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Shorter Daniel “Crack” Pipes:


Above: “Klytus, I’m bored. What play thing can you offer me today?”

‘Prepare To Attack [Iran]’

  • Because treasonous appeasers leaked the NIE which downgraded Iran as a threat, the mullahs have become so emboldened that the only recourse is for President Bush to prepare to annihilate their country — and then, if the filthy Muslims don’t capitulate, actually annihilate their country.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard.


 

Comments: 102

 
 
 

Extra credit where due: that Pipes resembles Ming the Merciless was first noted by Norbizness.

 
 

God, that movie was almost as bad as the foreign policy advice. Almost. Maybe Wingnut foreign policy just needs a better soundtrack to help sell it?

 
 

Well, you can’t get a better soundtrack than Queen. And since Freddie’s dead the best they can hope for is a strange Ted Nugent quartet with automatic weapon accompanyment in B flat.

 
 

Hey, great music, sparkly costumes, plus Max von Sydow and Chaim Topol: how can that be bad?

 
 

Maybe Wingnut foreign policy just needs a better soundtrack to help sell it?

Actually, the most appropriate soundtrack would be an example belonging to one of the lesser ’70’s porn flicks.

 
 

“Just Alison said,

June 15, 2008 at 10:58

Hey, great music, sparkly costumes, plus Max von Sydow and Chaim Topol: how can that be bad?”

You forgot Brian Blessed giving the most Brian Blessedest performance ever! Flash himself was kinda lame though.

 
 

one of the lesser ’70’s porn flicks.
It is a cause of lasting regret that none of the 1970s porn starlets ever adopted ‘Diamond Sutra’ as her stage name.

 
 

Yah, Brian Blessed! In feathers and short pants, no less. Brian Blessed can make anything credible – he certainly livened up his episode of Blake’s 7 (a series to which I’m ever so partial, but which had cardboard production values).

 
 

Perhaps Pipes has not read the editorial from Frum, quoted by Lesley a couple of threads ago.
Let me edit it for greater relevancy:

…there is a larger defect, maybe best explained by an analogy.

Suppose we were studying anti-Iranian hatred. Would we begin by trying to figure out what Iranians had done to justify hatred — and then offer suggestions about how they might alter their behaviour so as to give less offense? Yet that is how the conversation about anti-Americanism often proceeds.

 
 

Actually, the most appropriate soundtrack would be an example belonging to one of the lesser ’70’s porn flicks.

Funny story: my subconscious likes to tell me jokes. A year or two ago as I was drifting on the edge of sleep, my mind got into a sort of rut. ‘Iran,’ I was thinking. ‘Iran, Iran, Iran – nukes.’ In the way things are in dreams, I was focused on the northwestern part of the country, and on ICBMs. ‘Iran – nukes – Iran – nukes’. Specific focus on the panhandle of Tabriz, on one of those ridiculous Reagan-meets-Freud deals. ‘Iran – nukes – cumshot!

I was shocked awake with laughter. It was a transfigurative event; ever since then I haven’t been able to take wingnut warmongering seriously even for rhetorical purposes. I can’t help but see it as the preposterous little fetish play it is.

Sometimes you can even tell when they’ve been typing with one hand – they’re that into it.

 
 

Pipes resembles Ming the Merciless
My God, does he ever!

also Vincent Price and Christopher Lee.

 
 

What the is the deal with wingnuts an their obsession with appearances and perceptions and their imagined perceptions of how other perceive them? It’s like our discourse is ruled by the Fashion Club.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_characters_in_Daria#The_Fashion_Club

It doesn’t matter if Iran is actually a threat or not; what matters is that we THINK Iran is pawing through copies of Waif magazine to strike as soon as America makes a fashion faux pas. Then we’ll all being wearing Jihad stirrup pants and Sharia plaid flannel button downs!

 
 

Also, if we’re going to play look-a-likes game…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XWTz91uqwvQ&feature=related

Ehh? Ehh?

 
 

What the is the deal with wingnuts an their obsession with appearances and perceptions and their imagined perceptions of how other perceive them?

Bitterness caused by the other guys in the locker room sniggering at their tiny packages eventually grew into full-on paranoia.

Yes, I said bitter.

 
 

Wow-ee, that CrackPipes.org blog is something else! Now I know reader comments are low-hanging fruit, but here’s one, more or less at random:

Islam…Scourge of Mankind for 1400 Years

Historical facts clearly demonstrate that islam has been the scourge of mankind for 1400 years. Islam is less a religion than a psychopathic international criminal organization. Its hatred and contempt of freedom and non-muslims is explicitely stated by its lunatic clerics and the koran itself. Islam has been, and is, a brutal, aggressive, totalitarian, repressive culture run by a nazi-like organizational and legal structure called sharia law. Islam stands for everything the West is not.

