Shorter Tom Kovach
Posted on July 15th, 2008 by Gavin M.
- Strange weather conditions are being caused by idol worshippers and homosexuals.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
With that beard and that hat, he’s GOT to have a harness on under the t-shirt.
Holy Molé! That’s a lotta posts.
Good news is that I can now pretend that there wasn’t a press conference today!
Hmm. Maybe he’s right, and homos like me do cause earthquakes.
I’ll have to hang up a sign: “If the landscape’s a-rockin’, don’t come a-knockin’.”
There. Fixed.
He wears the hat because his head stops at the eyebrows. SAD BUT TRUE.
If even the Devil can quote Scripture to suit his purposes, what does that make Kovach? I mean, besides deluded, sad, ignorant, bigoted, and pathetic.
OK, now wait a minute. Isn’t the Bohemian Grove a big convervative to-do, attended by Buckley-ish types who want to get in touch with their inner…whatever…without teh wimminz around?
Whenever annoying conservative concern trolls spout off with the “why don’t blacks succeed?!?!?” stuff and inevitably say they should act like Thomas Sowell, Walt Williams, or Alan Keyes, I always have to remind them that Mr. Keyes enjoys hanging out with folks like this goober.
Strange weather conditions are being caused by idol worshippers and homosexuals.
Where can I buy an idol worshipper and a homosexual?
…I always have to remind them that Mr. Keyes enjoys hanging out with folks like this goober.
Aw, c’mon. If ever two guys deserved each other…
I thought the Devil went down to Georgia?
Tom Allen said,
July 15, 2008 at 19:34
Hmm. Maybe he’s right, and homos like me do cause earthquakes.
He feels the earth move under his feet
He feels the sky tumbling down
He feels his heart start to trembling
Whenever you’re around
Wasn’t he one of the original Dukes?
Evelyn Keyes died a few days ago. The slug on the AP Wire desk said Obit-Keyes. So my first thought was Alan Keyes, and it made me wonder if evil conservative assholes are going to start dying in threes, just like movie stars.
But no, it was Evelyn Keyes. Sad. I didn’t see many of her movies and she is more famous for being married to John Huston and Artie Shaw, but her autobiography is one of the best Hollywood bios.
Sorry. We were talking about stupid conservative commentary. And I was just going to ask if I missed the post where we made fun of the reaction to WALL*E.
On the day before the annual Bohemian Grove gathering started last week, a small earthquake occurred near Green Valley, California. Interestingly, that earthquake occurred almost to the minute at the time in which my most recent column, “Hot rocks could roll!” was posted on the Internet.
Delusions of grandeur. Not only is it about Teh Gay, Tom is playing a major role in the upcoming venegeance of Gawd by hitting the “Publish” button.
Cluephone for Tom – it isn’t all about you.
Wow that’s a deep deep pit of crazy. But it’s only just scratching the surface.
I was personally delighted by the picture source cite: (Photo source: http://www.Jesus-is-Savior.com)
With a name like Jesus-is-Savior.com you know I had to click… Forget Rickrolling, two girls, that old man nude wrestling thing, all of it pales before the mental shock that is Jesus-is-Savior.com
Planned Herodhood & Aborted Body Parts for Sale
9/11 Conspiracy Theories
Only the King James Version is authentic, the other Bibles are Satanic Counterfeits
The Psycho State DCFS Monsters! (with Elian photo)
The Anti-Christ Slideshow
and much much more!
Ooh, let’s hire him. Chip in, who’s with me?
Hoo boy, that article was a whole buncha crazy.
Why is this guy not pushing a shopping cart around Nashville and mumbling to himself?
That was…wow.
Do you suppose that guy knows that little clusters of earthquakes take place every single day in California? A day *without* such a cluster would be unusual, I think.
It’s amazing when someplace in Iowa, Kansas, Alabama, Nebraska, etc. are really nailed by Mother Nature in the forms of hurricanes, tornadoes, floods, or wildfires, those kinds of disasters are never attributed to God being angry with fundie goobers. I actually never hear ANYTHING about the causes of those terrible events. I just get really tired of having everything bad that befalls liberal or less-than-100%-died-in-the-wool conversative areas of the country being attributed to whatever nutjob thinks needs punishment from some higher power.
