Even Reading Comprehension Discriminates Against Christians!
I’ve just noticed there’s a glaring lack in our lexical facilities, and I’m hoping some of you will help me coin a neologism to fill it.
I’m looking for a term to describe someone who creates a fake instance of martyrdom out of nothing; something with a soupçon of mockery about it, the way the term “wigger” is usually seen as mocking white suburban kids who emulate a way of life that they know nothing about personally. Because without this word, I’ll never be able to properly point out just how stupid Janet Folger is.
Go ahead: Arrest me
Censorship. Book burning. The Criminalization of Christianity. It’s here and it’s now the law in the state of Colorado.
The Ku Klux Klan can march. The Nazis can hand out brochures. Skinheads can do whatever it is that Skinheads do. But in the state of Colorado, the only group who is NOT allowed to be heard is … the Christians. They’re the ones who disagree with same-sex marriage, cohabitation, and believe the biblical view that homosexuality is a sin. But if they voice that objection from now on, it had better be inside the four walls of a church. If not, they’ll be staring at the four walls of a prison cell … for up to a year.
A year? Are you kidding me?
No kidding.
Oh. I guess you aren’t kidding me, then.
You see, Colorado Gov. Bill Ritter signed into law SB 200 and turned public restrooms and locker rooms into a predator paradise where men can enter (and shower in) any female public facility in the state. You’d think that would be as bad as it gets – but wait: Section 8 of that same bill claims to trump the First Amendment:
Good Lord! This is serious. Colorado has finally declared itself a breakaway republic. Allowing state law to trump the Constitution? This is a Constitutional crisis! This will not stand. What does this detestable piece of legislation say, Janet?
Section 8. 24-34-701. Publishing of discriminative matter forbidden.
No person, being the owner, lessee, proprietor, manager, superintendent, agent, or employee of any place of public accommodation … shall publish, issue, circulate, send, distribute, give away, or display in any way, manner, or shape or by any means or method, except as provided in this section, any communication, paper, poster, folder, manuscript, book, pamphlet, writing, print, letter, notice, or advertisement of any kind, nature, or description that is intended or calculated to discriminate or actually discriminates against … SEXUAL ORIENTATION, marital status …
This is outrageous! I’m appalled. Even though I personally do not agree with written speech that discriminates against sexual orientation or maritial status, I would naturally defend anyone’s Constitutional right to engage in such written speech. Has the governor of Colorado lost his mind? Surely there must be some explanation for such shocking legal text? What does the rest of this section say?
… in the matter of furnishing or neglecting or refusing to furnish to them or any one of them any lodging, housing, schooling, or tuition or any accommodation, right [marriage], privilege [adoption], advantage, or convenience … on account of … SEXUAL ORIENTATION, marital status … [which] is unwelcome or objectionable or not acceptable, desired, or solicited.
Oh. Not so much, then.
Apparently, what “Christians” like Janet Folger call “The ARMAGGEDON of CHRISTIANITY in AMERICA OMGWTFBBO!!!ELEVENTYONE11! I CAN HAZ MARTUR HAT NOW?”, the rest of us call “boilerplate anti-discrimination in housing legal text”. In fact, here’s the actual text of SB 200-8, Section 8, without Folger’s histrionic additions [PDF warning for the link, in case your computer doesn’t like PDFs]:
24-34-701. Publishing of discriminative matter forbidden.
No person, being the owner, lessee, proprietor, manager, superintendent, agent, or employee of any place of public accommodation, resort, or amusement, directly or indirectly, by himself or herself or through another person shall publish, issue, circulate, send, distribute, give away, or display in any way, manner, or shape or by any means or method, except as provided in this section, any communication, paper, poster, folder, manuscript, book, pamphlet, writing, print, letter, notice, or advertisement of any kind, nature, or description THAT is intended or calculated to discriminate or actually discriminates against any disability, race, creed, color, sex, SEXUAL ORIENTATION , marital status, national origin, or ancestry or against any of the members thereof in the matter of furnishing or neglecting or refusing to furnish to them or any one of them any lodging, housing, schooling, or tuition or any accommodation, right, privilege, advantage, or convenience offered to or enjoyed by the general public or which states that any of the accommodations, rights, privileges, advantages, or conveniences of any such place of public accommodation, resort, or amusement shall or will be refused, withheld from, or denied to any person or class of persons on account of disability, race, creed, color, sex, SEXUAL ORIENTATION , marital status, national origin, or ancestry or that the patronage, custom, presence, frequenting, dwelling, staying, or lodging at such place by any person or class of persons belonging to or purporting to be of any particular disability, race, creed, color, sex, SEXUAL ORIENTATION ,marital status, national origin,or ancestry is unwelcome or objectionable or not acceptable, desired, or solicited.
You’ll never guess what this sounds an awful lot like. No, not Mein Kampf. Not Der Ewige Jude, either. Despite all Folger’s kvetching about how this is a blatantly discriminatory piece of anti-Christian legislation, this sounds remarkably like certain passages from the United States Code:
As made applicable by section 3603 of this title and except as exempted by sections 3603 (b) and 3607 of this title, it shall be unlawful—
(a) To refuse to sell or rent after the making of a bona fide offer, or to refuse to negotiate for the sale or rental of, or otherwise make unavailable or deny, a dwelling to any person because of race, color, religion, sex, familial status, or national origin.
(b) To discriminate against any person in the terms, conditions, or privileges of sale or rental of a dwelling, or in the provision of services or facilities in connection therewith, because of race, color, religion, sex, familial status, or national origin.
(c) To make, print, or publish, or cause to be made, printed, or published any notice, statement, or advertisement, with respect to the sale or rental of a dwelling that indicates any preference, limitation, or discrimination based on race, color, religion, sex, handicap, familial status, or national origin, or an intention to make any such preference, limitation, or discrimination.
(d) To represent to any person because of race, color, religion, sex, handicap, familial status, or national origin that any dwelling is not available for inspection, sale, or rental when such dwelling is in fact so available.