If the leaders of the USA and the West, as well as possibly China and India, cannot , or will not, truly address the threat of psychopathic murderous islam to the freedom loving world, then the future surely looks grim. Psychopathic islam is something like a super-aggrssive AIDS virus on the body of humanity. It must be totally crushed, vanquished, destroyed, and forever buried in the ashbins of history. Islam must be recognized by the civilized world as the psychopathic criminal totalitarian culture that it is. Then the civilaized world will be prepared and determined to do what is absolutely necessary to ensure the future of a free humanity without the centuries old scourge of islamic repression, lunacy, and brutality.

and another:

Great Posting

…It would be great also to eraser existence from Africa, so in the future they would not control commodities such as Gold and Platinum in the traditional market and of course the control of Coper would be out of their hands. I say erase arabs from Africa in the same rate and manner they erase Christians in Darfur. An Eye for an Eye, as it is says.

Of course the sassy girsl of Islam would scream that the west rage a war against them to steal “their” resources for what all things are ” priori” Dar al Islam, in the name of that creature named muhamad and its legacy- while truly islamist lie manipulating history.

and right below all this fun, a disclaimer:

Note: Opinions expressed in comments are those of the authors alone and not necessarily those of Daniel Pipes. Comments are screened for relevance, substance, and tone, and in some cases edited, before posting. Reasoned disagreement is welcome, but not hostile, libelous, or otherwise objectionable statements. Original writing only, please. For complete regulations, see Guidelines for Comments.

which, if I were uncharitable and dishonest, I would cite in evidence as an outright confession that the CrackPipes.org management do indeed judge the above comments (and much, much more!) relevant, substantial, and in very fine tone. This, of course, is not the case. Who running what blog with even medium traffic has got the energy to screen every single message? But, like, wow, what nuts!

 
 

You know, I think Gen. Frank was wrong.
It isn’t Feith who’s “the dumbest motherfucker on the planet,” it’s Pipes. Of course, George, Dick, Condi, AG, and the rest of the ‘Confederacy of Dunce’s,’ are all In the mix, too…
Does anyone want to wager against me and say that we won’t attack Iran before Election Day? These idiot’s are determined to leave Obama with a mess he may not be able to fix, no matter what the cost in lives and treasure. All in a craven attempt to regain power in 2012 or ’16, if not earlier in the ’10 Congressional races.
They and their ilk are ruthless, greedy bastard’s who know no bounds. They must all be treated as the War Criminal’s that they are. We must show them the same mercy they showed the Iraqi people. NONE!

 
slippy hussein toad
 

Well, you can’t get a better soundtrack than Queen. And since Freddie’s dead the best they can hope for is a strange Ted Nugent quartet with automatic weapon accompanyment in B flat.

If there’s one way to guarantee that I will not see a musical act, it’s to tell me that Ted Nugent will be part of it.

I would rather watch a 40-hour weepy country music marathon than 1 minute of Talentless Ted.

 
 

“I say erase arabs from Africa in the same rate and manner they erase Christians in Darfur.”

Umm, aren’t the people getting killed in Darfur also Muslims? I guess you can’t let facts get in the way of the usual “oppressed christian” and “clash of civilizations” bullshit. Fake but accurate indeed.

“Of course the sassy girsl of Islam would scream that the west rage a war against them to steal “their” resources for what all things are ” priori” Dar al Islam, in the name of that creature named muhamad and its legacy- while truly islamist lie manipulating history.”

And what is it about these guys that make half of them write like they were translated from Japanese via babelfish? They sure do like to abuse they’re precious Official Language.

 
 

“And what is it about these guys that make half of them write like they were translated from Japanese via babelfish? They sure do like to abuse they’re precious Official Language.”

Ahem, should read “their precious Official Language”.
Irony.

 
 

The Winger’s stubborn return to demonstrably failed policies has a pathological tinge, very like the way some people get involved with a partner possessing the parent’s worst traits (alcoholism, cheating, rage issues) and when that one crashes and burns, goes out and get another one just like it.

In between, they scream that it would have worked, dammit, it was the best relationship evah, if it only hadn’t been for the alcoholism, cheating, and rage issues.

 
Prudence Goodwife
 

Danielpipes.org-Opinions by Pipes, photos by Sears Portrait Studios.

 
Dragon-King Wangchuck
 

Iran’s on the verge of getting nukes We are on notice. Will we act in time?

NIE comes out.

Iran’s hasn’t been on the verge of getting nukes! We must attack Iran!

Well it’s consistent if not logical. Some might accuse Pipes of not arguing in good faith, of having a conclusion that’s immutable regardless of the facts. For instance, in this most recent case in the light of the NIE, he argues

First, the Bush administration must prepare for a possible attack on Iran’s nuclear infrastructure and, second, signal this publicly.

Which of course is totally different than what he was advocating in 2006 when he said:

Should he allow a malevolently mystical leadership to build a doomsday weapon that it might well deploy? Or should he take out Iran’s nuclear infrastructure, despite the resulting economic, military, and diplomatic costs.

Until the U.S. president decides, everything amounts to a mere re-arranging of deck chairs on the Titanic, acts of futility and of little relevance.

