masse before they can get to market.
Time to back away from those big fat rails, Kelsey: you just got called pompous – by JON VOIGT.
Ouch!
That’s like Devine telling you you need to lose a few pounds.
The reason why lie-berals are good at comedy is the same reason Asians are good at math — cause G_d felt bad about giving you guys such ridiculously small penises.
This is the most excited I’ve been since I heard about the new Thomas Friedman’s Taxicab Confessions TV series they’re working on. I don’t know if it can match the insightful humor of some of Zucker’s other movies, but how could it not be a hilarious ride no matter what? It sounds kind of like Bill (Clinton) and Ted’s (Kennedy) Excellent Adventure, except making fun of hippies instead of glorifying them and their truancy, cheating, dope smoking, air guitar, lies, blasphemy, etc.
Given Zucker’s extreme commitment to the project, I’m sure it’ll be historically accurate. Surely any project that somebody would stake their entire career on, that depicts beloved and well-known historical figures, and that the lie-beral fact-nazis (*) are just itching to rip apart is going to have it’s i’s dotted and it’s t’s crossed, history-wise, and what’s better than a movie that teaches and entertains?
(*) did you ever notice that “facts” and “facism” both start out the same way? Makes you think.
Man, Patton: every fascist’s favorite American general. Even Stonewall Jackson was basically conversant with fundamental American values and was by all evidence personally decent; Patton slapped shell-shocked GIs, was already raring up to defend the good Nazis against Judeo-Bolshevism as 1945 began, and if it hadn’t been for his death almost certainly would have doubled the bloody price of mankind’s worst tragedy.
I mean, they love MacArthur, too – but MacArthur’s unhinged bellicose insanity at least aimed to defend an American ally and defeat an American enemy. He made a really terrible call and America’s then-powerful civilian control of the army prevented a nuclear war; Patton pretty fully planned to intervene against the strongest American ally to defend the most evil regime in human history from their probing untermensch depredations.
The hilarious part – by which I mean the heartbreakingly stupid part – is that all of what they know they picked up from Patton, which they still refuse to acknowledge is making fun of them.
Of course, one suspects they might not be wholly ignorant: invoking the ghost of Eisenhower to bless defiance of the Supreme Court and the slaughter of political activists would probably result in being pistolwhipped to death by a bald spectre.
Also: what’s the odds on them doing a joke about Al Gore being wooden and sweaty? Or John Kerry being French.
The wingnuts don’t have an ideology – they don’t even have a vintage. I half-expect them to call Thomas Jefferson a homo.
I’ve got my hands on the last few lines of the script:
{SCENE: Osama bin Laden, wearing lipstick, is being protected by the traitor MICH-FAGGOT MOOR, having interrupted the efforts of the especially burly GEO. “OLD HICKORY” PATTON and GEO. “TWO-FISTED” WASHINGTON to extract the location of the nuclear weapon buried under the Mall of America.}
MICH-FAGGOT MOOR: I refuuuuse to let you torture our enemieth – because I’m a cowaaaard.
GEO. “TWO-FISTED” WASHINGTON: But if you don’t, it’ll be like 9/11 all over again – only this time, it’s personal!
MICH-FAGGOT MOOR: How kitschy – like all Hollywood liberalth, as a thecret Black Muthlim, I have the Conthtituthion and the Thupreme Court under my treathonouth thumb!!
{MOOR and his PURSE CHIHUAHUA share a titter at the politically incorrect patriotism of these two American heroes. GEORGE “OLD HICKORY” PATTON produces a pair of skateboards with high-quality flag and eagle decals, each captioned “THESE COLORS DON’T RUN”.}
GEORGE “OLD HICKORY” PATTON: Let’s show this Dhimmicrap what we think of his Constitushit!
{MOOR shrieks like a woman while WASHINGTON and PATTON do ollies on a large pink scroll embossed with slang terms for obscene sexual practice in blackletter.}
GEORGE “OLD HICKORY” PATTON: I cannot tell a lie – America is radical!!