(e) For profit, to induce or attempt to induce any person to sell or rent any dwelling by representations regarding the entry or prospective entry into the neighborhood of a person or persons of a particular race, color, religion, sex, handicap, familial status, or national origin.
All this means is that if you want a license to do business in the state of Colorado, you can’t discriminate against folks. Every single state in the country has the same damn law, more or less – the only real difference being whether or not a given state recognizes sexual orientation as a class deserving protection against discrimination. All the other classes have their protection mandated by the federal government.
Let’s see if we can help Folger down off of that cross she’s put herself on, shall we?
Forget the public library display of “banned books week” – its “banned books week” all year round in the entire state of Colorado – if those books, paper, posters, folders, manuscripts, pamphlet, writing, print, letter, notice, advertisement, or crayon drawing is said to be calculated, intended, or thought to discriminate against homosexual behavior, or the agenda to rewrite marriage and adoption laws.
Don’t worry, Janet. You can go right on being just as much of a bigoted lunatic as you’ve always been. It’s really not that bad.
A week from today I’m flying to Denver and attending a press conference with Colorado pastors and state leaders to … break the law. We are handing out my book, “The Criminalization of Christianity,” and waiting for arrest. It may be that next week’s column will be written from a jail cell. I tend to think that would be a stupid move on the government’s part. I predict they will lay low and peg off the less vocal types first. Wait for the cement in the law to become solid before chaining it to the feet of Christians who dare speak out.
See, now I almost feel bad for her. She seems so excited about the prospect of being arrested! Instead, all that’s going to happen to her is she’s going to stand on a sidewalk, ranting at befuddled passersby for an afternoon, and as long as she doesn’t block traffic, no cop is even going to look at her.
This just doesn’t seem right. Maybe we should take up a collection and hire one of those Strip-o-Gram guys who dresses up like a cop to show up for her? It’s a shame to let all that fake martyr act go to waste with no audience.
Help! Help! I’m being oppressed!!!!!
I always call people like that “Little Miss Martyr”
What was that line from The Young Ones? “You can’t crucify yourself…I’ve tried. You can’t get the last nail in.”
I’m looking for a term to describe someone who creates a fake instance of martyrdom out of nothing
Fartyrs.
How about “neomartyr?” Or “hysterimartyr?”
Squicktims.
Martyrdummies.
I am poutraged!
someone who creates a fake instance of martyrdom
autologous pseudocrucifixion?
Righteous Bubba…you beat me to it.
I’d also suggest “massholes.”
someone who creates a fake instance of martyrdom out of nothing
Performance artist?
Sacrificial Lion
I’m looking for a term to describe someone who creates a fake instance of martyrdom out of nothing
What, “conservative” isn’t descriptive enough?
Red Sox fans?
Red Sox fans?
Heh.
Tattlefails.
What was that line from The Young Ones? – Matt
“Only pop music can save us now”?
Wait. Different bit.
On my deathbed I will regret that I did not come up with poutraged. Between now and then, however, I will use it as if it were my own.
It seems that I didn’t come up with poutraged either.
I call them Malkins.
Yeah. Poutrage.
RB does it again.
Martyrbators?
Martyrbators?
Ooo. Also uh uh uh and so forth.
Dicktims.
Poutrage.
Isn’t this just freedom fries with gravy and cheese? I like Fartyr. Half-human half-scapegoat.
A week from today I’m flying to Denver and attending a press conference with Colorado pastors and state leaders to … break the law. We are handing out my book, “The Criminalization of Christianity,” and waiting for arrest. It may be that next week’s column will be written from a jail cell.
Doesn’t she first have to become a landlord, or a motel manager, and then refuse to rent/let to any of the protected classes, before they haul her ass off to jail? Or is my reading comprehension that bad?
I always liked the Reverse Double Malkin.
It has a nice ring to it.
And yes, we should hire the strippergram dude.
“Folgeries”? A play on “forgeries” and giving credit where due.
Short lesson in constitutional law in case anybody is curious: The Sup. Ct. has said that speech proposing an illegal commercial transaction is not protected by the 1st. Amdt. So the Constitution does not give you the right to print an ad saying “Fine crystal meth for sale cheap.”
Since it is illegal to refuse to rent to somebody because he is (say) black, an ad saying “No Blacks Allowed” is likewise not protected.
Janet Folger’s stupid book presumably does not propose a commercial transaction, so she can sell or give it to anybody that will put up with it.
(I have to say, that’s some seriously bad draftspersonship in that Colo. statute. It does apparently mean the same thing as subsection 804(c ) of the federal Fair Housing Act, which Jillian quotes, but it sure is harder to read.)
Anthropomartyr – the ascribing of religious martyrdom to inanimate objects
Doesn’t she first have to become a landlord, or a motel manager, and then refuse to rent/let to any of the protected classes, before they haul her ass off to jail? Or is my reading comprehension that bad?
Well she’s obviously not going to hand out copies of her book to teh ghey. To jail with her!
crucifictitious martyrs
Their fantasies of martyrdom would be crucifictional.
It may be that next week’s column will be written from a jail cell.
Awwwwwww, you’re so cute! Go ahead and have fun at your jail party, sweety!
Victibitionist?
Would-besuses.
Egomartyracs?
Doesn’t exactly roll of the tongue, does it?
Sounds more like an eye problem…
Victibitionist?
That’s pretty great.
Since it is illegal to refuse to rent to somebody because he is (say) black, an ad saying “No Blacks Allowed” is likewise not protected.
Janet Folger’s stupid book presumably does not propose a commercial transaction, so she can sell or give it to anybody that will put up with it.
Thanks for the confirmation, roac. She really is an idiot.
So the Constitution does not give you the right to print an ad saying “Fine crystal meth for sale cheap.”
The hell you say! But the trailer park newsletter took my money, the bastards!
Martyrbators?
Oh man. I thought fartyrs was good. Martyrbators is wanktastically perfect. Poutrage’s Complaint.