 
Dragon-King Wangchuck
 

I look forward to more Daniel Pipes pieces, such as:

Five dollar a gallon gas? We must target Iran’s nuclear facilities.
Italy and France on the verge of being knocked out of Euro 2008? Iran’s nuclear facilities are toast.
Recent popular music not as good as in the classic rock days? Iran – nuclear facilities – if you know what I mean.

 
 

Is it me or does Mr. PanPipes look like he let a SBD and is trying to pretend he can’t smell it?

 
 

Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

June 15, 2008 at 16:24

I look forward to more Daniel Pipes pieces, such as:

Five dollar a gallon gas? We must target Iran’s nuclear facilities.
Italy and France on the verge of being knocked out of Euro 2008? Iran’s nuclear facilities are toast.
Recent popular music not as good as in the classic rock days? Iran – nuclear facilities – if you know what I mean.

Clerk didn’t ring up your 25% discount for the 4th of July Sale? Nuke Iran’s nukes!

 
 

Maybe Pipes can help our efforts to save ourselves from the Iranian menace by hooking up with his remaining neo-fascist friends in Italian security services to fake documents which claim that Iran is trying to get hundreds and hundreds of tons of low-grade uranium (which it already possesses in the thousands of tons) from a desert nation in the middle of Africa from a facility run by French contractors and from which the materials must be transported over land given U.S. control of all the airspace.

Yeah, it sounds ridiculous, but you never know.

 
 

Oh man, how this thread turned into some discussion of one of my favorite early childhood films….dang….Still love Ornella Muti. And her husky-voiced screaming “NO!! Not the bore worms!”. Ahhh.

You know though, Von Sydow could take off the hair/make-up and turn back into a hottie. Don’t think Pipes can pull that one off. Another note on Pipes: he’s hated by many “counter-jihadiites” on the blogs who claim that he doesn’t go far enough by refusing to damn Islam itself and every single Muslim. Seriously. Pipes is viewed by that crowd as credible but just not willing to be bigoted enough for them for the most part.

And yeah, adding Brian Blessed with wings was a stroke of genius. But then so was using Queen for the music.

 
 

Very coincidentally, I called up Flash Gordon on my On Demand cable (free selection, wouldn’t pay for it, of course) last night, because I was bored and hadn’t ever seen it. I only made it in about 15 minutes before I decided it really was a crappy movie. Barbarella was better, and that’s saying something…. I had a hard time coming to grips with Topol being a mad scientist. Just didn’t really work for me.

I have just pretty much given up trying to understand wingnut logic, or lack thereof. There are many defintions of insanity other than just the straight clinical version. One of mine definitions is doing and saying things that make people think you are insane, but you, yourself, NEVER NOTICE IT. You think that you are not only speaking sense, you are speaking some sort of higher logic so that the lower masses can be educated and will eventually come around to your way of thinking just by the sheer weight of your brilliance. THAT’S what is insane about today’s society. I can see a few of these people around. There always be crazies in this world. But how did we end up with so many of them at one time?

And what really kills me is that their way of thinking is self-sustaining. It’s always someone else’s fault. They are never wrong about anything. When the Republicans get buried this fall, not only in the race for the White House, but for both houses of Congress, governors, head of the water district, whatever, they will still find a way to rationalize it to themselves that they are not wrong, that their message must have been misunderstood, that the election was stolen (I LOVE that one), that conservatisim didn’t fail, the people didn’t properly serve conservatism. A landslide will not change anyone’s way of thinking and it will still be open warfare on anything that they disagree with.

Insane.

 
 

So if Iran was a nation bent on apocalyptic suicide, why would they have regional hegemony on their agenda.

Doesn’t that take time?

I guess I’ll never make a good wingnut.

-GSD

 
 

I love crappy movies like “Flash Gordon.” B-movies like “They Live,” “Assault on Precinct 13,” “Mystery Men” are some of my favorite guilty pleasures.

Too bad a bunch of jerks who can’t admit their parents didn’t love them are going to bring the whole world crashing down around us. If they watched more B movies they’d know the warmongers always die horribly, dragged down by the raving mobs they created.

I call first dibs on the Corner. They look slow and stupid, and will be easy to take down.

 
 

Oh, I love B movies as well. C movies, D movies. I have a huge collection. But I tend toward the 50’s. B movies in black and white seem to somehow be acceptable when they are really stupid or cheap. Large budget movies in color that are STILL bad seem…. just plain ol’ bad. They just don’t have that appealing quality of “badness” that makes films like Red Planet Mars, Target Earth, or The Beginning of the End appealing to me.

Yeah, it’s too bad that this country isn’t being invaded by giant grasshoppers or something. It would give the neocons and their wingnut supporters a reason to play with the military without threatening to knock western civilization of its foundation.

 
 

But wingnuts have minions!

As much as I like the new James Bond, the villains lack that megalomania/crazy scheme to take over the world. And they are definitely lacking the uniformed, faceless, unthinkingly obedient minions who never notice the escape pod only seats ONE.

