Shorter Michael Totten
Posted on August 5th, 2008 by HTML Mencken
Above: Smug thug stomps on Orwell’s face,
Iraqi self-determination — forEVAR!.
- When normal people hear the word “peacekeepers,” they probably think of a neutral, materially disinterested, supernational entity’s police force whose aims are humanitarian — which is why I, a neocon douchebag who takes pleasure in misleading people, corrupting language, and furthering our great Imperial project, think it’s an awesome new label for our Army which occupies Iraq for the purposes of thwarting its people’s goal of full sovereignty.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
can some one remind me again how we ‘win’ an occupation?
It has to be right!
Or they were wrong.
If they are forced to confront that, they’ll behave like those computers Captain Kirk was always confusing with Zen riddles.
Which would be great.
As far as this relates to Iraq & Afghanistan, the definition has changed so many times… there’s like a smorgasbord of ways to ‘win’.
Theoretically, most people seem to agree that the US would ‘win’ if Iraq became a 1. idependent state 2. that was democratic 3. and relatively pro-US. In reality, I don’t think we’re gonna get that, or even a reasonable imitation. But then, I’m not convinced that the Neocons have ever really wanted these things, as opposed to just wanting to create chaos so they can militarize society.
Shouldn’t they be called “PeaceMakers”?
can some one remind me again how we ‘win’ an occupation?
But, it’s not an occupation. It’s still a war. It’s not as much of a war as it was. It’s a peacekeeping operation now. Kind of a war-lite. Not an occupation. No one mention the occupation. Certainly not Totten.
…believe the 1999 war would resume post haste…
Is that you, Mr. Burns? No blood for petroleum distallate!
In that picture, Totten’s right eye signifies strength and power of the kind the United States displays around the world. His left eye says let’s have some drinks back at my place.
Didn’t you guys get the memo? The Surge worked. Iraq is just like any other American city. Violence? I dare you to walk alone in the South Bronx at 2 am.
The end.
You forgot: “Provided I get to stay at home, far from any threat of being shot, blown up, or otherwise harmed.”
Adding: 4) and invited the US to build multiple bases and establish a military presence until such a time as one is no longer needed.
It’s neocon-democracy! (New and improved! Now with 100% less Democracy! Order yours today.)
‘When normal people hear the word “peacekeepers,”…’ They should think of Farscape.
Some places in Iraq were so horrifically violent that nothing resembling a normal life was even possible until someone stepped in to provide basic security. Al Qaeda in Iraq and Moqtada al Sadr’s Mahdi Army militia weren’t going to do it. They were the groups that threatened Iraqi security.
All of this being after the ill-begotten invasion began, of course.
Shorter HTML Mencken:
“Even though I would soil my britches if I ever went to the combat-laden places Totten has been to, and eve though he has written a well-balanced and cautious article about Iraq, the fact that he’s a filthy neocon wingnut (even though he voted Democrat in 2006) like, TOTALLY puts his article in a, like, completely pernicious light.”
“Peacekeepers therefore rarely appear in the media except when they’ve botched it, as they chronically did in Bosnia, for example.”
Yep, fucking BRILLIANT analysis Goober.
Well, usually you reserve the last paragraph of a piece of writing to emphasize your point rather than clearly refuting it:
Yes, quite boring, it’s like all the bombing has stopped and nobody’s shooting at anyone anymore – except, the opposite of that.
As a Liberal Democrat, I often wonder why Liberals cannot embrace the principles and ideal of real Democrats like Joe Lieberman, Zell Miller, and Roger Simon. They are the bulwark against Islamofacism.
And Michael Moore is fat.
Longer owlbear1:
“Even though the anecdotal evidence would suggest that peacekeepers are not widely covered in the media unless something bad happens (like rape in the Congo) I have to refute goober cuz he, like, totally dissed my hero in his previous “shorter” statement.”