“Doesn’t she first have to become a landlord, or a motel manager, and then refuse to rent/let to any of the protected classes, before they haul her ass off to jail? Or is my reading comprehension that bad?”
You are correct. Suffering a moral poutrage, and having one’s delicate sensibilities terribly bruised are not a justicable actions. She and the morons like her are free to continue being bigoted cretins and telling anyone who will listen, alllll about it.
Martyrdumb
Othercheekdom
Sacrificial ham.
You know, I hope Tom Lennon reads this blog, because the Reno 911 segment really writes itself here, doesn’t it?
The Depended.
“massholes.”
That’s already in common use.
At least that’s what folks from NJ, NY, CT, NH, VT, RI and ME tell us …
And it’s no longer just in Sweden, Europe, and Canada…”
Sweden was kicked out of Europe? What will the U.S. and North America do about this?
persatzcution
Putzacution?
I was going to say Shartyrs but someone beat me to the Fartyrs bit, so that would look like blatant ripoffism.
How ’bout Martyrchists? or Sado Martyrchists…
“This just doesn’t seem right. Maybe we should take up a collection and hire one of those Strip-o-Gram guys who dresses up like a cop to show up for her?”
It being Colorado, can we get the guy who canoodled with Pastor Ted?
The fauxpressed
Casualest-ties
WooHoo! Maybe I’ll test my citizen’s detainment rights. Or, maybe I could get her to come to my house so I can invoke my “Make My Day” rights and pop a cap in her ass.
Also, everyone knows that Denver cops shoot first and ask questions never. A book in your hand looks an awful lot like a gun. Bang!
Waagellants.
I kinda like Righteous Bubba’s “fartyrs.”
At any rate, someone in Colorado needs to take pictures of Coffee Janet as she awaits her inevitable arrest by the Invincible Atheist Gestapo of Evil, or at least repost some news reports of her whinefest…
Stealing from Mort: Fauxgellants.
you had me at Fartyrs. Comedy gold, this thread is.
How about Nostrils?
That’s all I can see in my mind when I read this stuff, or Malkin, O’Really, Coulter–just two big, flexing, fuzz-coated booger holes, huffing and puffing.
Nostrils is more indignation than martyrdom, though. Maybe a rating system? Like, “I give this victibitionist three nostrils for outrage, but only one nostril for execution.”
Martyrbators and victibitionists. They can be used alternately to demonstrate one has a firm grasp of the vocabulary and a robust familiarity with the phenomenon.
Saint Moan of Arc.
Wow…RB, WereBear, and Legalize are running neck in neck. It’s a tight race!
Sufferergettes.
Sacrificial ham made me snicker in that mean way we liberals snicker, all mean-like and mean.
Marytards? (pronounced Mar-tards)
(Sorry, a bit non-polite, but it IS catchy).
Er, excuse me not Marytards, MARTards.
Is anyone going to be near this book givaway? MileHi? Someone should be there to receive one of her books and then tear out page after page within her view until her head explodes. Just don’t get busted for littering.
Vain-tim
Noffended
Shambushed
Scapehoax
Spasualties.
Victibators
Wait for the cement in the law to become solid before chaining it to the feet of Christians who dare speak out.
Hey Stupid,
Cement is a dry powder. It doesn’t become solid until it is made into concrete. You should know this because in the Bible one of the Disciples was a concrete finisher. Surely you’ve heard of the Apostle’s Screed?
Your Friend
It’s not fair to single out Red Sox fans for this kind of thing when it can so easily be applied to New England sports fans in general.
(Red Sox fans: Don’t say I never stick up for you.)
victard
perhaps it’s a condition from having:
multiple martyrosis
involuntary paranoid homophobic whingingitis with narcissistic rage
Faux Munchausen’s Syndrome.
The Bigots Who Cried Wolf.
gbear–I’ll have to see if I can find out anything about when and where this is going to take place. I’m not on any wingnut mailing lists though…
I hope it doesn’t interfere with any islamogayskinheadKKKaborto activities that I may have planned.
I’m in awe of “Martyrbator” “Victibitionist”
I can’t take credit for making it up, but I like “psuedoeleemosynarist”
I was unaware of how open-minded the Nazis and Skinheads were of same-sex marriage and homosexuality in general! You learn something new every day!
Remember kids: this woman got a book published, and writes for money!
Crucifakes!
I was gonna say “crucifiction”, but Candy was too fast for me (and I’ve known more than one Candy whom that would be an apt statement), so maybe “C(h)ry(st)-babies”?
And though I’ve promised myself I’d stop wrasslin’ with the ineffable with believers, shouldn’t someone send this to Amy Sullivan with a note that said “If you’re really concerned about how Christianity is perceived by the public, maybe these are the people you should concern yourself with, not atheists. Atheists just think your religion is silly; people like this woman are using it as a club to bash fellow human beings’ heads in and complaining they’re being crucified when someone points out what douches they collectively are”.
I don’t know…
Jonah
Victibitionists practice the purportification of the flesh.
Bogus-leaguered
Hey, I think we can even get them to take this one on for themselves:
The Morally Arrested
Remember kids: this woman got a book published, and writes for money!
Indeedy.
She lied for our sins.
Would a martyrbator then be a victim of ersatzcution? Would Wingnuttia declare a Day of Poutrage?
A week from today I’m flying to Denver and attending a press conference with Colorado pastors and state leaders to … break the law. We are handing out my book, “The Criminalization of Christianity,” and waiting for arrest. It may be that next week’s column will be written from a jail cell.
She thinks she’s a public accommodation. Maybe that’s a new term for “village idiot”.
I vote for either fartyr or fauxpressed. Both of those are fantastic.
Oh dear sweet spreadable Jeebus on matzoh toast. These people are only happy when they can emulate their savior’s martyrdom on the cross, or at least pretend to without any actual suffering or inconvenience to themselves that is.
As if this thread wasn’t full of win already,
She lied for our sins.
Fucking beautiful.