Now we have that in real life.

 
 

Les Minions will all cram into podHERTZ when the time comes to escape. Hindraker will provide propulsion.

Urg. I wish I hadn’t said that.

I also can’t believe you people have been discussing bad sci-fi movies without once mentioning Mystery Science Theater. Call yourselves snarkmeisters?!

Ha!

 
 

I say erase arabs from Africa

I know the commenters on that site are probably a bunch of mouth-breathing wankers. Still and all, it’s pretty chilling to read what’s basically a call for widespread genocide.

 
 

Oh well, Arky, you can’t just metion MST3K, one of the greatest television shows of all time, just in passing. You have to be properly respectful. Taking the time to discuss MST3K is like sampling some really fine wine. You swirl it around in your glass for a while, sip it, contemplate the smell, the depth of the color, the taste. A tactless throwaway comment would just NEVER do.

Mike Nelson: I’m sorry, clearly you’re not a psychopath.

Tom Servo: That’s right! Now get out before my dog orders me to shoot the president!

 
 

“I also can’t believe you people have been discussing bad sci-fi movies without once mentioning Mystery Science Theater. Call yourselves snarkmeisters?!”

I’d rather spend a weekend in Robert Bork’s underpants than watch more of this!



Mitchel!!!

 
 

Whar-wilf?

Sister Vehicular Homicide.

Now boys, in all fairness, I should warn you that occasionally the North Vietnamese will shoot back.

I was hoping to go through life without having to see Jim Bakus in thigh high boots.

I miss the quite dignity of Pat Buttram’s performance.

 
 

There always be crazies in this world. But how did we end up with so many of them at one time?

I don’t think there are any more than usual, it’s just that they’re in charge of everything and invited on all the TV shows and op-ed pages that makes it seem like there are more.

Oh well, Arky, you can’t just metion MST3K, one of the greatest television shows of all time, just in passing.

You can, if you want an instant flame war, e.g. “Joel is better than Mike. Period.”

 
 

Daniel “Crack” Pipes LOL — thanks, I needed that. . .

I love the use of the brackets, ‘[Iran]. It’s either a proof reader’s note to insert some specific noun: [Iran, Iraq, Pakistan, Monaco, Fiji], or some kind of wingnut associative array: evil [ ‘Iran’ ] = ‘sand’ , ‘oil’ , ‘brown people’ , ‘nukes!!!’

 
 

Crow: Clowns. Terrifying in any country.

 
 

Until the U.S. president decides, everything amounts to a mere re-arranging of deck chairs on the Titanic, acts of futility and of little relevance.

And it just happened to be 1912 in the History thread.

Coincidence?

 
 

Pipes resembles Ming the Merciless
My God, does he ever!

also Vincent Price and Christopher Lee.

How dare you sully the good names of Roderick Usher and Saruman the White by comparing them to Danny Crack Pipes!

 
 

Some Guy:
What the is the deal with wingnuts an their obsession with appearances and perceptions and their imagined perceptions of how other perceive them?

If you were a wolf in sheep’s clothing you would be worried about the fit of your costume too. However the joke is on us because we’re all wolves.

More generally, for an authoritarian (fascist) personality the gap between one’s immediate self identity and one’s symbolic identity is carried internally. For the nurturing (liberal) personality that gap is carried externally. Hence the obsession with such things as American flag lapel pins is seen as superficial to liberals and the concern with political correctness is likewise seen as silly by the right. We are all monsters, some of us wear our masks on our skin. For others the mask is held up by our social group.

 
 

You can, if you want an instant flame war, e.g. “Joel is better than Mike. Period.”

Confusing. Joel is better than Mike. From whence the flame?

Oh, and since I missed out on my chance in all the threads below – let’s get the interwebs into the banlieues of the world and see how radically the discourse changes – which is my way of saying “good on you”, HTML.

 
 

From whence the flame?

I guess this is the wrong forum for it. I guess it’s not such a bad thing if I don’t know how to start a flame war.

 
 

When the Republicans get buried this fall, not only in the race for the White House, but for both houses of Congress, governors, head of the water district, whatever, they will still find a way to rationalize it to themselves that they are not wrong, that their message must have been misunderstood, that the election was stolen (I LOVE that one), that conservatisim didn’t fail, the people didn’t properly serve conservatism.

We’ve seen this story with Bush already – when something goes wrong, either by way of a President with historically low approval ratings, or a Republican party that is being thrown out of office en masse, the rationalization will be that they weren’t conservative enough. That they’re actually closet Marxists, or something, and that’s why the people are rejecting them. It’s never the destructive ideology that’s at fault, it’s that the people who are supposed to be championing that destructive ideology are too much of a bunch of pussies to really own it, so they cave in to their liberal side and, I don’t know, refuse to nuke Mexico. This is the story, now and forever, when the Republican Party goes into the shitter.

And Mike is better than Joel.

 
 

That was me, not Baldy McCrazytown. Lousy Firefox log-in memory.

