New Wingnut of the Week: The Pilot Episode
Returning to snark, and in what we hope to be a regular Sunday feature, we bring you this week’s “New Wingnut of the Week.” Today’s NWOTW comes highly recommended by John J. Miller, the guy who created the list of the 50 Greatest Conservative Rock Songs at America’s Shittiest Website™, so you know this is one primo recommendation.
Let’s have the winner tell you a little bit about himself first:
[NWOTW] is a failed screenwriter living in L.A. hanging onto hope without the talent to justify it. Maybe by society’s standards he’s a loser — maybe even by his mothers [sic — we assume NWOTW has only one mother] — but someone unemployed 6 years who still has a tin roof over his head and bootlegged cable is no piker. While the winners enjoy their commutes and quiet desperation, [NWOTW] likes to wake at the crack of noon, blog and porn from the library, see his “doctor” about his “disability,” and write about himself in the third person.
Well, that’s quite a curriculum vitae: apostrophe-challenged failed screenwriter, loser, unemployed, disowned by parents, porn addict, cable thief and disability cheat. So what do you think Harry does in his hours and hours of spare time, other than watch porn in his underwear? Why, he writes “conservative movie reviews.” Yes, indeedy, he does. And his nom de blog is “Dirty Harry,” which is odd since Dirty Harry probably would load a few rounds into this disability cheat and cable thief if he found him in an alley. But that’s another story.*
So, Dirty Harry, take a bow and take it away with your review of Pixar’s Wall-E:
For all its charms and wonders, one moment sticks in my head and, well, craw. It also confuses me. Why? Why go there? Other than the dark chuckles from the liberal critics around me, what’s to gain? And other than a lack of self-control or hubris on the filmmakers’ part, there’s no explaining it. But they did it. They actually had the President (Fred Willard) say about his failed mission, “Stay the course.”
Have we lost Pixar? Have we lost the wonderful studio who brought us The Incredibles and Ratatouille to Bush Derangement Syndrome? Here you have a winning streak going back ten-years, enormous amounts of public goodwill, equal amounts of credibility as serious storytellers, and they stop things cold, yanking you out of the story with the liberal nonsense. Quite a disappointment.
I think our touchy critic is setting the bar for BDS pretty low here. One little joke about Our Glorious Leader and it’s proof that Pixar has come down with a frothing-at-the-mouth, banging-head-on-cement-blocks, wild-eyed-shrieking-banshee case of BDS. How dare they? What will the children think?
At first there’s not much of an environmental message. The piles of garbage covering our planet come off as nothing more than a good idea to set up a cool alt-version of our world and the lead character. Unfortunately, this doesn’t last.
Fucking liberals. First they put in a naughty line about our President, and then they go and suggest that being swamped in our own refuse and garbage is a bad thing.
The humans are introduced as meaty, lazy, chair-bound consumers who live in a world run by a large corporation. The message about our consumerism, sloth, and addiction to visual stimulus is eventually beaten like a drum.
Naturally Harry takes accusations of sloth rather personally.
This may well be the fifth or sixth movie this year to depict our government as taken over by a corporation – as though that would be a bad thing.
Words fail. Really.
Anyway, that wraps up our pilot episode of NWOTW. If you have any suggestions for next week’s award recipient, email them to me at clif (the little at thingy) outsidethetent and then, you know, period com. If your nominee for NWOTW is used, then you’ll win something like, maybe, a free download of Firefox 3 or a lifetime subscription to “The Corner.” And remember, to be eligible, the NWOTW must not have previously been given the S,N! treatment.
* Gavin adds: Due to the site design at Libertas, the daily wrongness-dispenser of the Liberty Film Festival, there’s been trouble, historically, in figuring out which writer there is Jason Apuzzo, and which are Apuzzo epigones (if the world can contain such a thing, as it apparently can). Note, for example, the lack of a named post author here. This problem became somewhat less troublesome not long ago when Dirty Harry was allegedly kicked off the site. We look forward to a successful solo career. Another version of his personal bio is at the third link above. Which version is true? We think it’s not an either/or, but more of a both/and.
Wonderful! A most worthy winner for a most worthy award.
I think there needs to be some kind of additional categorization, here.