Thick Wrong Dicks, if male.
If she’s thrown in the clink and she decided to blog about it, it would be just like “Letters from a Birmingham Jail” all over again.
Munchausen Martyrs?
The Communion of Faints.
At the end of the day, does this woman really, truly, actually believe that the government will allow neo-Nazis to hold a parade but won’t allow her to?
Does she actually believe this? She cannot believe this.
“We are handing out my book, “The Criminalization of Christianity,” and waiting for arrest. It may be that next week’s column will be written from a jail cell.”
It’s funny, because she knows there’s a 0% chance of that happening.
Which is good for her, because, judging from that pic, she’d be used like currency.
Baptizzyists.
Wrongfully impassioned
Thank goodness she had this book already written in advance of the happy coincidence. It’s not like she was looking for this to happen and tried to make something out of nothing.
Munchausen Martyrs
Love it. And it’s alliterative!
We will overclown!
Cool Hand Matthew, Mark and John
I always appreciate the opportunity to drag out an old favorite:
Super shallow narcissist with multiple neuroses.
Sing it!
Fundaventalists.
Marturds
waambulent
waambulixion
I like fauxpressed.
Fauxmetheus Bound
The Passion of the Reichs
Autoneurotic crucifiction?
The term already exists. It’s “martyr complex.” Her case isn’t particularly exceptional – or interesting, IMO.
Just simple farmers. These are people of the land. The common clay of the new West. You know… morons
Riffing off Legalize: Clowntrodden
In her case it’s “martyr simplex.”
Huddled Massholes
Daphne, I think you may be unfamiliar with the Sadly, No! Liberal Circle Jerk.
We sit around and wait for a subject that we can try to out-smartify each other.
Whaaawfauxly Poutraged?
Oh man, I just remembered a couple weekends back I was visiting some right-wing relatives in SoCal, and they had a note up on the fridge about signing a petition against the latest CA anti-discrimination bill, on the grounds that it would mandate unisex bathrooms and make it illegal to to say “Mommy and Daddy” in a public school, when in fact it’s the same sort of standard anti-discrimination stuff.
I just love amateur legal analysis, really I do.
Fauxpressed asses.
Whaaaaafaux Poutraged, I mean.
Dammit, third try:
Whaaaafauxly Poutraged
And if I may say so, Daphne, your blog really confuses me.
And in the meantime, sneakily, unisex bathrooms have invaded every home!
Tartuffes.
It’s even French, for extra insult power.
Mythsogny.
Just change the lyrics to “if I Had a Hammer”
If I had a hammer
I’d hammer in the nails
I’d hammer them into
My own hands
I’d hammer out danger
I’d hammer out a warning
I’d hammer out the homos are taking over
over this land
Here in the breakaway People’s Republic of Colorado, we prefer the simple direct “stupid deluded fucks”.
That’s just how we roll…
“We are handing out my book, “The Criminalization of Christianity,” and waiting for arrest. It may be that next week’s column will be written from a jail cell.”
Uh oh! Someone has been involved in some shady business dealings.
martyrmoanius
How much you wanna bet that if she IS arrested, it won’t be for handing out a stupid book, but for screaming at passers-by or blocking traffic or something?
clowntrodden FTW!
eeemmolated?
Ain’t Teresa of Avila
Fauxpressed – I really like that. But there are so many good ones to choose from. Jillian has a lot of decidering to do . . .
Holy Trollers
My favorites: Victibitionist, Martyrbators, Poutrage.
“Did you hear about that martyrbator Janet Folger? She is having a poutrage because she thinks that housing laws in Colorado discriminate against Christians. She is such a victibitionist that she is going to go hand out copies of her crappy book to unsuspecting citizens.”
Fartyrs is funny but it only works in print.
Janet Folger wrote a book all about turning water into whine.
Martyrial fibrillation? Meh…
Skinheads can do whatever it is that Skinheads do.
Endorse Ron Paul?
Riffing off Mextremist ..
Self-EMOlaters
Martyriosclerosis.
Personal fave so far is Martyrbators.
Janet is our quavior, a lying shite to the clowntrodden and fauxpressed, to the muddled asses yearning to sleaze free . . .
How much you wanna bet that if she IS arrested, it won’t be for handing out a stupid book, but for screaming at passers-by or blocking traffic or something?
How much you wanna bet she’d nevertheless claim the latter was just cover for doing the former, ’cause once Baby Jesus is outlawed, only outlaws will have Baby Jesus.
Which sounds like a faux Johnny Paycheck song.
Wait for the cement in the law to become solid before chaining it to the feet of Christians who dare speak out.
Say what you will, that shit’s dynamite.
Let’s see if we can even come close:
“Lollygag until the lions in the law become hungry before feeding it the Christians…”
“Fart about until the faggots of the law start burning before tying the Christians to them…”
“Waffle until the waterboard of the law is wet down–”
Forget it. Can’t be beat. No wonder she’s got a book or two to sell!
Daphne — the problem with “martyr complex” is that it’s two words (which doesn’t keep if from being a “term”, but still it’s not perfect), and also that it isn’t derisive enough. Also someone with a martyr complex actually seeks out actual suffering, like in an abusive relationship, whereas Folger’s thing is about claiming to be persecuted.
To an extent, this comes from the Sermon on the Mount, (“Blessed are you when they revile and persecute you, and say all kinds of evil against you falsely for My sake”), which is odd, because other Beatitudes like being meek, merciful, or peacemakers don’t seem to rate that highly. Of course many Christians are aware (and some are even willing to point out) that there’s a difference between being reviled for your religious convictions and being reviled for being incredibly obnoxious.
OK, I looked this bill up. What it does is add sexual preference as a protected class to the state public accommodations (not housing) law.
The ranters down in Colorado Springs have homed in like bats on a sphinx moth on the word “facilities,” which to them of course means “bathrooms” and nothing else. So the drumbeat is about how this allows perverts to go into bathrooms previously reserved for the other sex and molest children. (You would think that by definition, perverts are interested in children of the same sex, but let that go.)