 
 

Zeppo, that might just work. We’ll convince the neocons that giant ants are invading the southwest and once they’re all in the desert, we’ll tell them that the rest of the world was eliminated by nuclear holocaust. They’ll huddle there until they’ve eaten each other up.

 
 

No, Joel is better. His humor, including the invention exchange, the “host segments”, the jokes during the movie, is just a bit… unusual. I mean, who else could invent the “Steve-O-Meter”.?

http://mst3k.wikia.com/wiki/Hercules_Unchained

Don’t get me wrong, I love the episodes with Mike. It would have been a great show just with Mike. But it just seems to me that the shows with MIke, the humor was sometimes just a bit “forced”. “O.K., we need to insert a joke or reference now.” When Joel was the host, it really seemed spontaneous, even though you knew it wasn’t….

Joel gets an A+, Mike an A-, which still isn’t that bad.

Flame war? Naw, not worth it.

 
 

Susan:
We’ll convince the neocons that giant ants are invading the southwest.

Got that covered already. Ok, maybe not giant ants.
Crazy rasberry ants devour Houston’s electronics

 
 

I luv the crazy raspberry ants (provided they stay in Texas). I picture ants skipping around making lip farts when people try to spray them.

 
 

Noen, I read that! That’s so weird. That really reminded me of a little known sci-fi film called “Phase !V”. (One of MST’s films during their KTMA days, which is the first time I ever saw it.)

I used to live in the Alabama. (Yeah, I know. That’s why I now live in Seattle.) I found out that you DON’T want to mess around with fire ants. Tiny little buggers, but boy, they can be quite nasty. I saw a story once about a woman who had been attacked by a swarm of fire ants. She was finally rescued by her husband and taken to the emergency room in the hospital, it was so bad. Fire ants in the area of the hospital somehow got scent of this attack, somehow got into the THIRD floor of the hospital and attacked this lady while in the emergency room!

Ants…. Brrrrrr……

 
 

We are all monsters
I was going to argue that language is comparative, not absolute, and that If “everyone is a monster” then no-one is a monster, but then I looked at the definition of monster and apparently it is entirely possible that we are all monsters.

 
 

That’s “Phase IV”, not “Phase !V”… Hardly noticable, as typos go, but still, it’s annoying when the fingers don’t do as the brain commands.

 
 

There’s this degree of smarminess that Joel has and that Mike doesn’t. And I never liked the between-movie sketches anyway. But mostly I just wanted to be a contrarian. No one remembers the episodes because of Joel or Mike, they remember episodes based on which movie they were watching.

 
 

My opinion: Mike’s better.

Maybe part of it is that Mike episodes were my first exposure to the show. Also, most of my favorites are Mike eps. like Space Mutiny, Deathstalker, The Starfighters and the Coleman Francis trilogy to name a few. I also like his clueless but well meaning lummox persona. Most of all though, I just find his jokes a lot funnier. The Joel years relied on a lot of now outdated references to movies and people I’ve never heard of. Mike’s gags have aged better, I think.

Not to take anything away from old sleepy eyes of course.

 
 

Still love Ornella Muti. And her husky-voiced screaming “NO!! Not the bore worms!”. Ahhh.

OMFG yes. Mmmmmmm.

 
 

A digression: Brian Blessed reminisces about Flash Gordon.

Sexist, profane and utterly hilarious.

 
 

The Schofield Kid: Yeah, well, I guess they had it coming.
Will Munny: We all got it coming, kid.

–Unforgiven

 
 

I always liked both Mike and Joel, but liked Joel marginally better because he seemed to have a less mean-spirited attitude. Then I heard that Mike is kind of a wingnut and, if I recall correctly, a friend of Lileks (I learned this from the comments section on World-o-crap, so don’t know if it’s true and am too lazy to do any research.) . I wish I hadn’t read that, because it does sort of interfere with my enjoyment of the Mike episodes. Also, I liked Joel better because Joel was kinda hawt.

Mostly, though, I watch MST3K because of Crow & Tom.

 
 

I also read that somewhere, that Mike was “right of center”. Well, nuts. I really don’t like to hear that my heros have feet of clay. Or something like that.

“Joel, how does Gamera steer?”

 
 

I also read that somewhere, that Mike was “right of center”. Well, nuts. I really don’t like to hear that my heros have feet of clay. Or something like that.

Not big on MST3K (never had the chance to be – and it’s funny enough, just not part of my own childhood), but isn’t one of the guys (I think Mike) best palz with Lileks?

 
 

Doh. Way to repeat what the poster above you sez, me.

Adam Cadre writes on the subject with some familiarity, although I’ll be damned if I can suss out where. From what I’ve seen of MST3K and the similar (and admittedly often funny) stuff Lileks does, it’s a matter of several things:

(a) They intend it as an affectionate send-up of something we’d just find loathsome on its own merit, and
(b) They’re particularly funny at doing so, which negates the cross-purposes we and they find ourselves working at.