You know, something that might help us, the readership, differentiate between the New Wingnut of the Week and Just Another Stupid Asshole.
Huh?
Oh.
Carry on…
mikey
Love the comments at the review. Here’s one:
That’s what being a conservative moviegoer is like. You’re always slightly tensed up, waiting for the kick.
god, it must suck to be a conservative. You live your lives in fear that at any moment, your entire well-being is going to be impacted by….a joke in a cartoon movie.
Well, that’s quite a curriculum vitae: apostrophe-challenged failed screenwriter, loser, unemployed, disowned by parents, porn addict, cable thief and disability cheat.
And an impressive embodiment of the conservative values of personal responsibilities!
In one scene of the movie “Idiocracy” a moron has a barcalounger with a toilet built in so he doesn’t even have to get up from in front of the teevee. I bet Dirty Harry is on the waiting list for one of those. Oh Japanese, will you manufacture them in time for Christmas???
Nice art work. Not only does the viewer have his bowl of Cheetos, but
the tv has ITS own bowl, too. And that’s everybody!
As fantastic as this wingnut is, I’m more awestruck by that list of “conservative rock songs.” Really had to stretch on a couple of those. “Rime of the Ancient Mariner” is based on the poem, so it’s conservative? Makes sense to me.
Have we lost the wonderful studio who brought us The Incredibles and Ratatouille to Bush Derangement Syndrome?
Pixar’s in California so it may even be Reagan Derangement Syndrome. Those liberals can’t let go.
We’d give DirtyHairySpice a job, if he didn’t suck so much.
Have we lost the wonderful studio who brought us The Incredibles and Ratatouille to Bush Derangement Syndrome?
Wait. I’m still trying to parse this sentence.
The studio brought the Incredibles to us and stewed vegetables to bush derangement syndrome?
I give up…
mikey
Wait — so you want us to go out and find more of these guys?
I was referring to “Stay the course” but fuckety fuck.
Glad to see Harry is getting the attention his critical acumen deserves. We did a little bit on his reaction to the pending Red Dawn remake over at World o’ Crap, but I had no idea he blogged from a library! Quelle fancy!
A couple of questions, though: If you’re a conservative who’s getting the government to subsidize your porn consumption, does that make you feel more guilty than you ordinarily would about whacking off to I Spy Cameltoe.com? And does that make the eventual, furtive ejaculation into a used McDonald’s sack you found in a trash can outside the branch library all the sweet, sweet, sweeter?
Just wondering about the politics of the whole thing…
That’s a nice artist’s conception.
It looks like ancient Beavis.
On a related note, how the hell is it even possible that Wall-E has already come out?
Without being insensitive to those with disabilities, can I just ask one thing?
How is it that someone whose supposed profession is WRITING has become so disabled that he is no longer capable of sitting down in front of a computer and WRITING, which allows him to collect disability payments and spend his days in front of the computer WRITING?
Just askin’.
Pretty sure it’s a MENTAL disability, g…
mikey
Come to thunk of it, pr0ning from the lieberry sounds a bit creepy.
Actually, wasn’t “stay the course” originally a Reaganism?
god, it must suck to be a conservative. You live your lives in fear that at any moment, your entire well-being is going to be impacted by….a joke in a cartoon movie.
See, that’s the thing. These people aren’t “conservatives” in any sense of the word; they’re professional victims. They simply graft that label onto themselves because of the (erroneous) notion that “conservatives” are all about being responsible. Ergo, if they call themselves “conservatives”, it’s not WHINING when they bitch about how everything isn’t the way they think it should be and they don’t always get their way; it’s merely responsibly pointing out the shortcomings of the rest of the world in not ensuring that everything is the way they think it should be and in not making sure they get their way. In short, they project like the octoplex down at the mall.
Joe Max – it was a Bush the first-ism. He coupled it with his “don’t change horses in mid-stream” campaign pitch.
Jennifer: I remember it mostly as a Reaganism but Stay the the course has been around for a while.
Paging Roy Edroso, paging Roy Edroso to this post….
g, I think porn addiction *is* a disabilitiy.
He’s the feel-good blogger of the Summer!
Oh Japanese, will you manufacture them in time for Christmas???
I think you mean the Chinese.