Every time you have butt sex, an earthquake cluster gets its wings.
(And we all know that Northern California, where much of the fire activity is located, is a bastion of homosexuality and Shania Law. Get a brain, morans!)
Why is this guy not pushing a shopping cart around Nashville and mumbling to himself?
Why do you assume he’s not?
Shania Law! That’s a Canadian thing, isn’t it?
I think someone really should start codifying Shania Law.
That’s just how gay and idol worshippy it is out there.
But seriously, if gays and idol worshipers bring hurricanes and earthquakes, does that mean if my lawn needs watering I should have anal sex in front of a big bronze buddha?
What’s the Christian equivalent of a rain dance?
I had no idea. All along I thought it was justme, not the actual earth shaking when me and the Ho do the nasty.
OK, given that his statement is even remotely accurate (dubious at best) on what to we blame Tom Kovach, a plague of truly Biblical proportions?
I wish that I had the power to cause earthquakes by hitting the publish button on my blog software.
I can’t because I don’t have a close relationship/partnership(in the earthquake producing section) with God.
Yesindeedy, fReichtards. The Earth moves and things burst into flame.
That’s how good the sex is.
Kobach is lucky to get a couple of crickets chirping.
But of that day and hour knoweth no man, no, not the angels in heaven, but my Father only…Watch therefore; for ye know not what hour your Lord doth come. But know this, that if the goodman of the house had known in what watch the thief would come, he would have watched, and would not have suffered his house to be broken up. Therefore, be ye also ready: for in such an hour as ye think not the Son of man cometh.
Shorter Jesus: You can’t predict when I’m coming back, so don’t bother trying.
I’m helping Kovach set up a real time seismic monitor and some scripting to correlate his postings with tremors.
The results should be fascinating.
I think someone really should start codifying Shania Law.
Now that she’s single again, I’d volunteer.
Is there a perfect storm brewing between posting about the coincidence with Althouse, the New Yorker, Bernie Mac, Obama, Kovach, earthquakes and wildfires, and gays?
It is my firm belief that God is really hacked off about that ticket I got the other day for running a stop sign. (It was in a parking lot, for God’s sake!!) I am waiting for some divine retribution coming down here locally, any day now. God and me, where buds. We understand each other… Thick and thin, you know?
You suckers just wait. You all are going to regret the day that cop pulled out his silly little pad.
PLEASE NO SHANIA LAW THERE OR HERE, NOW OR EVER. KTHX.
We’re. We are….
God doesn’t like it when I use Preview.
Waitaminute… So are Gays and Idol worshipers causing the earthquakes or is Tom Kovach causing the earthquakes. ‘Cause it’s kinda confusing if on the one hand a sign of the wrath of God is earthquakes, but on the other hand a sign of God’s favour is earthquakes.
Delusions of grandeur. Not only is it about Teh Gay, Tom is playing a major role in the upcoming venegeance of Gawd by hitting the “Publish” button.
Cluephone for Tom – it isn’t all about you.
Isn’t pride one of those seven deadly watchamacallits?
Why hasn’t this guy been raptured yet? Why?
“Isn’t pride one of those seven deadly watchamacallits?”
Commie–
Only on paper. Otherwise, “proud” is what the right uses to laud and praise poor people whose claims on society–health care, OSHA, food stamps, etc.–they have every intention of ignoring.
“Pablo Martinez and his wife Esmeralda are a proud family from a working class neighborhood in San Diego. When the U.S. Navy accidentally fired artillery shells into their home, the Martinezes–a proud family, from a proud working class neighborhood of proud neighbors–didn’t ‘sue’ or ‘complain.’ Instead, drawing on the proud tradition of their deep familial pride, they rolled up what was left of their sleeves, and–” (etc.)
This guy is clearly delusional and suffering from referential mania.
God and me; where buds?
Fixed.
Holy crap, that’s a whole pile-o-crazy. It’s like a cross between Heaven Gate’s homepage and that Timecube guy.
And as for all versions of the Bible besides KJV are Satanic Counterfiets, does this mean that the oldest existing Greek and Aramaic texts are actually tools of the Devil?
“With a name like Jesus-is-Savior.com you know I had to click… Forget Rickrolling, two girls, that old man nude wrestling thing, all of it pales before the mental shock that is Jesus-is-Savior.com”
One of the better links on that page is: Beware Of Chick Tracts. Yes, even those wonderful booklets of Biblical goodness are full of sin. HIGH-larious.