This is why I can stand a wingnut riffing on some earnest craftsman with robots (or, for that matter, with the Golden Turkey Awards – that was Medved’s ticket to ride, you’ll remember!), but South Park just gives me fucking hives. Wingnuts aren’t inherenly evil; they’re like particularly mean-tempered dogs. Some are quite nice, and even rather personable, under the right circumstances; but that doesn’t mean you should leave your kids anywhere near them.

Or any small, innocent rabbits, for that matter. Leaving one of those where a budding young Republican can get their hands on it was one of the worst mistakes my parents ever made.

 
 

Leaving one of those where a budding young Republican can get their hands on it was one of the worst mistakes my parents ever made.

alec, that sounds like a dreadful story! I’m afraid to ask.

 
 

The Schofield Kid: Yeah, well, I guess they had it coming.
Will Munny: We all got it coming, kid.

–Unforgiven

Of all of the eternal lines of our language that managed to creep their way into my head (‘The first of the line is tied to a tree and the last of the line is being eaten by ants’; ‘I did it thirty-five minutes ago’; the last stanza of Navigator, et cetera), this is both one of my favorites and definitely the most cinematic. Unforgiven is particularly interesting because it, along with pretty much every other film in Eastwood’s adult career, arrives at a distinctly human conclusion against itself. We saw the same thing with his Iwo Jima film, but it started to crop out at least here – neither he nor his writer were interested in portraying violence as wrong, but there was no way they could get around it being complex. We’re lucky in some cosmic way that Clint Eastwood lived to make a film like this – or he’d have gone out on the same footing as that damned poseur Wayne, a beautiful boy-scout murderer to the end.

Eastwood’s a bastard – the kind of bastard who holds a personal grudge against the ADA and who, by all indications, seems to have done the last act of Million Dollar Baby for the visceral pleasure of destroying a quadriplegic – but he’s not bastard enough to abandon his craft, and that’s produced some damned fine cinema.

 
 

alec, that sounds like a dreadful story! I’m afraid to ask.
His name was Cinnamon – for a few days. The neighbor boy was the spitting image of his father, a normal middle-American sadist. Pop read meters, son poisoned animals.

When we moved out of the house, they broke in and smashed every boiler in the place, steamed the paint and plaster to a pulp and smeared shit all over the walls. So help me God, that’s the last time I live anywhere with a backyard too big to piss on any wall from its opposite. Hell, maybe I’ll get lucky and never set foot in a suburb again – and maybe we’ll all get lucky and the US will stop looking more and more like the Southwest every year. If not, there’s always Eurabia.

 
 

Jeebus. Horrible.

Teh Burbs: Vapid at best, vicious at worst.

 
 

It would be great also to eraser existence from Africa,

Come on wankers,abandon the safer phrasing and spell it out. None of this “ethnic cleansing” bullshit.

You wingers should be compelled to be more literal, to use words and phrases that starkly describe what it is you’re wishing for. You should be forced to visualize what “erase existence” means. You should be made to say “mass murder” and “kill women, children, the elderly, mothers, sisters, brothers, fathers, in cold blood.” That’s what “erase” means and you should have to say it publicly on street corners loud and clear so that everyone can hear and see you, know the real you.

Most of you wouldn’t say this shit in public in the light of day because you’d be scorned and abandoned, cast into exile by your community. You’d have tomatoes and rotten eggs and spit on your faces.

You’d have to STFU wouldn’t you?

 
 

Your comments have been recorded. They will be reviewed by the moderator, and if and when approved, will appear online.

Back to Prepare to attack [Iran]

I’m 100% sure my comment opposing mass murder will not be posted by the moderator who advocates mass murder. He’s got the courage to kill but not the courage to tolerate an opposing point of view…that’s some manly man.

 
Dragon-King Wangchuck
 

Comments being moderated out? The only solution is to strike Iran’s nuclear facilities!

 
 

I refuse to get into the Mike vs. Joel debate, since it’s about as meaningful as Mac vs. PC, or Xbox vs. Playstation, or AnalDonkeys.com vs. ButtMules.com.

The real funny in MST3K came from the bots anyway.

And if you looked to see if those websites were real, shame on you. (And please don’t tell me.)

 
 

Excellent news! Neither analdonkeys.com nor buttmules.com is registered.

Correction: were registered. Until two minutes ago.

 
 

Besides, everyone knows the real flame war of MST3K is:

Old Crow vs. New Crow.

 
Libertarius ShadowLord
 

so who was the chick from Frigia?

 
Libertarius ShadowLord
 

from The Killer Shrews, from the robots: “(gasp) he’s showing! ”
robots channeling Desmond Morris.

 
Libertarius ShadowLord
 

Pearl Forester is the new Doctor Forester.

 
 

Mike > Joel, but only because Joel had trouble landing his lines. I still refuse to believe that Joel wasn’t on SOMETHING for at least the first few seasons. However, given how much the bots evolved and became more defined by season 6-7, I think that if Joel came back, and was better at not fucking up his lines, the two would be pretty much indistinguishable.