Hey, works for me. (counts stacks of money)
Is it just me, or does the imagine look a bit like Richard Dean Anderson (with a beard), aka. MacGyver, aka. Colonel O’Neill?
Can someone photoshop him with MacGyver hair and stargate in the background?
Totten voted Democrat in 2006! OK, all that prowar cheerleading is forgiven. Next goober will explain why Fred Hiatt, Michael O’Hanlon, and Thomas Friedman are actually OK, too (hint: it has to do with that 2006 election, not the warmongering).
goober,
Just to be sure. Are you actually claiming that Totten has written a a well-balanced and cautious article about Iraq? I just want to know if I should be laughing at or with you.
Goober, who is the one doing the tongue-jacking?
I would soil my britches if I ever went to the combat-laden places Totten has been to
You don’t have the nuts to go to Iraq. They voted for Democrats in 2006! You think everyone’s a wingnut. You don’t have the nuts to go to Iraq. They voted for Democrats in 2006! You think everyone’s a wingnut. You don’t have the nuts to go to Iraq. They voted for Democrats in 2006! You think everyone’s a wingnut. You don’t have the nuts to go to Iraq. They voted for Democrats in 2006! You think everyone’s a wingnut. You don’t have the nuts to go to Iraq. They voted for Democrats in 2006! You think everyone’s a wingnut. You don’t have the nuts to go to Iraq. They voted for Democrats in 2006! You think everyone’s a wingnut. You don’t have the nuts to go to Iraq. They voted for Democrats in 2006! You think everyone’s a wingnut. You don’t have the nuts to go to Iraq. They voted for Democrats in 2006! You think everyone’s a wingnut. You don’t have the nuts to go to Iraq. They voted for Democrats in 2006! You think everyone’s a wingnut. You don’t have the nuts to go to Iraq. They voted for Democrats in 2006! You think everyone’s a wingnut. You don’t have the nuts to go to Iraq. They voted for Democrats in 2006! You think everyone’s a wingnut. You don’t have the nuts to go to Iraq. They voted for Democrats in 2006! You think everyone’s a wingnut. You don’t have the nuts to go to Iraq. They voted for Democrats in 2006! You think everyone’s a wingnut. You don’t have the nuts to go to Iraq. They voted for Democrats in 2006! You think everyone’s a wingnut. You don’t have the nuts to go to Iraq. They voted for Democrats in 2006! You think everyone’s a wingnut.
the fact that he’s a filthy neocon wingnut (even though he voted Democrat in 2006) like, TOTALLY puts his article in a, like, completely pernicious light.”
Shorter Goober
Cities destroyed? A million dead civilians? An entire region of the world destabilized? My own country reviled and hated? A mountain of debt? Torture and secret prisons become routine? A regimen of spying against American citizens?
But Michael Totten is so civil and HTML Mencken is so rude!
As far as I can see, the entire reason for the war was for George Bush to convince the world he has a really big dick, and make everyone take him seriously as some kind of world power to be feared.
So the war was lost years ago. Americas reputation is in the toilet.. Bushes reputation is currently clogging the U bend.. and Americas economic power is “surging” all over the bathroom floor.
America now has less influence in the middle east than it has ever had post ww2. It has fewer allies than.. Well, it has EVER had. Something is wrong when a country like the USA can only look to Poland for an approval rating over 50%.
It has reached the point where telling pissant countries like Iran and North korea to stop playing with nukes has their leaders saying “Oh yeah? You and whose army?” and rolling around on the floor with laughter.
On top of that, Arab oil merchants are saying to the US “Come back when you have some Euros ya bum!”
No matter how you fuck with definitions.. America lost the Iraq war. When you don’t achieve what you set out to do? That makes you a loooooooooser.
Anon., at $122,820 per minute somebody is calling Iraq a success.
Anon., at $122,820 per minute somebody is calling Iraq a success.
We call them Halliburton shareholders.