GEO. “TWO-FISTED” WASHINGTON: One extreme country, under an awesome Jesus!
{Roll credits over Adlai Stephenson prancing around in a pretty dress for Stalin in Hell; get DVDA to do a theme song about Jesse Jackson spitting on Vietnam vets, finish with something by Lee Greenwood – make sure it’s nothing faggy like God Bless The USA.}
Heh, Kelsey Grammer will manage to make Patton look effete… that’ll probably get older wingnuts’ grampers all bunched up!
Patton actually had a rather high, squeaky voice, which was why he tended to use so much profanity to overcompensate. He didn’t sound anything like George C. Scott.
I’m still holding out for the Day by Day late night HBO special.
I’m sorry but they look like two old queens going to a Halloween party.
Note that it is always perfectly acceptable to yell “Fire” in a crowded theater if, in fact, the theater is on fire.
The Nascar McHeartland followed me home; can we keep it?
Maybe they can re-do Animal House where the douchebags from Omega House are the heroes. And Greg Marmalard still can’t get it up, but that’s ’cause of Jesus. Or something.
GokartMotzart, thanks for the link and the history on the fire in a theatre thing. I will gladly kick someone in the balls if they try to misuse that phrase in front of me; thanks for the permission/knowledge!
I, for one can’t wait for the “American Carol” dvd release. The endless hilarity that will be had by re-dubbing Robert Davi’s terrorist leader with his lines from “Showgirls.”
General Patton: “We have you now Aziz. Prepare to meet the forces of American righteousness”
Robert Davi as Aziz: “It must be weird, not having anybody cum on you.”
Teh Awesome, indeed.
Goat:
Is that an actual line from Showgirls? Did you memorize it?
I can take one of four pledges, such as “Yes, I will send the trailer to my contacts”…
I’ve never been to a pre-screening of anything. Is this loyalty-oath approach to publicity common?
“Is that an actual line from Showgirls? Did you memorize it?”
Yes it is, and I checked IMDB to refresh my memory on the actual quote.
The rest of us aren’t Frenchifying ourselves with your expensive Spanish ham and fancy bottled wine.
That’s right, we should be eating Jimmy Dean’s sausage and drinking box-o-wine like Ann Althouse.
Sad(ly) to say, I think making fun of this movie will play into the hands of the wingnuts. Think about it, if the wingnut followers already know that they are going to be made fun of for their beliefs and yet still have them (as in the religious). They clamp down and believe it all the more.
I don’t want to be a concern troll, because personally I would love to see a MST3K version of this. But I just wanted to make the point that it wasn’t going to change anyone’s mind.
The thing that really puts this movie over the top for me is Bill O’Reilly as himself. It’s one thing to attack liberals but to present O’Reilly as some sort of admirable patriotic figure? Even conservatives should be able to acknowledge that he’s a total asshole.
Gawd, does this look depressing. And creepy.
Bill O’Reilly may be an asshole, but he’s our asshole. And like most people, even gay French intellectual commie Jean freakin’ Genet, we are in love with the smell of our own farts. So there you are.
I’d like to point out that David Zucker also did The Kentucky Fried Movie and Top Secret. I don’t think anything will ever tarnish my opinion of him after those.
Though this film might come close.
Ok, so I’m really late to the party, BUT
‘What did you do in the war Daddy?’
I wonder what Kelsey Grammer’s character, General George S. Patton, would say about that?
There’s one great thing you men can say when it’s all over and you’re home once more. You can thank God that twenty years from now, when you’re sitting around the fireside with your grandson on your knee and he asks you what you did in the war, you won’t have to shift him to the other knee, cough, and say, “I shoveled shit in Louisiana.”
Uhm–oh.
How about *this* Carol as an alternative?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carol_for_Another_Christmas
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0057916/
Well, the GOP certainly knows teh funny!