Of course, I enjoy the “relaxed hang-out” feel of the host segments in latter season. The earlier Joel host segments had a habit of becoming forced and habitual exercises, carried by Trace’s Doctor Forrester. (See: Joey the Lemar)

Keep in mind that Mike was head writer for, I believe, the entire post-KTMA series, and many of the changes post-Dr. F were forced on the show by Sci-Fi execs.

Worst MST3k flamre war topic: Elvis’s Servo vs. Kevin’s Servo.

 
 

Dan Someone, was that an intentional in-reference with your Mike : Joel :: PC : Mac line? If so, well done! If not, you’ll be pleased to know that you were brilliant.

 
Libertarius ShadowLord
 

dammit dammit dammit
Pearl Forester is the new Doctor Forester OF LIBERAL FASCISM !!!!

 
 

Susan ,

Wait a minute, “They Live” is a B-Movie?

Heresy!1

I shall nuke Tehran.

 
 

Sometimes when lying on the chaise lounge of ineffable sadness at midnight and monkey butlers shuffle silently in with trays of yogurt covered cashews which I do not have the energy to eat and I watch reruns of awful movies which sap my will to live, I will get one of the monkeys to change the channel. Usually one is transported to a glorious land where the streams run with pink coloured sugar water and the air is strongly scented with patchouli and Daniel Pipes is in charge and I long for a word, a look from his rugged manly brow so that I know that all will be well. Strong manly men are in charge and know what is best for me and all I must do is command the army of flying mice to attack The Evil Ones.
Then the monkeys give me more mango sherbet, the headpain goes and I sail into the darkness…

 
 

AnalDonkeys kick ButtMules asses.

Jus’ sayin’.

 
 

Some Guy: I knew whereof I spoke. (Wrote?) I was also channeling Yahtzee. I don’t want to examine where I came up with the websites….

 
 

My Monkey Butlers don’t dress right, they usually bring me half-chewed mango, and if I confront them they tend to throw their feces at me.

I’m gonna take the position the nasty little fuckers are Buttmonkeys.

And I’m not sure, but I’m thinking perhaps I’d be better off with Analdonkeys.

Dammit…

mikey

 
 

My monkey butler took away my chaise lounge and made me sit in a chaise longue instead. Pedantic little bastard. According to the programming kit, the pedantry is a property of the personality module (via inheritance from the Jeeves(c) class), and there’s nothing I can do about it.
Hoever, an Analdonkey might have personality problems of its own.

 
 

Je raille votre pantalon de singe.

 
 

Odd. That was me.

 
 

My favorite episodes are Mike ones but it probably has more to do with the movies then the host.
Horror at Party Beach:”Pardon me while I throw this gay man at you”
Space Mutiny: :”My God, she’s presenting like a mandrill”
and Jack Frost for its many Lord of the Ring and Tom Petty references.

 
 

Hmm.

I think Susan is having a schizophrenic king hell hallucinogenic moment.

I’m jealous….

mikey

 
 

Big MST3K fan since the first-run Comedy Central days. By coincidence I just got Vol.2 of the collection and spent quality time with THE INDESTRUCTIBLE MAN.

Mike is prettier and a much better actor.

Joel is the guy I’d rather snark through a bad movie with.

 
 

First off, I love MST3K, and live in Minneapolis. So I love both Joel and Mike. One of the things that soothed me when I moved back here from Chicago was to sit in my Mom and Dad’s house (long story about why I moved back) and watch Comedy Channel MST3K for hours on end.

As for the fire ants thing – I’m an Air Force brat. We lived in Texas in the late 50s (Air Force base near there, and my Dad being a low level Sarge and having no money – so we were living in a duplex with cars up on blocks and big oil barrels in the back yard).

One day my sister and I climbed up on one of those oil barrels and found that it was NOT red with rust, as we thought – it was red with thousands of fire ants – we ran screaming into the duplex and my Mom put us in the bathtub – those fire ants that washed off etched right into the ceramic of the bathtub – the formic acid etched them right in and they were fossilized – and forever after that bathtub had little fire ant fossils etched into it hahaha.

Daniel “Crack” Pipe’s? – haha go FORMICATE yourself – get it haha formicate? Ok so maybe that’s not such a good joke. But *I* like it.

 
 

In the purple dusk the Donkey King comes and says that I must change the couch upon which I lie. He does not explain but is too harsh I need more sherbet.
The monkey butlers have only lavender sherbet and this will not ease the tension merely loosen the bonds of thought. Now that the gift of ice-cream is taken by The Evil Ones there is only ashes of rose left and I drift, alone, bereft with howler monkeys shrieking in the trees.
The flying mice do not return and I weep tears of lye for them

 
 

There were quite a number of druggie references during the first couple of seasons that totally went by me the first time or two I watched the show.