To be honest, the real winners are the Chinese, and anyone else holding massive amounts of US debt. All of that money paid to Halliburton was borrowed. The lenders don’t care what the money gets spent on, as long as they borrow money, spend it, and have to borrow more.
When the air in Beijing becomes so toxic it can no longer support human life, the Chinese are going to build New Beijing where Washington DC used to stand, and re-institute slavery in the south (for white people too this time!) and force them to make cheap plastic toys to be shipped to China.
How do we win an occupation?
1) The White House will schedule a press conference in some martial setting tastefully decorated with phallic weaponry.
2) George Bush will arrive in a manly, potent military vehicle to great fanfare.
3) When he dismounts said vehicle, a great orgasmic gasp will rise from the assembled press, for he will appear totally naked.
4) The press will be hypnotized and amazed by the amazing hypnotic package they’ve dreamed of for all these long years.
5) George Bush will declare a great victory.
6) And lo, it shall be a great victory!
You raaaang?
If killing you is wrong, I don’t wanna be right…
Look at this. If I told you it was written two years ago, or four, would you have reason to doubt it?
It’s like a mad lib, almost. You just plug in the current year and whichever program is currently stabilizing Iraq and presto, you have a brilliant piece of analysis!
I still can’t get over how the war boosters just keep re-running the same piece over and over and over again, as though we’re just supposed to forget that we’ve been on the cusp of victory for literally the entire length of the war.
When I hear the word, I think of the MX missile, dubbed “The Peacekeeper” by the satirical guys in the Reagan administration for its peacemaking potential to obliterate 12 different cities with a dozen exceedingly accurate and peaceful warheads delivered by just one peacekeeping missile.
Peeance, freeance. It’s all the same.
It’s neocon-democracy! (New and improved! Now with 100% less Democracy! Order yours today.)
Democracy Lite! Same great taste with one-third the freedom!
(Warning: may cause anal leakage…)
It’s like a mad lib, almost. You just plug in the current year and whichever program is currently stabilizing Iraq and presto, you have a brilliant piece of analysis!
I still can’t get over how the war boosters just keep re-running the same piece over and over and over again, as though we’re just supposed to forget that we’ve been on the cusp of victory for literally the entire length of the war.
Yeah, really. VD Hanson and Rich Lowry have kept bread on the table for YEARS by pulling this nonsense. “How can we pull out when we’re just at the moment of victory?” “We’re turning the corner in Iraq!”
I guess the neocons just recognize that most Americans have very short memories, and take advantage of this fact.
DN, Ralph Nader is not a Halliburton stockholder. Prove it or shove it.
Remember, we were winning the war in Vietnam from the 50s to the early 70s, until Walter Cronkite called it a draw.
“We’re turning the corner in Iraq!”
It’s true. However, Iraq is a sphere. We’re always turning the corner.
Several comments above point out the crux of the biscuit: even if Iraq IS entering a peaceful phase, there’s been so damn much crying-wolf of the “verge-of-victory” talking-point that nobody with a skull not in need of a “VACANCY” sign will buy it. Yeah, all those 12-foot blast-walls just SCREAM peaceful, don’t they?
Beginning of the peace, my ass. Keep track of the number of deadly bombings: it’s pretty well a flat line from 2005 to now. It can be made to SEEM peaceful to the info-challenged – wow, look at how low US casualties are – but US casualties went down in Vietnam during the “Vietnamization” period, too – the simple truth neocons can’t stomach is that today’s version of LIC-insurgency warfare makes real military victory a pipe-dream … & the article conveniently fails to note that peacekeepers are only really needed in WAR-ZONES – or places in crisis, on the eve of war.
How about actually putting a big contingent of UN Peacekeepers in Iraq? Somehow I sincerely doubt Bush, Cheney, Rice & Co. would be fond of the idea, let alone the event. That’s the same UN they had to terrorize into LEAVING Iraq before they could “shock & awe” it.