If websites could be committed, this would be the first one.
Let’s take a closer look at those breasts.
Oh come on now, people–instead of sniping at people like Tom Kovach, and them sniping back at us, can’t we find some common ground? Can’t we unite around, say, the idea that the Bohemian Grove is a bunch of devil worshippers?
Beware Of Chick Tracts.
sigh. I hearken back to the halcyon days before I knew what this meant. It would be so much nicer to think they were talking about tracts that promoted shopping for kicky little summer dresses, drinking Cosmopolitans, buying shoes and waiting for that cute guy to ask me out.
There goes the myth that black is slimming.
/kitty claws
Tom, dude, you left out the pot. Surely all the marijuana cultivation and consumption in that area have contributed to this critical conjuncture.
What’s with that? Wouldn’t ‘My’ suffice?
And how he tries to tie the moment of his blog post with the earthquakes, as if he had any-effin’-thing to do with it, is a nice touch.
And as for all versions of the Bible besides KJV are Satanic Counterfiets, does this mean that the oldest existing Greek and Aramaic texts are actually tools of the Devil?
I am reminded of the woman who insisted to me once that LUKE was a “bible name” but not LUCAS. She did not understand my response that the guy’s name was not actually Luke.
btw, Shania Law is hilarious. I will now think that every time, and officially deem it an Internet Tradition.
Shania Law: Is that where country/western singers have to look like goths?
(Near Dark flashback)
Uhhh, dude?
I forget what Troll we have to thank for the original Shania Law. Was it Saul?
Near Dark flashback
Great movie.
I believe Shania Law was one of the Gary Rupperts’ typographical fuck-ups. It eventually became a widespread trait of insulting the fake trolls, and the fake trolls picked it up because they’re fake, and thus mindless ciphers anyone can insert words into.
“…he tries to tie the moment of his blog post with the earthquakes, as if he had any-effin’-thing to do with it…”
Sad to say, that appears to be his point. He is, in fact, calling God’s attention to the DFHs and teh gays in NorCal.
And he thinks it’s working.
Shania Law is, in fact, a great internet tradition
Sure seems capricious of God to punish all of the non-owl-worshipping and non-butt-fucking Northern Californians who love him so well (such as my Republican grandfather), but I guess surgical strikes never were his forte.
This guy’s a gem! Jack van Impe on teh intertoobzez! But where’s his Rexella? Anyway, check this out:
My guess would be, Sadly, NO! After all, he’s the genius who put together this page. Take a careful look. What don’t you see?
I hate to say it, but speaking as a Bible believer, Tom Kovach is right. God is punishing us for not following Her commandments in regards to, for example, interest. As if the mortgage crisis isn’t causing enough havoc, God likes to pile it on as well.
I urge Tom Kovach to join many who are calling for a world-wide Jubilee in order to avert further punishment from God. Somehow, though, I suspect that the people who make sure that Tom Kovach is selling his theological snake oil rather than (c.f. above) pushing a shopping cart around Nashville mumbling to himself, wouldn’t be happy with him joining their call.
Just a reminder … Jesus wasn’t crucified ’cause he was against teh ghey. He was crucified (a Roman punishment … of course, the likes of Tom Kovach probably try to deflect blame and change the whole point of what’s happening by conspiring along with Pontius “washing his hands” Pilate to blame this on us Jews) for being a pinko-commie radical revolutionary. Nu? Tom Kovach? On whose side are you? If Jesus were alive today would you be a defender of his or a persecutor of his? And isn’t that the question a real Christian would have to ask (“that which you do to the least of them” and all that)? Not “what would Jesus do?” or even “whom would Jesus forbid you from doing?” but “what would you have done to Jesus?”
Well, he’s basically falling victim to the great blunder of the human mind, false positives in pattern-recognition.
He writes an ‘article’ lambasting California for its filthy ways, like he does every day. California has a state of emergency, like every day. He recognizes a pattern, and thinks that he is effecting this state of emergency.