O.K., I agree. Joey the Lemur was a pretty lame host segment. However, the entire episode with Mike dedicated to Numie Muffin CooCoo Butter, or something like that, was REALLY lame…. You can find lame host segments throughout the MST series, no matter who was in charge.

There are some great anecodotes in the MST3K Great Big Episode Guide. Several times, they just didn’t have enough material to fill out the entire time, so they just ad libbed. For instance, on It Conquered The World, they ended up playing that really, really pretentious and stupid ending monologue by Peter Graves THREE TIMES, just because they didn’t have enough material.

Must have been a fun show to work.

 
 

Zeppo,

I didn’t catch any druggie references but probably just cause I wasn’t paying attention.

I think “Motel Hell” must have been a VERY fun show to work.

“I’ve been a total hypocrite”. “I used…………….preservatives”.

Hahahaha. And AMC is showing this stuff now. And TIVO is recommending that if “you liked this show” you’ll REALLY like “Halloween Part 105 – Mike Myer’s Revenge”. Hahahaha.

I love it.

 
 

I feel left out, I actually had to lookup MST3K on the intertubes, don’t think that ever crossed the pond in a meaningful way!

As for the dhimmi invasion, I’m surprised Pipes and LGF missed the Euro 2008 result last night, Czech Rep. 2, Turkey 3, obvious sign of Eurabia’s fall, and yet another reason to nuke Iran!

I stupedly clicked through to old Crackpipes, what a nightmare. My ‘favourite’ was the following one, where he salivates over millions and millions of Persian deaths, as well as the Israeli’s bombing the Aswan dam and killing lots of Egyptians. Is there not a law against this type of eliminationist shite!

http://www.danielpipes.org/blog/2007/11/the-unthinkable-consequences-of-an-iran.html

 
 

Only diff I can see between folks like Pipes & your average neonazi is that they’ve got sassier clown-suits than he does. Man looks like he’s in dire need of an enema.

No no no – try “the only recourse is for President Bush to prepare to annihilate their country — and then, even if the filthy Muslims DO capitulate, actually annihilate their country.”
Which is exactly the moderate diplomatic approach he took toward Saddam Hussein – “hmm, he’s complying with our demands, & golly, those UN weapons inspectors are STILL finding bupkis – I better get Dick to cook up some K-Tel Intel so I can send in the bombers before they make me look like a bigger tool than usual! YEEEE-HAW!!1!”

Don’t tell me you think the Chimperor is going to go all mellow with his time-clock running out!

 
 

[…] of all those middle aged,middle class white guys who comment on politics. Speaking of white guys,gawd are they all idiots. Or just idiots trying to prove to the world that are not really idiots,rather […]

 
 

If they watched more B movies they’d know the warmongers always die horribly, dragged down by the raving mobs they created.

Oh yeah, they’d know. Especially BloodRayne. Can’t go wrong with a movie set in The Renaissance Festival.

As for your desert/Southwest idea, did you see that movie “The Island”? “The world is contaminated….Someday you may win the lottery and get to go to The Island…..”

I could see this working. Unfortunately, I can see the current admin. attacking Iran to leave the rest to the next admin. Especially if it looks solidly like it’ll be Obama. An Egyptian friend swears that that’s what’ll happen even if he only watches our politics from afar.

WASP–ack, they’re not all idiots, but the ones who aren’t are having a hard time breaking that perception. But boy do statements like that piss off my middle class white husband….then again, he had to work to get where he is, unlike my sorry spoiled ass. And with no eligibility for scholarships that I could get based on my name alone despite the vast cavern of difference in our parents’ wealth/class.

Then again, when it comes to the white Fundie types who won’t garage their new Lexus SUVs where I live just to show off? Yes, total complete morons and quite obsessed with the fact that people like us (damned libruls) are stifling their “freedom of speech”. God love ’em (or so they claim).

 
 

Brian Blessed was awesome in Blackadder the 1st. He’s too old now but I think he would have made the perfect Jack Aubrey. Way better than Russell Crowe.

And ants of every species are the wingnuts of the Class Insecta. I am so fucking tired of them. This morning in a rush to get my son to school on time I left the blender and a couple of glasses in the sink with smoothie remnants still in them and came home 30 minutes later to find them swarming all over the sink and countertops. Ants that is, not right wingers. But I don’t like spraying poison around the place so I’ve been experimenting with less toxic methods of killing them. The other day I put some honey in the middle of a few strips of duct tape I had crosshatched together and placed the setup near where I suspect they’re entering the house. I did indeed trap a whole bunch of them on the tape but the little cocksuckers still got the honey. They formed a bridge to it by building a pathway out of hundreds of ant corpses. I guess I have to give them some respect for their determination and willingness to sacrifice for the good of the colony. Come to think of it, that means I have to rethink their wingnuttiness but they still suck.

 
 

I’ve had good luck mixing boric acid with powdered sugar.

 
 

Gaaahh, ATTENTION!!! Do not take tigrismus’ advice for sweetening your latte. Bad fucking idea.

Oh wait, were you talking about ant control?

 
 

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