The laugh is that if keeping people out of opposite-sex bathrooms is discrimination, it’s discrimination based on sex. WHICH WAS ALREADY ILLEGAL.
Neither logic nor shame means anything to these people when they see an opportunity to extract some bucks from the faithful.
Of course the government is preventing her from exercizing her religion. As far as she is concerned, we all fall so short of God’s glory that we are condemned to hell and no amount of atonement, reparations, prayer or anything we can do can set us right with God. And people who have done things like engage in acts of teh ghey are in an even worse position.
However, if we accept the blood sacrifice of Christ Jesus, all is forgiven, because Jesus died for our sins.
Of course, to be able to prevent someone from living eternity in hell is one of the greatest deeds, indeed greatest religious duties, an evangelical (hence the name) has. Certainly, tough love is sometimes in order — if one acts as if it’s ok to be teh ghey and allows them to live where they want, for example, that doesn’t send them the message they need that they need to change their lives so that way they don’t burn eternally in hell.
For someone like Folger, for the state to prevent her from discriminating against gays, using whatever resources (including public property and public accomodations) to evangelize, etc., is hindering her from performing the loving act (huh-huh … he said “loving act” … huh huh) of preventing people from suffering eternally in hell.
The problem posed by the reactionary strain of evangelical Christianity in a religiously free society is that the only way such an evangelical really is able to excercize their religion is by granting them certain privileges that are tantamount to an establishment of religion — which establishment, interestingly, was most strongly opposed by the non-reactionary evangelicals of yester-centuries — and incompatable with secular society.
There is a real dilemma here that resonates with many people who, c.f. Obama’s ridiculed remarks, feel that their sense of privilege is being undermined and who turn to reactionary politics in an effort to keep such privilege. Of course, such privilege has no place in the democratic-republican society these people claim to champion in their pseudo-patriotism … I could go on and on about the sociology here, but there is a question of what to do about these people.
I think “martyrbaters” wins.
Jaysus H. Christ walks into a hotel. He throws a few nails on the counter and asks the clerk “Can you put me up for the night?”
Hey, whadya expect for free?
I, for one, applaud the new law allowing expanded use of bathrooms, or as I prefer to call them, Freedom Flush Foyers.
Can you, um, change diapers in these Freedom Flush Foyers?
clowntrodden is so, so awesome.
What a great comment thread!! And now I have to leave work and go home! Dammit….
I love “Red Sox Fan”….
Fauxpressed – I really like that.
clowntrodden is so, so awesome.
So I’ve discovered that it totally pays to be on vacation with nothing better to do than hang out online all day. Who knew?
This thread is teh awesome. Sacrificial ham, indeed.
Oh and: “We are handing out my book, “The Criminalization of Christianity,” and waiting for arrest.” I’m wondering if the book itself is a crime, or merely the proposed distribution method. I’m guessing sales aren’t too hot.
Some thoughts:
– having a mar-tantrum?
– martyrfakers
– marturds
and,
– crocksulkers
🙂 fun.
Martyrfucker.
But really, I like martyrbator the best.
Also, cocksucker is a compound word and neither half of that is really dirty.
*AHEM*
Many of us really, REALLY liked “The Crow” and have seen it many times.
You sir, are no Eric Draven…
mikey
Holy Trollers is pretty good.
So I’ve discovered that it totally pays to be on vacation with nothing better to do than hang out online all day.
Pays?
Myrnicators.
I used to live in Denver.
People are going to throw things at her.
Folgenators?
I may be reaching here, but if there’s money in it, I’m game.
> Many of us really, REALLY liked “The Crow” and have seen it many times.
I already explained the implicit valuation of Free Jokes. Holy Batman, Robin!
Obligatory Free Joke:
Q: What’s the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
Brandi wins with “Tartuffes”. Perfect.
close, but what about:
course, it’s hard to read, but even more fun to say.
or how about
or just plain
Pays?
Well, someone just brought me quaich of 20-year-old Glenrothes, so I’m gonna say yeah.
Crucifakes?
I’m still wondering about this part though…
signed into law SB 200 and turned public restrooms and locker rooms into a predator paradise where men can enter (and shower in) any female public facility
Colorado is starting to look pretty good.
SacriFarce
People are going to throw things at her.
And she’ll love it.
What she is expressing, to go all psych on ya’ll, is the rampant anxiety inherent in the fortress mentality of certain evangelical Christians.
Because it is about being “saved.” It’s about a mindset. They believe in faith, not works. So it’s not like Catholicism, where you can express and perform contrition, get absolution, and take a breather.
What this kind of Christian must do to avoid the eventual, and eternal, Lake o’ Fire, is believe with all their heart and soul. There must be no doubt.
I’ll repeat that, because it is both their hope and their curse.
There must be no doubt.
Unfortunately, this is antithetical to the human condition, wherein the more you tell someone not to think about pink elephants, the more they will do so.
And there they are.
They must ruthlessly prevent any outside influence from bringing doubts into their mind. (Thus, their oscillation between trying to cloister themselves away from doubt sowing, and the Lure of the World, which they try to sanitize.) Yet, either way, this is an impossible task.
So the only thing left is to show their Old Testament God how much they are suffering. It’s projection, sure, because these people really are suffering. But if they suffer enough (and here’s where the sado-masochism comes in) God will forgive those doubts that pop into their mind, unbidden, and they will not be thrown into the aforementioned Lake o’ Fire forever and ever.
At least, they hope so. Doubt, again.
At least, they hope so. Doubt, again.
Fortunately, there’s all those wingnut welfare $$$ to salve the tender souls.
Same as it ever was. Same as it ever was.
i gotta go with “fauxpressed” “sacrificial hams” and “the clowntrodden.”
I guess that should have been sacrifarcel lamb.
This thread rules.
Too many good ones to declare a winner.
Al Cryda.
