Department Of Public Affairs*

The Bad Boys,
One-a Dem Gummint Yards,

June 23, 2008

National Association of Police Organizations,
317 South Patrick Street,
Virginia 22314

Dear Sirs and Madams,

Some time has passed since your query first reached our desk, and we wish at once to reassure you as to the careful and detailed consideration it has undergone, through various internal committees and in a number of fact-finding initiatives. Indeed, your repeated and ongoing entreaties seem to imply a perceived lack of interest on our part, and we hope it is to your relief and satisfaction to learn that the dilatory nature of our response is due exclusively to the great care and attention with which we have considered it.

This brings us directly to the first item. Simply, sirs and madams of law enforcement, the apparently ceaseless crescendo that your request has reached, its trumpeting repetition at all hours on cable and satellite television, has led us well to appreciate the claim that police naw give you no break.

The effect on our well-being has been noticeable. We should like to reserve special mention for Sheriff John Brown, whose coming has been heralded with such spectacular fanfare that we feel a clawing unease as each new sunset finds him still on his dawdling way. Truly, sirs and madams, it has lately begun to seem to us as though naw soldier-mon, naw even we i-dren — indeed, at times, that nobody — naw give us no break.

Our second item is by way of explanation. As you say, despite any troubling proclivities that we might have displayed at a young age, the public education system taught us to do unto others as we would have others do unto ourselves, such that the reasons for our unwise behavior might easily seem unclear. Nonetheless, we have come to believe that it is necessary, in life, to give vent to the choleric passions (e.g., activities including robbin’, stobbin’, lootin’, and a-shootin’), and perhaps here is the nexus of our disagreement, for we remain unconvinced as to the utility of relaxation as a counterstrategy.

Thus we come to the answer toward which you have so zealously inquired. Our intention, since you ask, is to chuck it on that one, to chuck it on this one, to do likewise to various mothers and fathers, to similarly treat an array of brothers and sisters, to once again chuck it on that one, and then to chuck it on Mr. Calton Coffie, until 1995 the lead vocalist of the reggae ensemble, Inner Circle. Our intention as to Coffie’s replacement, Kris Bentley, is to chuck it on him.

We hope this clears things up and look forward to finally meeting Sheriff John Brown, should he not continue, as it seems, to be held up by other commitments.

Best Wishes,
The Bad Boys

P.S.: Yuh nuh know seh wi nuh give a damn if dem hate wi.

* Cf.


Comments: 41


hilarious, Gav. In the fine tradition of McSweeney’s:

Attention, all law enforcement in the region:

I realize many of you have become cynical about the all-points bulletins issued for dangerous criminals. I’m sure you think they’re essentially all the same and that only the names have changed. But I urge you to pay close attention in your pursuit of Mr. Jon Bon Jovi. He’s wanted. Wanted dead or live.

Hi, Axl,

Just got your manuscript and demo for the song “Sweet Child O’ (sic) Mine.” I think we need to talk. As your editor, I am responsible for making your songs as cogent as possible, for helping them reach the high editorial standards your public has come to expect. With this one, I am certainly earning my keep. After several attempts to reach you by phone, I am sending along my notes. Please make appropriate fixes as soon as possible, at which point I can send them to copyediting and proofreading in time for your upcoming studio session.

She’s got a smile that, it seems to me—Why equivocate? You weaken your point by framing this as a mere personal observation instead of a fact.


Boston (and surrounding area) Sadlys — last chance to send me your e-mail addys (or you’ll like, miss out and stuff). E-mail me at marita at mit dot edu.

Also, for gratuitous spousal promotion, anyone who wants to do something nice for Gav can look here, here or here. Just sayin’.

Dragon-King Wangchuck

Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery;
None but ourselves can free our minds

Dragon-King Wangchuck

I and I will see you through.


Freedom of choice
Is what you got
Freedom from choice
Is what you want

In Ancient Rome
There was a dog
who had two bones
He sniffed the one
He sniffed the other
He ran in circles
till he fell dead

Freedom of choice
Is what you got
Freedom from choice
Is what you want

Freedom of choice!


Hi Marita.

Those are nice places and all, but by any chance is Gavin registered here?



Oh Mikey, I’m afraid not. My father might have a wishlist there, but not Gav. The closest thing to a weapon on our registries are very very sharp knives, for what it’s worth.


The closest thing to a weapon on our registries are very very sharp knives, for what it’s worth.

A properly-trained blogger can kill with an ordinary sandwich.


Maybe you guys should be registered here?


An angry man is a funny man!


You’re right, Bubba. Gav is dangerous with a Sammich. Last guy who tried to mess with us, Gav just p’shopped an anvil in over his head. It was over fast.