Thomas S. Hibbs on the new Get Smart. Money quote: “In a nearly perfect inversion of Feldon, Hathaway combines the model of the hyper-sophisticated careerist woman with a teeny-bopper quality in the arena of romance.”
Emily Karrs on the American Girl merchandising empire. Money quote: “Aside from a few weirdly out-of-place double entendres and a startling New Deal endorsement to “steal from the rich and give to the poor,” the movie is as wholesome and innocent as Vitamin D milk.”
I don’t know if they’re S,N! wingnut virgins.
Well, it could be a mental disability. Schizophrenia, for example, is pretty much an automatic if you want it to be. But it doesn’t have to be. I could make a reasonable living writing if it weren’t for the migraineclusterfuck complex I live with, which makes the concept of concentrating to the end of a page difficult if not near impossible. (Between the pain and the nausea and the double/blurry vision, there are days I couldn’t read, let alone review, a board book.)
On the other hand, rather than hit the taxpayer for my support, I’ve done the conservative values thing and whored myself to one person for room and board. It seems to work okay. My partner gets sporadic laundry and cleaning and cooking, and I get to live in a home that doesn’t say “Frigidaire” on the side.
My partner gets sporadic laundry and cleaning and cooking
And it certainly deserves to be said, in Sidhe’s case, this is NOT your grammaw’s cooking…
mikey
They actually had the President (Fred Willard) say about his failed mission, “Stay the course.”
That’s right Harry, and for three generations that phrase will be used as a quick and easy way to identify evil and arrogant leadership.
So much for the ‘war of ideas’, eh Harry?
Oh and I’m sure FDR says, “You’re welcome for the safety net.”
I’m sure YOU think you are “getting away” with “IT” , but I think the rest of us feel much better knowing that you have something to do with your hands that doesn’t involve you having to go out into the streets.
see his “doctor” about his “disability,”
The NTOTW also has comma issues.
I think maybe doctor means guy and disability means supply, going by people I’ve met who otherwise fit Harry’s self-description but don’t write conservative movie reviews.
OT: when candy design goes horribly, horribly wrong.
It just occured to me – those literally are a bag of dicks.
Maybe by society’s standards he’s a loser
MAYBE?
Even if all he says about himself is true, he wouldn’t necessarily be a loser (at least not with a capital “L”) if he could write clever, unpredictable commentary.
But having
kittenscougars over a very, very small joke at Bush’s expense is about as BORING as it gets.Except the part where we beat on him with it, of course. THAT’S funny.
I like his “top 5 western moments”, and can’t wait for the follow-up: “r-rememmer when DeNiro said ‘Did you fuck my wife?’ That was cool.”
“Hey!” say the Liberty Film Guyz, “Let’s do some of that kewl ‘satire’ stuff, where we make up a sockpuppet reviewer but — get this! — we give the sockpuppet all those luzer skillz what the Libruls say is bad about us True Patriotic Americans(tm)!”…
Antic japes ensue!
Which leads me to two observations:
(1) Will Joe-Bob Briggs sue for schtick infringement, or does he not want his name (further) associated in any way with this bagful of dicks?
(2) To use an idiom their tiny minds can appreciate: How is it possible for the Liberty Film Guys to both suck and blow at the same time?
“This may well be the fifth or sixth movie this year to depict our government as taken over by a corporation – as though that would be a bad thing.”
Is he suggesting it would be a good thing? What the fuck?
O.K. maybe I’m just thick here, but how can you be an unemployed, stealing disability, uses the library computers, porn connoisseur (looking up porn in the library? ICK!) and call yourself a conservative? Doesn’t your very existence stand opposed to everything you believe in? I guess it’s all just to nuanced and serious for me to grasp.
“On first glance, rock ’n’ roll music isn’t very conservative…” anymore than liberalism is fascism. Oh wait!
This guy was a Hollywood Elsewhere wet blanket for a while. Here’s his response to the death of Maharishi Mahesh Yogi:
Dirty Harry [TypeKey Profile Page] says …
60’s Baby Boomers are so self-deluded and narcissistic they seem to have missed the fact that the term “Me Generation,” isn’t a compliment.
The only young people worth a shit in the late 60s were those working for Civil Rights, especially in the Deep South.