Ok, this one’s not quite what was asked for, but it does refer to the right wing tactic of insisting on portraying themselves as victims while actively agitating for the right to discriminate against a minority group:
Oppresto-change-o!
As in: Homobigot? Just Folgerize yourself and OPPRESTO-CHANGE-O! Now you’re a Christian martard! Join the ranks of the clowntrodden and spew your bile in public! Whee!
…“We are handing out my book…
If I ever get a book published, I’ll kill myself before I utter this sentence…
mikey
“Squicktim” was actually painfully funny.
“Baptizzyists” is pretty cute though.
This thread sucks.
Because it only serves to remind me I’ll never be as funny or as smart as the vast majority of you bastards.
Al Cryda.
OK now that is just too funny.
Peggy-offed Sue got Martyred?
Conscientious projectors.
Blunderdogs.
No love for “Fauxmetheus Bound”?
Haters!!
Dollars to donuts, she tries to block traffic in order to specifically get arrested and then “legitimately” claim martyrdumb.
They’ve pulled that shit before. Remember, lying for Jesus is justifiable because it’s for the best possible cause in the universe.
The language about men being able to enter and shower in any public facility may be about permitting transsexuals to use the bathroom. It isn’t clear so there might be separate language elsewhere that spells it out more clearly. It’s a difficult issue for many but the fundies get really bent out of shape over it. The law might not even permit that but she might believe it does. Still, you’d think Colorado of all places would have worked this out long ago.
Quixotyrs
I frequently enter and shower in the library.
No problem so far…
mikey
A Peehadist
“Young man, if there is such a thing as a tartuffe, you are just that thing.
One more peep out of you and I’ll give you a sound trundling.”
– W.C. Fields, “You Can’t Cheat an Honest Man”
It’s important that people peepee and poopoo in the proper places.
We have trolls to remind us of these self evident trooths.
Other than tartuffe, which is great but not a neologism [heh … heh .. heh] I like Al Cryda (brilliant, and late in the competition too) and a modification of not that kind of doctor’s entry to martyrosclerotic.
But poutrage, poutraged, poutrageous – this has a chance of making the next OED. With a photo of The Malkinator trying to make her eyes bug out further than her nose.
Friggin Peevus Freaks, always turning water into whine.
They follow Prisstianity.
Mighty Martyr Powered Whiners.
No, I still like martyrbators best.
I also still think we can get them to call themselves the Morally Arrested.
Faketyrs.
I love ’em all, just like Jesus did.
Which reminds me of a story….
So Jesus was up there on the cross in perfect agony when a little bird flew over and landed on his shoulder. That gave Jesus an idea.
“Hey, little bird,” he whispered, “Pull that nail out of my hand.”
And the little bird did, allowing Jesus to stretch his arm and rotate his shoulder and otherwise shake the kinks out.
“Oh, yeah, that’s the ticket,” he sighed. “Now pull the nail out of my other hand.”
Which the little bird promptly did, allowing Jesus to stretch out his other arm, until…
“The feet!!!Get the feet!!!”
This joke tells better than it reads, due to the physicality (wave your arms, open your eyes real wide, fall forward, etc.). It’s a real killer for those quiet Good Fridays at the office.
Also, Tartuffe is pretty awesome too, but at first I thought it was Tartuffo which is way too good for these martyrbators.
Jesus is coming – quick, look busy!
Wow – this thread shines like champagne.
I’m partial to “Holy Trollers” & “martyrbators” myself.
WAHHHliban?
Salvation Smarmy?
Scorn-Agains?
Poseurlytizers?
Sullen Baptists?
Holy crap, folks, we’ve hit the mother of all mother-lodes!
Aquwhiners, the followers of St. Thomas hisself.
Well, it works with a Boston accent.
I call them stupid martyr-fuckers or Republican for short.
Dobsonites!
So. The words Sexual Orientation in conjunction with the concept of not being a dick reduces the TalEvangicals into quivering lumps of jelly.
Hmmm…
Don’t be a dick to people because of their sexual orientation. Don’t be a dick to people because of their sexual orientation. Don’t be a dick to people because of their sexual orientation. Don’t be a dick to people because of their sexual orientation. Don’t be a dick to people because of their sexual orientation. Don’t be a dick to people because of their sexual orientation. Don’t be a dick to people because of their sexual orientation. Don’t be a dick to people because of their sexual orientation. Don’t be a dick to people because of their sexual orientation. Don’t be a dick to people because of their sexual orientation. Don’t be a dick to people because of their sexual orientation. Don’t be a dick to people because of their sexual orientation. Don’t be a dick to people because of their sexual orientation. Don’t be a dick to people because of their sexual orientation. Don’t be a dick to people because of their sexual orientation. Don’t be a dick to people because of their sexual orientation. Don’t be a dick to people because of their sexual orientation. Don’t be a dick to people because of their sexual orientation. Don’t be a dick to people because of their sexual orientation. Don’t be a dick to people because of their sexual orientation. Don’t be a dick to people because of their sexual orientation. Don’t be a dick to people because of their sexual orientation. Don’t be a dick to people because of their sexual orientation. Don’t be a dick to people because of their sexual orientation. Don’t be a dick to people because of their sexual orientation. Don’t be a dick to people because of their sexual orientation. Don’t be a dick to people because of their sexual orientation. Don’t be a dick to people because of their sexual orientation. Don’t be a dick to people because of their sexual orientation. Don’t be a dick to people because of their sexual orientation, beotch!
Al Cryda is too funny and offensive not to use on a regular basis.
Boobtists.
First Apoplectic Church of God.
Church of the Nazireams.
And in honor of Teddy sHaggard: Hole-he Trollers.
Salvation Smarmy
Reminds me of a joke:
A man goes into a bra shop to buy his wife a bra.
Sales clerk: What kind of bra are you looking for?
Man: There’s different kinds? (Looking around, he sees that indeed there are many different colors and styles.)
Clerk: It seems bewildering, but there are really only three basic kinds: Catholic, Salvation Army, and Baptist.
Man: (More befuddled than ever) How so?