I’m also pretty handy with my goalie stick, in ways that most people (on or off the ice) wouldn’t see coming. 🙂


Last guy who tried to mess with us, Gav just p’shopped an anvil in over his head.

Avoid Acme products! I cannot stress that enough.


I would like to be of an comment on the post, plz.

It weres an awesomeness!

Hysterical, actually.

Thanks, and thanks.





I’m guessing you’ve all been smoking a little in honor of the fallen Carlin, yes?


I’m also pretty handy with my goalie stick

Another in the series of phrases sure to be misinterpreted if I say them…



Dear Righteous Bubba and Mikey,

As is custom by all internet traditions, of which we are aware, you owe me a new keyboard and monitor. For future reference, green tea stains. Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter.




I’ve never been the bogarting type so you can has some of my Bob Marley stash.


Hey, stupid liberal poopheads! YOU SUCK! Bush rules! The economy is awesome! We are winning in Iraq, moral values are back, leftist science is the new Lysenkoism and the Heartland rises! Your boy Osama is a looser!

Doctor Missus Marita

This parody troll is pretty weak sauce. Note to parody troll: pick one rant at a time and draw it out a little. Inform us of some new ‘facts’. Extoll the virtues of the current administration. Spread it out over a few comments. Don’t just blow your whole load in one short paragraph.



The fact is, shut up Doctor Missus Marita.

Doctor Missus Marita

That’s better, right to the point, stuck to one subject, and still have some ammo left for your next post. The fact is, I’m impressed.


The fact is, calling me a poophead and saying “bush rules” is too clear a giveaway. It’s like you’re just phoning it in…



Teh fact iz. i hz it.


You could also repeat everything fifty or sixty times in the same post but that woul;d be parody troll parodying. Or theft of e-persona. Or something.

+1 on getting ‘poop’ in there, though.


I am at the top of turmoil frog wavered, and beads of race fell on my face and abundant water modesty, which spilled for the first time… Perhaps it is the latter.


Sonds like someone needs to add ‘The Bukkit’ to their wedding registry.

Doctor Missus Marita

Oh noes! I’m not sure if I was just insulted or not! I’m going to guess I was.

Hmph. I already has a bukkit.


They say that when they chose ‘Bad Boys’ as a little fascist anthem, they met with some resistance simply on the basis of it being reggae. You know – urban.

It’s a pity Obama isn’t what the righty Whities think he is; it wouldn’t be half what they deserve.

Pere O. D. Troll

Top McCain adviser says “terrorist attack on US would be good for McCain” Now that’s going over the line but what does O’Bambi do? Does he demand that the guy resign or get fired, as is proper? Noooo. We might well ask why.

Because the guy is BLACK, that’s why. They always stick together! Take, for the prime example, the OJ travesty of justice.

This ep[isode proves once again not only that O’Bambi can’t take the heat, but that he’s not really interested in fairness and justice, race will always prevail.

Pere O. D. Troll

See how I include links and facts and everything? You can’t argue the facts you elitist pricks.


Spartacus Leathers has a very limited selection. I would register with Details or Extreme Restraints.


Now that is some quality trolling. Well done, Mr. Pere!


I would register with Details or Extreme Restraints.
So vanilla. All the cool couples these days are branding each other with electrostatic generators.
Or so I heard.

Electric Dragon

Subj: crew

I wish to apologise for the behaviour of my crew over the last twenty four hours. One crew member and his grandson had been without shore leave for some time, and consequently went a little bit “overboard” last night. I understand that they frequented many of the public houses of Nassau town, and imbibed somewhat overheavily, and that this led to a bout of fisticuffs with the locals.

As you are aware, my own vessel has not been unharmed by this incident. The constant hoisting up and setting of the mainsail has caused a certain amount of damage to the halyard, with consequent risk of luffing. The first mate, I believe, is still detained in the town gaol following his drunken breaking into of my trunk, and the chef is in the hospital with what the doctor says is maize poisoning. All of these shenanigans led to a number of calls for me to go ashore.

Please inform me as to when the chef is likely to be well enough to travel, and what procedure I need to follow to get the first mate released from incarceration. This will be of much succour to the rest of the crew, who are all complaining about homesickness and the overall quality of this voyage.

Captain Wilson.

Rugged in Montana

Note to parody troll: pick one rant at a time and draw it out a little.

Take pelicans, for instance. No, seriously, take them. Those bloodsucking vampires rule the skies over Montana and you LIE-bruls do NOTHING. The USA of America is being ruined by that and badger-spread rabies and you think electing a colored fella is gonna help matters? The President of the Heartland, George Willard Bush, being the jet pilot hero of the Battle of Iraq is the only candidate that is qualified for sky-bound pelican warfare, which is why I’m voting for him rather than Hitlery, who as a black man, has no jet pilot experience.


Ha ha. I get it.


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