The rest just left us with a legacy of drug addictions and social diseases still blowing holes through millions of lives. And let’s not forget the holocaust in Southeast Asia… 2 million dead little brown people dead as a direct result of the anti-war crowd getting what they wanted. Sound familiar…?
Check out the insightful comments on the Iowa floods over at Libertas:
Seems white folks got it covered.
We come in many flavors!
He has comments open on his profile page.
It’s possible Rick Moran might’ve taken too long accepting my love.
Ahm a gunna gay marry Dirty Harry n becum a citizen!
Speaking of which, if I were gay and not in a relationship in Cali, I’d marry an illegal to give em citizenship and write Lou Dobbs about it.
2 million dead little brown people dead as a direct result of the anti-war crowd getting what they wanted.
Yeah, goddamit. If we had just left a hundred thousand troops, our B-52s, artillery and agent orange in S Vietnam for a couple more years, hell, babe, we coulda DOUBLED that body count…
mikey
Love the lighthouses. That’ll go out to the friends.
For no good reason it made me think of the jello San Francisco.
Our NWOTW can now safely go eat a bag of dicks – as though that would be a bad thing.
Speaking of which, if I were gay and not in a relationship in Cali, I’d marry an illegal to give em citizenship and write Lou Dobbs about it.
An Iraqi guy looking for immigration advice found me on Skype. I mentioned that there were more ways to marry into immigration status these days and he was very amused.
Alas, I am simply not convenient enough to rake in the gay marriage bux.
OT, but as long as we’re posting cocks…
Come to thunk of it, pr0ning from the lieberry sounds a bit creepy.
I think someone should alert the local authorities.
Thanks for the link.
And welcome, minions!
I’d dubious about the artist’s conception. The guy has curtains on his windows! I think real wingnuts have a sheet thumbtacked oer the window. Or a tattered US flag. Or maybe cardboard filling in the broken panes. But Drapes AND Sheers? I don’t think so.
Chris Muir needs instruction on buttock drawing.
Lesley –
Chris Muir: How do I drawn anatomy?
Rob Liefeld: I dunno, lol
Or perhaps a confederate flag-curtain.
Drapes AND Sheers? I don’t think so.
He’s living under his MOTHER’s “tin roof.”
She put the curtains up, but for some reason doesn’t object to him eating Cheetos in the living room.
C’mon, Mom. A little tough love here.
That chix butt in the Day by Day cartoon looks exactly like the trunk lid of a Boxster….
mikey
Okay, so since when is “porn” a verb?
Jennifer is on fire here today. First this:
These people aren’t “conservatives” in any sense of the word; they’re professional victims. They simply graft that label onto themselves because of the (erroneous) notion that “conservatives” are all about being responsible. Ergo, if they call themselves “conservatives”, it’s not WHINING when they bitch about how everything isn’t the way they think it should be and they don’t always get their way; it’s merely responsibly pointing out the shortcomings of the rest of the world in not ensuring that everything is the way they think it should be and in not making sure they get their way. In short, they project like the octoplex down at the mall.
…which is cherce. Then the bag o’ dicks.
I’d only add to the above that they buttress (heh heh. I said “butt”) their “arguments” is by alluding to an imaginary past, its glories and triumphs and shit like that. That’s what makes them think, “Huh. I am a conservative.”
That, plus the pretentious/bonehead prose stylings, in which they mimic their elders and betters and feel all “mature,” “sardonic,” and “witty” as a consequence.
Delete that “is.” I know you know I didn’t mean it.
I didn’t even realize that she was supposed to be lying on her stomach and that was supposed to be her ass for about a good minute and a half. It was like one of those computer paintings that you’re supposed to stare at for five minutes (in which I can never see the fucking picture either).
On the bright side, I’m off to the store for a bag of Gummi Dicks!
I’m with Oregon Guy – it took me two trips to realize that she even *had* buttocks, let alone how badly drawn (or unfortunately inherited) they were!
Muir prefers backsides that resemble boats. To each his own, I guess.
Here’s Muir as he looks today. He describes himself as a dork. I wouldn’t disagree.
In mid-February, Chris Muir, the talented cartoonist behind day by day,
Welp, it didn’t take long for them to lose me.