Clerk: The Catholic bras support the masses. The Salvation Army bra bears up the fallen. And the Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.
Jehovah’s Twitnesses
First Assembly of OMFG!!!!!111!!!
WAHHHliban
That is pure GOLD.
I wish that I was a funny person so I didn’t always fall back on “fucktard”.
Fucktard is good.
Fucktard works
mikey
Our bathrooms, let us show them to you.
PS–Utah is rightfully ours, running pig dogs.
Janet Folger’s stupid book presumably does not propose a commercial transaction, so she can sell or give it to anybody that will put up with it.
Oh, yeah, well, what if my book title was “Buy This Book If You Hate Fags?”
Go ahead, crucify me. I knoe you want to.
Why are the italics tags persecuting me? Knot to mention my spelling.
I guess I shoulda used that “preview” feautre. Well, I didn’t. So go ahead! BURN me at the stake!
Oh, yeah, well, what if my book title was “Buy This Book If You Hate Fags?”
I’m pretty sure that’s still protected speech. Unless you were unwilling to sell it to the fags.
I wouldn’t buy it but, you know, I have taste.
Martyr wanquée.
Fundanoids?
Smiling Mortician said,
Well, someone just brought me quaich of 20-year-old Glenrothes, so I’m gonna say yeah.
Bastard. You have very good friends.
Salutations to all the contributors. Fine work by all.
Zealouts.
Fartyrs is the best one so far, but it’s too blatant. How about “fauxrtyrs”?
She thinks she’s a public accommodation. Maybe that’s a new term for “village idiot”.
It’s an old term for the Town Whore, back when towns were small and minds were smaller. Ergo,asking our Fauxrtyr-of-the-Day “What, you think you’re some kind of *public accommodation*?” would probably inspire poutraged wails of a volume and velocity to set every dog within a three-mile radius to howling. Just a suggestion…
We call them Obi Wan Tobies.
Are we voting? I’m voting:
Poutraged (entering the blogospheric vocabulary as I type, or ought to be), sacrificial ham (hee!), martyrbators.
Y’all are smart & funny, and I wish these…idiots…would realize how unfair it is to decide people shouldn’t get to pee or sleep in a house because of who they love or what body they’re in. Bastards.
Persecuties
Fauxmentors
The downtwattin’
The presecuted
Atwatsles
Crucitwits
Hope she doesn’t forget to pack her harmonica. Helps pass the time in the cell and all.
…believe the biblical view that homosexuality is a sin.
Well, that’s ONE Biblical view but it’s certainly not the ONLY Biblical view. Why don’t these people get that? Their interpretation of the Bible is not the only one, and there are plenty of mainstream Christians who believe otherwise. That is why we don’t teach YOUR theology in our schools, because YOURS ISN’T THE ONLY ONE!
How fucking hard is that to get?
Disinjizzuits
Troll-lops
Contravershills
How fucking hard is that to get?
But, but, but. Look my personal relationship with God is the only correct one so everybody should have exactly the same personal relationship with God as I do.
You’ll note that it’s not Freedom of Religion, it’s Freedom of My Religion.
So if that’s the case, WTF is their problem with Ahmad-no queers in Iran-ineajad? Clearly all this saber-rattling and war mongering at Iran is more persatzcution of Christians. I look forward to her harnessing all that poutrage against Richard Perle.
Is it mentioned anywhere but Leviticus? And exactly how does a man lay with another man as he would a woman? Are we talking some Old Testament sex position or what?
However, in the “good old days” the Bible could be and was used to justify all sorts of bullshit. Like keeping Little Miss Can’t Read shut up in a kitchen … but it was still wrong.
Now hating on teh ghey is about all they’ve got left because the rest are too inconvenient to follow. I mean, if the TalEvan followed the prohibition against marrying women who’ve already been married their population would be a fuck of a lot smaller.
Is it mentioned anywhere but Leviticus?
Yes.
Obviously, it is not enough for Janel Folger to be dumb as fxxk in private, she really has to give repeated demonstrations of it in public. It would be really enteraining to have her stand at, say, Pier 39 in SF, or, even better, in the French Quarter of New Orleans ranting and raving…heck, I would even provide her with food and throw some pennies!
Still taking suggestions?
Cruciphiles?
The Crucifixated?
Also, Munchausen Syndrome by Politics.
Children of Birmingham.
Well since X is commonly used to denote the cross, Cruciphiles might not be a great idea, but while we’re fiddling with cruciforms:
Crucifornication
3-hour Cruise-ifix
Crucifix-er-upper
Crucify on goodness “Unmolested!”
Crew-As If-ix
Is Perpetuawannabes too obscure?
And exactly how does a man lay with another man as he would a woman? Are we talking some Old Testament sex position or what? – Arky – Sexual Orient Express
Arky, are you, in spite of your use of the phrase “Old Testament”, a fellow Member of the Tribe?
I know this is kind of a parody and stereotype of belief systems but it sometimes seems that Christians, influenced by Paul, read the “Five Books of Moses” (or any set of laws) and think “well, we’ll never be able to follow these laws entirely, so screw it, I’m not even going to bother to figure out what they mean … it’s all useless, legalistic mumbo-jumbo anyway … laws are teh stupid”. OTOH, Jews read these prohibitions and ask “nu? which lyings?” (the literal translation of the Hebrew is “mankind should not engage in the lyings with mankind as with womankind, it is a toevah” or something incredibly awkward like that … and then there is the whole issue of what in tarnation is a “toevah”, which is usually translated as “abomination” — although it is not the same word used in the prohibition against seafood … shrimp are prohibited because they are disgusting …) “and why is the language so convoluted?”. Some of us liberal Jews therefore go on and ask “nu? if God wanted us not to engage in teh hawt ghey sex, why didn’t She just say so?” and start to research what this statute would mean in context ….
But if you believe we’re all teh evil sinners, you don’t look to carefully to try and figure out how you’re sinning, now do you?