Now, granted, many of us fall victim to this, but the sane people recognize that our brain’s actually pretty stupid if you don’t examine what impulses it sends you, and that it’s only connecting patterns because that’s what it does, and that there’s no actual connection between a raving lunatic in a cowboy hat flinging shit at a state he doesn’t like, and a state built on the epicenter of every fucking natural problem a land can have having another disaster again.
Shit, this guy probably thinks that Crossing Over guy actually speaks to dead people, instead of idiots just connecting the dead Uncle Joe to the guy babbling about seeing a ‘J’.
Leon, there’s even a name for the condition – it’s called apophenia.
As laid down in the Koran on Over, Shania Law sets down the basis for Islam’s the one jurisprudence.
Is there a perfect storm brewing between posting about the coincidence with Althouse, the New Yorker, Bernie Mac, Obama, Kovach, earthquakes and wildfires, and gays?
That’s right, and it’ll happen as soon as I push this “Submit Comment” button because of my close personal relationship with Jeesus! Be ready, for you know NOT the hour in which I’ll push it! well except for the time stamp.
“Talk radio had been Tom’s life-long career dream.
But…
Tom gave his 30-day notice (thus releasing him from his contract),
and walked away from the program, after discovering
a persistent anti-Israel bias among many network callers
(and even among some network officials).The show was on the network for five months,
and was the weekday morning opener for the final two months.
(And, the network ran Tom’s re-runs for six weeks after he left.)
You can still become a member of The US Phone Force by clicking here.
Tom – great minds think alike. I was just going to point out that his bio should read FORMER talk show host.
er, steve, that is.
I just keep thinking of this little ditty penned after the 1906 San Francisco earthquake:
“If, as they say, God spanked the town
For being over frisky,
Why did He burn the churches down
And save Hotaling’s whiskey?”
More Jesus-is-Savior.com deliciousness.
The path to Salvation according to Jesus-is-Savior.com:
Their latest rant, Ray Comfort from livingwaters.com is a false prophet spreading the lie that the path to salvation is:
Man, I’m gonna need a progam to tell the true prophets from the tools of Satan. Just remember that Salvation is as simple as accepting Jesus Christ as your personal savior. And nothing more – because if you accept him as anything else (lord, role model, sex fetish, etc.) it’s damnation all the way!
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SHANIA LAW MUST BE STOPPED. KTHX.
Now fishing for The Fool:
Jesus-is-Savior.com shares (not really) my assessment of Imagine.
Well, now that Jesus-is-Savior.com points it out, it is obvious. If there were no heaven, then Psalm 19:1 would be saying that nothing is declaring the glory of God! That’s almost as blasphemous as trying to imagine that there’s no religion too.
I’d like to take this opportunity to remind the thread of the bible of sheer fundie lunacy, http://www.fstdt.com.
This is all I could find from Kovach, but it’s a beaut:
“now, seriously, folks…
My own on-air contribution to Obonics was “Obamistan” — the new name for a United States that is forced to accept Islamic Shari’a law. If you think that is a far-fetched idea, then consider another Islamic term: taq’qiyah. That word describes the fact that, under Islam, it is entirely acceptable — even encouraged — to use any level of deception against “unbelievers” (in Allah, who is not the same as the God of the Bible) to advance the cause of Islam. In the video linked above, note that an Islamic “scholar” (Abu Hamza al-Masri) advocates that Muslims may commit any act — beat, kidnap, sell, or kill — upon any non-Muslim that they might encounter. Al-Masri says that all non-Muslims are “like a cow.”
Barack Obama claims to be a Christian. But, is he? His “church” seems to hold Nation of Islam founder Louis Farrakhan in higher esteem than they do Jesus Christ. Obama used his political clout to support a regime in Kenya that oppressed Christians and attempted to impose shari’a law on all Kenyans. Obama’s grandfather renounced Christianity. (For the results of that, read Hebrews 6, especially Verse 6.) Barack Obama’s childhood friends recall him as a devout Muslim, and so do his relatives. A news item from India reports that Obama also carries a miniature Hindu idol in his pocket for “luck.” (The word “luck” stems from the name “Lucifer.” The word in Russian for “evil” is lukavaho. Christians should bristle whenever someone wishes them “good luck.”)” Tom Kovach, Renew America.
The Top 100 is particularly edifying/horrifying.
Let the hi-larity ensue.
comsympinko,
Sadly,No! is aware of Obonics traditions.