I’ve been taken out of context
.talented [sic] cartoonist …prevalent in the blogosphere…
sounds like a disease – not inappropriate…
Vero possumus = yes we can(or, as I prefer it, “truly we are able” TASTE THE ELITOFASCISM). And there’s about 6 inches between those cheeks, making his deformo-chick as lame ass as his “jokes”.
Is it even worth mentioning that “stay the course” was something attributed to George H. W. Bush by Dana Carvey on Saturday Night Live, and that it referred to his economic policies and had nothing whatsoever to do with a military operation?
It’s like discovering an entirely new level of meta-stupid. It’s stupid to attribute “stay the course” to “Bush Derangement Syndrome”, because even if he’s right about the quote, which he’s not because he’s too stupid to know the source of the quote, it would still be stupid, because “Bush Derangement Syndrome” is stupid and watching movies for any sign of the latest LIBERAL OUTRAGE is even stupider.
It’s like a stupid singularity, collapsing in on itself and sending out shockwaves of stupid.
Actually he’s copying a Cubist painting. Not Picasso per se, but maybe Duchamp.
Of course, those waves of stupidity are subject to the Dopeler Effect*.
—–
* The tendency of a stupid idea to appear more intelligent as it approaches the observer at a rapid velocity.
is there any limit on what kind of bait we can use to find there slothful blogers ???
like, if I were to, say, post a long screed calling for the banning of cheetoes, could I enter any nut-jobs that I discover thru such underhanded tactics ???
(I think it’s wrong to tease dumb animals like that, but we’re talking about freepers, the lowest form of vermin on the planet)
so if I turn in a bloodied and whining freeper who fears his food supply will be cut off, I’m not gonna lose any points, am I ???
(I’ll try an keep em alive, but I ain’t puttin em back. I caught em, I get to eat em))
I’m waiting for Muir to draw the proverbial rapes-girlfriend-in-the-ass-in-front-of-everybody cartoon. He’s only been building up to it for years. (Muir is obviously sexually insecure and the drawrings are payback for some transgression on the part of womankind in Muir’s deep dark past.)
Proteus454 said,
Chris Muir: How do I drawn anatomy?
Rob Liefeld: I dunno, lol
LOL indeed!
Conservatives apparently believe that they possess a God-Given right to be free of hearing criticism of their God-Chosen leaders at ALL TIMES, and any hint of a gesture in the direction of making fun of a politician is OMFG! BIAS!
Additionally:
That one’s funny. The Ancient Mariner shot the albatross and lived through an eon of walking, zombie-like Hell, and his only release from that punishment was to be returned to earth, compelled to tell his tale over and over again with the moral:
Of course, that’s cultish environmentalism, so OMFG! We’ve lost Iron Maiden!!!!
My God, I thought her ass was a headboard.
or
My God, officer, I thought her ass was a headboard.
…and then there’s evil vs. more evil.
His real name is Matt Foley. He is 35 years old, he is thrice divorced, and he lives in a van down by the river. (Must be a river that runs behind a Starbucks, where he can also steal Wi-Fi as well as cable.)
What river?
I’m going with Rio Hondo or the San Gariel….
mikey
I see Mr. Conservative Movie Reviewer managed to completely miss the hidden liberal messages in Ratatouille. Which was, you may recall, a movie that portrayed the French in a ridiculously positive light.
Ratatouille was a democRAT.
heh
Damn. I can’t find the youtube, but you’ll get the idea…
“As God as my witness, I thought those buttocks could fly”
Also,
Perhaps since right about the time “fail” became a noun. I actually like the “made of fail” phrase, though.
Is not the drawing of freaking enormous buttocks one of the Cornerstone Internet Traditions??
Shame on you!!
if I were to, say, post a long screed calling for the banning of cheetoes
Could we keep these Cheetos? I gotta confess, they taste much better than the normal kind and don’t leave nasty orange stains everywhere.
Maybe some people like sitting in their own waste. Did ya ever think of that? Huh? Did ya? No, you didn’t.
Elitist.
Wow, this dude actually makes my poor old Uncle Ernie look good.
As for future NWOTW’s, I humbly nominate my namesake.
So 72% of the population is suffering from a syndrome.
Very plausible, new wingnut, very plausible indeed.