FWIW — the answer to your question is that “the lyings with women” refer to anal and PIV sex. Obviously, two men can’t have PIV sex, so what is actually prohibited is for two men to have anal sex … well, maybe (there are other principles of halacha which could imply that if someone is ‘naturally’ attracted to men, this halacha doesn’t apply) not. But as they say CYLHA (“consult your local halachic authority”) …
Take note transhumanists! There’s absolutely nothing in the bible forbidding sex with machinery (although various wet blankets think Onan’s problem was shooting his sperm all over the place instead of following orders).
Therefore it is not a sin to have sex with a machine that looks and behaves exactly the way the box turtle of your dreams does.
Pisstianity
the kvetched of the earth
kwik-e-martyr
“Smartyr”?
1 Corinthians 14:34-35:
Got vagina? SHUT THE FUCK UP IN CHURCH AND YOUR MAN WILL EXPLAIN IT WHEN YOU GET HOME. THIS MEANS YOU JANET.*
*It doesn’t really say that last part.
Ain’ts? Cause they’re phony saints?
Shouldn’t she be in jail already for saying “Merry Christmas” to people last December? I’m sure Bill O’Reilly said that the holiday had been declared illegal.
Okay, I’m bored.
Oh, by the way . . . I doubt very, very much if there are any criminal penalties attached to this statute. So even if she finds a way to violate it (most unlikely as previously explained), somebody will have to go to the trouble of getting an injunction against her, and she will have to violate that, before she can attain her objective of getting thrown in the clink. Unless the Colorado courts work at the speed of light, she will be standing on that corner for months and months before the paddy wagon comes for her.
Janet, I’m sure that Jesus deeply admires your self-pity and bigotry.
And the fact that he completely forgot to mention homosexuality in all his sermons was just an unfortunate oversight.
Keep up the good work!
I’m not certain what to call them, but the condition should be known as stigmatosis
Nope, just a smart ass who likes to poke holes in crap that makes no sense. RB provides a link that demonstrates why. Look at the story of Lot. He’s got guests, the neighbors come by for a welcome wagon gang bang. Lot says “Oh no, I can’t let you do that. Tell you what, take my virgin daughters instead.”
And Lot’s the hero of this tale? Yuck.
And of course there’s what Lot’s daughters did because they thought there was no one else in the world. But the TalEvan ignores daddy who would have tossed his children to the perverts and his pervy kids, focuses on teh gang raping locals and conflates them with people who aren’t psycho.
It’s the TalEvan in a nutshell, really.
Sanctimoany
Moanastics.
Arky and everyone else:
If you haven’t seen Brad Neely’s “Professor Brothers” animation on this you pretty much need to.
I will suggest a slight tweak on ‘would be-suses’: wannabesuses.
Maybe someone beat me to it. I just wish I hadn’t drunk all that cough syrup this morning.
hypocondriots
martyrideen
sado-martyrchistic
Many outstanding nominees. Thanks to all. My vote goes for “poutraged”.
And exactly how does a man lay with another man as he would a woman?
By snoring and stealing the duvet.
Hey, you try taking a shower in the fountain at the mall and see how you get treated.
Whatever. I like scallops. Sue me.
Torture is justified for enemy cohabitants.
Shh…don’t tell anybody, but I’m on the down-low.
“Jump down, get off your fucking cross. We need that fucking space–to nail the next fool martyr!”
I publish discriminatory shit all the time, and have never once been threatened with legal sanctions as a result. The difference between Janet Folger and me, apparently, is that I don’t discriminate against people who approach me for a service. I don’t counsel that public (or private) facilities discriminate, either.
Even if I did, however, it’s pretty unlikely that the police would kick my door in and drag me off to a re-education camp as a result.
Fuck; they just don’t make martyrs the way they used to.
Hmm, so just like many other states, Colorado has a statute regarding discrimination based on sexual orientation.
I don’t see the word “homosexuality” anywhere in there, do you?
The fact is that everyone has a sexual orientation. And you may not be denied certain rights or privileges based on your sexual orientation under those statutes. That means no one can discriminate against you because you’re straight, by the way.
I’m sure Janet has mentioned this, yes? She hasn’t?!!!
I hate it when all the good stuff is taken.
Effin’ eeuw-vangelicals! They’ll let people of both sexes use their guest bathroom, but the thought of both sexes using the same toilets in the Whole Paycheck Supermarket just freaks them out. Go figure….
ZP – Jan and her pals are sexually disoriented. they can’t stop obsessing over the fact that some people actually like sex and don’t view it as a shameful function that is dirtier than urinating or defecating.*
Naturally this makes them a tad cranky and confused.
*No offense to people who like to combine all three. Just don’t tell me about it. K? Thx.
“We are handing out my book, “The Criminalization of Christianity,” and waiting for arrest. It may be that next week’s column will be written from a jail cell.”
Fauxpression is good for the vanity press industry, at least.
kmartyr
Holy Depresbyterian Batman! This bullshit is spreading through the intrawebs like a flood of raw sewage.
Stigmatimaginists
You know, I’m no expert, but I’m pretty sure quite a lot of those Nazis, KKK members, and/or skinheads certainly do consider themselves Christian.
Is she going to build a jail cell for herself if no one will put her in a real one?
As for the neologism, I like “martyrbation”
Straw Jesus Argument.
You can burn it and nail it to a cross.
Damn, those look too fun not to try….
“Poutlaw Janet Wails”
…sorry, that’s all I got!
straw cross
Visitor from the future here! In 2015, “martyrbator” is still absolutely brill, and I’m still trying to spread the joy of it. I forgot who said it first, and Smut Clyde found this thread, and I just wanted to hop out of my flying car (which folds up as a briefcase that weighs five pounds, thank you) and thank tigrismus for it another time, because I’ve gotten so much mileage out of it.
(The word. The car’s a piece of crap, but that’s another znargh, which is our “modern” word for story.)
(The word, that is. The car’s a piece of crap, but that’s another znargh, which is our “modern” word for story.)