Bonus Jesus-is-Savior.com:
Imagine no religion too.
Wow. I gotta stop browsing that site, but it’s like a horrible mangled crash scene by the side of the road. It’s impossible to look away.
Oh, that’s right, I forgot about the monkey-god Hanuman.
Tom doesn’t go nearly far enough in his analysis (heh — I said “anal”).
For example: it’s no coincidence that some of the worst fires have been burning near Big Sur — which is an anagram of Sir Bug, a clear reference to unsafe sadomasochistic homosexual sexy sex that results in someone getting the HIV virus and then the AIDS syndrome.
Other fires are burning in Butte County!11!! and near the areas of Whiskeytown!!1!one1!! and Hayfork — or should I say “Pitchfork” — the Devil’s tool!!!!1!eleven!!!1!
What’s more, if you draw a line between Butte County and Hayfork, it goes right past Red Bluff, which is a clear reference to both Communism and gambling.
I could go on and on…
“Bring it on!”
So, the recent spate of tornardos and floods in the Great Heartland(TM) are because of bigotry, creationism and unhealthy diets?
Nah, they’re because of the increased acceptance of the NIV. Remember, only KJV only!
All other versions are perversions! Especially the so-called “Greek” text because “Greek” is code for “buttsex”.
If Olde-Timey English was good enough for Jesus, it’s good enough for you!
And ride motorcycles!
Hey, a friend of mine is her drummer – a big, black fellow named Kevin with a voice like Darth Vader. Helluva good drummer.
Yes, a black guy plays drums for Shania – surely now lions are lying down with lambs, there’s a fly in the ointment and a balrog in the woodpile! The end times must be near… heh, indeed…
(“No they aren’t, and don’t call me Shirley…”)
Athenawise –
No, that’s just coincidence.
Or possiblely because God was upset with California. Or Louisiana. Or New York. Or Miami. Or Las Vegas. Or Washington.
See, when it happens to their dumb shit-kicking asses, it’s a fluke. When it happens to one of us, it’s meaningful judgment.
You can help Tom to change things by using this “donate” button.
By “change things,” does that mean he’ll hire someone who knows web page design?
Looking at that picture again, I have to wonder: does his head come to a point? ‘Cause that hat tapers somewhat precipitously.
I’m sorry, but if God was really that angry about gays and stuff, the entire planet would be shaking 24/7.
It was also a truism after the 1906 San Francisco Earthquake that more churches were wrecked than saloons. Based on Kovach’s logic, saloons are holy ground. I’ll drink to that.
Based on that logic, Blue Raven, I am consecrating my office right now.
The ends of shoelaces are called “aglets.” Their true purpose is sinister.
He looks dead on to my sister’s ex brother in law hat included. He drank himself to death in his thirties
It is a turgid, engorged, throbbing fact that during the 1994 Northridge earthquake, the epicenters of SoCal sodomy, i.e. West Hollywood and Silver Lake, were virtually unscathed. Daddy Nature saw fit to vent His wrath instead on places like Simi Valley (home of the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library) and Moorpark (home of… well, not much really).
Well, I try not to click on these nutter’s handy links, fearful that the Goddess will strike me down and mess up my bathtub drainage (this is how she shows Her Displeasure; not with deadly storms, but with annoyance and bills. Because she is a merciful force.)
But I was curious about “Beware of Chick Tracts.” However, I only got as far as “This is why we need talk radio” and I fled, screaming.
Ya’ll are made of strong stuff.
I couldn’t help it, I went and googled it.
http://www.jesus-is-savior.com/False%20Doctrines/Lordship%20Salvation/bad_tracts.htm
Yup, the title is:
WHEN GOSPEL TRACTS KILL!
Dagnab, that’s some wild stuff there. This is the kind of thing I escaped from in my teens: ironically, by reading the Bible from cover to cover and drawing my own conclusions.
They hate it when people do that.
I have bad eyesight, but does that guy have slit pupils, like a lizard?
Well, he ain’t the Lizard King, even if he do.
Jebus Christ on a Defiled Deified Cracker, that Jesus-is-Savior site is nuts. I was looking at it with my 16 year old kid, and he was actually getting scared.
“I don’t like to think there are people like that around, Mom,” said he.
“Me either, son, me either.”