You’re so pretty, Djur. So pretty. So pretty and smart and I just love you to pieces.
Why must you “doom and gloom” our military-industrial hegemony(TM)?
Mr. Trotten may look like a dirty hippie but he’s ALL red, white and blue.
I’m guessing mostly blue.
Surge, schmurge. Even if all the bombing and shooting stopped and peace broke out throughout the Middle East – US Forces would still not be peacekeepers. There is a phrase to describe military units in a foreign nation, when those units belong to the original invading army. It’s occupation forces.
Being bored at work and lacking access to the work I was doing due to a network glitch, I decided to investigate the Ralph Nader-Halliburton thing. Nearest thing I can find to a “primary” source is this (by Jake Tapper no less), which points us to this, which is Ralph Nader’s disclosure form for his 2000 run for office.
Halliburton is not on there. The source of the claim is probably this passage:
So, he owned a mutual fund that owns a subsidiary/associate of Halliburton, in 2000. No indication of if/when he sold that. Pretty weaksauce if you ask me.
Pretty weak sauce if you ask me.
But…good lord, that could only mean that DN is an obsessive ass who can’t let go of a worthless argument! I can’t accept that!
I apologize for mentioning “Halliburton”. It seemed like good snark at the time, worth a chuckle or two. Now I realize that “Halliburton” is like “Candyman” – only without the need for mirrors or Virginia Madsen. I hereby renounce the use of “Halliburton” ever again, or at least until I have boobs as nice as Virginia Madsen does.
In which case, I’ll be spending a lot of time in front of mirrors.
Michael hasn’t responded yet? He must be really busy.
Forgive D.N., forged mostly by the desire to purge the ranks of the progressives from frauds, ratfuckers, wingnuts in sheepskin robes, and the like. I advance that it may be better to err in that regard than to say, hey, big man Nader, assumin’ he ain’t gonna knock ovah mah charcoal grill, will up and saaaaaave the whole lot of us n’sumsuch.
Or you could be the prequel version of Matt Y. So it’s up to you.
Shan’t bother you, really, seeing how you ignored it the first time years ago. What concerns do you have with some schlump with his many sockpuppets and ca-raaaaa-zy views on how progressives should act! like! progressives! and all? Ignore that ass. Open that big tent wide, let that camel walk right in. So what if he’s actually McCain, mavericks be mavericks and all that.
It’s fine. Go back to sleep.
What concerns do you have with some schlump with his many sockpuppets and ca-raaaaa-zy views on how progressives should act! like! progressives! and all?
He makes my favourite website less funny.
So five guys walk into a bar, but the sixth one ducks.
What a great strip idea.
Ralph Nader was seen swinging a sledgehammer at the levees as Katrina made landfall.
Rachel, you’ve hit it (Peacekeepers = Farscape). But which one do we recruit – Aeryn Sun or Bialar Crais? Both look reeeeally good in black. Both could kick neocon ass in their sleep.
Aah, who am I kidding. If anyone is going to keep my peace, it’s Aeryn Sun.
Totten’s penis is an “innie.” This is why he is so pissy all the time.
Theoretically, most people seem to agree that the US would ‘win’ if Iraq became a 1. idependent state 2. that was democratic 3. and relatively pro-US. In reality, I don’t think we’re gonna get that, or even a reasonable imitation.
Most people would also think it would be nice to have a totally non-fattening chocolate bar. Not going to happen, because “non-fattening” and ‘chocolate” are at odds.
“Democratic” and “pro-US” can only fit together if “democracy” is redefined by the same sort of dickheads who think Hugo Chavez is a dictator.
We’ll give you brown people “peace”. The piece of the Grave!
Oh, & your oil’s going to Exxon, too.
Theoretically, Bushco has stripped the word victory of all meaning.
Most people agree that we’ll achieve victory when blargle hoofa pooolillicker gasfrump numinyblox.
Also, Obama had that guy killed, but the files were never recovered.
PENIS