And only a deranged person could believe the last 7 and one-half years of Republican rule have been a historic disaster.
hah, Brandi, those communistical hippie cheetos with no transfats and artificial colouring don’t even rank on the neoconcheeto scale.
I just got done checking his site out. In the comment I left I congratulated him on his brilliant satire of a right wing loser.
http://dirtyharrysplace.com/?page_id=2
I think he’s onto something, it’s too spot on to be real, ain’t it?
Here’s one of my favourite exchanges
Let’s think this all the way through, shall we?
When the movie Dirty Harry came out, people were really unsure of their world, and their place in it, and what it might become. They were certainly tired of violent crime and the tendency (to whatever extent it was actually true and not just another story) for criminals to “get off” on a “technicality”.
If you weren’t there, you can’t get the fear/pessimism that wrapped itself around american society at the time.
So, from a legendary standpoint, Bronson and Eastwood came along to reassure us that the cowboy was still amonst us, that the rules, no matter how perverse, would not prevent the very simple task of punishing the wrongdoer.
See, the narrative was “WE KNOW who the guilty parties are. We most certainly do NOT need to try them in a court of law”.
Sadly, we’re both smarter and a whole lot stupider than we were back then. We don’t want to let local law enforcement get involved in the dispensation of justice, unless it’s summary execution, which is something they continue to become better at, but we’ll let our military torture complete innocents and support their protection from prosecution.
The net outcome? Dirty Harry was a toxic contribution, and it’s only gotten sicker. At this point, constitutional democracy in america is dead. And there’s nothing to be done about it…
mikey
Mikey, buddy, leave the melodrama behind.
You’re a man for crying out loud!
Oh shit!
I typed two lines and I came!
Where’s that old sock now?
mikey
Ahem.
Wow. A display of your grown up humor. Bravo!
Mikey, Mikey.
Perhaps you should try to learn from Your Jewish Master.
I fuck poodles. No other dogs. Just poodles.
Poodles get me off. They have soft curly fur, and they seem to like it when I fuck them. Of course, my dick is tiny. But that actually works out when you get off on fucking poodles.
You see the symmetry here?
There you go again, Mikey. Really, quality commentary.
I know. It can be a tad, er, problematic.
My gramma used to catch me fucking her poodle.
She’d get SO mad! She’d swat me with a newspaper, and tell me to stop it.
But I’d be, like, you know, most of the there, so I’d just duck my head and keep on, like, keeping on.
Man, that old lady would get pissed. But her poodle, Misty was her name, she seemed to like it.
Some people like pecan pie, but I think anyone who does should really try a variation based on maple syrup as the sweetener, and walnuts.
I like pie, too. My favorite is spicy pumpkin pie.
Is Carlitos in that comment thread Dirty Harry? He’s pouncing on every commenter as if it were his blog.
Is it even worth pointing out that Pixar’s Cars had an entire character based on the “hippie” as stereotype – portrayed as border-line retarded drug abuser, who, if memory serves me right, was even used to take a swipe at bio-diesel!
… oh no, I’ve become one of them
She won’t even look at me now.
Pumpkin pie is great with a little molasses and 3 eggs to make it extra custardy.
and i thought fucking pelicans was bad…
Keep these cheetohs?
Aw, come now. We’re liberals around here. We eat Pepperidge Farm Goldfish instead.
Is Carlitos in that comment thread Dirty Harry? He’s pouncing on every commenter as if it were his blog
good question. Or he’s just a guy with nothing better to do.
I have another question. Is “Your Jewish Master” just – like, fucked up? What’s his problem?
Maybe it’s just “Carlito’s Way” g. harhar.
Go away! ‘batin!
How creepy is it that the Zed character is his fantasy self?
Ewww.
I second RightWingSnarkle’s nomination of MzSparkle for NWWOT treatment. Quite a buffet table of unearthly delights there!
NWOTW. You know.
“This may well be the fifth or sixth movie this year to depict our government as taken over by a corporation – as though that would be a bad thing.”
But liberals are teh fascists!!!!
You know, I may be a failed screenwriter, too, but at least I can hold down a day job and pay my own goddamned cable bill.
And yet this guy will probably still complain that I’m the one leeching off society by, um, having a job and paying taxes. Yeah, that’s it.