By the way, I’m from Teh Heartland (Iowa) and we’re not exactly a bunch of dumb shit kickers here. A lot of good people were hurt by the floods and tornados. Fuck that whole Teh Heartland full of rubes and nothing but corn thing. You know, you can hate on these right wing creationist psycho assholes all you want, but stop tying the rest of us who are decent human beings to this; it’s as ugly and destructive as any other fucking stereotype. We welcomed a lot of Katrina refugees here. We also welcome Sudanese people and Bosnian people and all other manner of refugees here. We opened the door to SE Asians in massive numbers in the 70s. Stop acting like Iowa is full of Fred Phelps wannabes. We went for Obama in a big way when we all still thought he was PROGRESSIVE, remember that?
Fuck that shit.
Oh, and by the way, Iowa is a whole fuckload more liberal than Miami or any other goddamn place in Florida, for that matter. We also don’t have a death penalty and Planned Parenthood has a real presence in this state. Went for Gore in 2000, Clinton both times. (Bush squeaked it in 2004). Five representatives, 3 Dem and 2 Repub. One Dem Senator(Liberal Tom Harkin) and one Rep Senator (the not-crazy Charles Grassley, currently going after the likes of Hagee about their tax exempt status). Dem Governor, both state house and senate majority dem. Judge Hanson struck down gay marriage ban and a gay couple was married here before an injunction stopped gay marriage prior to state Supreme Court ruling on it. I personally think we may be the next state to allow gay marriage. We still teach actual science in our schools.
But hey, why do I bother? Some people have such fixed ideas about certain areas of the country, they just can’t be convinced otherwise. Go ahead, believe we have chickens and pigs roaming the streets of Des Moines and never saw a black person. (Oh, yeah, African American Imam in our state legislature, formerly on the Des Moines school board. No black people here though, no sirree. My state Senator is openly gay, but hey, don’t let that interfere with your picture of iowa)
Kind of like fReichtards and San Francisco.
Candy:
To be perfectly frank, I don’t *have* a picture of Iowa. I’m unfortunately one of those asshole East Coast people who really does see America as “East Coast, flyover, Chicago, flyover, Rockies, West Coast”. As a result, Iowa doesn’t really register enough to even populate it with Fred Phelps people specifically. It’s just one of those states there in the middle full of pricks.
I know, it’s a tragic mental flaw, to dismiss the great states of what’s in the middle, but frankly, I’ve gotten so sick over the past seven years of every half witted numb nutted psychotic with a modem and a dream coming out of that middle and acting like they’re the real America, that I, well, don’t give a shit about them and their follies.
So, really, Candy, I’m sorry that Iowa is the great liberal state of the Heartland (patent pending), and that you feel offended and upset that someone would suggest that some other city or state would be more likely to have the sins and debaucheries of its people blamed for when natural disaster hits like it would, whereas poor Midwesterners are just suddenly beset with floods and tornadoes as they sit in the path of flood plains and tornado alleys as they have for decades, completely free and clear of any moral judgment.
Also, Florida went to Gore in 2000, too. It’s just that nobody cared enough about Iowa to steal your electoral votes in a farce.
Get Kovach to take a big sacred Valium. Tremors in California – about as rare as corn in Kansas or rain in Hawaii … waiting with baited breath for his upcoming posts on the birth of two-headed cows & sudden wave of spaontaneous miscarriages, all taking place the same day(!!!) Obama is sworn into office. This Good Ol’ Boy would’ve been right at home at the Salem Witch Trials – he’s got the mindless atavism part down cold.
Shania Law?
That don’t impress me much.
waiting with baited breath
Well yuck.
To be perfectly frank, I don’t *have* a picture of Iowa.
That’s some bullshit right there.
Are you sure, RB? Because to sum up my picture of Iowa, it’s this, “Iowa: Somewhere in the middle, not Ohio or Idaho.”
Other than that, it’s indistinguishable from whatever other flyover state there is.
Are you sure, RB?
Yes.
Then feel free to explain my picture of Iowa, RB. Please, I’d like to see what denial I’m in that you know what I think Iowa looks like.
Then feel free to explain my picture of Iowa, RB.
Feel free to read the thread above for clarification.
[…] see: California: Still Bakin’, Soon Shakin’, O-Bonics, And Other Lessons, The crescent… The crescent… The […]